Help me become popular.
October 30, 2010 9:38 AM Subscribe
Please help me make friends in college.
So,
I am a third-year engineering student at a very prestigious university. My academics take up approximately 80% of my time each day, but I often have more free time during the weekends. I spent two quarters out of school for depressive symptoms (the school counselor said I just needed to be more outgoing).
I am currently in the getting-reacquainted-again stage. Last night was homecoming and I had physics laboratory until 9pm, so I e-mailed and texted ten people in advance to see when and where the parties were. Only one person responded, but later brushed me off once we got there.
I am highly involved in clubs and activities on campus, but it seems like most people only contact me if they need homework help. As a female, I try to dress up (when I can) and maintain good hygiene. I have gradually improved my listening and social skills over the years, but I still feel like the shy, awkward kid from high school. I have about two years left at college, and I am afraid that this will turn out to be one of the miserable experiences.
Any suggestions?
So,
I am a third-year engineering student at a very prestigious university. My academics take up approximately 80% of my time each day, but I often have more free time during the weekends. I spent two quarters out of school for depressive symptoms (the school counselor said I just needed to be more outgoing).
I am currently in the getting-reacquainted-again stage. Last night was homecoming and I had physics laboratory until 9pm, so I e-mailed and texted ten people in advance to see when and where the parties were. Only one person responded, but later brushed me off once we got there.
I am highly involved in clubs and activities on campus, but it seems like most people only contact me if they need homework help. As a female, I try to dress up (when I can) and maintain good hygiene. I have gradually improved my listening and social skills over the years, but I still feel like the shy, awkward kid from high school. I have about two years left at college, and I am afraid that this will turn out to be one of the miserable experiences.
Any suggestions?
Here's just a guess, which I am making without a lot of evidence...
If you're texting 10 people saying "Where's the party at???" that doesn't feel like friendship to me. As you say that sometimes it seems that people just contact you when they need homework help, by texting them (out-of-the-blue?) and asking for information about parties, it may seem to them that you're just using them for information that you don't have. (See how it is sort of the same?)
I wonder if you missed on the part of friendship that comes between meeting someone and "using" them for information/favors. With those 10 people that you've texted, have you developed over time closeness with them? Have you been there for them in their times of need? Do you go out for lunch just to chat about your lives?
In my experience, it is the day-to-day friendship development that is where you need to invest your energy.
If I were you, I'd flip it around. What are some things that you'd love for your friends to do for you? Maybe stuff like - you're sick, so they text to find out if they can pick you up some food or meds or tissues on their way home; your car is in the shop and you need a ride to pick it up and your friend does that; your friend remembers that you love panda bears and gets you an adorable panda candle when she sees it at the store... etc.
And then take that list of things and start consciously doing them for other people. Be a good friend. Be notorious for being a kind considerate friend.
Along with this - try not to gossip.
When you say popular, I think that you're implying quantity. My entire answer is more about quality.
posted by k8t at 9:58 AM on October 30, 2010 [14 favorites]
If you're texting 10 people saying "Where's the party at???" that doesn't feel like friendship to me. As you say that sometimes it seems that people just contact you when they need homework help, by texting them (out-of-the-blue?) and asking for information about parties, it may seem to them that you're just using them for information that you don't have. (See how it is sort of the same?)
I wonder if you missed on the part of friendship that comes between meeting someone and "using" them for information/favors. With those 10 people that you've texted, have you developed over time closeness with them? Have you been there for them in their times of need? Do you go out for lunch just to chat about your lives?
In my experience, it is the day-to-day friendship development that is where you need to invest your energy.
If I were you, I'd flip it around. What are some things that you'd love for your friends to do for you? Maybe stuff like - you're sick, so they text to find out if they can pick you up some food or meds or tissues on their way home; your car is in the shop and you need a ride to pick it up and your friend does that; your friend remembers that you love panda bears and gets you an adorable panda candle when she sees it at the store... etc.
And then take that list of things and start consciously doing them for other people. Be a good friend. Be notorious for being a kind considerate friend.
Along with this - try not to gossip.
When you say popular, I think that you're implying quantity. My entire answer is more about quality.
posted by k8t at 9:58 AM on October 30, 2010 [14 favorites]
PS, I should have added that "using" people for information/favors is not a bad thing. It is part of what friends are for. However, you need to develop a level of trust before you can do this with each other and not have "yo, help me with this problem" not be a rude thing.
posted by k8t at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by k8t at 10:01 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Based on the examples you've given us, it seems as though you may not have a great sense of the distinctions between socialization at the acquaintance level and socialization with close friends. Especially since you're seemingly not a natural social butterfly, I wonder whether one approach might be to try to go deeper with your social interactions, instead of going broader. Don't text ten people at a time or rely on crowded party scenes; pick two or three acquaintances who seem friendly and maybe ask them to go to a movie or stop by your place for homemade cookies.
Likewise, structured activities are definitely a good idea, but instead of trying to be shallowly involved with a bunch of stuff, you should focus on participating in just a few clubs where you'll be in extended interactions with small groups of people. Can you run for the leadership of any of the clubs you're in? That tends to be a great way to get closer to people who might be developed into friends. Likewise, smaller-membership, more niche clubs (especially ones that involve regular practices or other long periods of interaction, like church choirs and the like) will probably be more fertile ground for potential friendships than would huge cattle-call campus groups. Good luck!
posted by Bardolph at 10:09 AM on October 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
Likewise, structured activities are definitely a good idea, but instead of trying to be shallowly involved with a bunch of stuff, you should focus on participating in just a few clubs where you'll be in extended interactions with small groups of people. Can you run for the leadership of any of the clubs you're in? That tends to be a great way to get closer to people who might be developed into friends. Likewise, smaller-membership, more niche clubs (especially ones that involve regular practices or other long periods of interaction, like church choirs and the like) will probably be more fertile ground for potential friendships than would huge cattle-call campus groups. Good luck!
posted by Bardolph at 10:09 AM on October 30, 2010 [4 favorites]
Oh, by the way, you know all those people with tons of friends who are at parties every night? The ones you may be envious of? Chances are they'll keep in touch with maybe two people after college is over. It's the period after college when many people make the most of their lifelong friends, as that's the period where many people tend to start living somewhere that isn't defined by transience.
Don't concentrate on being a party girl if it isn't coming naturally. Instead of having ten people you can text, have two people at whose door you can show up at any time and be welcomed in with open arms. It takes a lot of effort, and a lot of maintenance, but if you're not the natural extrovert, pushing yourself to try to be may only make you more miserable.
Then again, I may be misreading your desires entirely. Either way, there are very many different forms of social lives and they're not one-size-fits-all. Figure out what you really want out of a friend first.
posted by griphus at 10:13 AM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Don't concentrate on being a party girl if it isn't coming naturally. Instead of having ten people you can text, have two people at whose door you can show up at any time and be welcomed in with open arms. It takes a lot of effort, and a lot of maintenance, but if you're not the natural extrovert, pushing yourself to try to be may only make you more miserable.
Then again, I may be misreading your desires entirely. Either way, there are very many different forms of social lives and they're not one-size-fits-all. Figure out what you really want out of a friend first.
posted by griphus at 10:13 AM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
One addendum to k8t's advice: please do these nice things because you want to, not because you expect anything in return. They are all wonderful things to do and are all things a good friend does, but a good friend does them simply because they are a good friend. People will notice your actions, but keeping score does a good friend make.
Another suggestion: invite people along to something you're planning to do anyway. As in "Hi guys! I'm planning to do X, want to come along?" where X is getting food, going grocery shopping, some fun activity on campus, etc. That way you're still doing whatever you planned, but you also may get to know people along the way. Having an activity to fall back on also helps if you're shy.
Also, which clubs/activities are you in? If they're tend to be academic, do you know if they also hang out for non-academic reasons? I've made good friends by going out for food/drinks with people from ACM and Math Club after the club meetings are over.
Good luck and have fun!
posted by wiskunde at 10:19 AM on October 30, 2010
Another suggestion: invite people along to something you're planning to do anyway. As in "Hi guys! I'm planning to do X, want to come along?" where X is getting food, going grocery shopping, some fun activity on campus, etc. That way you're still doing whatever you planned, but you also may get to know people along the way. Having an activity to fall back on also helps if you're shy.
Also, which clubs/activities are you in? If they're tend to be academic, do you know if they also hang out for non-academic reasons? I've made good friends by going out for food/drinks with people from ACM and Math Club after the club meetings are over.
Good luck and have fun!
posted by wiskunde at 10:19 AM on October 30, 2010
firstly, what griphus said. i studied electrical engineering at a university primarily known for it's humanities programmes, particularly poli sci and psych, and my core circle of friends were all non-engineers. engineers...i love them to bits but just not good friend material, at least in my personal experience.
also, what k8t said about your title - what does being popular have to do with friendship?
here are my parting thoughts for you; they are personal, YMMV. i recently finished "the consolations of philosophy" by alain de botton, wherein he surveys six philosopher's views on how to lead a "good" life. there is one startling constant from socrates, seneca, and montaigne - all were certain that friendship was a necessary part of any good life. of all the lessons i wish i never had to relearn every so often, the one i want to stick with me until i die is to never forget the value of friendship.
making friends is hard, at least for me. sure, it's easy to find drinking buddies to get wasted or high with. but to find people who accept you, even, i daresay, understand you, who you can rely on and vice versa, who provide light when times get dark, who you could chuckle with and say "hey man remember that time...". i say this is the great challenge of any life worth living. and i say the first obstacle is appreciating that it is indeed a challenge and one worth tackling.
i could offer you a lot of trite bullshit about friendship-making skills, which others, particularly on MeFi, have probably laid out better than i could, or you could read "how to win friends and influence people", or i could emphasise the importance of being comfortable with yourself, or i could tell you the only worthwhile ideas and visions i learned during my university degree were outside the classroom.
but saying any of that would imply i have answers for you, and i don't. the american saying "fake it till you make it" comes to mind though. good luck.
posted by asymptotic at 10:19 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
also, what k8t said about your title - what does being popular have to do with friendship?
here are my parting thoughts for you; they are personal, YMMV. i recently finished "the consolations of philosophy" by alain de botton, wherein he surveys six philosopher's views on how to lead a "good" life. there is one startling constant from socrates, seneca, and montaigne - all were certain that friendship was a necessary part of any good life. of all the lessons i wish i never had to relearn every so often, the one i want to stick with me until i die is to never forget the value of friendship.
making friends is hard, at least for me. sure, it's easy to find drinking buddies to get wasted or high with. but to find people who accept you, even, i daresay, understand you, who you can rely on and vice versa, who provide light when times get dark, who you could chuckle with and say "hey man remember that time...". i say this is the great challenge of any life worth living. and i say the first obstacle is appreciating that it is indeed a challenge and one worth tackling.
i could offer you a lot of trite bullshit about friendship-making skills, which others, particularly on MeFi, have probably laid out better than i could, or you could read "how to win friends and influence people", or i could emphasise the importance of being comfortable with yourself, or i could tell you the only worthwhile ideas and visions i learned during my university degree were outside the classroom.
but saying any of that would imply i have answers for you, and i don't. the american saying "fake it till you make it" comes to mind though. good luck.
posted by asymptotic at 10:19 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: @ kat: Yes, I am a female.
The ten people who I texted were very close to met six months ago. I often went out to lunch, dinner, and movies with them. Some have shared very deep secrets and experiences with me. So, I didn't think much of it when I contact them the night before. Everyone is aware of my busy schedule, and I do my best to hang out with them, so I just assumed they wouldn't mind my presence at homecoming.
posted by nikayla_luv at 10:29 AM on October 30, 2010
The ten people who I texted were very close to met six months ago. I often went out to lunch, dinner, and movies with them. Some have shared very deep secrets and experiences with me. So, I didn't think much of it when I contact them the night before. Everyone is aware of my busy schedule, and I do my best to hang out with them, so I just assumed they wouldn't mind my presence at homecoming.
posted by nikayla_luv at 10:29 AM on October 30, 2010
Response by poster: @ griphus: I am notorious for getting involved in academic clubs. I just feel guilty, at times, doing fun things when grad school apps are approaching. I think I will try joining a club just for fun.
posted by nikayla_luv at 10:31 AM on October 30, 2010
posted by nikayla_luv at 10:31 AM on October 30, 2010
The best way to develop friends is to take an interest in other people. Read Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.
This kind of thing gets easier with practice.
posted by dfriedman at 10:34 AM on October 30, 2010
This kind of thing gets easier with practice.
posted by dfriedman at 10:34 AM on October 30, 2010
Don't try to integrate into preexisting social groups. Instead, pick people you find interesting or fun or likeable, and invite them -- one or two at a time -- to join you for lunch or study sessions or the gym or whatever (preferably an activity that you both have to do anyway, where you can talk, as opposed to a movie where you're just sort of sitting near one another looking in the same direction). Ask them about themselves; make fun of problems or professors that you have in common; this will build a sense of 'we're in this together'. Don't worry about becoming best friends with any given one of them; just cultivate many one-on-one friendly acquaintances, and you'll find that 10 or 20% of them evolve naturally into stronger bonds.
posted by foursentences at 10:37 AM on October 30, 2010
posted by foursentences at 10:37 AM on October 30, 2010
I just feel guilty, at times, doing fun things when grad school apps are approaching.
Something will always be approaching. Try to limit feeling guilty to the very moment when you should be doing X. If you're doing well in school -- and not just always being busy from doing everything at the last minute -- take pride and confidence in your ability to schedule things. You feel guilty about not doing the apps but is this the moment you previously devoted to doing the apps? No? Then go do something fun and know, full well, that when the moment comes that you have to work, you will work.
posted by griphus at 10:49 AM on October 30, 2010
Something will always be approaching. Try to limit feeling guilty to the very moment when you should be doing X. If you're doing well in school -- and not just always being busy from doing everything at the last minute -- take pride and confidence in your ability to schedule things. You feel guilty about not doing the apps but is this the moment you previously devoted to doing the apps? No? Then go do something fun and know, full well, that when the moment comes that you have to work, you will work.
posted by griphus at 10:49 AM on October 30, 2010
I spent two quarters out of school for depressive symptoms (the school counselor said I just needed to be more outgoing).
That is such bad advice from a "counselor" as to be almost criminal. I mean, really? "Be more outgoing." Do they tell suicidal people to "walk it off??" This is slightly off-topic, but you might consider seeing an off-campus, real therapist at some point. College counseling centers are just so awful.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:55 AM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
That is such bad advice from a "counselor" as to be almost criminal. I mean, really? "Be more outgoing." Do they tell suicidal people to "walk it off??" This is slightly off-topic, but you might consider seeing an off-campus, real therapist at some point. College counseling centers are just so awful.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:55 AM on October 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am highly involved in clubs and activities on campus, but it seems like most people only contact me if they need homework help.
Well, maybe the only thing they know about you is that you are really good at homework. You see yourself as shy and awkward, but (and I know this is kind of a cliche), maybe they see themselves that way too. Academic clubs are not famous for attracting social butterflies. Maybe you just need to make the first move in initiating outside-of-club get-togethers.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:57 AM on October 30, 2010
Well, maybe the only thing they know about you is that you are really good at homework. You see yourself as shy and awkward, but (and I know this is kind of a cliche), maybe they see themselves that way too. Academic clubs are not famous for attracting social butterflies. Maybe you just need to make the first move in initiating outside-of-club get-togethers.
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:57 AM on October 30, 2010
The ten people who I texted were very close to met six months ago. I often went out to lunch, dinner, and movies with them. Some have shared very deep secrets and experiences with me. So, I didn't think much of it when I contact them the night before. Everyone is aware of my busy schedule, and I do my best to hang out with them, so I just assumed they wouldn't mind my presence at homecoming.
Has something happened since six months ago, to cause you guys to be less close? Have you been super busy with school and not spending as much time with them as usal?
posted by kylej at 10:58 AM on October 30, 2010
Has something happened since six months ago, to cause you guys to be less close? Have you been super busy with school and not spending as much time with them as usal?
posted by kylej at 10:58 AM on October 30, 2010
Response by poster: I have read snippets of How to Have Friends and Influence People. This has improved my social life immensely, in terms of weeding out the what-not-to-do's.
Don't try to integrate into preexisting social groups. Instead, pick people you find interesting or fun or likeable, and invite them -- one or two at a time -- to join you for lunch or study sessions or the gym or whatever (preferably an activity that you both have to do anyway, where you can talk, as opposed to a movie where you're just sort of sitting near one another looking in the same direction).
This is a really good idea. I will try it!
@kylej: Six months ago, I left school and took an internship opportunity closer to home. Perhaps my current busy schedule further alienated me.
Thanks all for the suggestions!
posted by nikayla_luv at 11:12 AM on October 30, 2010
Don't try to integrate into preexisting social groups. Instead, pick people you find interesting or fun or likeable, and invite them -- one or two at a time -- to join you for lunch or study sessions or the gym or whatever (preferably an activity that you both have to do anyway, where you can talk, as opposed to a movie where you're just sort of sitting near one another looking in the same direction).
This is a really good idea. I will try it!
@kylej: Six months ago, I left school and took an internship opportunity closer to home. Perhaps my current busy schedule further alienated me.
Thanks all for the suggestions!
posted by nikayla_luv at 11:12 AM on October 30, 2010
You mention that you're involved in clubs, but that people only contact you for homework help.
Have you tried reaching out to them, and inviting people places? Keep it very casual and light, something like "Hey I have an opening in my schedule tomorrow, would you like to meet for lunch?"
And be aware that "homework help" can be a social occasion in disguise. Let the other person set the tone; if they are strongly focused on keeping your meeting on topic, then so be it. (i.e. they really do just want help with their homework.) But if they're willing to let the conversation ramble, then follow them there.
If you're unsure of which kind of "homework help" you're being offered, note the venue. If they want to meet at the library, it's probably really homework help. If they want to meet at a coffee house, or at their place, then it might be the "thinly-veiled excuse for hanging out" sort of "homework help."
posted by ErikaB at 11:41 AM on October 30, 2010
Have you tried reaching out to them, and inviting people places? Keep it very casual and light, something like "Hey I have an opening in my schedule tomorrow, would you like to meet for lunch?"
And be aware that "homework help" can be a social occasion in disguise. Let the other person set the tone; if they are strongly focused on keeping your meeting on topic, then so be it. (i.e. they really do just want help with their homework.) But if they're willing to let the conversation ramble, then follow them there.
If you're unsure of which kind of "homework help" you're being offered, note the venue. If they want to meet at the library, it's probably really homework help. If they want to meet at a coffee house, or at their place, then it might be the "thinly-veiled excuse for hanging out" sort of "homework help."
posted by ErikaB at 11:41 AM on October 30, 2010
I have read snippets of How to Have Friends and Influence People. This has improved my social life immensely, in terms of weeding out the what-not-to-do's.
Ah! If you're one to do well with taking advice from things you read, devour this site!
posted by griphus at 11:59 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Ah! If you're one to do well with taking advice from things you read, devour this site!
posted by griphus at 11:59 AM on October 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Everyone is aware of my busy schedule, and I do my best to hang out with them, so I just assumed they wouldn't mind my presence at homecoming.
Could you perhaps start accommodating your own schedule so that you can hang out with people? You say that everyone else is aware of your schedule, but are you aware about how busy everyone else is??
One of my best friends at college is incredibly busy and sometimes it is just incredibly tiring and frustrating to constantly structure my more flexible, but just as busy schedule, around hers so we can hang out!
My academics take up approximately 80% of my time each day, but I often have more free time during the weekends.
Is the atmosphere at your school more competitive or collaborative? The university I go is notorious for being incredibly difficult and time consuming while not getting the recognition as being as one of those "most prestigious" universities so students in classes tend to band together, study together, and sometimes just hang out together. If it's more of a collaborative atmosphere, reach out to your lab mates! They're as tired and in need of a break from school work as you are when it's 9pm and you just finished a lab. Get a group of people to go get a late dinner/dessert snack afterwards!
I am notorious for getting involved in academic clubs. I just feel guilty, at times, doing fun things when grad school apps are approaching. I think I will try joining a club just for fun.
"Fun" clubs can look as appealing on grad school apps as academic ones if you show that you're actively involved and in a leadership role. And plus, they're fun! Do something absolutely spontaneous and out of character and join a random sports club! It could be something you have no idea about or something you've always been interested in doing but never got around to doing it. I joined my school's women's ice hockey team my first year of college (am a 3rd year like you) without even knowing how to skate! Now, quite a few of my friends are the ones I play hockey with!
I hope this helps. Feel free to Memail more as I am also a college student but not quite in the same boat as you!
posted by astapasta24 at 12:05 PM on October 30, 2010
Could you perhaps start accommodating your own schedule so that you can hang out with people? You say that everyone else is aware of your schedule, but are you aware about how busy everyone else is??
One of my best friends at college is incredibly busy and sometimes it is just incredibly tiring and frustrating to constantly structure my more flexible, but just as busy schedule, around hers so we can hang out!
My academics take up approximately 80% of my time each day, but I often have more free time during the weekends.
Is the atmosphere at your school more competitive or collaborative? The university I go is notorious for being incredibly difficult and time consuming while not getting the recognition as being as one of those "most prestigious" universities so students in classes tend to band together, study together, and sometimes just hang out together. If it's more of a collaborative atmosphere, reach out to your lab mates! They're as tired and in need of a break from school work as you are when it's 9pm and you just finished a lab. Get a group of people to go get a late dinner/dessert snack afterwards!
I am notorious for getting involved in academic clubs. I just feel guilty, at times, doing fun things when grad school apps are approaching. I think I will try joining a club just for fun.
"Fun" clubs can look as appealing on grad school apps as academic ones if you show that you're actively involved and in a leadership role. And plus, they're fun! Do something absolutely spontaneous and out of character and join a random sports club! It could be something you have no idea about or something you've always been interested in doing but never got around to doing it. I joined my school's women's ice hockey team my first year of college (am a 3rd year like you) without even knowing how to skate! Now, quite a few of my friends are the ones I play hockey with!
I hope this helps. Feel free to Memail more as I am also a college student but not quite in the same boat as you!
posted by astapasta24 at 12:05 PM on October 30, 2010
I had a feeling about you from this question, but I didn't want to guess without seeing if anything else you'd posted would fit with it.
My apologies for connecting too many dots, but these things create a striking picture for me: you pursue academics 80% of every weekday; you consider the prestige of your university to be a salient detail somehow; you are concerned with being popular; you supposed homecoming would be a significant party occasion for many; you study up on how to interact with people; you had a strict upbringing and parents who gave attention to many, many foster children, while you became a "secondary mother" to them too even before the age of 16; you competed in pageants as a teen; you join a lot of academic clubs; you've suffered from drinking issues and from depression; you'll be the first in your family to graduate college; you feel like you'll let a community down if you don't do well; you try to dress up to impress others; in high school, you took two jobs of your own volition rather than strictly out of need.
I suspect a lot that's not quite right for you comes from trying to be perfect--trying to be and to do the things that you think everyone else thinks someone in your position ought to be doing.
What makes people interesting and fun to be around isn't that they do things that people are supposed to do, but rather the opposite: it's the off-kilter odd facts about someone and the unusual thoughts they have and the weird or stupid things they do that make for good conversation. And people who're continually stressing out about the ordinary things we're all supposed to do (but that most of us neglect sometimes) are not that fun to be around.
I think the main thing you need to do is anything healthy that's not on the "track" to success. Reading Dale Carnegie, et al., is fine, but overall, you seem more like a candidate for Thich Nhat Hanh, e.g. Peace is Every Step.
Other than that, just love, love, love the things about other people that are strange to you, and I think you'll have many good friends in no time.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 3:20 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
My apologies for connecting too many dots, but these things create a striking picture for me: you pursue academics 80% of every weekday; you consider the prestige of your university to be a salient detail somehow; you are concerned with being popular; you supposed homecoming would be a significant party occasion for many; you study up on how to interact with people; you had a strict upbringing and parents who gave attention to many, many foster children, while you became a "secondary mother" to them too even before the age of 16; you competed in pageants as a teen; you join a lot of academic clubs; you've suffered from drinking issues and from depression; you'll be the first in your family to graduate college; you feel like you'll let a community down if you don't do well; you try to dress up to impress others; in high school, you took two jobs of your own volition rather than strictly out of need.
I suspect a lot that's not quite right for you comes from trying to be perfect--trying to be and to do the things that you think everyone else thinks someone in your position ought to be doing.
What makes people interesting and fun to be around isn't that they do things that people are supposed to do, but rather the opposite: it's the off-kilter odd facts about someone and the unusual thoughts they have and the weird or stupid things they do that make for good conversation. And people who're continually stressing out about the ordinary things we're all supposed to do (but that most of us neglect sometimes) are not that fun to be around.
I think the main thing you need to do is anything healthy that's not on the "track" to success. Reading Dale Carnegie, et al., is fine, but overall, you seem more like a candidate for Thich Nhat Hanh, e.g. Peace is Every Step.
Other than that, just love, love, love the things about other people that are strange to you, and I think you'll have many good friends in no time.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 3:20 PM on October 30, 2010 [3 favorites]
I used to worry about that sort of thing but I've come to realize that one or two deep friendships with people you really cherish is worth more than a thousand popular party-animal acquaintances that you really don't relate to.
posted by moorooka at 5:32 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by moorooka at 5:32 PM on October 30, 2010
Start throwing your own parties and invite lots of people, including the other shy people from your classes who seem like they might not have a lot of friends either.
posted by Jacqueline at 8:43 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by Jacqueline at 8:43 PM on October 30, 2010
Response by poster: Thank you everyone for your suggestions and kind words. I truly appreciate it!
posted by nikayla_luv at 9:03 PM on October 30, 2010
posted by nikayla_luv at 9:03 PM on October 30, 2010
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Are you in academic clubs and activities or, well, the fun kind? It's sort of a facile distinction, but I'm pretty sure you know what i mean. I met my closest friends from college by way of the Anime Society. I don't even like anime, but it seemed to have been where people who enjoyed going out and doing non-school things (that weren't just getting plastered every night) congregated.
posted by griphus at 9:58 AM on October 30, 2010