Friendship drama - the special snowflake kind
October 26, 2010 8:15 AM   Subscribe

Is this a friendship worth saving?

Hi y'all,

I seem to have been sucked into a kind of drama that I'd hoped to have put behind me after high school. M is a really old friend of mine. She is generally a well-meaning, kind, loving person. But, M is also high maintenance. She can be clingy and needy, and her feelings are hurt easily. She also likes to complain about how she is always single and how her friends always hurt her feelings, which, of course, makes her less pleasant to be around. A vicious cycle.

I'm currently swamped and overwhelmed with grad school applications, a demanding job, and trying to keep up other friendships and my LDR. I've unfortunately neglected my friends lately and been delinquent about returning phone calls, including M's. However, my friends are mostly understanding and supportive when I explain and apologize.

After some missed calls from her last week, I tried calling her last night and explained what had been going on. She was cold and rude and accused me of neglecting her in favor of my boyfriend.

Aside: The boy is someone she knows ... in fact, someone she once went on a date with. I was upfront with her about it when he asked me out, and she was very understanding. After all, they'd only been on one date and agreed not to have a second. Whereas this guy and I are really serious, and really in love. So I thought that all was ok on that front.

I tried again, explaining that this has nothing to do with my boyfriend, it's just my entire overwhelming life, but she made me feel bad for not returning her calls and for an insincere apology. She then hung up on me.

At first, it really upset me, especially because I really try to be a good friend and listener to all my friends and had spent last night catching up with friends. It isn't like her to be so especially cold. I wondered what was really bothering her to react so strongly - maybe some leftover resentment about the boy situation?

After it upset me, it really pissed me off. I spent last night expending emotional energy on this person and getting upset with her instead of taking care of my own needs. I'm tired of this whole game and I really really don't need this drama in my life right now.

TL;dr:
1) Am I a terrible selfish friend, or is she totally overreacting?
2) Is it worth trying to contact her one last time, to try to repair this friendship and figure out what is really upsetting her? Or should I just let it go? We share great memories, but being friends with her has been really difficult lately, and it's taking too much out of me.

Thanks Metafilter, as always. :)
posted by bookgirl18 to Human Relations (23 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
 
Is she enmeshed in other social circles with you? There is something to be said for sticking around for years, but yea... hopefully, she will grow up one day and realise that she isn't the only person in anybody's life but her own. Is this behaviour a recent change for her?
posted by kellyblah at 8:26 AM on October 26, 2010


I think it's important to keep in mind that you teach people how to treat you. The more you feed into her neediness and respond to her tantrums, the more she'll continue to treat you that way. I say drop her, let her come to you. Sounds like she needs some time alone to figure out that everyone around her is growing up and getting busy and isn't going to stand for her childishness.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:28 AM on October 26, 2010 [11 favorites]


DO NOT reward childish hanging-up-on-someone behavior by calling her back. When she inevitably comes whining back around, explain that you figured that her hanging up on you meant she did not want to discuss the matter further and that you had been giving her time to cool off. And then you can remind her (again) that you are too roaring busy to deal with problems like this right now, no matter how important to you she may be.

She will be hurt by the fact that she's somehow not able to elicit the knee-jerk emotional reaction from you that means you can't live without her. It may end the friendship. But if she was a better, more confident, and more realistic friend, none of this would have come up in the first place.
posted by hermitosis at 8:29 AM on October 26, 2010 [9 favorites]


She then hung up on me.

You did nothing wrong, she did, if there is any contacting and trying to repair to be done it should be done by her. Friendships end, particularly when one party has unreasonable expectations of them. Let her contact you if she wants to apologize for trying to shame you for having your own life.
posted by nanojath at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2010


She was cold and rude and accused me of neglecting her in favor of my boyfriend.

My understanding is that this is actually how things should work. That is, when things get tough there is some sort of hierarchy of who gets your temporarily-limited time. If she does not or can not understand this it is her problem not yours. I wouldn't even bother to call again, patch things up or manage her expectations, just treat her like you treat the rest of your fiends [if you feel that the friendship with her is worth it in other ways, it's unclear if you do] and when she starts in on the guilt-tripping just have some sort of flat "I'm sorry that you feel that way" response.

I tried again, explaining that this has nothing to do with my boyfriend

At some level it's a weird move to accuse someone who is stressed and overworked of "choosing" their boyfriend over them. Not like you should blow off your friends for a partner all the time, but sometimes you do have to choose. And a loving partner also returns comfort and stability TO you, not takes it away. You should not apologize or make false comparisons.

So I'd let it go. She's not being a good friend. Whether you want to continue pursuing a friendship with her in the future is up to you, but she sounds like a bad relationship.

tl;dr dramatic friend continues to be dramatic. You don't desire drama.
posted by jessamyn at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


1) No.
2) You've asked what is really upsetting her. If it's your boyfriend, and she won't admit it, then that is unfortunate, but I hope you wouldn't give him up for her. And if she were your friend, she wouldn't want you to.
Give this a couple of years. Seriously. In the meantime, live your life--you'll find it easier to do without this.
posted by uans at 8:31 AM on October 26, 2010


Hermitosis is entirely right. Don't reward a tantrum.

It's one thing to have strong ties and loyalty to your friends, but this person sounds like throwing hissy baby fits is sort of their stock in trade. You didn't need that before you were so busy and you don't need it now, either.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:32 AM on October 26, 2010


Opt out of the drama. Not all friendships have to be like romantic relationships. You don't have to justify your actions to her, you don't need to fight it out. If you like her, invite her to casual stuff, don't cut her off, but don't let her draw you into that drama.

Friend: But you were neglecting me in favor of boyfriend.

You: I'm asking you to go out now.

F: But I'm still upset about boyfriend

Y: I'm not interested in getting into any more drama. Do you want to go to the Fancy Bar or not?
posted by advicepig at 8:38 AM on October 26, 2010 [3 favorites]


I was best friends with a girl I had known since I was 7. We went to school together and she even lived with my family for a few years in high school. But as we got older, we wanted different things out of life and didn't have a lot in common. She was jealous of my relationship with my then boyfriend/now husband. Trust me, it is not worth the drama of saving a friendship that has nowhere to grow. It is not worth the stress of babysitting someone into being your friend.

People sometimes grow apart as they grow older. Its okay to admit that maybe it is time to distance yourselves a little. See how things go. See where life takes you. Maybe she will be ready to reconnect later when she has had more life experiences and a wider circle of friends.

Now my friend and I can be around each other without fighting and be okay with where each other ended up. A few years ago, that never would have happened. And I am so glad I made the decision to move on. It freed me up to become the person I wanted to be.
posted by halseyaa at 8:40 AM on October 26, 2010 [2 favorites]


She hung up on you. You reached out with good intentions and a contrite attitude. The ball's in her court now. If she doesn't come back, then mourn appropriately for a lost friendship, keep the good times in your memories, and move on with your life.
posted by like_neon at 8:44 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


This reminds me of a recent This American Life I heard about "Freenemies".

I wouldn't say you are selfish.
posted by DetonatedManiac at 9:01 AM on October 26, 2010


I had a friend like this. She was warm and welcoming in the early part of our friendship, including inviting me to her parents' home for holiday events at a time when I didn't know many people. But as my social circle expanded, and I dated more, she got more and more demanding, then sulky if I wasn't instantly responsive. She, too, had no empathy for how overwhelmingly busy life can get.

Frankly, it isn't worth it to be friends with someone who insists on constant attention and can't be supportive when the noise level in your life gets loud. It ends up being an emotional and time drain.

If you play into her tactics, the demands will increase, not die away. I'd leave it to her to make the next contact, and let her know that although you have valued your friendship very much, you aren't up for being treated with that kind of discourtesy.
posted by bearwife at 9:16 AM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


I was just in a similar situation. My newly busy schedule (thanks, grad school!) has left little time for my friends; I text and email them regularly, but it's not often that I can schedule time with them for hangouts or long discussions, especially because I like to spend the free time I do have with my boyfriend. I figure that this stage will only last another year or so, and I've made sure that I'm still available to my close friends if they're in crisis mode and need me.

Recently, one of my friends (one much like your clingy, always-single friend) started making noise about how I was ignoring her and didn't consider her important. I tried to (gently) explain to her that I simply needed to work and couldn't spend yet more time at a bar with her analyzing the reasons she's unattached, but that we were still friends and that my feelings of closeness to her hadn't changed. She then threw a hissy fit when she found out I'd taken time off from writing a midterm to catch up with a friend who was visiting from Vietnam for a week and whom I hadn't seen in two years instead of immediately calling her to say, "I have time to go to a bar to talk about you some more!" I suddenly realized, "Screw it. This girl is so needy that it's clear she likes the attention I give her much more than she actually likes and cares about me." And I felt free to just . . . drop her. And it's been awesome. Now my grad school life is free from at least one unnecessary stressor. There are times when I miss the friendship, but I'd rather not spend my adulthood apologizing for being an adult and having responsibility rather than acting as a mirror to a friend who needs constant reflection and affirmation.
posted by pineappleheart at 9:23 AM on October 26, 2010 [4 favorites]


This is a terrible situation and you have my sympathies. I think it's easy to say "oh just dump her, who needs the drama?" and maybe that is the best course of action, but it's painfully difficult to stop interacting with someone who may be a genuinely fun, nice person and with whom you have been friends for years.

But, her behavior has been childish and unacceptable. So this is what I think you should do:

You made a good faith effort to repair the rift. She hung up on you. Problem. That's immature and not helpful. Give her some time and space, you have done all you could.

I think there's a temptation when things like this happen to 'get back at' the person who wronged you because that's only fair. But what is your end goal here? If this were me, I would think that my end goal would be something like "mend the problems between us while at the same time communicating that her juvenile behavior will not be tolerated". If you like her as a person I think there is a way to salvage your relationship.

First, if she gets back to you in a few days and is contrite, accept her apology but tell her that you did not like her hanging up on you and reiterate the demands on your time. Tell her exactly what you said here - you want to be friends but there are points where you are busy with work, and you don't want to have to worry about her freaking out if you aren't available.

If she doesn't contact you, I might send her an email or something in a few weeks that says something like "M, it seems like you are ending our friendship and that makes me sad. I like you as a person but I cannot deal with your reaction when I am not able to get back to you in time. I hope we can work through this". If she doesn't respond, or gets defensive and fighty, just sigh and let it go for awhile. Maybe in a few years she'll grow up.
posted by amicamentis at 9:31 AM on October 26, 2010


Friendships are a two-way street. Some friends like more frequent contact with the people close to them, others are naturally more ok with distance. It's important to know who those people are in your friend group, if you care about keeping a connection with them. I have periods of time when I fall off the face of the earth too, but one of my friends tends to be a bit more sensitive and doesn't have as much going on in her life, so if it's been awhile since we've talked I'll send her a quick text that says "Hi I miss you! Hope everything's good. I've been super busy. Let's please hang next weekend/next month/whenever things calm down." We've never had a fight. Some people like to feel like their friends still give a shit, even when things get busy, and taking one minute to text them just to say you're thinking of them is a great way to avoid overly-contrite conversations and guilt-tripping and general drama. If you're friends with someone for a long time, you generally know whether or not they are this kind of person.

That said, she flew off the handle. Her response was totally inappropriate. She may be going through something in her own life and she's felt alone. She might just be an immature, demanding baby. A good friend would not have accused you of ditching her for your boyfriend. A good friend would've asked you how you're doing with all your new stress, if you need help, if you wanna get a drink and unwind one night.

No one can tell you whether or not you should end your friendship. You need to decide whether or not it's worth it. It sounds like it may not be.
posted by blackcatcuriouser at 9:32 AM on October 26, 2010


Real friends don't have attention requirements or set intervals at which they require contact. Real friends can meet years later, with not having said a word between, and have a fun time catching up.

I think an epidemic of needy lonely people has made everyone more careful and less likely to form good friendships though. It is easier to keep your distance than pry people off when they act nuts.
posted by meepmeow at 9:59 AM on October 26, 2010 [5 favorites]


Overreacting. She does not seem to understand that our priorities are first and foremost to ourselves, and that part of being a friend is understanding when other people have to focus on themselves. You reached out to explain and apologize for being distant, which is actually more than a lot of people would do in your situation, and she chose to make it some kind of affront.

Were I in your position, I'd take comfort in knowing I'd said my peace, and I'd keep living my life the way I usually do -- and If this friend came back, fine, and if they apologized, even better, but otherwise I wouldn't really give it another moment's thought.

Incidentally, a good rule to consider in life: if you spend a lot of time complaining about how other people "always" do some specific negative thing to you, you're probably either the root cause, or you're misinterpreting. In her case, the reason her friends "always" hurt her feelings is that she seems to interpret normal behavior that has nothing to do with her as some kind of intentional behavior designed explicitly to hurt her. In almost 40 years, I have yet to meet a person who made things about themselves like this who eventually reformed; typically everyone else just moves on, and they go find other friends to burn out.
posted by davejay at 11:21 AM on October 26, 2010


In her case, the reason her friends "always" hurt her feelings is that she seems to interpret normal behavior that has nothing to do with her as some kind of intentional behavior designed explicitly to hurt her.

This. I used to have a friend just like this. She was constantly talking about how all her friends eventually abandoned her, how she went to visit places she used to live and nobody called her, how old friends came to town for work and didn't call her, etc. Eventually, it started to seem like she really just had a run of bad luck with people. Then, one day, she sent me and three friends a really hostile, angry email over an incredibly minor slight. It all became clear.

I haven't spoken to her since. Not because I'm so angry that I'm giving her the silent treatment or making some conscious effort to cut her out of my life. But because I have a policy: if a friend either hangs up on me or sends me an angry email, and he or she is a low-to-mid level friend (you know, I'd go to their birthday but wouldn't ask them for help moving or for a ride to the airport), I don't respond. Not, again, out of any particular anger, but because I expect my friends to communicate with me like adults, and not throw temper tantrums. If they want to reach out to me after and talk to me like a person, then I'm prepared to pretend that nothing ever happened - one friend has done this, and we remain on great terms. But if not, then, well, I have other friends, friends who don't waste my time with stressful drama. Relationships, everyone is always telling you, take work. Friendships shouldn't. To this day I have not regretted the loss of either of the two friendships this policy has cost me. YMMV, of course.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:22 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


I have some sympathy for your friend-- I can be a clingy, needy person myself, and my feelings are also easily hurt. I haven't seen anyone speak from that perspective so far, so I will try. To answer your questions, from my needy, clingy perspective:

1) I don't think you're being a selfish friend, and I think that of course your boyfriend should be a top priority for you. I wouldn't call your friend's behavior an OVERreaction, so much as HER reaction, from her perspective on the world. It's a more intense reaction than your other friends had because she's in a needier, more sensitive place.

2) From what you've written, I think it's worth speaking to her about your friendship. I don't think you're obligated to contact her first. But when you do speak with her, I would frame it in terms of letting her know what she can expect from you right now.

You say it's unusual for her to be so cold. It sounds like this time crunch is a recent change for you, and if she called you several times in the last week without getting a response, she's probably accustomed to you being more available. So this is new for her, too. You should let her know that you have less time for her right now, and that you won't always be able to answer promptly, which it sounds like you've done.

As you saw, she's hurt and angry. I'd bet that your other friends are understanding and supportive because they have other people to turn to for their social needs. But a clingy, needy person often doesn't have other people, so it's a really big deal to lose someone. (For example, I have lots of people I could call, but I assume most of them will be busy or not want to talk about my problems, so I don't try because it hurts to imagine them saying no. I often have just one or two people I feel comfortable approaching, and if one of those people suddenly stops answering messages for a week, then I might not have any social contact that week! And I might be desperate and upset when they finally do get back to me.)

It's possible she has leftover feelings for your boyfriend, but I think it's more likely she's desperate for the attention you were giving her, and he's just a convenient target for her anger.

If I were your friend, it would help me to know roughly how much time you can make for me, and that you might not be able to respond for several days, and whether this is to be an ongoing situation. She might continue to be upset for a while as she adjusts to your reduced availability, and this friendship might not ever be the same for her, but I think it's kindest to make clear to her what the new reality is. While you spent one evening wasting your emotional energy on this, she probably spent much of the last week feeling hurt and angry toward you. That's NOT your responsibility at all, but might help for you to consider. If she knows you're not as available from now on, it will help her to waste less time being upset with you and waiting for you to call back.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 12:43 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


Uh, if this is what happens when you call her to catch up and apologize, then… don't call her.

I dunno, there may be a different set of gendered assumptions going on here, but if I called one of my pals to be like, "Dude, sorry I haven't gotten back to you lately," and they gave me a massive guilt trip, it'd be like, fuck that.

I mean, I stopped calling a high school pal because all he seemed to want to do was bitch about grad school and complain about other high school friends. Fuck if I need that, man.
posted by klangklangston at 2:20 PM on October 26, 2010


Get yourself out of this relationship now, not in a big dramatic way, but by just not bothering to contact her again, and be polite but cool if she contacts you. My guess is she will not call to apologize.

I wasted years with a "friend" like this. After a while I realized she kept score of everything she did for family and friends, and expected payback, when she wanted it no matter what was going on in the other person's life. It may take a while, I tried to get out several times but she kept coming back with pleas and tacky gifts that just made me feel bad. I finally had to tell her in no uncertain terms to leave me alone. A big red flag with people like this is they never see where they contributed to the end of the relationship. It is always the other person's fault, whether it be parent, child, friend or spouse.

Resenting that you have a boyfriend is a bad sign as well, especially one she can imagine you "took" from her. When my ex-friend got divorced, she really tried to get me to do the same, playing up "all men are beasts" and "you are co-dependent" to live with anything less than perfection. PS, she has remained single for many years and mistreated the one boyfriend she did have after the divorce. She once told me how jealous she was that I had a husband to pick me up at the airport after a business trip and she did not, but her divorce was all her idea. People like that are impossible and only get worse with time.
posted by mermayd at 3:01 PM on October 26, 2010 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Many thanks, as always, you guys. It helps to hear that I'm not totally totally insane. (Well, at least, not for this reason. :p)
And thanks, Dixon Ticonderoga, for your perspective. I've definitely been needy and clingy myself too, which is why I felt upset to begin with.
M was a super duper close friend in college, but doesn't live in the same city I do, so our contact hasn't been all that regular lately anyway, and we rarely get to see each other in person. We do have a lot of friends in common, though, and I'd hate to actually have such a stupid dramatic ending to a friendship that's gone on for years.

I'll give it time and see whether she tries to reach out to me again or not. I may try one last time ... we'll see.

Thanks again. :)
posted by bookgirl18 at 3:16 PM on October 26, 2010


Automatically I drop friends who start making my unavailability about them. It has nothing to do with them! People make things about them because they want more attention. Sometimes it's really hard for people to really understand how busy you are, or what you do in your free time, or how available you really are or not.

You don't call for a week and they just think about the WHOLE 7 DAYS YOU DIDN'T BOTHER TO THINK OF THEM, and they don't think about you getting up at 5 am, going to sleep at 10, and all of the myriad of responsiblities you have to do between those hours...

Also, there are mature ways to handle misunderstandings and hurt feelings. She could have been normal, and at a certain point in the converstion said "You know, I'm really glad you called, I really miss talking with you and sometimes I feel like you're too busy for me... " Wouldn't that have a nicer way to let you know how she was feeling?
posted by Locochona at 4:10 AM on October 27, 2010


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