Goin' to the chapel and gonna make people married
October 4, 2010 6:21 AM Subscribe
I'm performing a civil wedding ceremony for a friend, and not sure where to start. Looking for suggestions for wedding format, readings, etc
A good friend of mine has honored me by asking me to perform his wedding ceremony, a la Joey on Friends. I'll be getting a one-time certificate from the state allowing me to solemnize the wedding, but never having done this before, I'm looking for some help. I've been taking notes at weddings, and have some ideas, but what should a good civil wedding ceremony entail? I'd like to keep the whole thing to about 15 mins, and likely have one non-religious reading in there. The bride and groom are late-20's, so bonus points for any reading suggestion that harkens back to their childhood, and can then be interwoven into a story of life and love. I'm also running the rehearsal, so any pro-tips on things I'm probably not considering would be appreciated. A great example of this type of tip was at a wedding I attended this weekend: At a small outdoor ceremony, the JP had the bride and groom's immediate family switch sides in the front row, so the groom's family was on the bride's side - this allowed them to see the front of the person they were related to, as opposed to their butts.
I came across these threads already, but was hoping for updates/additional information. Thanks!
A good friend of mine has honored me by asking me to perform his wedding ceremony, a la Joey on Friends. I'll be getting a one-time certificate from the state allowing me to solemnize the wedding, but never having done this before, I'm looking for some help. I've been taking notes at weddings, and have some ideas, but what should a good civil wedding ceremony entail? I'd like to keep the whole thing to about 15 mins, and likely have one non-religious reading in there. The bride and groom are late-20's, so bonus points for any reading suggestion that harkens back to their childhood, and can then be interwoven into a story of life and love. I'm also running the rehearsal, so any pro-tips on things I'm probably not considering would be appreciated. A great example of this type of tip was at a wedding I attended this weekend: At a small outdoor ceremony, the JP had the bride and groom's immediate family switch sides in the front row, so the groom's family was on the bride's side - this allowed them to see the front of the person they were related to, as opposed to their butts.
I came across these threads already, but was hoping for updates/additional information. Thanks!
As for non-religious readings, I am very fond of "The Country of Marriage" by Wendell Berry, especially this part of the sixth stanza:
You are the known way leading always to the unknown,I also particularly like the very end of "Song of the Open Road" by Walt Whitman:
and you are the known place to which the unknown is always
leading me back. More blessed in you than I know,
I possess nothing worthy to give you, nothing
not belittled by my saying that I possess it.
Even an hour of love is a moral predicament, a blessing
a man may be hard up to be worthy of. He can only
accept it, as a plant accepts from all the bounty of the light
enough to live, and then accepts the dark,
passing unencumbered back to the earth, as I
have fallen time and again from the great strength
of my desire, helpless, into your arms.
Camerado, I give you my hand!posted by ocherdraco at 7:24 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I give you my love more precious than money,
I give you myself before preaching or law;
Will you give me yourself? will you come travel with me?
Shall we stick by each other as long as we live?
Best answer: I like this extract from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams (1881-1944):
‘What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. ‘Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?’ ‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’ ‘Does it hurt? Asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ‘I suppose you are real?’ said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse only smiled. ‘Someone made me Real,’ he said. ‘That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.’
posted by Gridlock Joe at 7:34 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
‘What is REAL?’ asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. ‘Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?’ ‘Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When someone loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’ ‘Does it hurt? Asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.’ ‘I suppose you are real?’ said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse only smiled. ‘Someone made me Real,’ he said. ‘That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.’
posted by Gridlock Joe at 7:34 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
Did the couple also ask you to put the ceremony together? We considered having a friend officiate our wedding, but were still going to plan the whole thing (readings, music, probably even blessings if we found something nice from a non-churchy traditional source) ourselves. Make sure expectations are clear before you go to a lot of work on this, in case they are doing the same work already!
As for rehearsals -- I've been in quite a few lately. Let everyone actually DO the thing they're going to do in the wedding, or at least fake it for a couple seconds. You don't need to hear the whole song, or even the whole reading if it's long, but give people a chance to see what it will be like without a giant audience making them nervous. Last time I was a reader, the pastor basically TOLD everyone what was going to happen, but we never walked through it. It could have been sent as an email rather than getting together for a rehearsal, and it left us all feeling pretty nervous about when and where and how we were supposed to go. Letting people actually DO the action -- walk up the aisle, go to the podium and read a few words into the microphone, etc. -- helps them remember, and makes them way less nervous.
Conversely, you don't have to read out your blessings or speech to the wedding couple or whatever else at the rehearsal. It really spoils the surprise on the big day, and honestly makes both the rehearsal and the wedding sermon pretty boring. Hopefully since you've agreed to do this, you're significantly less nervous in front of crowds than many bridesmaids, groomsmen, and readers.
posted by vytae at 7:38 AM on October 4, 2010
As for rehearsals -- I've been in quite a few lately. Let everyone actually DO the thing they're going to do in the wedding, or at least fake it for a couple seconds. You don't need to hear the whole song, or even the whole reading if it's long, but give people a chance to see what it will be like without a giant audience making them nervous. Last time I was a reader, the pastor basically TOLD everyone what was going to happen, but we never walked through it. It could have been sent as an email rather than getting together for a rehearsal, and it left us all feeling pretty nervous about when and where and how we were supposed to go. Letting people actually DO the action -- walk up the aisle, go to the podium and read a few words into the microphone, etc. -- helps them remember, and makes them way less nervous.
Conversely, you don't have to read out your blessings or speech to the wedding couple or whatever else at the rehearsal. It really spoils the surprise on the big day, and honestly makes both the rehearsal and the wedding sermon pretty boring. Hopefully since you've agreed to do this, you're significantly less nervous in front of crowds than many bridesmaids, groomsmen, and readers.
posted by vytae at 7:38 AM on October 4, 2010
From "A Gift From the Sea" by Anne Morrow Lindbergh
One recognizes the truth of Saint Exupery's line: Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. For in fact, man and woman are not only looking outward in the same direction, they are working outward. Here the bonds of marriage are formed. For marriage, which is always spoken of as a bond, becomes in this stage, many bonds, many strands, of different texture and strength, making a web of love that is taut and firm. This web is made of many kinds of love: romantic love first, then a slow-growing devotion and, playing through these, a constantly rippling companionship. It is made of loyalties, and interdependencies, and shared experiences. It is woven of memories; of meetings and conflicts; of triumphs and disappointments... The web of marriage is made in the day to day living side by side, looking outward and working outward in the same direction. It is woven in space and in time of the substance of life itself.
Love is the simplest of all earthly things.
It needs no grandeur of celestial trust
In more than what it is, no holy wings:
It stands with honest feet in honest dust.
And is the body's blossoming in clear air
Of trustfulness and joyance when alone
Two mortals pass beyond the hour's despair
And claim that Paradise which is their own.
Amid a universe of sweat and blood,
Beyond the glooms of all the nations' hate,
Lovers, forgetful of the poisoned mood
Of the loud world, in secret ere too late
A gentle sacrament may celebrate
Before their private altar of the good.
Arthur Davison Ficke
posted by mgogol at 7:54 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
One recognizes the truth of Saint Exupery's line: Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. For in fact, man and woman are not only looking outward in the same direction, they are working outward. Here the bonds of marriage are formed. For marriage, which is always spoken of as a bond, becomes in this stage, many bonds, many strands, of different texture and strength, making a web of love that is taut and firm. This web is made of many kinds of love: romantic love first, then a slow-growing devotion and, playing through these, a constantly rippling companionship. It is made of loyalties, and interdependencies, and shared experiences. It is woven of memories; of meetings and conflicts; of triumphs and disappointments... The web of marriage is made in the day to day living side by side, looking outward and working outward in the same direction. It is woven in space and in time of the substance of life itself.
Love is the simplest of all earthly things.
It needs no grandeur of celestial trust
In more than what it is, no holy wings:
It stands with honest feet in honest dust.
And is the body's blossoming in clear air
Of trustfulness and joyance when alone
Two mortals pass beyond the hour's despair
And claim that Paradise which is their own.
Amid a universe of sweat and blood,
Beyond the glooms of all the nations' hate,
Lovers, forgetful of the poisoned mood
Of the loud world, in secret ere too late
A gentle sacrament may celebrate
Before their private altar of the good.
Arthur Davison Ficke
posted by mgogol at 7:54 AM on October 4, 2010 [3 favorites]
I have done this before. I wrote a short bit about how they met (over milkshakes) and why they're a good match (lovable curmudgeons). I think the idea at the base of your friends wanting you to officiate is that someone that they care about and are close to... someone that knows them will be the one to run the show.
Anything from your innards will be infinitely more meaningful than picking out something written by someone else for someone else an eternity ago. Your friend--and believe me, he ran it by his bride-to-be before asking--picked you. That's what they want: You. Be simple and honest and you can do no wrong. Just mis dos centavos.
posted by Gainesvillain at 1:23 PM on October 4, 2010
Anything from your innards will be infinitely more meaningful than picking out something written by someone else for someone else an eternity ago. Your friend--and believe me, he ran it by his bride-to-be before asking--picked you. That's what they want: You. Be simple and honest and you can do no wrong. Just mis dos centavos.
posted by Gainesvillain at 1:23 PM on October 4, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
I would also think about the time involved in the ceremony relative to the other aspects of the day. Are there going to be a lot of attendants? If so, even though you talk about keeping the ceremony to fifteen minutes, make sure that the ceremony lasts longer than it takes for the wedding party to enter the space for the ceremony. An easy way to do this is to include music in the ceremony. A musical interlude just after the vows, but before presenting the couple to the assembled and sending everyone on their way is particularly nice—it lets everyone (but especially the couple being married) reflect on what has just occurred, and gives the whole thing a little more gravity.
posted by ocherdraco at 7:19 AM on October 4, 2010