How do I get to know myself and learn what I really want out of life?
September 10, 2010 6:32 PM Subscribe
How do I get to know myself better so I can decide what I want and set goals?
I'm 28 and I still feel like I don't really know who I am. What's strange to me is I'm a very introspective person so it's not that I haven't spent time thinking about it. I think my schooling and career (or lack thereof) have suffered as a result of not knowing myself. I don't really have any goals in life, and I haven't ever had any major goals. I've sort of just let life "happen" to me, I guess. I've tried living in different cities, I've worked a multitude of wildly different jobs, and I went to three different colleges, and I still don't have any sense of what I'm really about.
A lot of times throughout my 20's I really thought I knew what I wanted and set a goal, like wanting to go to medical school, or wanting to write for a living. Then within a few weeks or months, self-doubt would set in and I either would self-sabotage or abandon projects/goals completely. I just can't commit to anything because I'm never really sure it's what I want, and I'm constantly questioning my aptitude, for example when I thought I wanted to be a musician, I thought:
"Well, I want to play music, and I want to be good, but I was never really musically inclined as a kid. I haven't written a single song 'naturally', I can't really sing, and I'm not sure if I even have anything to say. Besides so if I was truly supposed to do this, I would've done it already."
It's just the same thing every time and I end up getting nowhere with anything. Now I have no discernible skills or hobbies, and I feel like I'm lacking something as a result. What do I do?
I'm 28 and I still feel like I don't really know who I am. What's strange to me is I'm a very introspective person so it's not that I haven't spent time thinking about it. I think my schooling and career (or lack thereof) have suffered as a result of not knowing myself. I don't really have any goals in life, and I haven't ever had any major goals. I've sort of just let life "happen" to me, I guess. I've tried living in different cities, I've worked a multitude of wildly different jobs, and I went to three different colleges, and I still don't have any sense of what I'm really about.
A lot of times throughout my 20's I really thought I knew what I wanted and set a goal, like wanting to go to medical school, or wanting to write for a living. Then within a few weeks or months, self-doubt would set in and I either would self-sabotage or abandon projects/goals completely. I just can't commit to anything because I'm never really sure it's what I want, and I'm constantly questioning my aptitude, for example when I thought I wanted to be a musician, I thought:
"Well, I want to play music, and I want to be good, but I was never really musically inclined as a kid. I haven't written a single song 'naturally', I can't really sing, and I'm not sure if I even have anything to say. Besides so if I was truly supposed to do this, I would've done it already."
It's just the same thing every time and I end up getting nowhere with anything. Now I have no discernible skills or hobbies, and I feel like I'm lacking something as a result. What do I do?
I'll be 34 tomorrow and I still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. I have no degree but I have a reasonably paying job. I have very few friends but those I do have are important to me. And my hobby is playing World of Warcraft. Seriously, I feel like I fail at life more often than not.
I like smokingmonkey's thoughts on the subject to be honest. Find the things you like and do them as hobbies, time sink and jobs. What's that old saying, "do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life"? The problem is most people who seem so focus have either found something they truly loved or have been nudged(forced) into a role and it's all they know. Just live and the rest will fall into place. Life isn't a race or a competition but something to be enjoyed. Try not to stress it. Good luck!
posted by ThomasBrobber at 8:16 PM on September 10, 2010
I like smokingmonkey's thoughts on the subject to be honest. Find the things you like and do them as hobbies, time sink and jobs. What's that old saying, "do something you love and you'll never work a day in your life"? The problem is most people who seem so focus have either found something they truly loved or have been nudged(forced) into a role and it's all they know. Just live and the rest will fall into place. Life isn't a race or a competition but something to be enjoyed. Try not to stress it. Good luck!
posted by ThomasBrobber at 8:16 PM on September 10, 2010
A lot of times throughout my 20's I really thought I knew what I wanted and set a goal, like wanting to go to medical school, or wanting to write for a living. Then within a few weeks or months, self-doubt would set in and I either would self-sabotage or abandon projects/goals completely... and I'm constantly questioning my aptitude
I don't think this has anything to do with not knowing yourself. This sounds to me much more like not liking yourself, or possibly just really lacking confidence. That's a much bigger problem.
I'm not sure what you think knowing yourself consists of. Some people are very goal oriented and other people are not. It's not like the goal-oriented people know themselves better. In fact, a person who is not goal oriented, knows that about themselves and sets up a life that is designed with that in mind may be more "successful" in terms of personal happiness than their driven cohort.
If you're still struggling with what you want to be when you grow up, you could look into aptitude testing that has a career focus. These kinds of tests tend to be fairly reliable although not well matched to contemporary jobs. But honestly, I would work on building confidence and self-regard; those will do more for overall clarity, optimism and follow-through than virtually anything else.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 PM on September 10, 2010
I don't think this has anything to do with not knowing yourself. This sounds to me much more like not liking yourself, or possibly just really lacking confidence. That's a much bigger problem.
I'm not sure what you think knowing yourself consists of. Some people are very goal oriented and other people are not. It's not like the goal-oriented people know themselves better. In fact, a person who is not goal oriented, knows that about themselves and sets up a life that is designed with that in mind may be more "successful" in terms of personal happiness than their driven cohort.
If you're still struggling with what you want to be when you grow up, you could look into aptitude testing that has a career focus. These kinds of tests tend to be fairly reliable although not well matched to contemporary jobs. But honestly, I would work on building confidence and self-regard; those will do more for overall clarity, optimism and follow-through than virtually anything else.
posted by DarlingBri at 8:31 PM on September 10, 2010
Well in a lot of films we're sold the idea that someone has a big dream and sacrifices everything to get there, but most people just live their life and have a few hobbies.
It's romantic to have a big dream, but you really do have to sacrifice a lot and it's hard and lonely. I'm probably making it sound even more romantic by saying that, but there's a lot of value in relaxing and enjoying the moment, enjoying what you've got and not putting pressure on yourself to do something. I've done both at different times, and ones not really better. Eventually it's good to work towards a balance.
It sounds like you feel the lack of having a dream, but where does this come from..yourself or outside?
It makes a big difference if you have a job you're ok with. My job isn't 100% what I'm about, but I'm pretty ok with it and I get things from it. So look into what job suits you and gives you a bit of free time and energy.
I think the advice sounds good to try different things and see what you enjoy...you can go to different evening classes or clubs that just take your fancy for example...maybe one will become a big goal maybe not. I'm the kind of person that does take on big goals, but I've come to find that some things it's ok to be a little bit good at. I know how to play the djembe a little bit and I don't really need to become a master.
posted by Not Supplied at 2:08 AM on September 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's romantic to have a big dream, but you really do have to sacrifice a lot and it's hard and lonely. I'm probably making it sound even more romantic by saying that, but there's a lot of value in relaxing and enjoying the moment, enjoying what you've got and not putting pressure on yourself to do something. I've done both at different times, and ones not really better. Eventually it's good to work towards a balance.
It sounds like you feel the lack of having a dream, but where does this come from..yourself or outside?
It makes a big difference if you have a job you're ok with. My job isn't 100% what I'm about, but I'm pretty ok with it and I get things from it. So look into what job suits you and gives you a bit of free time and energy.
I think the advice sounds good to try different things and see what you enjoy...you can go to different evening classes or clubs that just take your fancy for example...maybe one will become a big goal maybe not. I'm the kind of person that does take on big goals, but I've come to find that some things it's ok to be a little bit good at. I know how to play the djembe a little bit and I don't really need to become a master.
posted by Not Supplied at 2:08 AM on September 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I thought that personality test above was pretty solid...I found it useful to answer as if I was still growing up, not who I've become through job, life etc.
posted by Not Supplied at 2:26 AM on September 11, 2010
posted by Not Supplied at 2:26 AM on September 11, 2010
You may be able to get a free aptitude test and consultation at your local community college. I paid $500 for a two day battery of aptitude testing at the Johnson O'Connor Foundation. A very small part of this was an instrument, called Self Directed Search, by Psychological Assessment Resources, Inc. A couple of months before this, I went to my local community college and they had the exact same test, which they provided for free.
posted by bukvich at 7:01 AM on September 11, 2010
posted by bukvich at 7:01 AM on September 11, 2010
I've just gained a whole lot of spare time, and hadn't much idea of what to do with it. It was looking like there were going to be at least 8 hours a day that I wouldn't have had much of a plan for.
But this evening I went to a party, and it occurred to me that most of the people there knew me at least a little, and might have some ideas. So I asked them what I should do with my new found time. I took notes on what people told me to do and I got the following list:
Bake Bread
Read
Create (clay, knit/sew, work wood)
Sewing
Knitting (especially donation items for NGOs)
Join and actively participate in Reddit
Pushups
Astronomy
Build electric bikes
Build remote controlled stuff
Make woodcuts
Put on make-up
Decopage
Solo Table Tennis
Guns/Gangs
Swinging
Think more about your friends
Fantasize about miscellaneous craziness
Listen to and read everything ever produced by or about Nick Cave
Bicycles
Learn Gimp/Html/How to run a server and make web pages
Read
Design Tatoos
Bricklaying
Tiling
Housepainting
Dogwalking
Some of that stuff may end up being great for me, some of it won't, and some of it I totally fail to comprehend. But that's not really my point.
My need was to get other people who know me to brainstorm some ideas about what I can do to fill my spare time. And I think it may have worked. I certainly got some good leads.
Perhaps the same would work for you?
posted by Ahab at 7:50 AM on September 11, 2010
But this evening I went to a party, and it occurred to me that most of the people there knew me at least a little, and might have some ideas. So I asked them what I should do with my new found time. I took notes on what people told me to do and I got the following list:
Bake Bread
Read
Create (clay, knit/sew, work wood)
Sewing
Knitting (especially donation items for NGOs)
Join and actively participate in Reddit
Pushups
Astronomy
Build electric bikes
Build remote controlled stuff
Make woodcuts
Put on make-up
Decopage
Solo Table Tennis
Guns/Gangs
Swinging
Think more about your friends
Fantasize about miscellaneous craziness
Listen to and read everything ever produced by or about Nick Cave
Bicycles
Learn Gimp/Html/How to run a server and make web pages
Read
Design Tatoos
Bricklaying
Tiling
Housepainting
Dogwalking
Some of that stuff may end up being great for me, some of it won't, and some of it I totally fail to comprehend. But that's not really my point.
My need was to get other people who know me to brainstorm some ideas about what I can do to fill my spare time. And I think it may have worked. I certainly got some good leads.
Perhaps the same would work for you?
posted by Ahab at 7:50 AM on September 11, 2010
I've been here (and parts of me are still here) too. I combed Metafilter for anything related to being 20-something, quarter-life crises, and career satisfaction. I took the aptitude tests, and did the brainstorming. I got lucky when I was browsing a college course catalogue and found the program that would change my life, but everyone's going to have a different path.
In contrast to smokingmonkey's advice, try doing things you don't want to do, or never imagined yourself doing. Take a jive class, go skydiving, join a drumming circle. I remember when I was going through my rough patch, I felt like I wanted someone to shake me, something to wake me up. Making yourself do something scary might help you see that trying the things you do want to do might not be so bad.
And this only worked for me in retrospect, but think about what you really liked doing when you were a kid, or what your favourite part of school was. Was it playing with Lego? Was it exploring parks and ravines? Was it making posters for your school projects? My favourite childhood activities have a lot in common with the things I enjoy about my current job!
posted by Rora at 12:53 PM on September 11, 2010
In contrast to smokingmonkey's advice, try doing things you don't want to do, or never imagined yourself doing. Take a jive class, go skydiving, join a drumming circle. I remember when I was going through my rough patch, I felt like I wanted someone to shake me, something to wake me up. Making yourself do something scary might help you see that trying the things you do want to do might not be so bad.
And this only worked for me in retrospect, but think about what you really liked doing when you were a kid, or what your favourite part of school was. Was it playing with Lego? Was it exploring parks and ravines? Was it making posters for your school projects? My favourite childhood activities have a lot in common with the things I enjoy about my current job!
posted by Rora at 12:53 PM on September 11, 2010
Response by poster: So I took that test, which tells me I'm an INFP, which I already knew. The description is interesting because it says lack of self-knowledge or identity can be a problem for INFPs...but it offers no solutions.
Also, Rora, thanks for your response. I've tried to think back to what I liked doing as a kid but I don't remember most of my childhood. I think I was a pretty quiet kid and liked daydreaming a lot. That's all I can think of.
Thanks everyone for trying, maybe I'll find something eventually...
posted by allseeingabstract at 2:36 PM on September 11, 2010
Also, Rora, thanks for your response. I've tried to think back to what I liked doing as a kid but I don't remember most of my childhood. I think I was a pretty quiet kid and liked daydreaming a lot. That's all I can think of.
Thanks everyone for trying, maybe I'll find something eventually...
posted by allseeingabstract at 2:36 PM on September 11, 2010
The director of my senior-year production for drama school had a profound effect on my world view. She pointed out that these days, now that we're all living until the age of 80 or so, we are actually living long enough to outlive many of our dreams.
We are fluid people. Our goals can change. And, she said, that's okay.
Instead, she advocated living your life by a method rather than towards a goal (actually, the way she phrased it was "have a spine for your life"); rather than choosing a goal and saying "Ah! I shall devote my life to achieving THIS!" she advocated living by a method. What she meant by "live by a method" was, resolving that "whatever I decide to do in my life, I'm going to try to do my best" or "I'm going to do it i na way that feels true to my own self" or whatever.
That way, she argued, you can have as many or as few goals as you like, and it's possible to not achieve them but still remain true to your method, and still be successful that way.
This had a profound affect on me. It's coming in especially handy now, now that I'm going through what's effectively a mid-life crisis and am really considering changing what has been my career for years now; the reason I'm doing it is because it no longer feels that pursuing that goal will let me stay true to who I want to be, and that's the method I chose. So since I'm getting out at a point when I can still stay true to myself, I'm still successful even though my career didn't really get to any sort of "pinnacle of achievement" kind of thing.
Try that. Try figuring out what that method you want to live by is, and then...whatever goals you choose to do with your time, whether they're things like "scale Everest" or they're things like "always be able to guage exactly how much butter to get on my toast on the first swipe", then...that's still success.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:57 PM on September 11, 2010 [11 favorites]
We are fluid people. Our goals can change. And, she said, that's okay.
Instead, she advocated living your life by a method rather than towards a goal (actually, the way she phrased it was "have a spine for your life"); rather than choosing a goal and saying "Ah! I shall devote my life to achieving THIS!" she advocated living by a method. What she meant by "live by a method" was, resolving that "whatever I decide to do in my life, I'm going to try to do my best" or "I'm going to do it i na way that feels true to my own self" or whatever.
That way, she argued, you can have as many or as few goals as you like, and it's possible to not achieve them but still remain true to your method, and still be successful that way.
This had a profound affect on me. It's coming in especially handy now, now that I'm going through what's effectively a mid-life crisis and am really considering changing what has been my career for years now; the reason I'm doing it is because it no longer feels that pursuing that goal will let me stay true to who I want to be, and that's the method I chose. So since I'm getting out at a point when I can still stay true to myself, I'm still successful even though my career didn't really get to any sort of "pinnacle of achievement" kind of thing.
Try that. Try figuring out what that method you want to live by is, and then...whatever goals you choose to do with your time, whether they're things like "scale Everest" or they're things like "always be able to guage exactly how much butter to get on my toast on the first swipe", then...that's still success.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 2:57 PM on September 11, 2010 [11 favorites]
Besides so if I was truly supposed to do this...
Well there's your problem right there. There is no "supposed to". There is no greater plan waiting in the wings to swoop in and make you feel perfectly in tune with the universe.
Hang out. Enjoy yourself. Do what you feel like. Change what you feel like every three months and going do something else.
In the end you'll be just as dead as everyone else, and you'll have had a much better time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:35 PM on September 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
Well there's your problem right there. There is no "supposed to". There is no greater plan waiting in the wings to swoop in and make you feel perfectly in tune with the universe.
Hang out. Enjoy yourself. Do what you feel like. Change what you feel like every three months and going do something else.
In the end you'll be just as dead as everyone else, and you'll have had a much better time.
posted by Tell Me No Lies at 3:35 PM on September 11, 2010 [4 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Stop. Stop planning. Stop setting goals. Stop expecting so much from life and from yourself. Stop thinking about it. Stop, stay where you are, and do things that make you smile. In general, stop trying to do things that you should do, and start doing things that you want to do. Start simple. Like running? Go for a run. Like something else? Do that. Want to go out with friends? Do it. Don't feel like it tonight? Don't do it. You get the idea. Stop trying to think your way out of this. Just live your life and live it however you please. Too much introspection is actually a bad thing in my opinion.
posted by smokingmonkey at 6:42 PM on September 10, 2010 [2 favorites]