Losing my second virginity in Vegas.

September 22, 2010 6:35 PM

I'm British, male, in my late twenties, straight, and it's years since I last slept with a woman. Years. I'm going to be in Las Vegas in a few weeks and I'm wondering about resurrecting my lost sexuality there. Please help me think this through.

Somehow after my last relationship ended I've never been with anyone else. Over the years since then I've changed a lot, partly through growing older and partly through addressing some underlying problems with low self-esteem, depression, and social isolation. I'm in a good place now, fairly happy, more confident than I used to be, with some friends, and in many ways I've come back to life. I'm a decent person, more or less, and other people seem to like me well enough. I'm confident in my work and I have reasonably good social skills - I like people and they seem to like me back. I've even dipped my toes into online dating a little bit. My main problem now is that I'm very anxious about sex. I know that sooner or later I'll meet someone nice and that nature will take its course, but my abject terror at the thought of it is holding me back. I'm scared partly because I didn't used to be very good at it anyway, and I don't want to be humiliated, and partly because it's been so long since I last made myself so vulnerable with anyone. I think of it as a kind of second-virginity, something made shameful by my advancing age. It's really about time I dealt with this now.

Anyway, for completely unrelated reasons, I'm going to be in Las Vegas for one week quite soon. I'm thinking this could be a golden opportunity to slay my personal demon, and I could use your advice. I'll be staying at the MGM Grand right on the Strip, I'll have my own hotel room, and this seems like it could be the perfect time to finally, at long last, do this thing. Any comments, suggestions, or insights you could give would really help me a lot.

I suppose my first question is: Do you think this is workable? I'm average looking with a number of physical flaws (shaven head, overweight, seriously bodily hairy, I have funny-looking teeth, and I'm uncircumcised - whether that counts as a flaw or not in the USA, I don't know). On the upside, I'm tall, sort of funny, and, so I'm told, 'lovely'. My worry is that rather than being (as I initially assumed) surrounded by available women looking for a good time, some of whom might find me acceptably attractive, I'm actually going to be surrounded by more attractive, more confident, better looking men who so comprehensively out-compete me as to make my plan ridiculous. Assuming that's not the case, how would you approach this if you were in my position? I'm more of bar person than a club person, and I don't want to do anything that I can't reconcile morally (like trying to pick up someone who's had too much to drink, or hiring a sex worker). I need real, practical advice. Also - I realise that in writing this I may seem to be treating women as essentially homogenous, sex-dispensing automatons. This doesn't really reflect my feelings so much as my difficulty in writing this down and thinking it through, if that makes sense. Which I don't think it does. Please, please give me the benefit of the doubt here.

Anyway, I've written far too much and I'm not wholly sure I've said what I meant to say anyway. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Disposable email: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (26 answers total)

Vegas did this for me once, after a bad breakup. Met her on the plane. And I stayed at the MGM Grand. There are a lot of people letting go there.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:43 PM on September 22, 2010

My (American female) two cents: funny + British accent overcomes a lot of physical flaws for me. But I'm not the kind of girl you'll meet in a bar in Vegas, so grain of salt.
posted by parkerjackson at 6:44 PM on September 22, 2010 [10 favorites]

If you haven't done the online dating thing, this is a good time to set up a profile on OK Cupid and look specifically for people in Las Vegas who could show you a good time. I wouldn't make this all about "MUST GET LAID" [or if you're super serious in that direction, hire an escort which seems like it's not your hting] but to have some low stakes good times with someone that might wind you up in the sack. It's possible to do something similar with Craigslist, but I know nothing about that sort of thing.

A few things about what you said

- no one cares if you're circumcised, I suspect, and hair can be a positive or a negative. Be well-groomed and have some clothes that look good on you
- your British accent will add three points to your looks which doesn't occur to you maybe but is the first thing I thought of
- it is pretty impossible you weren't good at sex, though some people just fit badly with other people, or get nervous, or whatever. Few people are innately good OR bad at sex, don't worry about this part.

Also, I know you're feeling sort of wrapped around the axle on this but the "my advancing age" thing made me giggle a little. You're in your 20s which is historically a decade for bumbling, so I think you're okay.

So, put up a profile, make some introductions, see if you can meet some women who might enjoy showing the new guy around or something. Make it clear you're short-timing it in Vegas and not looking to get married so much as hook up. Leave the "oh I haven't been with a woman in forever" stuff aside. I'm not quite sure how you move from there to the "hey I have a hotel room..." part but I'm sure other people have advice in that direction.
posted by jessamyn at 6:52 PM on September 22, 2010 [4 favorites]

FWIW - I dig the shaved head, seriously hairy type. That's not a come on. I've already got one of those.

Buy some drinks for some women. Flirt. Have a good time. Make sure your cell number works in the states and give out your number often. You'll get a date. And hopefully you'll get laid. Good luck!
posted by dchrssyr at 6:53 PM on September 22, 2010

I suppose my first question is: Do you think this is workable?

I don't know why, but a British accent is one of those things that's really going to help you here when it comes to attracting women. I think as long as you can smile and be funny and have a really good time, you will be able to achieve your goals for sure.
posted by Ashley801 at 6:56 PM on September 22, 2010

I think the most important thing you can do is not put too much pressure on yourself. If you decide you must! get! laid! in Vegas, that's going to come across in your interactions with people. Set goals for yourself that you yourself can reach- I will talk to a certain number of new girls a day, like, I dunno, 3. For starters, you could probably do a good job meeting girls by the pool (sit down near them, start small talk) or at a table at the casino (sit down, start playing, let the good times roll). I like jessamyn's idea, too, of setting up dates in advance of getting there. Open yourself to the magic that is Vegas. Say "Yes" all week long. Want to go here, go there, do this, do that, people will ask? Yes. This is your time for adventure, friend! I am jealous. Play a little blackjack for me.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 6:56 PM on September 22, 2010 [2 favorites]

Oh, and the how: there are plenty of wonderful women there, just flirt. Let the rest happen or not. I'd start now, no need to wait for the trip.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:03 PM on September 22, 2010

Also, remember, this is a game of numbers. The more you interact and socialize with, the better of a chance you will have. Don't just set your sites on 1 girl. If someone's flirting with you at the bar, by all means, give it a go. If it doesn't work, pull up anchor and move on.

If you don't feel any sort of exchange, move on. No need to be mean or rude about it, but just make sure you play the odds (I'm not talking about the odd looking girls here- sorry bad humor).

Also, I 100% agree with thepinksuperhero- say "yes to everything!

I give this advice totally with the mindset that you are looking for a one night stand. Nothing long term, nothing more than having a good time.
posted by TheBones at 7:09 PM on September 22, 2010

Not even sure what the underlying question is really, but having read all of that here are some thoughts on it in general:
1. Given your anxieties, sex with someone you've just met and barely know is probably going to be nerve racking and, at best, detached.

2. You seem to be putting a lot on this Vegas trip as an opportunity to get over a big 'problem'- by doing so you seem to be setting yourself up for failure.

3. You're right that this is an opportunity, of sorts, but I'd urge you to put it in a much different context: this is a great chance to practice flirting with tons of girls in a fun environment who you will never have to see again. That being said, you probably will not and should not have sex with any of them. Your goal for this trip should probably be something more along the lines of interacting with lots of women in a low-pressure, low-stakes environment.

4. Another reason this is a good opportunity is that your accent will allow you to start conversations with pretty much any woman and hold her attention for at least a short while; that being said, if the things comings out of your mouth sound anything like the neurotic shit in your post above it's going to shut down quickly (I don't mean to be a dick with the 'neurotic shit' comment- that's what runs through most guys heads too- its just that it's the opposite of what you want to be thinking and talking about while interacting).

5. Here's some things to think about/focus on instead: creating a mutually enjoyable interaction (you can make all sorts of hay with "Americans are so weird for doing x" type observational stuff, and you can start an interesting conversation with any sort of American vs British cultural question), evaluating her personality and whether or not you actually think she's cool, and expecting that most people will like talking to you because you are charming and interesting. Some will not, but that's ok.

6. Some final tips- don't buy drinks, don't be self-effacing, and take note of what works for creating positive emotional responses. Take this all home with you, meet different girls, and start a real relationship with someone you really like. By then, I think your initial concerns about sex will be nullified.

Cheers
posted by jimmysmits at 7:10 PM on September 22, 2010 [6 favorites]

I'm not quite sure how you move from there to the "hey I have a hotel room..." part but I'm sure other people have advice in that direction.

My experience there was that people knew the score. Nobody is in the casino for long.
posted by Ironmouth at 7:13 PM on September 22, 2010

My professional rock n blues guitarist hubby, and (former!) ladies man says you should have a great time, be friendly, talk (and listen!) ... and wait for them to ask you. He has long claimed to have never been turned down because he always waited until the woman came on to him ... you don't have to go with the first one ... make sure it's someone you are interested in, and just have a good time ... nature will then take it's course if it's to be. And yes, the british accent ought to play in your favor! And, please!, late 20's is NOT "of advancing age" !
posted by batikrose at 7:13 PM on September 22, 2010

get drunk and find a target.
posted by Frasermoo at 7:22 PM on September 22, 2010

Women go to Vegas looking to hook up too. Don't worry about inadvertently objectifying or denigrating women by hoping that you might get to spend some intimate time with one during your visit--you sound like you've got your head fairly straight about it. Your intentions are solid. You don't need to worry, you need to lighten up and let it be a fun trip.

Nthing that your accent is a silver bullet. Not only do American women get a little weak in the knees over British accents anyway, it's a built-in conversation starter. Be British around enough women and you are bound to have them ask where you're from, why you're in the US, what brought you to Vegas, etc. Order your drinks loudly enough and the world's your oyster.
posted by padraigin at 7:33 PM on September 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

nthing what others are saying above about not making this such a nail. Flirt, goof around, be fun, but by all means, do not turn this into a goal to be accomplished. You'll just end up seeming desperate, and it seems to me that girls can just smell that.
posted by Gilbert at 9:05 PM on September 22, 2010

I'm a couple years older than you (31) and based on your description of yourself, I thought "too bad he isn't coming to New York." And I LIVE HERE. Just saying.

Those hotter, more confident men? That really means nothing after a minute or two if they can't have a conversation. Not saying hot guys can't be awesome...but it's a very very very small part of the equation...for me (and a lot of women I know).

I agree with jimmysmits that you're putting a lot on yourself. Go forth and flirt. If something happens, cool! If not, oh well, fun week in Vegas!
posted by AlisonM at 9:08 PM on September 22, 2010

I have no specific advice about how to rectify your situation, but I do have a warning. Las Vegas is chock full o'hookers, so if as you mention you don't want to employ a sex worker, be a bit discriminating in who you chat up, especially in hotel bars on the Strip, or it might become a very expensive evening indeed.
posted by pdb at 9:17 PM on September 22, 2010 [1 favorite]

Agree about the "great flirt practice." Don't put too much pressure on yourself and things are more likely to happen. I'd also have a local (U.S.) phone number ... easy enough to get a Virgin pre-pay SIM. No one wants to dial internationally to set up a second date.

Good luck!
posted by cyndigo at 9:52 PM on September 22, 2010

I say this for all the right reasons but basically, don't plan on having sex.

The odds aren't in your favor unless you seriously play the numbers or have some luck, and to be honest, all the planning/anticipation is what is going to kill any chance you had of getting any.

The sooner you can put it out of your mind that you won't have sex on this trip and just focus on having a fun time and meeting new people, the better off you will be, and incidentally the higher your chances will be for getting laid.
posted by Elminster24 at 10:23 PM on September 22, 2010

TV and movies make it look like Vegas is full of busty models wearing really high heels and short sparkly dresses. It just isn't true.

Lots and lots of everyday, ordinary women go to Vegas to let loose and have a lot of fun. Las Vegas = 98% ordinary, 5% sparkly models.

The accent and being a fun guy are major bonuses. American girls go NUTS for guys with English/Scotch/Irish/Australian accents. Throw in a few "blokes" and "mates" and any other of your local terms we don't hear on this side of the pond and you're even more golden. Go to the places where ladies are letting loose (probably where they can dance and drink) and have fun. Most women I know go to Vegas to have a good time, laugh, and party. Give out your number a lot and be fun and friendly.

Most of all, relax and try to just enjoy yourself. Even normal women can smell desperation.

(I agree with what pdb said about watching who you chat up at bars. If a good looking woman is at a bar by herself it's probably not a good sign. Most of the people I know who go to Vegas for a visit travel in groups. That's not to say they aren't willing to break away for a special date, just that if they're having a night out they will usually be with friends. My experience is from visiting, so I don't know what the locals would be like.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 10:31 PM on September 22, 2010

Lots of great advice above and I would add that it's probably worth looking around online for reviews of Vegas clubs and bars to get some sense of the ages of people who tend to go to 'em, if they're half-way quiet or not, etc.

LV has a staggering range of clubs, bars, faux pubs, piano bars, lounges with low-key music.

On a general level, on the odd chance that you do have success and your anxiety gets the better of you, yeah, it wouldn't be good, but it wouldn't gum up the works with someone with whom you might have a future so... have a go.

At the risk of being indelicate, I don't know your thoughts on what ages strike you as desirable, appropriate and such, but it's not inconceivable that your chances might be better with women who are older than you are.
posted by ambient2 at 12:07 AM on September 23, 2010

This link may be useful. Summarizing the advice: Meet at casinos or bars, not nightclubs. Ask where they're from to make sure they're not prostitutes. You won't close the deal until around 2:00 am, because people are still partying before that. So anyone you meet at 10:00, just let them know where you'll be later, and then be there. Look for the girl who's interested in you, not the hottest girl you can find.
posted by kingjoeshmoe at 1:10 AM on September 23, 2010

I hope you have some wingmen there cuz it's a lot harder to talk to chicks if your the lone guy rather than dude with friends. If you don't, get some! Try meeting men at gambling tables too ( I recommend low stakes pai gow at Osheas) mention you're there to pick up women and would they like to try hitting this bar tonite ( try Voodoo Lounge at the Rio).

Take Vegas as an opportunity to flirt and be open to anything and it'll be fun whether you get it on or not.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 4:17 AM on September 23, 2010

If you're uncircumcised, and end up needing to buy condoms in the US, be sure to leave a pinch at the end and use a drop of lube when they go on. Helps it work better with the foreskin and keeps it from splitting. From experience here, the brands in the US are definitely different.

Good luck with everything else.
posted by Cuppatea at 6:15 AM on September 23, 2010 [1 favorite]

Oh, and my experience in Vegas is that there are a lot of hookers who want you to believe that they are just "girls out having fun." It was really strange the first time I was there, three or four of these women with fake bake and a lot of make up came up to me and my boss (in suits) for no reason. A very skinny woman immediately started coming on to me and told me that her boyfriend had broken up with her that day because she was "too fat." It was not believable, I'm not sure if I was even supposed to believe it. This was all at the Ghostbar.

the next set of nearly identical women spent 10 minutes looking around for a lost camera again and again in a totally bare area. My boss and I exchanged looks after about 3 minutes. There were like three benches and cement on the whole balcony. There was no place for a camera at all.

So don't get dragged in. When I did hook up there, I met the nice woman on the plane. I wasn't really looking for anything, but she was--sort of on a mission like yours. I suspect you can find similar women yourself.

Dress well. I'd wear a jacket/dress pants or jacket/dress shirt/jeans thing. Use your accent to your advantage.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:59 PM on September 23, 2010

Ironmouth and another guy upthread nail it... TONS of hookers in Vegas.

You may have to approach it a tad cynically... if the chick is obviously coming on to you first, there's a chance she's a pro.
posted by BobFrapples at 2:54 PM on September 23, 2010

If you need to get laid that bad, prostitution is legal in Nevada in the rural counties (e.g. not legal in Clark or Washoe County).
posted by gov_moonbeam at 1:53 PM on September 24, 2010