Saving ourselves from ourselves
September 28, 2010 1:23 PM Subscribe
What comes after balance and practicality? Does it ever get not-boring? How can I resist backing away from success? Please talk some sense into me.
posted by ramenopres to health & fitness (7 answers total) 16 users marked this as a favorite
I need some help straightening out my thoughts (therapy, yes, I'll think about it).
After a tumultuous childhood, years of "late blooming," and LOTS of therapy, I reached a point where I was moving with my peers, doing something I really liked, cutting myself and others slack, and just being "who I was" -- this led to awesome connections, relationships, etc. Then -- I don't know exactly what happened -- something changed. It had to do with a big decision I made that I had misgivings about. I became very indecisive (as in, involving people in decisions that could have been simple and causing stress and making myself feel generally important). It has gotten worse after leaving school, traveling, etc. I feel very unsettled.
At the same time, when I was having those great experiences (maybe 2 years), I felt very empowered -- I realized that life is what we make it, and there really is little stopping us from doing what we want to do. Apparently I have concluded that since nothing else is stopping me, I should stop myself. Also, that since nothing is impossible, there is no value in achieving anything.
Since then I have become indecisive and have realized that I create problems for no apparent reason -- just to feel like I'm alive. Leaving late for events (woohoo! fast driving!), not communicating with people, turning little things into big things such that everyone is paying attention to me and thinking, probably, what a strange person I am... It's like, if you aren't thinking sort of badly of me (??), and I'm not desperately trying to achieve something against the odds, I don't know what to do with myself.
I got some balance back this summer, and then thought, "Wait -- my life will no longer be interesting this way."
How do you fight this? Are there some phrases you say to yourselves? --something true that I could say to myself? How do you stay engaged? What is there on the other side of crisis? Please help me look forward to it.
(I was in therapy for a LONG time and when I got the hang of things, I told myself I had graduated and stopped going. I'll consider going back but would appreciate input in the meantime.)