How to stop feeling ditched for the party?
September 1, 2010 12:08 PM   Subscribe

Last night I called my boyfriend, completely distraught and partially crying. He said he'd call me back, but he never did. He went to a party instead. I feel completely unimportant to him. Am I being too sensitive?

A little background: He's 30, I'm mid twenties, we've been seeing each other for 11 months, very sporadically for the first 7, more seriously for the past 4. For the past few weeks I've been in another city but I'm returning to our city in a few days. Until this, we typically spent most evenings together, with me sleeping over. We say I love you, but very rarely. This is my second serious relationship. (The first lasted 4+ years and ended in a broken engagement).

He occasionally makes comments alluding to our future together, suggesting that we may be together long term, get married, etc. (I avoid this topic completely.) He's asked if I would consider moving with him temporarily to his hometown. He's said that this is the healthiest relationship he's ever been in. He drunkenly told me once that he would do anything for me and doesn't know what he'd do without me.

These comments make it seem like he takes our relationship seriously, but often I feel like his behavior shows differently.

For example. He said he'd go on a trip with me and my family, planned a couple months in advance. A week or so before the trip, he said he couldn't afford it and had to move that weekend, and he didn't come. However he also went to a show that week which cost more than $300 in tickets (albeit purchased in advance). And he didn't actually have to move that weekend (he ended up dragging it out over the whole month). I didn't feel it was my place to criticize these decisions, but I still felt bad about him not prioritizing the trip we'd planned.

During my 4-week stint here in my own hometown, I'm dealing with a very stressful situation (unrelated to him). I've been trying to be upbeat when talking to him but it's hard because I'm often so frustrated and I really have no one else to talk to about it. Last week he told me that he'd avoided talking to me on the phone at one point because he didn't want to deal with anything negative. He brought it up, I didn't (I really didn't want to know that he'd avoided my call, even though I'd suspected it).

He says he wants to visit me, but when I begged him to come one weekend, he said again that he had to work on the moving (now that the actual deadline was arriving). He ended up doing drugs all weekend and not accomplishing anything. I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it.

Last night, I became extremely upset about the stressful situation here, and called him, basically crying. I've never done this before. I'm not generally an emotionally expressive person. We talked for about 5 minutes, then he told me had to do something, and would call me back. He never did. A couple hours later, I texted him and said "You never called, where are you?" He texted back that he was at a party, sorry. Due to crappy cell reception I didn't even get this text until the next morning, so I never responded and just went to bed.

I haven't talked with him about any of these incidents. I feel like he'll become defensive and it will start a fight. I hate fighting. He's much more aggressive than I am in arguments, and once they start I typically shut down and can't respond at all.

Sometimes I will ask him if he really cares about me and wants to be with me, and he always says "Of course. Why would you even ask?"

I love him very much. I would go anywhere with him and do anything to take care of him. If he called me upset, I would not think about anything else until I was sure he was OK. I believe he loves me too, but I feel like it's impossible for me to tell him what I want without being seen as too demanding. In the past he's complained about me putting "pressure" on him.

I'm always worried about being too high-maintenance. But sometimes I really need maintenance. How can I ask for it? Should I ask for it? Should I tell him how I feel about him not calling me back last night (unloved, unimportant, abandoned)? I'm afraid it will just sound whiny. I feel like I can't remember what it was like to be in a relationship where I felt safe enough to ask for things. I don't know if this is my problem or his or just how we work together, and I don't know how to change it.

There are plenty of other situations in which he's very thoughtful. He cooks for me all the time, makes me coffee every morning, pet sit for me when I went out of town, did fix ups in my apartment while I was gone, etc.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (54 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
He sounds like a perfectly nice guy but it also sounds like he's just not that into you. Or maybe he's not into a serious relationship with you. I mean, you called him crying and he.... went to a party. A party! I don't think you're being too sensitive. I also think it might be time to move on.
posted by kate blank at 12:15 PM on September 1, 2010 [19 favorites]


Sounds like a minor fumble on his part. If this is a big deal for you, break it off now.
posted by 2bucksplus at 12:17 PM on September 1, 2010


Am I being too sensitive?
No.
posted by Gilbert at 12:18 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


He sounds pretty selfish to me. I also think it's kind of a red flag that he's choosing partying and doing drugs over his commitments to you, and it also concerns me that he only "drunkenly" told you how important you are to him. Shouldn't be saying those things sober as well? It sounds like he only wants the good things in a relationship, and isn't so interested in dealing with the not-so-fun stuff.

So: no, you aren't being too sensitive. You are looking for a partner and this guy isn't being one.
posted by something something at 12:21 PM on September 1, 2010 [13 favorites]


I agree with kate blank, except the part about him seeming like a "nice guy." That's incredibly, unacceptably rude to do a friend or a casual acquaintance, let alone a girlfriend.

It's not you, it's really really really him.
posted by drjimmy11 at 12:24 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]


I've been trying to be upbeat when talking to him but it's hard because I'm often so frustrated and I really have no one else to talk to about it. Last week he told me that he'd avoided talking to me on the phone at one point because he didn't want to deal with anything negative.

I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it.

I haven't talked with him about any of these incidents.

In the past he's complained about me putting "pressure" on him.

I'm always worried about being too high-maintenance.


Your boyfriend is taking advantage of what seems to me like self-esteem issues you have. If he's not clued into this after a year, he's not going to change without you changing him because the power dynamic is in his hands. If you can't or won't confront him about this, you should leave.
posted by mkultra at 12:24 PM on September 1, 2010 [11 favorites]


Hi have a look my previous questions threads, and you'll get some good advice. You are dealing with a jerk, just left one who almost got me crazy with his unrealiability and lack of commitment.
posted by zulo at 12:25 PM on September 1, 2010


I think you should go back through your post and read what you wrote about yourself:

Am I being too sensitive?

I didn't feel it was my place to criticize these decisions

I've been trying to be upbeat when talking to him

I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it.

I'm not generally an emotionally expressive person.

I hate fighting.

I love him very much. I would go anywhere with him and do anything to take care of him. If he called me upset, I would not think about anything else until I was sure he was OK.

I feel like it's impossible for me to tell him what I want without being seen as too demanding.

I'm always worried about being too high-maintenance.

I'm afraid it will just sound whiny.

I feel like I can't remember what it was like to be in a relationship where I felt safe enough to ask for things.


Now. Forget about all the other stuff. The not taking care of you when you are hurting, making you feel bad for having emotional needs, the excessive partying, and ask yourself this question:

Do you like who you are with this person? Do you feel good being in a relationship with this person? Do you feel valued and empowered by this person? You know what you need to do - just listen to yourself.
posted by The Light Fantastic at 12:26 PM on September 1, 2010 [21 favorites]


I haven't talked with him about any of these incidents. I feel like he'll become defensive and it will start a fight. I hate fighting. He's much more aggressive than I am in arguments, and once they start I typically shut down and can't respond at all.

I think you should talk to him. Tell him you have things to say and that you need him to listen carefully and that you are not looking for an argument.

'You know how I sometimes ask you if you really care about me and you respond with "why would you even ask?"? Well, I want to talk about why I ask.'

Then tell him what you told us. If he starts an argument, tell him again that you need him to work with you. If he doesn't, you've learned something. Maybe he is just oblivious, maybe he really doesn't want to be bothered. You need to know which it is.
posted by idest at 12:27 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


I imagine you are in a lot of pain, as your need for trust, connection & communication is not being met by his actions.

With men (I know, I am one), actions is what matters. To know what your man is about, put on a pair of (imaginary) earplugs and just watch what he does for a week.

He may have the best of intentions and sharing them with you but then act on what's *really* important to him. And no, it's not personal, your fault, or something you'd even want to change about him.

From your description of events, he says he'd do things that would "make you happy" but then he does something else. It's possible that he feels pressured to say things that are not aligned with who he really is.

The main issue as I see it is him not following on his commitments/promises and not keeping you in the loop.

When you ask "do you want to be with me?" chances are he hears "do you want to continue having sex with me?"

A man being unable to hold the space for his woman's emotions is detrimental to the feminine essence (which is emotional and ever changing by nature).

Unfortunately, a man's character is not something that changes quickly or easily.

Yes, you love him. I invite you to see the possibility that that love of yours will be available to you forever, ever deepening and growing, even with other partners. And the possibility to love *yourself* more, so much that you give yourself a partner who meets your core relationship needs: communication, listening, care, heart-connection, trust (and more).

Good luck to you.
posted by andreinla at 12:30 PM on September 1, 2010 [6 favorites]


This guy sounds like a teenager. He chooses to party rather than face grown-up issues like an upset girlfriend and moving and having important discussions. Do you really want to deal with this long term? If you want to know how to stop feeling ditched for the party, ditch the partier.
posted by katillathehun at 12:30 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


roomthreeseventeen - where are drugs mentioned?

Anonymous, you might just be feeling like you're hyper-sensitive because you miss him and miss your normal surroundings. We've all been there.

I definitely wouldn't let this go without bringing it up to him, though. Use all the "I" statements that we all love so much. "I felt upset when you didn't call me back, I really needed to talk to you," etc.

Keep your antenna up for other rude-esque behavior, but just know you're not being abnormal.
posted by slyboots421 at 12:30 PM on September 1, 2010


Whoops, found the drug part. Sorry.

Changes my opinion a bit - don't like people choosing drugs, alcohol or anything destructive over their relationship with a caring, human person. Definitely keep your radar on.
posted by slyboots421 at 12:31 PM on September 1, 2010


For example. He said he'd go on a trip with me and my family, planned a couple months in advance. A week or so before the trip, he said he couldn't afford it and had to move that weekend, and he didn't come. However he also went to a show that week which cost more than $300 in tickets (albeit purchased in advance).
I don't understand this. He said he'd go on a trip with you, but also bought tickets in advance to something else at the same time? Why did he have those tickets if he was planning to go on the trip? If he cancelled the trip last minute, how could he afford the tickets? (I'm assuming you're talking about a fairly inexpensive trip here.) It sounds like he never intended to go.

Last week he told me that he'd avoided talking to me on the phone at one point because he didn't want to deal with anything negative. He brought it up, I didn't (I really didn't want to know that he'd avoided my call, even though I'd suspected it).
So in the future, if anything difficult happens in either of your lives, what do you think he will do? Why would it be different?

He says he wants to visit me, but when I begged him to come one weekend, he said again that he had to work on the moving (now that the actual deadline was arriving). He ended up doing drugs all weekend and not accomplishing anything. I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it.
He didn't feel that bad, if he continued to prioritize partying over you.

He wants the easy and fun parts of your relationship. You need to, at the very least, bring up that you need things from him, that you are in a relationship when you are upset as well as when you are happy. Maybe he'll clue in, or maybe it's time to find someone who will be there for you.
posted by jeather at 12:32 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


How to stop feeling ditched for the party?
You sound like you need to talk with him about it to get over it.

Am I being too sensitive?
I think that depends. You give us a lot of details but not a lot for what the question was actually about.
If he let you vent for 5 minutes where he was able to analyze that the situation wasn't that serious and that you were OK he was probably thinking that he gave you a shoulder to cry on. Doesn't sound that bad to me.

How can I ask for it?
Just ask without being judgmental, beating around the bush, or being demanding.

Should I ask for it?
If you want it.

Should I tell him how I feel about him not calling me back last night (unloved, unimportant, abandoned)?
I think it's a good idea to let him know how you feel and that it will probably make you feel better. The only way you're going to resolve how he feels about your emotions is to try to just talk bluntly about it.

I think he has more or less let you know how he feels about this too. It seems like he doesn't want a lot of drama or negativity in his life, especially on the phone. Maybe you have a pattern of calling and being a gloomy cloud.

I was going to say that he just doesn't seem that into you but the stuff you write at the bottom make me think it's someone that generally cares about you.
posted by zephyr_words at 12:32 PM on September 1, 2010


We talked for about 5 minutes, then he told me had to do something, and would call me back.

He could have misinterpreted "distraught" for "blowing off steam." But I agree it sounds like he's just not that into you.

Here's your plan. You call him up and say, "I was really upset the other day and I was looking for some encouragement and warm fluffies and a little 'buck up, camper' from you. And when you didn't call back, it was really discouraging for me. Did you realize I was distraught and crying and looking for warmth from you?"

His answer will speak volumes.

"I didn't realize" = possibly a fumble, possibly not paying attention = an avenue for more discussion.

"I did realize, but babe, there was a party." = He's just not that into you.

"I did realize, and I hate when you call me all crying and shit." = DTMFA.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 12:33 PM on September 1, 2010 [23 favorites]


"He says he wants to visit me, but when I begged him to come one weekend, he said again that he had to work on the moving (now that the actual deadline was arriving). He ended up doing drugs all weekend and not accomplishing anything. I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it."
First, you can ask for things, but you can't demand them, and when people say 'no' you have to accept that answer. That is, as long as you're protecting yourself and your boundaries. In this relationship, you are not doing that. But still, ask for what you want - when someone says no, accept it and understand that they are not who you imagine them to be.

"I would go anywhere with him and do anything to take care of him."
This is the evidence that you're not respecting your boundaries. You have a fear of being abandoned, he does not. That's the difference you're seeing. He may have a million other issues, but what matters is making things right with you, for you. Forget him.

"If he called me upset, I would not think about anything else until I was sure he was OK. I believe he loves me too..."
This is not love. This is dependence that you cannot and should not expect from anyone else , even your true love of your whole life. It's time for you to learn the difference between love and dependence, it will be challenging, but you can do it. Take a look at the checklist on boundaries in relationships in this PDF (page 51) - and MeMail me if you want more reading suggestions to get started on this transformation.
posted by jardinier at 12:36 PM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]


It does sound like he's choosing things over you, but it also sounds to me that by attempting to avoid conflict you've managed not to tell him that this bothers you. So, tell him how much it bothers you and see what happens. I don't think it's fair to hold people responsible for doing things that upset you if they don't know they upset you, and he might not (or at least not understand the extent of it). He isn't a mind reader. Maybe he didn't know you were crying; maybe the bad cell reception made it seem like things were okay. In any event if you didn't say "please call me back right away, I'm upset," and in the past he's not called you right away and you've never said anything, how is he supposed to know it was "wrong"?

If you don't feel like you can talk to him about this stuff because he's "aggressive" and also apparently often drunk and on drugs, then, yeah, move on.
posted by dpx.mfx at 12:37 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


He's trying to tell you in lots of ways that he's interested in certain aspects of a romantic relationship but not in others. How long it takes you to receive, internalize, and act on that message is purely up to you.

I'll be you my arm that several other women with the exact same complaints preceded you.
posted by hermitosis at 12:38 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


Sorry, I didn't preview and I missed the line about ditching you and skipping moving to do drugs =\

I think it would be better for you to find someone who is thinks in the same manner as you for what a healthy relationship is.
posted by zephyr_words at 12:38 PM on September 1, 2010


I will BET you my arm.

The right one, even.
posted by hermitosis at 12:38 PM on September 1, 2010


roomthreeseventeen - where are drugs mentioned?


From the post: He says he wants to visit me, but when I begged him to come one weekend, he said again that he had to work on the moving (now that the actual deadline was arriving). He ended up doing drugs all weekend and not accomplishing anything. I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it.
posted by missmagenta at 12:39 PM on September 1, 2010


Well, as someone who demands my relationships provide mutual support, I would find what you describe unacceptable.

Cut dude loose and find someone who is there for you and you can be there for you.

(If you want to test this, cut off bedroom privileges when you get back. My cynical take is that you won't have a boyfriend for too much longer after that.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:39 PM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]


He sounds like a person who wants the nice parts of a relationship without any of the work--if he even realizes that a good relationship takes work in the first place. Yeah, sometimes you don't feel like listening to someone's problems, but you do it anyways because you care for them and they need you.

I would be wary of making a commitment to someone like that until they showed that they could grow up.

Making coffee and cooking shows a little consideration, I guess, but these are minor things compared to the real work of the relationship. If you can't talk to him honestly about it for fear that he'll accuse you of being high-maintenance, brush you off, or whatever else, then that's just a sign of what's in store in the future.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 12:46 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]


No one who "doesn't want to deal with anything negative" (which he's showed through both words and actions) should be hinting about cohabitating with or marrying someone.

"Should I tell him how I feel about him not calling me back last night (unloved, unimportant, abandoned)?"
If you still want to try to salvage the relationship, yes. Tell him exactly that. If he reacts with empathy and apologies, you have a chance; otherwise, I don't think this relationship can go beyond casual.
posted by synchronia at 12:47 PM on September 1, 2010


Expecting your boyfriend to follow through with commitments he's made and be there for you when you're upset instead of avoiding talking to you so he "didn't have to deal with anything negative" is not high maintenance. Get this out of your head. Being in a serious, committed relationship where "I love yous" have been exchanged and future/marriage discussed means that you should be able to vent about a stressful situation with your family and expect him to be there for you, no matter what.

It's hard to tell if his recent actions are because he's a jerk, or because he's basing his behavior on the pattern that has been established by you trying to act upbeat, not put too much pressure on him, not confront him about certain things (blowing you off to do drugs for the weekend), etc. All you can do is try to figure out if its A or B. If it's A, get out. There is no future there, obviously. If it's B, you need to see if you can change the rules that your relationship has been based on. If he cares about you, when you tell him you need more from him emotionally, he will try to do that. If he won't or can't, he is selfish and has been enjoying being in a relationship with a person that goes out of their way to not pressure him, not bother him with their problems, not expect him to honor his commitments, etc. and it's time to move on.
posted by coupdefoudre at 12:47 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]


Line in the sand time. His feelings are one thing, but it sounds like he's not a very strong person.
posted by amtho at 12:49 PM on September 1, 2010


I don't think it's fair to hold people responsible for doing things that upset you if they don't know they upset you, and he might not (or at least not understand the extent of it). He isn't a mind reader.

There are some basic rules here. Flaking out on commitments is bad. You shouldn't need to be told that that's bad. Not calling an upset gf because you don't want to deal with the negativity? Grow the fuck up. Knowing this stuff doesn't make you a mind-reader, it makes you someone who is capable of being in a relationship and thinking about someone other than yourself.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 12:55 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


Hrm. He doesn't sound very nice, really. The one bone I will throw him is that it also doesn't really seem like you ask for what you want. You keep hiding things from him because you don't think he will take them so well. That's an issue in itself.
posted by gaspode at 12:57 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Is he already familiar with your family? A trip with your parents is easy for you, but can be quite stressful for your boyfriend, and I'm not exactly shocked he might blow it off if he has a decent excuse. From the question, he sounds kind of flaky in general, and that you wish he was less flaky, in addition to the other issues you have.
posted by smackfu at 12:59 PM on September 1, 2010


the things you're asking of him are not unreasonable. He, on the other hand, appears to be an overgrown child.

Move on to someone more deserving of the things you have to offer.
posted by DWRoelands at 1:06 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


He talks pretty, he doesn't act so pretty, a.k.a. actions speak louder than words. You're not oversensitive. He's overfullofshit.
posted by ambient2 at 1:13 PM on September 1, 2010 [5 favorites]


a) He's a liar.

b) Anyone who means so little to me that I wouldn't bother to call them back if they called me, distraught and upset, would be a dim acquaintance on the level of "not sure I'd friend them on facebook," not a romantic partner.

c) He's doing drugs.

I'd move on.
posted by randomkeystrike at 1:18 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


Hi.
Every single guy I have dated/been in a relationship with was exactly the same way.

As another commenter said, "He wants the easy and fun parts of your relationship".

I have to agree. A few of the guys I dated that acted like this were immature or just got out of a long term relationship.... they didn't want to deal with the 'serious' parts of the relationship (crying, complaining, family, schedules). The last two told I dated me that straight out.

I think it's very common for men in their 20's and sometimes early 30's to be like this - especially if they're not looking for a serious relationship. Some will say they are and will agree to it - but in reality - they only want to deal with the "fun" stuff.

If you sit down and talk about it with him - it may help... but from my experience, it never really did for more than a month. When I think back on all the time I "wasted" on waiting for them to change, it adds up.

You're going to have to make the decision if you want to be with someone who isn't as into you as they are into themselves.
posted by KogeLiz at 1:18 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


I love him very much. I would go anywhere with him and do anything to take care of him. If he called me upset, I would not think about anything else until I was sure he was OK. I believe he loves me too, but I feel like it's impossible for me to tell him what I want without being seen as too demanding.
Oh, this is not good. He doesn't feel the same way, no matter what his words say. I don't think it's necessary to lambast or chastise either of you, really. At the heart of the matter, you don't feel the same towards each other. After all, he left you in tears and forgot about you, and you "would not think about anything else" were the situation reversed.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:19 PM on September 1, 2010


I should mention that I'm in a real adult relationship now. Makes me wonder how I put up with my exes!
posted by KogeLiz at 1:20 PM on September 1, 2010


You have every right to ask your SO for emotional support. This is not a 'high-maintenance' request. It is simply a request for the type of maintenance that every healthy relationship requires. There is absolutely no reason to feel guilty about it.

You need to communicate to him, clearly and unambiguously, what you need and expect from a partner. This is a totally reasonable thing to do, and it really shouldn't cause an argument (though if you're especially worried, you could try writing him a letter).

If he seems unwilling to meet your needs (by claiming you're "pressuring" him, becoming argumentative, or whatever else), or consistently fails to meet them in the future, then it might be time to reflect upon the long-term viability of this relationship.
posted by camneely at 1:20 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


I disagree with jardinier's assertions that you are somehow being overly dependent on him. You're not expecting that much. Wanting your partner to follow through on promises and be there for you when you are upset is important, and is not a sign of overdependence. You are not being overly sensitive. In fact, he sounds like a flake and kind of uncaring. You should probably cut him loose and look for someone who expects the same things out of a relationship as you do.
posted by elpea at 1:25 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Agree with jeather. This guy is not in it for the long haul. He's just in it for the parts of the relationship that are easy, fun, and suit what he wants.
posted by adamrice at 1:39 PM on September 1, 2010


As the saying goes: actions speak louder than words:

He says he feels one way, yet his actions show you something different.

Dump him, he's not giving you what you need/want.
posted by deborah at 1:39 PM on September 1, 2010


I suspect "this is the healthiest relationship he's ever been in" because you're a responsible adult and not some slacker party dude like him. He might grow up into a decent partner one day, but I wouldn't bet on it. Get rid of him.

You also need to work on expressing your needs and concerns in relationships - maybe not this one, but in future relationships. You need to learn to be comfortable with asking for things. It's okay and normal to occasionally be upset with someone you love, or to need something from them that they're not providing. This will take time and effort, but it will make your future relationships much better.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:45 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


He's a flake. It's worked for him this far.

Possibly he grew up never having had to work very hard for anything. Possibly he grew up thinking the good things in his life was due to his special snowflakeness, instead of sheer dumb luck and the kindness of others. It's not necessary disregard or disrespect for you. It doesn't mean he's a bad person. He just hasn't had to learn.

Why would he change? He will change when it no longer works for him.

He's not trying very hard in this relationship, and you're pouring your heart and soul into it. Why wouldn't he enjoy it while it lasts?

Some things you can learn from this:
- How to spot flakes in the future and steer clear of them.
- How to communicate and negotiate and handle conflict in an intimate relationship.
- A better understanding of who you are and what you want from life.
- How to set boundaries and accept consequences.

General advice for young women in love:
- Don't worry so much about how much he likes you, and what it says about you. The more important question is -- what do you think/feel about *him*? (I heard this at age 28 or so and it changed my perspective)
- "Wherever you go, there you are" -- I used to say this with the emphasis on "there". Now, I say it with the emphasis on "you." If there's a pattern in your relationships, remember that the common factor is *you*. Work on yourself and the rest will follow.
- It's very easy to wallow in righteous indignation, of the "I can't believe he had the nerve to .... " sort. It's very easy to find people to help you wallow. It's an obligatory scene in every chick flick. Don't fall into that trap.

You sound like a self-aware, responsible, generous young woman. You have a bright future ahead of you. Enjoy!
posted by metaseeker at 1:46 PM on September 1, 2010 [3 favorites]


the issues are worth bringing up. if you don't want to sound whiney...say it in a matter of fact way..as if you were describing a PB&J sandwich. Well this is a sandwich:Well listen honey, i want to talk about our relationship. First there's jelly on this side: First off I love and care about you. I want our relationship to grow and be on good footing. you get the picture.

If you are 'demanding', don't see it as a dirty word & make peace with it. get ok with wanting, needing, deserving & asking for the things that you want. if you dont' want to be high maintenance but need a 'tune up' say that to him. he might be looking for ways to give to you but need a little direction. or he's not the one for you...depends on his answer.

tell him what's ok & not ok. ok: something you didn't like but can stand. not ok:not making you a priority in a time of need.

be able to hear what he says, even if it's not something you like but go with your gut & respond: him:eh, i didn't want to go with your family on a trip b/c i thought i'd have more fun at a concert. you: that's disappointing but next time be more upfront.

do this if you're going to stay with him or not. it'll either be good foundation for this relationship or good practice for you next one.
posted by UltraD at 1:48 PM on September 1, 2010


He ended up doing drugs all weekend and not accomplishing anything.

Regardless of your opinion on the legal and moral issues surrounding recreational drug use, it sounds like his has gone beyond the pale of acceptable and moved into the territory of very negatively affecting his life.

That alone would make me seriously reconsider the relationship as it stands. Add his apparent lack of regard for your feelings and his flaky behavior... is this really who you want to be with?
posted by charmcityblues at 1:48 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


Adding to the chorus of DTMFA
posted by Jon_Evil at 1:51 PM on September 1, 2010 [1 favorite]


I bet this is the healthiest relationship he's ever been in because his past relationships were full of "drama," ie, girls who (rightfully) bitched and complained when he pulled this kind of immature crap. But since you don't say anything, don't tell him when he does things that make you upset, hide how you feel to avoid arguments, and don't call him out on his bad decisions, this relationship is smooth sailing! Finally, he can be in a relationship on his terms and his terms only.
posted by thebazilist at 2:01 PM on September 1, 2010 [8 favorites]


He says he wants to visit me, but when I begged him to come one weekend, he said again that he had to work on the moving (now that the actual deadline was arriving). He ended up doing drugs all weekend and not accomplishing anything.

Read this.

Read it again.

What would you say if a girlfriend came to you with this situation?

I didn't say anything about this because I knew he already felt bad about it.

And you know this, how?

I'm always worried about being too high-maintenance. But sometimes I really need maintenance. How can I ask for it? Should I ask for it?

There are plenty of GUYS who are high-maintenance. The term "high maintenance" is generally dude shorthand for "a woman who actually expects me to behave like someone in a mature relationship, how dare she!" (I know there are immature women who act like fools but they are immature women who act like fools. Describe them as such.)

You are entitled to get what you want in a relationship. You are entitled to ask for what you want in a relationship. I can ask to be picked up at the train because I have a headache, I can say I'm not cooking because I can deal with it, we're going out to dinner; I can ask for more sex or more hugs or more space. You can ask for anything that you want. If someone doesn't want to give you those things, you can talk about it, and maybe you reach a compromise or maybe you realize from their reaction to your requests that this isn't the right person for you.

That's just it - you find out that this person isn't the right person for you. Everyone is so afraid to find that out. I know I was. I got better at it. It was when I stopped worrying about it and just did the hard work to talk about everything that I finally ended up in a good relationship. It was mostly because I was so tired of worrying and guessing and OMG am I high maintenance. It was also because one of my best friends was explaining how she'd stopped seeing a guy because she needed a lot of attention that he wasn't that kind of guy. She did it in such a matter of fact manner that I just sat there and thought, whoah. So that's how it works.

That is how it works.

This guy is unbelievably immature. He is not ready to commit to a relationship. I would suggest that he doesn't have any idea about how to be a mature adult in a mature relationship. You want what you want. He doesn't want the same things. You should talk to him about it. But I would say that the examples you gave here are inexcusible. Blowing off a trip with your family and then blowing off a promise to you to stay home and do drugs? I'm just going to assume that 'do drugs' means 'smoke pot' but even then - to me, him choosing that over you means he has MADE his choice, and you are not important to him.
posted by micawber at 2:44 PM on September 1, 2010 [4 favorites]


He's a fair-weather boyfriend. He wants to be with you when it suits him, but he doesn't want to be with you when it requires stress or effort. There's nothing even slightly good about continuing this relationship. In fact, it sounds like dumping him will just require you moving on without a word, and he'll never notice. Better now than later, especially considering that what you're describing as your "maintenance" is just normal low-maintenance stuff (wanting someone to talk to when you're sad isn't high maintenance, and blowing that off for a party is way over the line of reasonable.) It just so happens that he wants something SUPER-low maintenance. He wants a girl that he can use and discard at will, like a video game or drugs or a party.
posted by davejay at 3:45 PM on September 1, 2010


i hated every second of reading this question and all the comments, and i rarely comment on askme, but had to log in to address you because it hit so close to home. basically, you're me about 2 years ago. everything everyone is saying is pretty much right. oh and when i say me two years ago, that is, here i am still in this ridiculously unbalanced relationship and afraid to end it for a wide variety of reasons. (one being logistical, we live together and it makes it much more complicated.) i wished i had the balls to end it back when i first felt the way you did. the only thing i can say for certain is that my standards for my next relationship are going to be much, much higher.

the longer you continue in this pattern, the less likely that things will ever get resolved. for me it started out as a casual relationship, so when i got annoyed about stuff, rather than make a big deal about it i'd just let it go. (because i just thought it was so unlikely that our relationship would progress beyond casual, and i was ok with that.) but somehow it did become more serious. like other people have pointed out, maybe because it was such smooth sailing (ie me not calling out bullshit) he thought i was the best girlfriend ever and for a while he seemed really into it. in love, all that. but of course, to me that meant, he loves me so that means he can now handle all my emotions and the work that comes along with it. uh, well, it didn't really happen that way. i'm like you. i got to the point where i don't bring things up because i already know how he will react (poorly.)*

so basically for me i am stuck in this terrible place where i know i need to do better but i'm so entangled in the mess that i know i won't be able to get out without it being a huge ordeal. the least of which is me being heartbroken, although i guess you could argue that its even more heartbreaking to be in a relationship where you love someone and don't really think they love you back. or they do sort of love you, in their own way, and you're torn between deciding if that's enough for you or if you need more, and need it enough to break up them.

don't be me. or at the very least, if you can't find the strength to cut it off just yet, do NOT move in together. if i didn't live with him i would have pulled the plug long ago. and be careful with the drug thing. you weren't specific, so maybe i'm wrong, but- stay with him long enough and you'll get into that stuff too. then when you break up, you'll be heartbroken AND possibly addicted to a drug/ drugs.

feel free to send me a message if you want to hear more gory details of my sitauation. good luck. as hard as it is, and as much as it sucks, you should probably listen to the advice on here.

*for those of you saying, how can he know what she wants if she doesn't address it/ ask for it? based on my experience i'd guess that she tried that approach repeatedly and it doesn't work. of course, the problem is that once she realized THAT, it should have been dtmfa. but sometimes it's not that easy . . .
posted by lblair at 4:07 PM on September 1, 2010 [2 favorites]


I have to agree with the consensus here: he is more interested in playing house than actually working on sustaining an adult relationship. What you have with him has lasted as long as it has so far only because you have been very understanding and put very few demands on him, even smothering your own doubts and concerns to make things run yet more smoothly.

You are not having your needs met, and you are not going to be fulfilled in this relationship unless you make your needs clear to him. I think, though, that once you do, he will not be up to meeting them. Just because he is older than you does not make him a grown-up.

Find an adult who will commit to a real relationship with you, not just stick around when things are going well for him and then bail when times get tough.
posted by misha at 4:17 PM on September 1, 2010


Dear OP and lblair,

2 years ago I was both of you, living with someone who did not give me what I needed and was disinterested in my needs. I provided him all I could over 3 years and also felt trapped by my care for him and his professed care for me. Eventually I left him, unable to align the feelings of love with what we had.

One week later, my best friend of 3 years whom I'd always looked up to as the "perfect man", professed his love for me, that he'd waited for me to be single, that he'd been adoring me from afar for 2 years. I was delighted. He adores me without smothering me, and has so much care, respect and true thoughtfulness for me that I am left with a daily smile of wonderment on my face. We are now in the best relationship known to mankind (except for the rest of you in equally bestest relationships, we are on par with you), and moving in together next month. I would never have known how he felt if I hadn't gotten out of that toxicity.

Get out. Life is too short to waste on relationships that don't make you feel like you are the most important person in their life, life is too short to spend time wondering if you are high maintenance, or feel that certain experiences important to you are too trivial to bring up with your partner. You are your level of maintenance, be it high or low, and someone out there is waiting to make you happy and give you just as much love as you have to give.

Get out.
posted by shazzam! at 4:06 AM on September 2, 2010 [1 favorite]


He sounds like (borderline?) substance abuser and you have been enabling him. Stop enabling him and ask for him to behave like a decent, caring, mature bf. Either he'll step up, or he'll move on, once you are no longer enabling. Oh and part of the reponsiblility/maturity should be a reduction in substance abuse. It sounds like its really getting in the way of your relationship, but also, if you had a long term future together - could you leave him alone with a child?
posted by zia at 4:27 AM on September 2, 2010


You're dating a loser.

It sounds to me like he doesn't take any of his commitments seriously. Moving, the trip, your problems and concerns—it sounds like he sees these as inconveniences that interfere with his freedom to get fucked up, go to shows and parties, and have a good time. Sounds like he doesn't deal well at all with the "pressure" of being an adult.

I'm not one to criticize responsible drug use—I firmly believe that marijuana should be decriminalized, for example. But if you're "doing drugs all weekend", at the age of 30, especially when you're supposed to be moving, especially after dicking around for the last month, you're a fuckup. Period. That's the kind of shit people do when they're 18.

I would go anywhere with him and do anything to take care of him.

Sounds like he's got it made. Do you see the disconnect here? You're willing to put it all on the line for him. And however he feels about you, he clearly isn't willing to put much of anything on the line for you. Words, especially drunken ones, are as cheap as the air they're carried on. What have his actions said?

I don't doubt that he loves you, in the sense that he feels strongly about you. But a healthy relationship is about much more than just shared feelings for one another. It requires that both people have maturity, and self-awareness, and responsibility, and the willingness to take each other seriously and make sacrifices for each other. It really doesn't sound like your boyfriend has any of these things.

I think you need to start thinking about moving on.
posted by ixohoxi at 7:20 PM on September 2, 2010 [3 favorites]


It sounds like he doesn't know how to confront/deal with your emotions, so he chickens out, and ends up doing shitty stuff. You deserve someone who can deal with you being a real person. You are not being desperate, or whiny. You totally deserve to have someone who isn't emotionally lazy like this.

Everything you do for him, all the understanding and love and effort - you deserve to get that back from someone, 100%.
posted by Locochona at 2:48 PM on September 6, 2010


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