Reconciling with mum
September 17, 2010 5:29 AM Subscribe
My mum and I have a fabulous relationship over the phone, but when we're in the other's physical presence, not so much. The thing is, she's generously offered to move from California to the UK for six months so I can go back to work part-time when my year of paid maternity leave runs out.
I am blown-over by the offer, which will be the best for short and long-term finances. My British little girl will get to know her US family and have videos and pictures to cherish. Best yet, we won't have to leave this sensitive and happy kid in daycare for 2.5 days a week.
Saying that, here are my concerns:
She has fairly bad ADD. She needs permission, approval and consultation for everything. Like fetching a glass of water. I don't know anything about ADD or how to make her feel comfortable and confident.
She doesn't appropriately express unease or preferences with me. She is prone to sulking, silence and passive aggression. She can maintain a polite facade to others, but it wipes her out.
My faults include a lack of willingness to let things go for a terrible childhood and impatience for what I interpret as childish behaviour (though my sister thinks most of this is down to the ADD). I'm quick to see malice in what are probably crises of confidence in herself. I'm working on this part now, but I lack experience and undersanding.
What I'm not concerned about: her ability to care for my daughter. Whatever she lacked as a parent she more than makes up for as a grandarent. Seriously, she's amazing.
We have the main things worked out - my husband and I will pay a generous rate, she will stay with my equally marvellous in-laws, we agree on how my daughter is being raised, she has a support network when she gets here... We are all of us trying to do the best for this little kid, but how can I wrap my head around the ADD and make the two of us work?
I am blown-over by the offer, which will be the best for short and long-term finances. My British little girl will get to know her US family and have videos and pictures to cherish. Best yet, we won't have to leave this sensitive and happy kid in daycare for 2.5 days a week.
Saying that, here are my concerns:
She has fairly bad ADD. She needs permission, approval and consultation for everything. Like fetching a glass of water. I don't know anything about ADD or how to make her feel comfortable and confident.
She doesn't appropriately express unease or preferences with me. She is prone to sulking, silence and passive aggression. She can maintain a polite facade to others, but it wipes her out.
My faults include a lack of willingness to let things go for a terrible childhood and impatience for what I interpret as childish behaviour (though my sister thinks most of this is down to the ADD). I'm quick to see malice in what are probably crises of confidence in herself. I'm working on this part now, but I lack experience and undersanding.
What I'm not concerned about: her ability to care for my daughter. Whatever she lacked as a parent she more than makes up for as a grandarent. Seriously, she's amazing.
We have the main things worked out - my husband and I will pay a generous rate, she will stay with my equally marvellous in-laws, we agree on how my daughter is being raised, she has a support network when she gets here... We are all of us trying to do the best for this little kid, but how can I wrap my head around the ADD and make the two of us work?
Could you agree on a trial period?
Agree to reassess after half a year whether both of you are still happy with this arrangement?
posted by Omnomnom at 5:46 AM on September 17, 2010
Agree to reassess after half a year whether both of you are still happy with this arrangement?
posted by Omnomnom at 5:46 AM on September 17, 2010
Response by poster: Visa requirements mean it can only be for 6 months, but we've agreed to have an assessment at the end of each month.
posted by katiecat at 5:51 AM on September 17, 2010
posted by katiecat at 5:51 AM on September 17, 2010
In my experience a lot of the issues between myself and my mom.have changed (mainly for the better) now that I have a child.
This is due in part to my own reprioritizing.
Specifically, you as a new mom don't have time to coddle a guest and she'll get that.
posted by k8t at 5:57 AM on September 17, 2010
This is due in part to my own reprioritizing.
Specifically, you as a new mom don't have time to coddle a guest and she'll get that.
posted by k8t at 5:57 AM on September 17, 2010
Sounds good so far.
Maybe you could also talk to her and say that while this is an amazing and loving offer she has made, you are also afraid that it will end up spoiling your relationship (because she must have also have noticed that you two clash at times). So you would like to talk about what things go wrong (from both of your perspectives) and how you want each other to behave instead.
Well, you know what I mean and will find better words than I just did. But maybe you can both prepare together for coming disagreements?
posted by Omnomnom at 6:39 AM on September 17, 2010
Maybe you could also talk to her and say that while this is an amazing and loving offer she has made, you are also afraid that it will end up spoiling your relationship (because she must have also have noticed that you two clash at times). So you would like to talk about what things go wrong (from both of your perspectives) and how you want each other to behave instead.
Well, you know what I mean and will find better words than I just did. But maybe you can both prepare together for coming disagreements?
posted by Omnomnom at 6:39 AM on September 17, 2010
Deep breaths may be all that's required - remember why you're doing this, and all of the benefits - let the smaller stuff roll off your back, and breathe deeply...
She doesn't appropriately express unease or preferences with me.
If you're concerned about your mother's ability to communicate with you around any issues or concerns that she may have, try formalizing some channels in which she can voice these concerns, so there is a specific time and place for her to speak up. Having a designated time to communicate may cut down a bit on daily conflicts. For example, you could say, "Mum, we really appreciate all you're doing to help us. To thank you, we'd like to take you out to lunch on Saturday. Maybe we could talk about how our arrangement is working out for you, and if there is anything you need. We want to make sure that you're happy, too."
If you consider this an opportunity for all concerned (rather than a problem to solve), you'll be more likely to approach the situation in a positive frame of mind.
posted by analog at 6:55 AM on September 17, 2010
She doesn't appropriately express unease or preferences with me.
If you're concerned about your mother's ability to communicate with you around any issues or concerns that she may have, try formalizing some channels in which she can voice these concerns, so there is a specific time and place for her to speak up. Having a designated time to communicate may cut down a bit on daily conflicts. For example, you could say, "Mum, we really appreciate all you're doing to help us. To thank you, we'd like to take you out to lunch on Saturday. Maybe we could talk about how our arrangement is working out for you, and if there is anything you need. We want to make sure that you're happy, too."
If you consider this an opportunity for all concerned (rather than a problem to solve), you'll be more likely to approach the situation in a positive frame of mind.
posted by analog at 6:55 AM on September 17, 2010
It sounds like you're really putting a lot of thought into making this situation work. I would recommend learning all you can about ADD, with the caveat that a person's condition does not negate the impact of their actions. When it comes to family, all the clinical knowledge in the world will not suppress your (very valid) emotional responses. (Ask me how I know!) I hate to use the oft-suggested "talk to a therapist" advice, but a professional will be able to direct you toward techniques for dealing with your mum and will be an impartial ear when you need to vent.
posted by corey flood at 7:34 AM on September 17, 2010
posted by corey flood at 7:34 AM on September 17, 2010
Perhaps living in closer proximity now that you're both adults would be a good thing. Getting to know our parents as people instead of primary care givers can really help frame your relationship with your own daughter (who OMG IS SOOO CUTE!!)
Analog is right about trying to create formal channels for communication, I think that might help a log.
Letting her give you this amazing gift might mean you're ready to let go of the childhood stuff, and decide that she probably did the best she could with what she had. If she was selfish then, she certainly isn't now. Good Luck!!
posted by Nickel Pickle at 7:53 AM on September 17, 2010
Analog is right about trying to create formal channels for communication, I think that might help a log.
Letting her give you this amazing gift might mean you're ready to let go of the childhood stuff, and decide that she probably did the best she could with what she had. If she was selfish then, she certainly isn't now. Good Luck!!
posted by Nickel Pickle at 7:53 AM on September 17, 2010
I've been thinking about this lately after spending long weeks in the presence of my mom over the last year. Usually at some point I get stressed to the breaking point over our relationship and spend a day wavering between hysterical depression and anger-fueled rage. It's fun. I recently wrote this question.
Here's one thing I think, though. There's a phone relationship that can be very surface and polite. But dealing with a person day-in-day-out like you do when you're visiting at someone's house is a whole other dynamic. Eventually, you get to talking about things other than the weather and that's where things can get nutty.
However, if you just saw a person in small bursts -- like a neighbor or a friend, you'd develop a different kind of relationship. I think if I lived in the same town with my mom, there would still be stress and uncomfortable moments but they'd be mitigated by the fact that I have my space and she has hers and we don't have to cram our whole relationship into a four-day concentrated visit.
At least, that's what I'd hope. It's a theory just in case she decides to move out here.
posted by amanda at 11:17 AM on September 17, 2010
Here's one thing I think, though. There's a phone relationship that can be very surface and polite. But dealing with a person day-in-day-out like you do when you're visiting at someone's house is a whole other dynamic. Eventually, you get to talking about things other than the weather and that's where things can get nutty.
However, if you just saw a person in small bursts -- like a neighbor or a friend, you'd develop a different kind of relationship. I think if I lived in the same town with my mom, there would still be stress and uncomfortable moments but they'd be mitigated by the fact that I have my space and she has hers and we don't have to cram our whole relationship into a four-day concentrated visit.
At least, that's what I'd hope. It's a theory just in case she decides to move out here.
posted by amanda at 11:17 AM on September 17, 2010
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posted by katiecat at 5:37 AM on September 17, 2010 [6 favorites]