Wedding ceremonies

March 16, 2005 6:07 PM

WeddingFilter: My wedding ceremony will be secular. A friend will officiate. So we need to plan out the ceremony on our own. What is your advice for planning a meaningful ceremony?

The ceremony will take place in front of 70 or so guests in a large flower garden/courtyard. So the location is fixed. I'm not asking about the reception or other wedding details like saving money on flowers... there are many threads on that already on askmefi. I'm interested in ideas for the ceremony itself that are memorable. I'm not asking for things that randomly happened (like rainbows), but specific ideas that I can plan for. Like asking a friend to sing or perform a song, or readings, etc. (Sorry to be picky!)

posted by about_time to society & culture (21 comments total)

This is just me, and perhaps not the most helpful advice, but it seems to me that in concentrating on the wedding being secular you've turned the focus to what it isn't, rather than what it is.

Perhaps you and your partner should sit down and examine what your specific beliefs are, and then plan the meaningful parts of the ceremony accordingly. If you tell us a bit about what you do believe, it might also make it easier for us to answer with specifics.
posted by Ryvar at 6:15 PM on March 16, 2005

That's good advice, Ryvar. :)
posted by about_time at 6:25 PM on March 16, 2005

We did the same thing - a friend with acting experience (and so comfortable in front of an audience) got McOrdained and did our ceremony. Because our ceremony and reception were in the same room, we didn't feel much pressure to drag out the ceremony any longer than just the things we wanted.

I wrote the ceremony with a greeting, a paragraph on love and marriage (cribbed off the net), a bit where she asked the audience to support us ("we do"), then we each read the vows we wrote ourselves, and then our officiant did an abbreviated "with this ring" bit, smooch, and flee.

Our vows were really the centerpiece. They were not really alike in structure, and read off printouts (I whipped mine out of my sleeve), but we made a bunch of people cry, so I think we did well.

I've been to several other weddings where the ceremony mostly consisted of people talking to each other and the assembled audience, and I have to say I love the personal, intimate feeling that comes when you don't do a lot of book-readin'. The last one I went to, the bride is an outgoing, public-speaking type, and her husband is much more buttoned-down. She extemporized for a few minutes off the cuff, and he whipped out numbered notecards. It was lovely and totally personal - which is really the beauty of doing your own thing.

So feel free to put in exactly what you both love. If you have friends you want to read, have them read. If you don't like being the center of attention, keep it brief and sweet. Use music you love (we used Dead Can Dance and a Nine Inch Nails instrumental, played over the PA, and nobody cared we didn't have a string quartet or whatever) and feel free to buck tradition (I had both my parents walk me down the aisle, which Isn't Done much here in the South).

My only actual useful tip is to block your ceremony so that the entire assembly can see both of you. Weddings where everyone stares at the couple's butts through the whole thing are weird.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:39 PM on March 16, 2005

over at indie bride, on the "kvetch" boards, there are all kinds of awesome ideas for ceremonies and all other things that regular people (not superbrides) have done.
posted by coolsara at 6:51 PM on March 16, 2005

Oh, and I cribbed from this guy's site, which gave me a feel for the kind of flow most ceremonies have. We didn't have any God in ours, but most of the wording was picked and chosen from there.
posted by Lyn Never at 6:51 PM on March 16, 2005

We were married by a friend, too. I don't know your background, but we are both scientists, and our friend wrote an absolutely beautiful ceremony about meanings of marriage in science. To give you an idea here's a couple of paragraphs:

Socially, marriage is a legal and binding contract recognized by all our government institutions that declares two individuals share equal benefits and responsibilities in matters of wealth and health, in life and in death.

Evolutionarily, marriage is the manifestation of a reproductive strategy based on monogamy and the principle of assortative mating. Each partner chooses and competes for the other based on phenotypic criteria assumed representative of a superior genotype. Reproductive fitness is maximized via the optimal transference of ones genetic material to progeny that will themselves continue to propagate and populate the gene pool.

Chemically, the marriage of two people creates a sum greater than its parts. Rather than additive, it is synergistic. Each partner is a positive allosteric modulator of the other, both are at once ligand and receptor and the double bond generated is covalent, permanent, and stabilized with a few disulfide bridges.

It went on... and then got all soppy about despite all the science, love is irrational and magical and stuff. We, and most of the guests, loved it.

Anyways maybe something like that? Pull in the aspects of what the two of you are really about?

Oh, and look into Quaker weddings, I've been to a couple of those, and they were both beautiful and very personal.
posted by gaspode at 7:21 PM on March 16, 2005

I went to one wedding where the bride and groom asked for a moment of silence where we were just supposed to think good thoughts about the new couple. It sounds cheesy, but it was actually nice.

Another couple passed their rings through the audience before the ceremony and asked people to give the rings their own personal, silent blessing. I really liked that.
posted by showmethecalvino at 8:27 PM on March 16, 2005

We started designing the ceremony our of elements that were important to us (we're both artists): unique/theatrical setting, books, and music. We wanted a reverent but secular mood.

That led to us choosing our music (dramatic string piece by the band Tindersticks), excerpted readings for our siblings and the officiant to perform (from The Master and Margarita, The Feast of Love, Still Life with Woodpecker, and Black Elk Speaks). The ceremony was on a stage in a concert hall, so we decorated it with a park bench, a lit lamppost and a giant painted winking moon (created by a sibling). The officiant (bride's father) opened a giant book and blew dust out of it at the start of the proceedings:

"Follow me, reader! Who ever told you there is no such thing in the world as real, true, everlasting love? May the liar have his despicable tongue cut out! Follow me, reader, and only me, and I'll show you that kind of love!"

Bride and groom entered from the wings holding hands and only walked down the aisle at the end of the ceremony. The groom's dad served as ring-bearer. The two moms came to the stage to sign the witness lines of the certificate (which had been mounted inside the great book).

Certainly it was the best wedding I've ever been to.
posted by xo at 9:18 PM on March 16, 2005

When my husband and I get married for real (rather than the government), I want to incorporate some sort of handfasting into the ceremony. Google will give you lots of sites. Ignore (or not) all the Wiccan stuff. The symbolism of two people being literally joined together (with a rope made of ribbons of all sorts of colours) strikes me as, well, nicely symbolic.

On preview: xo, that sounds absolutely awesome.
posted by deborah at 9:21 PM on March 16, 2005

My wife and I had a secular ceremony. We used modified versions of vows we found in a book, lit a "unity candle" (we kept our individual candles lit, which some don't), and had several friends read poems.

We also incorporated a few traditions from our heritages. My wife was brought up Catholic, and has some Irish ancestry. I'm Jewish, but have never been religious. We used a secular version of part of the Christian vows; a friend made a chuppah for us, with the cover embroidered with a Star of David made out of Celtic knotwork; and I stepped on a glass after the ceremony.

Everyone said they loved the ceremony.

Oh, and don't forget picking music. The music you pick for the processional kind of sets the tone for the ceremony, and the music for the recessional should, I think, be just absolutely joyous. My wife and I picked the overture from Handel's "Music for the Royal Fireworks" for the processional, and the "Throne Room/End Title" theme from "Star Wars" (Episode IV, that is) for the recessional.

Yes, "Star Wars." Don't laugh; it worked!
posted by cerebus19 at 9:23 PM on March 16, 2005

Holy shit.

Laser tag.
posted by borkingchikapa at 9:29 PM on March 16, 2005

Oh, and in case my post seemed like all anecdote and no advice, the moral of the story is: Choose a few elements from life that are important to you, and you will create a ceremony both meaningful and interesting.

So, what are you each into? Movies? Books? Nature? Cooking? No matter what the interest, be it birds or color photography, there is a way to invoke it decoratively or symbolically or musically, or to find quotes that use it as a love-metaphor.

A great book to help sort through "what it all means" in terms of writing your own vows and choosing which traditions to use and which to discard is A Walk Down the Aisle by Kate Cohen.
posted by xo at 9:30 PM on March 16, 2005

No wait, this is an awesome idea! You can have like, a bunch of people battling you, and you each have to fight your way to the top, and when you get there, some kind of triumphant music starts playing and BAM you're married.
posted by borkingchikapa at 9:31 PM on March 16, 2005

Banjo and I are walking down the aisle to the string version of All Apologies. For our vows, I think I have to write a sonnet or something with each of us getting 7 lines.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 5:19 AM on March 17, 2005

Whatever you do, think about how long you want the entire ceremony to be. Particularly if guests are standing or there are children.
posted by WestCoaster at 9:25 AM on March 17, 2005

Some friends of mine had a lovely secular service in December. Basically, they just picked things that were more personal to them. The ceremony at a very picturesque country house up where the groom was from (bride from less attractive area), bride arrived in horse drawn carriage because that's what she wanted to do. Ceremony had quartet for music and they had a couple of literary romantic readings (she's a literary academic) plus some poems that were personal to them and their tastes. Registrar to oversee the wedding - no minister required (UK). All went well, very nice, happy day all round. Reception's don't tend to have religious element anyway so pick to taste and expense. I can't remember if they wrote their own vows, think they probably did, certainly some other friends have done the same. Notably what might sound very cheesy outside in normality can sound delightful in a wedding ceremony. For example, the second couple I mention (he American, she from Lesotho) had a line about 'together we can bring down an elephant' which worked very well (wish I could remember more of it). People are much more willing to go 'awww, sweet'.
posted by biffa at 9:59 AM on March 17, 2005

My hubby and I were married by his secular grandfather, and he pulled out his book with the standard wedding services, and showed us which one was his favorite. It was too much like the ones you see on TV, so we tweaked it a bit.

Being Catholic, I had this idea in my head of how a service should go, so we kind of picked and chose and added to what was there. I was incredibly pleased with how it came out, and it really was quite meaningful to me.

1. Entrance
2. Presider says a prayer
3. Short reading from the Bible (by my brother)
4. Presider sermonized briefly on the reading, and on marriage
5. The Vows
6. Recessional

The hubby and I were up all night a few months before the wedding writing our vows, and that process was really good also.
posted by frecklefaerie at 11:09 AM on March 17, 2005

yerfatma and I wrote our own ceremony. OK, so we stole most of it from various sites. The officiant starts off with a paragraph about why it's important for you to be married in front of your friends and family, then he asks for my parents' blessing (mom and dad are both walking me down the aisle). Then officiant goes on to talk about marriage, what it means and why people do it. We have a couple of readings we chose that I have never heard of anyone else using (important to us). No freakin' Corinthians for the yerfatmas! We used untraditional vows, but not unique ones (none of that for richer for poorer business though). The entire ceremony won't be more than 20 minutes because our guests will be sitting in the sun in the Bahamas in May and I'd rather not have ambulances at our wedding.

On preview: you might also find this list of links helpful. Try the ceremonies, vows, and readings sections/tags.
posted by suchatreat at 12:05 PM on March 17, 2005

We pulled a secular ceremony from a website for some tropical island (St. Thomas?) and edited to fit. We wrote our own vows and did not share them until the ceremony. It was very small - outside - very personal. You know you have done well when you hear a collective sniff from the audience when you have that first married kiss.

Afterwards - I took the vows and shrunk them down via word to fit on a business card sized print out (her vows on one side, mine on the other) made two copies and laminated them for our wallets.

Oh - and the most romantic thing in the world is your own wedding. Enjoy it and make it your own. Congrats!
posted by jopreacher at 12:34 PM on March 17, 2005

i officiated at my friend's wedding and beforehand asked the three Rabbis i'm related to for advice. they said:

1) make sure everyone who is speaking has written something down (even if they try to speak from the cuff) and understands that 2 minutes is firm maximum.

2) there are few people who should speak: parents of the bride, parents of the groom, bride, groom, officiant. most everyone else should give a toast at the reception -- friends, uncles, etc.

3) even a secular wedding should connect the couple to the community. a wedding is the couples chance to present their love and commitment publicly -- so the group gathered should be reminded that that is their important job: to witness and to help the couple remembe their vows.

4) try to tell a joke or two. people are nervous and it breaks some tension.

5) go over the ceremony in detail with the bride and groom. surprises are bad.

6) nobody complains if a ceremony is short. if the bride and groom love each other, nothing else really matters

7) that's all i can remember.

and i'd advise having your friend write the ceremony. otherwise it's like you're officiating at your own wedding and i think it might be best to pass that responsibility off.

my personal advice? if you have something you want to do, do it. other people's suggestions will be nice, but not personal. if it doesn't mean something personal to you, it doesn't have a place in your wedding.

most importantly, congratulations! may you both live to play with your great grandchildren.

xz
posted by xz at 4:24 PM on March 17, 2005

Thanks everyone for the all the great advice!!
posted by about_time at 6:13 AM on March 19, 2005