What are the rules on keeping sentimental stuff from previous relationships?

August 29, 2010 5:16 PM

What are the rules on keeping sentimental stuff from previous relationships?

I'm about to do a pretty significant move, so I'm cleaning out the last 10 years of accumulation.. which includes notes, cards, small sentimental gifts (some a little, erm, racy) from a pretty intense previous relationship. The kicker is, I'm moving in with my current SO. On one hand, I don't want to get rid of things from someone who was so important in my life.. on the other hand, I can picture how I'd feel if I found similar things from my SO's old SO and it's.. not good.

How do you balance the desire for keeping sentimental stuff like this with being sensitive to your SO's feelings?

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Try this: "Hey SO, I found a bunch of stuff in my apartment from EX. What do you think I should do with it?"
posted by craven_morhead at 5:20 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

You have a right to your past, and you should keep what you want to keep.
posted by Gin and Comics at 5:21 PM on August 29, 2010 [13 favorites]

I would suggest to rid off of them. I kept for 4 years stuff from my ex husband , and I thought I would never be able to rid off of them, then one day I said to myself, hmm I actually won't be coming back to him, why I should keep him in my life / house still? I trew away letters, cards, gifts and kept just a few most significant pictures in a file called past, in a hard drive which I never use. Done. Since then I feel free, with less useless stuff and it makes me laugh thinking how stupid I carry them for about 10 movings when actually he may not even remeber my name in years!

RID OFF OF THEM! kEEP just stuff of the person who is makeing you happy at PRESENT.

X
posted by zulo at 5:30 PM on August 29, 2010

I can picture how I'd feel if I found similar things from my SO's old SO and it's.. not good.

That's unreasonable.

There are no rules about this. Your past is both yours (meaning that it's no one else's business—not even your SO's), and the past (meaning that it has no bearing on the relationship you're in now). Everyone has a box like this. Including, probably, your SO.

(That assumes that these are just souvenirs that you pull out once or twice a year, to briefly revisit fond memories. If they're, like, frequent fodder for masturbatory fantasies or something, you might have another issue on your hands.)

I did get rid of a lot of stuff from my last ex. But I did it when I was ready to get rid of it.
posted by ixohoxi at 5:31 PM on August 29, 2010 [3 favorites]

My take is, it's just stuff. It seems important because of the emotions you attach to it, but tossing those things doesn't mean you have to throw that part of your life away. As a compromise, maybe you can pick one object to represent the memories of your ex and let the rest go?
posted by Menthol at 5:42 PM on August 29, 2010

I think it's okay to keep this stuff, but I'd put it in a box and store it somewhere out of the way. I assume your SO realizes you had a life before you met them? It's one thing to feel a little twinge of jealousy (I would too, we're only human), but I think most people who are not possessive maniacs understand the need to save things.
posted by cottonswab at 5:46 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree that ultimately, you should keep what you want to keep. On the other hand, though: it's just stuff. You've got your memories; do you really need all the notes and pictures and movie stubs? Keep a picture or two if you want, and get rid of the rest. You'll avoid clutter and misunderstandings.

On preview, what Menthol said.
posted by katopotato at 5:46 PM on August 29, 2010

If it were me, I'd keep a few -- clean ones, ones with some personal meaning, ones that marked big occasions. I wouldn't keep ALL of it, but I'd probably keep a few mementos. You were a person before current S.O. and there's nothing wrong with that, and there's nothing wrong with keeping some pieces of that person you were. Presumably current S.O. knows about that relationship. But I probably wouldn't keep anything raunchy, that feels like too much to me.

If you're an emotional packrat there's always a temptation to keep it ALL, but you're often better off keeping a few important things instead of EVERYTHING ... with the everything, it's too much to look through and enjoy. With a few key things, you get the physical reminders of the memories, and just enough to look at and enjoy the pleasant memories. Not so much it's overwhelming.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:49 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't think I would feel comfortable letting my current SO making that decision. Maybe one option is that you weed it a bit, to keep just the stuff YOU really want, and then have a really well identified box of your past stuff (all of it mixed together, exes and childhood for example). Then you can say to your SO: "hey I've got this box of all my old stuff from childhood and exes and stuff. Where do you think I should put it?" Or something like that so that it's not like a Big Secret, but it is likely to be treated with some privacy and respect, and your SO isn't going to run into it by accident.
posted by kch at 5:50 PM on August 29, 2010

I've kept stuff from past relationships that didn't end badly. There were things that still give me a happy, positive feeling, and I like to keep them in my life. To a large extent, some relationships I've had define periods of my life, and it would be difficult to relate a story about those times without acknowledging that whatever the story is about, it wasn't a solo adventure, and that it remains such a positive thing largely because of the company I was in.

At the same time, if you are going to keep things, don't throw them in your SO's face. If they are private, personal memories, they should remain that way. I haven't deleted photos of trips just because an old girlfriend is in them. I just put those files in a different place so that when my wife and I look through our photos, there's not a file with an ex-girlfriend's name on it. It's not a secret, it's just not something we talk about. The things I've been given from past relationships still have value to me, and as long as I'm not bringing it up to my wife constantly, I don't see any real problem, and neither does she.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:56 PM on August 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

Everyone is right - you're your own person. That said, don't be a dick and keep the "racy" stuff just to prove your dudliness and prove to your girlfriend that YOU ARE YOUR OWN PERSON!!111 I actually think that being a grownup means that you don't need to keep naked pictures of your ex girlfriend once you've moved on to another significant relationship. Note how I said "significant" - I think that cohabiting or getting engaged is that line.

I'm not saying toss out photos - I was the one who said that the woman who had a photo of her ex on a bookcase in her bedroom with other stuff was well within her rights - but I think keeping racy stuff is disrespectful given that you're moving in together.

I have photos of an ex wearing his boxer shorts. Now, it's a gag photo, because there are 16 other people in the photograph (he came home from a concert completely drenched in sweat and my roommate gave him a hard time about sitting on "her" furniture in those clothes, so he stood on the front porch and took all his clothes off, so I could go throw them in the washer) - but I got rid of it because it's my ex in his underwear, and I don't think that any other boyfriend needed to go through my stuff and see that there.
posted by micawber at 6:08 PM on August 29, 2010

If you dumped them, keep it. If they dumped you, get rid of it.
posted by thorny at 6:09 PM on August 29, 2010

I just went through this (I haven't moved in with my new SO, but I did go through a move, and my SO helped me pack, and I ended up confiding in him about the stuff I'd been saving from my most recent previous relationship), and I don't think there are any hard-and-fast rules. Personally, I'm a huge pack rat (like, I save most of my movie ticket stubs), and I don't think it's a big emotional problem, just a clutter problem. I ended up mostly just keeping things that were small and easy to pack away. So, stuffed animals, t-shirts for his favorite sports teams, and large framed pictures of us that I obviously would never hang up again were out; normal-sized photos and birthday cards and little souvenirs were in.
I don't think your current SO really has any say in this, but I do think kch has the right idea - keep it stored with the rest of the junk from your past, so it's your Memory Box, not your Secret Shrine to Ex.
posted by naoko at 6:11 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

You have a right to keep your past and you have a duty to consider the feelings of your partner. No-one can really tell you how the balance on this particular issue weighs in your particular relationship, but it's most likely true that finding the balance is going to require empathy and respect on both your part and on your SO's.

Personally, I throw many things away, or return them, or give them to mutual friends who might enjoy them. The things I keep are in a box (slightly larger than a breadbox) in the storage room and I don't think I've ever opened it. It's not kind to display your mementos of happy times with the still-living person you used to date in the home you share with the person you're making your now-life with.
posted by crush-onastick at 6:40 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

I don't know what's right, but I've never kept things from exes, whether it be actual things or emails and the like. I don't see any point in hanging on to memories of a person I'm not going to be with any more. And I wouldn't like my partner to think I was hanging onto my past either.
posted by foxy at 6:54 PM on August 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

My general rule of thumb is you get to bring a box or so of "old personal crap" into whatever place you are, new relationship or not. This will have stuff from exes but also dumb old photos from high school and postcards you've gotten from relatives. The idea is that the past happened, but it's compartmentalized and everyone from the past is in one place, you don't have some sekrit box that's all about the ex where you hide all the things they gave you, etc. That said, I'm a bit of an open book about this sort of thing and if a current SO had a problem with this, that would not be okay with me, so you'll have to ook at your own situation and see what's appropriate. There are definitely no hard and fast rules.
posted by jessamyn at 7:03 PM on August 29, 2010

There are no rules. It's your life, it's your box, it's your past. Keep what you want to keep, toss what you want to toss. But don't throw anything out until you want to get rid of it. Having a box of personal things from your past is within your rights as a human being.
posted by eleyna at 7:10 PM on August 29, 2010

I have no opinion, but I queried a (female) friend, who said:

"If it's above a threshold of value, I'd keep it. Like if it was precious metals you can melt it down and make it into a different piece. Gold, platinum, silver etc. If you're really rich and someone gives you a yacht, you might not care, but if you're hustling like me and someone gives you a serving bowl, you'll keep it because you don't have money for another one...All that little stuff you were talking about? Get rid of it. I'd be offended if I found sentimental objects from my husband's previous relationship."

So, there's that.
posted by weaponsgradecarp at 7:48 PM on August 29, 2010 [1 favorite]

When I was 20 I had a box of things from a boyfriend I'd had when I was 18. He was my first love and we were still friendly. When I moved in with my new boyfriend he said the stuff made him feel uncomfortable. I thought that was unfair but got rid of the box of mostly pictures, letter and a tape of him telling me a long funny story. I figured the guy and I still talked occasionally so even though I didn't really want to I ditched our relationship relics.

Two years later the guy who was my first love committed suicide. I would really give almost anything to have that box back. The things inside the box were a touchstone, not just of HIM but of who I was at the time, and who I was with him.
posted by Saminal at 10:03 PM on August 29, 2010 [10 favorites]

What about the non-tangible things? Let's say for instance, your ex gave you a deep and profound love of cuteoverload.com. Would you still look at pictures of adorable puppies even after you had broken up? What about any tv shows? records? Any changes in your worldview?

The point is, our experiences are the main driving force in our development as people. Who is to say that you wouldn't be a completely different person without ALL of your exes (not just the one). Because a romantic relationship requires a certain, heightened level of self-honesty, personal development is inevitable.

This means that sometimes, exes (even short-lived ones, so to speak) can influence your behaviour even during a post-that-ex relationship. The ghosts of relationships past still haunt everybody, I'd say.

Your SO's job is to understand that you have a past. Your job is not to make it a problem for your SO.

I would argue that a box of stuff is the least of your worries. I'd keep it in a box, though.
posted by chicago2penn at 11:06 PM on August 29, 2010 [2 favorites]

I would feel weird if a SO had mementos/photos of an ex displayed, but not simply if they had them in a box somewhere. It would also depend what it was. A pic of the two of them on vacation in Hawaii? Yeah that can go in the drawer, but a group photo with a bunch of other friends that she happens to be in, I think that's fine (even though the less mature part of me wouldn't love it). Same goes for items that are not obviously "romantic" in some way, like if a SO's ex gave him a guitar I would never expect him to get rid of it.

If I was actually married to someone, I think I might want the box of pictures and letters gone, but I don't have super strong feelings about that.
posted by whoaali at 12:00 AM on August 30, 2010

1 shoebox is acceptable. More than that and youre just hoarding self-pity.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 5:44 AM on August 30, 2010

I agree with the thought of just keeping a few things. I was with a guy for 11 years and if I were to get rid of every photo I had of him I would only have a photo album full of scenic photos and my pets. My fiance doesn't care. I have shown him a few of those photos. Not because I wanted him to see my ex, but because I wanted to show him some event or place. I also have a diamond ring from the guy that I still wear because it is a nice piece of jewelry. My fiance was married before me. He is a part time photographer. Needless to say there are photos of her on those discs. No biggie.

On a funny side note- one day he was showing me some photos on a few different CDs. One was unmarked. He put it in the computer... oops... turned out it was actually a DVD of their wedding! I thought it was hilarious! He was mortified and threw it straight in the trash. I told him to keep it because he may wish he had it someday. It stayed in the trash.
posted by MayNicholas at 5:45 AM on August 30, 2010

My partner moved in with me about a month ago and while we were going through his stuff at his old place we found some boxes of old mementos. Photos of his ex-girlfriend, notes from his high school sweetheart, silly things like that. He looked at me, seriously looked concerned for a second, until I told him that it was absolutely not a problem if he wanted to keep them. It's his life, his memories, his past relationships. Not only is it none of my business, I'm sentimental, so I'd love the idea of him being able to share his past with, say, our kids, twenty years down the line.

I have all of my father's letters, all of my father's photos of lovers and friends and professors, from before and after he met my mom. He never talked about that time, so I would have been crushed not to find the box he'd kept in the cellar with all his things. I found my grandfather's diary - written in Braunau, Austria in 1918 - where he'd been carted off to a work camp with his family. It's pages and pages and pages of prose about his love for a girl he met there, a girl who wrote her own comments to his entries. It's wonderful and touching and moving, and he kept it, despite the fact that he never married that girl. She wasn't my grandmother, he never even saw her again, and it's one of the most precious things I own.

If they hold any positive meaning to you whatsoever, keep them. Also, I urge you to re-examine your feelings in regards to finding any of your SO's mementos. It's not, really, about you at all.
posted by lydhre at 9:18 AM on August 30, 2010

If it is good memories (past memories) for you, keep it!

I am currently friends with almost every ex ever (some have dropped out of contact - no drama involved), and have boxes/piles/gifts from most of them. Some of these things have moved around the world with me. I have no shame in telling stories about past relationships or even in introducing people from various eras of my life.

Can new partners deal? YES. Should they be able to? YES. These other people were and mostly still are important bits of my life. So is new partner, but he needs to accept that I existed and loved before.

That said, major moves always necessitate pruning, and it may be time to get rid of some of the rattier stuffed animals or random ephemera. (1998 bottle of Mississippi river water? Trashed. 1996 New Years noise-makers? Kept.)
posted by whatzit at 11:02 AM on August 30, 2010