What can I do to help my severely depressed and overworked boyfriend?
August 17, 2010 4:26 PM Subscribe
What can I do to help my severely depressed and overworked boyfriend?
Over the course of the past 7 months, my boyfriend has become more and more depressed to the point where he believes that one day he will take his own life. He has no immediate plans for this, so he can't be forcibly taken to a facility. He goes to a psychiatrist once a week. The psychiatrist is very pro-active, but neither talk therapy or any of the medications has done much to help him. He has mentioned his intention to harm himself sometime in the future to his psychiatrist, but again since it's in the future, there's nothing that can be done against his will.
Despite the depression, he somehow manages to work 80+ hours a week in BigLaw. He hates his job, but feels like he can't leave it. I've suggested he try something less stressful, like a clerkship or some other type of 8-5 law job, but he doesn't think they pay enough (which is really frustrating because I earn far less than a clerkship pays and manage to survive).
We met before he had this job (about 1.5 years ago). He had taken a year off to have fun and travel. We used to see each other all the time and go on weekend trips and out to dinner several times a week. We also spent time at each other's houses just relaxing and joking around (we don't live together).
His job has reached a point where he can't do anything or go anywhere. When he isn't working, he spends long periods of time sobbing, so we rarely see each other. We have gone from seeing each other every day to just one a week.
Is there anything I can do for him? I check in with him at least once a day, but it's mainly so I can make sure he is OK and ask if he needs anything. He never asks me for anything though. I have offered to pick up groceries, dry cleaning, etc, but he turns me down.
I don't want to become a desperate person, which I am afraid I am becoming. I don't want to be a pathetic person begging for his time. If I stopped contacting him, I think he would disappear. If he were mentally healthy and stopped contacting me, I would write him off. He is depressed though. We had a strong relationship before he was depressed. Now, he is like a ghost.
These are my questions:
-Should I continue to keep in touch with him? Breaking up would be heartbreaking for me, but I am not the type of person who forces myself onto others. (I do not believe breaking up would drive him to hurt himself.)
-Is there anything I can do to show him I love him? He seems to turn down everything I offer.
-If we stay together, how can I stop feeling abandoned and lonely?
-Is it worth trying to convince him to leave his job?
Over the course of the past 7 months, my boyfriend has become more and more depressed to the point where he believes that one day he will take his own life. He has no immediate plans for this, so he can't be forcibly taken to a facility. He goes to a psychiatrist once a week. The psychiatrist is very pro-active, but neither talk therapy or any of the medications has done much to help him. He has mentioned his intention to harm himself sometime in the future to his psychiatrist, but again since it's in the future, there's nothing that can be done against his will.
Despite the depression, he somehow manages to work 80+ hours a week in BigLaw. He hates his job, but feels like he can't leave it. I've suggested he try something less stressful, like a clerkship or some other type of 8-5 law job, but he doesn't think they pay enough (which is really frustrating because I earn far less than a clerkship pays and manage to survive).
We met before he had this job (about 1.5 years ago). He had taken a year off to have fun and travel. We used to see each other all the time and go on weekend trips and out to dinner several times a week. We also spent time at each other's houses just relaxing and joking around (we don't live together).
His job has reached a point where he can't do anything or go anywhere. When he isn't working, he spends long periods of time sobbing, so we rarely see each other. We have gone from seeing each other every day to just one a week.
Is there anything I can do for him? I check in with him at least once a day, but it's mainly so I can make sure he is OK and ask if he needs anything. He never asks me for anything though. I have offered to pick up groceries, dry cleaning, etc, but he turns me down.
I don't want to become a desperate person, which I am afraid I am becoming. I don't want to be a pathetic person begging for his time. If I stopped contacting him, I think he would disappear. If he were mentally healthy and stopped contacting me, I would write him off. He is depressed though. We had a strong relationship before he was depressed. Now, he is like a ghost.
These are my questions:
-Should I continue to keep in touch with him? Breaking up would be heartbreaking for me, but I am not the type of person who forces myself onto others. (I do not believe breaking up would drive him to hurt himself.)
-Is there anything I can do to show him I love him? He seems to turn down everything I offer.
-If we stay together, how can I stop feeling abandoned and lonely?
-Is it worth trying to convince him to leave his job?
I only feel able to address your third question.
He hates his job, but feels like he can't leave it. I've suggested he try something less stressful, like a clerkship or some other type of 8-5 law job, but he doesn't think they pay enough
It sounds like he feels trapped primarily by financial concerns. I could see how this would be depressing. It also sounds like he has ambitious, but not necessarily clearly-specified financial goals. Maybe you could recommend he talk to a financial planner or accountant? If he had more concrete and specific financial goals, and he is as financially secure as you consider him, maybe on the basis of this better information he would re-evaluate his need for his job and consider other opportunities elsewhere.
posted by doteatop at 5:11 PM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
He hates his job, but feels like he can't leave it. I've suggested he try something less stressful, like a clerkship or some other type of 8-5 law job, but he doesn't think they pay enough
It sounds like he feels trapped primarily by financial concerns. I could see how this would be depressing. It also sounds like he has ambitious, but not necessarily clearly-specified financial goals. Maybe you could recommend he talk to a financial planner or accountant? If he had more concrete and specific financial goals, and he is as financially secure as you consider him, maybe on the basis of this better information he would re-evaluate his need for his job and consider other opportunities elsewhere.
posted by doteatop at 5:11 PM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Is there any way of convincing him to work fewer hours?
If he insists on working at BigLaw, that's not going to be an option.
When he isn't working, he spends long periods of time sobbing, so we rarely see each other.
That's bizarre. Have you talked to him about his depression and suggested that he speak to a professional?
posted by amro at 5:14 PM on August 17, 2010
If he insists on working at BigLaw, that's not going to be an option.
When he isn't working, he spends long periods of time sobbing, so we rarely see each other.
That's bizarre. Have you talked to him about his depression and suggested that he speak to a professional?
posted by amro at 5:14 PM on August 17, 2010
I figured he was in big law before reading [more inside]. Law school selects for pessimists (which makes practical sense) and, as a result, there are lots of people in circumstances similar to your boyfriend. To make things worse, I think Big law is a sick system.
This post on Legal Underground got lots of attention when it was originally written back in 2005 and it points to lots of resources (and the comments may give you some insight into why this is such a problem with lawyers). This blog may also give you some insights.
I wish I could offer more in response to your specific questions. Best of luck.
posted by ajr at 5:25 PM on August 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
This post on Legal Underground got lots of attention when it was originally written back in 2005 and it points to lots of resources (and the comments may give you some insight into why this is such a problem with lawyers). This blog may also give you some insights.
I wish I could offer more in response to your specific questions. Best of luck.
posted by ajr at 5:25 PM on August 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
That's bizarre. Have you talked to him about his depression and suggested that he speak to a professional?
She said he sees a psychiatrist weekly.
posted by 6:1 at 5:39 PM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
She said he sees a psychiatrist weekly.
posted by 6:1 at 5:39 PM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
The psychiatrist is probably addressing this with him, but it might help if you had a better understanding of it too: As depressed as you describe him, he probably feels like he doesn't *deserve* the love and support you are trying to give him; depression does that to a person. Hence, he rejects everything you're offering.
When someone's going through a really rough patch, I tend not to *offer* support, but simply to show up with it. That way they don't have a chance to first reject it, and then sit around feeling awful about how they didn't deserve it and beating themselves up for not deserving it. It's a pretty rotten spiral. So if I know someone's going to be too down or too tired to make dinner, for example, I'll show up with dinner. If they're too tired to want to spend time with me, I'll drop it off, tell 'em something positive ("we love ya!" "hope you're feeling better!" "hope things improve!") and take off again.
Sometimes they'll be up for company, too, and then it helps to break the depressive cycle to pull them out of their shell for a little while, sit and talk...or watch a movie...or play cards...something.
But in general, I'd suggest that he's turning down all your offers of help with the depression BECAUSE he is depressed; it's a kind of catch-22. If you could find a way to be supportive without giving him a chance to reject it beforehand, then it would probably be more help than you realize.
posted by galadriel at 6:50 PM on August 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
When someone's going through a really rough patch, I tend not to *offer* support, but simply to show up with it. That way they don't have a chance to first reject it, and then sit around feeling awful about how they didn't deserve it and beating themselves up for not deserving it. It's a pretty rotten spiral. So if I know someone's going to be too down or too tired to make dinner, for example, I'll show up with dinner. If they're too tired to want to spend time with me, I'll drop it off, tell 'em something positive ("we love ya!" "hope you're feeling better!" "hope things improve!") and take off again.
Sometimes they'll be up for company, too, and then it helps to break the depressive cycle to pull them out of their shell for a little while, sit and talk...or watch a movie...or play cards...something.
But in general, I'd suggest that he's turning down all your offers of help with the depression BECAUSE he is depressed; it's a kind of catch-22. If you could find a way to be supportive without giving him a chance to reject it beforehand, then it would probably be more help than you realize.
posted by galadriel at 6:50 PM on August 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Make sure his health care providers knows he is seriously suicidal.
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide
Being unemployed, underemployed, broke, in debt, etc., is way better than dead, or even just completely miserable. Really. Tell him that. Tell him you care about him and want him to live. Suggest hospitalization. Keep telling him you care about him and want him to live. Ask him to promise that he won't hurt himself. If he can't promise that, ask him to promise that he won't hurt himself for a week. and keep getting him to promise.
Sunshine, pets, and exercise are all beneficial to depressed people. Go on walks with him.
I always recommend this article, which had a profound influence on me. I've shared it w/ suicidal people, with positive effect. How Not to Commit Suicide.
good luck; he's lucky to have you.
posted by theora55 at 7:22 PM on August 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
http://www.suicide.org/suicide-warning-signs.html
http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-recognizing-signs-of-suicide
Being unemployed, underemployed, broke, in debt, etc., is way better than dead, or even just completely miserable. Really. Tell him that. Tell him you care about him and want him to live. Suggest hospitalization. Keep telling him you care about him and want him to live. Ask him to promise that he won't hurt himself. If he can't promise that, ask him to promise that he won't hurt himself for a week. and keep getting him to promise.
Sunshine, pets, and exercise are all beneficial to depressed people. Go on walks with him.
I always recommend this article, which had a profound influence on me. I've shared it w/ suicidal people, with positive effect. How Not to Commit Suicide.
good luck; he's lucky to have you.
posted by theora55 at 7:22 PM on August 17, 2010 [3 favorites]
Quiet support is the best thing I think you can offer. When he says "No, I don't need anything," figure out what you can do, and do it. Don't make a big deal about it, just do it. If you see the garbage needs to be taken out or the dishwasher needs to be emptied, just do it. I'm not saying become his maid, just offering those as types of things (because those are the two things I need to go do right now).
When I was seriously job depressed and doing the sobbing thing, Mr. M. would sometimes just sit next to me in a dark room for a little while. I never asked him to do it, but he didn't want me to be alone. He knew he couldn't fix it but he needed to do something. It helped.
If he's still in this cycle I might suggest that his therapy is not helping him, or that he needs to go more often. I agree that sleep and a nice steak and a glass of wine would also help almost just as much.
You could help by offering to help him to put a budget together. Sometimes talking through it out loud with someone else makes you see things you didn't see before. Tell him, "It's none of my business but I'm good at pinching pennies and I wonder if I couldn't help you figure out something creative with your finances" even if you're terrible at budgeting and have never pinched a penny in your life.
Part of it may also be that his dream was to work for BigLaw and he thought he knew what he was getting into and now he's here and he's miserable and can't handle it and he's panicking because he can't see anything else for himself, sees himself as a failure, etc.
posted by micawber at 8:44 PM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
When I was seriously job depressed and doing the sobbing thing, Mr. M. would sometimes just sit next to me in a dark room for a little while. I never asked him to do it, but he didn't want me to be alone. He knew he couldn't fix it but he needed to do something. It helped.
If he's still in this cycle I might suggest that his therapy is not helping him, or that he needs to go more often. I agree that sleep and a nice steak and a glass of wine would also help almost just as much.
You could help by offering to help him to put a budget together. Sometimes talking through it out loud with someone else makes you see things you didn't see before. Tell him, "It's none of my business but I'm good at pinching pennies and I wonder if I couldn't help you figure out something creative with your finances" even if you're terrible at budgeting and have never pinched a penny in your life.
Part of it may also be that his dream was to work for BigLaw and he thought he knew what he was getting into and now he's here and he's miserable and can't handle it and he's panicking because he can't see anything else for himself, sees himself as a failure, etc.
posted by micawber at 8:44 PM on August 17, 2010 [2 favorites]
Maybe convince him to take a weekend trip so he can remember again what it's like to feel relaxed, joy, freedom, life, etc? It's a tall order I know...dragging him away from his billable hour. There's a (maybe slim) chance it will help him realize that he does need to be making a Biglaw salary to live. It's amazing what staring at the ocean can do for me. As for student loans, they're not easy especially if he hasn't consolidated them and/or switched them out to a lower interest rate than what the rape-y private lenders are charging. If you know anything about his loans, it would be helpful to post since there are ways to lower the rate at least.
On the other hand, it's entirely possible he's conjured up the financial abyss that will befall him as soon as he steps off the hamster wheel of Biglaw. Or if he's spending more than he should to make up for his misery, maybe talk to him about that.
If he's the type that can be persuaded by articles, editorials, etc., I support others' suggestion to clip some articles about how other lawyers got off the hamster wheel. abajournal.com probably has an archive of these. There are plenty of articles on lawyers who quit to start businesses (even a cupcake truck in NYC) and became happy. A lot of the problem is due to his lack of imagination and courage...certain types of legal practice or a workplace culture can do this to a person.
posted by KimikoPi at 9:43 PM on August 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
On the other hand, it's entirely possible he's conjured up the financial abyss that will befall him as soon as he steps off the hamster wheel of Biglaw. Or if he's spending more than he should to make up for his misery, maybe talk to him about that.
If he's the type that can be persuaded by articles, editorials, etc., I support others' suggestion to clip some articles about how other lawyers got off the hamster wheel. abajournal.com probably has an archive of these. There are plenty of articles on lawyers who quit to start businesses (even a cupcake truck in NYC) and became happy. A lot of the problem is due to his lack of imagination and courage...certain types of legal practice or a workplace culture can do this to a person.
posted by KimikoPi at 9:43 PM on August 17, 2010 [1 favorite]
Seconding what galadriel and micawber said. He's turning down your help because he's depressed and feels like he doesn't deserve it. Some of the best things my boyfriend did for me when I was severely depressed were just basic household chores. He did the dishes, took out the trash, helped me straighten things up, and basically get things back to a manageable level so that I didn't feel so overwhelmed.
If I were you I would also be more insistent about seeing him. My friends would pester me until I agreed to go out with them or let them come over. Their persistence made me feel loved, not annoyed. It's a lot harder to spend your evenings sobbing when there's someone else with you. You could call him up, make sure he's home, and then tell him, "I'm coming over with dinner and a movie for the two of us."
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 7:33 AM on August 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
If I were you I would also be more insistent about seeing him. My friends would pester me until I agreed to go out with them or let them come over. Their persistence made me feel loved, not annoyed. It's a lot harder to spend your evenings sobbing when there's someone else with you. You could call him up, make sure he's home, and then tell him, "I'm coming over with dinner and a movie for the two of us."
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 7:33 AM on August 18, 2010 [1 favorite]
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posted by heyho at 4:56 PM on August 17, 2010