Unrequited infatuation without unhappiness and jealousy -- too good to be true?
September 14, 2010 6:09 PM Subscribe
Got infatuated with co-worker. She is getting married this Saturday. Strangely I don't feel jealous and I am genuinely happy for her. This is strange to me as it contradicts all my previous experiences. That is excellent but what is the catch? Is it possible that some kind of delayed catastrophe will happen?
I am generally a person who gets infatuated easily. So I got infatuated with my co-worker. She is getting married this Saturday. Since I am almost always getting myself in such complicated situations this is nothing new to me. Usually I just get very sad, then spent one night getting drunk, then after few days move on. What is common in such situations is that I'm always jealous of the girl, hate the girl's boyfriend/fiancé/husband and avoid the topic of the other man while speaking with the girl. Also in such situations I am becoming very unfriendly toward the world in general.
This time it is different. Instead of being angry I am genuinely happy for her. I discussed with her the upcoming wedding without usual pain in the heart. I discovered that I like her fiancé for the sole reason that he is making my crush happy. I shopped for a wedding wishes card with real pleasure. Thinking about her marriage make me smile even while typing this question.
This sudden change of pattern is really worrying me. I definitely have very strong feelings (including erotic) toward the girl but why I am reacting different than usual? Does anyone had similar experiences? Is it possible that some kind of unusual strong delayed reaction will happen (like sudden urge to declare my love for her in front of wedding guests)? Or perhaps this is no crush (though it is sure looks like one from my point of view)?
Basically: I am happy with her and it seems too good to be true.
I am generally a person who gets infatuated easily. So I got infatuated with my co-worker. She is getting married this Saturday. Since I am almost always getting myself in such complicated situations this is nothing new to me. Usually I just get very sad, then spent one night getting drunk, then after few days move on. What is common in such situations is that I'm always jealous of the girl, hate the girl's boyfriend/fiancé/husband and avoid the topic of the other man while speaking with the girl. Also in such situations I am becoming very unfriendly toward the world in general.
This time it is different. Instead of being angry I am genuinely happy for her. I discussed with her the upcoming wedding without usual pain in the heart. I discovered that I like her fiancé for the sole reason that he is making my crush happy. I shopped for a wedding wishes card with real pleasure. Thinking about her marriage make me smile even while typing this question.
This sudden change of pattern is really worrying me. I definitely have very strong feelings (including erotic) toward the girl but why I am reacting different than usual? Does anyone had similar experiences? Is it possible that some kind of unusual strong delayed reaction will happen (like sudden urge to declare my love for her in front of wedding guests)? Or perhaps this is no crush (though it is sure looks like one from my point of view)?
Basically: I am happy with her and it seems too good to be true.
Best answer: Don't think your way out of healthy, normal emotional reactions. Why borrow trouble?
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:17 PM on September 14, 2010 [14 favorites]
posted by BitterOldPunk at 6:17 PM on September 14, 2010 [14 favorites]
Best answer: Not to oversimplify it, but like I said to another person who usually gets jealous in previous thread last week, weirdly, the Bible says it best: Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous. I think you generally care about this person, and realizing it, you're reacting in a mature responsible way with completely good intentions. Chalk this one up as win and continue doing whatever it is you're doing.
That said, in case there is some sort of ticking time bomb inside you waiting, my advice is to stay sober in your interactions with her and her future husband, if only because if you happened to get intoxicated enough to decide that explaining how your reaction in this situation was special, it could really easily come across as super-weird with only one or two misplaced words, and then you might accidentally dig yourself into an uncomfortable hole that you regret. Your feelings about her are still okay to have, as long as you are a creep (i.e. keeping them to yourself), and instead of losing this person you felt strongly about, you instead get to keep her in your life. Win!
I don't know what you're doing differently or if you've just turned a corner into adulthood, but trust me, as someone who, like probably 95% of the world, been on that other side, but who is among those who has beat the green eyed monster -- you're going to be so much happier around this bend. She's getting married, and now you have two friends instead of one burnt bridge.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:20 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, in case there is some sort of ticking time bomb inside you waiting, my advice is to stay sober in your interactions with her and her future husband, if only because if you happened to get intoxicated enough to decide that explaining how your reaction in this situation was special, it could really easily come across as super-weird with only one or two misplaced words, and then you might accidentally dig yourself into an uncomfortable hole that you regret. Your feelings about her are still okay to have, as long as you are a creep (i.e. keeping them to yourself), and instead of losing this person you felt strongly about, you instead get to keep her in your life. Win!
I don't know what you're doing differently or if you've just turned a corner into adulthood, but trust me, as someone who, like probably 95% of the world, been on that other side, but who is among those who has beat the green eyed monster -- you're going to be so much happier around this bend. She's getting married, and now you have two friends instead of one burnt bridge.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 6:20 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm guessing that since you get infatuated so easily, you're starting to realize that infatuations are just that -- infatuations. You're not in love with her. You might simply know that there's another infatuation waiting around the corner and have gotten used to it.
posted by anniecat at 6:29 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by anniecat at 6:29 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're just happy that she's happy.
Because you like/love her.
Nothing wrong with that.
:-)
posted by Sebmojo at 6:46 PM on September 14, 2010
Because you like/love her.
Nothing wrong with that.
:-)
posted by Sebmojo at 6:46 PM on September 14, 2010
Best answer: Aside from just being happy to see her happy, I'd guess you never really thought you had a chance with her anyway. She's probably been engaged for a while and you knew this was coming? If it's anything like similar past experiences of mine, you will either continue to have a harmless crush on this person or you'll move on to someone else.
posted by wondermouse at 6:54 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by wondermouse at 6:54 PM on September 14, 2010
Congratulations; you're growing as a person. Perhaps you're moving on more quickly, perhaps you're crushing less, but whatever the cause, this is a step towards healthy. Embrace it, don't second-guess it.
posted by davejay at 9:07 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by davejay at 9:07 PM on September 14, 2010
Best answer: It's funny this has happened to me when I saw the person was genuinely happy and that it was a good relationship. I've had a lot of crushes on people in clearly horrible relationships and there is this feeling like something is amiss with the world and it would all be fixed and everyone would be happier if he just broke up with her and was with me instead. However, in the cases where the relationship is a good one, the world isn't amiss, there is no great injustice to gnaw at you and you just move on thinking hey maybe in a different life things would have been different, but they aren't and he's happy and she's happy and maybe someday I'll find someone that makes me happy.
There is also just something very comforting about seeing good people in a good relationship. Sort of gives you hope for humanity in general.
I don't think there will be any crashing realization. I think you'll move on much easier than you would have otherwise.
posted by whoaali at 9:13 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is also just something very comforting about seeing good people in a good relationship. Sort of gives you hope for humanity in general.
I don't think there will be any crashing realization. I think you'll move on much easier than you would have otherwise.
posted by whoaali at 9:13 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Is it possible that some kind of delayed catastrophe will happen?
Yes, adulthood. I'm so sorry.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:28 PM on September 14, 2010 [11 favorites]
Yes, adulthood. I'm so sorry.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:28 PM on September 14, 2010 [11 favorites]
Sometimes you like someone so much that you're happy that they're happy.
posted by fire&wings at 3:51 AM on September 15, 2010
posted by fire&wings at 3:51 AM on September 15, 2010
Response by poster: I've been today at her's wedding ceremony. Everything went fine, as expected. I'm still quite surprised by my reaction but at the same time I feel full of good karma. Thank you for a very valuable input.
posted by przepla at 9:50 AM on September 18, 2010
posted by przepla at 9:50 AM on September 18, 2010
Response by poster: And yet another update on the situation almost a month later. MCMikeNamara said that instead of burnt bridge I would earn a friend. He was right and that result in itself was very worthy experiencing the whole crush-thing.
posted by przepla at 7:09 PM on October 12, 2010
posted by przepla at 7:09 PM on October 12, 2010
« Older Investing in third world entrepreneurs | What are the steps to publish a children's book? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by John Cohen at 6:12 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]