I feel lost and confused in life
August 27, 2010 9:58 PM Subscribe
How do I get it together?
posted by aerosun to Grab Bag (11 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
Let me start off by saying that I have it pretty good in life. I have a job that for the most part I enjoy and I make really good money for someone in their mid 20's.
The downside is that I am not entirely sure with what to do with my life. Recently, I've realized what seem to be my main stressors at the moment, which include an old house that I purchased last year. I'm currently clearing it out in the hopes of selling it so I can start renting again instead of paying a mortgage and living so far from work. I'm fearful though that I won't be able to break even on it by selling it in this market.
I have other issues as well. This past year I've been gradually getting more, shall we say, loose when it comes to the way I am with the women in my life. I didn't do a lot of partying and hooking up in college. In fact, I only had long term relationships while I was in college. Lately, most of the girls are a lot younger than me here, so I end up having physical relationships until I get tired of them. Unfortunately, where I live is almost completely a college town. There are almost 0 girls in my age group here, let alone girls that have to work for a living and aren't caught up in the college lifestyle and attitude.
Let me throw another spice to the mix: I don't like the fact that the money that I make through my job comes from people that don't voluntarily give it (i.e. it is a private company with government entities being the main customers). I'm tried to rationalize it to myself by saying at least I'm not building weapons, but the real nature of how I'm paid is a constant thought in my head. I'm torn because it has been extremely difficult to find a technical job in my field that isn't government funded in this economy. This doesn't make it right in my head, but I keep telling myself that I can learn here and then try to get out on my own by contracting or something. The work is technically challenging and I wouldn't get this experience elsewhere, but not only do I have a moral issue with the money, there is a creeping bureaucracy with the associated management structure that is killing talent, time, and money at an accelerating pace.
I also have been excited a bit recently by wanderlust. Now that I think of it, all the jobs (and even relationships) that I have had for long term ended around the 1.5 year mark (my doing- with the relationships I fell out of love. With the work I simply couldn't stand either pointless, demeaning, or work that I didn't value). I have an itching desire to travel, but sometimes I'm scared that I won't be able to get rid of my house and just tell work to not pay me for a month or so while I disappear and travel.
On a brighter note, I very recently ran into someone here that I think I could really like. I just haven't been able to spend a lot of time with her yet. She did seem to stir a lot of emotions in me though that I haven't been in tune with for a few years (since when I think I was in love last). I'm not sure if things will work out, but because I realized and remembered what things could be, I put an end to a casual relationship that I had been using for physical needs. I feel like I had forgotten what being anxious around a girl was like (as in, I wanted them for something other than sex). I'm hoping that even if things don't work out that I totally stop the casual relationship thing. It ends up with me feeling emotionally vacant.
I apologize for the format and rambling. I don't really have someone to discuss these kinds of things in depth anymore. I moved away from most of my longtime friends in pursuit of work and they either haven'd had time to talk to me or don't desire to any more. That, and my closest friends are workmates right now, and although I can talk to them about some of this, most of them are male, and honestly aren't as good for advice as the female sort when it comes to relationships (at least in my experience).
Any kind of advice you can offer on any of the topics would be appreciated. I am trying to sell all the extra crap I have accumulated over there years in hopes of moving to a rental and away from my house.