Making up for friendship flakiness
November 2, 2010 7:15 AM Subscribe
How to apologize to a friend about not pulling my weight in a shared work responsibility?
Making up for flakiness
In the past weeks, I've been exceptionally flaky. A friend and are currently working on a college project and are jointly responsible for some presentations. He twice had to pick up my part, because I kept procrastinating about it until it was to late. Another time, wie agreed to meet on a weekend, and I simply didn't show up. The same applies for some other work relationships which are threatening to go sour. I definitely need to control my procrastination, but this question is different: Is there any way to make up for the damage and anger I caused? Hopefully all will be better as soon as I'm finished with an overdue project I've been working on for the last months. That weekend when I didn't show up was caused by a sudden panic concerning that project, I didn't do much else except working on that. I know I definitely should have called him at least.
If you have been let down by someone, is there anything you wished they would do? Acknowledge ist? Don't?
Circumstances: We are in our early twenties, college students, planning to be flatmates in a few months.
Making up for flakiness
In the past weeks, I've been exceptionally flaky. A friend and are currently working on a college project and are jointly responsible for some presentations. He twice had to pick up my part, because I kept procrastinating about it until it was to late. Another time, wie agreed to meet on a weekend, and I simply didn't show up. The same applies for some other work relationships which are threatening to go sour. I definitely need to control my procrastination, but this question is different: Is there any way to make up for the damage and anger I caused? Hopefully all will be better as soon as I'm finished with an overdue project I've been working on for the last months. That weekend when I didn't show up was caused by a sudden panic concerning that project, I didn't do much else except working on that. I know I definitely should have called him at least.
If you have been let down by someone, is there anything you wished they would do? Acknowledge ist? Don't?
Circumstances: We are in our early twenties, college students, planning to be flatmates in a few months.
Is there any way to make up for the damage and anger I caused?
I don't know your friend, so I can't really answer this. What's most important, I think, is for you to acknowledge exactly what you did -- like you did here -- without making excuses for it. So don't go in with "I'm sorry for being flaky" but "I'm sorry for slacking off/not showing up/etc. and I am sorry I have made things difficult for you and strained our relationship." Again, don't try and make excuses - you already missed the chance for saying "I had a panic," but you still have the opportunity to thank him (verbally, home-made cookies, drinks, dinner, whatever you think is best) for him picking up your slack.
posted by griphus at 7:22 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't know your friend, so I can't really answer this. What's most important, I think, is for you to acknowledge exactly what you did -- like you did here -- without making excuses for it. So don't go in with "I'm sorry for being flaky" but "I'm sorry for slacking off/not showing up/etc. and I am sorry I have made things difficult for you and strained our relationship." Again, don't try and make excuses - you already missed the chance for saying "I had a panic," but you still have the opportunity to thank him (verbally, home-made cookies, drinks, dinner, whatever you think is best) for him picking up your slack.
posted by griphus at 7:22 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Nothing you say will mean anything unless it's accompanied by you starting to pull your weight. That said, when you feel like you're ready to start being part of the team again, sit him down and thank him for the awesome job he did on ___ and ___. Let him know that you recognize everything he's done, and that your recent tough situation would have been even tougher if it weren't for his help.
I've been the abandoned group member before and I felt like my partner was flaky because she didn't understand how hard our project was and how much work I had put into it. Basically you should let him know that you realize what a flake you've been and you're going to try to fix it but add an extra emphasis on how great his work is, because everyone likes to hear about their good work.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2010
I've been the abandoned group member before and I felt like my partner was flaky because she didn't understand how hard our project was and how much work I had put into it. Basically you should let him know that you realize what a flake you've been and you're going to try to fix it but add an extra emphasis on how great his work is, because everyone likes to hear about their good work.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2010
Best answer: Words are cheap and easy. Yes, apologise, but back it up with actions. Finish the overdue stuff, finish anything else you have to do early, be there for all meetings, and make sure every meeting etc is at his convenience. Make it clear that you're not going out and being social instead of working. I'd be understanding if it was over, but I might not be willing to work with you anymore, either.
I mean, it sucks to be in your situation, too, and I'm sympathetic -- but you're not just hurting yourself here, you're hurting your frend.
posted by jeather at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2010
I mean, it sucks to be in your situation, too, and I'm sympathetic -- but you're not just hurting yourself here, you're hurting your frend.
posted by jeather at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2010
Of course, if he's a decent guy, he'll want you to explain what's been going on with you in a worried-about-my-friend way, and that's when you can explain everything. What's important is that the actual apology is an apology and not an explanation.
posted by griphus at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2010
posted by griphus at 7:24 AM on November 2, 2010
Hopefully all will be better as soon as I'm finished with an overdue project I've been working on for the last months.
It sounds like procrastination is a chronic thing with you rather than a one-time thing. Be honest with yourself about that, and don't try to make up for it with your friends by promising to take more on in the future. Unless/until you are a reliable person, don't set people up to rely on you.
posted by headnsouth at 7:36 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds like procrastination is a chronic thing with you rather than a one-time thing. Be honest with yourself about that, and don't try to make up for it with your friends by promising to take more on in the future. Unless/until you are a reliable person, don't set people up to rely on you.
posted by headnsouth at 7:36 AM on November 2, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: 1. Immediately do as much work as possible to pick up the slack you left and check in to see if you can do even more.
2. Deliver a big, sincere apology (written or spoken, wherever you do best) that acknowledges what you did wrong, what the fallout was for him and others, and how you feel bad about it and how he deserved better from you. Tread lightly around the reasons why- mention them, but also know that they are only context, not excuses.
3. Make sure he knows you won't do this again and what steps you're planning to keep on top of things next time, especially if you become flatmates. New calendar? Anti-depressants? Whatever.
4. Offer to take him for a beer & pay for the outing if he takes you up on it.
5. Most importantly-- don't do it again, and if you feel yourself beginning to slip up, for goodness' sake talk about it right away to help stop the avalanche.
It's nice that you're trying to make amends. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves second chances.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:38 AM on November 2, 2010
2. Deliver a big, sincere apology (written or spoken, wherever you do best) that acknowledges what you did wrong, what the fallout was for him and others, and how you feel bad about it and how he deserved better from you. Tread lightly around the reasons why- mention them, but also know that they are only context, not excuses.
3. Make sure he knows you won't do this again and what steps you're planning to keep on top of things next time, especially if you become flatmates. New calendar? Anti-depressants? Whatever.
4. Offer to take him for a beer & pay for the outing if he takes you up on it.
5. Most importantly-- don't do it again, and if you feel yourself beginning to slip up, for goodness' sake talk about it right away to help stop the avalanche.
It's nice that you're trying to make amends. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves second chances.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 7:38 AM on November 2, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you for your helpful and honest answers. Please keep them coming. I need to learn about this.
It sounds like procrastination is a chronic thing with you rather than a one-time thing. Be honest with yourself about that, and don't try to make up for it with your friends by promising to take more on in the future. Unless/until you are a reliable person, don't set people up to rely on you.
You are right, it is indeed a chronic thing. However, it has not been as bad before, so I hope I will be able to return it to a not-as-bad state again.
posted by faux fabric entertainment device at 7:45 AM on November 2, 2010
It sounds like procrastination is a chronic thing with you rather than a one-time thing. Be honest with yourself about that, and don't try to make up for it with your friends by promising to take more on in the future. Unless/until you are a reliable person, don't set people up to rely on you.
You are right, it is indeed a chronic thing. However, it has not been as bad before, so I hope I will be able to return it to a not-as-bad state again.
posted by faux fabric entertainment device at 7:45 AM on November 2, 2010
If someone has let me down like that, I most want to see change. Whether it's acknowledged is secondary. If I might not notice the change, having the apology/acknowledgment there can help me notice the change and then I can move past it because I've noticed it. However, if there is an acknowledgment without change, it's like doubling down on the original sin. I'd rather just deal with the original matter than have to deal with false apologies and empty promises at the same time.
posted by oreofuchi at 7:57 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by oreofuchi at 7:57 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: If this is a chronic issue, and you admit it is, then you need to do more than just hope it will go away. Hoping your behavior will change is, unfortunately, not a useful coping mechanism, and it seems highly likely this circumstance will recur if that's the extent of your plan.
I would recommend using your school's counseling services. Maybe you just need to sit and vent about stress or some quick cognitive/behavioral therapy will do the trick. My guess is you need to figure out what's at the root of the problem and deal with it. An objective party can help you figure out the solution, and it may be simpler than you imagine. I suffer from test taking anxiety, which I cope with by using a ritual that boosts my confidence and quells my anxiety. Ritual sounds scary but it's as simple as setting a time to stop studying, slowly drinking a cup of tea, and going to the test site thinking to myself the entire time that there is NOTHING ON THIS TEST I DO NOT KNOW. If I find myself panicking on the test, I breathe and remind myself I know the material cold. That doesn't seem like much but it radically changed my GPA so I encourage you to talk to someone professional about potential strategies to help you with this issue.
You need to acknowledge how lucky you are to have such awesome and forgiving friends. As others have said you need to do that by genuinely apologizing. A genuine apology means you will actually DO something to change your behavior for the better rather than just HOPE you'll change.
posted by miss-lapin at 8:50 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
I would recommend using your school's counseling services. Maybe you just need to sit and vent about stress or some quick cognitive/behavioral therapy will do the trick. My guess is you need to figure out what's at the root of the problem and deal with it. An objective party can help you figure out the solution, and it may be simpler than you imagine. I suffer from test taking anxiety, which I cope with by using a ritual that boosts my confidence and quells my anxiety. Ritual sounds scary but it's as simple as setting a time to stop studying, slowly drinking a cup of tea, and going to the test site thinking to myself the entire time that there is NOTHING ON THIS TEST I DO NOT KNOW. If I find myself panicking on the test, I breathe and remind myself I know the material cold. That doesn't seem like much but it radically changed my GPA so I encourage you to talk to someone professional about potential strategies to help you with this issue.
You need to acknowledge how lucky you are to have such awesome and forgiving friends. As others have said you need to do that by genuinely apologizing. A genuine apology means you will actually DO something to change your behavior for the better rather than just HOPE you'll change.
posted by miss-lapin at 8:50 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: The most annoying thing about flakes is that they always apologize. They always have an excuse, and next time, they will always do the work. Of course, the next time results in more flaking out, and more promises. Flakes are reliably unreliable.
Flaking builds up over time, and it has more severe consequences after you get out of the relatively safe bubble of school/early twenties. Its a bad way to work, to have friendships, to have relationships.
You can take your buddy out for a beer or whatever, but most importantly, do the work and become reliable. That's what matters.
posted by RajahKing at 9:29 AM on November 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
Flaking builds up over time, and it has more severe consequences after you get out of the relatively safe bubble of school/early twenties. Its a bad way to work, to have friendships, to have relationships.
You can take your buddy out for a beer or whatever, but most importantly, do the work and become reliable. That's what matters.
posted by RajahKing at 9:29 AM on November 2, 2010 [6 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with everyone about the change being most important, in addition to dealing with the underlying causes.
But, as someone who ends up picking up others' slack all the time, I'd add three things:
1. If you're apologising, please don't leave him having to say "It's ok, I understand." It's not ok, he's repeatedly done your work and has taken time away from whatever else he might be doing or damaged his grades or affected his personal life. Please don't ever apologise if you intend to do it again.
2. Sorry to be pedantic, but you've called this "making up for friendship flakiness". Working on a group project, it's not friendship flakiness, it's not canceling a movie date where the consequence for him is a night at home - it's more like professional or academic flakiness. I think reframing it away from the personal might be helpful in changing your perception of the task to a manageable concept.
3. I'd much rather someone who's flaking asked if we could set up a joint work session (and if they no-showed, I'd probably be done with them for good), or whatever, if it helped.
That might sound really harsh, but everyone has procrastination issues to some extent and has to deal with that using whatever resources necessary. Repeatedly landing the consequences on someone else, especially someone decent enough not to tell the instructor they're effectively working alone with the added burden of being unable to plan for that, is just not ok.
posted by carbide at 10:17 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
But, as someone who ends up picking up others' slack all the time, I'd add three things:
1. If you're apologising, please don't leave him having to say "It's ok, I understand." It's not ok, he's repeatedly done your work and has taken time away from whatever else he might be doing or damaged his grades or affected his personal life. Please don't ever apologise if you intend to do it again.
2. Sorry to be pedantic, but you've called this "making up for friendship flakiness". Working on a group project, it's not friendship flakiness, it's not canceling a movie date where the consequence for him is a night at home - it's more like professional or academic flakiness. I think reframing it away from the personal might be helpful in changing your perception of the task to a manageable concept.
3. I'd much rather someone who's flaking asked if we could set up a joint work session (and if they no-showed, I'd probably be done with them for good), or whatever, if it helped.
That might sound really harsh, but everyone has procrastination issues to some extent and has to deal with that using whatever resources necessary. Repeatedly landing the consequences on someone else, especially someone decent enough not to tell the instructor they're effectively working alone with the added burden of being unable to plan for that, is just not ok.
posted by carbide at 10:17 AM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thanks again for your answers. With this project, there wasn't anything left for me to do in this week, so I'm currently preparing everything for next week.
As for the underlying causes - I'm working on them. Often when I fail at something I just want to hide from everything, so figuring out how to approach this is part of breaking that pattern.
posted by faux fabric entertainment device at 10:37 AM on November 2, 2010
As for the underlying causes - I'm working on them. Often when I fail at something I just want to hide from everything, so figuring out how to approach this is part of breaking that pattern.
posted by faux fabric entertainment device at 10:37 AM on November 2, 2010
How to apologize to a friend about not pulling my weight in a shared work responsibility?
"I'm sorry I haven't been pulling my weight in our shared work responsibility."
(Does it really need a tap-dance and the production of flowers for it to be an apology?)
posted by Biru at 3:05 PM on November 2, 2010
"I'm sorry I haven't been pulling my weight in our shared work responsibility."
(Does it really need a tap-dance and the production of flowers for it to be an apology?)
posted by Biru at 3:05 PM on November 2, 2010
If you can't make up for it by doing your share of the work efficiently and to a high standard now, you need to do something else for your friend that acknowledges the amount of time he put in covering up for you. Does he have some sort of chore you can take over for a while? Walk his dog for a few weeks? Mow his lawn? Help him out with another college project? (Not DOING the work for him, but maybe as a sort of research assistant - pick up books from the library, proof read something, etc). Seriously, you probably owe him a few hours worth of work, and doing that work shows you really mean your apology.
If you CAN make up the missed work by doing your part in the project now, you still owe him a beer and a heartfelt apology for the stress caused by your flakiness.
posted by lollusc at 3:57 PM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you CAN make up the missed work by doing your part in the project now, you still owe him a beer and a heartfelt apology for the stress caused by your flakiness.
posted by lollusc at 3:57 PM on November 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
re: underlying causes, look at the threads here on perfectionism (here's one). I find it helpful to remember that old saying that "the perfect is the enemy of the good." Rather than going over and over details on that project and missing that meeting because (I assume) you weren't 'ready', learn to find that spot where it's 'good enough'. Showing up with something is so much better than not showing up so you can work on something perfect.
posted by heatherann at 7:57 AM on November 6, 2010
posted by heatherann at 7:57 AM on November 6, 2010
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If there wasn't any fallout from your missed work, then I think you will be fine with an explanation of your circumstances and a little understanding on his/her part.
posted by TheBones at 7:18 AM on November 2, 2010