You can lose what you never had
September 17, 2010 9:31 AM   Subscribe

[Word Filter] Is there a term to describe the disappointment you feel at losing something that you never actually had and didn't really want or plan for? It can be in English or another language. Examples inside.

My sister and I were talking about this last night. Two examples we thought of:

After a job interview, you start thinking you don't want the job after all, but you're still disappointed when you don't get an offer.

I have to have an outpatient procedure soon that would require me to wait 6-8 months before conceiving. Mr. Scarnato and I didn't have any actual plans to start on the baby thing, but now we're both bummed about having to wait.

So is there a word for this? Maybe something German? (A language that comes up with schadenfreude has to have a word for this, right?)
posted by scarnato to Writing & Language (17 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
Sour grapes?
posted by radioaction at 9:46 AM on September 17, 2010


The overarching term is probably cognitive dissonance. You might call it 'reverse sour grapes' because rather than trying to rationalize being okay with wanting something but not getting it by claiming that you didn't want it after all, you're disappointed that you didn't get something that you, in fact, didn't want after all.

One might also say you're simply upset at the loss of the option (a psychologist might say loss of self-determination): you didn't really want the job/baby, but you wanted to be the one to say so, not have the employer/medical necessity decide for you. That is, there's nothing particularly unusual about these feelings. Consider going to a restaurant, scanning the menu, tentatively rejecting a few items, and then being informed that the kitchen is out of those items. It shouldn't really affect you, but the revocation of the options seems unfair or disappointing.
posted by jedicus at 9:47 AM on September 17, 2010 [1 favorite]


If there isn't already a German word for this, you could definitely just make one.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'bittersweet.'
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:00 AM on September 17, 2010


I'm reminded of David Sedaris complaining of a restaurant "The food is awful. And the portions are so small!"

Sorry, don't have a word for this.
posted by adamrice at 10:15 AM on September 17, 2010


I think the word is "regret." It's not a fancy word or a new word, but it sounds like you have some regrets about opportunities that will be passing you by.
posted by Ys at 10:29 AM on September 17, 2010


I think the word is "regret." It's not a fancy word or a new word, but it sounds like you have some regrets about opportunities that will be passing you by.

Well, regret about opportunities passing you by, to the point that it becomes hard to make decisions, is called Torschlusspanik. That seems like a sort of different thing than 'wanting something but also not' ?
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:56 AM on September 17, 2010


Sorry to sidetrack, but David Sedaris? I don't even think he's Jewish.
posted by bitslayer at 11:13 AM on September 17, 2010


I'm reminded of David Sedaris complaining of a restaurant "The food is awful. And the portions are so small!"

From Annie Hall: Alvy Singer: [addressing the camera] There's an old joke - um... two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of 'em says, "Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions."
posted by dzaz at 11:19 AM on September 17, 2010


It's almost like nostalgia, kind of like wistfulness.
posted by Kafkaesque at 11:52 AM on September 17, 2010


How about "saudade"? I believe it generally means "nostalgia" in Portuguese but also can imply a longing for something that does not exist.
posted by mefireader at 12:18 PM on September 17, 2010


I've been talking about this a lot, and while I don't know a word, I think a lot of people are familiar with the idea of mourning for the loss of something you never had.

Everyone has made a choice at some point that cut out some other option that would have been good as well, for example. Everyone should give themselves the time and space to grieve for lost possibilities.
posted by emyd at 12:21 PM on September 17, 2010


I don't know that there is a specific word, so you may have the opportunity to coin your own phrase. "Speculative grief" maybe.
posted by quin at 12:47 PM on September 17, 2010


In Lacanian psychoanalysis, it's called symbolic castration. For Lacan, all desire aims at recovering a lost object that was never possessed.
posted by AlsoMike at 1:32 PM on September 17, 2010


Seems there must be a word behavioral economists have for this very thing! Anybody know one?
posted by loquat at 2:10 PM on September 17, 2010


loquat: "Seems there must be a word behavioral economists have for this very thing! Anybody know one?"

This is driving me crazy! It's almost the exact reverse of "buyer's remorse," right?
posted by dzaz at 2:13 PM on September 17, 2010


I don't have a word, but I think maybe I can help focus the concept a little more. It sounds like what you're describing is regret of limited options. It's not the specific options that we miss, but the opportunity to make the choice. Maybe that'll help someone make a German word. Something like lost-choice-regret?
posted by scottreynen at 6:15 PM on September 17, 2010


Maybe that'll help someone make a German word. Something like lost-choice-regret?

That would be something like Wahlenverlustebedauern.
posted by jedicus at 7:11 PM on September 17, 2010 [1 favorite]


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