What did I do to invite this?
August 23, 2010 1:43 PM Subscribe
Am I doing something to invite propositions I don't necessarily want?
In the past couple of years I've lost some significant weight, and am now considered officially hot, I guess, according to friends and family. When I met my husband's co-workers the other night, it was all, Hey, have you met Luke's hot wife Kari? Hey, everybody, meet Luke's hot wife! Hey, wow, where did you come from, Luke's Hot Wife? The back pages of The Stranger (local hipster weekly full of photos of nas-tay porn ladies)?" Har har har! Hot hot hot! Blah blah blah!
I don't want to seem ungrateful, but this whole thing is really throwing me. It' just waaaaaay different from what I'm used to. I mean the new attention is nice and I'm thrilled, and I have slightly more confidence on the job, for instance, than I used to. But this behavior I'm inspiring is starting to become a source of real anguish for me on a daily basis.
My current problem is a guy I interviewed for my job at a radio station. He's a European concert pianist and he's very charming, funny, and sweet. It was great meeting him and he was a terrific subject. I sent him the audio of our interview, and because I'm also a cartoonist and I draw every visiting artist I chat with, I drew his cartoon portrait and sent it along.
So it was a couple of weeks later, and the guy didn't acknowledge what I'd sent. I figured hey, he's a concert artist, he's on tour, he's busy, no sweat. So suddenly he emails me to say thanks, and -- wow. He's thrilled with the interview, thrilled to have met me, and thrilled with the cartoon! Great! I replied in my casual cheerful style, and said I was looking forward to interviewing him again when he comes back to town in February.
So then Roberto (let's call him) emails me again, and suddenly we're enmeshed in this bizarre correspondence. It seems he's asking me to come see him in New York where he's performing next. I was sure he was joking (he's all about humor), and I just laughed when I read that and didn't respond specifically to that request.
His next email mentioned it again. It was weird how he wouldn't let it go! For a couple of weeks he kept trying to persuade me that I should visit him in New York (I'm on the opposite coast) -- he would pay my air fare, no problem. I kept it light and humorous. I mentioned family obligations and said my hubby would have kittens if I took off to do something like that. He said he understood about that. He said: "Of course your husband is a bit jealous. Is good, no? You are beautiful woman, naturally he's afraid you'll be kidnapped by your admirers! Use your imagination, though. I'm sure you'll come up with something."
I'm thinking, crap, I must be naive to be shocked at this! But it bothered me. I found myself fascinated by Roberto's perspective. This guy is like a cartoon character. An international playboy with cajones the size of church bells. He's young, he's fairly famous (in his chosen world), and he's used to getting what he wants. He's probably got a girl in every port. He beckons, they come running! Is normal!
And then I'm thinking about this and blushing, because it seems to me there must be more. I MUST have done something to inspire this. In my own mind my behavior was polite, professional, cheerful, not overtly sexy. WHAT WAS IT?? WHAT DID I DO? Why would he do this to me? I didn't know whether to feel insulted or flattered.
And I'm sort of sick, thinking now about how I maybe played along with the flirtation because my head was turned by it, which was why he kept extending our interchange. I feel I was just trying to catch his tone and tease him in the same way. I had to reject his proposal, but I wanted to do it with humor. He's younger than me. I said, "I wish I'd known you when I was single. Of course, you would have been about twelve years old." So I think I'm teasing him and letting him down gently. But after that, he comes back with, "Oh, hey, wow, I would have loved to know you when you were single too!" Oy vey!
So it turned out I didn't fly to New York to meet him, and we wrapped up our surreal interchange on what I tried to make a pleasant, perky, friendly note. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him in February, but now I'm quaking in my shoes. He is attractive, and I'm miserably guilty about what I might have done to inspire his outrageous come on.
It's possible he's just bold like that, and I shouldn't feel bad.
I don't know.
Oh, and I'm afraid of him now, which just floors me. It's been a long time since I was actually afraid of a man. I thought I had outgrown these feelings, but he's sort of sexually menacing to me. Not because I couldn't defend myself from his advances -- it's more like I'm afraid I'll end up initiating something myself. I've had some strangely profound impulses lately, with all kinds of bizarre fantasies about people I'm ethically bound not to have sex with. I'm really so tense around this, I'm almost shaking when I think about it.
I could let another person at work handle the interview a few months from now. I could totally just hide from Roberto. But the thought of that is weird for me. Why am I terrified of the guy? Why can't I just laugh it off? What can't I be brave and humorous and gracious and confident? Why has this guy totally thrown me off track?
I feel he insulted me, but I'm not sure how. I feel like he somehow sensed that I have low self-esteem, and he sensed that his blandishments might have an affect on me for that reason. So I'm thinking this, or something else, made me his target. And I have so much shame about that.
I guess my question would be a two-parter: how do I manage this in my head so I can lessen my anxiety? I really jsut don't know how to think of it. And the other thing is, what should I do in February? I'm afraid he's going to ask me for a drink (he mentioned we should do that when he comes back). I wouldn't normally have thought anything of it, because we occasionally socialize with people who come through the station. But after our correspondence, I'm sure it's a coded invitation. Should I just avoid him when he comes back?
Sorry this was so long.
In the past couple of years I've lost some significant weight, and am now considered officially hot, I guess, according to friends and family. When I met my husband's co-workers the other night, it was all, Hey, have you met Luke's hot wife Kari? Hey, everybody, meet Luke's hot wife! Hey, wow, where did you come from, Luke's Hot Wife? The back pages of The Stranger (local hipster weekly full of photos of nas-tay porn ladies)?" Har har har! Hot hot hot! Blah blah blah!
I don't want to seem ungrateful, but this whole thing is really throwing me. It' just waaaaaay different from what I'm used to. I mean the new attention is nice and I'm thrilled, and I have slightly more confidence on the job, for instance, than I used to. But this behavior I'm inspiring is starting to become a source of real anguish for me on a daily basis.
My current problem is a guy I interviewed for my job at a radio station. He's a European concert pianist and he's very charming, funny, and sweet. It was great meeting him and he was a terrific subject. I sent him the audio of our interview, and because I'm also a cartoonist and I draw every visiting artist I chat with, I drew his cartoon portrait and sent it along.
So it was a couple of weeks later, and the guy didn't acknowledge what I'd sent. I figured hey, he's a concert artist, he's on tour, he's busy, no sweat. So suddenly he emails me to say thanks, and -- wow. He's thrilled with the interview, thrilled to have met me, and thrilled with the cartoon! Great! I replied in my casual cheerful style, and said I was looking forward to interviewing him again when he comes back to town in February.
So then Roberto (let's call him) emails me again, and suddenly we're enmeshed in this bizarre correspondence. It seems he's asking me to come see him in New York where he's performing next. I was sure he was joking (he's all about humor), and I just laughed when I read that and didn't respond specifically to that request.
His next email mentioned it again. It was weird how he wouldn't let it go! For a couple of weeks he kept trying to persuade me that I should visit him in New York (I'm on the opposite coast) -- he would pay my air fare, no problem. I kept it light and humorous. I mentioned family obligations and said my hubby would have kittens if I took off to do something like that. He said he understood about that. He said: "Of course your husband is a bit jealous. Is good, no? You are beautiful woman, naturally he's afraid you'll be kidnapped by your admirers! Use your imagination, though. I'm sure you'll come up with something."
I'm thinking, crap, I must be naive to be shocked at this! But it bothered me. I found myself fascinated by Roberto's perspective. This guy is like a cartoon character. An international playboy with cajones the size of church bells. He's young, he's fairly famous (in his chosen world), and he's used to getting what he wants. He's probably got a girl in every port. He beckons, they come running! Is normal!
And then I'm thinking about this and blushing, because it seems to me there must be more. I MUST have done something to inspire this. In my own mind my behavior was polite, professional, cheerful, not overtly sexy. WHAT WAS IT?? WHAT DID I DO? Why would he do this to me? I didn't know whether to feel insulted or flattered.
And I'm sort of sick, thinking now about how I maybe played along with the flirtation because my head was turned by it, which was why he kept extending our interchange. I feel I was just trying to catch his tone and tease him in the same way. I had to reject his proposal, but I wanted to do it with humor. He's younger than me. I said, "I wish I'd known you when I was single. Of course, you would have been about twelve years old." So I think I'm teasing him and letting him down gently. But after that, he comes back with, "Oh, hey, wow, I would have loved to know you when you were single too!" Oy vey!
So it turned out I didn't fly to New York to meet him, and we wrapped up our surreal interchange on what I tried to make a pleasant, perky, friendly note. I told him I was looking forward to seeing him in February, but now I'm quaking in my shoes. He is attractive, and I'm miserably guilty about what I might have done to inspire his outrageous come on.
It's possible he's just bold like that, and I shouldn't feel bad.
I don't know.
Oh, and I'm afraid of him now, which just floors me. It's been a long time since I was actually afraid of a man. I thought I had outgrown these feelings, but he's sort of sexually menacing to me. Not because I couldn't defend myself from his advances -- it's more like I'm afraid I'll end up initiating something myself. I've had some strangely profound impulses lately, with all kinds of bizarre fantasies about people I'm ethically bound not to have sex with. I'm really so tense around this, I'm almost shaking when I think about it.
I could let another person at work handle the interview a few months from now. I could totally just hide from Roberto. But the thought of that is weird for me. Why am I terrified of the guy? Why can't I just laugh it off? What can't I be brave and humorous and gracious and confident? Why has this guy totally thrown me off track?
I feel he insulted me, but I'm not sure how. I feel like he somehow sensed that I have low self-esteem, and he sensed that his blandishments might have an affect on me for that reason. So I'm thinking this, or something else, made me his target. And I have so much shame about that.
I guess my question would be a two-parter: how do I manage this in my head so I can lessen my anxiety? I really jsut don't know how to think of it. And the other thing is, what should I do in February? I'm afraid he's going to ask me for a drink (he mentioned we should do that when he comes back). I wouldn't normally have thought anything of it, because we occasionally socialize with people who come through the station. But after our correspondence, I'm sure it's a coded invitation. Should I just avoid him when he comes back?
Sorry this was so long.
frosty,
You'll get this a lot if you're an attractive girl. It's what guys do and many often cross the boundary even if we're aware that you're married. Don't let it change who you are and turn you into a more cold or diminuitive person. That's not the answer. You'll develop more skills to shoot down advances (namely some confident belittling) when they arise, as they surely will.
The guy may have thrown you off-track because you're subconsciously intrigued by the request (at least I kind of connote it from your tone and you half-admit to it) but scared of what the implications mean. It's ok. You're doing the right thing, so don't worry too much. Him whisking you away to a concert plays into a fantasy complex. It's easy to get into that vision. Stay focused. You may want to have a conversation with your husband to clear the air. Don't let those thoughts fester. They can turn bad.
posted by Hurst at 1:52 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
You'll get this a lot if you're an attractive girl. It's what guys do and many often cross the boundary even if we're aware that you're married. Don't let it change who you are and turn you into a more cold or diminuitive person. That's not the answer. You'll develop more skills to shoot down advances (namely some confident belittling) when they arise, as they surely will.
The guy may have thrown you off-track because you're subconsciously intrigued by the request (at least I kind of connote it from your tone and you half-admit to it) but scared of what the implications mean. It's ok. You're doing the right thing, so don't worry too much. Him whisking you away to a concert plays into a fantasy complex. It's easy to get into that vision. Stay focused. You may want to have a conversation with your husband to clear the air. Don't let those thoughts fester. They can turn bad.
posted by Hurst at 1:52 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Perspective:
You thought of yourself as basically not hot. A super hot guy came on to you. You were flattered and probably chatted a little longer than you should have. That scared you because you contemplated that. Its Okay. You did right! You didn't go to New York. Which is what you are supposed to do.
Next time this happens, just look at the picture of your wonderful husband on your desk. It will make it easier.
Some people are going to come on after me and say try polgamy. I'd say probably not going to make your husband happy.
Dudes are going to come on to you, its okay. Just remember you love your husband.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:53 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
You thought of yourself as basically not hot. A super hot guy came on to you. You were flattered and probably chatted a little longer than you should have. That scared you because you contemplated that. Its Okay. You did right! You didn't go to New York. Which is what you are supposed to do.
Next time this happens, just look at the picture of your wonderful husband on your desk. It will make it easier.
Some people are going to come on after me and say try polgamy. I'd say probably not going to make your husband happy.
Dudes are going to come on to you, its okay. Just remember you love your husband.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:53 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
You were nice to this guy, and in exchange he made you feel uncomfortable and pressured. It's unfortunate that many women are raised to be Nice, and then find themselves in situations were other people interpret this niceness as sexual interest.
On re-reading the end of the question, I think there's stuff going on here outside the scope of the question, and you are using this situation with Roberto as kind of a smokescreen to hide it from yourself. It sounds (to me) like you actually want to have an affair, and are desperately afraid that you won't be able to "control yourself" if the situation arises. This has nothing to do with Roberto and everything to do with you and possibly your relationship with your husband.
posted by muddgirl at 1:55 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
On re-reading the end of the question, I think there's stuff going on here outside the scope of the question, and you are using this situation with Roberto as kind of a smokescreen to hide it from yourself. It sounds (to me) like you actually want to have an affair, and are desperately afraid that you won't be able to "control yourself" if the situation arises. This has nothing to do with Roberto and everything to do with you and possibly your relationship with your husband.
posted by muddgirl at 1:55 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Am I doing something to invite propositions I don't necessarily want?
Yes, you were born with a vagina and classically attractive features. You really should have thought about the potential consequences of that beforehand. (I'm only half kidding.)
You should try to be more assertive. It's great to be friendly and fun and funny, but if someone says something that makes you uncomfortable, be it Roberto or one of your husband's friends, it will help if you immediately drop the friendly demeanor and say with a straight face, looking directly at them, "that is inappropriate, please don't say that." And then go back to being your friendly happy self.
If you can show that you mean business when you need to, it will show these guys that while you're happy to kick around and be buddies, you deserve respect.
A certain amount if it, though, you're just stuck with. That's the way it goes, and it sucks.
posted by phunniemee at 1:56 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Yes, you were born with a vagina and classically attractive features. You really should have thought about the potential consequences of that beforehand. (I'm only half kidding.)
You should try to be more assertive. It's great to be friendly and fun and funny, but if someone says something that makes you uncomfortable, be it Roberto or one of your husband's friends, it will help if you immediately drop the friendly demeanor and say with a straight face, looking directly at them, "that is inappropriate, please don't say that." And then go back to being your friendly happy self.
If you can show that you mean business when you need to, it will show these guys that while you're happy to kick around and be buddies, you deserve respect.
A certain amount if it, though, you're just stuck with. That's the way it goes, and it sucks.
posted by phunniemee at 1:56 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'm really so tense around this, I'm almost shaking when I think about it
I hate to be cliched, but please get some help. I know that feeling of being out-of-control (although the situation was different) and it can end really badly.
posted by muddgirl at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2010
I hate to be cliched, but please get some help. I know that feeling of being out-of-control (although the situation was different) and it can end really badly.
posted by muddgirl at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2010
I MUST have done something to inspire this.
Eh, people do this sort of thing differently. The only thing you may have done is more what you didn't do, put a stop to it when he started making it clear he was being flirty and somewhat aggressive. This is not to say that anything you did do, affirmatively, was inappropriate or incorrect, but that if you're wondering how to not get stuck in this sort of thing next time, a brief and friendly
"No, I wasn't bringing up my husband in order to say he's jealous, I was bringing him up because I'm madly in love with him and your advances are making me uncomfortable."
So, in other words, if no one says "hey we've gone from light flirting to something that seems a little less light" then one or the other person can maybe laugh it off or say they weren't serious or something. At the point at which one person says "hey this is going in a direction I am not comfortable with" it draws a more clear line that if the other person continues to move forward, at that point they're being inappropriate and can be treated less-than-politely. At least that's how my moral compass works.
So, you're probably readjusting how to deal with flirty people now that you're looking differently and people are responding to you differently. You'll adjust and get used to figuring out what is a more appropriate response for you. And as far as Roberto goes, he was either just being a heavy flirty I-didn't-mean-anything guy or he's after you. In either case, if you are not after him [and have some discussions with yourself to mull over that idea] then you can choose how to interact with him and you can be however you want, but more flirting-type talk is likely to not have the outcomes you're looking for.
how I maybe played along with the flirtation because my head was turned by it
This is also normal, both the feeling and then regret afterwards. If it makes you feel better, you can talk about this to your husband if you think he'd be sympathetic and helpful. I don't mean that "oh you need to come clean with him" but just that if he's your partner and friend, you talking about this changing impression your giving may be something you can deal with as a team. It can be isolating if you feel that you're doing something behind your partner's back [which is why this guy's strong come on is both sort of titillating and also WRONG-feeling to you, is my guess] and sometimes removing the taboo aspect "Hey Kyle, that pianist has been sending me really weird email, which relates to some other stuff going on in my life right now, what do you think...?"
So I'd avoid solo drinks with Roberto or anything else that smacks of a date. This is not "avoiding him" in any rude way, this is just normal. Or ask if you can bring your husband. And if you do correspond you can mention that the attention makes you uncomfortable. Just because you were feeling flirty before doesn't mean you are under any obligation to continue along that line. Aggressive confident people of any stripe can sometimes make people who are less sure of their actions feel bad about them. Usually this is not purposeful, it's just how things work out. You seem to be doing okay, and you will be fine.
posted by jessamyn at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
Eh, people do this sort of thing differently. The only thing you may have done is more what you didn't do, put a stop to it when he started making it clear he was being flirty and somewhat aggressive. This is not to say that anything you did do, affirmatively, was inappropriate or incorrect, but that if you're wondering how to not get stuck in this sort of thing next time, a brief and friendly
"No, I wasn't bringing up my husband in order to say he's jealous, I was bringing him up because I'm madly in love with him and your advances are making me uncomfortable."
So, in other words, if no one says "hey we've gone from light flirting to something that seems a little less light" then one or the other person can maybe laugh it off or say they weren't serious or something. At the point at which one person says "hey this is going in a direction I am not comfortable with" it draws a more clear line that if the other person continues to move forward, at that point they're being inappropriate and can be treated less-than-politely. At least that's how my moral compass works.
So, you're probably readjusting how to deal with flirty people now that you're looking differently and people are responding to you differently. You'll adjust and get used to figuring out what is a more appropriate response for you. And as far as Roberto goes, he was either just being a heavy flirty I-didn't-mean-anything guy or he's after you. In either case, if you are not after him [and have some discussions with yourself to mull over that idea] then you can choose how to interact with him and you can be however you want, but more flirting-type talk is likely to not have the outcomes you're looking for.
how I maybe played along with the flirtation because my head was turned by it
This is also normal, both the feeling and then regret afterwards. If it makes you feel better, you can talk about this to your husband if you think he'd be sympathetic and helpful. I don't mean that "oh you need to come clean with him" but just that if he's your partner and friend, you talking about this changing impression your giving may be something you can deal with as a team. It can be isolating if you feel that you're doing something behind your partner's back [which is why this guy's strong come on is both sort of titillating and also WRONG-feeling to you, is my guess] and sometimes removing the taboo aspect "Hey Kyle, that pianist has been sending me really weird email, which relates to some other stuff going on in my life right now, what do you think...?"
So I'd avoid solo drinks with Roberto or anything else that smacks of a date. This is not "avoiding him" in any rude way, this is just normal. Or ask if you can bring your husband. And if you do correspond you can mention that the attention makes you uncomfortable. Just because you were feeling flirty before doesn't mean you are under any obligation to continue along that line. Aggressive confident people of any stripe can sometimes make people who are less sure of their actions feel bad about them. Usually this is not purposeful, it's just how things work out. You seem to be doing okay, and you will be fine.
posted by jessamyn at 1:57 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
"we're enmeshed in this bizarre correspondence."
You are not enmeshed in anything, you are free to stop responding and deal with him on a professional basis next time he comes to town. Maybe you can lessen the anxiety my minimizing this in your head instead of giving it some Meaning or considering it 'strangely profound.' Some guy was hitting on you, you are not available as you say. So stop participating in this bizarre, flirty, correspondence. Or get a divorce and live a life unshackled by ties to your husband (who liked you enough to marry you even when you weren't hot).
posted by pseudonick at 2:00 PM on August 23, 2010 [11 favorites]
You are not enmeshed in anything, you are free to stop responding and deal with him on a professional basis next time he comes to town. Maybe you can lessen the anxiety my minimizing this in your head instead of giving it some Meaning or considering it 'strangely profound.' Some guy was hitting on you, you are not available as you say. So stop participating in this bizarre, flirty, correspondence. Or get a divorce and live a life unshackled by ties to your husband (who liked you enough to marry you even when you weren't hot).
posted by pseudonick at 2:00 PM on August 23, 2010 [11 favorites]
Why am I terrified of the guy? Why can't I just laugh it off? What can't I be brave and humorous and gracious and confident? Why has this guy totally thrown me off track?
we've discussed the male gaze in previous threads—with your weight loss, you've gone from invisible to VERY visible, and you're just not used to this kind of attention. you've done nothing other than being female and flirty, and neither of those things are wrong individually or in combination. when i was in my early 20s, things like this would throw me off, but now (especially since i live in new york and am now used to getting come ons pretty much every block, even in the winter when i'm wrapped in a long down coat) i can just shrug them off.
my experience has been that the kind of sleazebag that goes after women with low self-esteem usually alternates flattery with insults, to make you wonder why he doesn't like you and to make you want to please him, but this guy just said nice flirty things. you sound like you held your own flirtation-wise, and that doesn't usually read like low self-esteem to others. sometimes people are really confident and go for what they want, which is what this guy sounds like. maybe he's just morally flexible and really wants to sleep with you. it's not really an outrageous come on, as come ons go, especially in the context of the dude being european + successful + well-travelled.
so, my advice: take his attention as a compliment and let go of the shame. from your post, you're clearly lovely and funny and smart! what kind of man, let alone international playboy, in his right mind wouldn't flirt with you?
posted by lia at 2:01 PM on August 23, 2010
we've discussed the male gaze in previous threads—with your weight loss, you've gone from invisible to VERY visible, and you're just not used to this kind of attention. you've done nothing other than being female and flirty, and neither of those things are wrong individually or in combination. when i was in my early 20s, things like this would throw me off, but now (especially since i live in new york and am now used to getting come ons pretty much every block, even in the winter when i'm wrapped in a long down coat) i can just shrug them off.
my experience has been that the kind of sleazebag that goes after women with low self-esteem usually alternates flattery with insults, to make you wonder why he doesn't like you and to make you want to please him, but this guy just said nice flirty things. you sound like you held your own flirtation-wise, and that doesn't usually read like low self-esteem to others. sometimes people are really confident and go for what they want, which is what this guy sounds like. maybe he's just morally flexible and really wants to sleep with you. it's not really an outrageous come on, as come ons go, especially in the context of the dude being european + successful + well-travelled.
so, my advice: take his attention as a compliment and let go of the shame. from your post, you're clearly lovely and funny and smart! what kind of man, let alone international playboy, in his right mind wouldn't flirt with you?
posted by lia at 2:01 PM on August 23, 2010
I'll go there: it's not just that you're an attractive woman. You're also an attractive woman without the battle armor of one who's been used to being macked on that seriously since the age of 13. Not only do you not have the usual defensive shields in place, but, on a creepier note (and along the same lines), there are men who pick up on this dynamic and are especially attracted to attractive women who don't seem to perceive themselves as beautiful or whom they believe are "unjaded" by a lifetime of male attention.
posted by availablelight at 2:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]
posted by availablelight at 2:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [9 favorites]
It's hard to tell from what you've said whether Roberto is serious in his pursuit or not, but regardless, at this stage at least, he doesn't sound dangerous. So just decide beforehand that nothing untoward is going to happen, you're not going to go out for a drink with him, and don't do it, and that'll be that. He's just some random guy, and by the sound of things, kind of an asshole, what with all the Lothario-esque banter and all. He means nothing to you, and you don't owe him anything.
As for your feelings on this, it sounds as though you've undergone some pretty big changes recently, and are having trouble feeling secure in your identity (especially socially) given the alterations in your physical appearance. You may be overthinking everyone else's reactions to you because you're still not sure yourself who you "are" at this stage. And sure, you can be anybody you want to be-- just because other people regard you sexually doesn't mean you have to relate to them sexually-- but resisting other people's images of you can be hard until you've learned to feel very comfortable and grounded in your own skin.
May I offer a suggestion I got from this book, which is full of awesome advice about dealing with insecurity in social situations? It's this: pick someone whose social persona you admire and would like to emulate. It should be someone beautiful, smart and confident-- I find that old movie stars work well-- but shouldn't be flirty or sexual unless that's who you want to be. Then, when you're in social situations, pretend to be that person. Don't agonize over what you should say to the lecherous pianist; what would Rosalind Russell say? Wondering what they think? It doesn't matter; you're Rosalind Russell. And so forth. As a coping technique, it's a little artificial and can be dropped once you gain some confidence, but I find it much easier and more pleasant than constantly agonizing over who other people want you to be in any given situation.
posted by Bardolph at 2:03 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
As for your feelings on this, it sounds as though you've undergone some pretty big changes recently, and are having trouble feeling secure in your identity (especially socially) given the alterations in your physical appearance. You may be overthinking everyone else's reactions to you because you're still not sure yourself who you "are" at this stage. And sure, you can be anybody you want to be-- just because other people regard you sexually doesn't mean you have to relate to them sexually-- but resisting other people's images of you can be hard until you've learned to feel very comfortable and grounded in your own skin.
May I offer a suggestion I got from this book, which is full of awesome advice about dealing with insecurity in social situations? It's this: pick someone whose social persona you admire and would like to emulate. It should be someone beautiful, smart and confident-- I find that old movie stars work well-- but shouldn't be flirty or sexual unless that's who you want to be. Then, when you're in social situations, pretend to be that person. Don't agonize over what you should say to the lecherous pianist; what would Rosalind Russell say? Wondering what they think? It doesn't matter; you're Rosalind Russell. And so forth. As a coping technique, it's a little artificial and can be dropped once you gain some confidence, but I find it much easier and more pleasant than constantly agonizing over who other people want you to be in any given situation.
posted by Bardolph at 2:03 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: I wanted to say thanks for these thoughtful responses so far. I'm getting a lot out of all of them.
I feel better...and I appreciate your input so much :)
posted by frosty_hut at 2:05 PM on August 23, 2010
I feel better...and I appreciate your input so much :)
posted by frosty_hut at 2:05 PM on August 23, 2010
Woah. Slow down. This is really getting to you, isn't it? And at the same time (don't take this wrong) it sounds like you're also enjoying giving us a blow by blow description.
If I were to summarise what you've written, it would be something like "I suddenly have this power to make men want me, and I am afraid I'll get so carried away by this unfamiliar feeling of power and wantedness, I'll do something I may not actually want to do." Is that basically it?
I think from your description that you may not be used to fending off unwanted attentions. I understand that it must be overwhelming to deal with that on top of your low self esteem that you mentioned. You liked the attention, but you sense quite rightly that something about the guy's attitude is off. He's asking you, veiled in fake humour, to lie to your husband and go off on an adventure with him. This is not how men of good character act. And if he makes you uncomfortable, you need no excuse to stay away from him.
Either way, stop feeling guilty. You played along with it, but you had the good sense to understand what was happening. This is part of the learning process. You're perceptive, you'll figure out a better way to react to players after this.
But it's obvious from what you write that it is not him but yourself you are afraid of. This is also seductive, right?
Bizarrely, I think the most useful thought you can hold on to to prevent yourself from doing something dumb is that it's not about you. This is how some men act around any hot woman. Don't be afraid of "making" some guy flirt with you. You are not that special. You are not that guilty, either.
You're just someone who is figuring out how to act now that her body is attracting jerks (because your husband's coworkers totally sound like jerks, too. Seriously, who says things like that infront of a woman??).
posted by Omnomnom at 2:09 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
If I were to summarise what you've written, it would be something like "I suddenly have this power to make men want me, and I am afraid I'll get so carried away by this unfamiliar feeling of power and wantedness, I'll do something I may not actually want to do." Is that basically it?
I think from your description that you may not be used to fending off unwanted attentions. I understand that it must be overwhelming to deal with that on top of your low self esteem that you mentioned. You liked the attention, but you sense quite rightly that something about the guy's attitude is off. He's asking you, veiled in fake humour, to lie to your husband and go off on an adventure with him. This is not how men of good character act. And if he makes you uncomfortable, you need no excuse to stay away from him.
Either way, stop feeling guilty. You played along with it, but you had the good sense to understand what was happening. This is part of the learning process. You're perceptive, you'll figure out a better way to react to players after this.
But it's obvious from what you write that it is not him but yourself you are afraid of. This is also seductive, right?
Bizarrely, I think the most useful thought you can hold on to to prevent yourself from doing something dumb is that it's not about you. This is how some men act around any hot woman. Don't be afraid of "making" some guy flirt with you. You are not that special. You are not that guilty, either.
You're just someone who is figuring out how to act now that her body is attracting jerks (because your husband's coworkers totally sound like jerks, too. Seriously, who says things like that infront of a woman??).
posted by Omnomnom at 2:09 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
(Also, I didn't mean to imply that you only attract jerks. It's just that non-jerks will probably not be so blatant in their admiration.)
posted by Omnomnom at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2010
posted by Omnomnom at 2:11 PM on August 23, 2010
@nding availablelight. You're newly hot and guileless, which makes you a tempting peach for guys like Robby.
Use your discomfort as a good excuse (and it really IS a good excuse) to give somebody else a chance to interview the semi-celebrity.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:14 PM on August 23, 2010
Use your discomfort as a good excuse (and it really IS a good excuse) to give somebody else a chance to interview the semi-celebrity.
posted by bonobothegreat at 2:14 PM on August 23, 2010
Your question is a bit all over the place; you're obviously rattled. My biggest piece of advice would be to take a breath and chill out. To your more specific question...
Am I doing something to invite propositions I don't necessarily want?
In general? No idea but not necessarily. Since you only give one example of a proposition this is impossible for us to know. In the specific case you mention you were flirting with the guy. If you flirt with dudes some of them will probably hit on you. Of course some men will hit on you even if you don't flirt with them. Yes, it's skeevy to hit on a married woman who has given no indication that she is open to such an invitation. You'll undoubtedly find that there are a lot of skeevy people out there. But more dudes will hit on you if you flirt with them than if you don't flirt with them.
Non-skeevy people don't make completely unwanted propositions... but it's often difficult to know if a proposition is unwanted in advance. Flirting is one way to feel someone out as to their receptiveness. Some people flirt even when they are not open to advances but someone who won't flirt is almost certainly not open to same so it's a useful first step.
Shorter version: You'll probably get hit on no matter what. But you'll get hit on more if you flirt with people. That doesn't mean you should or should not flirt with people it's just something to keep in mind.
posted by Justinian at 2:26 PM on August 23, 2010
Am I doing something to invite propositions I don't necessarily want?
In general? No idea but not necessarily. Since you only give one example of a proposition this is impossible for us to know. In the specific case you mention you were flirting with the guy. If you flirt with dudes some of them will probably hit on you. Of course some men will hit on you even if you don't flirt with them. Yes, it's skeevy to hit on a married woman who has given no indication that she is open to such an invitation. You'll undoubtedly find that there are a lot of skeevy people out there. But more dudes will hit on you if you flirt with them than if you don't flirt with them.
Non-skeevy people don't make completely unwanted propositions... but it's often difficult to know if a proposition is unwanted in advance. Flirting is one way to feel someone out as to their receptiveness. Some people flirt even when they are not open to advances but someone who won't flirt is almost certainly not open to same so it's a useful first step.
Shorter version: You'll probably get hit on no matter what. But you'll get hit on more if you flirt with people. That doesn't mean you should or should not flirt with people it's just something to keep in mind.
posted by Justinian at 2:26 PM on August 23, 2010
If you want him to stop then you tell him, in no uncertain terms, to stop. No "I wish I could have known you when I was single." Then you stop emailing him. If he makes you uncomfortable by emailing things you don't like after you say no, then don't interview him (and have a visit with HR).
As to how you attracted him...well, apparently you're attractive to the opposite sex. It may come as a surprise, but people like the way you look. That causes some people to act stupidly. He certainly did.
So, if you don't want people to flirt with you, know when and how you flirt. It may have thrown you for a loop, but I think a part of you certainly enjoyed the flirting...certainly enough to reciprocate a little bit. And in email, a little bit is all someone might have to go on. Until there's a red light, some people will feel free to cross.
One idea of how you might feel about this really...have you told your husband about this?
posted by inturnaround at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2010
As to how you attracted him...well, apparently you're attractive to the opposite sex. It may come as a surprise, but people like the way you look. That causes some people to act stupidly. He certainly did.
So, if you don't want people to flirt with you, know when and how you flirt. It may have thrown you for a loop, but I think a part of you certainly enjoyed the flirting...certainly enough to reciprocate a little bit. And in email, a little bit is all someone might have to go on. Until there's a red light, some people will feel free to cross.
One idea of how you might feel about this really...have you told your husband about this?
posted by inturnaround at 2:41 PM on August 23, 2010
Most reporters do a little flirting--Sally Quinn famously said "Being blond doesn't hurt." You use what tools you have. It does sound like your flirt muscles weren't used for a while, and you might not have been as skilled as you could have been.
So, do you need to interview him in February? By then, he'll have bedded a couple of dozen classical music groupies. If you need to do it, interview him someplace public and do your job.
Being attractive is an asset. As long as you're not abusing it, I'd say enjoy it. And yes, tell your husband about how Roberto wanted to show you his magic fingers--maybe you can put on a CD of Bolero and let your husband show you his keyboard technique.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
So, do you need to interview him in February? By then, he'll have bedded a couple of dozen classical music groupies. If you need to do it, interview him someplace public and do your job.
Being attractive is an asset. As long as you're not abusing it, I'd say enjoy it. And yes, tell your husband about how Roberto wanted to show you his magic fingers--maybe you can put on a CD of Bolero and let your husband show you his keyboard technique.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:02 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Have you considered the possibility you were carrying that weight to shield yourself from unwanted male attention in the first place, or to avoid making people jealous?
That could account for the shaking and fear you're experiencing now. You might get something out of looking back at your life as a girl in the process of becoming a woman and asking yourself a series of questions such as 'who was I attracting that I didn't want to attract?', and 'who was threatened by or jealous of my increasing attractiveness?'.
That you lost this weight looks like a very positive sign to me from this perspective, because it often means a person has decided at some level that the time has come to deal with issues that have been holding them back.
It's interesting to me you bring up your cartoons. I think the ability to draw or paint, and the ability to write well combined in a single individual is the best predictor of really great possibilities as a writer of fiction or poetry (Flannery O'Connor, Nabokov, D. H. Lawrence, Henry Miller, etc., etc.).
All this may well lead to upheaval in your relationship with your husband, however, but you'll probably just have to live that out, because I don't think you're likely to be able to stuff yourself back into the box.
posted by jamjam at 3:35 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
That could account for the shaking and fear you're experiencing now. You might get something out of looking back at your life as a girl in the process of becoming a woman and asking yourself a series of questions such as 'who was I attracting that I didn't want to attract?', and 'who was threatened by or jealous of my increasing attractiveness?'.
That you lost this weight looks like a very positive sign to me from this perspective, because it often means a person has decided at some level that the time has come to deal with issues that have been holding them back.
It's interesting to me you bring up your cartoons. I think the ability to draw or paint, and the ability to write well combined in a single individual is the best predictor of really great possibilities as a writer of fiction or poetry (Flannery O'Connor, Nabokov, D. H. Lawrence, Henry Miller, etc., etc.).
All this may well lead to upheaval in your relationship with your husband, however, but you'll probably just have to live that out, because I don't think you're likely to be able to stuff yourself back into the box.
posted by jamjam at 3:35 PM on August 23, 2010 [3 favorites]
Frosty_Hut, my best advice based on everything you've written is not to let the email correspondence continue with someone once they go to specifics about meeting etc. At one point you mentioned him asking you over several weeks to go visit him. If he's emailing the same thing multiple times either you're responding to each one of them (giving him hope, regardless of whether or not you're saying as much in the email) or he was a total nutbar to keep emailing so many times.
In short, don't give other men the oxygen they need to keep them pursuing you (ie: you giving them attention by continuing to respond to their emails).
I think that'll be the simplest way for you not to feel so nervous about a similar situation arising again.
posted by fantasticninety at 3:37 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
In short, don't give other men the oxygen they need to keep them pursuing you (ie: you giving them attention by continuing to respond to their emails).
I think that'll be the simplest way for you not to feel so nervous about a similar situation arising again.
posted by fantasticninety at 3:37 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Yes, a lot of sexual abuse survivors (*not* suggesting that this applies in your case) report using weight as a deliberate shield and often, if they haven't dealt with that issue, being "hot" again pushes them to regain the weight so they can feel comfortable and safe from unwanted attention again. Many people report that it's this psychological use of the weight that prevents such people from staying thin-- not craving for food per se. If you do think you gained weight to protect yourself from unwanted attention, you may want to get psychological support so you don't regain it.
Also, have you seen Mad Men? What you are experiencing is basically what women used to get all the time--hot or not-- when men felt free to sexually harass women whenever they felt like it. These days, that's much toned down in general, but when men feel they can get away with it, they will do sometimes do it. Especially if you respond by "being nice" by sending them original artwork and praising their work. How's he to know that you do that for everyone? And when you follow up, you are definitely sending a signal of interest.
Basically, you aren't "asking for it" any more than a rape victim is "asking for it" when you get male attention just by looking good. However, if you don't discourage men from pursuing you by being very clear that you have no interest in an affair and you do flirt with them and don't realize that "being nice" to strange men is usually perceived by them as "being sexually interested," you may wind up in situations like this that make you uncomfortable. That doesn't give them the right to do this, of course-- but if you want it to stop, you have to avoid signaling availability, also.
posted by Maias at 3:56 PM on August 23, 2010
Also, have you seen Mad Men? What you are experiencing is basically what women used to get all the time--hot or not-- when men felt free to sexually harass women whenever they felt like it. These days, that's much toned down in general, but when men feel they can get away with it, they will do sometimes do it. Especially if you respond by "being nice" by sending them original artwork and praising their work. How's he to know that you do that for everyone? And when you follow up, you are definitely sending a signal of interest.
Basically, you aren't "asking for it" any more than a rape victim is "asking for it" when you get male attention just by looking good. However, if you don't discourage men from pursuing you by being very clear that you have no interest in an affair and you do flirt with them and don't realize that "being nice" to strange men is usually perceived by them as "being sexually interested," you may wind up in situations like this that make you uncomfortable. That doesn't give them the right to do this, of course-- but if you want it to stop, you have to avoid signaling availability, also.
posted by Maias at 3:56 PM on August 23, 2010
Have you talked about this with your husband? He is part of the problem--the guy who told co-workers how "hot" his wife is--and needs to be part of the solution.
posted by Carol Anne at 4:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by Carol Anne at 4:07 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
You don't need to be nice to men who make inappropriate or repeated unwanted advances toward you. Stop being such a people pleaser. You don't owe friendly perkiness to a man who is repeatedly coming onto you after you've told him you're married. You don't need to tell them to screw themselves, bit a little coldness or silence will cut most (but certainly not all) men like this off. However, many men will never let it go if you ever friendly respond to their advances. Remember it's not nice to make inappropriate advances so if they aren't being nice to you, you don't owe them niceness in return.
posted by whoaali at 4:17 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by whoaali at 4:17 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Two semi-separate issues. From what you said, your husband's co-workers were waaaaaaaaaaaay outta line.
Not clear if you had met those folks before, but if so, they realized you lost a lot of weight, something like, "You're looking well," would strike me as reasonable, a quick, polite acknowledgment/compliment. Maybe they were grossly mistaken in their senses of what was reasonable, ill-mannered in assuming you would be okay with those sorts of things?
If you hadn't met them before, yeesh.
With the musician, I've encountered a good bit of light, bantery flirting between media people and those they interview (regardless of genders and orientations), but he got ridiculous, much as it might be normal for him to go down that road, get plenty of positive responses, not get called out because people don't want to piss him off, don't want him to shut down communication with them or their media outlet.
I don't think you were out of line, did anything personally or professionally inappropriate to encourage his wanting to fly you to New York.
From what you said of him, my thought is to ignore him from this point forward and the matter will go away because he's always on the go and out for fresh action.
Take things as they come, see how you feel in the months ahead when he's back in town?
posted by ambient2 at 4:43 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Not clear if you had met those folks before, but if so, they realized you lost a lot of weight, something like, "You're looking well," would strike me as reasonable, a quick, polite acknowledgment/compliment. Maybe they were grossly mistaken in their senses of what was reasonable, ill-mannered in assuming you would be okay with those sorts of things?
If you hadn't met them before, yeesh.
With the musician, I've encountered a good bit of light, bantery flirting between media people and those they interview (regardless of genders and orientations), but he got ridiculous, much as it might be normal for him to go down that road, get plenty of positive responses, not get called out because people don't want to piss him off, don't want him to shut down communication with them or their media outlet.
I don't think you were out of line, did anything personally or professionally inappropriate to encourage his wanting to fly you to New York.
From what you said of him, my thought is to ignore him from this point forward and the matter will go away because he's always on the go and out for fresh action.
Take things as they come, see how you feel in the months ahead when he's back in town?
posted by ambient2 at 4:43 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
What I don't get is the "oh I just lost a lot of weight and now I'm HAWT!!" part of your post. Unless you've been living on the planet Mars, or in a cave, I'm guessing men have hit on you before. How did you handle it then? What happened to you has nothing whatsoever to do with your weight, or the lack of it!
You obviously flirted with the guy, from what you have written, and he (being somewhat of a sleazebag) has come back way stronger than you expected. Now, for whatever reason, part of you feels conflicted because - let's face it - you fancy the guy and you wouldn't mind an affair. Yet another part of you feels guilty because hey, you are married, and that's not how happily married people behave.
So what you "did" to invite this was flirt with the guy. What you didn't expect was that he would come on so strong and be extremely inappropriate about the whole thing. The second he started coming on strong about "trips to NY" and "of course your husband is jealous" you should have nipped it straight in the bud. You don't need to be party to this kind of inappropriate behaviour. "Enmeshed in this bizarre correspondence" indeed. You were in control here, if his emails were inappropriate or making you feel uncomfortable, you tell him. If they still don't stop, you ignore them.
That is not to say you shouldn't flirt - far from it, a little flirting is fine, even for married people (some may disagree!). It's just that when it gets out of control, you need to be able to rein it in. If you think you *can't* do that - maybe lay off the flirting for a bit, until you can learn to be a bit more assertive.
Oh, and come February? Yes, let someone else handle him. He sounds very manipulative, and (for whatever reason) you are letting him manipulate you. You are in a little too deep here, and may end up doing something that you might ultimately regret. Think about it logically - even IF you are sick of your marriage and want to move on with someone else, does Roberto sound like the kind of guy who is going to settle down with you and make you happy? Yeah, right.
posted by humpy at 4:44 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
You obviously flirted with the guy, from what you have written, and he (being somewhat of a sleazebag) has come back way stronger than you expected. Now, for whatever reason, part of you feels conflicted because - let's face it - you fancy the guy and you wouldn't mind an affair. Yet another part of you feels guilty because hey, you are married, and that's not how happily married people behave.
So what you "did" to invite this was flirt with the guy. What you didn't expect was that he would come on so strong and be extremely inappropriate about the whole thing. The second he started coming on strong about "trips to NY" and "of course your husband is jealous" you should have nipped it straight in the bud. You don't need to be party to this kind of inappropriate behaviour. "Enmeshed in this bizarre correspondence" indeed. You were in control here, if his emails were inappropriate or making you feel uncomfortable, you tell him. If they still don't stop, you ignore them.
That is not to say you shouldn't flirt - far from it, a little flirting is fine, even for married people (some may disagree!). It's just that when it gets out of control, you need to be able to rein it in. If you think you *can't* do that - maybe lay off the flirting for a bit, until you can learn to be a bit more assertive.
Oh, and come February? Yes, let someone else handle him. He sounds very manipulative, and (for whatever reason) you are letting him manipulate you. You are in a little too deep here, and may end up doing something that you might ultimately regret. Think about it logically - even IF you are sick of your marriage and want to move on with someone else, does Roberto sound like the kind of guy who is going to settle down with you and make you happy? Yeah, right.
posted by humpy at 4:44 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
Am I doing something to invite propositions I don't necessarily want?
Yes. You're getting involved in protracted email conversations with men who've made their intentions clear, and you're telling them that you wish you had known them when you were single. You're flirting with this man, and he's responding in the same fashion.
posted by twirlypen at 5:28 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
Yes. You're getting involved in protracted email conversations with men who've made their intentions clear, and you're telling them that you wish you had known them when you were single. You're flirting with this man, and he's responding in the same fashion.
posted by twirlypen at 5:28 PM on August 23, 2010 [4 favorites]
If I was hitting on you and you responded to me in the same way you responded to the pianist, I'd be sure you were flirting back. Many, many married women are super flirty, so there's a lot of context for having your mention of your husband interpreted as more flirtation. But as was said above, no one was forcing you to keep engaging. The guy was totally out of line, but that's the sad reality of the world -- you can't control other people, only your response to them.
Have you talked about this with your husband? He is part of the problem--the guy who told co-workers how "hot" his wife is--and needs to be part of the solution.
I really agree with this. I don't go around telling my coworkers how hot my wife is, and I've almost never heard someone doing that. The one time I can think of, it was super awkward because she wasn't very cute, and everyone had to pretend to make the guy feel ok, and it was just awful for everyone. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about boundaries and about how to support you in social situations. You shouldn't be made to feel like you are on display or a piece of meat on the auction block -- he should have your back and make you feel loved and supported in the ways that matter for you.
That said, if your change in body shape is recent, he's going to need time to adjust just like you are. There's going to be some errors and missteps along the way, and as long as there is love and communication that's ok.
posted by Forktine at 6:40 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Have you talked about this with your husband? He is part of the problem--the guy who told co-workers how "hot" his wife is--and needs to be part of the solution.
I really agree with this. I don't go around telling my coworkers how hot my wife is, and I've almost never heard someone doing that. The one time I can think of, it was super awkward because she wasn't very cute, and everyone had to pretend to make the guy feel ok, and it was just awful for everyone. I think you need to have a serious talk with him about boundaries and about how to support you in social situations. You shouldn't be made to feel like you are on display or a piece of meat on the auction block -- he should have your back and make you feel loved and supported in the ways that matter for you.
That said, if your change in body shape is recent, he's going to need time to adjust just like you are. There's going to be some errors and missteps along the way, and as long as there is love and communication that's ok.
posted by Forktine at 6:40 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
When faced with an unwanted proposition or out-of-line comments about my body/sexuality/whatever, I use a shocked, uptight 1940s voice to say to the offender, "I'm a married woman!"
If it's joking sorts of things I might say, "I'll tell my husband you said so" or "Uh oh, better not say that where my husband can hear you, he's 6'4" and angry!" or "All right, let's talk about something other than my boobs, new topic." Or of course, "You're charming, but I'm married." Whatever.
But the "I'm a married woman!" thing works great when said in a shocked tone, and when I feel a line has been crossed, that's where I go. Most people apologize and drop it, and only rarely have I had someone take offense about it. I think because I sound like their grandmother when I say it (but I'm not directly calling them out) they don't hold a grudge about it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:16 PM on August 23, 2010
If it's joking sorts of things I might say, "I'll tell my husband you said so" or "Uh oh, better not say that where my husband can hear you, he's 6'4" and angry!" or "All right, let's talk about something other than my boobs, new topic." Or of course, "You're charming, but I'm married." Whatever.
But the "I'm a married woman!" thing works great when said in a shocked tone, and when I feel a line has been crossed, that's where I go. Most people apologize and drop it, and only rarely have I had someone take offense about it. I think because I sound like their grandmother when I say it (but I'm not directly calling them out) they don't hold a grudge about it.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:16 PM on August 23, 2010
The best disarm line is this: "I'm certain you're not suggesting that I cheat on my husband. I love him and I would never do that. I would not take you for that class of person."
What's he gonna say in his reply, "I'm an asshole?"
posted by Ironmouth at 8:30 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
What's he gonna say in his reply, "I'm an asshole?"
posted by Ironmouth at 8:30 PM on August 23, 2010 [1 favorite]
Defend yourself (or ask your husband to) when you feel that you've been addressed inappropriately.
Don't lead the guy on, as you've been doing. If him wants to fly you to NY on his dollar, then let him, but tell him that you'll bring your husband along, too.
posted by jayne at 9:43 PM on August 23, 2010
Don't lead the guy on, as you've been doing. If him wants to fly you to NY on his dollar, then let him, but tell him that you'll bring your husband along, too.
posted by jayne at 9:43 PM on August 23, 2010
As a number of people have mentioned in this thread, there are a couple of issues at play here (your husband's coworkers; Roberto; your attractiveness and your comfort level with it), and you'd do well to pick them apart and deal with them separately. That being said, there's also a thread throughout, and, unless I'm mistaken, it looks like it's a thread that runs through a number of your other AskMe questions. It seems like you have a great outlook on the world, and that you're both optimistic and upbeat. And in many ways, it seems like things are going really well for you, especially as compared with 2 or 3 years ago. But it also seems like there have been a number of occasions where you've either misread others' signals, or you've presented yourself in ways that other people aren't sure how to handle. Also, guilt seems to come up a lot. I'm concerned for you, that you're having a hard time reading people (and having a hard time giving clearly readable signs), and that whether because of guilt or a pre-emptive fear of guilt, or self-doubt, or something else entirely, you set yourself up to be manipulated in ways you don't want to be.
I don't know you, and so I really have no way of knowing what's going on. But if you have a good girlfriend who you feel is savvy and handles herself well around people, I'd encourage you to connect with her and get her input on this. Depending on what your husband is like, he could be really useful for this as well. As Jessamyn said above, he is your partner, and probably knows you better than anyone. (Also, it sounds like he loves you, and is proud of how attractive you are now. And he certainly has a vested interest in your relationship.)
On preview ... as I've read through some more of your past threads, you note that you've been in therapy over issues like these in the past. Are you in therapy now? It seems like the issues you've written about in this post are all issues that you'd do well to talk through with a counselor.
Also, it also sounds like you and your husband might benefit from talking with a counselor together. You were married before you became "officially hot"? Did he lose weight / do something to become correspondingly hot? (You don't really need to answer these questions. I'm just getting at this: I imagine a number of issues could arise from "planar-level-of-attractiveness" issues alone, and I think meeting with a couples' counselor would be good.) Meeting with a therapist now (when February is a long ways away, and isn't hovering) gives you a good amount of time to introduce whatever issues might be relevant regarding your concerns about meeting with Roberto in February. (I'd echo everyone who's said "don't meet him alone", as well as the people who said "take your husband along". Again, though, counseling.)
Just in case *I* have been sending hard-to-read signals: You certainly don't need to answer *any* of my questions. Any questions I asked were simply me, wondering aloud, about a whole host of dynamics present in your life — dynamics I can't interpret beyond what you've written. But I would encourage you to talk to your therapist, or to get a new therapist if you don't have one. And if your therapist does couples counseling, so much the better.
posted by Alt F4 at 9:53 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
I don't know you, and so I really have no way of knowing what's going on. But if you have a good girlfriend who you feel is savvy and handles herself well around people, I'd encourage you to connect with her and get her input on this. Depending on what your husband is like, he could be really useful for this as well. As Jessamyn said above, he is your partner, and probably knows you better than anyone. (Also, it sounds like he loves you, and is proud of how attractive you are now. And he certainly has a vested interest in your relationship.)
On preview ... as I've read through some more of your past threads, you note that you've been in therapy over issues like these in the past. Are you in therapy now? It seems like the issues you've written about in this post are all issues that you'd do well to talk through with a counselor.
Also, it also sounds like you and your husband might benefit from talking with a counselor together. You were married before you became "officially hot"? Did he lose weight / do something to become correspondingly hot? (You don't really need to answer these questions. I'm just getting at this: I imagine a number of issues could arise from "planar-level-of-attractiveness" issues alone, and I think meeting with a couples' counselor would be good.) Meeting with a therapist now (when February is a long ways away, and isn't hovering) gives you a good amount of time to introduce whatever issues might be relevant regarding your concerns about meeting with Roberto in February. (I'd echo everyone who's said "don't meet him alone", as well as the people who said "take your husband along". Again, though, counseling.)
Just in case *I* have been sending hard-to-read signals: You certainly don't need to answer *any* of my questions. Any questions I asked were simply me, wondering aloud, about a whole host of dynamics present in your life — dynamics I can't interpret beyond what you've written. But I would encourage you to talk to your therapist, or to get a new therapist if you don't have one. And if your therapist does couples counseling, so much the better.
posted by Alt F4 at 9:53 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by allseeingabstract at 1:50 PM on August 23, 2010 [2 favorites]