I can't afford to quit.
September 14, 2010 5:16 PM Subscribe
I need a behavioral/lifecoach/guidance for a long term chronic problem I've had at work.
I work in Television as a writer. I have fucked up jobs because I have this great initial support and raves about my ability and work ethic, then, I change. Instead of being who I was that won that praise, I become less hilariously "Who gives a fuck?" And more, needy and over analyzing of every move.
Worse, when the showrunner begins to pull away or shut me out, I go insane with fear and anxiety until I either leave or they decide I'm not worth the trouble.
This has not been a problem for decades because I have been able to get on show after show for 20 years. But I have come to the end of the road in terms of being able to run to a new place. There are no new jobs in sitcoms. When I started there were like 30, now there may be 10?
This is really a personal thing I need fixed for my own mental health. I have had a very successful career, and am regularly listed on the top ten of showrunners, studios and networks “want to work with” lists. Past bosses always sing my praises, they just often opt not to work with me again. I think because, yes, I’m brilliant and hilarious, but the anxiety issue has made it not desirable to try again.
I never thought this was a problem. I did extensive therapy and overcame an anger problem and other stuff as well. But, I finally realize, I DO have a problem that has haunted me my whole career, which is, when I’m successful and doing well, if there’s a bump in that I fucking freak out and mishandle the situation.
I would like to overcome this problem. But I don't need therapy. My therapist lives 30 miles from me. This is in LA, which means it’s an hour drive each way. I need someone who can be there for me on the phone and through the day, to be my anchor, guide me, calm me, set me straight. What I need would be like a LEGITIMATE life coach. Not one of one of those “sad, lives in an apartment and can't be successful in their own lives,” life coach. But someone who understands the trickiness of this business and the bizarre nature of the ego politics that are at play. I often describe it as a minefield. I have to navigate the minefield every day.
There are a few things about this new job which make it essential that I learn how to overcome this horribly crippling anxiety about being pushed aside.
1: If I wasn't anxious, my contributions would remain as great as they were they were prior to the need to "please" a difficult boss.
2:The last hit show I was on was in 1997. Another hit at this point in my career could propel me forward and give me cachet so that I might be able to finally get my own show on the air.
3: My boss thrives on the punishment reward system. You did good, you're in. You weren't so hot, you're out. When you're out, the anxiety just makes it that much harder to do the work you are capable of. He is also hot and cold on people. EVERYONE knows this. Even writers who are "in" have anxiety because they know they will soon be out for some reason.
OH SHIT, I forgot 4: As a child, my mother did this EXACT SAME THING. It was terrifying. If you did something she didn’t want you to do, she would go icy cold, and I would panic like crazy, trying to please her again. Strangely, once, when I was in my 30’s, my mom just casually said to me, “You know, when you kids were little, if you did something I didn’t like, I would withdraw my love. Do you think that affected you?” So, this is a very old primal habit picked up from the womb.
I can’t quit this job. My SO had a brain aneurysm a few years ago, just as the writers went on strike. We were able to live for 2 years on my cash reserves. We have none now, and I need to build it back up. My career has been dwindling because of my age, this show is going to be a hit and it will be a huge boost for me career wise.
The kind of help I want is someone that can LITERALLY guide me through behavioral changes to get to the point where I don't care what this guy thinks of me or my contributions (which is how I came into the job and how I became his darling). I need someone I could invite to the show, let them hang and see me and this guy in action. And I need someone who I can call during the day for brief encouragement and help.
This is like a fantasy of what would be awesome, but don’t know how realistic it is.
My question is: Has anyone had any great Life Coach experiences? Did you find it helpful?
Does anyone have any sort of program or person you could recommend that could help me with this? I live in Pasadena, so anyone in LA or on the east side would be great.
My therapist is good, but contact is EXTREMELY limited. Phone calls have a 4-6 hour turn around and appointments take two weeks to book. I need someone more hands on. Any ideas, hive mind?
I work in Television as a writer. I have fucked up jobs because I have this great initial support and raves about my ability and work ethic, then, I change. Instead of being who I was that won that praise, I become less hilariously "Who gives a fuck?" And more, needy and over analyzing of every move.
Worse, when the showrunner begins to pull away or shut me out, I go insane with fear and anxiety until I either leave or they decide I'm not worth the trouble.
This has not been a problem for decades because I have been able to get on show after show for 20 years. But I have come to the end of the road in terms of being able to run to a new place. There are no new jobs in sitcoms. When I started there were like 30, now there may be 10?
This is really a personal thing I need fixed for my own mental health. I have had a very successful career, and am regularly listed on the top ten of showrunners, studios and networks “want to work with” lists. Past bosses always sing my praises, they just often opt not to work with me again. I think because, yes, I’m brilliant and hilarious, but the anxiety issue has made it not desirable to try again.
I never thought this was a problem. I did extensive therapy and overcame an anger problem and other stuff as well. But, I finally realize, I DO have a problem that has haunted me my whole career, which is, when I’m successful and doing well, if there’s a bump in that I fucking freak out and mishandle the situation.
I would like to overcome this problem. But I don't need therapy. My therapist lives 30 miles from me. This is in LA, which means it’s an hour drive each way. I need someone who can be there for me on the phone and through the day, to be my anchor, guide me, calm me, set me straight. What I need would be like a LEGITIMATE life coach. Not one of one of those “sad, lives in an apartment and can't be successful in their own lives,” life coach. But someone who understands the trickiness of this business and the bizarre nature of the ego politics that are at play. I often describe it as a minefield. I have to navigate the minefield every day.
There are a few things about this new job which make it essential that I learn how to overcome this horribly crippling anxiety about being pushed aside.
1: If I wasn't anxious, my contributions would remain as great as they were they were prior to the need to "please" a difficult boss.
2:The last hit show I was on was in 1997. Another hit at this point in my career could propel me forward and give me cachet so that I might be able to finally get my own show on the air.
3: My boss thrives on the punishment reward system. You did good, you're in. You weren't so hot, you're out. When you're out, the anxiety just makes it that much harder to do the work you are capable of. He is also hot and cold on people. EVERYONE knows this. Even writers who are "in" have anxiety because they know they will soon be out for some reason.
OH SHIT, I forgot 4: As a child, my mother did this EXACT SAME THING. It was terrifying. If you did something she didn’t want you to do, she would go icy cold, and I would panic like crazy, trying to please her again. Strangely, once, when I was in my 30’s, my mom just casually said to me, “You know, when you kids were little, if you did something I didn’t like, I would withdraw my love. Do you think that affected you?” So, this is a very old primal habit picked up from the womb.
I can’t quit this job. My SO had a brain aneurysm a few years ago, just as the writers went on strike. We were able to live for 2 years on my cash reserves. We have none now, and I need to build it back up. My career has been dwindling because of my age, this show is going to be a hit and it will be a huge boost for me career wise.
The kind of help I want is someone that can LITERALLY guide me through behavioral changes to get to the point where I don't care what this guy thinks of me or my contributions (which is how I came into the job and how I became his darling). I need someone I could invite to the show, let them hang and see me and this guy in action. And I need someone who I can call during the day for brief encouragement and help.
This is like a fantasy of what would be awesome, but don’t know how realistic it is.
My question is: Has anyone had any great Life Coach experiences? Did you find it helpful?
Does anyone have any sort of program or person you could recommend that could help me with this? I live in Pasadena, so anyone in LA or on the east side would be great.
My therapist is good, but contact is EXTREMELY limited. Phone calls have a 4-6 hour turn around and appointments take two weeks to book. I need someone more hands on. Any ideas, hive mind?
I'm a therapist right in your area, and although this is far from my expertise area, I can think of a few fantastic people to recommend who would potentially be great matches. Could you post a throwaway email (or send me a memail, if you're comfortable), maybe? I'd be happy to give you the info, but would rather not post it in a comment here.
Therapists do what life coaches do, except that they are also prepared and well-trained for the emotional fallout once you start getting into the underlying stuff about why these basic functional issues are happening. I'd strongly urge you to consider it as an option, even though you're saying it's not what you need right now. Therapy isn't only "tell me about your mother".
posted by so_gracefully at 5:42 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Therapists do what life coaches do, except that they are also prepared and well-trained for the emotional fallout once you start getting into the underlying stuff about why these basic functional issues are happening. I'd strongly urge you to consider it as an option, even though you're saying it's not what you need right now. Therapy isn't only "tell me about your mother".
posted by so_gracefully at 5:42 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I have a very good Life Coach I work with on the phone. It's appointment based, but I'm sure you could make an arrangement to be on call within reason.
Behavioral changes is exactly what he is helping me with right now. Lately we've been going through conversations I've had that have gone awry, that I think I've mishandled, and we look at the way I reacted, and see how I could have responded differently to have a more productive interaction. The key is to keep practicing the tools he's giving you for communication. I guess I could say the focus is on aligning your actions with your values. The nice thing about life coaches is they work with you in the present, and at least in my case, rarely discuss the past beyond a few months.
My guy is Canada on the East coast and I'm happy to give you his name, but someone in your time zone is probably a good choice. It does sound like a good move for you.
posted by gillianr at 5:43 PM on September 14, 2010
Behavioral changes is exactly what he is helping me with right now. Lately we've been going through conversations I've had that have gone awry, that I think I've mishandled, and we look at the way I reacted, and see how I could have responded differently to have a more productive interaction. The key is to keep practicing the tools he's giving you for communication. I guess I could say the focus is on aligning your actions with your values. The nice thing about life coaches is they work with you in the present, and at least in my case, rarely discuss the past beyond a few months.
My guy is Canada on the East coast and I'm happy to give you his name, but someone in your time zone is probably a good choice. It does sound like a good move for you.
posted by gillianr at 5:43 PM on September 14, 2010
You are looking outside yourself for something you need to find inside yourself. Even the best therapists can only guide you to what you can do for yourself, and what you are asking for here -- the hanging out at the show, meeting your coworkers, micromanaging your interactions -- is the very neediness that you claim torpedoes you.
I had a similar problem, picked up from a similar form of emotional abuse by my parents, and I can't say I've completely kicked it but I'm at least functional.
The very worst thing you can do to yourself given this problem is convince yourself that OMFG THIS JOB IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. In fact, the only way you're going to work through this is to convince yourself that this job is absolutely voluntary, you are doing it for love, dealing with the quirks of your coworkers is a small price to pay, and if there is a risk that one of them will kablooey and kick you off then there are always dumpsters to dive. Even if that isn't true, you must convince yourself that it's OK so that you won't get all anxious about it. I can tell you from personal experience that the irony of your situation is that you must learn to lie to yourself about the possibility of failure in order to minimize your chances of actually experiencing it. And I know, I know, since you're a creative person you might have a problem doing that and doing your job at the same time. If that's the case I don't know what to say.
In my case sometimes it helps (and I'm good at this) to think of how insignificant all of this is. Oh sure, I've built tens of thousands of industrial systems and people all over the country know who I am, but you know what? In a hundred years all that will be left of any of them might be a few fragments in museums cryptically labelled by caretakers who don't know how they worked and sure as hell don't know my name. In a thousand years this whole culture might be buried under new forests. In ten thousand years, a hundred thousand, a million, what will all this mean? The universe is alive with whirling stars blowing up and rocks colliding and sometimes it's like hyperventilating into a paper bag to take that long view and realize that when you start talking about things that really matter, most likely nothing I do really is going to matter all that much. So be it.
Well that works for me. Hope you can find something that works for you, and you should try looking because I doubt the kind of help you're asking for here is going to materialize.
posted by localroger at 5:45 PM on September 14, 2010 [9 favorites]
I had a similar problem, picked up from a similar form of emotional abuse by my parents, and I can't say I've completely kicked it but I'm at least functional.
The very worst thing you can do to yourself given this problem is convince yourself that OMFG THIS JOB IS THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN YOUR LIFE. In fact, the only way you're going to work through this is to convince yourself that this job is absolutely voluntary, you are doing it for love, dealing with the quirks of your coworkers is a small price to pay, and if there is a risk that one of them will kablooey and kick you off then there are always dumpsters to dive. Even if that isn't true, you must convince yourself that it's OK so that you won't get all anxious about it. I can tell you from personal experience that the irony of your situation is that you must learn to lie to yourself about the possibility of failure in order to minimize your chances of actually experiencing it. And I know, I know, since you're a creative person you might have a problem doing that and doing your job at the same time. If that's the case I don't know what to say.
In my case sometimes it helps (and I'm good at this) to think of how insignificant all of this is. Oh sure, I've built tens of thousands of industrial systems and people all over the country know who I am, but you know what? In a hundred years all that will be left of any of them might be a few fragments in museums cryptically labelled by caretakers who don't know how they worked and sure as hell don't know my name. In a thousand years this whole culture might be buried under new forests. In ten thousand years, a hundred thousand, a million, what will all this mean? The universe is alive with whirling stars blowing up and rocks colliding and sometimes it's like hyperventilating into a paper bag to take that long view and realize that when you start talking about things that really matter, most likely nothing I do really is going to matter all that much. So be it.
Well that works for me. Hope you can find something that works for you, and you should try looking because I doubt the kind of help you're asking for here is going to materialize.
posted by localroger at 5:45 PM on September 14, 2010 [9 favorites]
Seconding CBT with a good therapist who could do roleplaying exercises with you. You need to get to a point where you don't need someone onsite and immediately available. Anyone who overindulges this need for you will probably suck your finances dry and enable your anxiety further. There's a happy medium between being onsite and two week waits, find a therapist with a lighter workload who can deal with 2-3 days notice.
posted by benzenedream at 5:46 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 5:46 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
I hope you make a ton of money if you want to hire someone who's on call 24-7. (I recently read this article, which is not what you are looking for, but the woman mentions being on call 24-7 for five people a month... for $10,000.) I don't think a whole lot of people would WANT to be your personal constant babysitter (though I guess if there's anywhere on the planet that you can find someone for that, it'd be LA...), and even then it has to cost you tons for that level of service. So to me, living in nowheresville, this seems pretty... impractical for you to expect to find AND be able to afford.
I'm thinking that maybe your first step should be to find a closer by shrink, one that you can see weekly. If you don't go to this one because it's hard to get appointments and it's too far away for you to go anyway, then what good is that shrink doing you if you're not able to take enough advantage of their goodness. I concur with pazazygeek that you really need to learn the tools to take care of yourself rather than have a babysitter.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:56 PM on September 14, 2010
I'm thinking that maybe your first step should be to find a closer by shrink, one that you can see weekly. If you don't go to this one because it's hard to get appointments and it's too far away for you to go anyway, then what good is that shrink doing you if you're not able to take enough advantage of their goodness. I concur with pazazygeek that you really need to learn the tools to take care of yourself rather than have a babysitter.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:56 PM on September 14, 2010
Sounds like a good time to take a landmark forum workshop. I found it very useful in transition times, as it allowed me to literally free myself from the handicaps of my past and become open to create a future that I want. It is also comparatively very cheap and after you're done they always have phone numbers you can call for free coaching whenever you want. They basically coach you in being accountable and getting over your own bullshit so you can have freedom and possibilities.
posted by blueyellow at 8:33 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by blueyellow at 8:33 PM on September 14, 2010
Another complimentary thing I would recommend is to meet up with these guys, assuming you're in LA (showbiz). I've personally been doing NLP/ hypnosis for 17 years and it is literally the fastest way I know to get long lasting change fast. You won't believe it but I've personally eliminated peoples' lifelong phobias in 15 minutes amongst many other forms of fast, effective change work. I haven't met them personally, but the people who run this center come highly recommended as good trainers and practitioners. You could consider their upcoming Core Transformations workshop (which I've done and assisted in trainings for) that seems relevant for what you're going through as well. Or, just schedule a consultation for personal work.
posted by blueyellow at 9:01 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by blueyellow at 9:01 PM on September 14, 2010
OP here with a throwaway account. I don't need someone on call 24/7. I'm not Brian Wilson. I need someone, it can even be a therapist, who I'll call maybe 2x a week and could see ongoing 1x a week. I'm not crazy, people. Just, in this situation, I crack. And I KNOW it has to come from inside, BUT, behavioral coaching can be just as effective as any other kind of therapy. Do the actions and the feelings follow.
I have had 20+ years of therapy. I had an enormous breakthrough, the biggest of my life about 3 years ago. Since then, I have been very happy, and happy with myself. The issue then had to do with my mother as well. There was emotional devastation and an amazing rebuilding. Then God threw me curveball.
This particular problem only crops up in a few situations, one of which is happening now. I don't need someone to talk to EVERY day, I need someone who, when a situation happens, I can call and be guided behaviorally. All I know now is my innate reaction is WRONG, I have no new behavior or skills or insight as to what I could do that would help me react more appropriately. And not 24/7 - I'm not having a nervous breakdown. This is a short term problem, I have a chance to ACTUALLY FIX IT, so, I thought I would.
After posting this I realized that the one of the things that makes this situation worse is the pressure from my agent and my spouse to "not fuck it up." I called my SO and told her "stop pressuring me with your anxieties about how we can't afford for me to lose this job." It was a hard talk, but she understood. Tomorrow, I'm calling my agent and telling him the same thing. The pressure of not being able to quit because I will let people down is the hardest part of this.
There are some great suggestions here. Am reading the links, and looking forward to recommendations from so_gracefully, gillianr, and bluyellow. Also, localroger, you are spot on. I want to do both at the same time, change the behavior while getting to the core of letting go of this kind of fear. Thanks, everyone. good ideas here.
If anyone wants to send me a personal message or info - you can email this throwaway account: tvwriter230 at gmail.com.
posted by tvwriter at 12:04 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have had 20+ years of therapy. I had an enormous breakthrough, the biggest of my life about 3 years ago. Since then, I have been very happy, and happy with myself. The issue then had to do with my mother as well. There was emotional devastation and an amazing rebuilding. Then God threw me curveball.
This particular problem only crops up in a few situations, one of which is happening now. I don't need someone to talk to EVERY day, I need someone who, when a situation happens, I can call and be guided behaviorally. All I know now is my innate reaction is WRONG, I have no new behavior or skills or insight as to what I could do that would help me react more appropriately. And not 24/7 - I'm not having a nervous breakdown. This is a short term problem, I have a chance to ACTUALLY FIX IT, so, I thought I would.
After posting this I realized that the one of the things that makes this situation worse is the pressure from my agent and my spouse to "not fuck it up." I called my SO and told her "stop pressuring me with your anxieties about how we can't afford for me to lose this job." It was a hard talk, but she understood. Tomorrow, I'm calling my agent and telling him the same thing. The pressure of not being able to quit because I will let people down is the hardest part of this.
There are some great suggestions here. Am reading the links, and looking forward to recommendations from so_gracefully, gillianr, and bluyellow. Also, localroger, you are spot on. I want to do both at the same time, change the behavior while getting to the core of letting go of this kind of fear. Thanks, everyone. good ideas here.
If anyone wants to send me a personal message or info - you can email this throwaway account: tvwriter230 at gmail.com.
posted by tvwriter at 12:04 AM on September 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
I have a very good Life Coach I work with on the phone. We do one call a week. She's also available for texts and emails in between calls. She's really awesome and I would be happy to connect you with her. I work in entertainment. She was recommended to me by a writer friend. I would venture to say most of her clients are in the creative field. I had major hesitations signing up for this type of thing and so far I am beyond happy. Hit me up if you want a phone number and if you have any questions.
posted by phaedon at 12:26 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by phaedon at 12:26 AM on September 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Before signing on for Landmark Forums, please note that they have had lots of criticisms about being a quasi-cult/hard sell organization. I'm not saying they may not have worked for others, but please read up on them first.
posted by benzenedream at 12:47 AM on September 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by benzenedream at 12:47 AM on September 15, 2010 [5 favorites]
As a point of note, pazazygeek said this:
".) There's no credential that makes you a life coach, exactly.
2.) Life coaches basically tell you what to do -- their end goal isn't exactly to help you to solve your problems on your own.
3.) I've known a few people who both are life coaches and some who've had them, and to be honest, it usually seems to devolve into some weird, creepy, borderline cultish behavior at times."
Really? This is so not true.
1. There are many, many credentialed trainging groups for personal coaching that have been around a long time and offer very specific types of training. A lot of work goes into being a coach. I've worked with several and they are very authentic and work with integrity.
2. Life coaches DO NOT tell you what to do. Neither do therapists. Coaches help you explore options and point out things they see but always, always free will is present. Jeez. The goal is not to have a dependent client because seriously? No one wants that. The goal is to assist your client with whatever is for their highest good and what they want to work on.
3. Anything can have weird, creepy, borderline cultish behavior at times - ANY group. So this is just a huge generalization.
I wrote to the OP but wanted to clarify a few things from my perspective of having been a client (in therapy and in coaching) and can speak to the differences between them. IMO, a coach would be a great option for the OP. Someone who sees a bigger picture would be a big benefit here.
(Hope this is not chat-filter but I had to say it.)
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:02 AM on September 15, 2010
".) There's no credential that makes you a life coach, exactly.
2.) Life coaches basically tell you what to do -- their end goal isn't exactly to help you to solve your problems on your own.
3.) I've known a few people who both are life coaches and some who've had them, and to be honest, it usually seems to devolve into some weird, creepy, borderline cultish behavior at times."
Really? This is so not true.
1. There are many, many credentialed trainging groups for personal coaching that have been around a long time and offer very specific types of training. A lot of work goes into being a coach. I've worked with several and they are very authentic and work with integrity.
2. Life coaches DO NOT tell you what to do. Neither do therapists. Coaches help you explore options and point out things they see but always, always free will is present. Jeez. The goal is not to have a dependent client because seriously? No one wants that. The goal is to assist your client with whatever is for their highest good and what they want to work on.
3. Anything can have weird, creepy, borderline cultish behavior at times - ANY group. So this is just a huge generalization.
I wrote to the OP but wanted to clarify a few things from my perspective of having been a client (in therapy and in coaching) and can speak to the differences between them. IMO, a coach would be a great option for the OP. Someone who sees a bigger picture would be a big benefit here.
(Hope this is not chat-filter but I had to say it.)
posted by Mysticalchick at 7:02 AM on September 15, 2010
Mod note: comment removed - landmark derails need to go to email folks, sorry.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:42 AM on September 17, 2010
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 10:42 AM on September 17, 2010
UPDATE: I had the best resolution of a problem anyone could hope to have. At the time I posted my question, I was 3 days into a 2 week long bronchitis attack. During that time, I was popping Ativan every night to sleep, and dealing with feeling shitty and sick with a high fever all day. The anxiety and fear as I kept getting sicker was unbearable. Then, at some point, after being unable to sleep all night and making myself sick with worry, I began to explore my fear. I had spent my life always just retreating from my anxiety or fear, and my life became smaller and smaller, I mean there were more and more things that I just couldn't tolerate the anxiety level for, so I just crossed them off my list. Like, parties, travel abroad, asshole bosses... and I had nowhere else to retreat to. As I looked back on all this, an idea began to come to the surface, and then, about day 10, it blew open. And that idea was: "I am creating the anxiety." ME. I created the anxiety by letting my mind run wild with future scenarios of my failures and humiliations. My fear of being PERCEIVED to not be a good writer. And my fear was driven by needing to avoid that feeling of shame, if anyone discounted me.
This was all planted as a seed by localroger. I mean, I skimmed it, but I dismissed it. But, I'm sure it planted a seed that came to fruition at a certain point.
I also read something Jon Stewart said and I thought about how much I admired his and Stephen Colbert's courage. Where did they get the courage to say and do the things they did and not have the fear that might make them say or do the wrong thing? And I realized it was because THEY KNEW WHO THEY WERE. And anything they did or said from that place could never be wrong or embarrassing, because they never betrayed themselves.
I realized I needed to know myself. I needed to be so sure of who I was and what mattered to me so that no matter what I did or said, it would not be something I would regret because it would be true to me. So, I have begun the journey of knowing myself.
Secondly, I stopped the anxiety and fear in its tracks. It's not easy. I have to talk myself off the cliff edge a lot. But, I DO KNOW, that I create my feelings about a situation, and it's up to ME to soothe and take care of myself in those situations. There is no one else who can do that for me, and by constantly seeking it from others, I grew weaker and more afraid, because I could never get what I needed, which was peace inside myself. I asked myself the question: What if I get fired? and What if I quit? And the answer to both questions was: "Who gives fuck?" (Right, localroger?) I didn't care. I would be okay either way. And any shame that might be attached to it was only attached by me. So, there was no shame in either option.
Since I returned to work, I have actually been thrown out of the writer's room. The other Exec Producer came to me after and was very upset about how the other EP acted and we had a long talk, and I said, "I don't thrive in an atmosphere of failure and fear." He understood, and agreed. Days have gone by. The angry EP eventually called me and said that my being out of the room now was just what he needed to do. I told him, "You're the boss, whatever you need."
I have no fear, I have no regrets, and I actually feel pretty good. If he wants to pay me huge sums of money to sit at home, I can spend that time writing what I want to, caring for my aging dog and improving my health.
One thing I'm doing in my highly paid free time is facing another thing I've spent my life running from: My finances. I started a plan to pare down expenses as much as possible and see what I would need to be able to retire NOW and live okay till I die. I did some checking on my WGA pension, and my investments, and it turns out, I could retire today. Between pension, dividends and whatever SMALL job I want to work at for pleasure, I could easily have enough money to support me, my mother and my S.O. FOR LIFE. Thanks to the WGA, I qualified for lifetime health insurance 3 years ago. So, I have full coverage, with NO premiums, (all premiums have been paid by my income overages in the last 20 years). When medicare kicks in, it becomes my supplemental insurance.
I felt free. I'm 54. That's young to retire. I could retire and write what the fuck I wanted until I died.
It's not easy. I have to struggle in moments when I feel rage coming up or jealousy because others are getting praise and recognition at work. It's hard to do, but I keep centering myself and saying, "Is this the feeling you want to define you?"
Anyway, thanks everyone for all the contacts and philosophy and advice. I think this will end up being one of the best things that could've happened to me. Wish me luck. Send good thoughts/prayers/mystical chantings for my strength and personal courage to keep holding out.
posted by tvwriter at 12:30 PM on September 30, 2010 [7 favorites]
This was all planted as a seed by localroger. I mean, I skimmed it, but I dismissed it. But, I'm sure it planted a seed that came to fruition at a certain point.
I also read something Jon Stewart said and I thought about how much I admired his and Stephen Colbert's courage. Where did they get the courage to say and do the things they did and not have the fear that might make them say or do the wrong thing? And I realized it was because THEY KNEW WHO THEY WERE. And anything they did or said from that place could never be wrong or embarrassing, because they never betrayed themselves.
I realized I needed to know myself. I needed to be so sure of who I was and what mattered to me so that no matter what I did or said, it would not be something I would regret because it would be true to me. So, I have begun the journey of knowing myself.
Secondly, I stopped the anxiety and fear in its tracks. It's not easy. I have to talk myself off the cliff edge a lot. But, I DO KNOW, that I create my feelings about a situation, and it's up to ME to soothe and take care of myself in those situations. There is no one else who can do that for me, and by constantly seeking it from others, I grew weaker and more afraid, because I could never get what I needed, which was peace inside myself. I asked myself the question: What if I get fired? and What if I quit? And the answer to both questions was: "Who gives fuck?" (Right, localroger?) I didn't care. I would be okay either way. And any shame that might be attached to it was only attached by me. So, there was no shame in either option.
Since I returned to work, I have actually been thrown out of the writer's room. The other Exec Producer came to me after and was very upset about how the other EP acted and we had a long talk, and I said, "I don't thrive in an atmosphere of failure and fear." He understood, and agreed. Days have gone by. The angry EP eventually called me and said that my being out of the room now was just what he needed to do. I told him, "You're the boss, whatever you need."
I have no fear, I have no regrets, and I actually feel pretty good. If he wants to pay me huge sums of money to sit at home, I can spend that time writing what I want to, caring for my aging dog and improving my health.
One thing I'm doing in my highly paid free time is facing another thing I've spent my life running from: My finances. I started a plan to pare down expenses as much as possible and see what I would need to be able to retire NOW and live okay till I die. I did some checking on my WGA pension, and my investments, and it turns out, I could retire today. Between pension, dividends and whatever SMALL job I want to work at for pleasure, I could easily have enough money to support me, my mother and my S.O. FOR LIFE. Thanks to the WGA, I qualified for lifetime health insurance 3 years ago. So, I have full coverage, with NO premiums, (all premiums have been paid by my income overages in the last 20 years). When medicare kicks in, it becomes my supplemental insurance.
I felt free. I'm 54. That's young to retire. I could retire and write what the fuck I wanted until I died.
It's not easy. I have to struggle in moments when I feel rage coming up or jealousy because others are getting praise and recognition at work. It's hard to do, but I keep centering myself and saying, "Is this the feeling you want to define you?"
Anyway, thanks everyone for all the contacts and philosophy and advice. I think this will end up being one of the best things that could've happened to me. Wish me luck. Send good thoughts/prayers/mystical chantings for my strength and personal courage to keep holding out.
posted by tvwriter at 12:30 PM on September 30, 2010 [7 favorites]
Wow, I just happened upon this searching for old stuff -- I"m really glad this is working out for you, tvwriter. It sounds like you have made a real breakthrough, and if I could be the seed for that I'm very glad. I hope a might oak grows from that :-)
posted by localroger at 6:46 PM on December 6, 2010
posted by localroger at 6:46 PM on December 6, 2010
UPDATE: I got fired shortly after this post. They had to pay out my contract. I have spent the last several months enjoying my life on their dime. Next time, I will quit... OR... I will do what I did at this job - quit being afraid, which apparently enrages a bully so much that they feel forced to fire you, because bullying you into quitting isn't going to work.
posted by generic230 at 11:22 AM on March 26, 2011
posted by generic230 at 11:22 AM on March 26, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
Life coaches are scarier than therapists for several reasons:
1.) There's no credential that makes you a life coach, exactly.
2.) Life coaches basically tell you what to do -- their end goal isn't exactly to help you to solve your problems on your own.
3.) I've known a few people who both are life coaches and some who've had them, and to be honest, it usually seems to devolve into some weird, creepy, borderline cultish behavior at times.
My first thought reading your post was, geesh, if you need someone to talk to on the phone every day to calm you down, hell yes, you DO need therapy. THat's not sustainable long term at all! You need to learn the tools to not have to call someone everytime you freak out.
Is there maybe a middle road here? There are so many brilliant therapists in Los Angeles. You say you don't need therapy but you really are saying "my current, great therapist is too far and too difficult to reach."
A life coach isn't going to help you draw the lines between your mother and your behavior as well as a TRAINED therapist can.
What I think you want is intensive cognitive behavioral therapy, maybe two times a week, with someone very nearby. Maybe find someone who works happily over the phone?
Yes, this can be expensive. But it's probably more likely to work than hiring a guru.
posted by pazazygeek at 5:30 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]