Sexless wife feels fat.
September 14, 2010 10:16 AM Subscribe
Should I be worried if my husband refuses to have sex? Or is it just me?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (33 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Let me get into the detailed background because it is very important to the issue.
I have a disabling injury that occurred shortly after I married my husband. I have moderate to severe back and neck pain 24/7, which causes several issues.
1. I cannot work at all.
2. I cannot keep house the way I once did.
3. I cannot exercise the way I used to.
4. I'm in my 40s and am not happy about it at all.
Because of all of this, I've gained quite a bit of weight and feel disgusting about myself.
Now about the time that I injured myself, we stopped having sex. It's not me, it's him entirely and trust me, our relationship started because of his incredible sex drive. I love sex and quite frankly, I seriously need it. Heaviness, pain, whatever... it won't stop me.
When I say we stopped having sex, I mean we went from 100 mph down to 1 or 2 mph. I think we've had sex maybe three times since the injury nearly two years ago.
He says he's worried about my pain, but I find that doubtful since I've repeatedly told him that this is the one thing that means everything to me and he knows it. I have quite a good sex drive for a woman, and always have.
Also early in our relationship, he made a few not-so-flattering remarks about heavy people, which I quickly put a stop to. I had to fight tooth and nail to keep myself thin (pre-injury) and so that was not going to wash with me. I told him that too, and he did stop. Still though, perhaps he is completely turned off by it, despite my admonishments? When he is asked directly about it, he says it does not matter to him. I find that doubtful.
So you see now I think it's more about me gaining weight and I've felt this for a long time now.
I had a dream just last night. It was this handsome (and young, must add that too) man who said that he loved me no matter how I looked. Naturally at first I didn't believe him, but somehow I came to trust him. Afterward, I was elated and incredibly happy. It was just simply amazing.
I would never, (well I normally say in my wildest dreams, but that's not going to work any more), ever have an affair, but in the dream I did and I did so without guilt. In fact, I did so with relief. I was just so happy that someone actually cared about me.
So now, what do I do? Every single time I bring it up, he manages to sidestep the issue. He tells me everything is fine and he's just worried about my pain. He comforts me, tells me he loves me, showers me with attention and then the whole thing starts all over again. His attention is very affectionate, just not sex.
What do I do? Please don't tell me to see a counselor. I don't have insurance (job loss) and I don't have money (job loss). We missed the enrollment date for his insurance, so I have to wait on that. (Mine stopped earlier this year).
I'm just so upset over all of this. I still have my sense of humor and such, so I'm not dysfunctional, overly depressed or anything. It's just very upsetting and my self-esteem is dropping fast. Couple that with a verbally abusive ex-husband and now I'm feeling everything he said was right about me (e.g., laziness, etc.)
Am I worried about nothing? Do I have a reason to be worried? Is there a way to help myself? What?
Any advice is appreciated.