Logic vs Emotions re: the ex.
October 9, 2010 12:55 PM Subscribe
My ex told me he still has feelings for me and wants to see where things go. I'm not too happy with how he treated me in the past and I want to close the door for good, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. Deep down, I want to say "okay, let's see where things go" but I -know- that would be a bad decision. I'd like someone to pick apart my reasons so I don't go ahead and make the decision anyway.
posted by biochemist to human relations (44 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
- Dated but then broke up for about a month.
- He told me he still had feelings for me and asked me back out. I suggested we see if we can make it as friends first, but we ended up acting like a couple anyway. After a few weeks I told him yes I would like to be his girlfriend again, but he said he didn't feel a relationship was a good idea for him because the label made him focus too much on the person, to the detriment of the rest of his life. We continue on as before but without the label.
- We have a series of arguments over two weeks or so and the next time we see each other in person we realize we don't have feelings for each other. I told him I'd like to rekindle things; he declined and started dating someone else.
- I didn't talk to him for about two weeks, then we started speaking again.
- We get along fine, and on Sept 30th or so he tells me that he and the other girl were never exclusive, and that she wants to wait for sex so she's allowed him to sleep with others. He invites me out on the 2nd and we basically end up acting like a couple and sleeping together. I'm thinking it meant nothing since the night he told me he'd lost feelings for me we'd also been lovey-dovey.
- He and this other girl don't work out. He starts flirting with me sexually; I reciprocate but when he hints at sex in the future I told him no because I'd feel bad since I'm dating again. He got upset at this and told me he thought things were better between us; meaning he thought we had a shot at a relationship.
- I got considerably upset, told him I saw us talking again as nothing more than just-friends, pointed out that he just stopped seeing someone else and told him that his timing made me feel as if I was second-choice or that he only wants me because he's upset over her.
- He told me that wasn't the case and that he'd always had feelings for me, but that it was a matter of degree. He said he was hoping that telling me about this would be good news for us; I told him for it to be good news he would have needed to have chosen to stick with me during the times his feelings were waning, since feelings always wax and wane.
- He assured me he really did have feelings for me and that I wasn't second-choice over this other girl. He said that since they weren't exclusive he didn't stop considering others, and that when we spent time together and he held my hand/kissed me/etc it meant something to him and that it was special.
- I have trust issues and I'm trying to be more trusting in general so I -want- to believe him and believe that he has the best intentions even if he's going about this in a terrible way.
The problem is that I -do- want to date him. I'm at the point where I'm going out on dates with multiple people and I told him that if he wanted to be one of them that was fine. But deep down I -know- that's a dumb decision. But I'm afraid to close the door for good because...
- What if I do and end up regretting it? I kicked myself for not saying "yes" when he first asked me out again way back when because by the time I was ready he no longer wanted a girlfriend. What if that happens again or what if I say no and he gets back together with this other girl (he told me he didn't think it would work out with her but he said the same thing about me a month ago and now he's telling me he wants to try.)
- The main reason I want to say no is that I feel like he treated me poorly, and I don't trust him because there's something strange going on with him and his feelings for other people. It looks like he's in love with multiple people at any given time, or his feelings are really fickle, or he's not over someone and is trying to replace them... IDK. The speed with which he goes from person to person confuses me.
- But then I think, he's not a bad person and even though his timing is terrible he's probably reacting to some emotion that's part of what makes us all human. He confuses me a lot but I know emotions aren't rational and what if I'm wrong to write him off? I feel like... Yeah, he screwed up. But he's a genuinely good guy, we're all human, and we all make mistakes, and since I still have feelings for him I should give him another chance.
Lastly, I'm sorry for posting another relationship MeFi. I don't really have friends I can talk to about this, and when I post here it helps because I'm more likely to follow advice if a bunch of strangers tell me. As much as I think it's a bad idea to date him again I can't seem to convince myself not to do it.