how do i encourage that delectable scent to return to my nostrils yet again?
September 30, 2010 8:59 AM Subscribe
My partner has stopped smelling good to me. What do I do?
The scent of my partner has always been of utmost importance to me. Smelling my partner is the ultimate turn on and it is impossible for me to fantasize about a person without it. My long-term partner has stopped smelling the way that s/he used to and his/her scent no longer infatuates me in the same way. In fact, s/he just smells bland now. Can I get that wave of lustful intoxicating scent back? It is making it difficult for me to get aroused and naturally it has been leading to some awkward moments. This has never ever happened before. We are around the four year itch time period...
The scent of my partner has always been of utmost importance to me. Smelling my partner is the ultimate turn on and it is impossible for me to fantasize about a person without it. My long-term partner has stopped smelling the way that s/he used to and his/her scent no longer infatuates me in the same way. In fact, s/he just smells bland now. Can I get that wave of lustful intoxicating scent back? It is making it difficult for me to get aroused and naturally it has been leading to some awkward moments. This has never ever happened before. We are around the four year itch time period...
- Has s/he changed her/his diet/exercise/sleep/stress level/etc. recently?
- If s/he doesn't apply deodorant, then takes a nice three-mile run in the hot sun (or does an hour on the treadmill), does s/he produce any smell?
- Anecdotal: a friend of mine noticed that her husband, who had previously smelled lovely to her, began to smell AWFUL to her around the time she began contemplating divorce. So there is at least one person that I know of whose PERCEPTION of a partner's scent has radically changed.
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:04 AM on September 30, 2010
- If s/he doesn't apply deodorant, then takes a nice three-mile run in the hot sun (or does an hour on the treadmill), does s/he produce any smell?
- Anecdotal: a friend of mine noticed that her husband, who had previously smelled lovely to her, began to smell AWFUL to her around the time she began contemplating divorce. So there is at least one person that I know of whose PERCEPTION of a partner's scent has radically changed.
posted by julthumbscrew at 9:04 AM on September 30, 2010
Can I get that wave of lustful intoxicating scent back? It is making it difficult for me to get aroused and naturally it has been leading to some awkward moments. This has never ever happened before. We are around the four year itch time period...
I think you've answered your own question. Get your partner aroused, which will then get YOU aroused.
How you get your partner aroused is up to you, but it's totally normal to have to acknowledge that yeah, couples get in a rut and get complacent about sex. Since you seem keyed in on the effects of physical arousal, perhaps you could suggest that it would be super-hot were you to "discover" your partner masturbating/watching porn/reading erotica/whatever floats your boat?
posted by desuetude at 9:25 AM on September 30, 2010
I think you've answered your own question. Get your partner aroused, which will then get YOU aroused.
How you get your partner aroused is up to you, but it's totally normal to have to acknowledge that yeah, couples get in a rut and get complacent about sex. Since you seem keyed in on the effects of physical arousal, perhaps you could suggest that it would be super-hot were you to "discover" your partner masturbating/watching porn/reading erotica/whatever floats your boat?
posted by desuetude at 9:25 AM on September 30, 2010
I'm not wise on the smelling thing. Ask him.
Having said that be respectful if this is a dealbreaker. You can keep a promise to be faithful by breaking up.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:26 AM on September 30, 2010
Having said that be respectful if this is a dealbreaker. You can keep a promise to be faithful by breaking up.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:26 AM on September 30, 2010
Has s/he started taking any new medications? I just had surgery and I was on a round of antibiotics and pain pills and I noticed that my scent changed. I asked the surgeon at my follow up visit about the change in BO and he told me that medications can do that to a person. He said it should go back to normal a few weeks after stopped the medication.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 9:29 AM on September 30, 2010
posted by MaryDellamorte at 9:29 AM on September 30, 2010
Is he or she losing weight? My uncle swore his wife smelled bad to him while she was dieting despite being very clean...
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 9:36 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
You've been together 4 years and you can't ask shim if he's doing anything different lately that might lead to him smelling a different way?
It's obviously important to you and shim should know that already anyway.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2010
It's obviously important to you and shim should know that already anyway.
posted by zephyr_words at 9:38 AM on September 30, 2010
The fact that you used the phrase "four year itch" rather than "four happy, wonderful years together, hooray!" or something similar tells me it miiiiiight not really be about smell.
posted by so_gracefully at 10:00 AM on September 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
posted by so_gracefully at 10:00 AM on September 30, 2010 [11 favorites]
When I lived in Portland Oregon (the rose city) I never thought about the sent of a rose. Always thought it was corny and odd cultural note. "rose by any other name..." Etc.
But after living in Boston for three years I returned to Portland and the whole city smells Wonderful. Like intoxicating.
Perhaps you've grown very used to his smell, those receptors are not going pow anymore. Little bits of time (day or two) apart might help recapture that magic.
posted by French Fry at 10:00 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
But after living in Boston for three years I returned to Portland and the whole city smells Wonderful. Like intoxicating.
Perhaps you've grown very used to his smell, those receptors are not going pow anymore. Little bits of time (day or two) apart might help recapture that magic.
posted by French Fry at 10:00 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
Are you by any chance pregnant? My husband smelled like hot wet trash through all my weeks of morning sickness. Maybe you are on the cusp of this.
posted by rabidsegue at 10:20 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by rabidsegue at 10:20 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]
And on the flip side, I'm pregnant now and my husband tells me I smell different.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 10:32 AM on September 30, 2010
posted by rabbitrabbit at 10:32 AM on September 30, 2010
Does he smell bad or does he have no smell to you?
If the former, if he's changed his diet (eating a lot of aromatic foods or on the Atkins or similar high-protein diet are familiar culprits) or sanitary habits, or he might need to see a doctor for a checkup.
If you can't smell him, does everything else smell OK to you? If your sense of smell is going dull in general, again, a doctor checkup just to see if everything is all right is in order. You might have a chronic sinus infection or a zinc deficiency or something easily curable.
If he's healthy and you're healthy and it's just him you can't smell anymore, perhaps this has more psychological roots as others have stated above and you need counseling or even this is your body's way of saying "Get out!"
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:56 AM on September 30, 2010
If the former, if he's changed his diet (eating a lot of aromatic foods or on the Atkins or similar high-protein diet are familiar culprits) or sanitary habits, or he might need to see a doctor for a checkup.
If you can't smell him, does everything else smell OK to you? If your sense of smell is going dull in general, again, a doctor checkup just to see if everything is all right is in order. You might have a chronic sinus infection or a zinc deficiency or something easily curable.
If he's healthy and you're healthy and it's just him you can't smell anymore, perhaps this has more psychological roots as others have stated above and you need counseling or even this is your body's way of saying "Get out!"
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:56 AM on September 30, 2010
Is it possible you've become hard of smelling? Yes, it's a thing.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:55 AM on September 30, 2010
posted by Sys Rq at 11:55 AM on September 30, 2010
Some detective work may be in order if you don't want to outright discuss the issue with your partner, which would probably be the best route; but on the other hand, some people tend to freak out when told they don't smell right so I can see where you might want to postpone that conversation until you have an idea of what might be causing it. Here are some things to consider.
Any kind of hormonal changes, including:
Pregnancy
Starting or stopping hormonal birth control
Post-pregnancy hormone craziness
As mentioned above, if you're a female and have recently stopped or started taking hormonal birth control
Infertility treatments
Menopause
Hysterectomy w/ovary removal
For guys in particular:
Decrease in exercise (exercise, especially weight lifing, increases testosterone, which has an effect on sweat glands... this is why we start to get b.o. at puberty)
Decrease in sexual activity (regular sex increases testosterone production)
Aging
Also, anything that changes the bacterial composition in the body:
Douching
More frequent showering
Changing soap (a strongly anti-bacterial soap will kill the bacteria on skin that is responsible for creating certain bodily odors)
Yeast infection or other infection (with those you would probably notice more odor, or an unpleasant odor, than a bland one.)
Eating a lot of yogurt or taking probiotics
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:11 PM on September 30, 2010
Any kind of hormonal changes, including:
Pregnancy
Starting or stopping hormonal birth control
Post-pregnancy hormone craziness
As mentioned above, if you're a female and have recently stopped or started taking hormonal birth control
Infertility treatments
Menopause
Hysterectomy w/ovary removal
For guys in particular:
Decrease in exercise (exercise, especially weight lifing, increases testosterone, which has an effect on sweat glands... this is why we start to get b.o. at puberty)
Decrease in sexual activity (regular sex increases testosterone production)
Aging
Also, anything that changes the bacterial composition in the body:
Douching
More frequent showering
Changing soap (a strongly anti-bacterial soap will kill the bacteria on skin that is responsible for creating certain bodily odors)
Yeast infection or other infection (with those you would probably notice more odor, or an unpleasant odor, than a bland one.)
Eating a lot of yogurt or taking probiotics
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 12:11 PM on September 30, 2010
Okay, I think I know what you mean by "smell", and I think a lot of people are misunderstanding you. It's not a "ahh, you had garlic today" smell. It's some sort of very low-level recognition of smell as being something attractive, and it's got very little to do with artificial scents or daily body odor changes.
Personally, suddenly noticing that someone smells very good is how I realize I'm attracted to someone. It usually happens on people I've known for years and have never felt any attraction to before, but then one day, BAM. Incredibly attractive.
And the flip side, which I'm worried may be your case here, is when they stop smelling good. It's not that they smell bad, they just... don't smell good and attractive. And every single time, it has been a prelude to a breakup. It's not out of nowhere -- there are usually other issues or doubts I have -- but the loss of that attractive smell just seals the deal for me and tells me it's time to deal with the problem. I dated a guy for almost three years, lived with him and everything, and he smelled awesome -- until one day he didn't (coincident with other issues we had going on). Several years after our breakup, we're very good friends, but he has not smelled anything but neutral to me ever since.
tl;dr: Bodies are weird. Smell is very tied to attraction for many people. I think you may not be attracted any more. I do not know if you can "get it back."
posted by olinerd at 12:54 PM on September 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Personally, suddenly noticing that someone smells very good is how I realize I'm attracted to someone. It usually happens on people I've known for years and have never felt any attraction to before, but then one day, BAM. Incredibly attractive.
And the flip side, which I'm worried may be your case here, is when they stop smelling good. It's not that they smell bad, they just... don't smell good and attractive. And every single time, it has been a prelude to a breakup. It's not out of nowhere -- there are usually other issues or doubts I have -- but the loss of that attractive smell just seals the deal for me and tells me it's time to deal with the problem. I dated a guy for almost three years, lived with him and everything, and he smelled awesome -- until one day he didn't (coincident with other issues we had going on). Several years after our breakup, we're very good friends, but he has not smelled anything but neutral to me ever since.
tl;dr: Bodies are weird. Smell is very tied to attraction for many people. I think you may not be attracted any more. I do not know if you can "get it back."
posted by olinerd at 12:54 PM on September 30, 2010 [2 favorites]
Seconding olinerd that rather than a problem of scent itself, the problem may just (unfortunately) be slipping attraction.
Just the other day I realized that the guy I'm currently attracted to smells, on the surface, exactly the same as another guy I was once attracted to. The thing is, I no longer even emotionally register the scent of the latter guy. We see each other often and he still smells objectively the same and I do still love him platonically, but without that rush of lust he's become oddly scentless. Whereas the former just needs to stand within a few feet, and well...you can guess.
It seems kind of similar, imo, to the way that you see yourself in a mirror on a good day vs. the way you see yourself on a bad day. On a good day, the flaws aren't perceptible. On a bad day, they're all you see. I have never studied this, but emotional perception of a person does appear to have a huge impact on physical, sensory perception. Maybe this is what you're experiencing?
posted by houndsoflove at 6:12 PM on September 30, 2010
Just the other day I realized that the guy I'm currently attracted to smells, on the surface, exactly the same as another guy I was once attracted to. The thing is, I no longer even emotionally register the scent of the latter guy. We see each other often and he still smells objectively the same and I do still love him platonically, but without that rush of lust he's become oddly scentless. Whereas the former just needs to stand within a few feet, and well...you can guess.
It seems kind of similar, imo, to the way that you see yourself in a mirror on a good day vs. the way you see yourself on a bad day. On a good day, the flaws aren't perceptible. On a bad day, they're all you see. I have never studied this, but emotional perception of a person does appear to have a huge impact on physical, sensory perception. Maybe this is what you're experiencing?
posted by houndsoflove at 6:12 PM on September 30, 2010
My partner got his teeth cleaned after 17 years and smelled WAYYYY better. I totally noticed. He never like outright stank, it was just a slightly "off" smell that went away after he took care of his teeth. He brushed, he flossed, they just hadn't been throughly cleaned in eons.
posted by ShadePlant at 11:42 AM on October 1, 2010
posted by ShadePlant at 11:42 AM on October 1, 2010
And I, too, am talking about that innate smell everyone has... Not a stinky breath thing. Partner's innate person smell changed, for the better, after the dentist.
posted by ShadePlant at 11:44 AM on October 1, 2010
posted by ShadePlant at 11:44 AM on October 1, 2010
I used to LOVE my husband's intrinsic smell. I even noticed that his mom had a similar smell when sweating, and there was a bit of it on our infant son. This was all in our first 3-4 years together. My mom was writing an ad for a dating service, and I said to her "Why can't you advertise for the important things, for someone who just *smells right*?"
Well, 13 years later, he rarely has that smell to me anymore. Maybe once every 6 months? And we've had some ups and downs. I love him, but not with the crazed intensity of the early years.
I think it's phermones or some such. I once read that in the first 18 months of a relationship, your body gives off some crazed 'in-love' chemicals; and after that, it switches to 'pain-relieving' chemicals. My hunch is that is what's going on with you.
I honestly don't know if it's reasonable to expect that someone will smell perfect to you everyday for 10 or 20 years or a lifetime (and therefore indicative of the 'wrong person' if they don't smell perfect continually). I suspect not. I think part of a long term/permanant relationship is taking the days when you can't feel excited about them or they don't smell right, taking those things in stride, staying because you're committed overall. It ebbs and flows. Or at least, that's my hunch after analyzing my experience to date.
posted by MeiraV at 7:13 AM on October 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
Well, 13 years later, he rarely has that smell to me anymore. Maybe once every 6 months? And we've had some ups and downs. I love him, but not with the crazed intensity of the early years.
I think it's phermones or some such. I once read that in the first 18 months of a relationship, your body gives off some crazed 'in-love' chemicals; and after that, it switches to 'pain-relieving' chemicals. My hunch is that is what's going on with you.
I honestly don't know if it's reasonable to expect that someone will smell perfect to you everyday for 10 or 20 years or a lifetime (and therefore indicative of the 'wrong person' if they don't smell perfect continually). I suspect not. I think part of a long term/permanant relationship is taking the days when you can't feel excited about them or they don't smell right, taking those things in stride, staying because you're committed overall. It ebbs and flows. Or at least, that's my hunch after analyzing my experience to date.
posted by MeiraV at 7:13 AM on October 2, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by gumtree at 9:04 AM on September 30, 2010