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How to get over this
September 1, 2010 1:15 PM   Subscribe

I feel betrayed by my friend/roommate. How do I get over this?

A couple of months ago I began hanging out with a girl. I really enjoyed her company and was crushing hard. After about a month and a half of hanging she ended up not wanting the same things I wanted so it ended. I would be lying if I said I wasn't bummed about the situation but I got over it.

So I found out this past sunday that my roommate and her have been sleeping together for weeks. I know me and girl never were in a relationship but I can't help to feel betrayed by my roommate. We have been friends for close to two years so I feel let down. I'm not mad about them sleeping together but rather that he was going around my back about such things. Obviously its not my place to tell him he cannot sleep with someone but I don't understand how he thought I wouldn't find out or be upset.

Am I justified in feeling this way or am I being selfish? Should I be able to trust him?
posted by dunderwood to Human Relations (23 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
 
Did your roommate know that you have a crush on the girl?
posted by amro at 1:17 PM on September 1, 2010


I think you are justified in being upset under the whole bros before hoes/chicks before dicks doctrine of friendship. It's never a good feeling when someone you like starts going out with your friend. It is somewhat disrespectful of a friend's feelings to date someone that you know your friend liked. You know that doing this will hurt your friend's feelings. Your friend probably hid it because he didn't want to hurt your feelings, but you are still justified in being hurt by your friend's actions. I personally put my friends before random people I might want to hook up with, but not everyone has the same standards as far as friendship and boundaries.

Bottom line: You can probably trust him generally, and his actions don't necessarily make him a bad person or a bad friend, even. However, you can't trust him not to go after girls you like or used to date. You also are both operating under different understandings of friendship roles.
posted by elpea at 1:19 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


You feel betrayed, but he didn't actually betray you. He didn't talk to you about it because it's probably none of your business. You are hereby allowed to sulk and feel sad privately, but there's no cause for action against the roommate.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 1:21 PM on September 1, 2010 [14 favorites]


Yes my roommate knew that I was stoked about her. He used to make fun of me for talking about her so much. He knows that I don't sleep with people my friends have slept with but I know I can't expect the same from him.
posted by dunderwood at 1:23 PM on September 1, 2010


Am I justified in feeling this way

Your feelings are completely understandable and there is no need to feel guilty about it.

am I being selfish?

Nope.

Should I be able to trust him?

"I'm not mad about them sleeping together but rather that he was going around my back about such things."

Either this was intentional (in which case, you have your answer) or they were trying really hard to not hurt you by telling you (which really was inevitable as the reality stands right now and in this case, you have your answer as well).

It will suck, its ok to feel sad and betrayed. I'd move if I could, if it was really making me bitter.
posted by xm at 1:26 PM on September 1, 2010


Was he sleeping with her at the same time that you were dating her?

Did you and this girl make a clear agreement to be exclusive when you were dating, and if so, did your roommate definitely know about it?

If the answer to either of these questions is "no", I think you're being a little unreasonable.

I think you are justified in being upset under the whole bros before hoes/chicks before dicks doctrine of friendship.

Let's assume, for the sake of argument, that the OP is above this kind of adolescent BS.
posted by ryanshepard at 1:27 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


i think you are justified if you're roommate is also your friend and he knew that you liked her. It sounds like all of the above. Eh, i would trust the guy to do the same thing again but not b/c he's a jerk but b/c he might not know your boundaries. can you say something casual like "dude, really? you're sleeping with the chick that i was dating?" see what he says. go with your gut when he responds with something like "yeah, was she off limits?" or "yo sorry, i didn't know how to tell you" or "yeah, isn't she hot". you can't expect the same from him, unless he knows what ur expectations are. here's ur chance.
posted by UltraD at 1:31 PM on September 1, 2010


ThePinkSuperhero: "You feel betrayed, but he didn't actually betray you. He didn't talk to you about it because it's probably none of your business."

I'm not sure how "the ladies" do it, but if they're legitimately friends, this is basically a violation of the so-called "Bro Code." While it's not strictly verboten for the friend to become romantically involved with the girl, etiquette dictates that he should have at least given him a heads up about it. The really old school (and gentlemanly) way to do it is to ask "permission" from the friend before embarking upon any amorous advances. At the very least, a friend is expected not to sneak around with the object of another friend's desire. This is a pretty hard and fast rule among men of a certain distinction.
posted by dhammond at 1:40 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]


He/they probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe it started out as a one-time/casual thing and then grew to beyond initial expectations. By that point in time, they hadn't told you and telling you then would have looked like they'd been covering it up the whole time.

These things happen, and they're awkward, but there is no betrayal involved.
posted by eas98 at 1:42 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


You say that you're not hurt by them going out, but by the sneaking around. Are you sure that's true? Part of getting over it will be understanding just what bothered you about it in the first place.

If it were me, I'd feel sad because I'd feel like I was somehow incomplete or inadequate because things didn't work out with her, but they seem to work out fine. Plus, you liked her and this adds a note of finality to your breakup.
posted by inturnaround at 1:48 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Different people follow different codes. What matters is that your line of thinking is quite common and reasonable, and his line of thinking is incompatible with yours.

It's up to you whether or not you want to maintain a civil interaction with him as a roommate. If so, it's best that you let him know you weren't happy about this, but do so in a very diplomatic, undramatic way, and of course insist that you want to continue on a friendly basis. Better that than to let things simmer under the surface.

But he can never be a real friend to you (being friendly isn't the same as being friends).
posted by randomstriker at 1:53 PM on September 1, 2010


You know in these situations I feel like the selfishness goes both ways and both parties are wrong and both parties are right.

He really should have considered your feelings and he didn't.

You really don't have the right to be mad about him taking up with her when you two were apparently not going to happen anyway.

I would be hurt. I think it's only natural to be hurt, but you really can't let it show and you have to let it go. It would certainly make me reevaluate my friendship with this individual, but it certainly wouldn't end the friendship. I would perhaps just create a little more distance and be a little more careful about who you introduce to him. Can you trust him? Up until a point and now you know where that line in the sand is.

And hey look on the bright side, you now have the green light to date his exes and hell even his sister, maybe his mom, and he can't say anything. He just inadvertently opened up a whole new dating pool for you. Go forth and enjoy your new freedom.
posted by whoaali at 2:08 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


Think of it this way, he was mindful that he might hurt you so he didn't tell you. If he was not to be trusted, he would have rubbed it in your face.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 2:13 PM on September 1, 2010


He/they probably didn't want to hurt your feelings. Maybe it started out as a one-time/casual thing and then grew to beyond initial expectations. By that point in time, they hadn't told you and telling you then would have looked like they'd been covering it up the whole time.

These things happen, and they're awkward, but there is no betrayal involved.


Gotta disagree here. Its not like his dick made all the decisions and his brain said no and then the dick overrode him.

I've cut one male friend in my entire long life. This exact foul, couple of times over.

In other words, it doesn't matter whether it is "allowed" or not. There's no such thing. You are perfectly allowed to decide to only be friends with people who wouldn't do such a thing to you. He is "allowed" to do what he wants, but you don't have to be friends with him after it.

I've been on the other end of the situation too. My friend was crushing on a woman we met at a bar. I saw her in the interim and got the idea that she might have been interested in me. He called me drunk from the same bar a few months later and when I got there, she was there with friends. She started flirting with me right away and put her hand on my thigh, and later as they left ran her hand on the underside of my arm (she was really drunk).

I was mightily attracted. I did nothing. They live together now and have a good relationship.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:16 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]


um I cut off the male friend. I did not cut him.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:17 PM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]


There are people who value friendships over hook-ups. There are people who value honesty in their friendships even when it means they have to have a difficult conversation. There are people who would be honest enough to have a difficult conversation in order to preserve their friend the humiliation of finding out about something like this through a 3rd party.

You now know your roommate is not one of these people - at least relating to his friendship with you. This is valuable information to have, and you might want to rethink your friendship with him. Judging from my past experience with a similar scenario, I doubt this is the first dick move he's pulled on you (and it probably won't be the last...).
posted by witchstone at 2:52 PM on September 1, 2010


He used to make fun of me for talking about her so much.

If he made fun of you for liking her at the same time that he was, unbeknownst to you, sleeping with her, that's pretty cheap. I don't think you're selfish for being upset about that.
posted by frobozz at 3:16 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


One other thing. If you do decide that you really do not want to hang with this guy anymore, there may be a moment when he tries to make his way back into your good graces. He may tell you that there is some sort of universal standard by which his behavior is ok. Don't buy it. There is no universal standard. There are some that say its ok and some that say it isn't. It is your choice what type of friends you want. Your choice.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:26 PM on September 1, 2010


Being young sucks, doesn't it? There's good advice above, but also this: in five-to-ten years, you'll look back on stuff like this, shake your head at the folly of youth, and it won't bother you at all. Now you know what your friend is like as a friend, and adjust your expectations accordingly.
posted by davejay at 3:47 PM on September 1, 2010


I was your friend once.

The girl was my best female friend for 8 years, and i had a best friend (male) of 12 years or so. We hit college, we're all friends, and he starts crushing on her. They go out for a couple months, and then stop seeing each other. I knew about all of this, and during the following few months, friend would talk crap about the girl, and generally put her down.

About 5 months after their breakup/split, i'm at her house like usual late night, and sleeping in the same bed, (all 3 of us were comfortable sleeping with each other, no action, so this isn't unusual). After not being able to fall asleep for a bit, we start chatting, and she's inching closer, you see where this is going.

We end up sexing, and seeing each other for a while, i dont tell my friend, he finds out, explodes, and i continue seeing the girl for 8 months or so. Rarely talk to the friend, dont talk to the female anymore, there was a fall out unrelated to our relationship, kinda sucks. I dont regret that time with her at all, i thought the friend overreacted, but it is what it is.
posted by soss at 4:08 PM on September 1, 2010


I'm not sure how "the ladies" do it, but if they're legitimately friends, this is basically a violation of the so-called "Bro Code." While it's not strictly verboten for the friend to become romantically involved with the girl, etiquette dictates that he should have at least given him a heads up about it.

I'm not going to sit here and try and pretend there is no Bro Code, because there is. But what I am going to say is that (for people who acknowledge said code) it can be very different for different people. Some people's Bro Code is something like "Thou shalt not hook up with anyone that a friend has had a recent crush on, without telling the friend about it first". But other people's Bro Code is something closer to "Thou shalt not hook up with anyone that a friend has a crush on, UNLESS the friend has actually tried to have something (sex/relationship/whatever) with the girl and it didn't work out."

My Bro Code would prevent me from making a move on this girl up until the point where she decided she didn't want to be with you. It sounds like his Bro Code is the same as mine. If he had been hooking up with her WHILE you were crushing hard on her, yeah, that's pretty bad. But what he did? It sounds kind of respectful from where I am sitting.
posted by 23skidoo at 5:04 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


I think the "bro code" is ridiculous and you'd do well to not feel "betrayed" about such things. Everyone crushes but it's not always reciprocated. I feel it's silly to say another person is "off-limits" because you had feelings for them once. Does your housemate have to run every one of his crushes by you? Really, it's purile. It's not like you were married and they were having a lurid affair. To me, that's betrayal.

I'd be happy if a cool girl I met ended up clicking with one of my friends because we didn't click... I mean, both people have qualities you like so be glad they're in your life. That's how I try and feel about these things when they come up with me.
posted by glip at 6:14 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


A number of years ago I dated a woman was an assistant DA in NYC, one of the many cool things about her is that she spent a lot of time hanging with NYC detectives and one of the many cool things about this is that she picked up a lot of their language. Direct. Strong. No bullshit. You know what she'd call this guy? She'd call this guy a piece of shit. Because that's what he is.

He's not your friend. At all. And anyone can say anything they want about how it's not fair to feel this or that -- fuck all that. You wanted her. He knew that. She knew that. Neither of them live by any ideals at all. Sorry to say, but facts are facts -- neither of them cared about you.

I've been given chances with women, one in particular stands out as I type this in; her sweetie was away at college, her and I were in that suburb outside Chicago, I'm really hurting after just divorcing, she's talking me through it, we're eating together a lot and drinks are happening and Whoops ! things start sliding. I got out of there, out of respect for him, for her, for myself. I'm not that guy, and I never, ever will be.

Also as noted above, it's not like his dick tied his hands behind his back and he was forced to do this. He did this of his own volition.

He's a piece of shit.

Be smart about it, don't move too fast, do what you need, and don't give a damn about him. Cut him out of your life.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:18 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]


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