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August 26, 2010 5:20 PM Subscribe
Coping strategies for 16 yr. old daughter just cut from soccer squad.
This really sucks, the system that is. Kid is traumatized and by extension the family too. The way it works here is that for the most part junior girls who can't make the varsity are out. No JV , no nothing. She could run cross country but right now that seems like a major come down. So we are looking at a fall with no after school activity. Maybe in a day or two she 'll be able to do some alternative thinking . But it's not happening now. She wants to hang out with the other girls who were cut tonite. Not sure if that's a great idea or not. Help HiveMind Help.
This really sucks, the system that is. Kid is traumatized and by extension the family too. The way it works here is that for the most part junior girls who can't make the varsity are out. No JV , no nothing. She could run cross country but right now that seems like a major come down. So we are looking at a fall with no after school activity. Maybe in a day or two she 'll be able to do some alternative thinking . But it's not happening now. She wants to hang out with the other girls who were cut tonite. Not sure if that's a great idea or not. Help HiveMind Help.
Response by poster: The coach is trying to set up an intramural team on saturdays once a week. They are already calling it the loser team. No way will she do this.
posted by Xurando at 5:25 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by Xurando at 5:25 PM on August 26, 2010
Is she traumatised? Really? It seems a little overdramatic, and while I feel for her, it is a part of life that you're not going to get chosen for everything. 16 seems a little late to be learning this lesson but if she feels that bad, I would definitely let her hang with her friends, especially when they are all in the same boat. Nothing is as bad as it seems when you've got company to share it with. Who knows, maybe they'll come up with their own activity to do together. Chin up, she may find a different way to have fun with her friends and it could open her up to a new avenue or hobby now that she has more time.
posted by Jubey at 5:27 PM on August 26, 2010 [26 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 5:27 PM on August 26, 2010 [26 favorites]
Just read your latest comment. Someone needs to have a word to the coach and tell him to knock that off. No wonder the poor kid feels bad, that's appalling.
posted by Jubey at 5:28 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by Jubey at 5:28 PM on August 26, 2010
Best answer: I got cut from the soccer team my senior year. Over the previous summer, I'd torn my ACL (playing soccer for fun) and hadn't had the surgery yet... so I just couldn't cut it. No harm no foul, right?
Wrong.
I'd played soccer with all the other guys on the team since I was a little kid, and we'd grown past the point of playing on community or social leagues. High School soccer was the only game in town for me (so to speak).
So how'd I get over it?
Time. A gravitation towards other interests, an after school job, bodybuilding (aka 'another sport' - don't knock the cross country possibility), and even some new friends and social circles. I even took an elective course helping out handicapped kids at the school.
I may have lost my soccer friends, but in the long run I grew more as a person. A kid needs to learn how to accept 'failure' or 'rejection' - as that's how they're gonna see not making the team. You can support them, but you can't fix it for them.
Best thing my parents did was just lend an ear.
posted by matty at 5:30 PM on August 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
Wrong.
I'd played soccer with all the other guys on the team since I was a little kid, and we'd grown past the point of playing on community or social leagues. High School soccer was the only game in town for me (so to speak).
So how'd I get over it?
Time. A gravitation towards other interests, an after school job, bodybuilding (aka 'another sport' - don't knock the cross country possibility), and even some new friends and social circles. I even took an elective course helping out handicapped kids at the school.
I may have lost my soccer friends, but in the long run I grew more as a person. A kid needs to learn how to accept 'failure' or 'rejection' - as that's how they're gonna see not making the team. You can support them, but you can't fix it for them.
Best thing my parents did was just lend an ear.
posted by matty at 5:30 PM on August 26, 2010 [6 favorites]
Why wouldn't hanging out with the other cut girls help? I'm reasonably sure that every time there were mass layoffs at my job, all the laid off people pretty much went out for drinks that night. Dissapointment is a part of growing up. I remember being 16 because it was only a decade ago, but she's really got to put her big-girl pants on here, and you as her family have to both support her understandable dissapointment and also reassure her that it's not the end of the world.
posted by kpht at 5:31 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by kpht at 5:31 PM on August 26, 2010
Just read your latest comment. Someone needs to have a word to the coach and tell him to knock that off. No wonder the poor kid feels bad, that's appalling.
I think the kids are calling it the loser team, not the coach.
posted by ripley_ at 5:31 PM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
I think the kids are calling it the loser team, not the coach.
posted by ripley_ at 5:31 PM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
She's going to be hurting no matter what tonight, I don't think it's gonna make it worse if she commiserates with her friends in the same situation. Might actually help in some ways.
Give her some time on the alternative thinking. If soccer/the "loser team" is totally out, and cross country is a "come down," maybe she could try something drastically different--maybe not even a sport done by the high school?-- instead for a change. You know, when she's in a better frame of mind to think about it. But right now she's just gonna have to deal with feeling hurt for awhile.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:33 PM on August 26, 2010
Give her some time on the alternative thinking. If soccer/the "loser team" is totally out, and cross country is a "come down," maybe she could try something drastically different--maybe not even a sport done by the high school?-- instead for a change. You know, when she's in a better frame of mind to think about it. But right now she's just gonna have to deal with feeling hurt for awhile.
posted by jenfullmoon at 5:33 PM on August 26, 2010
Oh and I meant to add... I see nothing wrong hanging out with the other kids that got cut from the team.
posted by matty at 5:34 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by matty at 5:34 PM on August 26, 2010
Seems pretty short sighted of the school to not have a JV squad, that's a great place for players to improve and work their way up to Varsity.
That said, the coach does need to kill off any talk of the loser team stuff (I am assuming the players are calling it that and not the coach). That's not acceptable.
As for your daughter, yes, she's hurt and feels rejected right now. But it isn't the end of the world, there are other activities, there are other leagues, there are other sports. I'm sure none of that is helpful now but they'll still be there when she's ready to try something new.
I'd say let her hang out with her friends, maybe get them engaged in something fun or silly or difficult. Something to get her mind off the rejection and, apparently, some snide comments by the "chosen" ones.
posted by fenriq at 5:35 PM on August 26, 2010
That said, the coach does need to kill off any talk of the loser team stuff (I am assuming the players are calling it that and not the coach). That's not acceptable.
As for your daughter, yes, she's hurt and feels rejected right now. But it isn't the end of the world, there are other activities, there are other leagues, there are other sports. I'm sure none of that is helpful now but they'll still be there when she's ready to try something new.
I'd say let her hang out with her friends, maybe get them engaged in something fun or silly or difficult. Something to get her mind off the rejection and, apparently, some snide comments by the "chosen" ones.
posted by fenriq at 5:35 PM on August 26, 2010
Intead of fueling her feelings ("This really sucks, the system that is."), you could instead make this a teaching moment that you don't get everything you want in life, and that the world doesn't end as a result...
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:41 PM on August 26, 2010 [23 favorites]
posted by NotMyselfRightNow at 5:41 PM on August 26, 2010 [23 favorites]
Paint the positive side - now she has some free time to explore other activities that maybe she didn't have time before. Music, art, photography, programming...
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 5:42 PM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by L'Estrange Fruit at 5:42 PM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
This is a life lesson. And, from a mom who has Been There and Done That (slightly different scenario but close enough) my recommendation is for you to be a listening ear-but let her come up with her own solution.
It is incorrect that she won't have an afterschool activity. I am sure there are tons of different activities out there for her. None of them are soccer, of course, but learning to handle a disappointment and how to make lemonade out of life's unexpected lemons is a life skill that will serve her incredibly well later in life. This is her opportunity to think about trying something completely different.
(And honestly, there's a lot to like about cross country. Two of my children participated in that and if nothing else, it's a lifelong fitness activity that can be enjoyed throughout adulthood. I know tons of people who do marathons and such-and have a total blast- and cross country could certainly be a gateway to that.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:43 PM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
It is incorrect that she won't have an afterschool activity. I am sure there are tons of different activities out there for her. None of them are soccer, of course, but learning to handle a disappointment and how to make lemonade out of life's unexpected lemons is a life skill that will serve her incredibly well later in life. This is her opportunity to think about trying something completely different.
(And honestly, there's a lot to like about cross country. Two of my children participated in that and if nothing else, it's a lifelong fitness activity that can be enjoyed throughout adulthood. I know tons of people who do marathons and such-and have a total blast- and cross country could certainly be a gateway to that.)
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:43 PM on August 26, 2010 [4 favorites]
Use this to encourage her to work harder. Calling the intramurals the "loser team" is the opposite of what she should be doing. Her friends who were also cut should work their asses of, and make their objective to prove to the coach that they should be on the team.
Also, cross country may greatly improve her fitness and endurance, which can only help in soccer.
That is how you get better at sports -- practice, practice and more practice.
When someone tells you that you are cut, you take that to mean you need more practice.
If there is a lesson to be learned here, I think that should be it: when you don't get something you want, you work harder.
posted by TheyCallItPeace at 5:46 PM on August 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
Also, cross country may greatly improve her fitness and endurance, which can only help in soccer.
That is how you get better at sports -- practice, practice and more practice.
When someone tells you that you are cut, you take that to mean you need more practice.
If there is a lesson to be learned here, I think that should be it: when you don't get something you want, you work harder.
posted by TheyCallItPeace at 5:46 PM on August 26, 2010 [10 favorites]
Seems pretty short sighted of the school to not have a JV squad
If this school is being hit with budgetary shortfalls like a lot of schools are, sports might be the first area they trim. It's a tough situation for everyone.
Short-term coping strategies: By all means, let her get together with the other girls and commiserate tonight. Let her be in a funk for whatever period of time is normal for her.
Longer-term strategies: Encourage her to think about what she wanted to get out of the experience of being on the soccer team, and help her realize there are other opportunities to get a similar experience:
If she loved playing soccer, then maybe there is a league or traveling team around that she could join? Or she could defy the false "loser" label by helping to organize the intramural thing and making it the cool place to be on a Saturday.
If she liked being on a team, well, there are lots of opportunities for that in HS, like cross-country or other sports.
If she wanted to represent her school, again - tons of chances to do that, both on and off the pitch/field/course/floor.
If she wanted a reason to hang out with the other kids who share her interests, lots of places to do that, in and out of school - Scouts, church groups, whatever.
And she could always take a cue from Michael Jordan, who famously didn't make the varsity in high school, and went on to do ok for himself.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 5:51 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
If this school is being hit with budgetary shortfalls like a lot of schools are, sports might be the first area they trim. It's a tough situation for everyone.
Short-term coping strategies: By all means, let her get together with the other girls and commiserate tonight. Let her be in a funk for whatever period of time is normal for her.
Longer-term strategies: Encourage her to think about what she wanted to get out of the experience of being on the soccer team, and help her realize there are other opportunities to get a similar experience:
If she loved playing soccer, then maybe there is a league or traveling team around that she could join? Or she could defy the false "loser" label by helping to organize the intramural thing and making it the cool place to be on a Saturday.
If she liked being on a team, well, there are lots of opportunities for that in HS, like cross-country or other sports.
If she wanted to represent her school, again - tons of chances to do that, both on and off the pitch/field/course/floor.
If she wanted a reason to hang out with the other kids who share her interests, lots of places to do that, in and out of school - Scouts, church groups, whatever.
And she could always take a cue from Michael Jordan, who famously didn't make the varsity in high school, and went on to do ok for himself.
posted by SuperSquirrel at 5:51 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Someone needs to have a word with the kid. I agree, this is a teaching moment. Fair or not, we don't always get what we want- in fact, we usually don't get things exactly the way we want them.
I realize she is a 16 year old, but I wish I had had someone come up to me and say "bear this with grace," in a situation like this when I was that age. Yeah, I agree, it's not fair, but I also see this as a great chance to learn from it and to also learn to be proactive. So the intramural team's the loser team. Well, go out and start your own team. Get a list of the girls, email them and set up times to practice on your own.
Not trying to be mean at all, but this question comes off as a little self-important and overly dramatic.
posted by TheBones at 5:52 PM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
I realize she is a 16 year old, but I wish I had had someone come up to me and say "bear this with grace," in a situation like this when I was that age. Yeah, I agree, it's not fair, but I also see this as a great chance to learn from it and to also learn to be proactive. So the intramural team's the loser team. Well, go out and start your own team. Get a list of the girls, email them and set up times to practice on your own.
Not trying to be mean at all, but this question comes off as a little self-important and overly dramatic.
posted by TheBones at 5:52 PM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
This is the perfect time for her to think about exploring other interests. Any other clubs she might be interested in? Any chance she could take the time to think about a career she might be interested in shadowing? If she's interested in medicine or another health care field, this might be the perfect time to spend some time in a doctor's office or the like. Volunteer work? Is there a club she feels that the school is lacking, which she might be interested in starting?
My point is, encourage her to use this as an opportunity to do something new, instead of moping about not being able to do what she wants. My best friend got cut from varsity cheerleading before senior year and ended up being one of the first students to work on an in-school television channel - she discovered a new talent and ended up pursuing broadcast as a career later on. There are tons of opportunities for growth in this situation. Listen to her frustration, but encourage her to turn it into a net positive experience.
posted by honeybee413 at 5:52 PM on August 26, 2010
My point is, encourage her to use this as an opportunity to do something new, instead of moping about not being able to do what she wants. My best friend got cut from varsity cheerleading before senior year and ended up being one of the first students to work on an in-school television channel - she discovered a new talent and ended up pursuing broadcast as a career later on. There are tons of opportunities for growth in this situation. Listen to her frustration, but encourage her to turn it into a net positive experience.
posted by honeybee413 at 5:52 PM on August 26, 2010
I ended up running cross country after attempts at other sports. It's not the most fan friendly sport, and I would guess that a lot of my teammates would have rather excelled at "cooler" sports, but we won a state championship and had the last laugh. Running cross country may give her speed and endurance that would help with next year's tryout.
posted by Frank Grimes at 5:56 PM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Frank Grimes at 5:56 PM on August 26, 2010 [2 favorites]
If she still has friends on the team maybe she could start some kind of club as support.
When I was in High School some of the guys started being "Superfans" at the football games. A year later it was made an official club. These were all guys who didn't make the team but wanted to support their friends and their school. They really went wild, stripping to the waist and painting their bodies (we're talking AZ here), holding huge banners, and making an obscene (but really fun) amount of noise at games. They would also show up at away games so that our team had a cheering section guaranteed to root them on. It was a lot of fun and the team really appreciated it. I actually went to a couple of away games and the Superfans were even more rowdy there, I really think it intimidated a few opposing teams. FWIW the first year of the Superfans was the first year the football team made it to the State Finals in the history of the school.
In my experience Girls Soccer gets mostly ignored by the school, it's pretty much just families at the games and hardly anyone else comes to the away events. If your daughter and her friends could rise above their disappointment not only would they be supporting their friends, the school, and the team but they would be showing the coach that they are really team players. I know it won't make up for actually being on the team, but it would give her something to do after school. If you want to help you could offer your house as the meeting place and provide the materials for banners plus lots of quality munchies (then stay out of the way.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:01 PM on August 26, 2010
When I was in High School some of the guys started being "Superfans" at the football games. A year later it was made an official club. These were all guys who didn't make the team but wanted to support their friends and their school. They really went wild, stripping to the waist and painting their bodies (we're talking AZ here), holding huge banners, and making an obscene (but really fun) amount of noise at games. They would also show up at away games so that our team had a cheering section guaranteed to root them on. It was a lot of fun and the team really appreciated it. I actually went to a couple of away games and the Superfans were even more rowdy there, I really think it intimidated a few opposing teams. FWIW the first year of the Superfans was the first year the football team made it to the State Finals in the history of the school.
In my experience Girls Soccer gets mostly ignored by the school, it's pretty much just families at the games and hardly anyone else comes to the away events. If your daughter and her friends could rise above their disappointment not only would they be supporting their friends, the school, and the team but they would be showing the coach that they are really team players. I know it won't make up for actually being on the team, but it would give her something to do after school. If you want to help you could offer your house as the meeting place and provide the materials for banners plus lots of quality munchies (then stay out of the way.)
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:01 PM on August 26, 2010
Former soccer/baseball/theater mom here; I'm with St. Alia 100%. And I empathize with how your daughter feels right now, but also how you feel. It's hard to see your kid upset.
When she's feeling better, you can have a few conversations. First, talk about being positive and looking for alternatives in life when you don't get the results you hoped for. Sure, she didn't make soccer (or won't get into her stretch college, for example), but that's being handed an opportunity, not the end of something.
It doesn't mean it's soccer or nothing; it means soccer and let's see what else the world has to offer.
Also, have her think about her preparation for soccer tryouts. Was she really at top form? Does she think she honestly did her very best? If yes; then you can have a chat about how sometimes, no matter how hard we work, we don't get the results we hoped for (and refer to the previous paragraphs). And when you're in any type of tryout situation, the reality is that you're not always going to make it.
If she doesn't think she was a peak form for the tryout, then there's a lesson about the correlation between effort and results.
posted by dzaz at 6:02 PM on August 26, 2010
When she's feeling better, you can have a few conversations. First, talk about being positive and looking for alternatives in life when you don't get the results you hoped for. Sure, she didn't make soccer (or won't get into her stretch college, for example), but that's being handed an opportunity, not the end of something.
It doesn't mean it's soccer or nothing; it means soccer and let's see what else the world has to offer.
Also, have her think about her preparation for soccer tryouts. Was she really at top form? Does she think she honestly did her very best? If yes; then you can have a chat about how sometimes, no matter how hard we work, we don't get the results we hoped for (and refer to the previous paragraphs). And when you're in any type of tryout situation, the reality is that you're not always going to make it.
If she doesn't think she was a peak form for the tryout, then there's a lesson about the correlation between effort and results.
posted by dzaz at 6:02 PM on August 26, 2010
Also, I know there are quite a few actors that picked up acting after disappointments in sports. You could look some of them up as an example that life doesn't end when you don't make the team.
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:04 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by TooFewShoes at 6:04 PM on August 26, 2010
Nthing the cross country. Also, maybe she should consider a less conventional sport that isn't offered by the high school (and thus avoids the winner/loser comparison). Like ultimate frisbee or rugby. There may be a club already in the area. But if not, she could start one. At least when I was in high school, ultimate frisbee had a certain "cool" sheen that intramural soccer did not have (not that she shouldn't go that route if she changes her mind). Cool was important to me in high school.
posted by AwkwardPause at 6:11 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by AwkwardPause at 6:11 PM on August 26, 2010
This is a place where I think your values and the family's values are important. Is achievement in a competitive arena and always "making the team" what it takes to be good and succesful? To me, success is figuring out what you want out of life and what you're good at and having the confidence and persistence over time to get into a situation that works for those goals. So, she wants to play soccer? Ah well, looks like if that is an important goal of hers, she might want to practice more and try again next year. Or, is soccer even really what she wanted? If what she wanted was about being friends with those girls, or to have team cameraderie, what are other ways to go about that? I'm not saying you shouldn't validate her disappointment; you should, and you should let her bond with the other disappointed girls. What I'm cautioning against is, you're not the kind of family where there's this sort of "how will you get into college?" and "did you try the exact strategies we told you?" blaming and punishing and being disappointed in her, are you? It seems unlikely. Hopefully the comment about cross-country is not because it's somehow lower status. Anyway, maybe this is a good time to talk with her about why she's so disappointed, what she really wants, how she can get it, and how she thinks she wants to handle other future disappointments. That said, she's sixteen, so she probably just wants to go out with her friends.
posted by salvia at 6:17 PM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 6:17 PM on August 26, 2010 [3 favorites]
It is, of course, a teaching moment. But save that talk for another night; I sure as hell wouldn't want to hear it in the first 48 hours after this happening, and I can guarantee that it would go in one ear and out the other, leaving only a residue of "But you just don't understand!" behind.
Let her hang out with the other kids. Commiserate. Then, in a few days, start brainstorming Other Stuff to Do now that she won't have soccer, whether that's a different sport, or something else entirely. Good luck and give her a hug from the Internet.
posted by rtha at 6:18 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Let her hang out with the other kids. Commiserate. Then, in a few days, start brainstorming Other Stuff to Do now that she won't have soccer, whether that's a different sport, or something else entirely. Good luck and give her a hug from the Internet.
posted by rtha at 6:18 PM on August 26, 2010 [1 favorite]
Let the kid be a kid and wallow in it for a night. And be on her side, firmly, sympathize, don't try to fix it or tell her how to feel or what to do. Ask her, a lot, how she feels about it, how it makes her feel, what she thinks. Listen to everything she says.
I don't think it's an overreaction. She's a kid. These things mean a lot more to kids than they do to adults and it's a typical adult reaction to wave it off, try to pontificate, or to not take them seriously. Take her seriously, ask her what she'd like to do, if she has any other ideas. Maybe in a day or two the alternate team might sound better than not playing at all, but let HER decide that. If she storms around saying 'no way I am on the loser team' and then comes to you in a day or two and tells you that she'd like to do it, respect her decision, don't start "well I thought you said you wanted no part of that!"
See if there is something YOU need to teach instead of letting the moment and the situation and your daughter teach herself. If, in two days' time, she's lying around moaning and hasn't made any moves towards anything else, then you can talk to her about why she's upset (and there may be things around this that you absolutely don't know about) and teach if it's necessary.
posted by micawber at 6:31 PM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
I don't think it's an overreaction. She's a kid. These things mean a lot more to kids than they do to adults and it's a typical adult reaction to wave it off, try to pontificate, or to not take them seriously. Take her seriously, ask her what she'd like to do, if she has any other ideas. Maybe in a day or two the alternate team might sound better than not playing at all, but let HER decide that. If she storms around saying 'no way I am on the loser team' and then comes to you in a day or two and tells you that she'd like to do it, respect her decision, don't start "well I thought you said you wanted no part of that!"
See if there is something YOU need to teach instead of letting the moment and the situation and your daughter teach herself. If, in two days' time, she's lying around moaning and hasn't made any moves towards anything else, then you can talk to her about why she's upset (and there may be things around this that you absolutely don't know about) and teach if it's necessary.
posted by micawber at 6:31 PM on August 26, 2010 [5 favorites]
Definitely spend the next few days just being a listening ear. Respond to how she's feeling- if you try to manage her reaction too much by immediately coming to her with a plan, chance are you'll send her off in the other direction. If you sympathize, listen, and let her work through it herself or with her friends, you'll do more good than if you try to give her a push into any particular direction. I'm not sixteen but it hasn't been long since I was, and after something shitty happens to me I still react like a combative teenager when my mom tries to give me advice when I want comfort.
Give it a few days or a week, let her process it, and when she's gotten over the worst of her emotional response, see if she wants your input.
posted by MadamM at 6:55 PM on August 26, 2010
Give it a few days or a week, let her process it, and when she's gotten over the worst of her emotional response, see if she wants your input.
posted by MadamM at 6:55 PM on August 26, 2010
No other after school activities? Obviously this will depend on where you are located and what her interests are, but there are plenty of after school activities to get involved with that are not a selective varsity soccer team. At this age she should be participating in more than one extracurricular thing, anyway. And is old enough to figure out what the school offers and what she's interested in for herself.
It also seems odd to me that she doesn't have any friends who aren't on this team, and that the idea of not socializing with friends who made the team is even an option. I remember doing theatre at that age and it never would have occurred to me to shun the kids who got parts in the musical when I didn't, when they were my besties the day before. You certainly should not put the idea in her head that she shouldn't be talking to these kids. Being a teenager is full of enough social drama without your mom telling you who you're allowed to talk to about things.
posted by Sara C. at 7:05 PM on August 26, 2010
It also seems odd to me that she doesn't have any friends who aren't on this team, and that the idea of not socializing with friends who made the team is even an option. I remember doing theatre at that age and it never would have occurred to me to shun the kids who got parts in the musical when I didn't, when they were my besties the day before. You certainly should not put the idea in her head that she shouldn't be talking to these kids. Being a teenager is full of enough social drama without your mom telling you who you're allowed to talk to about things.
posted by Sara C. at 7:05 PM on August 26, 2010
If she has access to a local crew club or team, that might interest her. It's the kind of thing where you can start as a novice and gradually improve your skills and race other novice teams, and you can row in either a team or solo setting.
posted by ghostbikes at 8:15 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by ghostbikes at 8:15 PM on August 26, 2010
The coach is trying to set up an intramural team on saturdays once a week. They are already calling it the loser team. No way will she do this.
Yeah, again, some sort of NON-SCHOOL, community-based team in a real, competitive tournament type league. Most communities have a proper soccer league, maybe she could try out for that one? Some are easier to get into than others, but they still play competitive games, have awards, etc.
Isn't it a bit late (or early) for soccer season anyways? Or is this an indoor type soccer thing?
posted by 1000monkeys at 8:18 PM on August 26, 2010
Yeah, again, some sort of NON-SCHOOL, community-based team in a real, competitive tournament type league. Most communities have a proper soccer league, maybe she could try out for that one? Some are easier to get into than others, but they still play competitive games, have awards, etc.
Isn't it a bit late (or early) for soccer season anyways? Or is this an indoor type soccer thing?
posted by 1000monkeys at 8:18 PM on August 26, 2010
Let her hang out with her other friends who were cut tonight- they'll probably all feel better spending time/commiserating with others in the same boat.
It's not all that unusual for this sort of thing to happen- often coaches will cut decent-but-not-stellar juniors to focus energy on the talented freshmen and sophomores in the pipeline. And yeah, it sucks, but in the long run, it's probably better than spending the entire season sitting on the bench. I wouldn't push her to join the weekend or club team (and if you're in the US, high school is pretty much it for fall soccer. town/non-school leagues are for younger kids or in the spring as many high schools don't allow players to be on two teams at the same time) or corss-country, unless she genuinely likes running and wants to do that.
I think a simple "I know how much soccer means to you and I'm sorry this happened." is best. Be supportive, but let her figure out her own way to deal with this. I played 3 sports during high school and when I finally had a season off my senior year (injury plus basically sucking at basketball), it turned out to be a nice change for me- I had some time to relax and do other things after school (going to clubs, babysitting to earn money, hanging out with my friends, volunteering), rather than being committed to sports practice 5 days a week.
posted by emd3737 at 9:42 PM on August 26, 2010
It's not all that unusual for this sort of thing to happen- often coaches will cut decent-but-not-stellar juniors to focus energy on the talented freshmen and sophomores in the pipeline. And yeah, it sucks, but in the long run, it's probably better than spending the entire season sitting on the bench. I wouldn't push her to join the weekend or club team (and if you're in the US, high school is pretty much it for fall soccer. town/non-school leagues are for younger kids or in the spring as many high schools don't allow players to be on two teams at the same time) or corss-country, unless she genuinely likes running and wants to do that.
I think a simple "I know how much soccer means to you and I'm sorry this happened." is best. Be supportive, but let her figure out her own way to deal with this. I played 3 sports during high school and when I finally had a season off my senior year (injury plus basically sucking at basketball), it turned out to be a nice change for me- I had some time to relax and do other things after school (going to clubs, babysitting to earn money, hanging out with my friends, volunteering), rather than being committed to sports practice 5 days a week.
posted by emd3737 at 9:42 PM on August 26, 2010
I was cut from high school softball team and I was CRUSHED. So I know what this is like. eventually I did find a teen softball league sponsored by city and that was fun (although still not as good as playing on hs team) maybe you can see if there are some club or league soccer teams for her.
posted by bananafish at 10:42 PM on August 26, 2010
posted by bananafish at 10:42 PM on August 26, 2010
This really sucks, the system that is. Kid is traumatized and by extension the family too.
I think there are bigger problems with this right there. You need to set an example, and saying it's "the system" or that this is somehow not "fair" is not a good way to teach a kid to deal with disappointment. It's a bummer, sure, but- unless kids who aren't as good at soccer as your daughter made the cut due to nepotism or the like- it was fair. You don't get everything you want, and this is a way for your daughter to learn that even when plans don't work out, you can be gracious and resilient.
As for traumatized, I hope you're exaggerating, because that's a bit much, even for a 16 year old. And her family, who presumably include adults, shouldn't be traumatized. Again, this is a bummer, but it's a minor setback. If her parents are acting like this is a devastating crisis, she may well internalize that. If you could instead instill and sense of proportion and restraint, it will be her first lesson in not overreacting, wallowing in self-pity, or confusing her self-worth with minor and superficial events.
Once you help her realize that disappointment is part of life, but that she's an awesome person regardless, and that this isn't the end of the world, your daughter will find her own solution. Maybe that will be moving on from soccer, maybe that will be practicing more so she makes the team next year, or maybe it will be the making of friends who were also cut.
She's old enough that you don't have to mico-manage her feelings, you just have to keep her grounded.
posted by spaltavian at 10:44 PM on August 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
I think there are bigger problems with this right there. You need to set an example, and saying it's "the system" or that this is somehow not "fair" is not a good way to teach a kid to deal with disappointment. It's a bummer, sure, but- unless kids who aren't as good at soccer as your daughter made the cut due to nepotism or the like- it was fair. You don't get everything you want, and this is a way for your daughter to learn that even when plans don't work out, you can be gracious and resilient.
As for traumatized, I hope you're exaggerating, because that's a bit much, even for a 16 year old. And her family, who presumably include adults, shouldn't be traumatized. Again, this is a bummer, but it's a minor setback. If her parents are acting like this is a devastating crisis, she may well internalize that. If you could instead instill and sense of proportion and restraint, it will be her first lesson in not overreacting, wallowing in self-pity, or confusing her self-worth with minor and superficial events.
Once you help her realize that disappointment is part of life, but that she's an awesome person regardless, and that this isn't the end of the world, your daughter will find her own solution. Maybe that will be moving on from soccer, maybe that will be practicing more so she makes the team next year, or maybe it will be the making of friends who were also cut.
She's old enough that you don't have to mico-manage her feelings, you just have to keep her grounded.
posted by spaltavian at 10:44 PM on August 26, 2010 [7 favorites]
I got cut from the tennis team my senior year, the year they won the state championship. It stung, at first. But I got over it, I learned how to be a good sport about it. And then, I got a job at the local guitar shop with my new found free time. And then, and then, and then...I can really trace where I ended up now to that tiny event.
Better learning this now, then later. Hope everything turns out alright.
posted by Sreiny at 10:53 PM on August 26, 2010
Better learning this now, then later. Hope everything turns out alright.
posted by Sreiny at 10:53 PM on August 26, 2010
Seems like you've got pretty good advice so far, so a few suggestions:
I agree that playing non-HS soccer at that age is a bummer, especially if she's talented. You could see if there are local adult leagues that would let her play with them, or ask the local boys community team if she can play with them. I played on a coed team (against boys only teams) the summer before I started HS soccer. The girls that were on our team weren't afraid to play hard, and the guys on the other teams were afraid of hurting them (or thought they were cute, or whatever) and the girls completely obliterated them. I had an absolute blast.
Another idea is getting involved with the community soccer referees. They always seemed to need someone else to help referee where I grew up. I started refereeing at that age, and it was a good way to keep me involved and make some money as well. Typically you have to go to a 2-3 classes in the evening for a few hours and then take a test about the rules, which is super easy for anyone who has been a player for very long.
posted by paulus andronicus at 12:30 AM on August 27, 2010
I agree that playing non-HS soccer at that age is a bummer, especially if she's talented. You could see if there are local adult leagues that would let her play with them, or ask the local boys community team if she can play with them. I played on a coed team (against boys only teams) the summer before I started HS soccer. The girls that were on our team weren't afraid to play hard, and the guys on the other teams were afraid of hurting them (or thought they were cute, or whatever) and the girls completely obliterated them. I had an absolute blast.
Another idea is getting involved with the community soccer referees. They always seemed to need someone else to help referee where I grew up. I started refereeing at that age, and it was a good way to keep me involved and make some money as well. Typically you have to go to a 2-3 classes in the evening for a few hours and then take a test about the rules, which is super easy for anyone who has been a player for very long.
posted by paulus andronicus at 12:30 AM on August 27, 2010
Let her go hang with her friends. Let her grieve on her own path. Listen, don't really talk. If you feel she's expecting you to talk, ask her what she plans to do -- not "what sport will you take up now" or anything specific, just "so now what?"
It's up to her to decide her next steps, and even if that's just taking a break for now, that's fine.
posted by davejay at 12:45 AM on August 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's up to her to decide her next steps, and even if that's just taking a break for now, that's fine.
posted by davejay at 12:45 AM on August 27, 2010 [1 favorite]
Your kid needs to join the loser team and train more. If she's good enough then she'll eventually make the first team, if she's not then she plays at the standard she's capable of. That's life.
If there's a major issue with being part of the loser team, encourage her to turn a team of losers into a team of winners. At some point both teams will get to play each other and there'd no better pay back than her team of losers hammering them 3-0.
posted by R.Stornoway at 12:55 AM on August 27, 2010
If there's a major issue with being part of the loser team, encourage her to turn a team of losers into a team of winners. At some point both teams will get to play each other and there'd no better pay back than her team of losers hammering them 3-0.
posted by R.Stornoway at 12:55 AM on August 27, 2010
My friends kid got dropped from Manchester United, I kid you not. He's in a junior team, highest goalscorer for the year but placed 19/24 in his group and they only took on 18 for the next year. Harsh. His problem? He was more than capable in almost every position except goalkeeper, and they couldn't fit him in to a particular position, whereas all the other kids had pretty much been slotted into specific positions. On paper, he was probably the best player in the team. Harsher.
So after being dropped from (arguably) one of the biggest and greatest teams in the world - and there was no 'up' to go to really, he's joined another (EPL) team. He is easily the best in his squad now, and working on getting a position nailed. He has a good chance of getting back to United in a couple of years.
TL;DR? Join another team
posted by daveyt at 3:11 AM on August 27, 2010
So after being dropped from (arguably) one of the biggest and greatest teams in the world - and there was no 'up' to go to really, he's joined another (EPL) team. He is easily the best in his squad now, and working on getting a position nailed. He has a good chance of getting back to United in a couple of years.
TL;DR? Join another team
posted by daveyt at 3:11 AM on August 27, 2010
Response by poster: Thanx for all the answers. My kid is amazingly resilient and will move on from this. The trauma if that's what we'll call it was less about soccer and more about being separated from her friends. Today life goes on.
posted by Xurando at 3:42 AM on August 27, 2010
posted by Xurando at 3:42 AM on August 27, 2010
Another idea is getting involved with the community soccer referees.
Definitely this. Or have her consider coaching a little kid team.
It can help her remain connected with the sport and there's something very satisfying about watching little kids running around and screaming happily.
posted by dzaz at 3:43 AM on August 27, 2010
Definitely this. Or have her consider coaching a little kid team.
It can help her remain connected with the sport and there's something very satisfying about watching little kids running around and screaming happily.
posted by dzaz at 3:43 AM on August 27, 2010
Tell her not to worry about it. IN my high school I had College scouts looking at me and i was still benched because i did not suck up to the coach. tell her not to worry. I played intramural soccer in college and had more fun then if i were to actually play on the college team.
Does she like acting or doing technical things? maybe do the school plays ? I was backstage along with soccer in high school. The theater was al ot more fun.
posted by majortom1981 at 4:30 AM on August 27, 2010
Does she like acting or doing technical things? maybe do the school plays ? I was backstage along with soccer in high school. The theater was al ot more fun.
posted by majortom1981 at 4:30 AM on August 27, 2010
I'm sure once the shock wears off she'll be open to start looking at alternatives, whether they be soccer or otherwise. I believe the movie-cliché response would be to start practicing/training intensely in order to get back on the team at the next opportunity.
Also, she should look into coaching or assistant coaching some kids who play for the town rec league or equivalent. Their fall soccer season will be starting up soon and if it is anything like it is around here they are always looking for volunteers. (Typical call the night before soccer starts for my kid: "Ok, your kid is on the red team, be there at 12:30 -- also, would you like to coach the team?").
If she wants to remain close to her friends on her team another way would be to become the team's photographer/videographer/blogger and document the hell out of the season. She'll get to hang out with her friends and learn some new skills at the same time.
posted by mikepop at 6:10 AM on August 27, 2010
Also, she should look into coaching or assistant coaching some kids who play for the town rec league or equivalent. Their fall soccer season will be starting up soon and if it is anything like it is around here they are always looking for volunteers. (Typical call the night before soccer starts for my kid: "Ok, your kid is on the red team, be there at 12:30 -- also, would you like to coach the team?").
If she wants to remain close to her friends on her team another way would be to become the team's photographer/videographer/blogger and document the hell out of the season. She'll get to hang out with her friends and learn some new skills at the same time.
posted by mikepop at 6:10 AM on August 27, 2010
If her friendships with the girls who made the team are real, she'll see them plenty. If said friendships are really just about convenience and proximity (with maybe a dose of Us vs. Them), getting ditched by them is the best thing that could possibly happen to her.
At sixteen your daughter should be able to figure out who to be friends with and who not to be friends with on her own. When I was that age I didn't even live at home anymore and my parents had only the dimmest awareness of who my closest friends were, why I was friends with them, and what activities we did together. Let alone who made what team and how that affected the time we spent together.
More and more, I think you need to play a very minor role in all this - she's old enough to decide what after school activities she wants to pursue and who her social circle will be. It's barely even your business, to be honest.
posted by Sara C. at 6:23 AM on August 27, 2010
At sixteen your daughter should be able to figure out who to be friends with and who not to be friends with on her own. When I was that age I didn't even live at home anymore and my parents had only the dimmest awareness of who my closest friends were, why I was friends with them, and what activities we did together. Let alone who made what team and how that affected the time we spent together.
More and more, I think you need to play a very minor role in all this - she's old enough to decide what after school activities she wants to pursue and who her social circle will be. It's barely even your business, to be honest.
posted by Sara C. at 6:23 AM on August 27, 2010
Seems pretty short sighted of the school to not have a JV squad, that's a great place for players to improve and work their way up to Varsity.
I think the school probably does have a JV team. The policy in some schools is to not allow seniors play on JV so as not to take up space for freshmen and sophomores who actually will have a chance to "improve and work their way up to Varsity" (I hadn't heard of it for juniors - seems pretty harsh, because even under that system, she could make varsity as a senior).
Essentially the school is treating high school sports as serious competition rather than, well, I don't know - fun, healthy, outdoor school spirit?
It sucks.
I'd say encourage the cross country, by the way. Running can be something she can do and love into very late adulthood (if she does like running).
posted by Pax at 6:53 AM on August 27, 2010
I think the school probably does have a JV team. The policy in some schools is to not allow seniors play on JV so as not to take up space for freshmen and sophomores who actually will have a chance to "improve and work their way up to Varsity" (I hadn't heard of it for juniors - seems pretty harsh, because even under that system, she could make varsity as a senior).
Essentially the school is treating high school sports as serious competition rather than, well, I don't know - fun, healthy, outdoor school spirit?
It sucks.
I'd say encourage the cross country, by the way. Running can be something she can do and love into very late adulthood (if she does like running).
posted by Pax at 6:53 AM on August 27, 2010
I'm just going to nth the another sport idea, and second Ultimate specifically. I didn't make my college soccer team freshman year and landed with the Ultimate squad. Weird, interesting people who are still among my closest friends. Plus, soccer players tend to make a relatively quick transition to Ultimate (high fitness level, used to cutting, good at finding open space). And it's a growing sport that rewards athleticism, skill, and intelligence.
Good luck!
posted by that's candlepin at 8:40 AM on August 27, 2010
Good luck!
posted by that's candlepin at 8:40 AM on August 27, 2010
Hey, looking back at my answer, I think I come off as kind of sanctimonious, so please forgive me if I annoyed or offended you.
posted by salvia at 8:30 PM on August 30, 2010
posted by salvia at 8:30 PM on August 30, 2010
Do you have AYSO in your area? If so, maybe she could participate as a assn't coach or a ref for younger kids. My son, years ago, wasn't a great player, but his coach noticed that he really understood the game and the logic of it. So, he recommended that my kid be a ref. Best thing that ever happened to him And community service/volunteer hours look great on college applications.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:27 PM on August 31, 2010
posted by Ideefixe at 7:27 PM on August 31, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by 1000monkeys at 5:22 PM on August 26, 2010