Not really a "should I have an only child" question, but sort of.

September 30, 2010 3:43 PM

Do I need to birth more "family" for my son, or should I let this panic pass?

I am 40 years old, soon to be 41. I have recently decided to cut my out of state siblings out of my life, as they have toxic personalities and have caused me stress and (temporary) high blood pressure for the last time. I always self-medicate after seeing or speaking to them, whether it is food, alcohol, old anti-anxiety drugs, etc. Yes, I have covered this in therapy.

This leaves me with one elderly parent, not in my state. My husband also has one elderly parent, also not in our state. We have a small child, and no cousins to speak of. Nor have we created a "family of friends" that many people with no close family seem to be able to do. My best efforts to do this always seem to come to naught.

I suddenly feel a crushing panic that we need to get pregnant in order to provide my son with "more family." I know there are many risks of pregnancy as an older mother, please do not feel the need to mention this. Also, it is really ironic, because my son might not get along with any other child we have, much like I do not get along with my siblings. I just don't know what to do, or rather, should I do nothing at all. We are not interested in adopting, or fostering a child.

posted by anonymous to human relations (40 answers total)

While large family units are standard for a lot of people, they're not a universal need. We make families from the people we meet in life, and your son will do the same. It's okay.
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 3:48 PM on September 30, 2010 [6 favorites]

I can't answer your question about what you should do, but I can offer a few things to think about:

First, I'm an only child. I really didn't mind it all as a kid. I had cousins and I had friends on my street to play with and kids at school to play with. However, as an adult I really wish I had siblings. I think people sometimes forget that siblings aren't just for kids. Adults get a lot of social support from their siblings too (though, as you've found, there are no guarantees). I regret not having support from siblings and I worry about what will happen when my parents need care and there is only me.

Second, you say you haven't cultivated a "family of friends". However, you also said your son was young. There's plenty of time for you to cultivate your friendships.

Three, "panic" doesn't seem like a very good basis for making a decision about having a child.

Fourth, on the risks of pregnancy at 41, I think I've heard that the risks are primarily for first time older mothers and that the risks aren't as great if you've already had a child. This could be completely wrong, so you should talk to your doctor about what specifically your risks might be.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 3:50 PM on September 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

He'll probably get married someday or get into a relationship with a man or woman, and it really won't be a problem.
posted by anniecat at 3:53 PM on September 30, 2010

While large family units are standard for a lot of people, they're not a universal need. We make families from the people we meet in life, and your son will do the same. It's okay.

I can't emphasize how correct this is.
posted by josher71 at 3:57 PM on September 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

Emphasize enough, rather.
posted by josher71 at 3:57 PM on September 30, 2010

I was an only child until I was a teenager, when I gained two step-brothers. I'm in rare contact (usually through him visiting our parents) now with one step-brother, and not in contact at all with the other.

I don't feel, aged 42, that I'm missing anything because I don't have siblings. I admit to fretting before becoming a mother that my children wouldn't have 'natural' aunts and uncles, but as their father has three brothers, that turned out to be a non-issue.

As your son gets older, he will cultivate his own 'family of friends' through school, sport, and relationships of all sorts. He'll be fine.
posted by malibustacey9999 at 4:02 PM on September 30, 2010

I'm an only child and my folks don't have much family due to some estrangements. Really, it's okay.

I am devoted to my non-biological chosen-family members and will readily defend the concept of chosen family. But with no ill will toward my parents whatsoever for not giving me siblings (which they could not anyway.) I agree with their estrangements and feel bad for people who suffer through toxic relationships with blood family out of obligation. My SO comes from a big, close family, and he totally understands chosen family as well, so I'm pretty sure it's not some sort of sad compensation for poor me without siblings.
posted by desuetude at 4:04 PM on September 30, 2010

I think if you set the example of making family out of friends - your son will do the same.

This is also also an opportunity to teach your child why it's important to pick good people to make friends with. Not by sitting down and being all 'Okay now we're going to teach you about blah blah blah' but by talking positively about your friends and WHY they're important in your life... why you're glad you have them in your life and how they make your life happier, etc.



-- Kids absorb things like that. And remember them forever.
posted by mittenbex at 4:05 PM on September 30, 2010

> we need to get pregnant in order to provide my son with "more family."

This doesn't seem like an adequate reason, in and of itself, to have another child.

Obviously, kids' temperaments vary; what if you have a child who doesn't want siblings?

You've mentioned the problematic relationship you have with your own family-- bluntly, it seems like this panic about "What if my son needs more family?" is a projection of your own anxieties onto your child.
posted by darth_tedious at 4:09 PM on September 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

I don't think anyone can answer your question, really. Here's my thoughts based on my life.

I'm just about to have my first. I'm 35. Once we decided to take this plunge I figured we were in for two kids minimum. But, I've been rethinking that. First in my mind is my age and career. My career right now is bouncing along the bottom of the barrel as our economy does its thing so this is a great time to be pregnant! However, I certainly hope that it won't stay in the dumps and that by the time this little sprog is holding its head up, I'll be having better prospects. To take another break in a year or two when I'm older just doesn't seem like a great idea.

I've got an older brother and a younger brother. Our relationships are not close and my older brother and I had a really tumultuous childhood together. Before my Dad got sick last year, we would go a year without speaking and years without seeing each other.

Since my parents had us kids starting late and their last when my mom was in her 40s, they have still been supporting my youngest brother. Guess what, that really cuts in to their retirement savings. If they had opted not to have my younger brother well, we'd all be less blessed and he surely is their favorite child but I know the financial picture would be a lot prettier. Right now the big plan is for the youngest to support my mother in her waning years. I do hope it works out for them.

I have lots of cousins on my mothers side. I grew up with them -- not in the same town but saw them frequently over the years. After family conflict when my grandparents died, I no longer speak with them or hear from them. The ones who aren't out and out crazy have just sort of drifted off. It's sad that I feel like I have no family but that's the way it is. I don't think there's a one person in my family that I can count on.

Now, my husband gets along great with his sister. They can count on each other. They will support each other in caring for their parents if it comes to that. But, I don't know which is rarer: siblings that support each other or siblings that grow their own separate ways.

Also, I'm no sibling scientist but almost all the single kids I've met wished they had a brother or sister and many of the people that had siblings have misgivings about the whole endeavor. There's a grass is greener thing going on here, I'm sure. I would have absolutely loved to have siblings or cousins who weren't crazy and were dependable and loving. I don't have that.

Anyway, for me, I'm seriously thinking that maybe an only child is not such a bad thing. Our resources are not limitless. We do have friends with kids who will be around the baby's age and husband's sister also has an infant and a toddler. Maybe this kid will have those kinds of friends and cousins that are just like a sibling. Who knows? I just don't know if we can do college for two, take more than one kid to see the world like both husband and I were able to do, and save for our own grey years so that our kid won't have to.
posted by amanda at 4:09 PM on September 30, 2010

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posted by A Terrible Llama at 4:09 PM on September 30, 2010

"More family" does not necessarily require more people.
posted by rhizome at 4:11 PM on September 30, 2010

Some anecdata for you: my mom does not get along with her siblings at all. Nevertheless, she decided I needed to have a sibling so I wouldn't be lonely. I don't get along with my brother at all. Her well-meant plan failed pretty spectacularly, so I would say that having another kid to go with your first kid is not a sure bet.

Musing out loud, I kinda think that Mom's bad family dynamic made her unable to provide examples of healthy affectionate sibling relationships. My brother and I kind of absorbed the idea that siblings = enemies, or at least = crazy people who drive you insane but you can't actually get away from until you're old enough to move out of Mom's house and then Mom will keep fluttering around trying to get you like each other (because she feels guilty about her own terrible sibling relationships and you're supposed to compensate for them) and that just makes it worse. So it's possible that your hypothetical second kid might create a situation where things end up being worse for both kids. Actually, I'm pretty convinced it would be worse, but what do I know? I never learned how to like my brother.
posted by Quietgal at 4:12 PM on September 30, 2010

I'm an only child. Sure, I'm socially odd and bookish, but another kid around to tease me after school as well as during it wouldn't have changed that.

I can tell you this: more than one person has confessed to me that their parents had a second child simply because they felt that the child needed a sibling -- and the resentment of that second child by the first one never, ever ceased.
posted by Countess Elena at 4:16 PM on September 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

When I asked this question I got a lot of really fantastic answers, and I still refer to it now and again. The response I marked as best answer (by the aptly named thinkingwoman) said "i'm guessing you lived in one place for your entire childhood and are just having trouble imagining how your kids will cope, which is leading you to feel guilty. don't."

My question was about relocating with my very small nuclear-only family, but I think you will find some valuable advice in the responses. As I said in that thread, "I only have my own experience to go on, and although it was far from the most ideal upbringing, it's still the standard in my head. That my kids won't have my experience of living in one place really isn't a bad thing, just an unfamiliar thing."
posted by headnsouth at 4:23 PM on September 30, 2010

I'm an only child; growing up I had my parents and my grandparents around and usually one aunt who lived in town, along with three other aunts out of state. I have no cousins on either side of the family.

The result was that I was very much raised by adults, mostly my parents, without a large extended "family of friends". My parents generally conversed with me on an equal level, so I learned to talk like an adult, rather than a kid. This served me well in the long run and led to people thinking I was a lot smarter than I actually am, but also was occasionally alienating; I didn't relate to other kids as well as some people did. The friends I did make I got pretty close to, though-- I was a weird kid, but I wasn't picked on too much or anything.

Anyway, I turned out pretty okay with no cousins/siblings/etc. People are frequently surprised at how small my family is when I tell them about it. I wouldn't worry too much about producing more people just so your kiddo has a larger family.
posted by NoraReed at 4:28 PM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am the only child of an only child of an only child. My father exited our family forever when I was nine months old, and I was raised in a "family unit" of my mom, her mother, and her stepfather (whom I only ever knew as my grandfather - no step-qualification). I never had aunts, uncles, or cousins.

My husband is the eldest of four surviving children, and he comes from a large polish family, with literally dozens and dozens of cousins on both sides.

My husband and I have a son, who is now four. We would desperately like to have another child (because the one we have is so awesome, and babies are cute), but circumstances and finances dictate that we probably won't.

Now that my grandparents are gone, its just me and my mom, and in some ways that is kind of hard. I do have the odd feeling that when she's gone, I'll be the "last of my line" (whatever that means) without blood relatives to turn to if I should need to lean on them. Its a weird, lonely sort of feeling - made weirder by the fact that of course I have this terrific family (and "chosen family") that we've built.

I would never, ever advise someone to have another child because of a sense of panic. But the feeling that our family should be bigger, or wouldn't another baby be terrific, or even "I wish my son had a sibling to play with" -- all those are totally valid reasons to think about having another child. But between my husband's big family and my tiny one, I think I actually prefer the tiny one -- less drama and shouting.

I will say, though, that finding good friends that feel like family to you -- keep working on that part. Being part of a social community is, on a day to day basis, of far more support and help to us than having a big family is/would be.
posted by anastasiav at 4:30 PM on September 30, 2010 [3 favorites]

Another anecdote: our second was smiled upon because "only children are so lonely" but, as it happened, one of them terrorized the other in every way possible for decades until he (saddest story in the world) met an early death. The remaining son, although somewhat emotionally battered is a marvelously bright and successful adult, has created his own chosen family, and continues to be the most joyous miracle of a son anyone could hope for. (He's the younger brother.)
posted by Anitanola at 4:43 PM on September 30, 2010 [2 favorites]

Your proposal to have more children so that your son will have family sounds like a terrible idea. I recommend against it. This doesn't imply that you are a terrible person or foolish to think it. You'll never have great ideas unless you cook up some awful ones.
posted by humanfont at 4:51 PM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'm the oldest of three, with a brother who is a few years younger than me, and an adopted sister who is a decade younger than me. I love my family, but I wouldn't call us remarkably close. We tend to keep things to ourselves. Getting together with family becomes An Event, not necessarily on a grand scale, but something my parents feel the need to schedule and organize, even though we're not organized or timely. When we're all home, we tend to do our own things, which has always been fine with me. My parents' families feel the same way - loving and friendly, but not exactly a well-bonded group of people. Love 'em all to death, but we don't really just "hang out" too well, and I'm fine with that. I'm the oldest of my mother's side of cousins, and the youngest (except my siblings) on my father's side, so I've never really felt a bond with cousins. There was one wild family reunion of epic proportions, but that was a one-time event, and it could probably be replicated by joining enough family friends together.

My wife is the second of four daughters, who are a lively bunch who moved around a lot, so they're all really close. The sisters used to call each-other frequently, ditto the parents, to the point where others were concerned if they hadn't heard from someone in a week, but everyone is going their own way moreso, so phone calls are less frequent, but still long and detailed.

Sometimes I envy their family dynamic, and sometimes I love the fact that my family leaves each-other be. My brother is very social, and my sister was moreso, but now she's sort of settling down, which is odd to see from a distance, but we've all survived our upbringing.

I have a family friend who is a brilliant only child, whose family relations were not near-by. She, along with other family friends, were our family growing up. That family group went on trips of all sorts, spring and fall gatherings to see plays and get pumpkins from random little patches some miles away. We went skiing together each winter, and went to the beach in the summer.

Family is whoever you make it. Many kids grow up as the only children and are fine, and if they're social, they'll make their own friends. My brother bloomed in high school, and has a great group of friends now. I've always been an odd duck, feeling awkward in groups, but I had a sibling and friends growing up. In my view, I'd say you shouldn't fret. Enjoy your life, raise your son with loving people. If they're related, great. If they're not, great. Blood is not the only bond.
posted by filthy light thief at 5:09 PM on September 30, 2010

As to your concern for not making a "family of friends" - you can try to find more interest groups to join, or just do interesting things with your family and you might find more like-minded people. Take your son to classes and get him to try sports, and you and/or he will find similar folks.
posted by filthy light thief at 5:11 PM on September 30, 2010

Seconding what filthy light thief said. My brother did that through having one of his kids enrolled in karate. The Sensei is from Japan, so he runs it like a traditional dojo. Many, if not most, of the families socialize together, and they all get together for an annual camping trip too.
posted by annsunny at 5:24 PM on September 30, 2010

To the OP, I feel you; I would like another myself. But, my thing is, it's only partially about my current one. Most of it is just me, wanting a bigger family. Because yeah, siblings don't always get along.

But sometimes they do. My only full sibling and I fought a lot but also liked each other once we got older, and I enjoy seeing him now, even though he's 8 years older. I was glad to have him around when my parents died, even if we're very different people.

My husband OTOH does not have much in common w/ either of his sibs, and so is much more ambivalent. But again, I think his mom and dad just wanted kids, not wanted to make siblings for him.

What I'm trying to say is, given that you're going to be the ones doing all the work for a decade plus, do what you makes you and your spouse happy, and don't spend time guessing what will make your child happy. Because you can't.

As for what your child will do when you both get old, I worry about that a lot too. But another sibling more or less probably won't make much difference when that day comes.
posted by emjaybee at 5:49 PM on September 30, 2010

I love my brothers more than anyone or anything on the planet. They mean the world to me. I'd wish everyone the good fortune of such amazing siblings by their side as they venture forth into adulthood. And even so, I'd still say that panic is just not a good enough reason to have another child.
posted by Eshkol at 5:54 PM on September 30, 2010

Well think of it this way, with one elderly parent, a spouse, and a child as family you are where your son might be in forty years if you don't have another kid. Do you feel lonely or sad or deprived?
posted by bananafish at 6:31 PM on September 30, 2010

Let your panic pass.

I am the only child of an only child. There are some relatives I see and like on my dad's side but mom really has no close living relatives. No drama, just no closeness.

What I have done is pick out my own "brothers" and "sisters." Assuming you are not raising your son on a desert island he will get to know people and can make friends as family himself. Obviously it would be a really cool thing if you could do the same thing but please rest assured that making friends family is doable and a great way to make sure you have "family" you get along with!
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:34 PM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Following on Eshkol, I love my brothers so much so that to me, to have only one child would be a disservice to that person. To me. Your life proves my feeling is not objective truth, as you might've been better off without siblings. Even still, I personally could not have only one child; I'll ideally have either two or zero kids. So, this is obviously a very personal question, and one that you should answer from your real and grounded self, not from your current panicked state. Is the panic occurring because of something you truly believe and truly want for your child's life, and for yours? The consequences of having another child are obviously rather major, so there are many reasons to choose not to.

P.S. You can always adopt.
posted by salvia at 6:45 PM on September 30, 2010

And who's to say the sibling won't be more of a problem than not having one? Some folks have siblings that are worse than none at all.

There are six billion people on this planet. Teach the child to make friends, that skill will go a lot further than rolling the dice on getting an idiot sibling.
posted by wkearney99 at 6:52 PM on September 30, 2010

I'm the only child of two only children, and I grew up an ocean away from everybody except my parents. I like my family just the way it is, and your son may very well feel the same way, even without siblings.
posted by capsizing at 6:57 PM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

The irony that you point out at the end of your question helps to answer it: you have siblings, and you had to estrange yourself from them because they were so toxic. So siblings in and of themselves are no guarantee of lasting, beneficial family connections. You will never know if it will be better for your kid if you have another one, and it's impossible to predict until it happens. What that means is that you shouldn't make a decision like this out of a hope that it will help your child. Now, if you think that this feeling is really coming from a part of you that wants another child, then you should make the decision on that basis. But if not, there's no reason to do it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 6:58 PM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

I had the odd fortune of being an only child with five brothers and sisters: due to custody stuff I lived with just me and one or more adults for ten of the first twelve years of my life, and I was in the dorms at 16 after spending a few more solitary summers and Christmases with my dad and stepmom (who deliberately waited till my mom had custody of me to have kids together.) I don't think either singleton-ness or a sibling or three is objectively preferable; it's more about what you do with what you've got.

Having said that: if you do want a second child, there are better and worse ages (for the elder child) to do it. I can't help but recommend "before 3 or after five," based on my own family dynamics. The oldest of us is 34 and the youngest 16.
posted by SMPA at 7:06 PM on September 30, 2010

I went through all of this as well, and finally realized I was really content with my only child. A few moths ago, there was a great article in Time Magazine about only children....take a look, it might bring a little clarity. Good luck with your decision!
posted by fresh-rn at 8:17 PM on September 30, 2010

I love being an only child. I hear far more "I hate my siblings" stories now than I do "I love my siblings" stories. (I spent half my night hearing about how this woman's sister was a lazy good for nothing greedy bitch. Her only child son seems quite content not to be dealing with this crap.) I'm delighted not to be dealing with feuding siblings, because people don't always come out compatibly with their relatives.

Don't have another kid unless you want another kid. Your kid will find friends on his own. Hell, you might even find friends on your own.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:35 PM on September 30, 2010

We're raising two kids (twins) in a place where we have no extended family. We have many friends doing the same thing with single kids. We all handle it the same way: playdates with each other on a regular basis, and leveraging each other for occasional babysitting and the like. In short, we're all acting as each other's extended family, and it works just fine.

Also, as the youngest of three with a terrible relationship with my two other siblings, I can state with confidence that more kids does not necessarily equal happier children (although it certainly can.) Besides, is "my kid needs a playmate" really striking you as a legitimate reason to bring another life into the world? Be patient, make playdates, and don't stress.
posted by davejay at 10:51 PM on September 30, 2010

I love my brother. We live on different continents now, but we chat regularly and arrange to be home at the same time whenever we can - our parents live on a different continent too - and I couldn't imagine not having grown up with him. In fact, I think having him around kept me sane a few years ago when our parents were at each others' throats and having an ally/buffer at home really, really, really helped.

That said ... from the sibling pairs I know ... the chances of this happening are about 50:50. Half the people I know really don't get along with their siblings, or talk to them only on occasion, or just plain aren't close. They're great, well-adjusted people otherwise, so I'd say it doesn't matter either way.
posted by Xany at 10:55 PM on September 30, 2010

I can only think of a few worse reasons to bring a child into the world.

You should have a child because you will love and nurture them.

You should not have a child because you seem unwilling or unable to find a playdate for your kid.
posted by Ookseer at 11:44 PM on September 30, 2010

Speaking from the perspective of your child, there's no guarantee that even if you DO give your son a sibling, that he will be automatically fond of them. I have a brother and five cousins, but I feel closer to one of my friends than I do ANY of them. One male friend, in particular, has become someone I regard as a second brother (so much so that the thought of dating this friend actually feels a little creepily incestuous).

Speaking of which, that particular male friend is an only child whose family wasn't especially close to any of his aunts or uncles or cousins, and he hasn't minded that -- we've talked about "family stuff" once or twice and he just sort of shruggingly says that he never saw them very often. He's surrounded himself with lots of friends instead, people he's met over the course of his life. There's a very good chance your son will do the same.

All you need to do is love your son. If you want to have another child for that other child's own sake, then have another child. But you needn't worry about having another child just for the sake of giving your son a "live-in friend," because there's no guarantee it will shake down that way anyway.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:03 AM on October 1, 2010

Just some thoughts to chew on:

I am not an only child and I do not get along at all with my siblings. We have little to no contact.

A good friend of mine is an only child (of parents who were 40+ when he was born, no extended family) and he often says that he wishes he had a sibling because he says his family life is "pretty lonely"

Wanting a buddy for your kid isn't a great reason to have another child (obviously as in my case with my siblings and many other commenters -- it doesn't always work out that way).

You could adopt if you're worried about the implications of pregnancy at an older age.

You could make a concrete effort towards growing your family in your community -- join a church or a service society or something. Just because you haven't created a family of friends already doesn't mean you can't start now.
posted by blue_bicycle at 6:36 AM on October 1, 2010

I have an absurdly small family. I have one sister, a father and mother, and that's it. All four grandparents are deceased. Both my parents are only children, so I have no aunts, uncles, first- or second-cousins. Even so, I have cut my father and sister out of my life because of their destructiveness. So, really, it's my mom and me.

And no, I don't feel deprived in any way. It's way more important to have healthy, constructive people around you (and you can pick them to be friends!) than it is to be born into a big brood. I'm good at making and keeping friends and I'm happily married. I've never felt lonely a day in my life.
posted by workerant at 8:18 AM on October 1, 2010

If you feel the need for more family for you, working to cultivate a "family of friends" might be worth the effort. If you think your child might need more family and companionship his age, you'll probably be fine just by making your home a welcoming place for your child's friends. I was always in and out of friends' homes as a child (and they were in and out of mine); as a teenager, I was part of a close circle of friends that extended out to siblings and parents--I keep in touch with my friends and their families to this day (I'm 32). You and your husband will (and do) love your child; your child will make good friends in his life. As long as that love is there, I truly don't believe your child will be deprived in any way.
posted by epj at 1:07 PM on October 1, 2010