Do I have a moral obligation to help my ex get out of his affair?
August 23, 2010 7:18 PM Subscribe
Do I have a moral obligation to help my ex get out of his affair?
Warning: long story. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend four months ago. We have been acquaintances for 10 years and developed a deeper friendship over the past year and a half. The reasons for our breakup were multi-fold: differing cultures & values and long distance (3000 miles) but the catalyst was his admission that he had developed feelings for a co-worker. Unfortunately, this co-worker is married but separated from her husband with whom she has a small child. After the break-up, we did not speak for 3 months. Due to a temporary work assignment (which I pushed for prior to our breakup), I ended up moving to the city where he lives. I contacted him and he told me that this woman had taken a leave of absence to care for her sick mother in a foreign country. We started to spend time with one another but did not start dating. This woman returned recently and my ex has been spending quite a bit of time with her. To be perfectly honest, I still have some feelings for my ex and I am jealous of his affection towards this woman. I also realize that my ex and I have fundamentally different values and would be unlikely to work things out even if this woman had not been in the picture. This woman has re-united with her husband but appears to still be unhappy in her marriage. My ex and I have spoken about this and he realizes that this is not a good situation but he does not want to stop seeing this woman. Yesterday, I offered some suggestions and he stated that I was being too judgmental and that he just wants me to listen and not try to help. My question is this: as a friend, do I have any moral obligation to help him navigate this or should I just walk away for the sake of self-preservation as it pains me to see him involved with this woman?
Warning: long story. I broke up with my ex-boyfriend four months ago. We have been acquaintances for 10 years and developed a deeper friendship over the past year and a half. The reasons for our breakup were multi-fold: differing cultures & values and long distance (3000 miles) but the catalyst was his admission that he had developed feelings for a co-worker. Unfortunately, this co-worker is married but separated from her husband with whom she has a small child. After the break-up, we did not speak for 3 months. Due to a temporary work assignment (which I pushed for prior to our breakup), I ended up moving to the city where he lives. I contacted him and he told me that this woman had taken a leave of absence to care for her sick mother in a foreign country. We started to spend time with one another but did not start dating. This woman returned recently and my ex has been spending quite a bit of time with her. To be perfectly honest, I still have some feelings for my ex and I am jealous of his affection towards this woman. I also realize that my ex and I have fundamentally different values and would be unlikely to work things out even if this woman had not been in the picture. This woman has re-united with her husband but appears to still be unhappy in her marriage. My ex and I have spoken about this and he realizes that this is not a good situation but he does not want to stop seeing this woman. Yesterday, I offered some suggestions and he stated that I was being too judgmental and that he just wants me to listen and not try to help. My question is this: as a friend, do I have any moral obligation to help him navigate this or should I just walk away for the sake of self-preservation as it pains me to see him involved with this woman?
Let's say you help him and he stops seeing this woman. What do you have on your hands? A emotional bonding experience with a single man to whom you are clearly still attracted. I can think of nothing good that can come out of ending up in that place with an ex.
posted by griphus at 7:24 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
posted by griphus at 7:24 PM on August 23, 2010 [5 favorites]
You need to bounce, sister.
posted by Netzapper at 7:27 PM on August 23, 2010 [13 favorites]
posted by Netzapper at 7:27 PM on August 23, 2010 [13 favorites]
Yesterday, I offered some suggestions and he stated that I was being too judgmental and that he just wants me to listen and not try to help.
He doesn't want your help. Why waste your energy? Leave him alone.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:29 PM on August 23, 2010 [7 favorites]
He doesn't want your help. Why waste your energy? Leave him alone.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:29 PM on August 23, 2010 [7 favorites]
You don't have a moral responsibility, because you're not his friend yet. Or at least you're not the kind of friend who has a fair and relatively objective perspective on what's going on. Walk away from the situation, if not the relationship, until you're no longer an interested party.
posted by verbyournouns at 7:34 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by verbyournouns at 7:34 PM on August 23, 2010
It's moments like this that I have to remind myself that I am not irreplaceable as a friend, and the people around me will be capable of navigating the sticky situations they get themselves into, finding the resources and inner fortitude they need to live their lives. If there was no baggage, I would see how being there for him would be a good thing. But there is baggage.
Wish him well and know that he probably won't sink into the abyss if you don't give him a listening ear this time round. He will figure out what he needs to figure out on his own or with other friends. You can be there for other stuff in the future.
posted by anitanita at 7:55 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Wish him well and know that he probably won't sink into the abyss if you don't give him a listening ear this time round. He will figure out what he needs to figure out on his own or with other friends. You can be there for other stuff in the future.
posted by anitanita at 7:55 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I would say that if anything, you have a moral obligation not to get involved in the love life of an ex you still care about.
posted by brainmouse at 8:26 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by brainmouse at 8:26 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
No, you do not.
posted by studioaudience at 8:35 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by studioaudience at 8:35 PM on August 23, 2010
Absolutely not. In fact, you should be as far away from this trainwreck-to-be, lest you get blamed for it going wrong (which it almost certainly will). Ex's are great scapegoats.
posted by Gilbert at 8:36 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by Gilbert at 8:36 PM on August 23, 2010
I'm with banannafish here--walk away. Seems like you already know what you need to do.
posted by melancholyplay at 9:10 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by melancholyplay at 9:10 PM on August 23, 2010
Let him make his own bed. You're his friend, not his mother.
posted by goblinbox at 9:21 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by goblinbox at 9:21 PM on August 23, 2010
If you didn't have romantic feelings for this man, I doubt you'd even be that concerned about the situation. This is hardly a sticky situation that he's helpless to control, like he got thrown in jail or something, and he's made it clear he doesn't want your help. You're just using this as an excuse to be present in his life in some way and look helpful. You're overinflating the importance of your help because he matters so much to you. I'm not suggesting you're being purposely manipulative, it's just a subconscious thing that can happen in this kind of situation.
posted by unannihilated at 10:09 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by unannihilated at 10:09 PM on August 23, 2010
He already knows you think it's a bad idea. That's the end of your obligation. You can also tell him you'd rather not talk anymore about it if you want. Oh - and you have no idea how lucky you are that things did not work out.
posted by xammerboy at 11:11 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by xammerboy at 11:11 PM on August 23, 2010
Run far, fast, and away. He doesn't want to stop seeing a married woman, who has a small child and is trying to fix her marriage? Eeeessshhh. Fine. Let him keep seeing this married woman with a young child who is trying to fix her marriage, but don't you get yourself involved in this hideous, sure-to-get-worse situation.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 11:15 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by deep thought sunstar at 11:15 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even if you were "just" friends, trying to talk him out of a love affair can be tough on the friendship and is generally a waste of time. Given the circumstances, I add my voice to the chorus: find someone else to be friends with.
posted by ottereroticist at 11:33 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by ottereroticist at 11:33 PM on August 23, 2010
Let's look at the list:
1. He doesn't want your help.
2. Helping him is painful to you.
3. He has a history of bad relationships.
4. You are part of his history of bad relationships.
Do I need to go on here? Find another guy who is not relationship poison and get over this one, then you can be his friend if you want, but just his friend.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 6:37 AM on August 24, 2010
1. He doesn't want your help.
2. Helping him is painful to you.
3. He has a history of bad relationships.
4. You are part of his history of bad relationships.
Do I need to go on here? Find another guy who is not relationship poison and get over this one, then you can be his friend if you want, but just his friend.
posted by The 10th Regiment of Foot at 6:37 AM on August 24, 2010
He doesn't want you or your help, he wants to use you to validate his behavior. Unless you're comfortable being used (again) and discarded (again), you need to get as far away from him as you can.
posted by tommasz at 6:40 AM on August 24, 2010
posted by tommasz at 6:40 AM on August 24, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by banannafish at 7:20 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]