What should I do about an assault five years ago?
October 18, 2010 6:28 AM   Subscribe

I was assaulted five years ago. I was a senior in high school. I "forgot" about it until recently, and now I can't stop thinking about it. What should I do now?

Perhaps the most frustrating part of this for me is that I can't remember many details. I was a senior in high school when an acquaintance brought me aside after class. We were outside by trailers that our school used for overflow classes. He started punching my face repeatedly, nailing me in the nose (which didn't get broken) and giving me a black eye. The injuries were minor. I didn't fight back. I vividly remember asking during the fight "why are you doing this?" After a while, he ran away and I walked through my school's longest corridor bleeding down the hallway. I can't remember the rest of the day.

I went to a well known, nationally prestigious public magnet school. Fights were/are a rare occurrence, and when high school rankings are released, the school proudly states that they have an average of less than one fight a year.

I don't remember much of what happened after that. I assumed that he'd be expelled or I'd never have to deal with him again, but he came back to school after a little while. I was known as a troublemaker, and I remember someone in an official capacity telling me that if I had thrown a punch back I would have been expelled. I heard two primary reasons for why he did it: first, because I had made fun of him in the weight room, which is possible but again, I don't remember. If this is the case--it's my fault, I was bullying him. Second, because he wanted to be expelled from his school but his strict parents would not let him drop out. I have a vague recollection that the school security officer told me I could press charges, but I don't really remember that conversation. I don't know the extent to which my parents were informed of anything, and they are the kind of parents to tell you to keep your head down and keep working.

All good, right? I "forgot about it." Flash forward five years. I graduated from college and think I'm generally doing pretty well. After the recent bullying and teasing stories in the media, this episode has started to consume my thoughts in a very real way. I re-experience the fight, and wonder why an essentially premeditated assault was not followed up on. I also become very worried when I can't remember important details, like whether it was in the fall or spring, or what the name of the security officer who handled my case was. I can't remember if the school told my parents or whether I did and I can't remember if I was informed of the results of the school board's decision. I also keep in regular contact with my high school friends and I'm very worried that they're thinking about that incident when they talk to me. Mainly the fact that no charges were pressed haunts me, like I wish I had done more at the time to close this part of my life. It's started to consume more and more of my idle thoughts. I'm angry at the school for not taking it more seriously (and protecting their stats/reputation), and my parents for not holding my hand and pressing charges, and I don't even know if I should be.

So what's next? Would a request to the school to look at the old files be productive or not? I'd like to know the date of the incident and they extent that they corresponded with my parents. Do I need therapy? Is this the kind of thing you get over?
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (15 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I don't know about the rest of it, but I once forgot a traumatic event for several years. When I was in fifth grade, I and a classmate did something which, in a freak accident, resulted in the serious injury of our teacher- she had already been injured by another kid in another freak accident, and we exacerbated it to the point that she had to give up teaching.

I don't know when or how, but I really, honestly forgot about it until someone brought it up two or three years later. At first I didn't even believe it- I thought the first incident had been the cause of her quitting- but everyone confirmed it. Now I remember bits and pieces, but I don't know what I'm actually remembering, and what I've just constructed out of what others told me.

All I can say is, yeah, it got easier to deal with. My unsettled feeling at not remembering was compounded by the fact that I was at fault (which you may or may not be). It bothered me immensely for a few years. I was not in therapy. But I did get over it. Really. (Therapy would have probably helped a lot, though.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:45 AM on October 18, 2010


Have you talked to your parents about this? They probably remember stuff that you don't. I don't think asking the school for records will do much good, and they probably wouldn't give them to you anyway. Try bringing up the incident with your closest friends from high school. You should also seriously consider talking to a therapist about this, you may be suffering from PTSD. Yes, you will get over this.
posted by mareli at 6:48 AM on October 18, 2010


Oh, also, you really, really want to get all the details, from the school, your parents, etc... I had this feeling too. Once I (re-)found out about what had happened, I asked absolutely everyone who had been in my fifth grade class about it. I'm not sure if I realized it at the time or not, but the reason I did that was because I was so freaked out at the gap in my memory- a memory which, previously to this incident, I'd had no reason to doubt at all- that it felt like my world was falling apart. I had to anchor myself with FACTS, as many as possible from as many sources as possible, to reassure myself that I wasn't crazy. To fill in the gap.

Will it help you to do the same thing? I don't know. I'm not sure if it 'helped' me. Honestly, talking to a professional would likely have been faster and more reassuring.
posted by showbiz_liz at 6:53 AM on October 18, 2010


If your anger/anxiety/obsession stems from the lack of consequences for your assaulter and/or support from your parents and the school, learning more about the incident is probably not going to make you feel better. If you're obsessing because you can't remember all the details, asking your friends or parents might help some but it might be better to try to just move past it. Either way, therapy might be a very good thing for you.

If you want to take action on this, maybe see if you can mentor a young person. You can never change what happened to you or how it was handled, but you can affect the outcome for a young person in that situation right now. Even if the person you mentor doesn't end up dealing with bullying (on either end), being a positive influence for them is a good thing and may very well help you too.
posted by radioaction at 6:58 AM on October 18, 2010


You need to get to a point where this isn't such a big deal to you. I'm not convinced digging around for extra information will do that.

I'm wondering if there's something that's happened to you recently that's triggered this thought process. It may be worth trying to identify what caused you to start down this path and deal with this newer thing first.
posted by seanyboy at 7:12 AM on October 18, 2010


IANAShrink This sounds like classic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. It may be resolved through thoroughly talking about it with friends, or you may find a therapist, who is skilled with PTSD, helpful.
posted by theora55 at 7:24 AM on October 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


If you're obsessing about it, it's probably coming up in your mind and thoughts for a reason. You may be ready, at this time in your life, to deal with the wounds/scarring from it. The mind is an amazing thing and knows when to bring things up for you to address.

A traumatic experience in my life was "just a faint memory" until thirty years later, when I had a supportive relationship and was in a place where I was ready and willing to deal with it.

Being assaulted as a kid does all kinds of things to your psyche, but at the core, it leaves you with a deep vulnerability and fear. You "cope" until you are ready to uncloak all the other stuff surrounding that core. Getting down to this could give you a sense of freedom and new empowerment.

I've gotten some therapy (even "equine therapy") that has brought up my experience, and I am experiencing a new freedom in my life I never expected. A security and release from this sense of paranoia and really personal (private) fear I never told anyone about.

I find that asking (in kind of a personal prayer) for help and for experiences in life to allow me to process and deal with an old wound is a big key. It seems like when I do this, and then am "on the lookout" for answers, that things and people (even movies I see, random things people say, someone mentioning a book they've read, a therapists' business card) come my way.
posted by sleeping beauty at 7:43 AM on October 18, 2010 [2 favorites]


I have extensive memory gaps, which can be distressing. I ask for help reconstructing events when I feel I need to know more about them, and knowing more seems to help in some cases.

If you can't stop thinking about the event itself, and feel upset about it, definitely see a therapist.
posted by moira at 9:21 AM on October 18, 2010


You might find EMDR with a trained therapist helpful to wrap your head around all the ways this event is affecting you today.

Other helpful things might include journaling about your memories, and feelings about those memories and/or seeking professional guidance about whether or not you have PTSD.
posted by morganannie at 9:36 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


"and wonder why an essentially premeditated assault was not followed up on"

...

"I went to a well known, nationally prestigious public magnet school. Fights were/are a rare occurrence, and when high school rankings are released, the school proudly states that they have an average of less than one fight a year."


That's why. Maintaining the school's reputation was more important to them than ensuring that you got justice. Sorry. People in authority suck sometimes. :(

"I also become very worried when I can't remember important details..."

Can you remember that level of detail for all the other sucky things that happened during high school? Probably not. In fact, it's a good sign that you don't have all these details still fresh in your memory because that indicates that it just didn't have that big of an impact on you and your life.

"I'm very worried that they're thinking about that incident when they talk to me"


Unlikely. They're probably too busy thinking about some painful/embarrassing high school incident of their own and worrying that you are thinking about that when you talk to them.

"So what's next?"

I don't know if you'll get much out of the school, but I think it's reasonable to ask your parents "WTF?!" about how much they knew about it and why didn't they do more. If you don't have the type of relationship with your parents where you feel comfortable and safe bringing it up with them, that's a bigger reason to seek therapy than being triggered by media coverage to reminisce on your own bullying experience.

Maybe looking up the bully and anonymously mailing him a box of poop ("revenge is a dish best served cold," after all) would help you get some closure.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:56 AM on October 18, 2010


I know that there is a website for my graduating class. I am sure there is one for yours also. You could use this as a jumping off point to find out where that guy is, and maybe contact some classmates who remember the incidents. That is, if your current friends are lacking in relevant information.

Your school may be reluctant to release information about the incident, but it can't hurt to ask for it.

Nthing the counseling suggestion.
posted by annsunny at 10:21 AM on October 18, 2010


I don't want to sound mean, but this seems so minor compared to all the awful horrible things that could have happened, and that happen every day to many people. Try to rationalize it and give it a few weeks before you take any unnecessary actions. Sometimes you should just let things go and move on - maybe you could use some more things in your life to think about like a new hobby or TV series even, or you are trying to keep focus off something else like an unhappy marriage. It might seem like being a special snowflake is becoming more and more common and even popular, but most sane rational people find special snowflakes bloody annoying even if they manage to be very polite about it most of the time.
posted by meepmeow at 10:58 AM on October 18, 2010 [1 favorite]


Ignore meepmeow. If this was traumatic to you, it was traumatic to you. Period.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 11:31 AM on October 18, 2010 [4 favorites]


> If this is the case--it's my fault, I was bullying him.

I may be projecting, because something like that happened to me once, but I think this might be a key part of it.

You're going over the question -- why weren't your school, your parents, your friends etc., more outraged on your behalf? Why would they encourage you, explicitly or implicitly, not to press charges?

And one reason that can't help suggest itself is, they blamed you. They thought you were such a mean kid that you got what you deserved.

That's a pretty rotten thing to have to think about yourself, even your much younger self. And I hope it's not true. But maybe that's the real issue you have to face? The real question you want to ask those people?

And for what it's worth, no amount of verbal unpleasantness justifies physical violence.
posted by AmbroseChapel at 1:22 PM on October 18, 2010 [3 favorites]


I call bullshit on the whole "can't remember" nonsense. You remember. You just don't want to recollect all the other things that surround this issue. Now, that may well be an entirely reasonable way to deal with a traumatic incident. This is where it'd probably do you a lot of good to seek the assistance of a therapist to help you untangle the whole mess.
posted by wkearney99 at 5:33 PM on October 22, 2010


« Older Previous job's toxic work environment has infected...   |   heating oil for an old house Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.