Herpes and swinging

August 12, 2010 11:51 AM

Is disclosing herpes in a personal ad for swinging partners a breach of etiquette? (probably nsfw)

Several years ago I read a post online from someone who claimed he had placed a personal ad on a swingers' website, in which he disclosed that he had herpes.

He said he received a strongly-worded email from a regular on the swinger site who told him that this sort of disclosure wasn't done.

They implied that there was an unspoken "don't ask, don't tell" expectation in swinger culture, as if it were simply accepted as a risk of the lifestyle but they didn't want people publicly disclosing so as not to reflect badly on the swinging community, or something.

Does anyone have any experience with this? Was somebody pulling somebody's leg or is this just common knowledge to those involved in the lifestyle? It seems far-fetched but back when I was looking into swinging I don't think I ever saw any explicit advice or rules to the contrary from swing clubs, mostly just stuff like "play at your own risk, condom use recommended." I've wondered about this for years.

Here's a throwaway email in case anyone wants it: [e-mail]

posted by anonymous to human relations (6 answers total)

i would not have open sexual relationships with multiple partners in a specific community that doesn't encourage disclosure.

no - not all swinging communities are like that.
posted by nadawi at 11:55 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

The morally correct choice here is blindingly obvious, regardless of whatever preexisting conventions happen to exist within the community.
posted by schmod at 12:04 PM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]

I don't think anon is looking for the morally correct choice, but is wondering whether swingers she or he meets are likely to disclose that they have herpes.
posted by wayland at 12:15 PM on August 12, 2010

To be clear, this isn't about whether there is pressure within the swinging community to keep people from practicing disclosure, but whether there is pressure to keep people from advertising their status publicly?

I think the time and place and context of disclosure should be up to the disclosee, which means it should neither be required that they advertise their status, nor that they refrain from doing so.
posted by hermitosis at 12:17 PM on August 12, 2010

fwiw - i was speaking from a position of knowledge - no, not all swinging communities discourage disclosure in ads or forums arranging hookups - and i would not be a member of a specific community (within the larger swinger community) that did discourage such things.
posted by nadawi at 12:30 PM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]

Consider that only one person responded that way, and that therefore it may be that one person's belief (or hope) that that's the norm, or an acceptable practice.
posted by Deja Stu at 1:39 PM on August 12, 2010