beggars can't be choosers.
October 15, 2010 6:30 AM Subscribe
i have never had a particular desire to have children, but i think the fact that my not having children will most likely be a matter of circumstance and not choice bothers me more than not ever having children. how do i avoid feelings of regret that the choice is no longer mine to make?
growing up, it's always been a vague notion that i'd get married and have a family but as i've gotten older, i've realized that the having children part doesn't have much of an appeal for me. the physiological aspects of pregnancy, especially, really squicks me out. it's not that i don't like children. actually, i nannied in college for babies and i love them. and i do have an intellectual curiosity about what my own biological children might look like and how they might turn out. but the actual desire to have them? not really. but i'd never had a burning desire to not have them either. i always figured it would come down to my partner: if he didn't want them, great; if he really wanted them, i would be open.
now that i am in a relationship with agood amazing man, i've all of a sudden found myself wanting this man's children. problems: i've recently turned 38 and he'd had a vasectomy before we got together. it's not even that i really want his children. it's just that he is such a wonderful, caring, good man; the kind of man anyone would want to have as the father of their children (he already has two young kids from previous marriage and as far as i can tell, is a wonderful dad).
we've talked about this issue on a few occasions. he knows how i feel about having children in general and about my perhaps wanting children with him in particular. he's said that if it became that big of a deal to me, we could have a discussion about it (one in which he would try to dissuade me) but i also feel that if i really, really wanted to have a kid, he'd probably agree to it.
the thing is, i wouldn't want one badly enough to go through what we'd have to go through to conceive a child, if that even happens. but the fact that it's not a choice i get to make is somehow something i think i will rue more than actually not having a kid. how do i mitigate those feelings? have you thought you never wanted children but felt (some) regret when the choice was no longer yours? how did you deal with it?
growing up, it's always been a vague notion that i'd get married and have a family but as i've gotten older, i've realized that the having children part doesn't have much of an appeal for me. the physiological aspects of pregnancy, especially, really squicks me out. it's not that i don't like children. actually, i nannied in college for babies and i love them. and i do have an intellectual curiosity about what my own biological children might look like and how they might turn out. but the actual desire to have them? not really. but i'd never had a burning desire to not have them either. i always figured it would come down to my partner: if he didn't want them, great; if he really wanted them, i would be open.
now that i am in a relationship with a
we've talked about this issue on a few occasions. he knows how i feel about having children in general and about my perhaps wanting children with him in particular. he's said that if it became that big of a deal to me, we could have a discussion about it (one in which he would try to dissuade me) but i also feel that if i really, really wanted to have a kid, he'd probably agree to it.
the thing is, i wouldn't want one badly enough to go through what we'd have to go through to conceive a child, if that even happens. but the fact that it's not a choice i get to make is somehow something i think i will rue more than actually not having a kid. how do i mitigate those feelings? have you thought you never wanted children but felt (some) regret when the choice was no longer yours? how did you deal with it?
If you can't go on without raising a child, there are tons who would want to be adopted.
The world cannot handle unrestrained population growth, so every set of good parents taking on 'spare' children is a win from each direction.
posted by pompomtom at 6:43 AM on October 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
The world cannot handle unrestrained population growth, so every set of good parents taking on 'spare' children is a win from each direction.
posted by pompomtom at 6:43 AM on October 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
The only details you've mentioned have to do with you biologically having or not having children. That is not the only way for you to have children. How do you feel about adopting?
posted by John Cohen at 6:44 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by John Cohen at 6:44 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
not even that i really want his children. it's just that he is such a wonderful, caring, good man; the kind of man anyone would want to have as the father of their children
You could always adopt. (On preview, what everybody else said)
But to answer your question - focus on what you do have. No, you don't have his children, but you do have this wonderful man in your life. And that's a heck of a lot better than not having him.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:48 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
You could always adopt. (On preview, what everybody else said)
But to answer your question - focus on what you do have. No, you don't have his children, but you do have this wonderful man in your life. And that's a heck of a lot better than not having him.
posted by MexicanYenta at 6:48 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing the idea of adoption. Tons of kids are stuck in the foster system because nobody will adopt them. Foreign, domestic, doesn't matter.
posted by theichibun at 6:49 AM on October 15, 2010
posted by theichibun at 6:49 AM on October 15, 2010
Response by poster: i have even less desire to adopt children. as it is, his children will eventually be a bigger part of my life.
posted by violetk at 6:50 AM on October 15, 2010
posted by violetk at 6:50 AM on October 15, 2010
how did you deal with it?
slightly different angle, as I'm male, but I viewed it not as a decision that was out of my control, but rather happiness that I was finally and truly open to that decision. No, it's not going to happy, but the knowledge that if it was truly possible felt like milestone in maturity and growth. Even thinking about now, as I write this question, fills with that special snowflake warm, glowly feeling.
No what does or does happen, you have grown. Revel in and be happy with that.
posted by nomadicink at 6:50 AM on October 15, 2010
slightly different angle, as I'm male, but I viewed it not as a decision that was out of my control, but rather happiness that I was finally and truly open to that decision. No, it's not going to happy, but the knowledge that if it was truly possible felt like milestone in maturity and growth. Even thinking about now, as I write this question, fills with that special snowflake warm, glowly feeling.
No what does or does happen, you have grown. Revel in and be happy with that.
posted by nomadicink at 6:50 AM on October 15, 2010
Feeling that a huge decision is being made FOR YOU is totally crazy-making. I was pretty sure I didn't want another kid... until I met a man who was even MORE emphatic about not wanting one. Perversely, that made me all neurotic and angsty - "Hey, my reproductive decisions are being made FOR ME GRRRRRRRRR!"
Honestly, I think having the Big Decision with your man - regardless of what you feel you want at this point - would be a phenomenal idea. I had a discussion with my boyfriend in which he said, "Y'know, if you wanted it, I'd be totally open to having a kid with you." And y'know what? My anger and angst and baby-lust more or less evaporated after that. It helped me regain SOME feeling of choice.
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:07 AM on October 15, 2010
Honestly, I think having the Big Decision with your man - regardless of what you feel you want at this point - would be a phenomenal idea. I had a discussion with my boyfriend in which he said, "Y'know, if you wanted it, I'd be totally open to having a kid with you." And y'know what? My anger and angst and baby-lust more or less evaporated after that. It helped me regain SOME feeling of choice.
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:07 AM on October 15, 2010
Big DISCUSSION, that is!
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:07 AM on October 15, 2010
posted by julthumbscrew at 7:07 AM on October 15, 2010
i have even less desire to adopt children.
Sounds like you don't want children. Problem solved.
posted by pompomtom at 7:11 AM on October 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
Sounds like you don't want children. Problem solved.
posted by pompomtom at 7:11 AM on October 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
I concur - have that discussion whatever you think the outcome might be.
Disregard the old saying - cross that bridge WELL before you come to it, to make sure it's sound :)
posted by greenish at 7:13 AM on October 15, 2010
Disregard the old saying - cross that bridge WELL before you come to it, to make sure it's sound :)
posted by greenish at 7:13 AM on October 15, 2010
So do you want kids or not? Or is this more about how you want it to be your decision? Enjoy his kids. They're yours now.
posted by theichibun at 7:16 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by theichibun at 7:16 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
have you thought you never wanted children but felt (some) regret when the choice was no longer yours? how did you deal with it?
Hmm, maybe I misunderstood you with my earlier reply.
Are you bothered by the fact that eventually you won't be able to have children at all, due to getting older or by the fact that your SO isn't too keen on having another child, even though you're interested in having his specific kid?
posted by nomadicink at 7:20 AM on October 15, 2010
Hmm, maybe I misunderstood you with my earlier reply.
Are you bothered by the fact that eventually you won't be able to have children at all, due to getting older or by the fact that your SO isn't too keen on having another child, even though you're interested in having his specific kid?
posted by nomadicink at 7:20 AM on October 15, 2010
I am 6-and-a-half-feet tall, and I love sportscars and convertibles. Most of them are so small that I will never be able to comfortably drive one. I sometimes think about that and get sad, but console myself with the knowledge that not everybody gets to do everything in life. Some of us have kids, some don't. Some drive sportscars, some don't. Some write great novels, some have beautiful singing voices, some create beautiful paintings. But many of us don't.
So to your very specific question how do i avoid feelings of regret that the choice is no longer mine to make?, you don't avoid those feelings, you confront them and have a conversation with yourself about all the awesome things you are able to do.
posted by jbickers at 7:23 AM on October 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
So to your very specific question how do i avoid feelings of regret that the choice is no longer mine to make?, you don't avoid those feelings, you confront them and have a conversation with yourself about all the awesome things you are able to do.
posted by jbickers at 7:23 AM on October 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
I think that you aren't as impotent as you might think. You've made the decision to be with your partner. That decision comes with the consequence of not having children, granted.
Yes, these decisions are sometimes made separately, but not always. Nevertheless, the decision to be with him is yours and yours alone.
By analogy I might choose to have caffeine or not and I can, often independently, choose to have coffee or not. Yet sometimes there is no caffeine-free coffee around. In those cases the decisions are not separate. Nevertheless, I can still choose to have caffeine or not. My autonomy is still intact.
posted by oddman at 7:27 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, these decisions are sometimes made separately, but not always. Nevertheless, the decision to be with him is yours and yours alone.
By analogy I might choose to have caffeine or not and I can, often independently, choose to have coffee or not. Yet sometimes there is no caffeine-free coffee around. In those cases the decisions are not separate. Nevertheless, I can still choose to have caffeine or not. My autonomy is still intact.
posted by oddman at 7:27 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Sounds like you don't want children. Problem solved.
As curt as it may sound, that was my reaction too.
You really, really don't want to get pregnant. And you really, really don't want to adopt. Hmm.
A couple points about this. One is the practical side: if you're not willing to do what it takes to have kids, then you're not willing to have kids. "Problem solved."
Of course, the problem isn't so easily solved, because meanwhile, you still have these feelings. But here's my other point. It sounds like you love the general idea of having "this man's children." That's lovely as long as you're looking at it through a blurred lens. Once you start focusing on some of the unsavory details of how this might actually happen, you get "squicked out." Unfortunately, the reality of having kids is a lot of icky details, year after year after year.
posted by John Cohen at 7:30 AM on October 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
As curt as it may sound, that was my reaction too.
You really, really don't want to get pregnant. And you really, really don't want to adopt. Hmm.
A couple points about this. One is the practical side: if you're not willing to do what it takes to have kids, then you're not willing to have kids. "Problem solved."
Of course, the problem isn't so easily solved, because meanwhile, you still have these feelings. But here's my other point. It sounds like you love the general idea of having "this man's children." That's lovely as long as you're looking at it through a blurred lens. Once you start focusing on some of the unsavory details of how this might actually happen, you get "squicked out." Unfortunately, the reality of having kids is a lot of icky details, year after year after year.
posted by John Cohen at 7:30 AM on October 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Consider yourself lucky? Not having kids ain't so bad. I miss not having kids. Not having kids is peaceful, quiet, and you get to do anything you want at any time. (Having kids isn't all bad, but here's all the bad things I can think of off the top of my head. These are all the things you're "missing out on") Having kids is brutally brutally hard. Babies are up all the time, there's formula, vomit and poop all over the house. Toddlers are dangerous and self destructive. Preschoolers are devious, rebellious and emotional. Once they're in school there's homework, PTA, fights, friends, meetings, sports. It never gets better, it just gets different. Kids are expensive, they take up all your time, if they're not around you worry about them, if they are around they're frequently annoying you, ignoring you or making you angry. They are destructive, loud, unappreciative and never let you do what you want. Again, having kids isn't all bad, but it's not all good either.
posted by Blake at 7:35 AM on October 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by Blake at 7:35 AM on October 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
You seem to have rather vague notions that a child might be nice, rewarding, fulfilling to raise with your "amazing" mate, etc. But I don't see anything in your post that indicates that you really want a child with all your heart. I'm of the belief that unless you want a child with all your heart, you shouldn't have one.
Let these recent notions pass and go on with living your life. I'm sure it's an excellent life. I'm your age, am married to a man who has had a vasectomy and have never seriously wanted kids. Certainly, I've had fleeting thoughts about what it would have been like if I did have kids, but those musings are like ships in the night. I love my life, and wouldn't want it any other way.
posted by MorningPerson at 7:43 AM on October 15, 2010
Let these recent notions pass and go on with living your life. I'm sure it's an excellent life. I'm your age, am married to a man who has had a vasectomy and have never seriously wanted kids. Certainly, I've had fleeting thoughts about what it would have been like if I did have kids, but those musings are like ships in the night. I love my life, and wouldn't want it any other way.
posted by MorningPerson at 7:43 AM on October 15, 2010
I am not a parent but I would say both partners being ambivalent about parenting doesn't sound like a great setup. Yes, it happens, but if you really want to overcome the vasectomy, etc, and have a bio kid, I think you should be a little more definitive about it. Don't have a child just because you're curious about it. I totally understand the feelings about what it means to not have kids, etc., but I don't necessarily think having a kid is the only way to cope with the ambivalence, grief, role revisions, relief, whatever else you might be feeling about not being a bio-mom. Good luck.
posted by ShadePlant at 7:47 AM on October 15, 2010
posted by ShadePlant at 7:47 AM on October 15, 2010
Best answer: have you thought you never wanted children but felt (some) regret when the choice was no longer yours? how did you deal with it?
Absolutely! And like jbickers said, I sat with the regret for awhile. I acknowledged it, I was sad, I imagined how nice a baby could be. And then I set that aside, and reminded myself of all of the really great reasons I have for not wanting kids, and all of the good ways I can contribute to the kids around me without having babies of my own. It sounds like you might end up being a step mom to two great kids with an awesome dad you love - savor the good in that, and the good in also having time with just the two of you and no kids.
posted by ldthomps at 7:49 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Absolutely! And like jbickers said, I sat with the regret for awhile. I acknowledged it, I was sad, I imagined how nice a baby could be. And then I set that aside, and reminded myself of all of the really great reasons I have for not wanting kids, and all of the good ways I can contribute to the kids around me without having babies of my own. It sounds like you might end up being a step mom to two great kids with an awesome dad you love - savor the good in that, and the good in also having time with just the two of you and no kids.
posted by ldthomps at 7:49 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yeah, don't give in to this kind of self-analysis, it goes nowhere -- especially if you are generally fulfilled by your life. I offer you this quote from Sylvia Plath's "The Bell Jar," a great example of how destructive this kind of thinking can be:
"I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story. From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out. I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet."posted by hermitosis at 7:49 AM on October 15, 2010 [48 favorites]
read this (via metafilter, this week)
posted by iiniisfree at 8:21 AM on October 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by iiniisfree at 8:21 AM on October 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
how do i avoid feelings of regret that the choice is no longer mine to make?
Realize that not choosing all along was your choice, and stop thinking of yourself as an unwitting victim of chance. Where you are today is a direct consequence of your actions. Own them.
But about where you are today: it sounds like this new wonderful man in your life is a great turn of events, and you may have a chance to be a part of his kids' lives if you are open to it. You can be part of a loving family without going through the physiological ick. Why can't you see how awesome that is? I can see it from here.
posted by fritley at 8:25 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Realize that not choosing all along was your choice, and stop thinking of yourself as an unwitting victim of chance. Where you are today is a direct consequence of your actions. Own them.
But about where you are today: it sounds like this new wonderful man in your life is a great turn of events, and you may have a chance to be a part of his kids' lives if you are open to it. You can be part of a loving family without going through the physiological ick. Why can't you see how awesome that is? I can see it from here.
posted by fritley at 8:25 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Like you, I am in my late 30's. I am currently with a partner who does not particularly want children. I am relieved that I'd formed a solid opinion about the subject before I got into a relationship with him, because I want to be very very sure that the decision to have kids - or not have them - is one that I would have made regardless of the person on the other side of the bed.
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last couple of years. Initially I began to consider the prospect of not having kids as an outcome of an excruciating breakup with the one person who'd expressed interest in procreating with me. I realized after the breakup that I'd regarded having kids as something I'd want to take on with the right partner. When I was single, I was of the mind that it seemed like too much to take on as a single person, but when I was in a couple I let my opinion be driven by the wants and opinions of my partner.
I watched my interactions with kids, and I watched my friends and relatives who had kids. And I watched the people who were trying to have them. Like you, I am great with kids, have worked in daycare, was a nanny, am an awesome aunt. I love my niece and my defacto nephews. Love, love, love them.
And I decided that I was going to choose to be happy with the children in my life, with my role as the favorite aunt. I made the decision to be happy with what I have, and not some fictional future that could be. I hear stories about women who realize at 42 that their time is running out who become obsessed with fertility, IVF, adoption etc and how their entire lives become focused on that one thing, how they are seeking something that they might not be able to realistically have, and it consumes them.
(This is not a judgment on people who want to have kids and go through whatever lengths to have them.)
I don't want to be consumed with something that I cannot have. Just because I cannot have them does not need to translate into wanting to have them. I figure if I am, at 37, pretty opinionless on the idea of having kids one way or the other, then it's a pretty good sign that I'll be fine if it doesn't happen. So I chose it. I don't have kids, I will not, and I am going to be happy with that decision. I will be happy with the kids in my life and being the awesome aunt that I am.
posted by 8dot3 at 8:29 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I've spent a lot of time thinking about this over the last couple of years. Initially I began to consider the prospect of not having kids as an outcome of an excruciating breakup with the one person who'd expressed interest in procreating with me. I realized after the breakup that I'd regarded having kids as something I'd want to take on with the right partner. When I was single, I was of the mind that it seemed like too much to take on as a single person, but when I was in a couple I let my opinion be driven by the wants and opinions of my partner.
I watched my interactions with kids, and I watched my friends and relatives who had kids. And I watched the people who were trying to have them. Like you, I am great with kids, have worked in daycare, was a nanny, am an awesome aunt. I love my niece and my defacto nephews. Love, love, love them.
And I decided that I was going to choose to be happy with the children in my life, with my role as the favorite aunt. I made the decision to be happy with what I have, and not some fictional future that could be. I hear stories about women who realize at 42 that their time is running out who become obsessed with fertility, IVF, adoption etc and how their entire lives become focused on that one thing, how they are seeking something that they might not be able to realistically have, and it consumes them.
(This is not a judgment on people who want to have kids and go through whatever lengths to have them.)
I don't want to be consumed with something that I cannot have. Just because I cannot have them does not need to translate into wanting to have them. I figure if I am, at 37, pretty opinionless on the idea of having kids one way or the other, then it's a pretty good sign that I'll be fine if it doesn't happen. So I chose it. I don't have kids, I will not, and I am going to be happy with that decision. I will be happy with the kids in my life and being the awesome aunt that I am.
posted by 8dot3 at 8:29 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm probably repeating, in a sense, some good advice I've already scanned by, but as I tell my kids: "I believe it was the 20th century philosopher Michael Jagger who said 'You can't always get what you want.'"
But I do that to annoy them. A better quote is from Robert Frost: "Two roads diverged in a narrow wood..." you know the rest.
I'm married with 2 sons of my own. I love them (and their mom), but there are days I wonder what it would have been like to have spent my 20s and 30s dating around, being single, saving (and spending) money on myself, etc. etc. I don't want to call it regret, but sometimes when the kids are being particularly stupid or I see a really cool car go by that I can't afford, it feels a bit like it.
My point is - no matter what you do or did, there is always a way to see it as "I could have done the other thing."
Life is a one-way ride, there are no mulligans, and there are several mutually exclusive paths. Marriage and children are two of the biggees. It sounds from the way you framed your question that it's not so much the children you want as some magical ability to do anything you want(ed), when you want(ed) it. If you consciously start to look at it that way, perhaps that will help. But your present attitude can be a really toxic habit to get into, so watch it.
Some of my childless (either by choice or by circumstance) friends compensate by being the "cool uncle/aunt" for their kids friends. I can say from experience when I was a child and a young adult - there are not enough of those in the world. Sounds like you have a built-in opportunity with your SO's children.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:34 AM on October 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
But I do that to annoy them. A better quote is from Robert Frost: "Two roads diverged in a narrow wood..." you know the rest.
I'm married with 2 sons of my own. I love them (and their mom), but there are days I wonder what it would have been like to have spent my 20s and 30s dating around, being single, saving (and spending) money on myself, etc. etc. I don't want to call it regret, but sometimes when the kids are being particularly stupid or I see a really cool car go by that I can't afford, it feels a bit like it.
My point is - no matter what you do or did, there is always a way to see it as "I could have done the other thing."
Life is a one-way ride, there are no mulligans, and there are several mutually exclusive paths. Marriage and children are two of the biggees. It sounds from the way you framed your question that it's not so much the children you want as some magical ability to do anything you want(ed), when you want(ed) it. If you consciously start to look at it that way, perhaps that will help. But your present attitude can be a really toxic habit to get into, so watch it.
Some of my childless (either by choice or by circumstance) friends compensate by being the "cool uncle/aunt" for their kids friends. I can say from experience when I was a child and a young adult - there are not enough of those in the world. Sounds like you have a built-in opportunity with your SO's children.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:34 AM on October 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: violetk, I hear you. Whether to have kids or not is such a monumental choice in our lives - by far the biggest choice, I think - that it can be agonizing to truly figure out what you want. And then to feel like your decision is being made for you - well, that makes it that much harder. A lot of women feel like this in menopause - even some who have already had kids! It's sometimes the door closing that we fear the most, not the path that lies ahead.
I echo the posters above who say that sounds like you are actually OK w/not having kids. If it's never been a driving force in your life, then I think you'll be OK with solidly choosing not to have them - you're old enough to know. There are certainly lots of ways to get your baby fix, from babysitting to being the world's best stepmom/aunt/whatever to volunteering, if it comes to that.
Try not to feel like this choice is being taken from you, because it really isn't - you've been making your choices all along. And just because you're not hearing 'whatever you want is fine with me, honey' from your SO, that doesn't mean that the choice isn't still yours, with someone else (or by yourself) if it all of a sudden became that important to you. The biological part isn't that hard or impossible (I've been through it) if you do decide to try to conceive.
In short - allow yourself to grieve the passing of the possibility, and know that not only will you be fine, but you are actively choosing the life you wanted to live.
posted by widdershins at 10:01 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I echo the posters above who say that sounds like you are actually OK w/not having kids. If it's never been a driving force in your life, then I think you'll be OK with solidly choosing not to have them - you're old enough to know. There are certainly lots of ways to get your baby fix, from babysitting to being the world's best stepmom/aunt/whatever to volunteering, if it comes to that.
Try not to feel like this choice is being taken from you, because it really isn't - you've been making your choices all along. And just because you're not hearing 'whatever you want is fine with me, honey' from your SO, that doesn't mean that the choice isn't still yours, with someone else (or by yourself) if it all of a sudden became that important to you. The biological part isn't that hard or impossible (I've been through it) if you do decide to try to conceive.
In short - allow yourself to grieve the passing of the possibility, and know that not only will you be fine, but you are actively choosing the life you wanted to live.
posted by widdershins at 10:01 AM on October 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I chose a man with a vasectomy (and children from a previous marriage). I did not want children. We had a lot of fun and traveled alot. Somewhere along the line I did have "baby urges". Those feelings are usual even to those who have made a solid choice. I did nothing about the feelings and continued on. Now I am grandmother age and I have no regrets at all (that I did not find a way to have a child). If at any time I felt compelled to minister to a little one I could have, there is much need for that everywhere I look...and I have spent time with children (much to my surprise, I am"good with kids"). What I determined was that some people have a burning desire to have children and if the desire is only sporatic ---it will pass. I enjoy all the freedom I have and anytime I want to become pivotal in a young person's life, it's there for the asking.
posted by naplesyellow at 10:01 AM on October 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by naplesyellow at 10:01 AM on October 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
But you did make that choice. You chose to build a relationship with a man who has had a vasectomy and already has children of his own. You're making the decision, daily, to stay in that relationship.
posted by halogen at 11:54 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by halogen at 11:54 AM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Are you bothered by the fact that eventually you won't be able to have children at all, due to getting older or by the fact that your SO isn't too keen on having another child, even though you're interested in having his specific kid?
i'm not bothered by either of these facts, actually. i think what i may be eventually bothered by is that there wouldn't be an overt and active decision on my (our) part to say, "no, i do not want to have kids" because for all intents and purposes, the fact that he can no longer have kids means we, defacto, won't be having kids.
i don't know why this has become such a thing (albeit, by "such a thing" i mean, that i think about it ruefully every week or so—and not that i am consumed by it) for me lately now that marrying him/my life with him is an eventuality, and not just a vague notion i have that "oh one day, if i ever find someone i want to spend my life with" because i honestly don't think my not having children would tear me up or anything.
posted by violetk at 12:39 PM on October 15, 2010
i'm not bothered by either of these facts, actually. i think what i may be eventually bothered by is that there wouldn't be an overt and active decision on my (our) part to say, "no, i do not want to have kids" because for all intents and purposes, the fact that he can no longer have kids means we, defacto, won't be having kids.
i don't know why this has become such a thing (albeit, by "such a thing" i mean, that i think about it ruefully every week or so—and not that i am consumed by it) for me lately now that marrying him/my life with him is an eventuality, and not just a vague notion i have that "oh one day, if i ever find someone i want to spend my life with" because i honestly don't think my not having children would tear me up or anything.
posted by violetk at 12:39 PM on October 15, 2010
hm. This may not be helpful. But, well, I was married and didn't want kids, and then was hit with some kind of biological imperative in my mid-20s, and felt like I really, really did want to have at least one child. But my older then-husband, who already had two children from a previous marriage, really, really didn't. Fine. Time passed. The relationship suffered ups and downs. Okay — mostly downs. I decided to leave. I did leave (after being very specific that I was miserable and things needed to change, or I would leave). My husband convinced me to come back. When I came back, he told me that he now really, really wanted to have a baby with me. I really, really did not want to do that then, or at all, ever, ever (I thought).
Time passed (shorter than the first time now). I leave again, and this time I don't go back. I fall in love with the best, most beautiful, smart, funny, generous, authentic, fabulous man I could ever hope to find. And... Guess what?! He loves me, too!! We get together, we are deliriously happy. We know almost from the very beginning that we are meant to be together. We move in together almost immediately. We continue to be deliriously happy. Without going into excruciating detail, we make a series of choices that are not money/career-based, remain happy, but eventually think "what about children?" because time is running out on that. We decide that we really should; he wants to, and I also feel very much like I want this man's children. And the clock is running out, tick, tick! But I feel scared because we aren't financially secure, and we aren't "not-financially-secure-but-still-quite-young" the way a lot of other people end up having babies... we're rather quite mature, yet each of us, both together and apart, have consistently made choices that were more risk-taking, less careful, more devil-may-care, blah, blah. I don't feel like a proper parent or parent candidate, even though I had nearly perfect parents myself. My now-husband, however, seems like the dream-ideal dad, the best potential dad anyone ever had. That's almost enough, because I know I won't ever be a bad mother... but I'm definitely going to be an unconventional, possibly embarrassing mom. I realize that I'll still go a little bit crazy if I never have alone-time -- or will this be overcome by my mother-instinct? What if it isn't?! But then I soothe myself; I've always been very mothering and encouraging/nurturing to younger colleagues and friends; I am sort of self-centered in some ways, but have been sought out for and have been able to provide advice/nurturing/wisdom. How bad could I be? About my husband, I have no doubts at all. But the money. We have none. I can't have a baby this way; we need to choose new, more secure life paths if we are going to be responsible for a child! I'm also an ex-pat in a foreign country. I can deal with that okay for myself, but it brings up new dreadful ideas about the many ways I can fail my potential kid(s). &tc. Time passes. We eventually have a final-decision conversation about this at the last second and mutually decide that our road simply hasn't led that way. We won't pursue this at nearly 40.
The question is now quite moot (without a deal of insane scientific/medical intervention). I do sometimes have slight regrets, mostly because my husband would be a such a fabulous, perfect father — more than enough, probably, for my most likely odd motherhood (which I'd already calculated would resonate as particularly good or bad depending on the age/stage of our child). But it just didn't work out that way for us. That's what I tell people when they ask. It just didn't work out that way for us.
Neither of us were terribly for or against having children; both of assumed we would, eventually. And then both of us felt like we really wanted to do that together at some point... but it didn't come together. If it had been the most important thing for either of us, we would have found a way to do it, together or apart. We would have made different choices. We would have set up our lives in a completely different way. But we didn't.
Because we came together later in life, our periods (or at least mine) of being absolutely biologically driven to produce didn't coincide, and even when our instincts, passion, and intellectual acceptance eventually perfectly coincided, our circumstances didn't.
So. It was like a ticket we never cashed, and that can be sort of maddening if you think about it too much. But here's the way I view it: I don't get to have everything. That's pretty much it, really. I've had a ton of luck in my life, but I don't get to have every single thing. I'm happy that I've been so lucky and blessed to have had wonderful parents, an exciting, unusual, rather fulfilling life, and eventually true, true love (now 21 years together). Looking back, I feel like I have always eventually managed to achieve those things that were the most important to me... and I do now feel that having children wasn't one of those things, finally. Or else I would have had one or two, whatever the circumstances, because I pretty much do whatever I want to in the end. Having come to this realization, I don't feel bad about myself, even though I realize it sort of tosses me into a "no-mans-land" of feminine archetypes. I can live with that.
I don't know if this was at all helpful, but at least i hope you realize that you are absolutely not at all alone in having conflicted feelings. If I could go back and change things... I still wouldn't have children, even though I'm completely happy with my husband, and even if we were entirely financially secure. I definitely might have, at different points in my life, but I wouldn't now retro-cast motherhood on my past self... and I'm not at all a bitter, unhappy harpy of a woman, in case anyone wonders — quite the opposite!
posted by taz at 1:18 PM on October 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
Time passed (shorter than the first time now). I leave again, and this time I don't go back. I fall in love with the best, most beautiful, smart, funny, generous, authentic, fabulous man I could ever hope to find. And... Guess what?! He loves me, too!! We get together, we are deliriously happy. We know almost from the very beginning that we are meant to be together. We move in together almost immediately. We continue to be deliriously happy. Without going into excruciating detail, we make a series of choices that are not money/career-based, remain happy, but eventually think "what about children?" because time is running out on that. We decide that we really should; he wants to, and I also feel very much like I want this man's children. And the clock is running out, tick, tick! But I feel scared because we aren't financially secure, and we aren't "not-financially-secure-but-still-quite-young" the way a lot of other people end up having babies... we're rather quite mature, yet each of us, both together and apart, have consistently made choices that were more risk-taking, less careful, more devil-may-care, blah, blah. I don't feel like a proper parent or parent candidate, even though I had nearly perfect parents myself. My now-husband, however, seems like the dream-ideal dad, the best potential dad anyone ever had. That's almost enough, because I know I won't ever be a bad mother... but I'm definitely going to be an unconventional, possibly embarrassing mom. I realize that I'll still go a little bit crazy if I never have alone-time -- or will this be overcome by my mother-instinct? What if it isn't?! But then I soothe myself; I've always been very mothering and encouraging/nurturing to younger colleagues and friends; I am sort of self-centered in some ways, but have been sought out for and have been able to provide advice/nurturing/wisdom. How bad could I be? About my husband, I have no doubts at all. But the money. We have none. I can't have a baby this way; we need to choose new, more secure life paths if we are going to be responsible for a child! I'm also an ex-pat in a foreign country. I can deal with that okay for myself, but it brings up new dreadful ideas about the many ways I can fail my potential kid(s). &tc. Time passes. We eventually have a final-decision conversation about this at the last second and mutually decide that our road simply hasn't led that way. We won't pursue this at nearly 40.
The question is now quite moot (without a deal of insane scientific/medical intervention). I do sometimes have slight regrets, mostly because my husband would be a such a fabulous, perfect father — more than enough, probably, for my most likely odd motherhood (which I'd already calculated would resonate as particularly good or bad depending on the age/stage of our child). But it just didn't work out that way for us. That's what I tell people when they ask. It just didn't work out that way for us.
Neither of us were terribly for or against having children; both of assumed we would, eventually. And then both of us felt like we really wanted to do that together at some point... but it didn't come together. If it had been the most important thing for either of us, we would have found a way to do it, together or apart. We would have made different choices. We would have set up our lives in a completely different way. But we didn't.
Because we came together later in life, our periods (or at least mine) of being absolutely biologically driven to produce didn't coincide, and even when our instincts, passion, and intellectual acceptance eventually perfectly coincided, our circumstances didn't.
So. It was like a ticket we never cashed, and that can be sort of maddening if you think about it too much. But here's the way I view it: I don't get to have everything. That's pretty much it, really. I've had a ton of luck in my life, but I don't get to have every single thing. I'm happy that I've been so lucky and blessed to have had wonderful parents, an exciting, unusual, rather fulfilling life, and eventually true, true love (now 21 years together). Looking back, I feel like I have always eventually managed to achieve those things that were the most important to me... and I do now feel that having children wasn't one of those things, finally. Or else I would have had one or two, whatever the circumstances, because I pretty much do whatever I want to in the end. Having come to this realization, I don't feel bad about myself, even though I realize it sort of tosses me into a "no-mans-land" of feminine archetypes. I can live with that.
I don't know if this was at all helpful, but at least i hope you realize that you are absolutely not at all alone in having conflicted feelings. If I could go back and change things... I still wouldn't have children, even though I'm completely happy with my husband, and even if we were entirely financially secure. I definitely might have, at different points in my life, but I wouldn't now retro-cast motherhood on my past self... and I'm not at all a bitter, unhappy harpy of a woman, in case anyone wonders — quite the opposite!
posted by taz at 1:18 PM on October 15, 2010 [7 favorites]
Would it help you to try and journal out some markers of "next steps" with your amazing man? It sounds to me that you are sort of caught up in the great relationship that you have with this man and great relationships "progress" (or so society and the occasional hormones) to procreation. Perhaps it would do you some good to think more concretely about your future and assign some things that you want to share with your dude as progress. For instance, lets say that within 5-10 years you and him would like to be able to take a month long vacation in Africa.
There's the classic idea of if you choose to open one door you leave the others closed (I'm butchering this - hermitosis's quote does it better) but maybe it would help you to define for yourself what is behind your door that isn't behind the door you would have opened to have kids.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:33 PM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
There's the classic idea of if you choose to open one door you leave the others closed (I'm butchering this - hermitosis's quote does it better) but maybe it would help you to define for yourself what is behind your door that isn't behind the door you would have opened to have kids.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:33 PM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
now that i am in a relationship with a good amazing man, i've all of a sudden found myself wanting this man's children.
Good! Now, with your partner's permission, throw yourself into being the best goddamned step-mother you can be to his kids. Step-parenting is still parenting, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:12 PM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Good! Now, with your partner's permission, throw yourself into being the best goddamned step-mother you can be to his kids. Step-parenting is still parenting, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:12 PM on October 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
So you don't really want kids, but you're miffed that the decision not to have them was made by someone else? I think it's time to be a little honest with yourself, and admit that though these feelings are there, and you have every right to them, they're also a bit loopy! I mean, everyone does this sometimes, we have moments when what we know and how we feel are at odds with each other. That's the time to sit back, and have a good chuckle at ourselves and the odd ways that our brains work sometimes. When I catch myself in these sorts of contadictions, I'll usually tell a friend about it, I work it up as a funny story, we'll have a laugh and a glass of wine, and I feel much better after.
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:30 PM on October 15, 2010
posted by 5_13_23_42_69_666 at 5:30 PM on October 15, 2010
Much as I love the "Bolivia" essay there, I do kind of think that to some degree you were already choosing not to. If you weren't actively and determinedly looking for a babydaddy from the age of 30, if you kept using birth control with every guy you dated, and well, you chose to date a guy with a vasectomy... that's an active choosing to go without (at least for now/then). By choosing this guy, you chose to go without.
I hate to come out with this particular stereotype, but it seems like a good chunk of women who either actively or passively didn't want kids or didn't care one way or the other will "change their mind" when they partner up with a domestic guy who'd be "such a good father!" It sounds like this happened to you too. What to do from there... well, your life has mostly gone in a different direction, and if "he'd be such a good father!" isn't enough to drive you both into lots of surgeries and medical interventions, then... well, you'll live. I tend to think people should be hell bent on having kids, and it doesn't sound like you are.
You'll be okay.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:54 PM on October 15, 2010
I hate to come out with this particular stereotype, but it seems like a good chunk of women who either actively or passively didn't want kids or didn't care one way or the other will "change their mind" when they partner up with a domestic guy who'd be "such a good father!" It sounds like this happened to you too. What to do from there... well, your life has mostly gone in a different direction, and if "he'd be such a good father!" isn't enough to drive you both into lots of surgeries and medical interventions, then... well, you'll live. I tend to think people should be hell bent on having kids, and it doesn't sound like you are.
You'll be okay.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:54 PM on October 15, 2010
My mother wanted to have "this man's children" and my father wanted to have "her children." My parents are not remarkable in this respect. They also not remarkable in that not all of their children turned out as expected.
Why, even with today’s exciting medical technology it is still possible for conservative evangelicals to be have homosexual offspring.
Kids are kids. They appear on earth (usually) associated with but not necessarily like a set of parents.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:28 AM on October 16, 2010
Why, even with today’s exciting medical technology it is still possible for conservative evangelicals to be have homosexual offspring.
Kids are kids. They appear on earth (usually) associated with but not necessarily like a set of parents.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:28 AM on October 16, 2010
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And then there are people who are "meh" having a family. I don't know your life story, but I can imagine that when your friends were finding husbands/future fathers of their children, you were having your own adventures in life and love, and dating people who were equally uninterested at the moment in procreating.
It's hard to just wander around life until 38 and, surprise!, not have kids. You have already made these decisions, but not as consciously as pressing the blue button or eating the red pill. So here you are, with the life you have picked out for yourself. It sounds like you made a good call.
posted by zoomorphic at 6:41 AM on October 15, 2010 [8 favorites]