Phunny Phone Phrases?

October 26, 2010 11:17 PM

I need a bunch of ways to answer my phone humorously, in the vein of "Jack's Mortuary, U Stab 'em, We Slab 'em", etc. This is in response to someone at work who has challenged me. How many can you help me with?
posted by pjern to grab bag (49 answers total)

Frank's Taxidermy, you snuff 'em, we stuff 'em!
Joe's Cryogenics, you kill 'em, we chill 'em!
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:22 PM on October 26, 2010

A friend used to say "Bill's Mortuary; you kill 'em, we chill 'em". Much the same as yours though.
posted by twirlypen at 11:23 PM on October 26, 2010

Steve's Crematorium, you ghost 'em, we'll roast 'em.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:26 PM on October 26, 2010

Bill's Roadside Diner: you kill 'em, we grill 'em!
posted by heeeraldo at 11:26 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

The next line for the "you stab 'em, we slab 'em" one is:

Some go to Heaven, some go to Hellllll-o
posted by amyms at 11:27 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]

My uncle was found of this one:

[Insert your last name here]'s Mule Barn. Head ass speaking.
posted by amyms at 11:27 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]

Bob's Unusually Sourced Pig Feed Emporium, you chop 'em, we'll slop 'em.

Alex's Taxidermy World, You Snuff 'em, We'll Stuff'em.
posted by Ghidorah at 11:28 PM on October 26, 2010

Oh, and after you've assaulted your friend with an endless stream of these things and you're ready to end the joke, answer the phone by saying in a somber voice, "Godfrey and Sons Funeral Home. How may we assist you in your time of need?"
posted by Faint of Butt at 11:31 PM on October 26, 2010

"Pinky's Porno Palace.... what's your pleasure?"
posted by mrmarley at 12:02 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Betty's BDSM Boutique. All of our operators are tied up right now, leave a message you bad bad boy.
posted by jamaro at 12:37 AM on October 27, 2010 [3 favorites]

"Abortion clinic, you knock em up, we knock em down, no fetus can defeat us, we have a special on twins today, how may I help you?"
posted by nooneyouknow at 12:47 AM on October 27, 2010 [8 favorites]

If it's a cell phone: "I told you never to call me here"
posted by MuffinMan at 12:47 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

"PJern's castle, what's your hassle?"
posted by samthemander at 12:54 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Hanger Abortions, you rape 'em we scrape 'em, no fetus can beat us"
posted by motown missile at 1:12 AM on October 27, 2010

what fresh hell is this?
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 2:20 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Joe's Bra Shop: we fix flats."
posted by TedW at 2:44 AM on October 27, 2010

Epicenter of the Universe, God Speaking...
posted by DreamerFi at 3:14 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

You've reached the worlds greatest psychic. Since I already know who you are and why you called, I'll, uh, talk to you later...
posted by Redhush at 3:53 AM on October 27, 2010 [2 favorites]

A simple, refreshing "GHOSTBUSTERS WHADDAYA WANT?" can do wonders.
posted by infinitewindow at 4:40 AM on October 27, 2010 [3 favorites]

Bob's ambulance, you maul 'em we haul 'em.

Dr. Smith's fix it shop, you say it we spay it

Good morning, First Third Bank of the Firth of Forth.

Crockadollar Bank, We want your money.
posted by Kevin S at 4:58 AM on October 27, 2010

Randy's Radiators: a great place to take a leak.
posted by I'm Doing the Dishes at 5:15 AM on October 27, 2010

"House of Beauty, this is Cutie."

"Fire Dept.: You light 'em, we fight 'em. We haven't lost a basement yet!"

"24-hour locksmith, you lock it, we pop it"

"Hello, Duffy's Tavern, where the elite meet to eat. Archie the manager speakin'. Duffy ain't here"

"Akbar and Jeff's Airport Snackbar, Where the elite meet to eat reheated meaty treats!"

"Sal's Ice Cream, where the elite meet to beat the heat!"
posted by sambosambo at 5:31 AM on October 27, 2010

I like to go with Ahoy-hoy, which was Alexander Graham Bell's favored method of answering his new invention.
posted by decathecting at 5:39 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Not exactly what you were looking for, but I usually just say "Dominos" when I want to be a dick when answering the phone.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 6:06 AM on October 27, 2010

My favorite is "Hello Batman's House, uhhh I mean Wayne Manor".
posted by blackjack514 at 6:15 AM on October 27, 2010 [7 favorites]

"Psychic Pizza. $14.83. About thirty minutes."
posted by Netzapper at 6:19 AM on October 27, 2010 [8 favorites]

Roadkill Cafe: you kill 'em, we grill 'em.
[LastName] Pecan farm, which nut would you like to speak to?
[LastName] Pizza: Will this be takeout or delivery?
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:20 AM on October 27, 2010

My mom had this audio tape that was all about life affirmations and self esteem. The part about answering the phone was especially hilarious. The speaker suggested that to brighten people's day, instead of answering the phone with a standard greeting, he now says (and he did this on the tape in an extremely jovial, almost screaming, manner) : "TOP OF THE MORNIN TO YA !!"

Like a leprechaun.
posted by odinsdream at 6:34 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

Dominoes Pizza, take out or delivery?

(don't answer, wait a minute, then call back) Who is this? (while munching a bag of cheetos works best)
posted by Ghidorah at 6:41 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

City zoo, rhino speaking.
posted by lemniskate at 6:44 AM on October 27, 2010 [2 favorites]

"Pjern's Steam Bath emporium, the Ritz of the Schvitz... uh, you'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."
posted by thusspakeparanoia at 6:53 AM on October 27, 2010

A word of warning: I once answered the phone with, "Clancy's Mortuary: we carry out all we undertake". It was one of my mother's employees calling to say she wouldn't be in because her mother died. To this day she laughs whenever she sees me.

Anyway, I went through a laundry list of these sorts of things when I was in high school until I settled on my favorite (though sadly anachronistic now): "What city please?" That one stunned all callers. Even when I stopped and told my aunt it was me, she insisted she had the wrong number and would try again.
posted by yerfatma at 7:11 AM on October 27, 2010 [3 favorites]

Satan's Den, what in the Hell do you want?
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:38 AM on October 27, 2010

(If you have call display:) "Hello, may I please speak to [caller's name]?" It temporarily throws some people. Fun when they say "Hey, that's my line!"
posted by Hardcore Poser at 8:28 AM on October 27, 2010

"We're sorry. You've reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
posted by leapfrog at 8:57 AM on October 27, 2010 [6 favorites]

Answer with, "Yeah, I'd like a large pepperoni, extra cheese..."

Or my favorite from college: "Pediatrics."
posted by dywypi at 9:02 AM on October 27, 2010

A guy I work with once answered the phone with "Hello, you have reached the desk of [his name]. Unfortunately, I am available to take your call."
posted by cottonswab at 9:48 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Urology department, can you hold please?"
posted by leapfrog at 9:51 AM on October 27, 2010

"Door to Door Dildo Delivery, no job too big or too small."
posted by clavicle at 9:55 AM on October 27, 2010

"Hi, is $nameoncallerid there?"
posted by cmoj at 10:09 AM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

"Al's Pool Hall, We Rack 'Em, You Crack 'Em".

Ah, college days...
posted by stellaluna at 10:17 AM on October 27, 2010

Scrooge McDuck always answered with "Speak! It's your dime!"
posted by vorfeed at 10:28 AM on October 27, 2010

"FBI, [City] office. How may I... Oh crap! *hang up*
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 10:33 AM on October 27, 2010

Hello, is this the party to whom I'm speaking ?
posted by Kevin S at 12:52 PM on October 27, 2010

Velvet Touch Massage Parlor . . . We never rub you the wrong way.
posted by IvanKalinin at 7:59 PM on October 27, 2010

"You've reached Acme Industrial Dog Washers. Now offering bulk rates for sixty collies or more."
posted by Iridic at 11:11 PM on October 27, 2010 [1 favorite]

You fight 'em, we last rite 'em.
posted by h00py at 6:25 AM on October 28, 2010

DreamerFi and cmoj stole my first and second suggestions. I used to answer ringing payphones with the "epicenter" one quite frequently. It was very off-putting to the caller.

You can take a tip from Steve Martin in L.A. Story:
"Hi, this is <name>. I'm here right now, so you can talk to me. Please start talking at the beep. *beep*"

If you can do that sing-song voice that the lady in Office Space pulls off so perfectly, go for:
"Corporate-accounts-payable-Nina speaking. Just a mo-ment!"

Similar to cmoj's suggestion, you can start talking as if you're in the middle of a conversation. Lots of options there:

"Absolutely not!"
"Yes, of course. Don't be ridiculous."
"I don't know; what do you think?"
"I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like weasels."
posted by ErWenn at 9:14 PM on October 28, 2010

A friend in college used to answer "Vatican West, God bless you"
posted by Araucaria at 12:23 PM on January 6, 2011