Crippling anxiety - can I get over this without a therapist?

September 30, 2010 8:15 AM

Crippling anxiety ruining my life - can I get over this without a therapist?

I'm 19, I live with my parents and commute to college. I'm going to be 20 in a few months, but I still feel like I'm a kid. I need some way to grow up and get out of here, but every time I think about it, I panic. I want to travel, I want to study abroad, I want to go to graduate school in NYC, I want to live in my own apartment - but none of this seems possible to me.

I guess the best way to explain is to give you background history. I'm trying to keep this as short as possible so I'm only listing the horrible depressing parts:
Growing up, my parents both worked full time and my grandma took care of my sister and I while they were gone. My mom and grandma were both alcoholics and were almost always totally out of it (I didn't realize why until I was 12 and my mom told me/became sober). My sister constantly called me fat, ugly, pig, boy, etc. and would dig her nails into my skin (I have scars on my arms and body image issues, but that's another issue entirely). When I was 12, my grandma had a stroke and became disabled. My mom quit working and we moved. Everything was totally normal/happy in my life until high school.

When I was 14, my sister, who was 18, bought home a friend from college. He was 19 and I developed a crush on him. My sister and he stopped talking, but we started talking and became good friends. It is a LOOONG story, I thought I was in love with him and it ends with me being raped after literally a year of him pressuring me. I have never told ANYONE about the rape. After this point is when everything gets bad. I starting getting 4-5 migraines a week because of the pressure. I started to cut myself on my thighs, stopped eating and lost 30 pounds. I stopped talking to him altogether, lost my friends and became miserable. I gradually started to feel better again and by the beginning of 10th grade I was almost normal. There was a week- long study abroad program to China for January 2008, I started working and saved all my money and convinced my parents to let me go. Once I got there, I totally fell apart. I cried every minute of the day, couldn't eat, threw up, had panic attacks etc. All I wanted to do was go home. Once I was home, I started going to MY MOM'S therapist and was put on Lexapro. It was good for a while, but I hated the therapist and didn’t trust her at all. I took the Lexapro until the end of that year (11th grade) and then stopped. I was still depressed, but could function. Come 12th grade, I am almost normal. I was the president of a small club and friends with everyone in it, I had a lot of fun and good times. There was another week long program to France, and I was going to be going with all my friends. I was afraid of the same thing happening, so I started looking up “natural” ways to fight depression/anxiety. I maintained an extremely healthy diet, exercised 5 times a week, took omega 3 and vitamin supplements for MONTHS before the trip. Come the day of the trip, I was totally fine until we were about to get on the plane and my mom called to say goodbye. I lost it, had a panic attack, ended up not going on the trip. That set me back so far – I felt like I made so much progress towards being “normal”, and now it was all gone. I stayed in bed for a week and was unable to talk. Later that year, my grandpa died and my grandma moved in with us. I wanted to go away to college, but my mom and grandma wanted me to stay home so I could help take care of her. I should mention I am very very close to my mom and felt extremely guilty about wanting to go away to school and leave her stranded to take care of my grandma.

So I stayed home and now I commute to college. I started my second year a few weeks ago. I haven’t made any friends here. I just go to class and then come right home. I have no desire to meet anyone or join any clubs. I sit in bed all day. I feel like I am going to be trapped here with my mom for the rest of my life.

I was totally content with doing nothing with my life, laying in bed all day and not thinking about the future until recently. I don't know what has changed but I feel another side of me, that is ambitious, outgoing and has goals. That is who I think I SHOULD have been had all this stuff not happened to me.

I know people have troubles much greater than mine, but I don't know how I am going to move on and become my own person. I’ve been looking for and applying for jobs for a while, but no luck yet. I have no money, no financial aid and my family won’t pay for me to transfer to a college where I can live on campus, so that is not an option. My fear is I am going to make plans to go to graduate school away from home, and freak out like I did when I went on the trips in high school. I would like to study abroad, volunteer with a program like AmeriCorps, do something meaningful with my life, but I feel like that's totally impossible. I need to gradually build up to the point where I have no more anxiety and attachments to home, but I don’t know how.

Sorry this is REALLY long. I’m not really sure what I am expecting by posting this, just hopefully someone can relate or give me advice. The thought of being 20 and still being such a kid makes me sick. Email me at [e-mail] if you have any questions or want more info.

posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (14 answers total)

When you have a panic attack, that's not a character flaw or a weakness in yourself that you're responsible for eradicating using normal means. A panic attack is an extreme manifestation of a problem you need help to solve. One way of dealing with panic attacks is to take a medication such as Xanax, which will basically put a ceiling on your anxiety and prevent it from getting out of control. If you are uncomfortable with therapy, you can go to a psychiatrist, discuss your history with him or her, and see if your anxiety is something that you can manage without therapy but with medication.

I do think that you would probably benefit from finding a therapist you can trust. However, I strongly urge you to at minimum try medication. If your anxiety becomes something you control, it will be no different from a headache - you get headaches sometimes, but you can take Advil when they hit and within 20-30 minutes, you're back to normal. You can then make travel plans and generally choose to live the life you want because you won't have to worry about being suddenly incapacitated by panic.

I have struggled with anxiety issues myself, and am happy to talk to you about my experiences dealing with it. Please feel free to MeFiMail me.
posted by prefpara at 8:30 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

You need to talk to a live person who can sit with you and help you make goals and keep you accountable and maybe put you in touch with a psychiatrist who can prescribe something for what I suspect is a serious illness rather than just minor "issues" (my totally amateur BlackBerry diagnosis is major depression plus social anxiety.)

Don't even talk with your parents/family about it, if you don't feel the trust is there. Your school almost certainly has programs to get you started (they will probably refer you out to a regular provider) and if not, there are other options. Tell the mods where you live and go to school (that is, your city, the school's name) and people can find the numbers you need to call.
posted by SMPA at 8:39 AM on September 30, 2010

first off, i'm sorry for what's happened. this sounds like a really difficult situation. but it also sounds like you have quite a will to thrive and do better for yourself...which is something you should remember when things seem overwhelming. yes, you definately need a therapist that can help you to work through some of the issues that are holding you back. you'll need to find someone you can trust and it might take a few tries before finding a good fit. does your college have a health center? they might even have a counseling center. talk to them, they might be able to help. check out some online resources that people have referenced in previous posts on MeFI. if you can manage to make a friend or a few, this might help in not feeling so isolated. if you're up to it, join a club.
posted by UltraD at 8:41 AM on September 30, 2010

I have totally felt like you, and felt trapped at home, stuck in a community college. I agree that a therapist can help you get some perspective.

I used to have panic attacks too, but have gotten over them for the time being. Not that they can't return, but I know enough now on how to work on the issues I have. Medication can help quite a bit, so don't be closed to that.

You are still very young,. Be easy on yourself, and treat yourself with kindness. You will find a way to do this. The most important thing to do is to trust yourself to make good decisions. This is an area that a therapist can really help. They can be a sounding board for making decisions, and help you understand that whole process.

And remember that small progress is progress. This kind of change doesn't happen overnight. Make some plans and set some goals. Figure out how to have some fun and plan for some fun every day. EVERY DAY.
posted by chocolatetiara at 8:42 AM on September 30, 2010

I know people have troubles much greater than mine, but I don't know how I am going to move on and become my own person.

By recognizing that although, by some objective measure, other people might have it worse than you, that's irrelevant: your problems are awful and damaging if they are fucking up your life. And they are. And you deserve help in climbing out of this hole.

The help should be in form of therapy. In-person therapy with a therapist, one-on-one or group, or both, and maybe meds.

Sometimes, problems can be alleviated by self-help. Like, if you pulled a muscle, you could take care of it by stretching gently, taking ibuprofen, and resting it until it heals. But if you broke your leg, you'd need to go to a doctor. You have a broken leg. You need actual, professional help. You deserve this help. Asking for it does not make you weak; it makes you strong.
posted by rtha at 8:50 AM on September 30, 2010 [4 favorites]

I'm going to be 20 in a few months, but I still feel like I'm a kid.

Well, good news first. You are still a kid. It's okay not to have everything figured out in your life yet, including being mentally healthy.

It sounds to me like both therapy and medication would be a good idea. You didn't give a reason why you stopped the Lexapro, but if you are still depressed then therapy alone may not be enough.

If you reluctance to engage in therapy is because of your experience with your mother's therapist, simply find another therapist. It's very likely your college has some sort of counselor that you can meet with, if only to get a referral to another therapist or psychiatrist in the area.

If you're determined to go the non-therapy route and want to be more comfortable with being away from home, I'd recommend against overseas trips since they are very costly and appear to cause you anxiety. Instead, why not try a long-distance car ride on your own? This will offer you a relatively safe, relatively inexpensive way of toying with being away from home. Instead of planning a two week trip to France or something, plan a two week trip to the other side of the country. This can be a lot more transformative than you think.
posted by Deathalicious at 9:05 AM on September 30, 2010

Once I was home, I started going to MY MOM'S therapist and was put on Lexapro. It was good for a while, but I hated the therapist and didn’t trust her at all.

FWIW: My parents sent me to therapy as a teenager and it was awful and counterproductive. (Same story: I hated the guy and didn't trust him.)

When I tried therapy again, around your age, it was completely different. I was there of my own free will and not because mom and dad forced me to go. I could choose a doctor who I liked and connected with. I trusted my new doc to take my side and leave my parents out of things. I didn't have to deal with the stigma of my parents knowing I was in therapy. And it was just like night and day, the difference between the two — therapy the second time wound up being really helpful to me, in a way I totally hadn't expected based on my previous experience.

It's up to you if you want to see a therapist or not. But do keep in mind that it's likely to be different this time around.
posted by nebulawindphone at 9:16 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

OP, reading your question I was really struck by how incredibly brave you are. You probably see yourself differently, but I see a young woman who is prepared to go after the things she wants and does it (which I have enormous respect for), and who just needs some help getting past some roadblocks.

I think that you already know the answer here - yes, this situation would be best handled with a therapist. Growing up with alcoholism, rape, panic attacks - these are deep issues and you deserve a professional's help with working through them. As some posters said upthread, it will be a very different experience with someone you pick and trust.

I wish you the very best! I see you in such a radically different place a year from now - I hope you do too.
posted by widdershins at 9:31 AM on September 30, 2010

"Can I get over this without a therapist?"

Possibly! Could be! Maybe not!

Maybe you'll always be crippled without outside help.

One part of growing up is finding and assessing professionals to help you, from dentists to pen salespeople to therapists. Sounds like that's your task. I've been through some therapists that weren't for me and found some who are.

For those of us who have panic attacks, it's, as said above, important to remember that they happen! It doesn't mean you lost all your progress. It doesn't mean much of anything except that, you know, you had a panic attack.

(Though they are treatable! Honest.)
posted by RJ Reynolds at 9:59 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

I wish someone would have stressed to me far earlier in the game is that panic attacks feel desperately horrible, but they won't actually harm you. That made them so much easier to wrangle, and they eventually just went away.

As someone who could have probably led a vastly improved life had therapy been an option at twenty instead of many years later, I think a therapist would do you a world of good! Not your mom's therapist, though, that just seems weird. Would you at very least consider a support group?
posted by bunji at 11:25 AM on September 30, 2010 [1 favorite]

Maybe you can get through this on your own, with no help from drugs or therapy, but why suffer more than necessary? Get the help you need. You will not regret it.
posted by Mars Saxman at 12:12 PM on September 30, 2010

The problems you describe are not minor, although they aren't insurmountable either. I think you could really use a therapist's help. There's no shame in that -- some of the bravest soldiers and many of your favorite MeFites go to therapy regularly or have done so in the past.

It's important to find a therapist that you trust, although be aware that it might take you a while to learn to trust any therapist. I believe that quality of therapists varies widely, so don't give up if you don't like or respect the first one (or three) you see. I saw one a few times with my parents and I thought she was a moron. Then I saw another in my early 20s and thought she was very sweet but not really that helpful. Finally I found another who I think is kick-ass.

Your college might have some resources to help, too.
posted by callmejay at 1:32 PM on September 30, 2010

I'm sorry you went through all that. You do mention that you hate feeling like a kid. Well I am 15 years older than you and I often still feel like a kid. That's a pretty common thing that I hear from my peers and it would be very true of your peers as well. You aren't falling behind them and if you could hear their thoughts they'd be scared too.

I had some mild panic attacks my freshmen year of college and it was very helpful to talk to the counselors at school. I bet your school provides this service. At the very least, make an appointment and give it a shot.
posted by mmascolino at 1:33 PM on September 30, 2010

I've gone from crippling (don't want to go to the grocery store) panic attacks to having almost none in the past 10 years. For me it was a combination of 3 things: medication, exercise, and therapy. The mix of these will depend on what specifically is triggering / causing your anxiety. In your case there seems to be a lot of history that is probably involved in this, which would lead me to the idea that therapy could be particularly beneficial.

With therapists, as others have stated it can take some trial and error. I found a really good one quickly but that was just luck. I think it's much harder than finding a good medical doctor, for example, because your personalities / preferences are a much bigger issue when talking about emotional issues than when diagnosing a physical pain.
posted by wildcrdj at 6:42 PM on September 30, 2010