And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone...
September 14, 2010 1:35 PM Subscribe
I have been involved in a long distance relationship for two years now. I am planning on moving out of the country to be with my partner sometime early next year. My family has absolutely FREAKED over the news. What can I do to assure them that things will be okay?
My partner and I have been together for two years. My family has met him, everyone likes him, things have been extremely friendly between everyone. Now that I've let them know that I plan on leaving the country to be with him on a permanent basis, everyone has taken the bus to Crazy Town.
The most common objections to my plan are:
1. That's so far away! What if something happens to you? We'll never be able to help you!
2. You've been at your job for 18 years! Why would you quit now when you can retire in seven more?
3. We'll never get to see you! My kids will grow up without their uncle!
A little background: I'm the oldest of three kids and I've always been the mediator. I've tried to keep everyone together and keep everyone happy, often at the expense of my own happiness. My sister and her two children are currently living with me in a house that our parents own and I've had to fill in for the majority of the "male parental influence" for them as their father was abusive and is no longer in the picture. I will miss them greatly, as I've been around them since they were born and love them dearly, but I see this as an opportunity to start things fresh in a new place with someone who loves and cares for me.
Do you folks have any suggestions for how I can assure my family that I will be okay and might, in fact, thrive in this new environment?
My partner and I have been together for two years. My family has met him, everyone likes him, things have been extremely friendly between everyone. Now that I've let them know that I plan on leaving the country to be with him on a permanent basis, everyone has taken the bus to Crazy Town.
The most common objections to my plan are:
1. That's so far away! What if something happens to you? We'll never be able to help you!
2. You've been at your job for 18 years! Why would you quit now when you can retire in seven more?
3. We'll never get to see you! My kids will grow up without their uncle!
A little background: I'm the oldest of three kids and I've always been the mediator. I've tried to keep everyone together and keep everyone happy, often at the expense of my own happiness. My sister and her two children are currently living with me in a house that our parents own and I've had to fill in for the majority of the "male parental influence" for them as their father was abusive and is no longer in the picture. I will miss them greatly, as I've been around them since they were born and love them dearly, but I see this as an opportunity to start things fresh in a new place with someone who loves and cares for me.
Do you folks have any suggestions for how I can assure my family that I will be okay and might, in fact, thrive in this new environment?
"Thank you for your concerns about me, but I am confident that this is the right decision for me." I will miss living with your kids so much but they will always have their uncle who loves them dearly."
Hopefully, they will adjust to the idea as time passes.
posted by murrey at 1:41 PM on September 14, 2010
Hopefully, they will adjust to the idea as time passes.
posted by murrey at 1:41 PM on September 14, 2010
you deserve to find your own happiness. it's wonderful that you've stepped up as "male parental role" and there will be some adjustments after you leave, but it's not your job to keep everyone afloat. when someone in a codependent situation makes moves to leave, the other(s) enmeshed will fight to keep that from happening. this journey you're taking might show you things about your family that you didn't realize. i think their all aboard pass to crazy town is the beginning of that.
i might be reading too much into it, but they might be looking at what they're losing and you're trying to convince them of what you're gaining. those are just two different conversations.
i think you should go, be merry, be in love, and watch out for guilt trips from afar.
to mitigate it some, maybe plan one or two trips back home a year. being with them and then suddenly without them is going to be hard on you too, probably.
posted by nadawi at 1:42 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
i might be reading too much into it, but they might be looking at what they're losing and you're trying to convince them of what you're gaining. those are just two different conversations.
i think you should go, be merry, be in love, and watch out for guilt trips from afar.
to mitigate it some, maybe plan one or two trips back home a year. being with them and then suddenly without them is going to be hard on you too, probably.
posted by nadawi at 1:42 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Give them some time to adjust to the idea.
Stay firm in your decision - let them know this is not up for discussion.
Offer to help them get adjusted to your absence - look into Skype or other ways of staying in touch.
Accent the positives - like "Hey you can come visit me in foreign country!" and "I'm really happy about this."
posted by NoraCharles at 1:45 PM on September 14, 2010
Stay firm in your decision - let them know this is not up for discussion.
Offer to help them get adjusted to your absence - look into Skype or other ways of staying in touch.
Accent the positives - like "Hey you can come visit me in foreign country!" and "I'm really happy about this."
posted by NoraCharles at 1:45 PM on September 14, 2010
1. That's so far away! What if something happens to you? We'll never be able to help you!
ANS: This just something I need to do.
2. You've been at your job for 18 years! Why would you quit now when you can retire in seven more?
ANS: This is just something I need to do.
3. We'll never get to see you! My kids will grow up without their uncle!
ANS: This is just something I need to do.
By the way, I am a little troubled by the fact that you will be giving up your role as male influence for your nieces and nephews. I think the kids will need a bit more of an explanation, plus a promise that you will somehow remain part of their lives, and that you love them, and they are not the reason why you are moving away.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:47 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
ANS: This just something I need to do.
2. You've been at your job for 18 years! Why would you quit now when you can retire in seven more?
ANS: This is just something I need to do.
3. We'll never get to see you! My kids will grow up without their uncle!
ANS: This is just something I need to do.
By the way, I am a little troubled by the fact that you will be giving up your role as male influence for your nieces and nephews. I think the kids will need a bit more of an explanation, plus a promise that you will somehow remain part of their lives, and that you love them, and they are not the reason why you are moving away.
posted by KokuRyu at 1:47 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I went through the same thing and I was only moving to a different city a few hours away. They came up with an impressive array of imaginative reasons why I was making the worst mistake of my life and purposely inflicting damage on the family. They even tried to convince me to delay my moving date.
My strategy was to ignore them for the most part but call them out when they went over the line of decency (accuse me of purposely injuring the family). After I got there, everything was back to normal and none of the strife was mentioned or hinted at again.
You have to take care of yourself. The kids will be okay and everyone will learn from your good example. Maybe your sister will be inspired and find a good man to be a father figure for your kids. Even if she doesn't, they aren't your kids and while it's nice to be good to them, they're not your responsibility if their mother is raising them properly.
posted by amethysts at 1:51 PM on September 14, 2010
My strategy was to ignore them for the most part but call them out when they went over the line of decency (accuse me of purposely injuring the family). After I got there, everything was back to normal and none of the strife was mentioned or hinted at again.
You have to take care of yourself. The kids will be okay and everyone will learn from your good example. Maybe your sister will be inspired and find a good man to be a father figure for your kids. Even if she doesn't, they aren't your kids and while it's nice to be good to them, they're not your responsibility if their mother is raising them properly.
posted by amethysts at 1:51 PM on September 14, 2010
Best answer: Obviously don't be a jerk about it but you don't have to assure your family that you will be okay. Even if things don't work out.. It's your life. You get exactly one of them. Go be a human.
posted by pwally at 1:54 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by pwally at 1:54 PM on September 14, 2010 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks so much for the responses you guys have already given...that was FAST! :)
I wanted to specifically address KokuRyu's comment about me leaving my niece and nephew. My nephew is 24 months old and my niece is 14 months old, so I think they might still be a bit too young to think that yet. I hadn't even considered that a possibility, actually. That's a good point.
In fact, the only thing that even makes me remotely reconsider this course of action is the idea of leaving both of them.
posted by BrianJ at 1:56 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
I wanted to specifically address KokuRyu's comment about me leaving my niece and nephew. My nephew is 24 months old and my niece is 14 months old, so I think they might still be a bit too young to think that yet. I hadn't even considered that a possibility, actually. That's a good point.
In fact, the only thing that even makes me remotely reconsider this course of action is the idea of leaving both of them.
posted by BrianJ at 1:56 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
They might just be frightened of something new. Are you moving to a place none of them have ever been? It may seem to them like you're moving to the moon. Maybe reassuring them that once you're settled in, they'll be able to make trips there, you'll be able to make trips here, everyone can skype, etc, would be useful.
posted by mdn at 2:03 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by mdn at 2:03 PM on September 14, 2010
One thing you can do is set everyone up on a skype or skypesqe type video conferencing plan and then commit to one video call a week. That might make them feel better and it would ensure that your nieces and nephews will know you. Really, given inexpensive internet phone/video services it really is possible for even people of very limited means to keep in touch. My friend has magicjack calls me in California from Italy for virtually free all the time.
posted by bananafish at 2:24 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by bananafish at 2:24 PM on September 14, 2010
Best answer: I grew up with a single mother, whose only brother lived on the other side of the country -- which may as well have been another country, frankly, since I've seen him a total of 3 times since I was an infant. I like my uncle well enough now that I'm an adult, and while I also had my father still around within some reason (and so, a slightly different situation than your niece and nephew) my mother remarried when I was still a child and I had plenty of "male influence" from my step-father.
You deserve to be happy. Your niece and nephew will be okay without you. Send birthday cards, send Christmas cards (or whatever holiday-type stuff is appropriate for you and yours), send pictures and presents and just generally stay in touch. But don't sacrifice your own life/happiness because your sister's toddler children might "need" their uncle. For all you know, in 5 or 10 years, your sister will remarry. Or maybe she won't. But the kids will grow up fine, and your sister will be fine. There's no real reason for you to believe otherwise, right?
posted by asciident at 2:31 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
You deserve to be happy. Your niece and nephew will be okay without you. Send birthday cards, send Christmas cards (or whatever holiday-type stuff is appropriate for you and yours), send pictures and presents and just generally stay in touch. But don't sacrifice your own life/happiness because your sister's toddler children might "need" their uncle. For all you know, in 5 or 10 years, your sister will remarry. Or maybe she won't. But the kids will grow up fine, and your sister will be fine. There's no real reason for you to believe otherwise, right?
posted by asciident at 2:31 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
What I'm seeing here is complacency mixed with resistance to change. My first thought when I read just the prologue to your question was, "Does he know what he is doing?" The answer appears to be a resounding yes. But, what you are facing is that they do not know what you are doing and cannot imagine a life without you right there to take care of them.
1. That's so far away! What if something happens to you? We'll never be able to help you!
This would be true if you were only two states, or two towns away. You are a big person who can take care of yourself. You will have your partner to help look after you. What they are really saying is, "Who will take care of us?" The answer is that a) you will always be available in case of emergency, and b) it is time for them to stand on their two feet.
2. You've been at your job for 18 years! Why would you quit now when you can retire in seven more?
The answer is that everyone has changeable goals. Right now this personal relationship is more important to you than the possibility that your job will be there for you in seven more years. What would happen if you gave up this relationship and got laid off next year? Nothing is forever, whether it is a job or your sister's marriage.
3. We'll never get to see you! My kids will grow up without their uncle!
You were not involved in the creation of those children. While it is nice that you have helped your sister out, you did not sign an "uncle contract" to set aside your life for them until..... She is the mother. She has a responsibility to her children. You, as uncle, might be happy to have some influence in their lives, but you do not need to be sitting at home waiting on their every whim. It appears that she has no permanent attachments except two very portable children. If your presence in their lives is that important, maybe she needs to figure out how to move to the same country you are moving to. My guess is that it is not proximity, but control over the security you are providing her that is motivating her fears.
At the risk of being too cold-hearted, it is time for her to grow a pair of legs and stand up on them.
posted by Old Geezer at 2:48 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
1. That's so far away! What if something happens to you? We'll never be able to help you!
This would be true if you were only two states, or two towns away. You are a big person who can take care of yourself. You will have your partner to help look after you. What they are really saying is, "Who will take care of us?" The answer is that a) you will always be available in case of emergency, and b) it is time for them to stand on their two feet.
2. You've been at your job for 18 years! Why would you quit now when you can retire in seven more?
The answer is that everyone has changeable goals. Right now this personal relationship is more important to you than the possibility that your job will be there for you in seven more years. What would happen if you gave up this relationship and got laid off next year? Nothing is forever, whether it is a job or your sister's marriage.
3. We'll never get to see you! My kids will grow up without their uncle!
You were not involved in the creation of those children. While it is nice that you have helped your sister out, you did not sign an "uncle contract" to set aside your life for them until..... She is the mother. She has a responsibility to her children. You, as uncle, might be happy to have some influence in their lives, but you do not need to be sitting at home waiting on their every whim. It appears that she has no permanent attachments except two very portable children. If your presence in their lives is that important, maybe she needs to figure out how to move to the same country you are moving to. My guess is that it is not proximity, but control over the security you are providing her that is motivating her fears.
At the risk of being too cold-hearted, it is time for her to grow a pair of legs and stand up on them.
posted by Old Geezer at 2:48 PM on September 14, 2010 [1 favorite]
There is no place on earth that is SO FAR AWAY that people can't get ahold of you. Most places no matter where you are on the globe are usually a less than 24-hour plane ride away. With Skype, text messaging, phone calls, etc, you could even be in touch daily if you want to. Sounds like your family is throwing out a bunch of excuses that aren't even logical.
posted by MsKim at 3:43 PM on September 14, 2010
posted by MsKim at 3:43 PM on September 14, 2010
I have moved around so much from family and friends over the years - and I'm still super close to my family. Move, and then they will discover that life goes on. Don't worry about objections beforehand.
If it gets really bad, just guilt them and say, "Don't you want me to be happy???" ;)
posted by smoke at 4:22 PM on September 14, 2010
If it gets really bad, just guilt them and say, "Don't you want me to be happy???" ;)
posted by smoke at 4:22 PM on September 14, 2010
I disagree with anniecat. I really feel like it is the first reaction when a bombshell has been dropped. I was told that when I left Atlanta for Mobile! Distance is a frightening thing, no matter if it is truly far away or not.
Just smile, thank them for caring for you, assure them that you still care for them and say that you'll still be in touch.
They will come to accept it.
posted by magnoliasouth at 4:56 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Just smile, thank them for caring for you, assure them that you still care for them and say that you'll still be in touch.
They will come to accept it.
posted by magnoliasouth at 4:56 PM on September 14, 2010 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I want to thank each and every one of your for your answers. You've given me some great ideas and suggestions and I feel a little better prepared to respond the next time the whole "You can't leave!" thing comes up again.
My family is very close and I can understand that they will miss me, just as I'm going to miss them, but it's really like pwally said, it's my life and I only get one of them. I have to do this because I feel like this is what's best for me.
Thanks again, everyone!
posted by BrianJ at 7:22 AM on September 15, 2010
My family is very close and I can understand that they will miss me, just as I'm going to miss them, but it's really like pwally said, it's my life and I only get one of them. I have to do this because I feel like this is what's best for me.
Thanks again, everyone!
posted by BrianJ at 7:22 AM on September 15, 2010
Coming in late but, if it's within your budget, start saving for airline tickets so that when the kids are a little older, they and your sister can come out and visit YOU. Having "Uncle Exotic" living in so-and-so will be an enriching experience that they all can share.
posted by cyndigo at 1:06 PM on September 17, 2010
posted by cyndigo at 1:06 PM on September 17, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by anniecat at 1:38 PM on September 14, 2010 [17 favorites]