Did I make a mistake, are my standards too high?
August 15, 2010 11:10 AM Subscribe
I made the right decision here right? Or my standards too high and I'll die lonely, missed by no one?
(This is long, I'm sorry) I also appreciate the persons who've posted answers to my previous 2 questions, and hope that this doesn't come across as more of the same.
So my last relation ended, the young lady is now engaged, and that's been the topic of my previous two questions. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and am trying not to repeat the same questions.
The 7 months of the relationship were very stressful for both of us, and I knew to myself that it could not last. There were many things I was unhappy with, but there were things I liked too.
Things I was unhappy with:
1. Two months into the relationship, I felt that it didn't have a long future. I told her this, and explained I don't feel that it will go a long way, and I'm sorry, but I would just like to be honest with her and maybe we should stop seeing each other so often etc. This started about 5 weeks of arguing, where she constantly brought up how much she did for me when I came up here, helping me with paperwork, getting stuff for my apartment etc. I explained that I was tremendously grateful for her help, but she shouldn't keep bringing this up every time we argue, it's not fair. Eventually I was tired of arguing and just went along with the relationship.
2. Basically every night it was an argument about how long our conversations would last. At the first, we used to talk every night on the phone for an hour. After a while, some nights I just felt like going to bed after work without a long conversation about nothing at all, while she'd want to talk for at least an hour. Many nights I would get upset because when I'd say I'd like to go now, she'd say "no you can't go I want to talk to you" and I do admit I would get upset and say mean things. She would end up crying on the phone many nights, and we would both be very unhappy. Towards the end, she admitted that she basically picked fights with me just so that we could stay on the phone.
3. She was very possessive. On only very few occasions did I go out with my own friends or family, and those times she kept texting me while I was out, starting an argument, when all I did was tell her I'm out with some friends/family and I can't talk right now, I'll call when I get home. One night I was watching a movie with my sister and 2 cousins, and I had to excuse myself four times to answer her calls. This was exhausting.
4. I used to date (for a long time) the daugther of a family friend. It didn't end well, but as they were our neighbours and my parents really good friends, I continued to talk with the parents from time to time when I'd visit home. When they were passing through the city I'm in right now, we got in touch and I said they could feel free to visit at my home one afternoon. The ex-gf would not believe that this had nothing to do with the girl I dated a few years ago, an insisted that if they visit, she should be at my home home also while they were there. I told her this was very strange, all I'm doing is entertaining two guests for an hour or so. This was a huge argument where I got accused of of still seeing their daughter, and didn't stop till the couple moved on to their final destination a week later.
5. I would not get any breathing space in the relationship. Every time she had a few spare moments, she would call me or text me or want me to spend the night at her apartment. This pressure to spend the nights even continued when my parents finally came to visit me in my new city, even though I explained that I'm close with them and don't want to spend the night out often at the start, spending what amounts to the entire afternoon and night out and then coming home the next day after work. I felt very smothered.
6. One day I told her that I was expecting a nice new wallet in the mail that I had ordered a couple days ago, and she then asks me why I didn't tell her that I ordered it. So I told her that I forgot, and that I wasn't comfortable with the expectation that I had to relay every single thing I do to her.
7. Among my small circle of friends is a girl I went to school with, let's call her T. I've never had a relationship with this friend, or thought about it or said anything remotely close to displaying interest in her. Yet my exgf exerted a lot of pressure to have me not see T, and said that she didn't even want me to go out in a group once T was there, even though T and a mutual guy friend have a (somewhat rocky) relationship. I asked myself if these are the demands now, what would happen when we were married?
8. Towards the end, she admitted that she thought she'd be able to change my mind about what I wanted in the relationship, and then said "if you don't want to get married to me, why are you with me?" We had never even exchanged "I love you" with each other, and she was talking about marriage. When I asked her to compromise, let's talk about it seriously in a year, that 7 months was too soon, she said she can't wait a whole year to get married, and she can't change her behaviour because she wants someone who will spend 100% of their time with her, and who she'll spend 100% of her time with.
In the interest of full disclosure, she had nice qualities too. She helped me out a lot when I got here, when I did spend the nights she'd make me breakfast, pack lunch for me, made sure I got to my bus on time and would wait till I got picked up. She also used to drive pretty long distances to see me and spend time with me.
Since the relationship has ended (and then she got engaged 3 weeks later to I don't know who), I have been doing a lot of thinking.
She was such a huge presence in my life, now that she's gone I am having a lot of trouble being on my own. I know I can do it, I've done it before, but it's really difficult. Now I have no confidence, and am so insecure because I'm just obssessed about thoughts of finding the right person and getting married.
Was I right to be adamant that it was too soon to get married? Are all the things I listed dealbreakers?
Should I have just settled and gotten married (I just turned 27)? Did I make a big mistake, and will I be lonely for the rest of my life? Are all women like this?
Right now I just feel that I'll probably never meet someone has the nice qualities, but without all of the bad things I listed above. Maybe I have too high standards, because look how quickly she found someone to get married to.
I just feel tremendously depressed. My entire family is here visiting me now, they know about it, and I am trying to have fun with them and enjoy their presence. Sometimes I'm scared I need a girlfriend to make my life complete.
This is also affecting my work (at a highly prized 6 month internship) that I can't afford to mess up.
(This is long, I'm sorry) I also appreciate the persons who've posted answers to my previous 2 questions, and hope that this doesn't come across as more of the same.
So my last relation ended, the young lady is now engaged, and that's been the topic of my previous two questions. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and am trying not to repeat the same questions.
The 7 months of the relationship were very stressful for both of us, and I knew to myself that it could not last. There were many things I was unhappy with, but there were things I liked too.
Things I was unhappy with:
1. Two months into the relationship, I felt that it didn't have a long future. I told her this, and explained I don't feel that it will go a long way, and I'm sorry, but I would just like to be honest with her and maybe we should stop seeing each other so often etc. This started about 5 weeks of arguing, where she constantly brought up how much she did for me when I came up here, helping me with paperwork, getting stuff for my apartment etc. I explained that I was tremendously grateful for her help, but she shouldn't keep bringing this up every time we argue, it's not fair. Eventually I was tired of arguing and just went along with the relationship.
2. Basically every night it was an argument about how long our conversations would last. At the first, we used to talk every night on the phone for an hour. After a while, some nights I just felt like going to bed after work without a long conversation about nothing at all, while she'd want to talk for at least an hour. Many nights I would get upset because when I'd say I'd like to go now, she'd say "no you can't go I want to talk to you" and I do admit I would get upset and say mean things. She would end up crying on the phone many nights, and we would both be very unhappy. Towards the end, she admitted that she basically picked fights with me just so that we could stay on the phone.
3. She was very possessive. On only very few occasions did I go out with my own friends or family, and those times she kept texting me while I was out, starting an argument, when all I did was tell her I'm out with some friends/family and I can't talk right now, I'll call when I get home. One night I was watching a movie with my sister and 2 cousins, and I had to excuse myself four times to answer her calls. This was exhausting.
4. I used to date (for a long time) the daugther of a family friend. It didn't end well, but as they were our neighbours and my parents really good friends, I continued to talk with the parents from time to time when I'd visit home. When they were passing through the city I'm in right now, we got in touch and I said they could feel free to visit at my home one afternoon. The ex-gf would not believe that this had nothing to do with the girl I dated a few years ago, an insisted that if they visit, she should be at my home home also while they were there. I told her this was very strange, all I'm doing is entertaining two guests for an hour or so. This was a huge argument where I got accused of of still seeing their daughter, and didn't stop till the couple moved on to their final destination a week later.
5. I would not get any breathing space in the relationship. Every time she had a few spare moments, she would call me or text me or want me to spend the night at her apartment. This pressure to spend the nights even continued when my parents finally came to visit me in my new city, even though I explained that I'm close with them and don't want to spend the night out often at the start, spending what amounts to the entire afternoon and night out and then coming home the next day after work. I felt very smothered.
6. One day I told her that I was expecting a nice new wallet in the mail that I had ordered a couple days ago, and she then asks me why I didn't tell her that I ordered it. So I told her that I forgot, and that I wasn't comfortable with the expectation that I had to relay every single thing I do to her.
7. Among my small circle of friends is a girl I went to school with, let's call her T. I've never had a relationship with this friend, or thought about it or said anything remotely close to displaying interest in her. Yet my exgf exerted a lot of pressure to have me not see T, and said that she didn't even want me to go out in a group once T was there, even though T and a mutual guy friend have a (somewhat rocky) relationship. I asked myself if these are the demands now, what would happen when we were married?
8. Towards the end, she admitted that she thought she'd be able to change my mind about what I wanted in the relationship, and then said "if you don't want to get married to me, why are you with me?" We had never even exchanged "I love you" with each other, and she was talking about marriage. When I asked her to compromise, let's talk about it seriously in a year, that 7 months was too soon, she said she can't wait a whole year to get married, and she can't change her behaviour because she wants someone who will spend 100% of their time with her, and who she'll spend 100% of her time with.
In the interest of full disclosure, she had nice qualities too. She helped me out a lot when I got here, when I did spend the nights she'd make me breakfast, pack lunch for me, made sure I got to my bus on time and would wait till I got picked up. She also used to drive pretty long distances to see me and spend time with me.
Since the relationship has ended (and then she got engaged 3 weeks later to I don't know who), I have been doing a lot of thinking.
She was such a huge presence in my life, now that she's gone I am having a lot of trouble being on my own. I know I can do it, I've done it before, but it's really difficult. Now I have no confidence, and am so insecure because I'm just obssessed about thoughts of finding the right person and getting married.
Was I right to be adamant that it was too soon to get married? Are all the things I listed dealbreakers?
Should I have just settled and gotten married (I just turned 27)? Did I make a big mistake, and will I be lonely for the rest of my life? Are all women like this?
Right now I just feel that I'll probably never meet someone has the nice qualities, but without all of the bad things I listed above. Maybe I have too high standards, because look how quickly she found someone to get married to.
I just feel tremendously depressed. My entire family is here visiting me now, they know about it, and I am trying to have fun with them and enjoy their presence. Sometimes I'm scared I need a girlfriend to make my life complete.
This is also affecting my work (at a highly prized 6 month internship) that I can't afford to mess up.
It sounds like you two just were not at all matched for each other. I can understand the fear of being alone (which most people have), but clearly this person did not work for you. It sounds like you need more time to establish your own self -- how you work, your personality, your goals, etc. on your own -- so that you don't feel you need someone else to be a complete person. And probably a huge part of that is that you still just need more time to get over your ex.
posted by kosmonaut at 11:21 AM on August 15, 2010
posted by kosmonaut at 11:21 AM on August 15, 2010
I doubt this is the whole picture, but she sounds pretty co-dependent. You were right to be prudent. No, all women are not like that. In fact I'd say the vast majority of women are not like that.
You will not die alone. You are way too young to be having such catastrophic thoughts. Do not let your fear of being alone be a signifcant factor in staying in any relationship.
There is a lesson you can learn from this, though. Examine your own part of the relationship as it sounds like you might need to do a better job of defining and defending proper boundaries for yourself. It takes two to have a codependent relationship. So it can be better next time, maybe work on your own potential codependent issues. Maybe some help with a therapist, or some assertiveness, conflict communication skills training.
posted by cross_impact at 11:27 AM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
You will not die alone. You are way too young to be having such catastrophic thoughts. Do not let your fear of being alone be a signifcant factor in staying in any relationship.
There is a lesson you can learn from this, though. Examine your own part of the relationship as it sounds like you might need to do a better job of defining and defending proper boundaries for yourself. It takes two to have a codependent relationship. So it can be better next time, maybe work on your own potential codependent issues. Maybe some help with a therapist, or some assertiveness, conflict communication skills training.
posted by cross_impact at 11:27 AM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Being in love with someone and wanting to get married does NOT equal controlling and monitoring every aspect of that person's life. Her forcing you to stay on the phone to say mean things to you, getting mad because you didn't tell her about the wallet in the mail, etc. are childish, controlling behaviors.
It sounds to me as though the nice things she did - making you lunch, going long distances to visit, making sure you got on a bus - are things a mother does for a child, and unfortunately, some women fall into a pattern of "mothering" their significant others in a misguided attempt to make themselves indispensable to the guy in question. You see, if she does everything FOR you, logically, that means you can't function properly without her, right? But that's not love, and it's a very immature view of what traditional male/female roles entail.
You seem to enjoy your time with family and friends; why is this not enough? If you were UNHAPPILY married, you'd be asking people on the green if it's normal to be married to someone who does X, Y and Z for you, but is essentially verbally abusing you, doesn't trust you, and won't let you have a second of alone time for any reason whatsoever.
You will find someone to love and marry, maybe not next week or in a month, but you will. And when you do, it'll be natural and easy, and you will forget this time of self-doubt and loneliness. It's hard to be patient.
You keep making generalizations about "all women" and this getting married at 27 thing. As a woman, I have been in relationships where I knew it wouldn't last and that the interest was not mutually equal. I haven't wanted to marry every boyfriend I've ever had, so your ex is hardly representative of all women.
You are dealing with "the devil you know" syndrome; you weren't happy, but at least you knew what you were getting. Now you're facing the unknown. Not knowing the future, and being alone, is scary. Give it time, you'll adjust.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:43 AM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds to me as though the nice things she did - making you lunch, going long distances to visit, making sure you got on a bus - are things a mother does for a child, and unfortunately, some women fall into a pattern of "mothering" their significant others in a misguided attempt to make themselves indispensable to the guy in question. You see, if she does everything FOR you, logically, that means you can't function properly without her, right? But that's not love, and it's a very immature view of what traditional male/female roles entail.
You seem to enjoy your time with family and friends; why is this not enough? If you were UNHAPPILY married, you'd be asking people on the green if it's normal to be married to someone who does X, Y and Z for you, but is essentially verbally abusing you, doesn't trust you, and won't let you have a second of alone time for any reason whatsoever.
You will find someone to love and marry, maybe not next week or in a month, but you will. And when you do, it'll be natural and easy, and you will forget this time of self-doubt and loneliness. It's hard to be patient.
You keep making generalizations about "all women" and this getting married at 27 thing. As a woman, I have been in relationships where I knew it wouldn't last and that the interest was not mutually equal. I haven't wanted to marry every boyfriend I've ever had, so your ex is hardly representative of all women.
You are dealing with "the devil you know" syndrome; you weren't happy, but at least you knew what you were getting. Now you're facing the unknown. Not knowing the future, and being alone, is scary. Give it time, you'll adjust.
posted by Unicorn on the cob at 11:43 AM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
You did the absolute right thing. You will not end up alone, most likely, unless it's by your choice, which is entirely possible.
Even knowing we only got one side of the story here, I have to say, you seem to have dodged a bullet here.
What you need is a change in perspective. By being free from such an emotional vampire, you are now free to find someone you actually enjoy being with. Who you look forward to talking to. Who doesn't keep track and use the things she does for you as currency to create an obligation on your side. Women like that are out there, and now you are free, without guilt, to find them. Good luck. Have FUN. This is supposed to be fun, you know, meeting and getting to know new and fascinating people. And now you can!
posted by lemniskate at 11:46 AM on August 15, 2010
Even knowing we only got one side of the story here, I have to say, you seem to have dodged a bullet here.
What you need is a change in perspective. By being free from such an emotional vampire, you are now free to find someone you actually enjoy being with. Who you look forward to talking to. Who doesn't keep track and use the things she does for you as currency to create an obligation on your side. Women like that are out there, and now you are free, without guilt, to find them. Good luck. Have FUN. This is supposed to be fun, you know, meeting and getting to know new and fascinating people. And now you can!
posted by lemniskate at 11:46 AM on August 15, 2010
You will not die alone. You are way too young to be having such catastrophic thoughts.
This - just reading this was kind of exhausting, and, if it's the whole story, you definitely made the right choice.
There are many, many women out there who won't hound you relentlessly when you want to spend a night with your friends or family. Who will want their own space and won't expect or demand 100% of your time.
Since the relationship has ended (and then she got engaged 3 weeks later to I don't know who), I have been doing a lot of thinking.
That is food for thought. My guess? She had someone on the side / back burner while she was with you. Sounds like you really dodged a bullet here.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:49 AM on August 15, 2010
This - just reading this was kind of exhausting, and, if it's the whole story, you definitely made the right choice.
There are many, many women out there who won't hound you relentlessly when you want to spend a night with your friends or family. Who will want their own space and won't expect or demand 100% of your time.
Since the relationship has ended (and then she got engaged 3 weeks later to I don't know who), I have been doing a lot of thinking.
That is food for thought. My guess? She had someone on the side / back burner while she was with you. Sounds like you really dodged a bullet here.
posted by ryanshepard at 11:49 AM on August 15, 2010
Best answer: You know how everyone in the last question you posted said some version of "you dodged a bullet"? Well, you did. This was a terrible relationship, at least from what you've told us, and I hope that you've learned things from it. And it sounds like you have, and it sounds like you know you made the right decision but you don't feel like you made the right decision. That will come in time, but you have to wait it out.
Two months into the relationship, I felt that it didn't have a long future. I told her this, and explained I don't feel that it will go a long way, and I'm sorry, but I would just like to be honest with her and maybe we should stop seeing each other so often etc. This started about 5 weeks of arguing...
As the folksy, country-bred granddad I pretend I have used to say: If you're going to shoot the horse, don't do it in the knee. Don't bring up "we don't have a future" unless you're a) leading it into "which is why we're breaking up here and now" or b) "which is why we need to fix things so that it will." Anything else just leads you into, well, five weeks of guilt and getting harangued and arguing and lands you in broken-up territory anyway. Hopefully you've learned that now. I'm not pounding on you, of course. You'll never meet anyone who made all the right moves in a relationship, and plenty of us stay in them past the expiration date. But you gotta learn from your mistakes.
Are all the things I listed dealbreakers?
I don't know, man, are they? You sound pretty miserable about all of them, and none of them sound like the "she gargles too loud in the morning" sort of problem. Did you want to face a constant, battering wave of "marry me" until you did? Did you want to get married and spend the rest of your life being unable to have female friends and spend your time feeling smothered and under scrutiny?
In the interest of full disclosure, she had nice qualities too. She helped me out a lot when I got here, when I did spend the nights she'd make me breakfast, pack lunch for me, made sure I got to my bus on time and would wait till I got picked up. She also used to drive pretty long distances to see me and spend time with me.
Certainly these are nice qualities, but how often do you hear a happily married man say that he's glad he married her because she packs him lunch? Those "nice qualities" seem to be more pleasant extensions of the scrutiny and micromanaging she extended toward your relationships.
Anyway, you've got some self-esteem issues and that is okay. We all do. Have you considered seeing someone to just talk about them? Someone who will tell you that it is okay to have certain feelings and feel certain ways? You need someone like that in your life (hell, most of us do,) and that is the role a therapist would play.
posted by griphus at 11:53 AM on August 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
Two months into the relationship, I felt that it didn't have a long future. I told her this, and explained I don't feel that it will go a long way, and I'm sorry, but I would just like to be honest with her and maybe we should stop seeing each other so often etc. This started about 5 weeks of arguing...
As the folksy, country-bred granddad I pretend I have used to say: If you're going to shoot the horse, don't do it in the knee. Don't bring up "we don't have a future" unless you're a) leading it into "which is why we're breaking up here and now" or b) "which is why we need to fix things so that it will." Anything else just leads you into, well, five weeks of guilt and getting harangued and arguing and lands you in broken-up territory anyway. Hopefully you've learned that now. I'm not pounding on you, of course. You'll never meet anyone who made all the right moves in a relationship, and plenty of us stay in them past the expiration date. But you gotta learn from your mistakes.
Are all the things I listed dealbreakers?
I don't know, man, are they? You sound pretty miserable about all of them, and none of them sound like the "she gargles too loud in the morning" sort of problem. Did you want to face a constant, battering wave of "marry me" until you did? Did you want to get married and spend the rest of your life being unable to have female friends and spend your time feeling smothered and under scrutiny?
In the interest of full disclosure, she had nice qualities too. She helped me out a lot when I got here, when I did spend the nights she'd make me breakfast, pack lunch for me, made sure I got to my bus on time and would wait till I got picked up. She also used to drive pretty long distances to see me and spend time with me.
Certainly these are nice qualities, but how often do you hear a happily married man say that he's glad he married her because she packs him lunch? Those "nice qualities" seem to be more pleasant extensions of the scrutiny and micromanaging she extended toward your relationships.
Anyway, you've got some self-esteem issues and that is okay. We all do. Have you considered seeing someone to just talk about them? Someone who will tell you that it is okay to have certain feelings and feel certain ways? You need someone like that in your life (hell, most of us do,) and that is the role a therapist would play.
posted by griphus at 11:53 AM on August 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
I think it's pretty clear that she wasn't right for you. But, perhaps, she was just the thing someone else is looking for. It doesn't mean you've made a horrible mistake at all. Say, you have a job that you absolutely hate (for me, that would probably be some high pressure sales position) and you decide to leave. Within a few weeks, someone else is hired and seems really successful. Does that mean you made a huge mistake? Definitely not. Your skills sets and comfort levels weren't right for the demands of the job, you will clearly be happier in a different position. And, provided you don't expect to be paid triple figues for surfing the internet all day, no doubt you will find a job that makes you happier.
And speaking of expectations, I think it's important to remember that all relationships are different - and you might respond differently to a different person. For instance, I used to cringe when an ex-boyfriend wanted to talk for more than a few minutes. When future Mr. Brambory came along, suddenly I was a little annoyed when I had to interrupt a movie with friends to talk with him for hours, but that feeling was far overwhelmed by excitement and happiness that he'd called. The person I was talking to changed how I felt about their behaviours.
So, in summation, this particular relationship clearly did not have enough positives to outweigh the negatives for you and the particular person clearly didn't fit you well enough. You seem to have given it a good try, but realised that you didn't want to spend the next fifty years in that particular relationship. All of this seems healthy and bodes well for your future happiness. You made the right choice - you deserve to be in a relationship that for you has more positives than negatives. So, pat yourself on the back and relax!
posted by brambory at 11:55 AM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
And speaking of expectations, I think it's important to remember that all relationships are different - and you might respond differently to a different person. For instance, I used to cringe when an ex-boyfriend wanted to talk for more than a few minutes. When future Mr. Brambory came along, suddenly I was a little annoyed when I had to interrupt a movie with friends to talk with him for hours, but that feeling was far overwhelmed by excitement and happiness that he'd called. The person I was talking to changed how I felt about their behaviours.
So, in summation, this particular relationship clearly did not have enough positives to outweigh the negatives for you and the particular person clearly didn't fit you well enough. You seem to have given it a good try, but realised that you didn't want to spend the next fifty years in that particular relationship. All of this seems healthy and bodes well for your future happiness. You made the right choice - you deserve to be in a relationship that for you has more positives than negatives. So, pat yourself on the back and relax!
posted by brambory at 11:55 AM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Did I make a big mistake,
No.
and will I be lonely for the rest of my life?
No.
Are all women like this?
Thank God, no.
posted by benzenedream at 11:55 AM on August 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
No.
and will I be lonely for the rest of my life?
No.
Are all women like this?
Thank God, no.
posted by benzenedream at 11:55 AM on August 15, 2010 [8 favorites]
It's pretty obvious that you didn't like her that much. It's nearly as obvious that she was cheating on you. Do you really wonder if you should have married her?
posted by spaltavian at 11:59 AM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by spaltavian at 11:59 AM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
One last thing. Every time you find yourself asking the following question: "are all women like this?" the answer will be "no." Not all women are like anything, if you're talking about attitudes or lifestyles or the way they treat you. Yes, you will see patterns, but those patterns will emerge because you will find yourself attracted to certain characteristics (your "type" in the non-physical sense) and will gravitate toward those sorts of women. It's the textbook definition of confirmation bias.
posted by griphus at 12:00 PM on August 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 12:00 PM on August 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
Best answer: 1. Two months into the relationship, I felt that it didn't have a long future. I told her this, and explained I don't feel that it will go a long way, and I'm sorry, but I would just like to be honest with her and maybe we should stop seeing each other so often etc. This started about 5 weeks of arguing, where she constantly brought up how much she did for me when I came up here, helping me with paperwork, getting stuff for my apartment etc. I explained that I was tremendously grateful for her help, but she shouldn't keep bringing this up every time we argue, it's not fair. Eventually I was tired of arguing and just went along with the relationship.
She's not the only one who sounds co-dependent here. If you knew early on that it wasn't a relationship you wanted to be in for the long haul, why did you participate in the arguing? You need to think about what your boundaries are, and how to do a better job of keeping them.
Being alone is better than being with someone you don't want to be with. Being alone also doesn't mean Being Alone Forever. It means being alone - and using that time to really think about what you want in a relationship and from a partner (rather than just wanting to be in a relationship, any relationship) - until you find someone you really connect with.
posted by rtha at 12:02 PM on August 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
She's not the only one who sounds co-dependent here. If you knew early on that it wasn't a relationship you wanted to be in for the long haul, why did you participate in the arguing? You need to think about what your boundaries are, and how to do a better job of keeping them.
Being alone is better than being with someone you don't want to be with. Being alone also doesn't mean Being Alone Forever. It means being alone - and using that time to really think about what you want in a relationship and from a partner (rather than just wanting to be in a relationship, any relationship) - until you find someone you really connect with.
posted by rtha at 12:02 PM on August 15, 2010 [4 favorites]
Are all women like this? Right now I just feel that I'll probably never meet someone has the nice qualities, but without all of the bad things I listed above. Maybe I have too high standards, because look how quickly she found someone to get married to
Not all women are like this. You must know that, right? Right? Because if you truly think it's possible that ALL women are like this, based on your previous experience with girlfriends, friends, family, etc, you really need to do something to figure out what that's about. Does your mom act like that with your dad? Sisters? Your friend T, with the rocky relationship - is it rocky because she acts like your ex-GF? If you see any woman in your life NOT acting like her, then you have your answer. There are women out there that are secure and stable and will be good for you instead of stressing you out, you just haven't found one yet. And waiting around for that kind of relationship does not mean you have too high standards, it means you are looking for a healthy relationship.
posted by coupdefoudre at 12:13 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Not all women are like this. You must know that, right? Right? Because if you truly think it's possible that ALL women are like this, based on your previous experience with girlfriends, friends, family, etc, you really need to do something to figure out what that's about. Does your mom act like that with your dad? Sisters? Your friend T, with the rocky relationship - is it rocky because she acts like your ex-GF? If you see any woman in your life NOT acting like her, then you have your answer. There are women out there that are secure and stable and will be good for you instead of stressing you out, you just haven't found one yet. And waiting around for that kind of relationship does not mean you have too high standards, it means you are looking for a healthy relationship.
posted by coupdefoudre at 12:13 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
You've already been told that she is the weird one. She wanted to marry anybody, not marry you. You are lucky to be rid of her. Seriously, we can only say it so many times, and so many people said it in the last thread that I hope you're finally starting to believe it.
Maybe you have religious or cultural pressure on you to find a wife, but I think you need to try hard to tune it out. I have a feeling you have not been exposed to the whole Western notion that men should avoid being tied down young because they only get better with age (see George Clooney, et al.) Since you are a man you don't need to rush to beat an ovarian expiration date, and your prime coupling years are probably still ahead of you. You're only now in an internship, so just think of the extra confidence and earnings you will have in five years when your career is going full steam. Take care of yourself (sunscreen, exercise and eat well), and you will probably be every bit as attractive physically in five years with the added bonus of being more mature and financially stable. That will make you a better catch to many women, and you will probably have a better shot at a lasting marriage if you wait.
posted by slow graffiti at 12:25 PM on August 15, 2010
Maybe you have religious or cultural pressure on you to find a wife, but I think you need to try hard to tune it out. I have a feeling you have not been exposed to the whole Western notion that men should avoid being tied down young because they only get better with age (see George Clooney, et al.) Since you are a man you don't need to rush to beat an ovarian expiration date, and your prime coupling years are probably still ahead of you. You're only now in an internship, so just think of the extra confidence and earnings you will have in five years when your career is going full steam. Take care of yourself (sunscreen, exercise and eat well), and you will probably be every bit as attractive physically in five years with the added bonus of being more mature and financially stable. That will make you a better catch to many women, and you will probably have a better shot at a lasting marriage if you wait.
posted by slow graffiti at 12:25 PM on August 15, 2010
Best answer: You need to date more women. You have no basis of comparison to come on here and start with "oh god ALL WOMEN ARE LIKE THIS, I WILL DIE ALONNNEEE AND UNLOVED AT THE ANCIENT AGE OF 27".
No, seriously, dude.
Do you have friends? Like, dude friends? Guys that you know? If you don't have any, you need some, and you need those before you get yourself another girlfriend. You need some local sounding boards. If you were chatting about girl problems with your pals you would get a better picture as to what women are and aren't like, instead of building this ONE woman up in your head into some monster representation of what all women are like OH GOD THEY ARE HORRID.
What I don't see in any of this is your admitting your responsibility in this relationship. You knew it didn't have potential? So why didn't you break up, or set boundaries, or make it non-exclusive?
I don't think she was cheating on you. I know plenty of guys who rebound from one relationship in which they told the woman that they were never going to get married and six weeks later they're walking around with a woman with a ring on her finger. People rebound and do stupid things.
Sometimes I'm scared I need a girlfriend to make my life complete.
You need to make your life complete. If things are missing, then get hobbies, meet people, make friends, join clubs, do something more than sitting on the internet. Seriously, I read some of your other questions and I think a lot of your problems are caused because you don't have anything else to do except sit around and ruminate on all of these things over and over and over until they make you crazy. Do you exercise? What do you do for fun? Please, go do more of those things, a lot, fill you time. It will get you out of your house and out of your head and it will help you meet normal women who are interested in things you are interested in. Some of them you will just date; some of them you will date for a while; and maybe, some day, you will get married to one. And maybe you'll be single for a while. But until you have a strong sense of yourself, you'll always feel like you're walking on glass in relationships.
posted by micawber at 12:29 PM on August 15, 2010 [11 favorites]
No, seriously, dude.
Do you have friends? Like, dude friends? Guys that you know? If you don't have any, you need some, and you need those before you get yourself another girlfriend. You need some local sounding boards. If you were chatting about girl problems with your pals you would get a better picture as to what women are and aren't like, instead of building this ONE woman up in your head into some monster representation of what all women are like OH GOD THEY ARE HORRID.
What I don't see in any of this is your admitting your responsibility in this relationship. You knew it didn't have potential? So why didn't you break up, or set boundaries, or make it non-exclusive?
I don't think she was cheating on you. I know plenty of guys who rebound from one relationship in which they told the woman that they were never going to get married and six weeks later they're walking around with a woman with a ring on her finger. People rebound and do stupid things.
Sometimes I'm scared I need a girlfriend to make my life complete.
You need to make your life complete. If things are missing, then get hobbies, meet people, make friends, join clubs, do something more than sitting on the internet. Seriously, I read some of your other questions and I think a lot of your problems are caused because you don't have anything else to do except sit around and ruminate on all of these things over and over and over until they make you crazy. Do you exercise? What do you do for fun? Please, go do more of those things, a lot, fill you time. It will get you out of your house and out of your head and it will help you meet normal women who are interested in things you are interested in. Some of them you will just date; some of them you will date for a while; and maybe, some day, you will get married to one. And maybe you'll be single for a while. But until you have a strong sense of yourself, you'll always feel like you're walking on glass in relationships.
posted by micawber at 12:29 PM on August 15, 2010 [11 favorites]
I think the reason you miss her is the same reason people who quit smoking still reach for their ciggarettes when they sit down in front of the TV. She became a habit, something you were used to having around. Now that the habit is gone you're feeling the let down.
I say give it some more time. Try to focus more on your internship. Take care of yourself. Treat the relationship like you would getting over any other bad habit.
P.S. No, not all women are like that. Yes, you will find somebody else. No, you shouldn't have married her. Just like a ciggarette is poison, this relationship was toxic. She found somebody else abnormally quickly and that says volumes more about her than it does you.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:38 PM on August 15, 2010
I say give it some more time. Try to focus more on your internship. Take care of yourself. Treat the relationship like you would getting over any other bad habit.
P.S. No, not all women are like that. Yes, you will find somebody else. No, you shouldn't have married her. Just like a ciggarette is poison, this relationship was toxic. She found somebody else abnormally quickly and that says volumes more about her than it does you.
posted by TooFewShoes at 12:38 PM on August 15, 2010
Speaking only to the "I need a girlfriend to make my life complete" question: When Mr. KathrynT came along, he completed my life. I was incomplete without him; I became complete with him. Great, right? Except that's totally unhealthy, and I got to spend a solid half a decade figuring out how to complete myself, WITHOUT breaking up with him, since I loved him. He spent two of those five years going to counseling with me, and figuring out in the process that he had a lot of his own self-completion to do.
I'm lucky. I was able to negotiate those rocky shoals and emerge, self-complete, with my relationship the stronger for it. It took the right guy and the right shrink, both. If it's at all possible, I would *strongly* recommend trying to self-complete BEFORE you meet the love of your life.
(also, just fyi: if a large enough majority of the women you're involved with -- family, girlfriends, whatever -- are this kind of co-dependent clinging person, it's not that all women are like this. It's that you are the common factor, and you are choosing women like this. Figure out your reasons why you're doing that.)
posted by KathrynT at 12:47 PM on August 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
I'm lucky. I was able to negotiate those rocky shoals and emerge, self-complete, with my relationship the stronger for it. It took the right guy and the right shrink, both. If it's at all possible, I would *strongly* recommend trying to self-complete BEFORE you meet the love of your life.
(also, just fyi: if a large enough majority of the women you're involved with -- family, girlfriends, whatever -- are this kind of co-dependent clinging person, it's not that all women are like this. It's that you are the common factor, and you are choosing women like this. Figure out your reasons why you're doing that.)
posted by KathrynT at 12:47 PM on August 15, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Enough with the bean plating and naval gazing. It's not getting you anywhere. In many ways you really are asking the same question. I don't think combing over every scrape of detail from this relationship is going to give you the satisfaction you're after. Yes, you did the right thing. She sounds like a nightmare. Yes, you will not, in fact, shrivel and die without a girlfriend. Promise.
No one here can reassure you that you won't die alone. We mortals are not granted that certainty. Getting married and having children does not secure us that certainty.
The cozier you can get with that fact the happier you will be.
posted by space_cookie at 1:43 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
No one here can reassure you that you won't die alone. We mortals are not granted that certainty. Getting married and having children does not secure us that certainty.
The cozier you can get with that fact the happier you will be.
posted by space_cookie at 1:43 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Two months into the relationship, I felt that it didn't have a long future. I told her this....
If my SO had said that to me after two months into the relationship, I would have translated it as:
"We don't have a relationship, I'm just using you for sex." I then would have started to use you for sex and I would have started to look around for a better fit.
You did the right thing, she did the right thing; both of you just used each other for a few months.
posted by francesca too at 2:20 PM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
If my SO had said that to me after two months into the relationship, I would have translated it as:
"We don't have a relationship, I'm just using you for sex." I then would have started to use you for sex and I would have started to look around for a better fit.
You did the right thing, she did the right thing; both of you just used each other for a few months.
posted by francesca too at 2:20 PM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: You're going to obsess about this until you find a way to let go and move on, but as I said in my answer to your last question, you dodged a bullet here. You and her only dated a few months and she was pressuring you to marry her. She immediately got engaged to the next guy she met!
She's nuts.
You dodged a bullet.
The inevitable divorce isn't going to be yours.
Let that be the problem of the guy she got engaged to after just a few weeks.
You dodged a bullet.
A celebration is in order, not sorrow.
Seriously. If you're in Portland, memail me. I'll take you out for a beer tonight. You should be celebrating, not feeling sorry for yourself. You did the right thing and you've already seen proof your decision was right: she's instantly engaged to the very next guy she met. Let the inevitable divorce be his, not yours. Why am I so sure it won't work out? She pressured you to marry her. You said no. She's engaged to someone else within weeks. As a man, I read that and think YIKES!
You should be looking at this as a mistake you didn't make. Again, I say job well done sir!
posted by 2oh1 at 2:59 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
She's nuts.
You dodged a bullet.
The inevitable divorce isn't going to be yours.
Let that be the problem of the guy she got engaged to after just a few weeks.
You dodged a bullet.
A celebration is in order, not sorrow.
Seriously. If you're in Portland, memail me. I'll take you out for a beer tonight. You should be celebrating, not feeling sorry for yourself. You did the right thing and you've already seen proof your decision was right: she's instantly engaged to the very next guy she met. Let the inevitable divorce be his, not yours. Why am I so sure it won't work out? She pressured you to marry her. You said no. She's engaged to someone else within weeks. As a man, I read that and think YIKES!
You should be looking at this as a mistake you didn't make. Again, I say job well done sir!
posted by 2oh1 at 2:59 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
"I think I'll give myself another day or so, and after that seriously put this relationship in the past and stop bean plating it, that does no good."
Perfect!
"And recently I've been making a big effort to reach out more to my friends, and find activities to take up more of my time, an excellent suggestion mentioned by someone above."
Yes, yes yesyesyesyesyes!!!! I can't stress strongly enough how good of an idea that is. Make some time for developing hobbies, interests or learning something new. Try painting, or photography. Learn to dance. Maybe start exercising more? I don't know. Do whatever inspires you. You'll learn more about yourself, and you'll gain self confidence too. Plus, you can use hobbies and interests as a vehicle for meeting new people who enjoy similar things.
"I used to be content being single. I need to find that place again."
Absolutely. That is very important. The trick is to be complete as a person rather than need someone to complete you. That way, when you DO find someone special to be in a relationship with, you'll be together for the right reasons. Your relationship is more likely to be successful, and you'll be more likely to be happy.
Very best of luck to you.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:18 PM on August 15, 2010
Perfect!
"And recently I've been making a big effort to reach out more to my friends, and find activities to take up more of my time, an excellent suggestion mentioned by someone above."
Yes, yes yesyesyesyesyes!!!! I can't stress strongly enough how good of an idea that is. Make some time for developing hobbies, interests or learning something new. Try painting, or photography. Learn to dance. Maybe start exercising more? I don't know. Do whatever inspires you. You'll learn more about yourself, and you'll gain self confidence too. Plus, you can use hobbies and interests as a vehicle for meeting new people who enjoy similar things.
"I used to be content being single. I need to find that place again."
Absolutely. That is very important. The trick is to be complete as a person rather than need someone to complete you. That way, when you DO find someone special to be in a relationship with, you'll be together for the right reasons. Your relationship is more likely to be successful, and you'll be more likely to be happy.
Very best of luck to you.
posted by 2oh1 at 3:18 PM on August 15, 2010
Best answer: "Are all the things I listed dealbreakers?"
Let's see:
1. Yes. You knew from the beginning that you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with her. Her response was to emotionally blackmail you as if organizing your paperwork ought to mean your life was hers to do what she wanted with. [However, you didn't complete your statement by ending the relationship, which implicitly put her in a demeaning position. Not everyone responds with dignity to being demeaned. A self-respecting woman would have turned on her heel and left; since she didn't, you then found yourself in a relationship with a woman who didn't respect herself or you. Not saying her behaviour is your fault, but it might help you to learn to evaluate the signs of respect and contempt in any relationship.]
2. Yes. You didn't get along, and she was prepared to do whatever it took to get your attention regardless of your need for basic necessities such as rest.
3. Yes. She insisted on getting your full attention at all times, at the expense of other important relationships in your life.
4. Yes. See 3), plus unreasonable jealousy.
5. Yes. See 3).
6. Yes. This kind of constant surveillance sounds literally paranoid to me.
7. Yes. See, 3), 4), and 5).
8. Yes. You could turn around the question "if you don't want to get married to me, why are you with me?" and ask "if having any relationship at all with you naturally commits me to marrying you, why are you so obsessive about it?" Marriage is a lifelong commitment, dating isn't, if everyone were honour bound to marry someone just because they dated them then we would be living on another planet, one where your ex gf presumably would have been a lot happier. However, see 1): you led her on by not breaking up with her when you wanted to. So from then on she was in the position of trying to maintain a relationship with someone who didn't want to be in it, and she apparently didn't have any better response in her repertoire than frantic, relentless controlling.
"We had never even exchanged 'I love you'" - well, apparently you didn't love each other.
"When I asked her to compromise, let's talk about it seriously in a year, that 7 months was too soon, she said she can't wait a whole year to get married" - geeeeeeeeeeeezzzzz
"and she can't change her behaviour because she wants someone who will spend 100% of their time with her, and who she'll spend 100% of her time with" - what's frightening about this is it sounds like she wasn't exaggerating.
"In the interest of full disclosure, she had nice qualities too. She helped me out a lot when I got here" - yeah, in return for your SOUL.
"when I did spend the nights she'd make me breakfast" - So? Wouldn't you make breakfast for an overnight guest of any kind whatsoever? Even one who was a distant acquaintance? So you had an intimate relationship with her and she showed you at least as much courtesy as you would for someone you barely knew?
"pack lunch for me, made sure I got to my bus on time and would wait till I got picked up" - if you were seven, and she were your mommy or babysitter, I'd say she was doing her duty. You're an adult, and any one of these things might be an act of kindness, but all three put together sounds like she's not treating you like an adult.
"She also used to drive pretty long distances to see me and spend time with me." - Well, yeah, because spending 100% of her time with you was her goal, it's not surprising she would go to great lengths to spend time with you. It's not exactly a sacrifice. And you didn't drive long distances to get to her, presumably because you didn't want to get to her.
"(and then she got engaged 3 weeks later to I don't know who)" - so husbands are a fungible commodity to her, then. It doesn't matter who she's with, so long as she can rustle up an engagement at lightning speed.
"now that she's gone I am having a lot of trouble being on my own" - you make it sound like you've been in jail and are now having trouble adjusting to life on the outside.
"I'm just obssessed about thoughts of finding the right person and getting married."
So you're healthier than your ex gf. She isn't obsessed with finding the right person - only with getting married. You want to find the right person FIRST. But I think you have to do some self-examination and work on being the right person also. I know everybody on MeFi yells "therapy!" if someone so much as posts a question about how to fix the chain on their bike. But it sounds like you do need some kind of therapy or coaching here.
"Are all women like this?" - Are you seriously asking this question? I think you are. What in your life has led you to believe that all women are Kathy Bates in Misery? What about your other female friends - do you think they're like this? I'm sure you know they aren't. But if you could convince yourself that they were, then you would never have any trouble getting a girlfriend because there would always be someone available to you, even if she were a completely dysfunctional psycho who was single because all the sane guys had run screaming from the room as soon as they clapped eyes on you. So if you have absolutely no standards whatsoever, the answer to your question "and will I be lonely for the rest of my life?" is "no" (depending, of course, on how you define loneliness).
However, the answer to your questions "Should I have just settled and gotten married (I just turned 27)? Did I make a big mistake" is and always will be: HELL NO.
You did the right thing and, come on, you know this really.
posted by tel3path at 4:11 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
Let's see:
1. Yes. You knew from the beginning that you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with her. Her response was to emotionally blackmail you as if organizing your paperwork ought to mean your life was hers to do what she wanted with. [However, you didn't complete your statement by ending the relationship, which implicitly put her in a demeaning position. Not everyone responds with dignity to being demeaned. A self-respecting woman would have turned on her heel and left; since she didn't, you then found yourself in a relationship with a woman who didn't respect herself or you. Not saying her behaviour is your fault, but it might help you to learn to evaluate the signs of respect and contempt in any relationship.]
2. Yes. You didn't get along, and she was prepared to do whatever it took to get your attention regardless of your need for basic necessities such as rest.
3. Yes. She insisted on getting your full attention at all times, at the expense of other important relationships in your life.
4. Yes. See 3), plus unreasonable jealousy.
5. Yes. See 3).
6. Yes. This kind of constant surveillance sounds literally paranoid to me.
7. Yes. See, 3), 4), and 5).
8. Yes. You could turn around the question "if you don't want to get married to me, why are you with me?" and ask "if having any relationship at all with you naturally commits me to marrying you, why are you so obsessive about it?" Marriage is a lifelong commitment, dating isn't, if everyone were honour bound to marry someone just because they dated them then we would be living on another planet, one where your ex gf presumably would have been a lot happier. However, see 1): you led her on by not breaking up with her when you wanted to. So from then on she was in the position of trying to maintain a relationship with someone who didn't want to be in it, and she apparently didn't have any better response in her repertoire than frantic, relentless controlling.
"We had never even exchanged 'I love you'" - well, apparently you didn't love each other.
"When I asked her to compromise, let's talk about it seriously in a year, that 7 months was too soon, she said she can't wait a whole year to get married" - geeeeeeeeeeeezzzzz
"and she can't change her behaviour because she wants someone who will spend 100% of their time with her, and who she'll spend 100% of her time with" - what's frightening about this is it sounds like she wasn't exaggerating.
"In the interest of full disclosure, she had nice qualities too. She helped me out a lot when I got here" - yeah, in return for your SOUL.
"when I did spend the nights she'd make me breakfast" - So? Wouldn't you make breakfast for an overnight guest of any kind whatsoever? Even one who was a distant acquaintance? So you had an intimate relationship with her and she showed you at least as much courtesy as you would for someone you barely knew?
"pack lunch for me, made sure I got to my bus on time and would wait till I got picked up" - if you were seven, and she were your mommy or babysitter, I'd say she was doing her duty. You're an adult, and any one of these things might be an act of kindness, but all three put together sounds like she's not treating you like an adult.
"She also used to drive pretty long distances to see me and spend time with me." - Well, yeah, because spending 100% of her time with you was her goal, it's not surprising she would go to great lengths to spend time with you. It's not exactly a sacrifice. And you didn't drive long distances to get to her, presumably because you didn't want to get to her.
"(and then she got engaged 3 weeks later to I don't know who)" - so husbands are a fungible commodity to her, then. It doesn't matter who she's with, so long as she can rustle up an engagement at lightning speed.
"now that she's gone I am having a lot of trouble being on my own" - you make it sound like you've been in jail and are now having trouble adjusting to life on the outside.
"I'm just obssessed about thoughts of finding the right person and getting married."
So you're healthier than your ex gf. She isn't obsessed with finding the right person - only with getting married. You want to find the right person FIRST. But I think you have to do some self-examination and work on being the right person also. I know everybody on MeFi yells "therapy!" if someone so much as posts a question about how to fix the chain on their bike. But it sounds like you do need some kind of therapy or coaching here.
"Are all women like this?" - Are you seriously asking this question? I think you are. What in your life has led you to believe that all women are Kathy Bates in Misery? What about your other female friends - do you think they're like this? I'm sure you know they aren't. But if you could convince yourself that they were, then you would never have any trouble getting a girlfriend because there would always be someone available to you, even if she were a completely dysfunctional psycho who was single because all the sane guys had run screaming from the room as soon as they clapped eyes on you. So if you have absolutely no standards whatsoever, the answer to your question "and will I be lonely for the rest of my life?" is "no" (depending, of course, on how you define loneliness).
However, the answer to your questions "Should I have just settled and gotten married (I just turned 27)? Did I make a big mistake" is and always will be: HELL NO.
You did the right thing and, come on, you know this really.
posted by tel3path at 4:11 PM on August 15, 2010 [2 favorites]
I think this relationship wasn't meant to last, but you might take a look at what exactly you do want and how much you want to share with someone.
It's easy to say she was co-dependent or crazy or clingy, but as men pull away, women often try to hang on tighter. Women (not all, of course) often get comfort in sharing the details of their day--your not telling her about the wallet does seem sort of withholding. Men think women talk to have men solve their problems, but it's not so. Women talk because the back and forth conversation is bonding and comforting.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:34 PM on August 15, 2010
It's easy to say she was co-dependent or crazy or clingy, but as men pull away, women often try to hang on tighter. Women (not all, of course) often get comfort in sharing the details of their day--your not telling her about the wallet does seem sort of withholding. Men think women talk to have men solve their problems, but it's not so. Women talk because the back and forth conversation is bonding and comforting.
posted by Ideefixe at 5:34 PM on August 15, 2010
Best answer: Same as we told you last time. You're lucky. She's a loose cannon. You are hurting now because she had totally enveloped your life and now you're back in it in a healthy way, it's a time of confusion is all.
Gut it up. "But it hurts." Yep, it does. "Hey, the water, it is wet, the rocks, they are hard." So do you accept those facts or moan about them? Your call of course, I hope you accept it -- "Hey, I'm hurting, but I'm doing the right thing, onward!" -- and keep on keeping on.
Gut it up. Give it up. Suffering accepted hurts way less than suffering struggled against.
Let. Go.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:38 PM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Gut it up. "But it hurts." Yep, it does. "Hey, the water, it is wet, the rocks, they are hard." So do you accept those facts or moan about them? Your call of course, I hope you accept it -- "Hey, I'm hurting, but I'm doing the right thing, onward!" -- and keep on keeping on.
Gut it up. Give it up. Suffering accepted hurts way less than suffering struggled against.
Let. Go.
posted by dancestoblue at 11:38 PM on August 15, 2010 [1 favorite]
Sounds like you totally did the right thing. Telling her at the outset that you didn't see a future in the relationship and then expecting it to continue without some anger from her was a pretty dodgy thing to do on your part, but it sounds like she did plenty of dodgy stuff herself. What you describe is not a healthy relationship and it's good that you're both out of it. And she was engaged three weeks after the two of you ended? Woah.
What you're feeling now is simply the normal pain and loneliness that follows the break-up of any lengthy intimate relationship. It'll pass. It'll pass more quickly if you get out and do things. Meet friends, talk, do something active... participate in life as much as you can. This has the twin benefit of reducing the amount of time you have for unhealthy brooding, and making it more likely that you'll move on and meet other people. And yeah, you're only 27. Bit early to be fretting about dying alone and unloved!
posted by Decani at 1:28 AM on August 16, 2010
What you're feeling now is simply the normal pain and loneliness that follows the break-up of any lengthy intimate relationship. It'll pass. It'll pass more quickly if you get out and do things. Meet friends, talk, do something active... participate in life as much as you can. This has the twin benefit of reducing the amount of time you have for unhealthy brooding, and making it more likely that you'll move on and meet other people. And yeah, you're only 27. Bit early to be fretting about dying alone and unloved!
posted by Decani at 1:28 AM on August 16, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
[...]
Was I right to be adamant that it was too soon to get married?
Yes - If you do not feel enthusiastic about getting married, you should not get married, therefore you did the right thing.
posted by Mike1024 at 11:14 AM on August 15, 2010 [4 favorites]