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Hello Brain, It's your ass, Breaking news we might be Gay?
September 16, 2010 8:32 AM   Subscribe

Hello Brain, It's your ass, Breaking news we might be Gay? I'm a 30 year old male, and up until recently I was pretty certain I was 100% Straight, Now I'm not so sure.

Recently I've started having dreams of being fucked by men, and to make things weirder I've awoken to those dreams with my hand wedged up my ass once or twice.

I've never had dreams like this in the past, Normally any sexual dreams have been your normal straight hetro sex dreams.

I've dated a couple women but never had penetrative sex with anyone, closest I've gotten is some drunken clothed rubbing. Pretty girls literally turn my head at times and I'm really attracted to smart She-Geeks mentally.

I just dont know what's going on, I've never felt attracted to guys or anything and still dont think I am, just suddenly it's like my body is telling me it'd be a real great idea to have a dick up my ass and I'm left feeling very confused.

I'll admit I went online and bought a new sex toy due to these dreams and tried the whole analbate thing only to be left even more weirded out by some of the most powerful orgasms I've had in a very long time.

Has my sexuality shifted? Is this what it's like to feel Bi or Gay?

I dont have anyone to talk to about this so here I am Mefi, Can you help?

Throw away email
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (24 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
First: I want to thank you for making my work day just that much more awesome.

Second: I'm gay. Gay as the day is long. I love me some girl-girl sex like nothing else on earth. However, even I dream about guys now and then. Doesn't mean I want them, just that I don't get to see them IRL that often.

AND, what's best? If and when I wanna get plowed up the arse? I can ask my girlfriend to do the honors. Oh how I love being a dyke.

Finally - whether you're gay or not? Seems like it may well be possible. But please don't sweat it. If you're 30 and not had penetrative sex with a woman why not try and then give a go with a guy? Be safe, of course. After a little experimentation you'll probably figure out what makes you feel best, with which sex (or - perhaps both?) you feel most connected to and can move forward with your sexuality in a way that feels comfortable.
posted by FlamingBore at 8:39 AM on September 16, 2010 [6 favorites]

You might be gay. You might be bi. You might want to be pegged (NSFW illustration) by women. Fantasies and dreams can be ways of your body trying to tell you stuff, but the messages aren't always easy to decode. Who we're attracted to physically isn't always the same as who we're attracted to intellectually isn't always the same as who we're attracted to emotionally, and all of this can shift with age and circumstances and the people we meet.

I don't know how helpful this is. But be gentle with yourself (emotionally and physically!), take your time, and if you're in a place where there is a queer community, check it out if you want. I can't tell you how many self-identified gay people of any gender I've known who sometimes sleep with the opposite sex; likewise, I've known self-identified straight people who have occasionally had sex with someone of their own gender. Don't rush to put a label on your identity, and don't feel like it's some sort of written-in-stone thing. Humans are messy and contradictory!
posted by rtha at 8:44 AM on September 16, 2010 [8 favorites]

Bear in mind that anal intercourse is not exclusively a gay technique. Woman can strap on a dildo and perform anal intercourse, a technique which according to Dan Savage is officially known as "pegging". Some heterosexual men like this a lot. It stimulates the prostate gland.

To me, sexual orientation is not so much about what kind of technique you like, as it is about what gender of people you want to do those techniques with. So, if you still don't think you're attracted to guys, unless you have some terrible psychological block to overcome, you probably aren't attracted to guys. If you are attracted to women, you are heterosexual. You just want to use more varied techniques. Have fun.
posted by grizzled at 8:49 AM on September 16, 2010 [8 favorites]

It's fine to be gay. It's fine to be bi. It's even fine to be straight. You are what you are.

Don't hesitate to pursue whatever you think that might be, even if it's a bunch of different things right now. You'll figure it out. There's no rush. Being a good person while you figure it out is the only thing that will end up mattering.
posted by nickjadlowe at 8:49 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you're attracted to girls but you like things in your butt. This doesn't exactly put you in terribly exclusive company. A lot of women - and a whole hell of a lot of she-geeks, for some reason - are very into penetrating men.

Having things in your bottom doesn't make you gay, any more than a woman who sucks cock becomes a gay man. It is a thing people do. Experiment and have fun. Relax. There's no rush to figure this all out.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:05 AM on September 16, 2010 [9 favorites]

Who we're attracted to physically isn't always the same as who we're attracted to intellectually isn't always the same as who we're attracted to emotionally, and all of this can shift with age and circumstances and the people we meet.

This sums it up really well. All kinds of people (gay, straight, and all the other flavors of men and women both) enjoy getting their asses penetrated; plenty more like to think about having anal sex even if they never actually want to do it. And I think most (all?) people have confusing dreams where you wake up saying "woah, I was turned on by that?"

So I think that rather than trying to figure out the exact correct label for yourself, you give yourself the freedom to explore and learn what you like to do, as well as learn with whom you like to do it. There are all kinds of combinations that are possible; there's no reason to limit yourself prematurely.
posted by Forktine at 9:12 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

While he says he doubts he's attracted to men, I would like to point out that the people fucking him in his dreams do happen to be men -- not sexy geek women, or unicorns, or whatever.

It's not uncommon to fantasize about sexual scenarios that we would never care to act upon in real life, but I think it would be worth experimenting with a man to see whether it excites you. Partly I think so because it's a fairly low-stakes experiment, and easily granted because there are probably no shortage of men who would be happy to help out. At least then you won't have to wonder anymore.
posted by hermitosis at 9:15 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Gay/straight is not a black/white division there's an infinite number of shades of grey in between. So its totally possible to be "mostly straight" and "a little gay".

I don't think there is any physical difference between gay ass and straight ass. Therefore, no reason why a 100% straight guy wouldn't enjoy the physical sensation of been fucked as much as a gay guy does, its pretty intense. Usually I think the mental aspects get in the way and they can't relax so it hurts. So just because it feels good, doesn't mean you're gay.

Last, I don't think gay/straight is really about just sex. I like gay sex, but I like men much more. Its really about who you can make an emotional bond with. Before I finally realized I was gay (at 28 yo) I had several girlfriends, but the relationships never lasted very long and in hindsight were more about going through the motions. I had sex with girls, it was fun, but it was just sex, there was nothing there. Once I started dating guys, wow! suddenly it mattered, the emotions kicked in big time. You should really try to discover the kind of people you can bond with, make some gay friends, experiment (safely) and have a little fun.
posted by Long Way To Go at 9:17 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

You have discovered your prostate, congratulations.

On a more serious note, you say you are not really attracted to guys, and I see no reason for you to doubt that assessment. What you are attracted to is, apparently, anal sex. Your sexuality is not determined by what you like to do, but who you want to do it with.
posted by lydhre at 9:19 AM on September 16, 2010 [9 favorites]

Everyone's butt, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, has the same nerve endings, and having them stimulated can feel really good. On the other hand, many people can't get past the ick factor, and it's really easy to mess up butt stuff so that it feels painful rather than enjoyable, and those two things account for a lot of people disliking it.

Plus, for guys, putting things up the butt can stimulate the prostate, which results in some mind-blowing orgasms. (Or so I have read.)

I think it's pretty common to dream about sex with someone you'd never have sex with in real life. It's just that people don't like to talk about that dream they had where they were doing it with Carrot Top or whoever.

So my vote is for not necessarily gay, but if you decide want to do it with dudes, awesome. As long as things are between two (or more) consenting adults and no one's getting physically or mentally hurt, do as you wish.
posted by Metroid Baby at 9:20 AM on September 16, 2010

Don't put too much stock in what your dreams are "telling" you. People dream about all kinds of nonsense they'd never want to do in their waking life. Despite what appears in popular fiction, dreams aren't a window into our deepest, truest desires. They're just dreams.

That said, if anal penetration strikes you as a good time, then go with it. If nerdy girls are your thing, pursue them. As others have said, these two things are not mutually exclusive. I know plenty of nerdy ladies (particularly yaoi and slash fans) who would love to date a guy who's up for being pegged.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:33 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

I'll admit I went online and bought a new sex toy due to these dreams and tried the whole analbate thing only to be left even more weirded out by some of the most powerful orgasms I've had in a very long time.

Yeah, I'll just say you're far from alone here, and this in no way makes you a homosexual (which isn't something you should be worried about anyway).

I'm convinced that deep down nearly everyone has some level of desire for people of the same sex. So yours is highlighting itself a little bit. No biggie. Explore it and enjoy the ride.
posted by elder18 at 9:51 AM on September 16, 2010

One thing about dreams is that for many people, they're a mixture of stuff inspired by things you've been thinking about in your waking life, combined with random "where did that come from" stuff.

So let's say the first time you had one of these dreams, it was just one of those random things that appears from nowhere. That gets you wondering and worrying about your orientation and you end up thinking over that dream repeatedly while you're awake. Guess what happens? Yep, you're now primed to have similar dreams again, just because the general topic has been on your mind a lot.

I would say dreams don't mean a whole lot, other than perhaps as a very general indicator of what's been occupying your waking thoughts recently.

The second thing I want to say is that I think terms like "straight" or "gay" are just labels. They are a convenient and very approximate shorthand to describe ourselves, rather than something that accurately defines who we are. They encompass a whole collection of thoughts, interests, and behaviors, and probably no real person matches up with one of those labels 100%.

Rather than even worry about "am I gay", think about whether you have discovered a new thought, interest, or behavior that you didn't know you had before, and what is it really? Is it "sex with men", or is it "a particular sexual activity", or is it "a random weird dream that otherwise doesn't interest me".

After you figure that out, you can tackle the question of "should I describe myself as straight, or bi, or gay based on this?" But remember those are just convenient summary-level labels to avoid having to communicate a huge long explanation to people all the time. The labels don't define who you are or what you should or shouldn't like.
posted by FishBike at 10:07 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

Remember that your subconscious isn't always great about making plain argument with no complicating facts and imagery. I'd wager - particularly since this anal pleasure experience reinforced your "am I gay?" confusion- that what has happened here is that your ass is really telling you is that having it played with can be pleasurable.

Since our culture is mostly sure that buttsex==homosexual men it's not surprising that your brain used imagery of a man sexing your butt rather than a more subtle image, like say being blown by a woman who was fingering your ass at the same time.

I am reminded of Dan Savage's comment about how surprisingly sex-positive the movie "Road Trip" was and that how notable it was that a straight male character in the movie discovers he likes assplay and not once does the movie or any character imply he's gay or any less straight for it.

If something else leads you to believe you might be interested in sex with men, great, but the ass enjoyment combined with those dreams doesn't send that message to me.
posted by phearlez at 10:10 AM on September 16, 2010 [1 favorite]

We don't know the answer. Only you can figure it out.
posted by John Cohen at 10:16 AM on September 16, 2010

Nth-ing "desire for anal sex" ≠ "being gay, whatever that means".
posted by Joe Beese at 10:16 AM on September 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

If you decide to pursue the "nerdy girls + pegging" route, don't be frustrated if you meet one girl who might not be into it. AFAIK, anal sex for hetero couples is still pretty taboo and I know some gay guys aren't into it either (seriously! One of my friends IRL!). There's nothing wrong with you or her/him/whoever you approach if first person you click with doesn't float your boat or thinks your tastes are not up their alley. Also, funniest first sentence I've read thus far. Your sense of humor should definitely help with whatever sex you pursue, because sex gets awkward for everyone sometimes!
posted by ShadePlant at 11:32 AM on September 16, 2010

When I dream, frequently, elements of the dream will be due to external stimuli (eg. I dreamt that someone poured cold water on my legs but it was just my boyfriend's cold feet brushing against my leg). Is it possible that somehow in your sleep your hand has got wedged up your bottom and since you seem to equate things up the bottom = gay - you're having dreams about having gay sex.
It doesn't sound like you're gay, just that you've discovered you enjoy anal and associate that with being gay.
posted by missmagenta at 11:40 AM on September 16, 2010

This might be hypocritical since I'm a guy who is only attracted to women.... but... I don't get the need for defining oneself with terms like straight/gay/bi/etc. Try not to let those terms scare you or intimidate you, and definitely don't feel the need to let one of those terms define who you are. Those are just words.

If you're attracted to women, try dating one.
If you're attracted to men, why not try dating one?

"Has my sexuality shifted? Is this what it's like to feel Bi or Gay?"

It sounds to me like you haven't really discovered your sexuality yet. And that's ok! I never even kissed a girl until I was 19. When I finally did start having sex, it was nothing like I thought it would be. It was so much better, but it was quite different. A huge part of what makes sex amazing is sharing the experience with someone.

My advice: Shift your focus to dating. Once you're dating someone, you'll have someone to explore your sexuality with. Until then, you're left to wonder.

Best of luck as you figure this stuff out.
posted by 2oh1 at 12:42 PM on September 16, 2010

Being gay has nothing to do with anal sex. I've known many, many gay guys, and relatively few of them have any interest at all in anal sex. The idea that anal sex defines a gay man is a common, false stereotype held by too many straight people.
posted by coolguymichael at 12:59 PM on September 16, 2010 [2 favorites]

Some people just like it up the ass. Doesn't mean anything about which gender you're attracted to.

Are you attracted to guys? Are you attracted to girls? Are you attracted to both? Are you attracted to people as individuals and don't really care what gender they are?

I think you just need to start putting yourself out there and having some (sexual) relationships with people you are attracted to and care about. Don't worry about fitting into a straight, gay, or bi box yet (or, fuck it, ever). Even though you've never had penetration sex, you're still ahead of most because you know some moves that get you off!
posted by WeekendJen at 1:56 PM on September 16, 2010

It's perfectly normal to like to try out different things and see what they are like. Some of the things you try will be somewhat dull, and some will be much more exciting. It sounds like you have found a new exciting thing, enjoy it.

It's not as uncommon for men to enjoy anal stimulation as you may think, some feel a taboo about discussing it.

Try meeting people you are attracted too, and see where things go. Don't worry about labels, labeling yourself may be useful as far as being in a category that will appeal to people seeking that thing, but they are less useful for learning about yourself.
posted by yohko at 5:43 PM on September 17, 2010

I've sent you a private email, but this comment is for anyone else who stumbles across this AskMe with similar questions about dreams:

I'm gay. Gay gay gay gaygaygayGAYGAY super-gay. Yet this morning I had a fantastic dream where I had hot, sweaty group sex with about six different women at the same time. It was great. I loved it.

And I'm still gay. So, I don't think dreams tell us much about who we are. Dreams are more of a stock-footage vault in the mind: sometimes it's deep and meaningful, other times it's just the blooper reel. Or the random sexytimes reel.

Just go with it.
posted by Avenger at 4:39 PM on September 19, 2010

There's a chance what you want is to be penetrated but since pegging isn't commonly mentioned in mainstream porn or culture the only way your dreaming self or subconscious or whatever can translate it is as "being screwed by a guy" you know? Wanting something in your butt is seriously a way more common straight-guy desire than people think, in my experience. It makes sense--anal sex stimulates stuff physiologically for men it doesn't in women even, and there the taboo of it if you're a straight dude too. How do you feel when you imagine a really hot girl who happened to have a toy or a dick or some magical way to penetrate you doing it to you? Or is there an emotional submission element, too? Even if there is that, that's still not necessarily a "gay" thing for a straight dude to be getting off on--it could be women's physical bodies turn you on, but the idea of--and I know this is a landmine but try to give me the benefit of the doubt for a second--"being made to do it like a woman" is hot or something. That's also more familiar than people think. These are all nuanced shades of distinction and might not even matter in the end (identifying in super clear cut terms starts to feel pointless the further away from "normal" categories you least to me), but think through what elements of each possibility are getting you hot--the person you're thinking of as doing you, or just a facet of them--their dominance, the cock, a certain demeanor, what--or not even them but the idea of you being penetrated by anything at all, or being able to let go of control and not be in charge, etc etc...and also reflect on who you are attracted to emotionally, and in the "out in the street" clothed but admiring-appearances sense you mentioned. There may be overlap and blur, but only you can sift through all the specific details. It sounds possibly complicated, but keep in mind wanting to be filled and not in control is not inherently gay at all, it's just commonly the clearest shorthand used in a culture where straight men are not supposed to talk about or want those things, etc.
posted by ifjuly at 8:30 AM on September 24, 2010

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