Babies are cute enough to start all over again!
September 24, 2010 2:34 PM Subscribe
Why the sudden urge to have a baby with my partner when I wasn’t ever that into babies in the first place and I already had kids with someone else, and will it go away?
I have two boys, who are 7 and 12. I had never had a desire to have children, and I had them because their dad really wanted to have them. I have nightmares when I remember how hard dealing with babies and toddlers was. My kid’s dad was in the military and was deployed most of our marriage, which left me as a partnered parent attempting to do everything on my own without any sort of support system when I had babies and toddlers. We split up before I gave birth to the 7 year old. My children lived with me up until a few years ago, when I made the difficult decision to have them go live with their dad so I could get out of an abusive relationship. Due to an act of self-preservation during that relationship, and pressure from this ex, I got myself fixed. I assumed this wouldn’t present any issues, as I’d never had any desire to have babies, and the obvious fact I already have 2 kids.
Fast forward a few years. I’m now in my early 30s, in a wonderful relationship, and I’ve suddenly been hit by an overwhelming aching desire to have a baby with this man. I can logically argue with myself that I hated waking up in the middle of the night, that babies are expensive, that why on earth would we start over again after making it through the toddler years, that we would have to deal with IVF, which is an obscene amount of money for even trying to have babies, and yet there I was sobbing in the car on Wednesday because I might never have his baby.
My partner has an 11 year old with his ex-wife. He’s told me on multiple occasions that he would love to have a baby with me, but he’d be just as happy if we didn’t. We could afford the IVF, but to do so would mean putting off other goals and dreams we’d discussed. Of some relevance- we do have regular visitation with all 3 kids, and I have the knowledge that we parent in a very similar style. I’m trying to figure out if this is just my biological clock booming in my head (and why now, when I already have kids?), or if this is a selfish desire to get a re-do on having babies with a new partner? I have gotten so much flack for being a non-custodial mother that I've been left second guessing my desires and motivations, and whether or not it's normal to crave having a baby.
I have two boys, who are 7 and 12. I had never had a desire to have children, and I had them because their dad really wanted to have them. I have nightmares when I remember how hard dealing with babies and toddlers was. My kid’s dad was in the military and was deployed most of our marriage, which left me as a partnered parent attempting to do everything on my own without any sort of support system when I had babies and toddlers. We split up before I gave birth to the 7 year old. My children lived with me up until a few years ago, when I made the difficult decision to have them go live with their dad so I could get out of an abusive relationship. Due to an act of self-preservation during that relationship, and pressure from this ex, I got myself fixed. I assumed this wouldn’t present any issues, as I’d never had any desire to have babies, and the obvious fact I already have 2 kids.
Fast forward a few years. I’m now in my early 30s, in a wonderful relationship, and I’ve suddenly been hit by an overwhelming aching desire to have a baby with this man. I can logically argue with myself that I hated waking up in the middle of the night, that babies are expensive, that why on earth would we start over again after making it through the toddler years, that we would have to deal with IVF, which is an obscene amount of money for even trying to have babies, and yet there I was sobbing in the car on Wednesday because I might never have his baby.
My partner has an 11 year old with his ex-wife. He’s told me on multiple occasions that he would love to have a baby with me, but he’d be just as happy if we didn’t. We could afford the IVF, but to do so would mean putting off other goals and dreams we’d discussed. Of some relevance- we do have regular visitation with all 3 kids, and I have the knowledge that we parent in a very similar style. I’m trying to figure out if this is just my biological clock booming in my head (and why now, when I already have kids?), or if this is a selfish desire to get a re-do on having babies with a new partner? I have gotten so much flack for being a non-custodial mother that I've been left second guessing my desires and motivations, and whether or not it's normal to crave having a baby.
Oh sweetie, what a dilemma. I feel for you. I had three kids by the time I was 25, one of them adopted. I ended up raising them pretty much on my own, their dad left, but I was open to the possibility of having another, or adopting another if the right partner came along. It didn't happen. Don't listen to the shit people give you about being a non-custodial parent. You did what was right at the time and I'm sure you'll figure out what's right now. Do consider adopting, I love my adopted son every bit as much as the other two.
posted by mareli at 3:01 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by mareli at 3:01 PM on September 24, 2010
You're a GOOD mother. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You made a difficult decision, but you did so because it was in the best interests of your children. Anyone who gives you flack for that is wrong, plain and simple. If you and your partner want to have a baby, do it. And you may find that caring for an infant is a much different experience when there's a wonderful and supportive partner sharing the work with you. I think your desire is perfectly normal and unselfish, and I wish you and your partner the best.
posted by Ruki at 3:06 PM on September 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by Ruki at 3:06 PM on September 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
You ask whether you're just trying for a "re-do." But there aren't really any "re-do"s in life, since the people we've affected are still going to be out there, their own lives shaped by the things we've done already.
Not that there's any such thing as the perfect childhood, but it does sound like your kids have been through a lot. Deployment by Dad, divorce, witnessing Mom in an abusive relationship, abrupt change in primary caretaker (and at a bad age for this, too, if my math is right). I have to be honest here, if I were one of your two children, I'd feel like I'd been pushed out of the nest to make room for another child. I'd also just plain miss you.
I think it's admirable that you got yourself and your kids out of an abusive situation. Now that the crisis is past, maybe you could put energies toward expanding your time with your children. A new baby would definitely take up a lot of those energies.
posted by palliser at 3:40 PM on September 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Not that there's any such thing as the perfect childhood, but it does sound like your kids have been through a lot. Deployment by Dad, divorce, witnessing Mom in an abusive relationship, abrupt change in primary caretaker (and at a bad age for this, too, if my math is right). I have to be honest here, if I were one of your two children, I'd feel like I'd been pushed out of the nest to make room for another child. I'd also just plain miss you.
I think it's admirable that you got yourself and your kids out of an abusive situation. Now that the crisis is past, maybe you could put energies toward expanding your time with your children. A new baby would definitely take up a lot of those energies.
posted by palliser at 3:40 PM on September 24, 2010 [3 favorites]
Is it possible that this has less to do with a desire for children (you're pretty clear that babies are not your thing, which is totally fine) and more to do with your relationship with your current partner?
posted by MadamM at 3:45 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by MadamM at 3:45 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Hmmm... I don't know whether you should or should not have children but it's clearly tormenting you. Given that you have 3 kids under your care (or near-care, as it were) that need your love and attention, if I were you and trying to get over the urge to procreate, I think I'd figure out a way to put more energy into the three existing kids. And, maybe channel some of that energy into a volunteer organization -- working with kids or pets or families in need. I don't think that will replace this desire which is probably some combination of hormones and your current life situation which is so much different than it was. But, it may give you something really meaningful to hold onto. Maybe you and your partner could do this together.
Also, those three kids will need college. Babies suck up time, energy and money. Or so I've heard....
The older I get the more I feel like hormones rule everything -- far more than we think. However, even if that's the case, it doesn't make the feelings less real. Good luck -- this sounds agonizing for you.
posted by amanda at 4:33 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also, those three kids will need college. Babies suck up time, energy and money. Or so I've heard....
The older I get the more I feel like hormones rule everything -- far more than we think. However, even if that's the case, it doesn't make the feelings less real. Good luck -- this sounds agonizing for you.
posted by amanda at 4:33 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
I don't know-- while it's obviously important to take your own feelings seriously, it's also worth remembering that you're in the prime age when lots of women experience biological-clock alarms and hormonal baby cravings. Such feelings are partly a legitimate response to one's life situation, I'm sure, but from what I've read, there's also a large biological component, which would presumably be unswayed by mere incidentals like the fact of your having previously had two children, etc. And that may mean that it's worth giving the rational, non-hormonally-driven part of your psyche-- the part that's saying that this will be very difficult and expensive, that you're not really a baby person anyway, etc.-- at least equal say with this new baby-hungry, sobbing-in-the-car self.
There are some great threads on the green dealing with the baby fever phenomenon; it does sound as though it reliably passes with time, and as though many women emerge from it still thankful and proud to be child-free. You might at least give this a few months to see how stable these feelings are, and whether they ebb or wane with changes in other circumstances in your life and in your relationship. It's a pretty big, expensive decision to make in the teeth of a merely biochemical craving, and what you've said about the suddenness and fervency of these feelings does make them sound a little more like hormones than like a rational, normal response to being in love with a good guy.
posted by Bardolph at 4:43 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
There are some great threads on the green dealing with the baby fever phenomenon; it does sound as though it reliably passes with time, and as though many women emerge from it still thankful and proud to be child-free. You might at least give this a few months to see how stable these feelings are, and whether they ebb or wane with changes in other circumstances in your life and in your relationship. It's a pretty big, expensive decision to make in the teeth of a merely biochemical craving, and what you've said about the suddenness and fervency of these feelings does make them sound a little more like hormones than like a rational, normal response to being in love with a good guy.
posted by Bardolph at 4:43 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oops, forgot to link: Baby cravings 1; Baby cravings 2.
posted by Bardolph at 4:46 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by Bardolph at 4:46 PM on September 24, 2010
Sometimes our bodies tell us truths our brain hasn't figured out yet.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:53 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 5:53 PM on September 24, 2010 [2 favorites]
Perhaps, given your past experience, it would be useful to talk to a therapist about your current state of mind. Not that there is anything necessarily wrong with wanting to have a baby now, with this man; however, talking things over with a neutral party might help resolve the issue and discover the source of your emotions.
It might be that in experiencing for the first time in your life a loving, amazing relationship, you want something joyously shared that encompasses what you feel. Or it could be hormonal, and this baby craving might be a passing phase. You especially don't want to get pregnant and then find that it isn't something you want. Or perhaps subconsciously - based on what other people tell you about being a non-custodial parent - there's residual guilt or a sense of duty that is surfacing, that makes you want to "set things right" by having another baby. I'm no therapist, obviously.
Whatever it is, I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your significant other.
posted by Everydayville at 6:12 PM on September 24, 2010
It might be that in experiencing for the first time in your life a loving, amazing relationship, you want something joyously shared that encompasses what you feel. Or it could be hormonal, and this baby craving might be a passing phase. You especially don't want to get pregnant and then find that it isn't something you want. Or perhaps subconsciously - based on what other people tell you about being a non-custodial parent - there's residual guilt or a sense of duty that is surfacing, that makes you want to "set things right" by having another baby. I'm no therapist, obviously.
Whatever it is, I hope you make the best decision for yourself and your significant other.
posted by Everydayville at 6:12 PM on September 24, 2010
I've got 2 kids from my first marriage who are teenagers now--I also split from their dad before the youngest was born. I've been with my current husband for about 7 years. During the first couple years of our relationship we were considering having kids together--he has none. However, over the course of time due to various factors, it became increasingly clear to me that having more kids was just not the right thing for us to do.
During that time when we were thinking about kids, one of the most powerful emotions I felt was this desire to "do it right"--to have a child with the right father, to stay together and raise a child with a co-parent, etc. etc. For fuck's sake, just to have my baby's father there in the room with me when I gave birth. Deep down, I wanted *that* version of parenthood--more than I really, truly wanted another child.
The other part of it was being in that very strong, semi-irrational state of falling in love known as "limerance."
I've made peace with the fact that we're not going to have kids together, though there are moments when I spot the most adorable toddler in the world and feel that pang....
I don't know how far you are into your current relationship, but one thing that helped in this coming-to-peace process was getting past the limerance phase of our relationship and seeing my husband in a more realistic light.
Also, my kids have faced their share of challenges in getting to where they are, and adding another child to the mix would have absolutely zero positive effect for them, and quite possibly negative.
The one final thing that has really helped let go of any baby desires been seeing both kids through puberty. I'm pretty happy that this time through the terrible twelves will be my last.
posted by drlith at 6:44 PM on September 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
During that time when we were thinking about kids, one of the most powerful emotions I felt was this desire to "do it right"--to have a child with the right father, to stay together and raise a child with a co-parent, etc. etc. For fuck's sake, just to have my baby's father there in the room with me when I gave birth. Deep down, I wanted *that* version of parenthood--more than I really, truly wanted another child.
The other part of it was being in that very strong, semi-irrational state of falling in love known as "limerance."
I've made peace with the fact that we're not going to have kids together, though there are moments when I spot the most adorable toddler in the world and feel that pang....
I don't know how far you are into your current relationship, but one thing that helped in this coming-to-peace process was getting past the limerance phase of our relationship and seeing my husband in a more realistic light.
Also, my kids have faced their share of challenges in getting to where they are, and adding another child to the mix would have absolutely zero positive effect for them, and quite possibly negative.
The one final thing that has really helped let go of any baby desires been seeing both kids through puberty. I'm pretty happy that this time through the terrible twelves will be my last.
posted by drlith at 6:44 PM on September 24, 2010 [6 favorites]
Something like your episode in the car can be emotionally true without demanding that you actually act upon it. Emotions remove us from the present moment, they present a holistic vision of our lives and project it upon our present circumstances.
If you have this baby, it will be far more than the symbol you're craving -- and far less. It will be a real thing that you chose over other real, equally important things. I think you should enjoy the life you have and the children you have and the partner you have and put that love and effort into making things better for existing people; you and your partner seem to be at similar tipping points in your ambivalence, but that does not add up to two people who definitely want a baby.
posted by hermitosis at 7:11 PM on September 24, 2010
If you have this baby, it will be far more than the symbol you're craving -- and far less. It will be a real thing that you chose over other real, equally important things. I think you should enjoy the life you have and the children you have and the partner you have and put that love and effort into making things better for existing people; you and your partner seem to be at similar tipping points in your ambivalence, but that does not add up to two people who definitely want a baby.
posted by hermitosis at 7:11 PM on September 24, 2010
If this is a recent feeling, I'd just sit on it for a while and see if anything changes. I intellectually don't want kids, but a couple of times over the past 10 years I've been hit with a fairly intense desire for a baby, and then it's faded out within a few months. I think it's probably hormones playing up. (And incidentally, one of the times when I was really hit hard by a desire for babies was when I was on medication that increased my estrogen by a huge amount.)
If it doesn't go away over the next year or so, then re-evaluate.
posted by lollusc at 7:16 PM on September 24, 2010
If it doesn't go away over the next year or so, then re-evaluate.
posted by lollusc at 7:16 PM on September 24, 2010
I think drlith has it exactly right.
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:18 PM on September 24, 2010
posted by jenfullmoon at 8:18 PM on September 24, 2010
I have two children who are now 12 and 13, and have been divorced from their dad for about 10 years. I had my tubes tied when my youngest was born. Before I remarried a couple years ago, I repeatedly asked my husband if he was absolutely sure he wasn't ever going to want his own biological kids. I didn't nag and I did my best to stay rational about it, but, too me, it was an important thing to consider, especially since I was about to turn 40 and there was no way we could afford IVF, even if I'd wanted to go that route.
He told me that he loved the kids we have and that he was sure he wanted to be with me. He reminded me that the kids are going to grow up and leave our house, but we'll still be together.
If it had been feasible for me to have a child with my husband, we might have considered it, but it wasn't. I totally understand what you're feeling. I felt sad thinking that it was something we'd never share. I fretted and cried about it. On the other hand, although I love my children tremendously, I was never a big fan of the no-sleep, diaper-changing, etc. years, and I'm glad I won't have to do that again.
I think that the advice that this is a completely natural thing to feel, but also that you don't have to do it RIGHT NOW, is good. Talk about it some more. Make some pro/con lists together and separately. Think about how it will affect both of you and your children.
posted by lilywing13 at 2:31 AM on September 25, 2010
He told me that he loved the kids we have and that he was sure he wanted to be with me. He reminded me that the kids are going to grow up and leave our house, but we'll still be together.
If it had been feasible for me to have a child with my husband, we might have considered it, but it wasn't. I totally understand what you're feeling. I felt sad thinking that it was something we'd never share. I fretted and cried about it. On the other hand, although I love my children tremendously, I was never a big fan of the no-sleep, diaper-changing, etc. years, and I'm glad I won't have to do that again.
I think that the advice that this is a completely natural thing to feel, but also that you don't have to do it RIGHT NOW, is good. Talk about it some more. Make some pro/con lists together and separately. Think about how it will affect both of you and your children.
posted by lilywing13 at 2:31 AM on September 25, 2010
I'm child-free, and I went through that too, with someone who was *completely* unsuitable as a father. Combine deep love with hormonal imperatives that come at your age, and there you are.
Yes, it will go away, if you wait it out. If you don't, well--congratulations. :-)
posted by RedEmma at 8:18 AM on September 25, 2010
Yes, it will go away, if you wait it out. If you don't, well--congratulations. :-)
posted by RedEmma at 8:18 AM on September 25, 2010
Response by poster: Thanks for the reassurance that this feeling is normal. We certainly aren't rushing into anything- if we did end up having a baby, it would be a few years from now. I just started feeling totally insane about the desire. I figure we've got several years to decide.
And to palliser's post, both my kids and I have been in therapy- it was one of the things I insisted on. The odds are actually quite low that they will live full time with me, as they have adjusted nicely and it seemed really unfair to them to uproot them again just because I had stabilized and got my life in order.
posted by Zophi at 11:06 AM on September 25, 2010
And to palliser's post, both my kids and I have been in therapy- it was one of the things I insisted on. The odds are actually quite low that they will live full time with me, as they have adjusted nicely and it seemed really unfair to them to uproot them again just because I had stabilized and got my life in order.
posted by Zophi at 11:06 AM on September 25, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Best of luck!
posted by fantasticninety at 2:59 PM on September 24, 2010 [1 favorite]