Now or later?
August 12, 2010 8:59 AM Subscribe
Break up today or next week?
My girlfriend of a month and I aren't doing so well. She thinks that things are a great but I don't. She constantly takes out her stress on me but cuts me zero slack when I am distracted by work stress on the rare occasion. And while I am willing to compromise on several things, she does not budge on the smallest things.
So I've decided it's best for both parties to break it off. However, I've been putting it off since her birthday is Sunday and I don't want to ruin the weekend for her by breaking up today or tomorrow. I think it would be somewhat cruel. But then again I feel like it would be best to get this over with so she can move on quickly. What should I do?
FWIW, I think she's great except that we as a couple are fundamentally incompatible. I've tried to talk this through with her but there is almost no give and take. It might be fine with a different person but not me.
My girlfriend of a month and I aren't doing so well. She thinks that things are a great but I don't. She constantly takes out her stress on me but cuts me zero slack when I am distracted by work stress on the rare occasion. And while I am willing to compromise on several things, she does not budge on the smallest things.
So I've decided it's best for both parties to break it off. However, I've been putting it off since her birthday is Sunday and I don't want to ruin the weekend for her by breaking up today or tomorrow. I think it would be somewhat cruel. But then again I feel like it would be best to get this over with so she can move on quickly. What should I do?
FWIW, I think she's great except that we as a couple are fundamentally incompatible. I've tried to talk this through with her but there is almost no give and take. It might be fine with a different person but not me.
My girlfriend of a month... OF A MONTH.
Do it today and enjoy your weekend.
posted by nineRED at 9:01 AM on August 12, 2010 [21 favorites]
Do it today and enjoy your weekend.
posted by nineRED at 9:01 AM on August 12, 2010 [21 favorites]
If you break up with her after her birthday, she'll feel like a chump for spending her birthday with someone who was about to break up with her.
Break up with her now so she can make other plans with her friends.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:03 AM on August 12, 2010 [12 favorites]
Break up with her now so she can make other plans with her friends.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 9:03 AM on August 12, 2010 [12 favorites]
Now. If you do it later, this is what could happen:
1) she senses something is wrong on her birthday and her birthday is ruined
2) she does not sense something wrong on her birthday, but you breaking up with her afterwards will put a cloud over any nice memories she has of it anyway.
Might as well do it now.
posted by millipede at 9:04 AM on August 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
1) she senses something is wrong on her birthday and her birthday is ruined
2) she does not sense something wrong on her birthday, but you breaking up with her afterwards will put a cloud over any nice memories she has of it anyway.
Might as well do it now.
posted by millipede at 9:04 AM on August 12, 2010 [5 favorites]
Do it now. If you wait she'll be wondering what the hell happened because in her mind you will have broken up with her "out of the blue" after having what seemed like a great time together on her birthday.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2010
Now.
I hope that in a month she's not become as attached to you as to be seriously hurt. It might be a total surprise to her, but with her birthday it'll be like a built in cheer-up/shot in the arm squad there to get her over it.
posted by fontophilic at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2010
I hope that in a month she's not become as attached to you as to be seriously hurt. It might be a total surprise to her, but with her birthday it'll be like a built in cheer-up/shot in the arm squad there to get her over it.
posted by fontophilic at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2010
Today is Thursday. Break up with her. She has whatever will be left of today to get over it. She'll have all of Friday and Saturday to get over it. She should be ready by Sunday to enjoy her birthday.
Really, it's a month. It's long enough to where you definitely need to do it face to face, but not overly long. Let her have fun with her birthday by not having her attached to you.
posted by theichibun at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2010
Really, it's a month. It's long enough to where you definitely need to do it face to face, but not overly long. Let her have fun with her birthday by not having her attached to you.
posted by theichibun at 9:10 AM on August 12, 2010
Now. Please do it now. I've dealt with girlfriends that put off the break-up for whatever reason (stressful test, etc). When I found out about it, it absolutely gutted me.
posted by SNWidget at 9:13 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by SNWidget at 9:13 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
You're not exactly serving her with divorce papers the day before your tenth wedding anniversary. Cut it off now just to get the stress off your back. She'll be fine.
posted by griphus at 9:20 AM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by griphus at 9:20 AM on August 12, 2010 [3 favorites]
She'll be fine. She'll be mopey but a birthday is a great excuse to have fun with your friends anyway and flirt with new boys at the bar or whatever it is she'll do to get your memory behind her.
Incidentally, if you got her a gift, do not give it to her. Not that you were necessarily planning on it, but this sometimes comes up when people are planning a breakup around a holiday or birthday. If you got her something, keep it to yourself and regift it, return it, or just accept that unnecessary spending is one of the hazards of life.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:36 AM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Incidentally, if you got her a gift, do not give it to her. Not that you were necessarily planning on it, but this sometimes comes up when people are planning a breakup around a holiday or birthday. If you got her something, keep it to yourself and regift it, return it, or just accept that unnecessary spending is one of the hazards of life.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:36 AM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Break up now. I am sure that she would rather know sooner than later. You do her no favors by waiting.
posted by grizzled at 9:45 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by grizzled at 9:45 AM on August 12, 2010
End it now. She might paint you as "the bad guy" who broke up with her right before her birthday but she'll get over it and you will too. It's been a month. Waiting a week would extend your relationship by 25%.
posted by Katine at 9:50 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by Katine at 9:50 AM on August 12, 2010
My now husband broke up with me (when we were first together) ON my birthday only because I knew something was wrong and pushed him to tell me. But I would not have done any better had it been before or after. So really the day does not matter - so just do it.
posted by shaarog at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by shaarog at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Oh man, I've been dumped the day before and the day after my birthday. They both sucked. The one that was the day after was worse, because it tainted my entire memory of the birthday.
Do it now.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2010
Do it now.
posted by punchtothehead at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2010
N'thing ASAP. One Month?--Seriously, I need longer than that to break in a new ChapStick.
posted by applemeat at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by applemeat at 10:15 AM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
I am the lone voice in the wilderness. I would wait until a week after her birthday. Especially if you are celebrating it with her. I would get her a modest gift too.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:20 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by JohnnyGunn at 10:20 AM on August 12, 2010
Do it tomorrow so she doesn't miss a day of work because she is upset. Avoid her until tomorrow just after work then tell her then leave.
posted by meepmeow at 10:21 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by meepmeow at 10:21 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Do it now, do it quickly, do it completely. It's only been a month, so fast, clean break is the best way, and then radio silence so she can internalize you as "that asshole" and move on.
posted by disillusioned at 10:21 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by disillusioned at 10:21 AM on August 12, 2010
Today. Not just today, but now. Pick up the phone.
posted by bilabial at 10:27 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by bilabial at 10:27 AM on August 12, 2010 [1 favorite]
Nthing do it today. I would be really pissed I wasted a birthday on a guy.
posted by vilandra at 10:51 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by vilandra at 10:51 AM on August 12, 2010
Agree with everyone - do it NOW, as in this minute, or else wait until a while after her birthday, a week minimum. If you wait, don't let on that you were already planning on breaking it off before her birthday.
posted by coupdefoudre at 11:05 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by coupdefoudre at 11:05 AM on August 12, 2010
You won't be able to maintain the charade. She'll know. Do it.
posted by micawber at 11:06 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by micawber at 11:06 AM on August 12, 2010
I would get her a modest gift too.
Only if it's something that would be enjoyable to smash. Do it now.
posted by robself at 11:12 AM on August 12, 2010
Only if it's something that would be enjoyable to smash. Do it now.
posted by robself at 11:12 AM on August 12, 2010
do it now, make it simple.
posted by lakersfan1222 at 11:21 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by lakersfan1222 at 11:21 AM on August 12, 2010
Clearly you do not want to be with her. So why prolong the misery?
posted by watercarrier at 11:28 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by watercarrier at 11:28 AM on August 12, 2010
i do NOT agree with getting her a gift/ going out with her on her bday because, yes, after the break up she will have the added pain (? how much pain? it's only been a month) of the fact that you went through the motions, happy memories were created, now she knows they were a lie.
if you're going to wait, i'd find a way to bail on her birthday. again, since you've been together such a short time, it's reasonable that you could have already had plans for that weekend or whatever. tell her to have a great time with her friends and don't worry about you. then, when you break up with her the following week, she is still basking in the happy glow of how great her friends are (not how great you are.) plus maybe she will already be annoyed that you missed her b-day so she won't be as hurt to see it end.
or, do it now. just please don't go through the motions to spare her feelings. that kind of stuff, once it's done to you, makes it harder to believe that other people aren't doing it to you later on.
posted by lblair at 11:56 AM on August 12, 2010
if you're going to wait, i'd find a way to bail on her birthday. again, since you've been together such a short time, it's reasonable that you could have already had plans for that weekend or whatever. tell her to have a great time with her friends and don't worry about you. then, when you break up with her the following week, she is still basking in the happy glow of how great her friends are (not how great you are.) plus maybe she will already be annoyed that you missed her b-day so she won't be as hurt to see it end.
or, do it now. just please don't go through the motions to spare her feelings. that kind of stuff, once it's done to you, makes it harder to believe that other people aren't doing it to you later on.
posted by lblair at 11:56 AM on August 12, 2010
Do it now. Here are some suggestions.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:21 PM on August 12, 2010
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 12:21 PM on August 12, 2010
You've heard it already, but just do it now.
Otherwise she'll be mad at having spent her birthday with you and then you left. She'll probably not like your gift after that, either.
Let her spend her birthday with someone else, and then you also don't have to awkwardly suffer it knowing what happens after. Everyone wins. Sorta. She might be upset, but not as mad as she'd be if you lead her on.
posted by vienaragis at 5:44 PM on August 12, 2010
Otherwise she'll be mad at having spent her birthday with you and then you left. She'll probably not like your gift after that, either.
Let her spend her birthday with someone else, and then you also don't have to awkwardly suffer it knowing what happens after. Everyone wins. Sorta. She might be upset, but not as mad as she'd be if you lead her on.
posted by vienaragis at 5:44 PM on August 12, 2010
Oh:
posted by waxbanks at 9:37 PM on August 13, 2010
So I've decided it's best forFixed that for you. I hope this is done already, I just thought the post merited a bit of snark. All this going-on over a month-long dating scene? It's no big deal. Neither of you is the other's True Love, because (1) A MONTH FOR GOD'S SAKE and (2) 'True Love' is bullshit. Say bye, cut out, have a good time on Sunday doing something else. These things don't matter too much in the grand scheme. Good luck, ya self-important little bastard! ;v)both partiesME!! to break it off.
posted by waxbanks at 9:37 PM on August 13, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:01 AM on August 12, 2010 [21 favorites]