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Too fat to f@#&?
September 27, 2010 11:14 AM   Subscribe

Is it my weight, or my being self conscious about my weight, that is making me unsuccessful picking up women?

I’m a guy in his early 30s, and I’m about 130 lbs overweight. I’ve fought it my whole life, and it’s something I’m very self-conscious about at times. Other than the weight I’m fairly normal-looking, no exaggerated features that make me specifically unattractive, and I present myself well.

However my luck with women has never been especially good. I’ve had a few girlfriends in my life, etc. but not nearly as many as my friends. My life is mostly spent single, with brief periods of relationships.

But I go out with my single guy friends pretty regularly to bars, clubs, etc. and it seems they all have far more luck meeting and “hooking up” with women than I do.

Because I’m self-conscious about my weight I have assumed that is the reason, that girls (with the exception of some “chubby chasers”) don’t like fat guys…but I’m trying to figure out if that’s for sure the case, or if it’s my IMPRESSION that girls don’t like fat guys is causing me to self-sabotage in some way…

Normally I try to make eye contact with women I’m interested in, share a smile, and if all goes well, I approach and try to make conversation. Also when dancing (with female friends, also there to meet guys) I will sometimes try to find some of those women dancing alone to dance with, to meet on the dance floor…but I’m not a tremendous dancer as I’m not light on my feet.

So it’s a bit of a loaded question, but ladies, how do you feel about heavy guys; heavy guys, how has your luck been with women; and overall, am I just doing something wrong?

(and yes, to beat it to the punch, I know that the ultimate solution is to lose the weight thus feeling more confident AND looking better, and I am working on that, I just started seeing a nutritionist and a personal trainer, but that’s a long term solution and I’m hoping for more short-term success WHILE I work on the long term solution.

And to beat THIS to the punch, I know there are other ways to meet women, online, church, etc. but this question is specifically trying to determine my friends’ successes versus my lack thereof under identical circumstances)
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (38 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
I can't speak for everyone obviously, but charming, interesting, and sincere makes a much bigger impression on me than looks. That said, I personally like bigger guys and there are many other women out there who do too.
posted by Kimberly at 11:19 AM on September 27, 2010 [3 favorites]


Are you trying to "pick up" women who are similarly overweight, or are you heading over to chat up the head cheerleader?

The venues you're describing sound like meat markets, and in those places it's all about the perceived value of the meat.
posted by cyndigo at 11:21 AM on September 27, 2010 [22 favorites]


I think much of the bar scene is based on a I'm-hot-you're-similarly-hot-let's-fuck dynamic, so the goal is to find someone who shares this feeling with you. As a data point, I am a normal-weight woman and I am unlikely to hook-up with someone who is overweight. That's not what I'm looking for in the bar/hook up scene. I might date him after I met him and was intrigued by his personality/wit/etc, and became attracted to him.
posted by BusyBusyBusy at 11:21 AM on September 27, 2010 [2 favorites]


You don't specify whether your friends are the same size as you are. I know that a lot of wit and personality does more for me than looks, but I also haven't ever gone to meet guys in clubs or bars. The biggest key to charming me, however, is self confidence, which it sounds like you aren't projecting.
posted by Zophi at 11:23 AM on September 27, 2010 [2 favorites]


I've always liked bigger guys as well as normal guys. In fact, I've sometimes been envious of men that being in the upper range of weight seems to be not as big an issue for them in starting relationships as it can be for women. Whether or not that's true, there are plenty of women who either don't care about or actively like extra weight on men, and if you're a nice and respectful and interesting person to boot, there's no reason to think you shouldn't be able to make a connection.

But do think about whether your expectations are suitable for the environment you're in - if you're frequenting venues where people are out to hook up based on a shallow level of conventional attraction or status-seeking, then you are probably more likely to get shot down there. That's not rocket science - plenty of nice people go to bars and dance clubs, sure, but the chance that even nice people in those places probably skew to the more appearance-focused seems to me to be higher.
posted by Miko at 11:27 AM on September 27, 2010 [2 favorites]


ladies, how do you feel about heavy guys; heavy guys, how has your luck been with women; and overall, am I just doing something wrong?
I'm a lady. How I feel about heavy guys - I probably wouldn't be interested too much in meeting a heavy guy at a bar/club. I'm sorry. Those places are meat markets, and I think it would be a fairly rare girl that wouldn't care that her friends were whispering about her being a "chubby chaser" behind her back. The scene there is basically all about getting drunk and hooking up - so it kinda makes sense to me that you would not score as often as your (presumably) thinner friends. I know you don't want to hear it, but you are bound to do better somewhere else where the entire culture isn't based on physical attractiveness.
posted by coupdefoudre at 11:28 AM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Is it my weight, or my being self conscious about my weight, that is making me unsuccessful picking up women?

You ask this question of the friends hanging out with you. They probably have a good sense of how you're presenting yourself.
posted by nomadicink at 11:33 AM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Also, try online dating. Present yourself honestly and offer to meet in person soon after talking online.
posted by barnone at 11:36 AM on September 27, 2010


130 pounds overweight is significant, at least for my own tastes. There are still many women who will find you attractive. There will also be women who won't. Neither group is wrong.
posted by availablelight at 11:38 AM on September 27, 2010


When I was single I wasn't looking for guys at the bar because my impression was that guys there were only looking for hookups, not relationships, and that in general, the criteria for hookups was completely shallow. The whole thing was a turnoff for me.

Personally, I don't care if a guy is overweight. He can still be attractive. You're more likely to find women who share my attitude at poetry readings, science fiction conventions, and university lecture series than you are at a bar. Good luck!
posted by xenophile at 11:39 AM on September 27, 2010 [6 favorites]


ladies, how do you feel about heavy guys; heavy guys, how has your luck been with women; and overall, am I just doing something wrong?

I don't really care about it. For what it's worth, I remember two ranging-on-the-obese guys that were extremely popular and fawned upon by many women, and I distinctly remember hearing comments on the line of how cuddly they looked, and I even remember a very attractive friend remarking on how awesome it would be to be one of this guy's girlfriend, knowing that you have a hot pillow for the beach.

I guess what I'm trying to say is for girls it's mostly in the personality. I personally found one of these big guys extremely attractive, since he was so confident, funny and charming. As my experience goes, it's a lot harder for a big girl to be considered hot than for a big guy.

That said, if you don't feel happy with your weight...could you do something about it?
posted by Tarumba at 11:39 AM on September 27, 2010


I like guys who are smart, funny, fun to be with, interested in me, interesting period. The problem with the bar scene is that people aren't going to get a chance to know those things about you, and they'll rightly or wrongly judge you by your appearance. Do you dress well for your body type? Do you wear clothes that fit you, or do you hide in baggy items of clothing? I'm not saying "you must wear expensive clothes to be acceptable in society!" but I do think that looking polished & put together is a must to get through that initial perception if you look different than the societal norm.

Have you considered trying to find women to date from activities and events where you could actually, y'know, TALK to someone about a shared interest? But this advice even applies to normal-weight guys who are having a hard time in a bar setting. You, rightly or wrongly, have another barrier to overcome, and that's going to be even harder in a bar setting.

Let me also offer the AskMe cliche of ONLINE DATING. Write a witty profile. I knew a guy who was not physically attractive, at all, and yet he always had women on his arm because he was sweet and funny and kind. Women got to know him first and then he would broach the subject of the way he looked.
posted by micawber at 11:49 AM on September 27, 2010 [3 favorites]


I think some people aren't really reading the question. He wants to lose weight and he is aware of other places to meet women. He wants us to analyze if his friends successes are better than his own based on him being overweight but we have no information about the friends so...

If I'm going to guess I'll say you are the most overweight one and yes that automatically gives them better odds. If you go out on the street with a picture of an attractive normal weight guy and an attractive overweight guy more women will pick the normal weight guy.

Other things for you to look at:
Are they trying to approach women the same way you are?
Are they funny and charming just like you are? More so? More confident? Better at small talk?

e.g. Say you were to go up to a group of 6 women and start talking to them in a bar. 3 of them are thin and 3 are overweight.
1 overweight and 1 thin woman are as dull as marbles. 1 overweight woman and 1 thin woman look interested in you but they aren't physically attractive to you even though they seem sort of interesting.
The other overweight woman is funny\smart\attractive and the last thin woman is funny\smart\attractive.
Who do you pick? Which girl do you think you are when you're with your friends?
posted by zephyr_words at 11:51 AM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Chiming in with the other answers thus far to point out that if you're limiting yourself to the bar scene, you've basically doomed yourself to failure. That scene is where pretty people go to meet and have sex with other pretty people. You, I am sorry to say, don't seem to count.

I don't either. That's why I don't go to these sorts of places very often. If you want a relationship based upon mutual respect and understanding, bars aren't where that happens. Look for groups or activities structured around common interest. They're out there.* But the reason that your friends seem to get lucky more often than you is almost certainly because you are overweight and they aren't.

I hate to sound like an asshole here, but... 130 pounds is really quite a bit extra. You weigh, what, 300-350 pounds? Depending on your height, that gives you a BMI of at least 42, possibly more, but comfortably in the morbidly obese range. At that point we aren't just talking about shallow people who can't overlook some of the sorts of normal flaws that normal bodies have. We're talking about significant unhealthiness. I mean, I'm on the heavy side myself--could stand to lose 30-40 pounds, easy--but you're talking about the need to lose something like 40% of your total mass.

I feel for you. I really do. Losing weight is incredibly difficult and being overweight is really hard. I've been fighting a slowly losing battle my whole life. But I'm not going to tell you that you're fine the way you are and that everyone else has the problem. You're noticeably unhealthy, and it isn't terribly shallow to notice that. I'd say that you're to the point that more drastic measures are probably appropriate. But until you're willing to do whatever it takes to lose the weight and keep it off, picking up chicks at bars--particularly normal or under-weight ones--isn't something you're probably going to be able to do very easily.

So, as previous answers have suggested, you either need to get on that or, and this is more likely, change both your strategies and expectations. Start going to venues organized around something other than pure physical attraction (and drunkenness). Your body isn't really going to be a selling point, so go places where your other assets are at a premium. There do in fact exist plenty of perfectly desirable women who are looking for nice, caring, responsible guys and aren't really interested in hooking up. But you won't meet many of them at the singles scenes.

Of course, if all you're really looking to do is get laid... practitioners of the oldest profession aren't paid to like the way you look. So if you're just looking to have sex, there are easier, more reliable, more honest, and even probably cheaper ways of going about that than rolling the dice at the club every weekend.

*Unless, like me, you live in a small-to-medium sized city in the Midwest. In which case, you have both my sympathies and my suggestion that you move.
posted by valkyryn at 11:55 AM on September 27, 2010 [2 favorites]


I'm going to n'th dropping the bar scene/meat market type places. As a bigger chick, I never, ever go to a bar expecting to meet/pick up a guy because I know what kind of experience I'm going to have. (Although it helps that I'm genuinely not into meeting guys this way.) Also n'thing online dating with accurate photos. I personally prefer this because it automatically weeds out guys who aren't interested in fat chicks--I only get responses from guys who are genuinely interested in me.

Self-confidence is HUGE (um, no pun intended) in success with potential partners. Being chubby myself, I understand how hard that can be when you don't conform to society's beauty ideals, but I don't discount larger guys if they a) look like they take care of themselves (yay, hygiene!) b) make some effort to look put together (I don't mean fashion plate/GQ, but looking like they actually thought about what they put on instead of yesterday's t-shirt) c) have a good personality/healthy sense of humor/etc.

Good luck--I know it's rough out there!
posted by smirkette at 12:08 PM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Online dating. Lower your standards/expectations (we all have to learn to do this, to varying degrees.) Cultivate a sort of fake confidence, it will develop into real confidence soon enough. Block all self-doubt from your mind, as nothing good can come from it. Good job on getting the personal trainer, and look to this story for inspiration.
posted by naju at 12:11 PM on September 27, 2010


You always about how crucial confidence is to attracting the gender of your choice, and with good reason. It is THE most important thing, by far.

I am somewhat overweight (6 feet tall, 260 pounds), but although I was skinny in high school and college, I was also quite socially awkward and not good-looking. I didn't even kiss a girl until college.

When I finally did start to (thanks to online dating) hook upwith girls, I would crush the relationship to death because it was always what I was lacking and what I wanted. I would smother and crush it to death with my neediness.

Finally, after many years and a few relationships and a couple hookups, I said to myself, "You know what? I have enough data points to know that even if THIS relationship doesn't work out, there WILL be another one with another awesome chick and I don't have to worry anymore that I'm So Ugly That This Is My Only Shot At Love anymore.

I can't really express enough how much of a difference that realization made. I no longer got more than slightly miffed by rejection. I just plowed ahead and started to believe my own hype. If there three girls reject me, fine. The fourth one won't.

I actually started doing some dumping and relationship-ending myself, something I thought I was incapable of doing. I got choosy. In short, I stopped trying to "act" confident (which never works) and started really actually being confident. I like me now. Just the way I am.

So...think back on those chicks you dated. You liked them and they liked you. They are living proof that woman are willing to love you, f*** you, do whatever you want. And because they exist, more also exist. Because you are awesome and we have proof women want you. Use that knowledge to set yourself free.
posted by mreleganza at 12:27 PM on September 27, 2010 [5 favorites]


It's a combination of the self-consciousness and the venue. It's hard to get to know anyone in bars beyond their most superficial characteristics, which includes appearance as well as grooming, dancing, confidence, ability to make a favorable first impression, etc. You don't need to be good in all those areas, but improve in the ones you can and you'll improve your overall odds.

Not to mention women generally have the upper hand in bars, since the guys come to them. And a lot of women aren't there because they want to hook up; they just want to dance, wear fun clothes, have a few drinks with friends, whatever. It can be an ego boost to reject the most men, or the most attractive men, or to get guys to buy you drinks.

It kind of sounds like you're more concerned about your ego than about actually meeting anyone. The bar scene tends to make a lot of people feel bad about themselves, unless they're super-attractive or super-confident. If you're looking for casual hookups, you'll have better success elsewhere; if you're looking to feel better about yourself, same thing.
posted by Metroid Baby at 12:29 PM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


I've been fat and I've been thin and it was a lot easier thin. Like a LOT easier. I don't think it was confidence, although it's impossible to separate the variables completely*.

That said, it's not impossible when you're fat, just harder. When you're thin, more women are attracted to you without you having to do anything for it. That's just the way it is. When you're fat, you have to build the attraction. Online dating is probably an easier way to go about it. Lots of women will at least give you a chance on a date that way, and maybe by the end they'll realize they're attracted.

* Probably unethical idea for an experiment: Have a friend put up two profiles for you on dating sites, one with a fat picture and one with a thin one. Figure out how to use the site without ever knowing which account has which picture. If you have more success with the thin one, it wasn't the confidence.
posted by callmejay at 12:32 PM on September 27, 2010


I'll be honest, I am not physically attracted to overweight men, and obese men are completely out of the question. My sister and a few of my friends feel the same. But, not all women share the same preferences I do. There are some women who prefer overweight men and some of my girl friends would attest to that. But you're significantly bigger than just overweight. The dating pool of women willing to date or fuck you is going to be significantly smaller than someone of a different body type, especially at bars. That's just the way it is, sorry. As someone said, women have the upper hand at bars. I would suggest ditching the bar scene altogether and casting your net in the online dating scene. And once you do find a woman that's attracted to you, don't scare her away with self-deprecation and low self-confidence.
posted by MaryDellamorte at 12:38 PM on September 27, 2010


I can't say why your friends might have more success than you without knowing more about them. Some women are not going to be attracted to you because of your weight. Similarly, some men would not be attracted to me for being particularly thin. Just depends on one's aesthetic preferences. Nothing personal.

Lacking self-confidence, though, will turn most people off regardless of your looks.
posted by murrey at 12:43 PM on September 27, 2010


Of course this depends entirely on the marketplace and if you're measuring success by meat market hook up count, you will not win and, yes, mostly because of the weight since, as you know, almost the only thing that counts there is looks. On the other hand, if you give up competing in that juvenile market, you can't lose. Even your buddies are going to age out soon. There are younger and hotter guys showing up every day.

That said, in my experience, almost all men become more attractive as they get older. You're just approaching the age when you can move from the puppy pile to become one of the men who can seriously register on women. I'd suggest you focus on developing those qualities you have that appeal most to women and change your marketplace. Considering how many decades you've got in front of you, it only makes sense that you shift to a quality standard for measuring your success.

One of the most devastatingly attractive things a man can do is listen. A very great many women, maybe most, care about how you are and how you feel to them and make them feel a lot more than they care about your looks, always assuming, of course, that you're clean, well groomed and appropriately dressed.

Here's wishing you the best of luck for many decades.
posted by Anitanola at 12:48 PM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


From the fact that you can approach women and look them in the eyes while conversing with them, it sounds like your self confidence is fine and you're looking in all the wrong places.

I've never been into it personally, however my impression of going bar and club hopping is to pick up a guy for a one night stand or a brief fling, not to look for the love of my life. That's reserved for the hot only, as it will never amount to more than a shallow relationship. I couldn't care less who he is or what he's talking about if I'm really only interested in sex.

Why not try a place where women might share your interests and focus less on your appearance?
posted by lynda at 12:50 PM on September 27, 2010


I might suggest you watch Joy Nash's Fat Rant, which, even though meant for women, applies to you, OP, with its message of ALL YOU HAVE IS RIGHT NOW.

Sure, if you want to lose weight, lose weight. But don't stop trying to date because you think it's because you're "too fat" for someone to love you.
posted by micawber at 1:21 PM on September 27, 2010 [3 favorites]


There's a guy in my circle of friends who I really like (and find to be quite attractive). He is at least 100lbs over weight if not more. I don't mind this and it doesn't really have any bearing on how attractive I find him.

However, he CONSTANTLY makes self deprecating jokes about his weight, how he's a "fat ass" etc. That makes me avoid him and I would never consider dating him because the jokes make me uncomfortable. I am left with two options when he makes them: 1.) Say "you're not that fat" which isn't really my job. 2.) Say, "Yeah you are SUPER fat" which I also don't want to do and feel is mean and not my job.

Is it possible you make light of your weight in the same way? I've always liked this guy but never set him up with girls I know who might like him because I think that who thing is a bit of a mine field.
posted by Saminal at 1:29 PM on September 27, 2010 [5 favorites]


[A few comments removed. Please do not derail the thread with an argument with an other user.]
posted by cortex at 1:31 PM on September 27, 2010


I won't try to sugarcoat it for you, in the bar/meat market scene most women are nearly as looks obsessed as men when it comes to "hook ups." That's not to say personality doesn't count, but it counts FAR less. That's also not to say that some women aren't attracted to significantly overweight men, but they are in the minority and are in a buyers market. The numbers are really stacked against you as an overweight man trying to "hook up" with women you have no prior acquaintance with at a bar. The numbers are generally heavily stacked against even a normal weight guy trying to pick up a woman at a bar.

While many women are far less looks oriented when it comes to relationships, semi anonymous hook ups are largely about physical attraction. Sure confidence is important, but I think it's importance is overstated. Or rather confidence is necessary, but not sufficient.

Your weight will not be a deal breaker for all women, but it will be for a lot and it will be a deal breaker for far more women who meet you anonymously in a bar versus getting to know you in other contexts.

And I should echo what other posters have asked: are you approaching similarly overweight women?
posted by whoaali at 1:40 PM on September 27, 2010


My husband is significantly overweight. He has always been, yet girls have been and continue to be attracted to him. He is a club DJ - when I met him (on the internet, yo!) I was somewhat surprised at his success both in the local music scene and with chicks digging him despite the weight - literally, it was really quite odd how many girls were into him right before we started dating, but most dropped off when we became serious. He has a good deal of self-confidence in social situations, dresses well, and is well-kept. As of now, he wears no wedding ring because it really bothers his fingers while he's DJing or when he worked with food at his other job (not something I care about, he's trustworthy), so he will tell me about drunk chicks falling all over him at his Friday night job who think he's lying about being married to get them to go away. So I guess my answer is, become the center of attention? Or meet chicks online.
posted by kpht at 2:16 PM on September 27, 2010


Normally I try to make eye contact with women I’m interested in, share a smile, and if all goes well, I approach and try to make conversation.

Thats awesome, you are already way ahead of the curve when it comes to asking these sort of questions on AskMe.

I have a mate who is huge. We're talking morbidly obese (300lbs plus).

But he is also a genuinely warm, funny and confident guy and I never cease to be amazed by the girls I see on his arm.

I can only echo everyone else in here. Bars and clubs are where superficial guys meet equally superficial girls. Get into situations where you can exude your warmth, confidence and rapier wit, rather than scream over the music in dark, sweaty nightclubs.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 2:16 PM on September 27, 2010


Although many people will overlook or even appreciate a few extra pounds, 130 extra pounds is just too much for most people, sorry. Only extreme, fetish-level chubby-chasers are going to be turned on by that. Unfortunately, there are way more obese people than there are people attracted to obese people, so simple supply-and-demand is working against you.

Fortunately, women tend to be less looks-driven than men, so if you have or can develop other appealing attributes (charming personality, social status, career/financial success, great with children, elite cunnilingus skills, etc.) that will help make up for your weight handicap.

Ultimately, to be competitive in the dating market, you're either going to have to lose the weight or work a lot harder and offer a lot more than a height-weight proportional guy.
posted by Jacqueline at 2:47 PM on September 27, 2010


Hi, OP. I've dated men ranging from underweight (6'2" and 135lbs) to obese (6'0" and 250lbs) and short (5'1") to tall (6'4"). Granted, I'm more open-minded than many women, but I want to make clear that I am by no means the only woman who can see a man who doesn't fit into current male beauty standards and think, "Damn, check out that sexy fella!" No, I am not a chubby-chaser. Or a skinny-chaser. Or a short-chaser. Or a tall-chaser. I love men. Men are sexy. Men come in different shapes and sizes. Wit, warmth, and confidence are key. While confidence can be difficult to attain, I'm a firm believer in faking it until you make it. And if you're making eye contact and approaching women, it sounds as if you project sufficient confidence. Kudos to you.
posted by pammeke at 3:56 PM on September 27, 2010 [3 favorites]


The most charming man I ever met was about 5'2" and about 250lbs, he also had red cheeks, double chins and was wearing a stained geek shirt. His smile made you feel marvelous, and he just had some way of speaking that made you want to hear more and spend more time with him. I was also married at the time, and the other female person with me felt the same.

I think some very shallow people will probably always look down on larger people, but most people can be charmed if you are good at it.
posted by meepmeow at 3:59 PM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Is this question about finding a woman to have a relationship with or finding a casual sex partner?

Given the title (Too Fat to Fuck?) and use of the phrase "hooking up," I assume it's about casual sex. If not, ignore the rest of this...

I'm also a fat guy in my early 30s who dresses okay, has a great job and other good qualities. I can't "pick up" women in bars or clubs either. My own self-image is an obstacle, but it's also just the reality of the meat market scene, as others have mentioned. Doesn't help that I'm not attracted to similarly overweight women. That's hypocritical, but I haven't been able to reason with my dick on this particular topic.

Weight loss would make it easier, but I haven't been able to do that either.

So...I want to have sex with attractive women and that isn't happening. And that's totally fair. But it isn't satisfying.

I do however have $500, so I just pay for sex. If you're in a decent-sized city and search the online escort review sites, you can find a very attractive escort for that price. There's obviously stigma associated with paying for sex. Not to mention a variety of ethical, safety and legal issues. If you can get past all that, you can have yourself an extremely gratifying sexual experience.
posted by _spoonfull at 7:27 PM on September 27, 2010


Late answer, but I wanted to address this:

Although many people will overlook or even appreciate a few extra pounds, 130 extra pounds is just too much for most people, sorry. Only extreme, fetish-level chubby-chasers are going to be turned on by that.

This is ridiculous. According to the height-weight charts, my husband is a hundred pounds overweight. I think that he's super hot. I don't have some sort of fetish, I just think that he's attractive. Full stop. I've dated (and had casual sex with) people who ranged from pretty damn skinny (6'2" and 130 pounds soaking wet was a standout) to a hundred or hundred and fifty pounds overweight, because--shocker--I liked them as people, and I found them attractive.

Having been both fat and thin, it's harder to find casual sex partners when you're fat, but certainly not impossible. Going in thinking that girls don't like fat guys is only going to hurt your odds.
posted by MeghanC at 9:52 PM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


130 lbs overweight. This is the first impression you are giving off in person at bars and clubs.
posted by hal_c_on at 10:52 PM on September 27, 2010 [1 favorite]


Yeah, I have to say - losing weight is really interesting, and it changes things a lot. I've been losing weight, and with just a 10 lb difference, I'm seeing much much better results. I feel more confident, because I feel really good about all the exercise and healthy eating - its a lot of work! So, there's that also, feeling good about what you are doing.

I think weight loss will improve your game. But not only by physical appearance, but by changing the way you feel about yourself.

The combined result - a much hotter you.

The only thing - attracting more people doesn't mean better people, you will still have to pick and choose carefully through your new options.
posted by Locochona at 3:29 AM on September 28, 2010


Despite the endless pronouncements on it, it's hard to gauge how 130 extra pounds looks on you without knowing more about your body type. Despite the absolute certainty of some people on here, I know a guy who's 130 pounds overweight and is more just imposing than fat -- he's 6'6" -- and has no trouble attracting MOTAS. It helps that he's smart, sweet and funny, of course.

And I think most of us know obese men who attract wonderful, amazing, well-deserved life partners (and not necessarily ones who "match" their societal approval levels).

But you don't seem to be talking about life partners; you're out to pick up chicks. Well, when you go to pick-up bars looking for a "date" for the night, you're in the wrong place. Just because pick-up joints don't label their fetishes doesn't mean that very specific physical types aren't on deck. In a way, they are fetish clubs, but because the fetishes are unsignified, it's not as obvious. It's like entering a figure skating competition and expecting to be judged on your ballroom dancing. You're the AAA chested woman at "Big Boobies" night.

If you want to find people who are going to want to schtupp you based on your body type, you may want to start actively seeking groups dedicated to people who like your body type. This may mean, for you, actively dealing with the idea that people attracted to "thin" are "normal" and that people attracted to "fat" are "perverts". Being attracted to specific body types of whatever shape is a pretty common human limitation, and people can be skeevy or not over their preferences regardless of how much they match the perceived norm. But in the end, pick-up joints are about hooking up with someone because you like their body and they can pass your social filter. If that's what you're looking for, you're going to have to seek out the places where the chicks are looking for YOU.
posted by endless_forms at 10:09 AM on September 28, 2010


I dropped 50 pounds and toned up quite a bit in 2010. It makes a world of difference.
posted by limon at 10:32 AM on September 29, 2010


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