Where do I draw the line with my mom?
October 2, 2010 2:02 PM Subscribe
How can I begin to disengage myself from my parents (read: mother) so that I no longer feel anxiety and guilt when I handle or approach a situation my way, particularly when it comes to dating?
posted by patronuscharms to human relations (28 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
I just graduated from college and had moved across the country to live in NYC but had to move back in with the parents to save money and what not. I am female, an only child, and my parents and I are very close in some ways but not close at all in others. Lately I have been feeling very, very anxious and distraught over the fact that I created a profile on OkCupid and met some wonderful guys there because my parents, and my mother in particular, do not approve of these sorts of things. I had a very distressing fight with my mother two nights ago over my desire to meet at least one of the guys for coffee with some of my friends, and despite the fact that I did background checks on all of these dudes, she is convinced that I was going to meet with them and do bad things without her approval or her knowledge.
Now, look. I'm a bright kid. I've had my share of bad experiences with boys I don't know. I'm not about to go to some dude's house when I've never met him and put myself in danger. However, now that the above convo has happened, I feel tremendous guilt and anxiety whenever I talk to these wonderful new friends because I believe that my mother will be perpetually standing in the way of me branching out into the social sphere because she believes I am "desperate" and subsequently "not thinking right". She has always felt that I am "desperate" when it comes to dating, which, after years of therapy, is something I've decided is not true.
How can I soothe myself when I begin to feel panicky about doing something for ME when I know I've taken all the possible steps to ensure that these guys are legit, despite my mother's valid, though over the top, response? Am I being unreasonable or naive? I feel like the world is fraught with danger in all areas, but if I live my life completely as though I'm a victim I'll never feel like I'm growing.