Should I get divorced?
September 7, 2010 6:52 PM Subscribe
RelationshipFilter: Kind of at my wits end here, so turning to the collective for some perspective. My wife and I have been together for 10 years, living together for eight and married for six. Now I'm considering a divorce... much more inside.
posted by skaffen42 to Human Relations (50 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Like in so many cases, the problem is money. We started dating while she was in grad school, and like most grad students she had none of it. I paid for everything, but didn't mind. Part of dating a grad student.
Then she finished her studies and started working. At about the same time we moved in together. She paid her share of the rent money, but I still paid for everything else. Groceries, eating out, bills, vacation, etc. I even paid her car payments for a while. She still never had any money, and pleaded poverty when it came to paying for anything.
We got really serious and ended up getting married and buying a condo together. Situation continued, and she still didn't have any money, and did not contribute other than paying her part of the mortgage. By now she was pretty well established in her job and making decent money, and I was beginning to wonder what was going on. We kept separate finances, but it was beginning to be obvious that something was wrong. By my best estimate she should have had about $1800 a month in disposable income, yet I was still paying for everything. And I really do mean everything - even her gym membership.
Then about 4 years ago things started to unravel. I started finding out about credit card debt and personal loans she had taken out. Lots more than she should ever have needed. She claimed that this was all due to student loan debt that she was trying to pay off, and was the reason she was in so much financial trouble. It ends with me bailing her out of her debt, paying some of it from my personal savings and some from out home equity loan.
I breath a sigh of relief and think it is all over. Then it happens again. Yet more maxed out credit cards. This time she says it was debt she hadn't wanted to tell me about earlier. Because she didn't want to upset me. Like an idiot I bail her out again. By now it is clear that the real problem is that she spends money on clothes and random stuff she doesn't need, basically treating shopping as a hobby. She swears she will get her spending under control, and I give her another chance.
This plays out two or three more times, until the beginning of this year where I basicially threaten her with divorce if she ever spends another cent without me agreeing to it first. I set her up with a very limited discretionary budget that she can spend as she wants, and the I control the rest of the money. Most of what is left of her income is now being used to pay off the remaining debt, which should be gone in about 3 years.
So now that everything is under control, why am I thinking of getting the hell out of this marriage? Well, I just realized that I have spent the last decade of my life with somebody who has been blatantly lying to me every day. And that I am now living in a situation where instead of trusting my wife, I am having to check her credit reports to make sure she hasn't been spending behind my back again. If I had trusted her less in the beginning, things would never have gotten this bad, so now I am even pissed off at myself for trusting her. While she is not a bad person, and I think she really has things under control this time, I am just not sure if I can trust her ever again.
So Mefites... give me some perspective here. Am I taking this too seriously? I mean, at least she didn't cheat on me. In the end it is just money, isn't it?