Be my friend and deal with my abandonment issues, please?
August 13, 2010 2:49 PM Subscribe
Why do I need a best friend? and... do I really?
Patsy was away for a month, and when she came back she didn't call me. I knew she was back because I ran into her at the supermarket.
She would have, but her old time friends happened to be in town so she was busy hanging out with them. I'm jealous.
...........................
I moved to a very small town 4 years ago, I didn't know anyone. After a year I met this woman in a very similar situation: English speaking, with kids the same age as my kids, coming from a big city, married with a guy from the small town: just like me! .... and in general with a very similar background. I'll refer to her as Patsy.
I almost instantly "fell in love"- in the sense that I stopped feeling so lonely and I really enjoyed and pursued her friendship. I enjoy having someone with whom I can speak English in our German-speaking town. Also, she's 8 years older than me and has been a mother for 2 years more than I, so she's a source of great advice, mommy-wise and in general. I suppose these are the reasons why I wanted to be friends with her. I liked that my kids could speak English outside the house as well.
We (Patsy, her husband and her kids and me, my husband and my kids) hang out a lot. Last year we even took a short vacation together.
I know many people now and have other acquaintances, but she is what I consider "my best friend" and I want it to be like that. (why? Why do I need a special Best Friend status with her? Is it because I'm needy and clingy and crazy? Why can't I just accept a normal friend-ish thing and what does normal mean?)
BUT:
Patsy doesn't see things the way I do. I'm sure she considers me a good friend, but not her best friend. I also have the impression that she considers my friendship a matter of convenience, because:
-She asks me favors often, and I'm always quite compliant, in general, I like helping if I can, whether it be drive 80 miles to pick up her sister at the airport, drive her to the airport, babysit her kids, hem her trousers, water her plants, etc.
-Her husband was in a dire situation in his old job and my husband managed to have him hired in his company, and now my husband is her husband's boss
-She's ultra competitive, and often makes me feel bad because we have a nicer car or a nicer hose than them. She makes me feel like I have to apologise for being "better off".
If I think of it, I feel used.
......
Now, she's not my lover nor my mother nor my daughter so it's not that she has to call me when she gets back from her holidays, but the thing is, I know she would have if these old time friends hadn't been in town. And that makes me angry because the message I get is: I have them, I don't need you, for now.
And this had me thinking a lot and it's the reason why I decided to ask the green, why am I even bothering to ask this question? Why can't I be indifferent to her shunning me? Why do I even see it as shunning? Can one go about life without a best friend?
Patsy was away for a month, and when she came back she didn't call me. I knew she was back because I ran into her at the supermarket.
She would have, but her old time friends happened to be in town so she was busy hanging out with them. I'm jealous.
...........................
I moved to a very small town 4 years ago, I didn't know anyone. After a year I met this woman in a very similar situation: English speaking, with kids the same age as my kids, coming from a big city, married with a guy from the small town: just like me! .... and in general with a very similar background. I'll refer to her as Patsy.
I almost instantly "fell in love"- in the sense that I stopped feeling so lonely and I really enjoyed and pursued her friendship. I enjoy having someone with whom I can speak English in our German-speaking town. Also, she's 8 years older than me and has been a mother for 2 years more than I, so she's a source of great advice, mommy-wise and in general. I suppose these are the reasons why I wanted to be friends with her. I liked that my kids could speak English outside the house as well.
We (Patsy, her husband and her kids and me, my husband and my kids) hang out a lot. Last year we even took a short vacation together.
I know many people now and have other acquaintances, but she is what I consider "my best friend" and I want it to be like that. (why? Why do I need a special Best Friend status with her? Is it because I'm needy and clingy and crazy? Why can't I just accept a normal friend-ish thing and what does normal mean?)
BUT:
Patsy doesn't see things the way I do. I'm sure she considers me a good friend, but not her best friend. I also have the impression that she considers my friendship a matter of convenience, because:
-She asks me favors often, and I'm always quite compliant, in general, I like helping if I can, whether it be drive 80 miles to pick up her sister at the airport, drive her to the airport, babysit her kids, hem her trousers, water her plants, etc.
-Her husband was in a dire situation in his old job and my husband managed to have him hired in his company, and now my husband is her husband's boss
-She's ultra competitive, and often makes me feel bad because we have a nicer car or a nicer hose than them. She makes me feel like I have to apologise for being "better off".
If I think of it, I feel used.
......
Now, she's not my lover nor my mother nor my daughter so it's not that she has to call me when she gets back from her holidays, but the thing is, I know she would have if these old time friends hadn't been in town. And that makes me angry because the message I get is: I have them, I don't need you, for now.
And this had me thinking a lot and it's the reason why I decided to ask the green, why am I even bothering to ask this question? Why can't I be indifferent to her shunning me? Why do I even see it as shunning? Can one go about life without a best friend?
No, you don't need a "best friend." It is, however, much healthier for you to have more than one friend. From what you're describing, it sounds like you have to rely on this woman for way too much of your social life, and that's why you're reacting so strongly when she blows you off.
posted by restless_nomad at 2:54 PM on August 13, 2010
posted by restless_nomad at 2:54 PM on August 13, 2010
To be blunt, you do *sound* needy, and Patsy sounds like she's happy to take advantage. I don't know either of you, obviously, but that's what I'm getting from your descriptions. Let Patsy do her own thing, and you do yours. If she could really drop you that quickly without some explanation, she really wasn't your best friend.
As for why you can't be indifferent - well, that's natural. You thought you two were closer than that, and she's shown you otherwise. It hurts. Give it time to pass and spend more time with your other acquaintances. And don't be a doormat ever again.
posted by katillathehun at 3:00 PM on August 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
As for why you can't be indifferent - well, that's natural. You thought you two were closer than that, and she's shown you otherwise. It hurts. Give it time to pass and spend more time with your other acquaintances. And don't be a doormat ever again.
posted by katillathehun at 3:00 PM on August 13, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: She's not your best friend. She doesn't think she is, and you don't either, not really. You like the idea of having a best friend, and there is nothing wrong with that. But you need to keep looking for someone who deserves your affection, time, and energy.
Living abroad is really exciting, but it is easy to get lonely for a familiar accent or culture. When I lived abroad, I had plenty of friends from the country in which I was living, but I did find myself socializing with the occasional westerner who spent time in our area. There is nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like the situation with Patsy is getting pretty complicated for both of you. You feel some resentment for how much she asks for your help and assistance, but at the same time, she has to feel some awkwardness for the debt of gratitude she owes you and your husband for getting her husband a job. Moreover, now you're not just Patsy's friend, but your also Patsy's Boss's wife. So. . .look for some new friends. And don't put huge amounts of pressure on the new relationships to be Significant (or to be your new Best Friend). Just be friends.
Twenty years ago, it might have been tough to find others with similar attributes in your town. These days, the internet should make it easy. You're looking for other English-speaking mothers, right?
Find some! Ask your embassy for help (if you live anywhere near the Embassy, a staffer can probably help you out- where we lived, folks from the American embassy actually had a few social groups they invited anyone who wanted to join), or a University where there might be often international long-term guests. Failing all that, create your own groups! Sign up for organizations that would allow you to welcome foreign guests when they visited your area, or create a book group for ex-pats.
Don't exclude your old friend, but don't pine for her. Good luck!
posted by arnicae at 3:03 PM on August 13, 2010
Living abroad is really exciting, but it is easy to get lonely for a familiar accent or culture. When I lived abroad, I had plenty of friends from the country in which I was living, but I did find myself socializing with the occasional westerner who spent time in our area. There is nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like the situation with Patsy is getting pretty complicated for both of you. You feel some resentment for how much she asks for your help and assistance, but at the same time, she has to feel some awkwardness for the debt of gratitude she owes you and your husband for getting her husband a job. Moreover, now you're not just Patsy's friend, but your also Patsy's Boss's wife. So. . .look for some new friends. And don't put huge amounts of pressure on the new relationships to be Significant (or to be your new Best Friend). Just be friends.
Twenty years ago, it might have been tough to find others with similar attributes in your town. These days, the internet should make it easy. You're looking for other English-speaking mothers, right?
Find some! Ask your embassy for help (if you live anywhere near the Embassy, a staffer can probably help you out- where we lived, folks from the American embassy actually had a few social groups they invited anyone who wanted to join), or a University where there might be often international long-term guests. Failing all that, create your own groups! Sign up for organizations that would allow you to welcome foreign guests when they visited your area, or create a book group for ex-pats.
Don't exclude your old friend, but don't pine for her. Good luck!
posted by arnicae at 3:03 PM on August 13, 2010
Best answer: It seems you both felt different about the friendship. It sounds like she enjoys your company, and that of your family, and that she appreciates having someone from a similar situation as her. It also appears that she views it in a slightly more utilitarian way than you - less of an emotional 'BFF 4EVA' bond, more of a mutually convenient friendship. She asks you for favours, but she is also a source of help and advice for you, so it's certainly not entirely one-sided.
Naturally then, when old friends come to town, she chooses to spend her time around people with whom she has a much longer and much stronger relationship than she does with you. There's nothing wrong with that, though it would have been nice if she'd been able to recognise that this would hurt you and at least call you or something.
I don't think she's done anything wrong - I think your frustration comes from the fact that you've been getting more (in the emotional sense) from this relationship than she has, and that's now coming to light.
So, to answer your question- I imagine it's hard for you to be indifferent because you're not indifferent, because you want her to value you the same way you value her. You see it as shunning because it is shunning, in the same way you may 'shun' an acquaintance from town to spend time with Patsy.
There's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling, and it may help you to reevaluate the relationship so you're not so emotionally invested in someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings of 'best friend'.
posted by twirlypen at 3:10 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Naturally then, when old friends come to town, she chooses to spend her time around people with whom she has a much longer and much stronger relationship than she does with you. There's nothing wrong with that, though it would have been nice if she'd been able to recognise that this would hurt you and at least call you or something.
I don't think she's done anything wrong - I think your frustration comes from the fact that you've been getting more (in the emotional sense) from this relationship than she has, and that's now coming to light.
So, to answer your question- I imagine it's hard for you to be indifferent because you're not indifferent, because you want her to value you the same way you value her. You see it as shunning because it is shunning, in the same way you may 'shun' an acquaintance from town to spend time with Patsy.
There's nothing wrong with the way you're feeling, and it may help you to reevaluate the relationship so you're not so emotionally invested in someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings of 'best friend'.
posted by twirlypen at 3:10 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Also .. you said her old friends were back in town. Isn't it natural for her to want to hang out with them while they're there? If they're just visiting for a little bit it seems pretty normal to me that she'd want to see them while she can.
That said, from your description she doesn't sound all that nice to me. Don't let her or anyone take advantage of your good nature and intentions.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:22 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
That said, from your description she doesn't sound all that nice to me. Don't let her or anyone take advantage of your good nature and intentions.
posted by Kangaroo at 3:22 PM on August 13, 2010 [1 favorite]
Even if she's not that close with the old friends, she doesn't have much opportunity to see them, so it makes sense for her to spend time with them when she can. I wouldn't put too much weight on this incident.
posted by amtho at 3:49 PM on August 13, 2010
posted by amtho at 3:49 PM on August 13, 2010
Best answer: FWIW, I would never ask anyone other than my best friend to help me with the items that you say Patsy asks you to do. I consider it a mark of true best-friendship that you know you are always there for the other person. If you are truly too busy to call, the other will understand. That being said, the tone of this post makes me think that while you truly value her friendship, you just don't have the best-friend factor. I actually think it's harder finding a best friend than a spouse/partner.
posted by ms.v. at 4:25 PM on August 13, 2010
posted by ms.v. at 4:25 PM on August 13, 2010
Best answer: I had to go back and re-read this because at first I couldn't figure out what Patsy had done wrong.
For me, when longtime out-of-town friends come to visit, it's a very big deal, and I tend to put lots of other things on hold. I'm not sure I'd have phoned my local "best friend" in that situation, either.
About other aspects of the friendship:
Asking for favors -- I hesitate to link to my own comment, but this might simply be an Ask versus Guess thing. (It's common for Guess-type people to feel "used" when they continually accede to Askers' requests.)
Material envy -- What do you mean by "making you feel bad" about mentioning your unequal circumstances? It's possible that she's being cruel or tactless, but I'm not sure that's the only explanation. Some people are very uncomfortable even acknowledging financial inequality, and if you're one of those people then it may "make you feel bad" whenever the subject arises at all. It can be tough to avoid the subject entirely, though. I've occasionally had to explain to friends -- not in an emotionally charged way, but just because they didn't know -- that a proposed activity or purchase wasn't on the table because I simply couldn't afford it. Expense-related griping is very difficult among people who aren't in equal financial positions. If you're the richer one, it's hard not to be embarrassed by the poorer one's complaints, or to hear a tone of judgement in them; if you're the poorer one, the rich person's complaints sound ludicrous -- or (at very least) tone-deaf.
I'm not sure what you're expecting of Patsy is realistic. She doesn't necessarily come off as the bad guy here, though she might be; the problem seems to be mostly that you think you need her more than she needs you, and that hurts. In any case, you really do need some more local, real-life social support; even if she were perfection itself she couldn't shoulder that entire responsibility alone.
posted by tangerine at 4:41 PM on August 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
For me, when longtime out-of-town friends come to visit, it's a very big deal, and I tend to put lots of other things on hold. I'm not sure I'd have phoned my local "best friend" in that situation, either.
About other aspects of the friendship:
Asking for favors -- I hesitate to link to my own comment, but this might simply be an Ask versus Guess thing. (It's common for Guess-type people to feel "used" when they continually accede to Askers' requests.)
Material envy -- What do you mean by "making you feel bad" about mentioning your unequal circumstances? It's possible that she's being cruel or tactless, but I'm not sure that's the only explanation. Some people are very uncomfortable even acknowledging financial inequality, and if you're one of those people then it may "make you feel bad" whenever the subject arises at all. It can be tough to avoid the subject entirely, though. I've occasionally had to explain to friends -- not in an emotionally charged way, but just because they didn't know -- that a proposed activity or purchase wasn't on the table because I simply couldn't afford it. Expense-related griping is very difficult among people who aren't in equal financial positions. If you're the richer one, it's hard not to be embarrassed by the poorer one's complaints, or to hear a tone of judgement in them; if you're the poorer one, the rich person's complaints sound ludicrous -- or (at very least) tone-deaf.
I'm not sure what you're expecting of Patsy is realistic. She doesn't necessarily come off as the bad guy here, though she might be; the problem seems to be mostly that you think you need her more than she needs you, and that hurts. In any case, you really do need some more local, real-life social support; even if she were perfection itself she couldn't shoulder that entire responsibility alone.
posted by tangerine at 4:41 PM on August 13, 2010 [4 favorites]
And you know, she did choose to introduce you to the friends she values from out of town. That does mean something.
posted by Omnomnom at 4:56 AM on August 16, 2010
posted by Omnomnom at 4:56 AM on August 16, 2010
« Older Box.net or DropBox open source alternatives? | Really hoping that the name 'permanent marker'... Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:53 PM on August 13, 2010 [2 favorites]