Should I go to therapy?

September 17, 2010 4:26 AM

Going to therapy - should I bother?

All my life I've been shy, and as I've gotten older it's been tougher to work around. I often feel lonely and sometimes depressed because going out and meeting people is just too hard. I know my work suffers somewhat, and I will go out of my way to complete my job while interacting with my co-workers as little as possible. I still do my work, but it takes a lot more time and effort.

I've tried counseling a few times but I've interrupted my own attempts because I'm still pretty functional - I have a job, I got married, I take care of my kids. Obviously whatever is wrong with me isn't severe enough to get in the way of that stuff. I'm always afraid the counselor will say, "You're just being a baby. There's nothing all that wrong with you. Suck it up and move on." But probably in a nicer tone.

However, I can see how my anxiety will affect my kids. I don't want them to pick up on it.

So I guess I'm wondering, how severe should problems be before someone seeks therapy? What types of problems should you just shake off or deal with on your own? I don't want to go to therapy if there's really no need.

posted by christinetheslp to Human Relations (16 answers total)

You've been experiencing this for years and haven't been able to force yourself to ignore or overcome it. It impacts your job. You're afraid of how it will affect your kids. Those are severe enough reasons to give therapy a try. You may not click with the first therapist you meet, but no one is going to tell you you're being a baby.

This isn't an exclusive club you need to be X% severely unwell to join.
posted by Meg_Murry at 4:37 AM on September 17, 2010 [8 favorites]

Think about this from the therapist's point of view. In order to make money, they have to keep you coming back. They aren't going to insult you, even in code, unless they're bad at their job. As with literally everything in the entire universe, the question is not about "should," the question is about "would." Do you want to talk about your issues with a quasi-neutral third party?
posted by Electrius at 4:37 AM on September 17, 2010

If you have to ask, you ought to try it.
posted by notsnot at 4:37 AM on September 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

"However, I can see how my anxiety will affect my kids."

Oh, God, please go. I have a neighbor/friend with severe social anxiety (to the point that I was literally her only friend) and the impact on her kid's life has been HUGE, to the point that he now needs special services at school because she never socialized him as a preschooler because being around other moms was so intimidating. He was behind on language development, even, because he only ever talked to his parents (and me). You do not sound nearly that extreme, but if you think it affects your kids, please do what you can to improve it.

Besides, you're getting nothing but compassion from strangers on the internet who want you NOT to feel so anxious -- I'm sure a trained counselor will be even more empathetic and understanding of how difficult social anxiety is! (PS -- did your mom or dad spend a lot of time telling you to stop being a baby and suck it up when you felt anxious about socializing as a kid? Because that'd be my bet.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:06 AM on September 17, 2010 [4 favorites]

Response by poster: I guess I'm accustomed to my job (I work in Special Ed) where a student needs to test out as having abilities 1.75 standard deviations below the mean before they qualify for services. There also needs to be a demonstrated impact on their lives.

Even kids who are higher might BENEFIT from extra help, but there is a group of kids who just need to work harder than other kids - they have enough problems to experience some struggle, but not enough to really warrant different education. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I was worried I fell into that category. I guess private therapy is different though.

I guess I'm over-thinking this.
posted by christinetheslp at 5:12 AM on September 17, 2010

Everyone has his or her own reality. Your reality is that, yes, you hold a job and got married and take care of your kids, but you're not happy. I don't mean to suggest that one should be happy all the time, but you shouldn't have to feel depressed and lonely.

Therapy can help you with not feeling depressed and lonely.
posted by cooker girl at 5:40 AM on September 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Even kids who are higher might BENEFIT from extra help, but there is a group of kids who just need to work harder than other kids - they have enough problems to experience some struggle, but not enough to really warrant different education. It sucks, but that's the way it is. I was worried I fell into that category. I guess private therapy is different though.

That's because at your job you're dealing with limited public money, and have to try your best to give it to the most deserving. Kids who "just need to work harder" aren't being denied help because of some character-building work ethic thing -- the state just can't afford to give help to any but the neediest kids. If the funding were infinite, everyone would get as much help as could benefit them.

Likewise, don't deny yourself what you can afford out of some bootstrapping philosophy. If you can afford it and you think it would help you, there's no good reason not to.

I'm always afraid the counselor will say, "You're just being a baby. There's nothing all that wrong with you. Suck it up and move on." But probably in a nicer tone.

Hear that stuff? That's not what a therapist would say. That's what your mind is saying to you now. No therapist in his/her right mind should ever say that to you! The fact that you think you in some way deserve that sort of dismissive treatment of your emotions is probably part of the problem.
posted by overeducated_alligator at 5:41 AM on September 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

there is a group of kids who just need to work harder than other kids - they have enough problems to experience some struggle, but not enough to really warrant different education.

As overeducated_alligator noted, this unfortunate situation is political and economic, not moral. Surely you know that when you're head is clear?

I guess private therapy is different though.

Yeah, totally different. If you've got access to therapy and would benefit from it, you're not doing the world a good turn by hardening your resolve and refusing available help. Access to therapy is a privilege, and you should be thankful for it, but holding back doesn't drive down therapy costs or help troubled kids nextdoor or in some third-world country; it just hurts you and your loved ones, and handicaps your ability to help others.

I guess I'm over-thinking this.

Totally understandable, because you're scared of change and trying to rationalize stasis. Now pick up the phone and make an appointment.
posted by jon1270 at 6:07 AM on September 17, 2010

Also, dealing with limited public funds for those kids -- the healthier you are, the more you'll be able to help any kids who come your way.
posted by amtho at 6:07 AM on September 17, 2010

That's what your mind is saying to you now.

This. And it's one of the insidious things about anxiety/depression (which can go hand-in-hand) - it tells you you're not worthy of help. You are. So are your kids. If not for your own sake, get help for theirs. That's a good instinct you've got - follow it!
posted by rtha at 6:08 AM on September 17, 2010 [1 favorite]

Do it for your kids! My mother is shy/socially anxious and had very few friends when I was growing up. My sister and I are functional adults (and never had the socialization problems Eyebrows describes) but it definitely had a negative impact on how we make friends - even as adults, we both find it very difficult to make new friends, and I think part of that is because adult friendship wasn't modeled for us growing up. Or maybe it's all genetic and we were always doomed. But hey! You'd probably be happier too, so it's worth a try!
posted by mskyle at 6:31 AM on September 17, 2010

Best answer: There is no such thing as "not bad enough for therapy." Obviously there are specialized courses of treatment that don't apply to everyone, but think of therapy like a gym. Some people work out at home and that's plenty for them. Some people go to the gym for the structure or the equipment or the trainers. Someone on Treadmill 1 might be fit and there to stay in shape, T2 might be there to lose weight, and T3 is building up strength after a hip replacement. Unless someone's going at the gym to do something other than use the gym, nobody's going to go up to them and say, "hey, you shouldn't be here."

Therapy is the same way. You want to seek out therapy oriented to your personal style and circumstances, so there is such a thing as pursuing a type of treatment that's not really appropriate to your issues, but that just means you find what works for you.

And to stretch the comparison, anxiety - unless it is extremely situational or entirely medical - is often an ongoing condition like diabetes. You don't stop treating it even when the symptoms improve, or it will get worse. Staying on top of it is the key. Therapists know that. You may find that the frequency of your sessions ebbs and flows depending on your circumstances, and that's something a good therapist is going to work with you to determine.
posted by Lyn Never at 7:03 AM on September 17, 2010 [3 favorites]

You've probably been "working harder" your entire life and, since therapy's not magic, you'll likely always be one of those who needs to "work harder."

But that doesn't mean that therapy can't help you with tools to work with and strategies to work smarter, not harder. (Ok, I think I stretched that analogy a bit, but you get what I'm saying.)
posted by clerestory at 7:29 AM on September 17, 2010

This is actually the ideal time for you to go to therapy!

First, your problem seems to be getting worse, or harder to deal with -- and like any other health issue, it's much better to prevent problems by treating them early, rather than letting them get to the point where they're harder to treat.

Second, it's actually much, much more effective to start therapy when you're motivated to change, rather than when you're in crisis mode. Therapy (especially the kind of CBT you're likely to get for anxiety) is hard work and requires a lot of motivation. It's much easier to put in the work when you're feeling stronger. That way, you create a base of mental health skills you can draw on later when things get tougher.

Finally, don't worry about this being too small a problem for therapy. The point is to make your life better; you run your life, and you're allowed to try to make it better using whatever tools you have at your disposal.
posted by yarly at 7:47 AM on September 17, 2010

I have social anxiety pretty much everywhere, but one thing that really helped (but was REALLY hard at first) was talking in a social anxiety support group. It was both more and less intimidating than therapy, and more helpful. It lets you feel less alone with these feelings and become more comfortable in a social situation, as the therapy group is a social event in itself. If you're not digging the idea of traditional therapy, see if you can find a support group. Mine was led by a university counseling service and was free.

Life DOESN'T have to be as hard as it is now.
posted by shortyJBot at 9:46 AM on September 17, 2010

Nthing the "no such thing as good/bad enough for therapy." Many mental health training programs require all students to get therapy in order to see what it's like. I've heard people who felt they had "no problems" still find things to address in therapy. It's good to be wary of pathologizing yourself, but I'd say give it a shot. Good luck.
posted by ShadePlant at 4:48 PM on September 17, 2010