My girlfriend is a great cook, and all I can do is whine about it
October 26, 2010 12:20 PM Subscribe
How can I reconcile my needs/desires for independent free time when my significant other wants lots of couple time?
I've been living with my girlfriend for about 4 months now and I feel like the relationship is going great. We both have the same ideas about commitment and we have a lot of fun together. For the most part we share the same interests, which makes things easy when planning travel or when ski season is upon us. However, I sometimes find myself resenting my loss of independent free time. I'm not sure if this is part of being in a serious relationship with someone you live with (this is my first live-in girlfriend situation) or if I need to be dealing with the issue better.
My biggest frustration comes with meal preparation. I consider myself to be somewhat of a foodie and enjoy eating a variety of delicious foods. I am a good cook and spending time to cook a good meal once or twice a week is very enjoyable for me. However, I'm also just as happy coming home after work a few times a week and microwaving a can of garbanzo beans and calling it good. My girlfriend is a fantastic cook and would be happy spending two hours each night cooking something outrageously delicious. That's totally awesome. However, two hours out of my evening is the majority of my work day's free time, and when I'm stuck in the kitchen while precious daylight hours disappear I start enjoying those great meals a lot less.
My attempts so far at wanting to get out of this cooking habit (or other time-consuming habit I'd rather not do) haven't been very productive. I usually state my preference of what I'd rather be doing and she claims that part of being in a relationship is spending time together and having shared goals. I totally get this, but I feel like there should be a good balance of couple time and individual time. I usually give into her requests for spending time together and end up whining about what I'm doing which definitely results in less-enjoyable couple time, and is something I'm obviously not very proud of.
Ideally, I'd like to be able to approach this in a manner so that I'd be able to get the free time for myself I need, while at the same time my girlfriend is happy with the couple time that we do share. I should point out that I'm very happy spending the majority of my non-work hours with my girlfriend and for the most part we can easily agree on how to spend our time. Also, it's probably relevant to say that housework chores outside of cooking are very equally split between us.
How do other couples do this? How do you let them see that you love them and the time you spend with them but you also love the time you don't spend with them?
I've been living with my girlfriend for about 4 months now and I feel like the relationship is going great. We both have the same ideas about commitment and we have a lot of fun together. For the most part we share the same interests, which makes things easy when planning travel or when ski season is upon us. However, I sometimes find myself resenting my loss of independent free time. I'm not sure if this is part of being in a serious relationship with someone you live with (this is my first live-in girlfriend situation) or if I need to be dealing with the issue better.
My biggest frustration comes with meal preparation. I consider myself to be somewhat of a foodie and enjoy eating a variety of delicious foods. I am a good cook and spending time to cook a good meal once or twice a week is very enjoyable for me. However, I'm also just as happy coming home after work a few times a week and microwaving a can of garbanzo beans and calling it good. My girlfriend is a fantastic cook and would be happy spending two hours each night cooking something outrageously delicious. That's totally awesome. However, two hours out of my evening is the majority of my work day's free time, and when I'm stuck in the kitchen while precious daylight hours disappear I start enjoying those great meals a lot less.
My attempts so far at wanting to get out of this cooking habit (or other time-consuming habit I'd rather not do) haven't been very productive. I usually state my preference of what I'd rather be doing and she claims that part of being in a relationship is spending time together and having shared goals. I totally get this, but I feel like there should be a good balance of couple time and individual time. I usually give into her requests for spending time together and end up whining about what I'm doing which definitely results in less-enjoyable couple time, and is something I'm obviously not very proud of.
Ideally, I'd like to be able to approach this in a manner so that I'd be able to get the free time for myself I need, while at the same time my girlfriend is happy with the couple time that we do share. I should point out that I'm very happy spending the majority of my non-work hours with my girlfriend and for the most part we can easily agree on how to spend our time. Also, it's probably relevant to say that housework chores outside of cooking are very equally split between us.
How do other couples do this? How do you let them see that you love them and the time you spend with them but you also love the time you don't spend with them?
Quit giving in, quit complaining about it when you do give in.
Explain that having time to yourself is important to you, it's something you need to recharge your batteries or whatever. Part of a relationship is indeed spending time together, but not all your time. A couple is still made of individuals.
If you want to do something by yourself, just tell her ahead of time. Rather than state a preference about what you'd rather be doing, state that there's a thing you're going to be doing (and tell her what it is), and tell her you need a bit of alone time. Explain to her that this is just how you're sort of wired and it always has been and it has nothing to do with her.
It is really kind of vital that you make it as a statement and not an indication of preference or a question.
But really - stop caving in and stop complaining when you do. It's only going to lead to the two of you resenting each other, and that is never good.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:30 PM on October 26, 2010 [12 favorites]
Explain that having time to yourself is important to you, it's something you need to recharge your batteries or whatever. Part of a relationship is indeed spending time together, but not all your time. A couple is still made of individuals.
If you want to do something by yourself, just tell her ahead of time. Rather than state a preference about what you'd rather be doing, state that there's a thing you're going to be doing (and tell her what it is), and tell her you need a bit of alone time. Explain to her that this is just how you're sort of wired and it always has been and it has nothing to do with her.
It is really kind of vital that you make it as a statement and not an indication of preference or a question.
But really - stop caving in and stop complaining when you do. It's only going to lead to the two of you resenting each other, and that is never good.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:30 PM on October 26, 2010 [12 favorites]
I usually state my preference of what I'd rather be doing and she claims that part of being in a relationship is spending time together and having shared goals.
I think it's not unreasonable at all to explain that you also need time to unwind, and sometimes that involves needing alone time. Also, in your position, I'd sit down and try to come to a compromise in terms of how many nights a week dinner will be cooked together, and be more of a production, and see if you can work in a few nights of easy fast dinner that leave the rest of the evening to do other things.
If spending all of your time with her is making you resentful, you need to talk to her about it before it causes a huge rift in your relationship.
posted by Zophi at 12:31 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think it's not unreasonable at all to explain that you also need time to unwind, and sometimes that involves needing alone time. Also, in your position, I'd sit down and try to come to a compromise in terms of how many nights a week dinner will be cooked together, and be more of a production, and see if you can work in a few nights of easy fast dinner that leave the rest of the evening to do other things.
If spending all of your time with her is making you resentful, you need to talk to her about it before it causes a huge rift in your relationship.
posted by Zophi at 12:31 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
If your girlfriend his happy spending two hours a night cooking, LET HER. Not everything has to be a shared activity.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:34 PM on October 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:34 PM on October 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
I had to reiterate to my now-husband, many many many times, that I needed alone time and that it was not a rejection of him. I just needed alone time. We also spent more alone-together time, where we were each doing our own (quiet) thing but in the same room together ... he would read and I would embroider, for example.
I'd also work on compromising on number of nights of cooking. Also, if she wants cooking every night, can't she cook alone sometimes? Three nights together, three nights she cooks alone, one night you cook for her? Or whatever breakdown works.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'd also work on compromising on number of nights of cooking. Also, if she wants cooking every night, can't she cook alone sometimes? Three nights together, three nights she cooks alone, one night you cook for her? Or whatever breakdown works.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
Regarding the extensive meal prep, why not work out a schedule together of what kinds of meals happen when in the week? Like Saturday and Sunday are the days for great, involved foodie meals, and weekdays are for 30 minute ones (which can still satisfy your inner foodie).
I feel for you--I'm very similar in needing a fair bit of alone time so that I can be happy when it's together time. This is going to have to be a sit-down conversation where you both start with stating your preferred ratio for couple v. alone time, then negotiate. I'd also recommend a frank discussion about why she wants so much time together as a couple, and why you need some time to yourself. In the end, she won't get as much couple time as she'd like and you won't get as much alone time as you'd like, but you'll both be on the same page about both of your needs, and you'll understand each other a little more.
Good luck!
posted by smirkette at 12:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I feel for you--I'm very similar in needing a fair bit of alone time so that I can be happy when it's together time. This is going to have to be a sit-down conversation where you both start with stating your preferred ratio for couple v. alone time, then negotiate. I'd also recommend a frank discussion about why she wants so much time together as a couple, and why you need some time to yourself. In the end, she won't get as much couple time as she'd like and you won't get as much alone time as you'd like, but you'll both be on the same page about both of your needs, and you'll understand each other a little more.
Good luck!
posted by smirkette at 12:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Start doing some things separately. There are plenty of things I like doing that my boyfriend doesn't like to do and likewise with him. There are also lots of things we enjoy doing together. Speaking very specifically, I have no expectation that he gets obsessed with cake decorating like I do and he has no expectation that I get involved in writing/solving math problems with him. But that doesn't stop me from asking him occasionally if he thinks I should go with the purple fondant or the green, and it doesn't stop him from asking me my perspective on the prisoner's dilemma. I'll do something in another room if he's listening to Radiohead; he may go for a bike ride if I'm listening to Run DMC. And so on.
Next time your girlfriend wants to make a big, elaborate meal, just say, "that's awesome! Thanks! I'm going to go for a walk outside." She may freak out, but it's her thing that she likes to do. Ask her if she'd like to come futz around outside with you and then just eat leftovers for dinner instead. If not, that's ok, it can be your thing that you like to do.
You don't have to do everything together. Very few (if any) couples I know like all the exact same things. She should have her own interests and you should have yours. And then you can talk about all the things you did by yourself when you're just kicking back together.
posted by phunniemee at 12:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Next time your girlfriend wants to make a big, elaborate meal, just say, "that's awesome! Thanks! I'm going to go for a walk outside." She may freak out, but it's her thing that she likes to do. Ask her if she'd like to come futz around outside with you and then just eat leftovers for dinner instead. If not, that's ok, it can be your thing that you like to do.
You don't have to do everything together. Very few (if any) couples I know like all the exact same things. She should have her own interests and you should have yours. And then you can talk about all the things you did by yourself when you're just kicking back together.
posted by phunniemee at 12:35 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, what are the other things you want to be doing? Can you do any of them at your kitchen table and keep her company while she cooks? (Surf the net on a laptop, do homework, read a book, pay bills, whatever?)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:37 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:37 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I usually state my preference of what I'd rather be doing and she claims that part of being in a relationship is spending time together and having shared goals.
I'm full of hate for the "fixed that for you" trope but it's necessary in this case.
She claims that part of being in a relationship with her is spending time together and having shared goals.
Unless she's Dan Savage in drag or the reincarnated spirit of Eppie Lederer, she's not any more of a relationship expert than you. Don't let society's expectations that women are relationship experts help both of you two screw the pooch on this one.
Having a relationship with you requires that you get to spend some more time alone.
Both of you have rights (and responsibilities) on how to define what your relationship will be like. When you can't agree, you've got to compromise. But on very few things are there inflexible rules of what "being in a relationship" actually Is-with-a-capital-I.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:38 PM on October 26, 2010 [8 favorites]
On the food issue: Left overs!
Cook a couple few times a week and heat-and-eat left overs the other days. Just about as quick as opening a can of beans but much yummier. If you schedule things right you don't have to eat the same thing every day either.
posted by mazola at 12:39 PM on October 26, 2010
Cook a couple few times a week and heat-and-eat left overs the other days. Just about as quick as opening a can of beans but much yummier. If you schedule things right you don't have to eat the same thing every day either.
posted by mazola at 12:39 PM on October 26, 2010
"Time together is like... it's like a particular vitamin. We NEED it to keep our relationship healthy - I agree 100%! However, when the amount of 'togetherness' passes a certain point, for me, it stops feeling healthy and starts feeling TOXIC... rather than making 'us' feel great, it makes 'us' start feeling all drooly and twitchy and wretched. ALSO, my time by MYSELF allows me to recharge, develop as a person, etc. - it's ALSO like a vitamin, and I need regular doses of it. Unless we can strike a balance, I'm going to be suffering Hypervitaminosis Girlfriend at the SAME DAMNED TIME as I'm developing Personal Identity-Scurvy! Do you really want that?"
(Well, maybe toned down a BIT...)
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:42 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
(Well, maybe toned down a BIT...)
posted by julthumbscrew at 12:42 PM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
When you talk to her about this, don't forget to stop and validate her feelings and preferences. Tell her you can understand her desire to be around you all the time because of how much you enjoy spending time with her! But then, let her know about the other feelings you start having (frustration? anxiety? being worn out?) when you can't get any down time. Tell her you don't want to get stuck in a pattern where you give in and then resent her, and you hope the two of you can work out a solution where both of you get what you need.
posted by synchronia at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by synchronia at 12:46 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
You need to tell her about what you asked here, rather than get all bitter and resentful. It takes a while to figure it out, but couples do manage to compromise on how much couple-time and how much alone-time they have each week.
Things that I think really help:
- Never expect the other person to just drop what they are doing for you. Your fun is not more important than their fun.
- Learn to entertain yourself in many ways, your fun should not rely on someone else.
- If you can do something yourself, do it. No disturbing the other person by asking for help you don't really need. Especially no waiting until they stand up and asking for a drink and stuff like that.
- Greetings and farewells - whoever is leaving/arriving just waves or plants a kiss on cheek of other person, who may or may not still be asleep or lying in bed. No having to get up or crazy elaborate greeting rituals.
- Learn to do different things alongside each other, quietly or with headphones on if they are not things that allow both parties to talk.
- Plan some nice shared activities in advance - dinners, movies, walks in park. Get a wall calendar and add them.
- Share the housework in a fair way. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. A whiteboard with a weekly chore list plus TODO section can help.
It is all about being considerate of each other, nobody being a diva, not living through someone else, and not stressing your partner. After that everything seems to fall into place and you end up snuggling naked on the couch watching CSI reruns for hours.
posted by meepmeow at 1:07 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
Things that I think really help:
- Never expect the other person to just drop what they are doing for you. Your fun is not more important than their fun.
- Learn to entertain yourself in many ways, your fun should not rely on someone else.
- If you can do something yourself, do it. No disturbing the other person by asking for help you don't really need. Especially no waiting until they stand up and asking for a drink and stuff like that.
- Greetings and farewells - whoever is leaving/arriving just waves or plants a kiss on cheek of other person, who may or may not still be asleep or lying in bed. No having to get up or crazy elaborate greeting rituals.
- Learn to do different things alongside each other, quietly or with headphones on if they are not things that allow both parties to talk.
- Plan some nice shared activities in advance - dinners, movies, walks in park. Get a wall calendar and add them.
- Share the housework in a fair way. This is probably one of the hardest things to do. A whiteboard with a weekly chore list plus TODO section can help.
It is all about being considerate of each other, nobody being a diva, not living through someone else, and not stressing your partner. After that everything seems to fall into place and you end up snuggling naked on the couch watching CSI reruns for hours.
posted by meepmeow at 1:07 PM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
I do the majority of the cooking. One of our policies is that my wife be elsewhere in the house for the most part. Very rarely is she at the kitchen table, visiting while I cook.
This is sometimes the only alone time that I get. I sometimes listen to my iPod while cooking, and that sorta reinforces the message. . .
posted by Danf at 1:11 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
This is sometimes the only alone time that I get. I sometimes listen to my iPod while cooking, and that sorta reinforces the message. . .
posted by Danf at 1:11 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
My attempts so far at wanting to get out of this cooking habit (or other time-consuming habit I'd rather not do) haven't been very productive. I usually state my preference of what I'd rather be doing
Have you tried just scheduling what you'd rather be doing, and then letting her know that you'll be doing FOO after work on Tuesdays (where FOO could be: meeting with a bookclub, going to the gym, catching the latest art house movie at the local theater, taking a hike, or whatever else it is that you'd rather be doing in that few hours)?
What I'm trying to get at here is that there's a difference between a girlfriend who gets defensive when you complain you'd rather be doing something else while you're hanging out with her, and a girlfriend who tries to actually prevent you from going and doing those things. Hell, I'd probably get a bit defensive if I was hanging out with my boyfriend and we were bopping around the kitchen making dinner and he started talking about how he'd rather be doing something else; it's hard to not read that a rejection. On the other hand, I have no problem with him just not being there because he has other plans, whether that's doing happy hour with coworkers or going on a 2-hour run after work or talking with his parents on the phone in the other room.
Start just making other plans.** If she complains about that, then you might need to sit down and have the heart-to-heart about alone time in a relationship; if she doesn't, well, then your problem is solved. There are times when "talk about it" is exactly the wrong thing to do in order to solve a relationship problem, and I have a hunch that this might be one of those times. Stop talking, start just doing!
**I'd suggest you begin by planning solo things outside of your house or apartment; it can take a bit of practice to get used to (for instance) making dinner when your partner just sits on the couch and zones out in front of a movie, even though that's not technically any different from making dinner yourself when your partner is out at a movie by themselves, it's hard to break the habit of trying to talk with them and getting a bit annoyed that they don't want to interact with you.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:21 PM on October 26, 2010
Have you tried just scheduling what you'd rather be doing, and then letting her know that you'll be doing FOO after work on Tuesdays (where FOO could be: meeting with a bookclub, going to the gym, catching the latest art house movie at the local theater, taking a hike, or whatever else it is that you'd rather be doing in that few hours)?
What I'm trying to get at here is that there's a difference between a girlfriend who gets defensive when you complain you'd rather be doing something else while you're hanging out with her, and a girlfriend who tries to actually prevent you from going and doing those things. Hell, I'd probably get a bit defensive if I was hanging out with my boyfriend and we were bopping around the kitchen making dinner and he started talking about how he'd rather be doing something else; it's hard to not read that a rejection. On the other hand, I have no problem with him just not being there because he has other plans, whether that's doing happy hour with coworkers or going on a 2-hour run after work or talking with his parents on the phone in the other room.
Start just making other plans.** If she complains about that, then you might need to sit down and have the heart-to-heart about alone time in a relationship; if she doesn't, well, then your problem is solved. There are times when "talk about it" is exactly the wrong thing to do in order to solve a relationship problem, and I have a hunch that this might be one of those times. Stop talking, start just doing!
**I'd suggest you begin by planning solo things outside of your house or apartment; it can take a bit of practice to get used to (for instance) making dinner when your partner just sits on the couch and zones out in front of a movie, even though that's not technically any different from making dinner yourself when your partner is out at a movie by themselves, it's hard to break the habit of trying to talk with them and getting a bit annoyed that they don't want to interact with you.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:21 PM on October 26, 2010
Response by poster: These are all really great suggestions, thank you. I think scheduling stuff in advance is a great idea so she knows what to expect from me. Usually I'd rather be at the gym in the evening and I was thinking of training for a marathon again so I'd have a set schedule of what I'd be needing to do outside of the house four/five days a week. I also think a personal fitness goal would have the added bonus of resolving my resentment about the weight I've gained in the past few months.
posted by shornco at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by shornco at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Make plans during the time you'd normally get dragged into cooking. Out of the house. Go to the gym or something.
posted by empath at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2010
posted by empath at 1:30 PM on October 26, 2010
What's non-negotiable in this situation? Can you possibly negotiate:
(a) number of 2 hour meals per week (really, every weeknight? sheesh)
(b) Do you HAVE to be in the kitchen with her cooking for all of these meals, or can you be at the kitchen table generally keeping her company while doing something else?
Does she ever seem to need alone time on her own?
You might want to just come up with something to do where you have built-in alone time. Come up with some hobby on Wednesday nights or something that she won't want to do and then you're out of the house doing that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:35 PM on October 26, 2010
(a) number of 2 hour meals per week (really, every weeknight? sheesh)
(b) Do you HAVE to be in the kitchen with her cooking for all of these meals, or can you be at the kitchen table generally keeping her company while doing something else?
Does she ever seem to need alone time on her own?
You might want to just come up with something to do where you have built-in alone time. Come up with some hobby on Wednesday nights or something that she won't want to do and then you're out of the house doing that.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:35 PM on October 26, 2010
This is a discussion I feel like I've had a lot in my relationship. Over time, I've realized a lot of the friction revolves around when each of us wants our alone/together moments, as opposed to a real disparity in need for alone time.
Mr. Deludingmyself's ideal evening pattern is:
Come home - 30-60 minutes alone time to unwind
Dinner - Together
Post-dinner - 2-3 hours together for bonding! Dr. Who! Jeopardy on the tivo!
Evening wind-down - 1-2 hours of alone computer time
Bed & such - please leave him alone, he's reading (up to an hour)
Wheras mine looks more like:
Come home - Talk to unwind unless there is Serious Cooking afoot.
Dinner - Together
Post-dinner - This is my preferred time to re-focus and knock out a few tasks for a few hours. Schoolwork, internet browsing, researching a thought I had earlier in the day... whatever.
Evening wind-down - Together! But save me 30 minutes to get ready for bed - it takes me a while.
Bed & such - Uh, why are you ignoring me for that book I know you've already read? Don't you know this is Designated Snuggle And Talk About The Day Time?
That's a lot of anecdote just to point out that your girlfriend may feel like she's giving you plenty of alone time - or possibly not even getting her own alone needs met - but it's just dinner itself that matters to her in a couple-y, bonding way. Or she may be smothering you. Hard to say. But consider talking more broadly about how you'd prefer to pattern your day, as opposed to just the dinner thing, and you just might save yourself the trouble of having the same issue pop up again, whack-a-mole style, like it has for us.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:37 PM on October 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
Mr. Deludingmyself's ideal evening pattern is:
Come home - 30-60 minutes alone time to unwind
Dinner - Together
Post-dinner - 2-3 hours together for bonding! Dr. Who! Jeopardy on the tivo!
Evening wind-down - 1-2 hours of alone computer time
Bed & such - please leave him alone, he's reading (up to an hour)
Wheras mine looks more like:
Come home - Talk to unwind unless there is Serious Cooking afoot.
Dinner - Together
Post-dinner - This is my preferred time to re-focus and knock out a few tasks for a few hours. Schoolwork, internet browsing, researching a thought I had earlier in the day... whatever.
Evening wind-down - Together! But save me 30 minutes to get ready for bed - it takes me a while.
Bed & such - Uh, why are you ignoring me for that book I know you've already read? Don't you know this is Designated Snuggle And Talk About The Day Time?
That's a lot of anecdote just to point out that your girlfriend may feel like she's giving you plenty of alone time - or possibly not even getting her own alone needs met - but it's just dinner itself that matters to her in a couple-y, bonding way. Or she may be smothering you. Hard to say. But consider talking more broadly about how you'd prefer to pattern your day, as opposed to just the dinner thing, and you just might save yourself the trouble of having the same issue pop up again, whack-a-mole style, like it has for us.
posted by deludingmyself at 1:37 PM on October 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
I usually state my preference of what I'd rather be doing and she claims that part of being in a relationship is spending time together and having shared goals.
Part of being a relationship is identifying and respecting each others needs as well as one's own.
Nobody gets what they want 100% of the time. It's nice that you're looking for practical solutions that work for both of you and that's certainly productive, but you still probably want to have a talk about 'things I want to do/things you want to do/things we both want to do/things we're stuck doing.'. Having a prescriptive idea of how a relationship always works seems like kind of a headache unless you both have the same idea, so your lives might be better if she gets a little more flexible on that point.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:41 PM on October 26, 2010
Part of being a relationship is identifying and respecting each others needs as well as one's own.
Nobody gets what they want 100% of the time. It's nice that you're looking for practical solutions that work for both of you and that's certainly productive, but you still probably want to have a talk about 'things I want to do/things you want to do/things we both want to do/things we're stuck doing.'. Having a prescriptive idea of how a relationship always works seems like kind of a headache unless you both have the same idea, so your lives might be better if she gets a little more flexible on that point.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 1:41 PM on October 26, 2010
she claims that part of being in a relationship is spending time together and having shared goals.
Well, yeah, this is true. But the key word is "part."
Honestly, you've phrased your question really well, and it's clear that you value your girlfriend, don't want to upset her, but also need your own time. How have you brought it up to your girlfriend? Have you told her, "I'd like to get the free time for myself I need, while at the same time making sure you are happy with the couple time that we do share" or "I love you and the time I spend with you, but I also love the time I don't spend with you?" I've trimmed it a little and changed the pronouns, but those are your exact words.
Or have you gotten into a pattern of forgetting about it when things are going well, grumpily acquiescing when she suggests something you don't like, and then letting that blow over?
Sometime soon, when both of you are in a decent mood and not rushed, talk to her about this. I would advise against putting in words like "frustration" and "resentment," but other than that say it like you said it here. Figure out how much couple time and individual time each of you needs - if neither of you knows what the other wants, you can't effectively compromise. And have the general conversation before you get into the specific scheduling, otherwise she may feel like you're trying to force a solution on her when she doesn't agree on what the problem is.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:47 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, yeah, this is true. But the key word is "part."
Honestly, you've phrased your question really well, and it's clear that you value your girlfriend, don't want to upset her, but also need your own time. How have you brought it up to your girlfriend? Have you told her, "I'd like to get the free time for myself I need, while at the same time making sure you are happy with the couple time that we do share" or "I love you and the time I spend with you, but I also love the time I don't spend with you?" I've trimmed it a little and changed the pronouns, but those are your exact words.
Or have you gotten into a pattern of forgetting about it when things are going well, grumpily acquiescing when she suggests something you don't like, and then letting that blow over?
Sometime soon, when both of you are in a decent mood and not rushed, talk to her about this. I would advise against putting in words like "frustration" and "resentment," but other than that say it like you said it here. Figure out how much couple time and individual time each of you needs - if neither of you knows what the other wants, you can't effectively compromise. And have the general conversation before you get into the specific scheduling, otherwise she may feel like you're trying to force a solution on her when she doesn't agree on what the problem is.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:47 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Frankly, I'm not clear on whether you're really wanting alone time/time to do your own hobbies, or just not wanting to spend two damn hours in the kitchen every single day after work. Does she work full-time? Are her working hours commensurate with yours? You indicate that non-cooking housework is divided equally, but what about working hours? I can't imagine anyone with a full time job wanting to spend two hours in the kitchen on a near-daily basis.
If you feel that you can't make your point about alone time/non-cooking time, what about doing some meal planning once a week (in an effort to save money/cut down on grocery trips/whatever), and pick simpler meals for the weekday nights? Weekly meal planning saves time, money, sanity, is healthier and winds up making it easier to bring leftovers for lunches. And means that you can schedule your meals around your life.
Also, +1 for one person cooks, one person cleans. That division of labor has served me well from childhood on.
However, two hours out of my evening is the majority of my work day's free time, and when I'm stuck in the kitchen while precious daylight hours disappear I start enjoying those great meals a lot less.
I think this line is very telling, and you might add "and I'm afraid I'll start resenting the person I'm cooking with" to get her to understand where you're coming from.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:05 PM on October 26, 2010
If you feel that you can't make your point about alone time/non-cooking time, what about doing some meal planning once a week (in an effort to save money/cut down on grocery trips/whatever), and pick simpler meals for the weekday nights? Weekly meal planning saves time, money, sanity, is healthier and winds up making it easier to bring leftovers for lunches. And means that you can schedule your meals around your life.
Also, +1 for one person cooks, one person cleans. That division of labor has served me well from childhood on.
However, two hours out of my evening is the majority of my work day's free time, and when I'm stuck in the kitchen while precious daylight hours disappear I start enjoying those great meals a lot less.
I think this line is very telling, and you might add "and I'm afraid I'll start resenting the person I'm cooking with" to get her to understand where you're coming from.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 2:05 PM on October 26, 2010
Ask her to read "Caring for your introvert."
posted by Carol Anne at 2:11 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by Carol Anne at 2:11 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
"Caring for your introvert" makes me want to get an "introvert" (his idea of one and not mine) and keep it in the basement and let it out a few times a day to do some housework.
I am embarrassed to be an INTP and fall into the same broad category as the article's author. I hope he gets to spend a lot of time alone so he doesn't annoy other people.
posted by meepmeow at 4:56 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
I am embarrassed to be an INTP and fall into the same broad category as the article's author. I hope he gets to spend a lot of time alone so he doesn't annoy other people.
posted by meepmeow at 4:56 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
« Older Suggestions for an equivalent of Google Groups? | GTD (time management)/Business/Life Coach Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
2) Pick up some easy, awesome recipes. Sometimes a platter of roasted vegetables, cheese and delicious flat breads can be as delicious as a five course meal and takes no time to prepare. I've got a handful of standby 5 minute recipes, because I insist on good food but don't always have time for it.
3) Book time in advance. If you need an hour a day to yourself, pick it now. Wake up an hour early, or pick an hour in the evening for it. (After dinner, before bed, whatever.) Let her know that's your time. Be consistent so that she knows what to expect there.
4) Get your own space. An office, a garage, whatever, where you can do your own thing without fear of casual interruptions. Set ground rules for that space. It's your space, not communal.
I hope that's some help, it's saved my sanity for sure.
posted by Stagger Lee at 12:30 PM on October 26, 2010