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Love/Success: never the twain shall meet?
October 22, 2010 10:35 PM   Subscribe

If you are a physically very attractive woman how did you meet the man you married?

Disclaimer: let's describe physically attractive as simply meaning you've always had a lot of attention from men (more than your friends).

I'm a man in my early 30s and would like to meet someone in their mid 20s to marry and have children with. If this describes you, how did it happen for you and your husband (or if you're the man, how did you meet the true woman of your dreams) ?

Some details: I have a good career, am a musician on the side but don't depend on it for income, am relatively attractive, not in debt except for my mortgage, am physically fit, used to be very wild in my 20s but now am conservative and very responsible.

It may be asking too much but please give specifics about whether you were with someone at the time, where you first met them, what instigated the first conversation etc.

To explain: when I was in my 20s, I was completely reckless without regard to the future and had a huge selection of women; now that I'm extremely responsible this well has seemed to run dry. Should I join my local compost committee? What's a bad man turned good to do? Turn bad again? God forbid!
posted by fantasticninety to Human Relations (72 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
You're probably in for a lot of snark, and your question kind of rubs me the wrong way too, but here's a genuine response.

You seem to now want to be filling a niche with an ideal. A "very physically attractive", younger woman to marry you and have your babies. It only really matters that your partner is attractive to you, unless you're looking for a trophy. (Which it sounds like you are, at least partially, And that's also fine, because there are women who are okay with that). But people don't just fit into holes like jigsaw puzzle pieces so easily most of the time.

The way people meet each other can range from OK Cupid to attending groups you're interested to on Meetup.com, attending museums, speed dating, and more.

Since you seem like you're looking toward settling down, online dating might be for you. Indicate that on your profile and you may catch some eyes.

The key is not to wait for the ideal to fall into your lap. And you never know, maybe the woman who wasn't the most physically attractive to you will turn out to be the most attractive overall.
posted by cmgonzalez at 10:54 PM on October 22, 2010 [3 favorites]


The "physically very attractive" thing is a little put-offish, but whatever. I met my husband in grad school. And I bet a lot of people meet their future spouses in college, because you spend a lot of time together and have something in common automatically. Maybe consider taking some classes, even if it's a non degree-seeking?
posted by mudlark at 10:57 PM on October 22, 2010


The well has run dry because you value looks and other shallow characteristics over genuine connection, and - from the limited perspective of this question - you seem quite self-obsessed with the kind of person you are and what the kind of person deserves.

The world doesn't have different rules for attractive people. They function just like the rest of us. If you want to find someone attractive, I suggest being more attractive yourself. I'm a man, but if I was a woman, and I picked up any of the attitudes from you that this question evinces, I would run like hounds of hell were yapping at my heels. People want to be with people who value them, for them; not because they're good looking or fit into your life schedule.
posted by smoke at 11:01 PM on October 22, 2010 [93 favorites]


I've noticed that a lot of very attractive women tend to pair up with extremely wealthy men. So if you want to meet and wed someone who is a "trophy" physically and happy to simply fulfill that role, then get a job that makes you rich and hang out where fellow rich folks hang out. If I was supposed to primarily be a physically attractive childbearer in a relationship, then I personally would choose to marry for great wealth. That would mean I might actually have dalliances on the side, since great love wouldn't be part of the equation, no matter how much the rich guy worshipped me. I'd have married him for money. And if a richer guy came into the picture who I was attracted to, I'd possibly consider moving on to him because real love would have been based on loyalty and friendship and compassion, and marrying someone for how they look is a little too superficial to bet your happiness on.

If I was desperate to have children and a family and married someone middle class (like a teacher) even though he only liked me for my looks or even if we were in love, I'd be attractive enough to get the attention of men who could offer me a better, more luxurious lifestyle, so, rationally, I'd trade up.

So be careful that someone might treat you as you treat them in this question. Not all women are satisfied with any kind of provider and the chance to have children and a family with anybody who wants them, especially as a trophy. Most extremely attractive women know they're extremely attractive, and unless she falls in love with you and doesn't fall out of love with you, there's a chance she'll trade up. So beware.
posted by anniecat at 11:24 PM on October 22, 2010 [15 favorites]


I'm going to try not to snark and just answer your question: I have been told I fit your criteria. And I met my beau on OKCupid. But not right away, it took me about four years of weekendly dates with other dudes off that website before I just found the right person. We find each other very physically attractive, yes. But the better part is the compatibility of our personalities - we make each other laugh and we "get" each other like nobody else does.
posted by SkylitDrawl at 11:28 PM on October 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


So, you're asking a 'how do I meet women' question with the caveat that she must be hot?

There are many beaufitul women who - surprise- behave like other women, and meet men in the same way that other women do: at work, at university, at clubs or classes, etc. Generally, it doesn't matter who initiates the conversation (though if you do, you've at least given yourself an opportunity to have a conversation with someone). If you want to meet a (beautiful) woman, then do the things everyone else does when they want to find a woman - go out, meet people, internet dating if you want, etc.

I suppose there would be the group of women that anniecat referred to - those who are seeking someone wealthy to pamper them. I suspect this group is far smaller than the wider pool of women out there, and I suspect they are less likely to make wonderful long-term partners.

What is it that makes you think attractive women behave in entirely different ways to every other woman?
posted by twirlypen at 11:46 PM on October 22, 2010 [1 favorite]


Here is Lorelei Lee in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, anticipating anniecat above:

"A man being rich is like a girl being pretty."

If that seems off-putting, well...it is.
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 12:02 AM on October 23, 2010 [5 favorites]


The OP is looking for a trophy wife.

Answering that question: To get a trophy wife, be rich, powerful and have an amazing career. Young and very physically attractive women will follow.
posted by moiraine at 12:31 AM on October 23, 2010 [4 favorites]


You will need to set your sights a few steps down IQ-wise. I mean it; with this mindset, trade-offs will be required. You will need to look at girls who would not be able to properly answer an Ask MetaFilter question. The smart and hot will see right through what's going on here and flee. You don't want "compost committees." Gyms, maybe. MySpace.
posted by kmennie at 4:38 AM on October 23, 2010 [6 favorites]


Huh. I have to step in and letbyou know that this 'trophy wife' business is in the eye of the beholder. I'm 29 now, so a bit past your mid 20s mark, but whatever.

Since my late teens I have been concurrently referred to as 'hot' and 'emaciated' my body is all natural, but strangers very often behave as though they have been invited to ask where I've 'had my work (boobs especially) done'

When I go on dates to formal functions, some jack ass is likely to pull my fellow (or friend, as the case was last weekend, at a ball, where I knew people already) and say something crude. Oh wait, some guys say crude things about a woman in every social conversation, looks notwithstanding.

If I can keep a 'soft' look on my face, I'm considered stunning, but the problem is, I'm not a soft person. I laugh with my whole body, and I laugh often. The joy of my own laugh seriously brings me to bend in half at the waist.

I make fart jokes and openly complain about shaving on this website right here.

So, your question has, frankly, dampened my hopes of finding a suitable partner. I hope I've been able to disabuse you of a notion or two along the way: most importantly, you are not going to find a wife that everyone finds hot. And, even if her physical body is off the charts, you still need to like and respect each other's persons if a long term relationship is going to work.

So, for finding a wife who is 'hot' to you, go on lots of dates. Get to know lots of people. Spread the word that you'd like to be introduced to ladies who are interested in settling down. (or serious about settling down, but be aware of the subtle differences in those wordings). And give the women you meet a chance. A real chance. Get past the dye bottle or the brow job and get into the conversation or the exploration of your common space.

unless you're looking for a temporary, 'starter' wife to have children with and divorce. If that is what you're looking for, be honest about her qualifications and the job description, and offer a very good pre-nup.
posted by bilabial at 4:44 AM on October 23, 2010 [5 favorites]



To explain: when I was in my 20s, I was completely reckless without regard to the future and had a huge selection of women; now that I'm extremely responsible this well has seemed to run dry.


Is also partly that you're not in your 20s anymore? I'm always shocked by the men in their 30s, 40s, and even 50s who don't understand why they're not getting the same response from women in the their early 20s that they were getting.....when they were still in their 20s. Especially if you don't have any special reserves of talent, charm, wealth, etc. to offer.
posted by availablelight at 5:29 AM on October 23, 2010 [40 favorites]


If you are looking for a woman who is conservative, you will find her....in church.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:50 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


IMO, you're setting yourself up to marry someone with possibly very low-self esteem here, if the only reason you're interested in being with them is for their looks and/or their baby making capabilities. Why would any smart interesting AND beautiful woman chose to be with you just because you aren't in debt and have a job and because you want to get her pregnant? I am so confused. I know lots of women, some of them on the stunning end of beauty, and they would all be completely turned off by this question.
posted by Rocket26 at 6:16 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


What's a bad man turned good to do?

Honey, I got news for ya - you're giving yourself too much credit. You're not a "bad boy turned good" - you're a bad boy who got old & boring.

What are you bringing to the table? Who do you want to impress by landing a trophy wife? Your friends? Family? Coworkers/business associates? What if, by some bizarre chance, you do land a gorgeous woman and it turns out she's unable to have children? What then?

In short, I think you need to do a lot more soul-searching before moving forward in your pursuit of a trophy wife. Perhaps a matchmaking service like It's Just Lunch is what you need; or perhaps a reality check.
posted by pecanpies at 6:17 AM on October 23, 2010 [7 favorites]


Thanks for the different responses.

Anniecat: your point about trading up is most valid and I hadn't considered it. Thank you.

Smoke: I live by the credence of being very considerate and warm towards others and this has always been reciprocated in kind. When I've lived elsewhere or been on vacation and had ample free time, I've met many women that I found very attractive and the feeling was mutual. But my circumstances have changed and I was hoping to find what social activities these same kinds of women tend to gravitate towards as they get older and are more mature. You are right that because I did put a lot of work into rebuilding myself I have unconsciously included a "deserve" part into my dating mind. Thanks for drawing that to my attention. However, I sincerely feel you are mistaken about the world not having different rules for attractive people.

St. Alia: I will consider this.

Rocket26: obviously those aren't the only reasons to be with someone, but they are the reasons I chose to be specific about in this question.

Pecanpies: you could be very right about "old and boring". However, I'm not trying to impress anyone. Let's say I did meet a beautiful woman and we couldn't have children, well then we would cross that bridge when we came to it obviously!
posted by fantasticninety at 6:39 AM on October 23, 2010


If you're looking for a beautiful young woman in her 20s to marry and have children, you'd probably do well on one of those Russian or Thai bride dating sites. From your previous questions, unless you win the lottery, you're unlikely to become a millioniare, and so the chances of attracting an American trophy wife are slim. The odds on an 8th-grade schoolteacher finding a gorgeous younger woman who's looking for marriage and children will therefore be increased by looking in a market where you are the one with the economic power and she's the one with the looks, and you can afford to buy at her price.

Donald Trump's current wife was once asked "Do you think you'd have married him if he didn't have money?" She replied "Do you think he'd have married me if I wasn't beauitful?"
posted by essexjan at 6:46 AM on October 23, 2010 [9 favorites]


If we're looking at this as a transaction, I just don't see anything in your resume that makes you a particularly attractive prospect:

"I have a good career, am a musician on the side but don't depend on it for income, am relatively attractive, not in debt except for my mortgage, am physically fit, used to be very wild in my 20s but now am conservative and very responsible."

Okay? So does everybody else I know, except they may have great careers, or be showing at a local gallery, or run marathons ... and let's face it, with decent skin care and widely-available orthodonture, "relatively attractive" is a fairly low bar for men in their 20s and 30s. On "superficial" factors you're not making a particularly strong showing, nothing that would induce a woman with many choices to choose your offering. And you haven't given any evidence beyond the superficial that there's something worth sticking around for.

As a woman, PARTICULARLY one expected to be a baby factory, I would be very, very hesitant to go out with a man whose primary criterion was physical attractiveness, since after you have that first baby, ain't nothin' going back to where it was before. Yes, physical attraction is important in relationships, whether objective or subjective, but bodies change and age and it's a very poor basis for a marital relationship.

Also, the reason you got lots of play in your 20s? Guess what, women like men in their 20s perhaps as much as men like women in their 20s. You've aged out of that key demographic yet are still seeking women in it, who are in everyone else's key demographic.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:48 AM on October 23, 2010 [7 favorites]


Comment: I say we give the guy a break and assume that maybe he just wants to know how to get a pretty girl to talk to him now that he's older and not a party boy. Maybe he's not as shallow as this question makes him sound.

Answer: When I was hot (and also very smart btw; why do people still assume you can't be both?) and in my 20s in college I met a guy 5 years older than me at a picnic. He had an absolutely adorable puppy with him. Admiring the puppy broke the ice and make it easy for us to start talking. The only reason we had a second conversation was that he was a fantastic and very interesting person who adored his family and braked for mice. Still married 20+ years later.

So my advice: sign up for a class at a college, get a puppy, take it to the college picnic, and be a really great guy.
posted by evilmomlady at 6:49 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


Thanks evilmomlady.

There seems to be a fair amount of noise with these answers that isn't directly related to my question. People are attracted to people for many reasons. I've had lots of women flat out reject me because I wasn't tall enough. There's nothing I can change about my height - zilch. But people can definitely comb their hair and wear nicer clothes to be more attractive.

Eyebrows McGee; I really think you're mistaken about me meeting more people when I was in my 20s because I was younger. But I did agree with another poster that perhaps I've become more boring and I'll look into that. Being a teacher is a great career by the way, and I've never met a woman who wasn't interested in talking about education. But besides, that really wasn't part of my question was it?

I was simply asking women who always found that the world turned around them somewhat, how they met the man of their dreams. For anyone reading this for their own info, your best bets are puppies, church, graduate courses and moolah.
posted by fantasticninety at 7:04 AM on October 23, 2010


At least in my experience, very few of my mid-20s peers are looking for someone to marry and settle down with, at least right now. The people I know who are getting married now have been in those relationships for 5+ years already, wanted to do that as soon as possible after high school, or are Mormon. The baby/marriage panic hasn't hit many of us yet. For these reasons, for most of my peers, someone presenting themselves as a husband/baby daddy candidate would be a big turn off. For many of us, we might consider those things if we found the right person. It feels a little like putting the cart before the horse (to a 24-year-old, anyway) to consider the partner to be secondary to the marriage and babies.

The relationships I've been on that have been based on attractiveness have been some of the most insecure I've ever been in. If I got fat, or was disfigured in an accident, or aged 10 years for chrissakes, I couldn't count on their affections anymore.

All that aside, I have dated several people who are similar to your description, and I met them on Match.com. None of these relationships lasted more than a couple of weeks, because they have without fail been matches based primarily on attractiveness (as dating websites seem to set relationships up to be). Also, marginally attractive women on dating websites get a LOT of attention, so be prepared to compete.
posted by emilyd22222 at 7:15 AM on October 23, 2010


I think Eyebrows McGee is dead on. As a woman in my mid-20s, who gets hit on a fair amount by men in their 30s (I'm 25, but look younger and fit into the "cute" category, not the "super beautiful category, but still) I think I'm probably a good person to give my opinion on this. A lot of guys in their 30s who hit on me seem to only want to offer me the fact that they're older than me and have a job and stuff. Well, guess what, there are guys in their 20s with jobs that have more in common with me due to our same age, and who treat me as an equal, not someone younger and less knowledgable about life than them. Also, I get a really strong impression from a lot of these dudes in their 30s that they're hardcore wife-hunting, and it kinda skeeves me out. Guys my age are more likely to treat me with respect, as a peer on the same page of life. Plus, I'm in professional school, so I'm not hunting for a husband to take care of me and our kids. I plan on doing fine myself.

Also, lots of beautiful girls in their 20s have boyfriends. This makes perfect sense.

Note: not all girls are like me and my friends. Some girls in their 20s are looking for a stable dude to date. However, if you want to land a "very attractive" woman in her 20s, you'd better be very attractive yourself, or rich. Not just like, middle class, but a rich dude who can buy the girl fancy shit. Either that or you need to be some great, altruistic, caring man with a great personality, but if you fell into that category, you'd probably be looking for someone based on different characteristics than what you listed here. I honestly don't understand why so many men think they are entitled to date younger women who are better looking than them. As if that's what being a man with a job should get you. It's insulting to women.
posted by elpea at 7:16 AM on October 23, 2010 [52 favorites]


Evilmomlady, it's not that people are saying women can't be both attractive and smart...it's that the ones who are both of those things are not going to be interested in what this man is proposing.

OP, I'm an average looking female but have some very nice looking friends and they have all had *much* more difficulty settling down with nice guys. They are like asshole magnets, it seems. Three of them finally met their current long-term partners through online dating which was better than the club/bars because you have more time to get to know someone in person.

Really, the whole question is bizarre....who's going to come on here asking where to find all those *unattractive* ladies?
posted by Pomo at 7:17 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


* Meaning to say more time to get to know someone BEFORE meeting them in person.
posted by Pomo at 7:21 AM on October 23, 2010


You may consider not mentioning that you're a musician on the side but don't depend on it for income. She may have heard that line before.
posted by Namlit at 7:22 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


My advice stands: get out into the world. Meet people, let them know you're ready to marry and ask if they might know any suitable women.

Attractive women aren't chained to the stationary bike at a particular gym, or perpetually haunting the buffet at a Certain Sunday Brunch.

We move around, and so your best bet is to get out there and be engaged in the types of activities you would enjoy doing with a partner. She's probably already out there doing those activities.

I mean really, it's not like adults actually have parties where only ugly girls are invited. And pretty women are not programmed to enjoy different pastimes, or cuisines, or jokes.

We're people. And I think that's what's got my panties in a twist about your question. That, and the false premise that there is a solid universal metric for hotness (which as others have mentioned would quite possibly be obliterated during gestation #1).
posted by bilabial at 7:24 AM on October 23, 2010


In re. "different rules for attractive people" -- this is perhaps partially true for a certain lo-klass subset, but I don't think you'll find this to be a workable maxim for life with people whose teevees are usually turned off.

Now I'm scratching my head -- do you want somebody who has simply combed her hair and taken care with her wardrobe and through these efforts has become attractive? Or must this person be a total stunner, not an average sort who has pleasingly polished herself?

You seem to want a lot more than you are offering, and all the puppies and churches in the world are not going to help with that fiddle. You want young and gorgeous; you're offering a personality that causes most of the women on MetaFilter to flinch, plus short stature. Are we missing something? As I am reading it, this proposition -- schoolteacher with dubious values ISO smoking twentysomething to have babies with -- is just not going to work. You are having trouble finding out where to meet women who fit your criteria because there aren't women who fit your criteria.
posted by kmennie at 7:33 AM on October 23, 2010 [4 favorites]


. . . had a huge selection of women; now that I'm extremely responsible this well has seemed to run dry.

You don't seem to have referred to women as anything other than a commodity, like water or grain in a silo, and individual woman as units of that commodity.

If you want a woman with enough character and intelligence to make a decent spouse to anyone, you need to work on that. Because we notice these things, and we know.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:55 AM on October 23, 2010 [11 favorites]


Here's my last attempt to steer this back on course:

- I've never had a problem dating attractive women so all comments about what I'm bringing to the table are pretty much irrelevant; but yes because I take my career seriously and don't go out very much it's been much harder meeting women now. Hence why I was asking what types of activities attractive women who were interested in meeting someone for something serious tended to start doing and successfully found someone that way. I was in Paris on vacation this summer and had loads of wonderful conversations with wonderful women there. But I was on vacation and had oodles of time. Otherwise, the average week consists of teaching, coaching, marking and then when I have free time on the weekend I make music because it's my one other passion. All of my time during the week is with students and only the other teachers at my school. It's not like I get to go out for a work lunch or whatever. But since I do really want to meet someone I've tried some dating sites with no luck. Well, I thought I would ask metafilter to share some stories and then based on that I could chose maybe one or two activities to commit to in the hopes of meeting someone.

- I do think that there are perhaps a lot more women who aren't looking to settle down in their mid 20s and so this is a valid point. Thank you elpea.
posted by fantasticninety at 8:00 AM on October 23, 2010


very few of my mid-20s peers are looking for someone to marry and settle down with... we might consider those things if we found the right person.

Emilyd, you have a point: when I met my hubby I was mid-20s and emphatically NOT looking for marriage yet. He won me over, but it did mean completely rethinking what I saw myself doing after college. So yeah, the OP might have better luck by seeking out women more his own age who may already be ready to think of marriage and kids.

Pomo, I disagree that attractive smart women aren't going to be interested in this guy... IF he's a great guy, and IF she's ready to consider starting a family.

And the disparaging comments about schoolteachers as potential mates... just, wow. I know at least one attractive, smart lady who has a great career and earns more than her schoolteacher husband. They both appreciate her income, and the fact that his valuable yet under-paid job gives him the time and opportunity to be very involved in the kid's lives at home and at school. Career woman + schoolteacher husband just happens to be a great combination for raising kids. Schoolteacher is also an indicator that the guy has a real interest in kids and may be a great dad.
posted by evilmomlady at 8:01 AM on October 23, 2010 [3 favorites]


Hi. I won't judge you. I prefer very attractive women and have dated a few, and I'm not talking about above-average attractiveness, I'm talking about causing traffic problems pretty. These ladies were damn hottt, a fire-dancer and a model, and they both approached me, they started the relationship, and they ended it. In both cases, I was chilling in public places, minding my own business and they came up to me and started chatting. Things went from there.

I disagree that there aren't different rules for very attractive people. These very attractive people could have their pick of mates, and would always be able to get another mate due to their attractiveness. They can go up to people and say "I choose you" and the answer will always be "yes." The attractive girl always gets to pick her mate, or choose to switch mates at any time, and will not need to maintain the relationship because another relationship can be gotten into at any time. Both of the ladies I dated either left a relationship for me, or just left a relationship.

The relationships I've been on that have been based on attractiveness have been some of the most insecure I've ever been in

My theory is that this is the result of very attractive people not having to struggle to get into or stay in a relationship. Both of the extremely attractive people I've dated eventually got distracted by someone else and casually flaked on me.

Here is another thing that you need to have in mind. The (amateur) model I dated, drop dead gorgeous, people giving her money to stand around, rich guys flying her around the world, and so forth, I still keep in contact with her. This is the deal: she put on weight and now the looks totally average. It's really only a difference of maybe ten pounds and a summer without going to the gym. When you have a very attractive girlfriend, keep in mind she can stop being super attractive at any time. There is a huge gulf between looking ugly and looking cute, but the line between just- cute and smoking hot is thinner than people would like to admit. You have to think, once a person has gone through life with the advantage of being considered highly attractive when that advantage is taken away, what is left? Really pretty people never have to develop that awesome attitude and wit that us average and below-average lookers have to develop to attract mates. (Disclaimer: In special cases, really attractive people develop awesome personalities and are good at everything, but I have found that to be relatively uncommon.)

So, things to keep in mind:
1. Super-attractive people can get with anyone they want at any time
2. After she had kids, she may not be attractive anymore
3. After a period of time, she may not be attractive anymore
4. After she's not a traffic-stopper anymore, there might not be anything good about her

So, my recommendations that have worked for me to get "physically very attractive women":
1. Be in public places.
posted by fuq at 8:15 AM on October 23, 2010 [15 favorites]


Also: everyone else is a musician as well. Nothing special or particularly attractive about that especially to lovely folks that are nice-looking enough to be featured in professional music videos by big-name metal bands.
posted by fuq at 8:18 AM on October 23, 2010


If you are a physically very attractive woman how did you meet the man you married?

Ok, serious answer - by avoiding the type of men who were specifically looking for a very attractive woman. I've always looked for a guy with an extremely large...IQ. And one who has very strong morals. When I had a profile on a dating site, one of my qualifiers was "if you've ever had sex with someone you knew you didn't want a relationship with, then you're not right for me." (And FWIW, I'm not a church type. I'm an atheist.) I wanted someone who was unselfish; kind to old people, children and animals; energetic; and not sexist or racist, etc.

Those are the things I care about - everything else is can be dealt with. I don't care about looks, money, car, etc.

I met my guy on OK Cupid. And not that it should matter (but since it does to you) - I've modeled, and I'm somewhat infamous in my hometown for having been the cause of a 4 car pile-up on the main street. (I wasn't driving - I was standing on the sidewalk.)
posted by MexicanYenta at 8:22 AM on October 23, 2010 [6 favorites]


[folks, leave the snark and definitely leave the fighty, answer the question or contemplate the wonderful diversity of human opinion and experience in your own way, thank you.]
posted by jessamyn at 8:28 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm in my mid-forties now, so perhaps this only counts as anecdotal, but whatever.

I've always been told I am attractive, hot, whathaveyou. I looked good in my 20s and have remained that way until now (except for a period of time after the birth of my son when I looked frumpy and matronly). Yes, I got hit on a lot, still do. However, there is one important difference between my 20s and now...

I'm smarter, wiser and more grounded now than I was in my 20s. I look back at that time and know that I was clueless, preoccupied with finding the "right" man and getting married. There is no way that I would have lasted in a marriage that begun at that point in my life, because I didn't know what "forever" really meant. And it didn't last. I was truly clueless about the world and people in general. AND, most importantly, I was clueless about myself.

I give you this because if you are looking for a hot woman in her 20s to marry and breed with, be my guest. But don't expect it to last. That 20 year span in one's lifetime is immense, filled with learnings, life-lessons, personal growth and hard knocks that set the stage for the person that one becomes upon entering the 40s. I'm really not trying to be overly negative about this, but the changes that one goes through in this period of time are significant.

But than again, hindsight is 20/20.
posted by sundrop at 8:29 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


Just my two cents FWIW (I'm male):

I've had a stunningly beautiful girlfriend for a few months now. She turns heads (male and female) everywhere we go and gets hit on constantly, and I'm sure we get the "Why the hell's she with him?" comments when we're out of earshot. It's terrible, I tell ya.

When I bring it up, she says pretty much what others have said here: beautiful women are people like everybody else; looks matter a lot to some of them, and (fortunately for me) not at all to others. Some of them want the kind of partner they can get by milking their good looks, and (fortunately for me) some want the kind who want them for who they are outside of their looks. To be honest, I don't envy my GF a bit-- I'd hate to always have to unpack the reasons people are friendly to me.

But yeah, if you're out for a hottie (a risky scheme if you ask me, but you didn't, so I'll just answer your question), your best bet is to do your best to meet women of all kinds, and pick the best-looking ones who respond positively to you to pursue further.
posted by Rykey at 8:33 AM on October 23, 2010 [3 favorites]


Coming back to this question. Let me just say that I'm probably similar to the type of woman you're looking for. I'm not going to judge my own attractiveness, but I get attention. I think men being teachers, especially of younger kids, is great and admirable, really. I'm also a person who doesn't really do the dating thing, preferring long-term relationships. I'm fresh out of my 20s, but I've been with my guy since I was 25. Not ready for kids yet, but eventually. Where did I meet him? On an online video game. Oh, and he's below average in height as well.

People meet each other all over. Online, doing activities, lots of stuff. The key is to put yourself out there more, try something new, try something old that you haven't had time for in recent years. Putting yourself out there, but with the intention of enjoying yourself, having fun, not coming off as desperate or intensely searching and full of expectations. The attitude really, really helps. I've had guys follow me to try and talk to me, or given way too intense vibes at first that were real turnoffs. Neither my boyfriend or I were looking when we met. He had a girlfriend then and I was in a rough patch of my life. So we automatically treated each other with some casualness, and that let us get to know each other.
posted by cmgonzalez at 8:36 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


    If you are a physically very attractive woman how did you meet the man you married?
    Disclaimer: let's describe physically attractive as simply meaning you've always had a lot of attention from men (more than your friends).

I've also known women who set out for and acquire what you're describing; I don't see how this is much different, coming from a man. I'm not with a man of my dreams at the moment, but if it helps, I'll give you what I'm looking for, since I fit your criteria. I'm in my late 20s, single, unmarried, without kids, thinking about the next 10 years of my life - will I end up choosing family, career, or other. I had the ugly duckling experience of being romantically unwanted throughout my young life. Now that I'm "attractive", I find it very difficult to deal with the excess attention, especially now working in education with young adult men.

The ugly side. It is very frustrating to feel that [some] people cannot seem to look past my face to see my expressions or body language. Usually what happens when men gain some confidence in talking to me, it often feels like they'll jump at the chance to act like they're in an ax commercial. Now that we're talking, he must be doing something right, and I must be dying to let myself loose and hang all over him. I'm actually really bad at meeting men because even the nice ones don't realize how hard they're making it for me to sort them out from the jerks. As I get older, I lose my patience more quickly. If you're going to act like a guy who treats women like toys, then you probably are a guy who treats women like toys. And I'm not into that.

On the flip side, I've also had men say to my face how EASY my life must have been. It feels like they want me to know that they've ruled themselves out already, because I must be high maintenance, and they're just not into that.

So that's the de-briefing coming from one "attractive" woman. No, I don't want the man I marry to suffer the mistakes of other jerks. I just want you to understand where I'm coming from, as an "attractive" woman who receives a LOT of [positive and negative] attention from men. There's a lot of crossfire between the sexes ESPECIALLY at the initial stage that's very hard to filter all the time. And no, it's not fair.

The not-so-ugly side. I still eagerly want to meet an awesome man, and one of the signs I look for is when he makes me feel like my personality is the catch, and my beauty is the [well-appreciated] bonus. I also want him to be attractive enough to relate to where I'm coming from. So I guess I'm superficial too although I would point out there's a distinct fine line between confidence and attractiveness.

My advice: get yourself circulating within the community somehow (sports, club, volunteer, etc.) and when you've got a chance to dazzle one of these attractive ladies, show them you can multitask - you can enjoy their beauty AND interact with them intellectually/emotionally/etc at the same time. If you want to be one step ahead of the jerks, avoid the cliches of what an attractive woman "must be like". I can definitely tell you that even though I'm busy with a job I take very seriously, I always notice a man who stands out this way. If something's there, we'll find a reason to talk again soon, and go from there.

Re: turning bad again, lol. Even if you're civilized, I certainly want to know that your inner bad boy still wants to jump my bones. I just want to know that if I choose to open up to you, you have enough self-control to not stare at some part of my body during a crucial "getting-to-know-each-other" moment for me. That even in the intensity of sexy feelings, if I needed you to, you could still reign yourself in and hear what I have to say (particularly if it's a crisis moment for me). Finding a wonderful partner who respects and adores you is not easy for anyone, attractive people included. But wonderful people who fit your criteria certainly exist. Things that also worked for my female friends was being honest and upfront about their life goals (i.e. raise a family). Some women may be put off by this goal, but they are not all women. Good luck, and keep looking!
posted by human ecologist at 8:45 AM on October 23, 2010 [3 favorites]


As a woman, PARTICULARLY one expected to be a baby factory, I would be very, very hesitant to go out with a man whose primary criterion was physical attractiveness, since after you have that first baby, ain't nothin' going back to where it was before. Yes, physical attraction is important in relationships, whether objective or subjective, but bodies change and age and it's a very poor basis for a marital relationship.

If I could favorite Eyebrows M's comment 1000 times I would. I'm going to leave aside questions of height, income, job, whether or not you are "punching above your weight" in the "marriage market" and so on. To the nitty-gritty that other posters have touched upon: You have to base a marriage on something other than looks and babies. You have to like and respect the person you are with. You have to realize that marriage is a partnership, not just getting YOUR needs met. You have to realize that "for worse, for poorer, in sickness" happens to the best of us, and you really, REALLY do not want to be That Guy who ditches his wife because she has cancer or is infertile or got older or just because you "love her but are not IN LOVE with her anymore." Marriage shouldn't feel like a day in the salt mines, but it does involve more than sweet Kodak moments.

Take it from someone who was considered "hot" (not conventionally attractive, but hot in a unique kind of way) up through her late 30's. I wasn't interested in marriage or babies and still am adamantly and irrevocably child-free, but I did get offers. And, whammo! I got diagnosed with cancer in my early 40's. Suddenly, still-attracive, slender, long-haired me was bald and scarred and bloated and cranky and scared to death and generally feeling like crap. This stuff happens. What if this was your wife? Would you stand by her lovingly, would you hold her head while she was sick and pick up the slack around the house and reassure her she was still beautiful and loved and would come out of it just fine? Or would you be That Guy?

I'm telling you this because bad things happen to hot people and especially in this era of Facebook and networking and so on, you don't want to be known as a potential That Guy Who Dumped His Wife Because She Got Older/Got Cancer/[insert life event here]. It's OK to want a hot woman (though "wanting" doesn't necessarily mean "getting"). But you have to base a relationship on something other than just looks or it's going to go really bad one day.

And if you are going to bring kids into a relationship, that binds you into a biological (not just social) commitment that will last at least 20 years. And if you dump their mom, you can bet your bottom dollar that the kids will take HER side in the split and hate you, maybe forever. Not to mention that these days, dads are expected to be involved with their kids lives. You don't get to retreat to the "den" with a Scotch and cigar and leave everything up to Mom anymore, even if she's a SAHM. I say this not because I necessarily think you will do this, but because men - even men with beautiful stay-home wives - are expected to step up to the plate and be dads these days, unless they have really high-powered jobs, and then they are expected to be ATM machines. So. Character. Please.

Finally, to answer your question "where to meet hot women" - where you meet women in general. Online, volunteering, church, walking your dog in the park, etc. BTW, if you don't have a dog, borrow one unless you hate dogs. Dogs are a woman magnet. If you don't have a dog, go up to a woman with a dog and say, "What a beautiful/great dog!" I know more people who met while walking their dogs, or because the guy or gal went up to the dog-walker and complimented their dog. Puppy power!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 9:20 AM on October 23, 2010 [8 favorites]


My wife has caused a few car crashes, in fact I gave her a triple-take the first time I saw her. She also has an MBA, is a great mom, makes you laugh out loud, and would do anything for her friends. If she wasn't such an awesome person, I wouldn't have been able to meet her, bump into her at the grocery store, ask her out, go out for coffee, create a spark, begin a relationship, get married, and have two kids.

Why did she need to be an awesome person for me to strike up a conversation at the grocery store? Because you don't strike up conversations with hot, non-awesome people like trophy wives or 'fine dime brizzles' at the grocery store. You meet women like this in the VIP lounge after you bought a bottle of champagne and a 8-ball of coke. You meet women like this outside the locker room after you hit the game winning shot against the Celtics. You meet women like this after your music career takes off and you're on the road, checked in under the name 'Donald Duck' at the Ritz Carlton.

With that said, being hot and being an awesome person do not have to be mutually exclusive. Hot people can't help that they are hot. Hot people who are also awesome can't help but to be everywhere. There are attractive, smart, caring people everywhere!! No matter where you go, God makes sure that these people are around......in Barnes and Noble, at the science lab, and in church.

The problem is.....you don't notice...... because you have been programmed to see boobs and eyes covered in mascara and eye-liner. Look a little closer at the girl with the hoodie or the women with no makeup on. They're hot, and smart, loving, and awesome. Now go get em!!!!
posted by jasondigitized at 9:37 AM on October 23, 2010


Do I get more attention than my friends? I guess not, but my friends tend to be gorgeous. In my own opinion. It's a weirdly phrased question, but . . . my first boyfriend told me that I could have any boy I wanted; my husband was reluctant to approach me because I was obviously "out of his league". The people who like what I have to offer tend to think I'm freaking gorgeous; people who don't like what I have to offer tend to think I'm a fat nerd. (I am.)

I met my husband at a party.
I met my boyfriend through mutual friends.
I met my (smokin', as they say) girlfriend because we were both dating the same guy.

So I dunno. These seem to be "normal how you meet people" things. And even if they're deluded, the people in question seem to be astonished at their good fortune.

(And I've also had my share of the men who resent and dislike me for being attractive to them. It's DEEPLY WEIRD but it's true.)
posted by endless_forms at 9:40 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


Here is how you're going to meet women: make it a priority. Build time into your calendar so that you can date / take a class / pursue a social hobby. You are going to have to give something up in order to do this, be it coaching or sleep or a few hours of music. You will have to decide where your priorities lie.

If you decide to go the dating site route, have a female friend look over your profile or posting. Your description of yourself here isn't putting your best foot forward.

My two most gorgeous friends met the men of their dreams in their day-to-day lives. It's just that the men of their dreams treated them like human beings instead of a combination of physical features, unlike some of the jerks they'd dated before.
posted by corey flood at 9:52 AM on October 23, 2010 [6 favorites]


But why didn't you come on here and ask "Now that I'm not young and partying and spend most of my time working or preparing for work and working on my hobby, I find that I don't meet as many women -- can you guys suggest some activities that a lot of women participate in and where they would be open to meeting men?"

Instead you continually say "attractive women." Where can you meet "physically very attractive women"? What kinds of activities to "attractive women" pursue? How did "attractive women" meet their husbands?

The attractive women in their 20s (and others) are trying to explain to you that

1) Attractive women are people, too. It might seem to you that "the world turns around us" but that's not how it works from this side. I have pursuits that I spend my time on and places that I go -- I pursue and go to those things not because I'm attractive, but because those are my interests. My looks are just on the outside -- they don't have anything to do with my interest in Romantic composers. That goes for what I'm looking for in a husband, too. I have specific interests and qualities and qualifications for my dream man. But --

2) Attractive women can have their pick. It's not that I'm hot so I want a rich husband -- it's that I'm hot so I probably can have my choice between a great guy who's comfortably off and a great guy who's rich. Or a great guy who's short and a great guy who's tall. It's my prerogative to decide between them. Because they will probably all come to me at some point. It's also my prerogative to consistently weed out guys who can't see past my looks, to whom I am not ME but just a representative of "physically very attractive women." And I've had a lot of experience weeding those guys out, believe me. And just you met/talked to/dated attractive women doesn't mean that those women would be interested in marrying you. Often a very different list of requirements for a conversation partner/fuck buddy/fun fling/husband.

3) There is one thing you are no longer bringing to the table that you were when you were in your 20s: you're no longer in your 20s. Sorry, but from where I'm sitting in my mid-20s, you are old. I might factor your age in against your maturity or stability or readiness for marriage, but again, if I can choose between a guy who's mature and ready for marriage at 28, and the same guy at 38, guess whom I'll pick? (Yes, that guy is harder to find at 28.) Your age is a factor against you.

Instead of listening to what people are saying, you are insisting that the solution to your problem is simply "Give me activity X and Y and I shall meet attractive women." People are trying to help you by explaining that it's not that simple and is unlikely to work out that way, and that you need to change your thinking a bit.
posted by thebazilist at 9:59 AM on October 23, 2010 [15 favorites]


thebazalist: I didn't come on here asking about meeting women in general because there are a thousand posts like that already. I had hoped a few women, or men, would share their stories of how they met especially in regards to the woman being someone who always received a lot of attention because of her beauty. Yes, I did add a few details about my life mainly just to give it some context. I had zero clue that so many people would delight in responses along the lines of "cause you got no game for a beauty, ha ha! and besides, beauty doesn't matter!".

Rose M. Banks and anyone else in regards to the superficial bent: I do understand that beauty fades with time. So do a lot of other things that we look for in a mate. Circumstances change, and so do the nature of relationships. I am not a fool. The reason why you love someone at 20 is not the same reason as at 50 etc.
posted by fantasticninety at 10:30 AM on October 23, 2010


Of the two most startlingly beautiful women I know -- traffic stopping women, literally -- one of them met her husband at a science fiction convention, and the other met her husband in chiropractic school. In both cases, their husbands are extremely attractive, as well as being warm-hearted, caring, open human beings who are roughly the same age as their wives. So from those experiences, I would say "go places you already go, do things you already like to do, and find a way to make conversation with exceptionally attractive people you meet there in the hopes of finding one you have a spark with."

If you want to find a venue that has an unusually high concentration of exceptionally attractive people, you're probably going to have to hunt for something that focuses on looks -- cattle calls for So You Think You Can Dance, or hang out at hardbody gym, or have drinks in the bars of high-end hotels. One thing to bear in mind, though, is that by doing this, you're selecting for people who are not only very attractive, but who are highly invested in that aspect of themselves. These may not be women who are looking for someone like you to partner with.

Bottom line? Unless you're the kind of guy who stereotypically appeals to women who define themselves by their age and their beauty, you're going to have better luck looking for a woman who considers her appearance to be less of a factor in her desirability. That doesn't mean she's going to be less attractive, necessarily, but it does mean that she's not going to choose her hangout locations on the basis of her attractiveness.
posted by KathrynT at 10:48 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


I am struggling to understand why you're asking what you're asking. On the one hand, you seem to be asking where the hot chicks hang out, which is odd, because they don't hang out anywhere in particular. Maybe in high school they hung our around the pool or at the mall or whatever. But grownups, hot or not, hand out in all sorts of different places, depending on their interests. Just about the only exception I can think of are those snobby night clubs that only admit good-looking and rich people. I guess you could also hang out in high-end strip clubs.

There are hot, average-looking, and ugly people at bookstores, libraries, movies, art galleries, churches, etc. So go to one of those places and, if it's what you're interested in, focus on the attractive people and ignore the less-attractive people.

I also don't get why you want to know how guys met attractive women and vice versa. How is their experience going to help you. There's not one story. There are a billion unique stories.

However, in the spirit of answering your question, here's mine: I'm a nerdy guy who married a gorgeous woman. We met in grad school. We hit it off, because we had a lot of similar interests, a similar outlook about the world, similar goals and a similar sense of humor. Certainly I was physically attracted to her, but there were lots of attractive women there. I wanted to be with her because she and I clicked in terms of personality.

As for her, most of the guys she'd dated before me were much more attractive than I am. One thing that tends to happen to women, as they get older, is that looks matter less to them. They've had their flings with the captain of the football team, and it was fun, but in the end he was shallow, so they started looking for more substance. So, I guess, early-20s girls would be best for you. By the mid 20s, girls start maturing. They start looking for guys who have matured in similar ways to them -- guys who aren't first and foremost looking for hot chicks.
posted by grumblebee at 10:48 AM on October 23, 2010 [7 favorites]


The reason why you love someone at 20 is not the same reason as at 50 etc.

Please explain.

---

Anyway, to share my story:

I've just hit my 30s but my partner is 10 years older than me. I don't want to speak for him, but I can only imagine that some of the reasons that he started dating me when I was 22-23 and he was 32-33... And when I was young, I was a bit dazzled by his security (he owned his condo. He has a slightly nicer car. We could go out to eat at nice places. Ooh!) But he had to deal with some of my shit for a number of years -- quarter-life crisis, hating work, being broke, going back to school, etc. -- that was not stuff that he signed on at the beginning.

As far as attractiveness, IMHO a woman is never as unattractive (in the conventional sense) as when she is super pregnant and after pregnancy. There is poop and blood and all sort of gross stuff. If your primary attraction to someone is based on looks, I can only imagine that this would be a tough time for you.
posted by k8t at 10:49 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


If you're spending all of your time at school and doing music (alone?) on the weekends, you're not going to meet anyone new, much less new attractive people.

Your most recent response makes me think that you're not seeing past how people are phrasing this, so I'm going to give it one more try:

Attractive women do the same things that everyone else does. They play sports, go to the grocery store, walk their dogs, etc. If you want to meet attractive women, that's what you do. If you want to have a chance at nabbing one of those women, you have to ignore the fact that they're beautiful while you're talking to them. Because there's nothing less attractive in a potential date than to feel as though they're sizing you up like a piece of meat. You want to know how to stand out from the pack of men that follow attractive ladies around. You do it by not noticing they're attractive and getting to know them as people.

Also, this should be repeated for emphasis: And just you met/talked to/dated attractive women doesn't mean that those women would be interested in marrying you. Often a very different list of requirements for a conversation partner/fuck buddy/fun fling/husband.

You're still in the dating for a fling or whatever mindset. If you want to get serious about finding a WIFE you need to change your mindset. The first thing to do is to sit down and think about your five non-negotiables. These are five things that a woman must have to qualify as your potential wife. Anything about her attractiveness does NOT belong on this list. Here's an example list:

1. Must want kids
2. Must be a musician
3. Must like cooking and eating fine food
4. Must want to have a career
5. Must value her family highly and have close friends.

Now, obviously, those are just things I pulled out of the ether, and they're not your list. It's just an example. Sit down and think about that list. Now, when you go out to meet women, evaluate them against this list. If they don't meet your five non-negotiables, it doesn't matter how hot they are. This will also give you practice interacting with hot women like they're human beings. Which they will appreciate and like you for.
posted by stoneweaver at 10:53 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


To make my point in a shorter, blunter way: Let's say I'm a smart, pretty, marriage-minded woman. Am I going to be happiest:

1. being the smart, marriage-minded one in a room full of pretty people;
2. being the pretty, marriage-minded one in a room full of smart people;
3. being the smart, pretty one in a room full of marriage-minded people?

Yeah, this is unnecessarily reductionist. . . but give it some thought.
posted by KathrynT at 10:57 AM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


I had hoped a few women, or men, would share their stories of how they met especially in regards to the woman being someone who always received a lot of attention because of her beauty.

I've read the entire question and your responses and I'm still not sure what you're looking for. Is it that you want know where extremely attractive women hang out? How to get their interest? Are you asking this about specific woman, who is extremely attractive and gets a lot of attention and you want to know how to stand out from the crowd? Are you trying to figure who to meet women in the midst of full work and hobby schedule? Could you clarify, please?
posted by nomadicink at 11:00 AM on October 23, 2010


"Here's my last attempt to steer this back on course:"

AskMeFi Pro Tip #174
If you don't want to get snarky answers that steer your post off track, realize that the "How" of your question is just important as the "What." Your post came off as shallow and immature and many people on here don't like that, hence the responses you've been getting. You claim you are no fool, yet surely you must have realized how your post would have come off...

Not trying to beat you down because I think your post was a fair and intriguing question, but I just want to explain the phenomenon you are experiencing in your responses because you appear to be in the dark about why people are reacting this way on this particular website.

------------

And now to answer your question...

Here's the deal, based on your criteria as you have outlined it, you are looking for a relatively shallow relationship (not judging, but let's call a spade a spade here). The sorts of girls who meet your criteria are likely to also be shallow. If you are not physically attractive enough for them to win on looks alone, you need to compensate in another area. The girls who are ok being trophy wives are attracted to money and the security/freedom it offers. Depending on how much you make, you might want to start flaunting more of it. HOWEVER, and this is a big one...if you are just upper-middle class, you don't have enough to be flaunting it because you have just enough money to look like you are rich, without being actually rich. If a trophy wife is with you for money and finds out you don't have anywhere near as much as you tricked her into believing, she'll leave you for the first truly wealthy guy she finds.

So that covers one angle...now another. The girls you want to meet go out to bars with their friends looking for guys and are always dressed to the 9's and flirty/outgoing. They were the pretty popular girls in high school and college and they still try to be that in "the real world" however the tables have turned a bit. Suddenly they find themselves in a world where people are measured on many things beyond those at which they excelled, and they no longer instill fear/awe purely through their presence. What do these girls need? Validation.

If you can make them feel like they just landed the quarterback of the football team and show you off to their friends, you will be in. But here's the kicker...you've just become a "trophy husband." And that is essentially what you need, someone looking for the same thing as you, ie. someone they can show off and enjoy on their own. However some potential trophy wives are intelligent enough to realize that if they can get you, they can probably get someone like you who has more money, or prestige, or power, or whatever they consider to be that "special" quality a trophy husband should have.

So, there's your situation laid out for you. Do with the info as you will. Don't be surprised though if you find yourself with a woman down the road though who you find incredibly beautiful who isn't really by conventional standards. Life has a creepy way of working like that. The irony is you'll love her to death but secretly be thinking that you need someone "hotter" to show off. And then you'll just be miserable. So my advice? Come to terms with your shallowness and realize that you don't need an attractive wife to validate yourself as a human being. Start looking for someone you connect with and the attraction will most likely be there of its own accord, and it will be more than JUST physical, which takes it to a whole new level.
posted by Elminster24 at 11:28 AM on October 23, 2010 [7 favorites]


"cause you got no game for a beauty, ha ha! and besides, beauty doesn't matter!"

Yes, those might sound like conflicting answers, but you are asking two separate questions.

Q1: Why is harder to meet/whatever young, attractive women now? A1: "Cause you got no game for a beauty." To say it less crudely, first of all you are older. Second of all, you must not be as attractive as these women are, or you wouldn't have to ask. I don't know anything else about you -- your character, your personality, your financial situation. But obviously you must be lacking somewhere, or appear to be lacking somewhere, in comparison to the women that you are interested in. This doesn't strictly have to be looks-for-looks or money-for-looks. It doesn't have to mean that you are too ugly or too poor -- it could mean that the women you're after are too shallow or too flaky. Whatever it is, there is a disconnect between you and the women you want. And third, it was easier to get with hot women when you were younger because you weren't looking for marriage, and neither were those women. Now that you are looking for a wife, and you're looking for women who are looking for a husband, well, those women are going to be looking at different criteria in deciding whether to accept you or not. The same girls that you liked when you were young and wild are not necessarily going to want marriage just because you want marriage now.

Q2: How do I meet attractive women? A2: "Beauty doesn't matter!" This means that when it comes to meeting women, finding women, being where women are, there is no difference between ugly women and attractive women. I have ugly girlfriends who are always out at the club, and hot girlfriends who sit at home and read Harry Potter. There is ONE difference, however, between approaching attractive women and women who are average: they will be able to tell from a mile away if you are only after them for their looks. Now, if those same women are only after you for x (eg, conversation, sex, money) and you have x, then you guys are set. But that attitude is going to turn a lot of women off. And any pick-up lines or cheesy "game" antics to get their attention are going to be even more tiresome because they've heard it already. So you'll have to just be yourself and be genuine and be interested in HER. (But this is advice that you should follow anyway, with all women.)

I didn't come on here asking about meeting women in general because there are a thousand posts like that already. GO READ THEM.
posted by thebazilist at 11:39 AM on October 23, 2010 [8 favorites]


I agree with everyone who said that hot women don't hang out in different places than other women. I'm not at all attractive, but I have pretty friends and I have hung out with a few literally traffic-stopping girls, and it's not like we split up and went to different stores or bars based on our relative attractiveness.

However. I wanted to mention, because I don't believe anyone else has yet, that there absolutely are cities and towns where you'll find a higher percentage of hot women, because these places put a higher premium on hot. Beautiful people move there and people who live there put a lot more work into being beautiful. Beautiful is of the utmost importance to them, as it is to you. (You'll also find a higher percentage of really rich men there.) I doubt you'd be able to live in one of these places in any kind of style on a teacher's salary, but it seems like that's where you should be.

The thing is, except for the very lucky few, being that kind of hot takes a lot of money. Trophy wives are not cheap. If you manage to get one, are you prepared to pay for her designer clothes, weekly mani-pedi's and facials, waxing, laser treatments, highlights, haircuts, personal trainer, cosmetic dentistry, post-baby tucks and lipo, etc.? That shit's expensive. So is the divorce settlement if you decide to trade her in for a younger model instead. It's somewhat true, as smoke said above, that the world doesn't have different rules for attractive people. But in my experience (I grew up in the land of the Stepford Wives) there are different rules in places where attractiveness is the most important factor in life. You're going to have to be willing to obey them.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:51 AM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


Wow. This poster is being attacked for wanting what almost any human being could want in a mate - that is, someone the poster is attracted to. All of these people, mostly women, who are getting snarky about the idea that he specified "attractive" are over-thinking this by quite a bit.

I'm also quite certain that if the poster found an attractive, interesting, compatible woman who was also in her early 30's and also interested in him, he wouldn't exactly say, "Oh, well, you won't work. See you around" and walk away. That he'd ultimately like to find someone in their mid-20's might be a little unrealistic, but not a horrible goal.



Prejudices aside, fantasticninety, you sound like you're more than halfway there. Since you made a mention of how people can "comb their hair" and therefore make an effort to look nice, I take it for granted that you aren't doing things like leaving food in your beard (the faux pas of my first boyfriend - disgusting), forgetting to brush your teeth or shower, maintaining clean fingernails, having washed clothes, etc.

What you really should focus on is find opportunities to get involved with something in your area. Please only volunteer, sign up, or attend things you are actually interested in, as your possible status of "female pointer pup" would soon become apparent. For example, since you say you are a musician on the side, have you ever considered teaching either children or adults, not as a job, but as a workshop which could be made available through your local library or community center (music being an attract for many women going unsaid *hint hint*)? Do things like removing invasive plant species, tagging animals and birds, and planting trees interest you (environmental chicks)? Do you ever just go to something like you Barnes & Noble to chill and read? Do you attend movies either by yourself or with friends (the sheer amount of males who happen to sit next to me with friends, then end up chatting me up, corroborating mutual interests, and asking for things like my Facebook or phone number are startling, at least to me)?

Get interested in something, unless you already are and have a filled week every week, other than your jobs, or take your talent for your jobs outside their setting. Your passion for your work will be noticed, accepted, even appreciated and you'll be more likely to start looking for _any_ female, much less attractive mid-20's types.

*As a side note, I'm a female who, while confidant, has almost no consciousness of my own looks - I've been told I have classic lines, should have been a model, and could make most men's jaws drop on a "making myself look decent" day by my boyfriend, friends, and occasional random people on the street. I do know though that while my boyfriend has to _point out_ out of amusement how many men try to hit on me in his presence, the fact that I have more than looks is what draws many different types of men - and it's what could draw many different types of women to you. Like I said, find a passion, an interest, and throw yourself into it.
posted by DisreputableDog at 12:26 PM on October 23, 2010


Serious attempt here.

Disclaimer: let's describe physically attractive as simply meaning you've always had a lot of attention from men (more than your friends).

I just don't feel this to be a common denominator at all. What you might be looking for is a woman with style, with charisma, who is, in terms of conversation and otherwise, a match to your warm, considerate and responsible not-being-a-foolness. So that's based on an individual, interactive dynamic, which makes her by definition not hang out in random stereotypical places. (Even without your disclaimer, or my attempt at its interpretation, you may agree that attractiveness is largely an eye-of-the-beholder-thing).

What you (since you will not be interested in yoga classes, cooking courses, or hanging out in the vegetarian cafe at your local art gallery) might consider is to check out - if feasible - the research areas of the field you're teaching in, and begin to go to conferences, meetings, to join dedicated professional organizations, and thus meet younger, equally young, or older ambitious female colleagues of the same brand as you are.
posted by Namlit at 1:15 PM on October 23, 2010


Okay-like most of the other posters, I'm going to attempt to answer your question without snarking your head off, which is the knee jerk temptation, I'll be honest.

When I was in my mid-20's, I was probably what one would consider "hot." I got hit on constantly. I dated mostly older men because that's what I was attracted to and eventually married one of them-my husband is 8 years my senior.

What attracted me to him-he was a nice, compassionate guy who didn't treat me like a walking pair of breasts, valued my opinion, had ambition and a plan for his life, and he wanted to settle down and raise a family and have a dog and all that. Also, my husband is very good looking and very successful-it would be a lie to say those things didn't matter to me. But at the end of the day, he was a genuinely great guy who I couldn't believe hadn't been snapped up by some other woman.

What attracted him to me-I was beautiful, smart, funny (laughed at myself as much as anything else), love football and chicken wings, all in all was down to earth. He said later that I was a cool guy trapped in a hot chick's body.

So in case it's not apparent-what worked for the two of us is that we both regarded each other as human beings. He wasn't a walking wallet to me, I wasn't a live blow up doll for him. If you want to attract hot younger women, you will have to treat them with the same level of respect that you treat normal looking middle aged women. And as other posters have mentioned, they all hang out in the same places. Spend time doing things you like, don't be afraid to talk to women, get used to being rejected more often than not, and put yourself out there.

One last comment-you might want to consider, and please don't take this personally since I don't know you and thus don't mean to make this about you personally-but it's possible that hot women in their mid 20's are out of your league. You're older and not every girl has a daddy fixation. Unless you are very good looking, very successful, very glib, or have some other special talent, you may have to "settle" for dating women your own age. At the very least, you're going to have a work a lot harder than you did in your 20's to get the attention of younger women because you're not exactly on their radar.
posted by supercapitalist at 1:51 PM on October 23, 2010


Wow. This poster is being attacked for wanting what almost any human being could want in a mate - that is, someone the poster is attracted to.

That's not what he said. He didn't write about women he was attracted to. He wrote about women who are "physically very attractive ... meaning you've always had a lot of attention from men (more than your friends)."

Maybe he's only attracted to super-gorgeous women. I doubt it. Of course different people are attracted to different things, but I've never met anyone that shallow in terms what turns them on. I have met PLENTY of people that shallow in terms of what they're for for other reasons, e.g. to show off.

I'm assuming some people did attack him, as some of the comments here were deleted, but most of the comments here aren't attacks. He's asking where the hot chicks hang out, and person after person have told them that this mythical place doesn't exist. Maybe that's wrong (I think it's right), but it's not an attack. And many people have shared their stories, which are not going to help the OP, but they're what he asked for.

Some people have suggested that he'd be happier if he worked towards a less shallow goal. Some have suggested that they women he wants might be put off by his goal. Those are derails to some extent, but they're not attacks.
posted by grumblebee at 1:57 PM on October 23, 2010 [1 favorite]


Elminster: you're right; I could have worded the question better. I think if I had said the following it wouldn't have had any of the negative traction or vitriol that this one did.

If you are a woman who gets hit on a lot and are at a point in your life where you are looking to settle down, what choices have you made to find a man who is at a similar page in life?

DisreputableDog: thank you for going against the general tide of the group hate there. I appreciate it.

k8t: people change over time and so must their love for one another. Surely your love for your significant other has grown and developed as the years have gone on. That being said, there must have been some sort of spark at the beginning which is not necessarily the same now either. It's just a natural part of life. That's all I meant about not loving the same way at 20 as you do at 50, etc.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to write in, regardless of your perspective. Thanks for sharing.
posted by fantasticninety at 2:02 PM on October 23, 2010


If you are a woman who gets hit on a lot and are at a point in your life where you are looking to settle down, what choices have you made to find a man who is at a similar page in life?

That's actually a pretty different question, and I do think you would have gotten different answers if you had phrased it that way. As one data point:

Grad school. Also, I stopped being super hot. I purposefully "dressed down" and stopped wearing makeup, etc. It helped weed out the people who were only interested in me for my looks. I do those things again now for my husband, but it's largely because I know he's in it for *me*. So, that's a choice I made. I also stopped going to meat markets (bars, clubs, etc.) because those aren't the kind of guys that you want to settle down with. The man who is on a "similar page" mostly doesn't care about looks and mostly isn't looking for a younger woman, because he's mature enough to know that those aren't stable building blocks for a relationship. They're just not.

My first comment wasn't meant to be snarky or hateful or anything like that. I really genuinely mean that you should sit down and think about what you really want out of a long term relationship and the sort of woman you want to be with on a deep level. Because you're right - the looks and things fade. So you better have picked someone you like and have similar life goals.

If you are truly interested in having a younger hot wife, investigate (with yourself, privately) why that is. Are you concerned about what other people will think? Do you feel like that's the only thing that will sexually satisfy you? Does the power dynamic excite you? (i.e. you will have more power because of age, but she will have more power because of relative attractiveness.) Do you feel immature and feel like someone in her mid-20s would be a better fit maturity wise? Are you concerned that someone your own age wouldn't be fertile?

If you can answer those questions completely honestly and truthfully with yourself, you'll be ready to strike the right conversation when you *do* meet the girl who turns your head. If you don't know exactly why you're looking for what you're looking for, it's going to be hard to get a woman to stay in a relationship with you.
posted by stoneweaver at 2:46 PM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


Wow, I really hesitate to identify myself as SUPER MEGAHOT for the purposes of answering your question, but when I was young I got a lot of unsolicited male attention because my appearance fit a certain mold.

How I handled it was by meeting my husband online (despite there being no girls on the internet.) I did this precisely because I could get to know people before ever letting them see what I looked like -- thus weeding out assholes only interested in a piece of ass, or who would talk to me like a third-grader because I enjoy wearing lipstick.

While presumably grateful that I didn't have a squid growing out of my forehead, my husband turned out to not really care what I looked like. Which is great, because I got fat and he doesn't seem to have noticed.

Moral of the story: even if you marry a hot lady, it's best not to care too much that she's hot because she will no longer be hot one day, guaranteed.
posted by Ouisch at 3:09 PM on October 23, 2010 [4 favorites]


I think this is your best bet:
You're a teacher, which means--presumably--that you have evenings and weekends free. I'm sure your time is taken up with extracurriculars (you mentioned some kind of coaching, band practice, etc.), but you need to make some for a new hobby.
This new hobby should be something athletic, that takes place on the weekends, preferably in a group scenario. Take rock climbing classes, yoga, join a bicycle group ride . . .
The reasons for this are:
1. The chances of finding a woman who is in good physical shape are better at one of these activities, thus your chance of finding a woman who is of the attractiveness that you're looking for is higher.
2. If she looks good sweating and climbing, cycling, etc., she's going to look great cleaned up.
3. The group situation allows you to possibly meet several women at once, and for both of you to feel less pressure. Just don't be that guy that tries to chat her up DURING the yoga class. Wait until that period just after where everyone is drinking water and exchanging pleasantries.
4th, And most importantly . . . if you DO meet a very attractive lady while participating in one of these activities, you will then have something that interests the both of you that you can do together for the rest of your lives. I can't stress how important this is, it is really one of the most important things you can do for a relationship.
Please read this not as: "go out and pick up a hobby you're really not interested in just to get chicks" and more as "find something you are really interested in, but haven't tried, or are already interested in, and find a hot lady who's into it to".

I hope that helps, and good luck.
posted by kaiseki at 3:19 PM on October 23, 2010 [3 favorites]


If you are a woman who gets hit on a lot and are at a point in your life where you are looking to settle down, what choices have you made to find a man who is at a similar page in life?

I could have gotten married to any of the people I was dating during my 20s, they all asked me. But I wasn't really about going to Aunt Molly's Thanksgiving dinner at the time, you know? Now that I'm older and interested in getting married I'll probably marry the guy I'm with at the moment. I didn't make any huge effort to find him, I've known him slightly for 10 years. He found out I was single, came calling, I spent some time with him and fell for him. He's wildly attractive, funny, traveled, smart and nice. But so were most of the guys I saw in my 20s. 10 years ago this would have ended in him asking me to marry him and me leaving him but now he's asked and I'm seriously considering it. The difference is that I'm ready for it, not that he's fundamentally different from the kind of people I dated before.

I've never "looked" for guys anywhere, usually I meet them through people I already know and I prefer a guy comes with bonafides of some sort. I would never consider online dating. I've had a lot of male attention on the creepy stalker through lame sad sack spectrum and I'm not interested in any more. I'm also not interested in being with a guy who falls in love with me in 10 minutes, or a week or a month or from a photo or is looking for a wife, list of desirable traits in hand. That'll pretty much get you the door.

Also I'd like a guy with high self confidence because I've found they treat you better and don't get jealous or insecure. Often this means a guy who is unusually good looking or hip or successful in some way. I'm a successful person myself so I'm not selecting these traits to bask in my SOs reflected glory. I just want someone to treat me as an equal and typically people who are also successful will do so
posted by fshgrl at 3:49 PM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


btw, I think the money thing being discussed above is kind of irrelevant. Trophy wives are rarely stunningly attractive, instead they take what they have and work really hard to generate male interest. Lots of grooming! From your description of the women you dated in your 20s it sounds like they were more free spirited and interested in like minded men without putting tons of effort into "landing" one.
posted by fshgrl at 4:28 PM on October 23, 2010


So I have several friends who meet this criteria. They are all with very successful and very attractive men who are on average 2 or 3 years old than them. The men they have dated are overwhelming as attractive or just slightly less attractive than themselves. In other words, their boyfriends/husbands are generally one of the hottest guys in the room. Almost all met their significant others through friends or school. A couple met online. In terms of how these guys approached my friends. I can't remember exactly, but they were definitely non-sleazy, respectful, and fairly early on made it clear they were serious about a relationship. I really can't think of any who started out casually with the men they are now with. The guys also made a considerable effort. Lots of visits, flowers, dinners. Not necessarily expensive gifts, but I guess you could say traditionally romantic gestures that are pretty rare nowadays.

I have one friend who dated a man in his late 30s when she was in her mid 20s (she's stunning). He was in incredible shape, was filthy rich, very well connected, and had a really good personality. He messaged her on myspace (this was a few years ago when people actually were still on myspace). It also didn't end up working out. She's now with a very attractive guy her own age who she met through a friend.

I will put a disclaimer that these women I speak of are all successful in their own right, so they are not traditional "trophy" wives. Different rules may apply to women who are less career oriented.

I do think there are different rules for VERY attractive women vs merely attractive, pretty or cute women. I have lots of attractive, pretty friends and only a handful of VERY attractive female friends. My pretty friends have dated guys all over the map, my VERY attractive friends by in large have not.

The one commonality I have seen with my very attractive female friends is that they have very high standards, and unlike most people, won't compromise in the long run because they don't have to. They may date around, but when it comes to settling down they don't settle for less than the complete package. Whatever the "complete package" is for them, which granted does vary, but is still a very high bar for most men to clear. Almost all I have known require very attractive mates.

I'm guessing you had more luck in your 20s because you were more attractive, were of a similar age, and had more in common with these women. I think you might be kidding yourself that your current lack of success is because you're busy with your career and not because you now bring less to the table in terms of what these women are looking for. I would guess that your success in Paris has a lot more to do with the fact you're a foreigner and most people find that to be attractive and interesting in its own right and that Europeans tend to be far more likely to approach strangers, flirt, etc.. than Americans. As in pretty much everyone gets hit on left, right, and center in Europe. That's why Europe is great.

If what you want is a super attractive 20 something, then that's what you want, but you need to be realistic and you should be aware that a lot of happiness may pass you by as you are on your search for that hottie you may or may not ever find.
posted by whoaali at 4:47 PM on October 23, 2010


I didn't answer your question at first because I found it shallow and insulting. This, on the other hand:

If you are a woman who gets hit on a lot and are at a point in your life where you are looking to settle down, what choices have you made to find a man who is at a similar page in life?

I can answer.

I have always been hit on a lot, and I have modeled, for money. I caused a guy to walk into a telephone pole once because he was watching me instead of where he was going.

The point is, I didn't have to "make choices" to find a man. I have always had a lot of male attention, and I think I could have had just about any guy I met. (Wow, I'm feeling weird about stating this outright, but it's probably true.) So I didn't have to go places specifically to meet men. I never had to even think about trying to meet someone to settle down with.

As it is, I met my (10 years older) husband in my early twenties, and we dated for a long time. We met at a language conversation group, in case you care, but I was the only 20-something-year-old female there, so I'm not suggesting that's a great place to go to meet women.

I agree with just about everyone else who has said that (most) hot women don't go anywhere specific. You will find them all over the place. So you are better off choosing activities that you enjoy, and then at least any women you meet will have something else in common with you for when the physical attractiveness wears off.

As an extra data point, I got hit on especially a lot while modeling, at modeling gigs. And that was really skeevy, because I could tell that the guys were only interested in me for my looks. I was much more interested in the people who hit on me when I was not dressed up, not wearing make up, at the grocery store, at classes, at community events, etc, because there was a chance they were interested in more than just my looks. I think that's one reason why my husband appealed: sure, he found me hot, but we got to know each other in a conversational setting, having interesting conversations, and it was kind of dark in that cafe where the group met, and I wasn't all dressed up and made up, so he claims he didn't realise at first that I was "out of his league".
posted by lollusc at 6:25 PM on October 23, 2010 [2 favorites]


I am not a a PVAW, but my friend is. As in, random men on the street stop and say "Excuse me, but you are incredibly beautiful" and she just shrugs and smiles and this is NORMAL to her.

She met her husband while working on a community theatre production. So, there you go: she likes theatre, he likes theatre, they met while working on theatre. Pretty straightforward. Neither of them joined thinking "hey I hope I find my spouse here," (and he definitely wasn't thinking "well actresses are usually pretty hot so I bet the hotness level will be better if I try theatre...") they just wanted to have fun doing theatre.

I'm going to echo some of the advice above (I myself am 24 and female so I assume I know something of what mid-twenties women are doing/thinking).

1) Mid-twenties women (at least, the ones you'll encounter) are not often looking to settle down and have babies. The ones who wanted that already did it and are usually at home with their spouses instead of slamming shots at ladies night. At 24, my female friends fall into two categories: Married/Engaged, or Not Interested Yet. Consider dating women in their late twenties or early thirties, who are more interested in starting a family.

2) Women of all sorts, including the very attractive ones, meet their husbands by just doing what normal people do: working/going to school, spending time with friends, and pursuing their hobbies (socially, not in solitude). All my friends who are now married met their husbands through one of those three activities. Music is your only other passion? Join a community orchestra or band, or form a quartet/band/whatever of your own. Religious? Join a Bible study or prayer group. You're a teacher? Join some kind of education advocacy group. You get the idea.

3) Please note that although dance clubs and bars are supposedly where hot women go, those women also will often have their defenses at maximum because the creep level is high in those places. So while a woman might normally be receptive to you at, say, the kayaking club you're both in, she wouldn't allow you to buy her a drink at Club Bro because the shields are up.
posted by castlebravo at 8:35 PM on October 23, 2010


Oooooo. I've been debating whether I should sit here on my Saturday night and answer this question. I already decided not to go out this evening and going on Metafilter is the next better (because-I-don't-have-to-get-dressed) thing.

I'm not going to put caveats on this. I am a hot 28 yr-old woman. (I checked out y'all MeFite ladies' profile pictures and y'all are way too modest. It's okay to say you enjoy a great deal of the perks that come with good-lookingness. Play like you're Louis C.K. and own who you are.)

I married a man three inches shorter than me; he is also nine years older, bald, wears glasses, and came to our relationship with over $100,000 in student loan debt. He got that debt making his way from white-trash-poor to professional graphic designer. He is amazing.

Where did we meet? On a plane. Seriously. He sat down next to me on a connecting flight.

Some more context: I was in a relationship at the time, with a live-in boyfriend. As my husband has said many times, I'm the kind of girl that was born with a boyfriend. Puberty happened and I got boobs and an ass and suddenly, there were guys around. In the best case scenario: cleverly flirting. In the worst case scenario: lurking/stalking.

You know why I talked to my future husband on that plane? Because he pulled Howard Zinn's The People's History of the United States out of his backpack. He didn't know that I had gone to one of Zinn's lectures. OR that I had never been able to finish that damn book because even though Zinn was an amazing man, he was not the best prose writer.

And so I looked at my future husband and asked: "Are you reading that for fun or are you reading that for a class?"

And he said, "Actually, I'm reading it for fun."

And I said, "Yeah right."

We talked for five hours. We talked about giant squid, campfire ghost stories, politics, religion, dogs, jobs, dreams, life. We exchanged emails. We started out as friends, but it became pretty clear that we were going to have a hard time being just friends.

A year and a half later we were married. Crazy about each other. And immediately, we moved across the country to New York City.

You know what? It didn't go so well. He didn't like the city at all. I loved it. Times got rough.

I will not regale you with all the details, but what you need to know is that we are separated now. We live in different cities. We're not divorced, legally, and probably won't be for a while. We talk a few times a week. It is an unusual set-up and we're doing the best we can. The fact is I need to be in New York right now and he needs to be elsewhere.

Being married did not suddenly make men stop hitting on me, or make me stop considering men as mates (though the latter option grew louder when our relationship was at its worst). However, being married WAS a very real statement about who I wanted as my family and who I believed I could make a life with and raise children with and change with. It was such a real and powerful statement that all of those things remain true even after some pretty terrible shit and the fact that we live in DIFFERENT CITIES. Even in light of the fact that we date other people right now, sleep with other people right now (very openly, to each other's knowledge), and we are figuring this life out a little bit at a time.

Here is what you are supposed to learn from my story:

1) There is so such thing as settling down. Life happens in very unexpected ways. The couples that stay together do not stay together because they have "settled" but because they have decided that staying together is more important than EVERYTHING else in their lives and because they have a great many reasons to stay.
2) Attractive women always have options. Even after they get married.
3) Attractive women have such depths of emotion and life experience and even intellect! You don't even know. You don't even KNOW. You might not ever know. Attractive women are accustomed to you not knowing.
4) Attractive women, even booty-dancing and club-going women, have 30 times more experience than you in deciding, in under 2 minutes, whether you are a potential mate. And I don't mean a potentially fuckable attractive person. I mean, a potential MATE. She practices at this all day long. The world throws men at her feet all. day. long. Even after she's "yours" the world will continue to throw men at her feet all day long. The warnings about "trading up" are wise, even though they focus mainly on money. (Cinderella is still a popular children's story.) Attractive women can trade up for all sorts of betters.
5) You will meet people by meeting people. There is not one place. You work in a school, you go out with friends, you play in a band, you go to the grocery store, you travel on planes, you go to the movies, you go to the bar, you might even go to church...these places are full of people. Attractive women, even. You will meet those attractive women by either talking to them, or (more likely and really, YOUR BEST OPTION) by making yourself into the kind of person those attractive people want to meet (apparently fuq is this person?).

Which brings me to my last point: Pay really close attention to 1) the kind of attractive woman you want to meet and 2) the kinds of guys you keep seeing those attractive women around. You must, in some way, be an exceptional example of that kind of person in order to attract a woman who is beautiful and not mentally ill or a basketcase. Then again, maybe that's not really a caveat you care about? We all pick our crazy right? The crazy we can handle...;)

I wish you luck with your search. The drive to couple is strong and maddening.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 9:04 PM on October 23, 2010 [9 favorites]


I have always had a lot of male attention, and I think I could have had just about any guy I met. [...] So I didn't have to go places specifically to meet men. I never had to even think about trying to meet someone to settle down with.

This. I've never gone looking for a man; they've always just been there, attempting to start conversations with me. In the elevator, in line at the cafeteria, while putting gas in my car, while attempting to get my bicycle tire fixed, while walking down the street, while hauling a load of clothes into the laundromat. And none of those guys ever got anywhere, because I don't get involved with men who know nothing about me other than what I look like, and who can't think of anything else to say to me. The men I've gotten involved with have been those I got to know first: the drummer in my band, a co-worker, a friend of a friend, a guy who had an intelligent response to something I said on a social networking site. And I take a looooong time to get to know the guy first.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:42 AM on October 24, 2010 [5 favorites]


I met my super-hot french nurse girlfriend (no joke) on safari in Botswana. Try that one out.
posted by pollex at 6:43 AM on October 24, 2010 [3 favorites]


I know several people who are young and extremely attractive in a conventional sense who met their mates in bars or at the gym.

(I am also bothered by this question, however, I'm pretty sure you'd be appalled by what I'm looking for in a relationship too. Different strokes!)
posted by serazin at 7:51 PM on October 24, 2010


I was simply asking women who always found that the world turned around them somewhat, how they met the man of their dreams.

....precisely by not letting the man see/know how physically attractive she is.

30s, eh? Good grief.
posted by xm at 9:57 PM on October 25, 2010


Answering your question without preaching. Ironically I'd say your best bet is Church. Lots of pretty women (dressed nicely too.) The ratio in Christian churches definitely favors men. And the women who are looking *tend* to be looking for something lasting and deep.

Find one of those non-dogmatic non-denominational megachurches with a good singles program. Your testimony of being a former bad boy seeking redemption will play well there. You'll at least get a better initial reception than you've seen with the metafilter crowd. Of course your actions would have to bear your witness out over time. If you want steady, you'll have to prove yourself steady.

And, hey, the environment might do you some good too.
posted by cross_impact at 10:35 AM on October 26, 2010


i'm nthing that there is no specific place where you are gonna find a passel of beautiful women from which you can then choose to hit on. it's sort of a weird question to me, especially because you are so focused on beautiful women about whom the world revolves—which, let's just call a spade a spade here: it's really shallow that your question be focused on the purely physical attributes of a woman—and not just "attractive" but so attractive that the world revolves around them—as the basis for your search.

this may or may not be helpful because i'm certainly not model-y beautiful, drop dead gorgeous, or stunning by any means. however, since my late 20s (i'm now 38—and because i am asian, i've always told that i look about 10 years younger), i have regularly been stopped on the streets by random people—men and women, younger and older—who have told me that they think that i am beautiful, or ask me where i have been their whole lives, or been told that i am physically their ideal woman, etc—(in fact, this just happened today while my mother and i were walking in the park). friends have also told me that we will be walking down the street or in a bar or some other public place, and people will turn to look at me. but again, like i said before, i'm not conventionally beautiful. i have a unique look and excellent, albeit eclectic style, i suppose; one that seems to attract attention and that people remember. i am also a creative and even within that professional/semi-social circle, i know that my unique look is something that other creatives find attractive (i have been described as cute and hot and anywhere in between). this always surprises me because i felt very awkward and plain growing up—and even into my early- and mid-20s.

that said, i also rarely ever get asked out (this could also be a factor of most of my social circle being married or in long-term relationships); if i wanted to date at all, i usually had to do the asking. i'm fairly social so altho i have a small circle of close friends, i have a very wide circle of friendly acquaintances and acquaintances, and professional peers, and i have been, at various times, involved in different groups and organizations. i also go out at least once a week with friends, and i used to go to parties fairly often. nobody could ever figure it out why i didn't get asked out a lot but there it is. the guys i have dated i usually met through friends or on the internet. my current boyfriend and the guy i dated briefly before him, are guys with whom i actually had gone to high school…so just another data point about there not being any real concrete advice about attractive women and where/how to meet them.

another thing i want to reiterate is that, as others have pointed out: if you are only looking to choose from among incredibly, stunningly beautiful women in their 20s, you are going to run into problems, mainly because those women can pretty much date anyone they want so the likelihood that they will date you, an "older" attractive man who teaches middle school and isn't wealthy over an incredibly attractive man their age regardless of career or an "older" attractive man who makes a whole hell of a lot more money than you, or any other variation on those themes, is probably pretty slim because, really, what do you have to offer over those other options, all else being equal?
posted by violetk at 5:23 PM on October 27, 2010


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