Help me find my attraction! Please!
September 27, 2010 7:17 AM Subscribe
About a week ago, I was lying down on my bed not feeling well emotionally - I had been very low feeling and had lots of anxieties and stressful feeling for months.
Pretty much, I was feeling very low and negative for months since March. Before March, I had my crushes on different guys who I knew and this was fairly constant since about 13-14 years of age (I have never crushed on girls before.) And yes I did worry, I had come out to my Mom around that same time around the end of February / beginning of March and I started being worried about and started doubting my sexuality due to not being able to fully take the pressure of my Mom since she started to worry about it and cry about it and I was wondering was it worth telling her. (My reason was that I always lied about who I liked to my parents and I felt that since my Mom is a nice parent who cares and is a very logical person. Also, since then my sexuality went on a downturn along with nights with low sleep and constant fatigue. Some months later I was still worrying and doubting what I deep inside knew was true about myself. My sexuality went on a downturn in that I stopped crushing on practically anyone. Even a lot of the crushes that I'd had felt as if they had disappeared. I'd see the person and wonder where all of the feelings went. And while... ummmm... pleasuring myself I'd still have guys in my thoughts though it would be mostly crushes from the past. Not really any new crushes being formed. Occasionally there'd be small blips on it, but very brief.
A couple of weeks ago, I went to an endocrinologist and got some tests done for T-levels, prolactin, and some brain chemicals tested through bloodwork. About a week later, I was lying down on my bed in the evening - not sleeping and I suddenly felt and uplift in my mood for no apparent reason. Not a high, but I suddenly felt better. It's harder for me to worry so much about different things and I feel more positive - something which my parents, friends, doctor, and psychotherapist seem to notice. Today in the morning, I went for a followup today to my endocrinologist. She told me that my blood tests are all fine. I noticed that my testosterone levels are at the high end of the normal level about 1000-something.
So here is where the question is: where have my crushes left and why am I not making new ones? In the past I could've blamed anxiety, but now since that has mostly left me and I feel better, I'm wondering why I'm not crushing so much on people. I doubt that my attraction is completely gone, but seriously what is going on? And my psychotherapist is as clueless as me.