How can I do well at my new, somewhat public, job?
posted by anonymous to Health & Fitness (10 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
The good news is that I recently received a job offer last week, on the way to another job interview. This job gives me a reason to stay where I currently live. I want to be happy about it.
Since early this year, I’ve been hovering right between the precipice of not having a home, and hung on with my wit, stubbornness, and sheer determination to not give up. Yes, I asked people for help. Friends offered to loan me money, and I reached out to family. This took a lot from me. I forced myself to exercise. I forced myself outside and into the world, to events. I found small ways to make money. I signed up for public assistance. Joblessness was not the only hardship I experienced.
It is as though the time spent unemployed and the experiences I’ve had created a situation where I am now utterly spent and have nothing left to give for when something like a job actually materialized. Financially depleted, this job comes at the last moment for me. It feels like someone placing a piece of candy into my hand after I've already gone into a diabetic coma.
The motivation to force myself to exercise is gone. I spend days inside. ("What is wrong with me?" seems too judgmental, but not leaving home for days is typically not how I act.) I have the wherewithal to go to job interviews, to buy food, to pay my bills on time. Then, I retreat back to my home. Last month, I became increasingly worried about myself - it was not like me to isolate myself to this degree - so I finally contacted therapists and chose one with whom to work. The therapy is expensive, this person and I discussed my situation, and they were willing to offer a reduced fee to see me.
I will see the therapist again early this week, although for various reasons I don't think it's the best fit. Since I do not like therapy, I worry I am too quickly dismissing this person, knowing it takes time to build a good therapeutic relationship, so I'm told. But, right now, I cannot afford someone else. I know I need the support, and friends are just not there.
But this depression is aching now, and I tried very hard to keep it away, and keep myself moving. I began eating turkey, little gimmicks like “tryptophan helps with mood", ate canned salmon. I have called and spoken with several therapists and a few psychologists, but ended the conversation when I realize what sliding scale means for them. Referrals from cheaper places where people are training felt uncomfortable to me. The bootstrap "just do it" admonitions no longer work for me. I've been telling myself that for a while now. I've done breathing exercises, but find myself either numb or crying in pain and overwhelm. Loud noises startle me. Car horns, fire truck sirens passing, people yelling, all startle me and leave me feeling angry, irritated, and emotionally burned out. My experiences have been damaging to me. I know the job will not alleviate the underlying emotional distress I'm experiencing, but I know the job will help create the conditions where I can start getting the support and help I need. I know something is wrong, and needs attention.
I just feel like nothing will stick. I feel like I’ve worked, fought, and stayed through this process, and now that something finally happened, I feel like I am no longer here.
I'm afraid of being too depressed to really appreciate this job, and don't even feel capable of being happy about it. I know it's an opportunity, and I know it will help me - the routine, the schedule, the meeting new people. If I allowed myself, I might even be excited. Deep down, I want my fight back. I want to start caring again.
1) How do I do well at a new job when I’m feeling this depressed? The idea feels like having to go from zero to 60, when I can barely muster combustion, if I were an engine. Which I'm not.
2) How do I build and reach out for social support when the idea exhausts me?
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