I dissociate during sex, but I haven't been sexually abused or assaulted. What is my
For as long as I can remember, I have dissociated during sex. (Datapoint: I am a lady who dates ladies. My sex drive is usually pretty low because I'm on SSRIs, but I'd say I want to have sex a couple times a month. At least I start out wanting to.) I might be Into Things for a while, but within a few minutes my mind starts to wander away to pretty much anything
else and the sense of physical pleasure is sort of distant and, I don't know, mechanical? It feels good but it's not something I enjoy, but something I have to endure. My mind is totally not there anymore. Like I'm too conscious of myself to enjoy it. After, I feel a pretty pervasive sense of shame about having had sex at all. This latter fact is true whether I'm flying solo or with my partner, and whether I am giving or receiving in any capacity. If I stay focused on my partner I can keep it together long enough to get her off, but if I manage to have an orgasm before the cold feeling sets in (which doesn't always happen anyway) I am for sure done then. When it happens, my partner usually asks if I want to stop, and we do. (She can tell when it's happening.)
Now, I've been told before that this is usually the response of people who have been sexually traumatized somehow, but I haven't been. At least I don't think so. So stuff like this book
isn't really a huge help. I've tried sort of focusing on my breathing, but that doesn't work either.
What do I do? I want to enjoy sex more and I want to help my partner enjoy it more. (Yes, I am in therapy. Working my way up to talking about this.) Throwaway email: firstname.lastname@example.org