How can I broach the topic of my own sexual satisfaction without upsetting my boyfriend who has erectile dysfunction?
August 11, 2010 6:53 PM Subscribe
How can I broach the topic of my own sexual satisfaction without upsetting my boyfriend who has erectile dysfunction?
My boyfriend has erectile dysfunction. He is in his late 20s (I am in my mid-30s) and my understanding is that he's fairly young to be having this issue. I suspect it is related to his somewhat poor health.
My impression is that even without the ED he is not the most libidinous type, although he has had previous sexual partners. I'm not terribly libidinous either, however currently there is absolutely no sexual activity in our relationship. We are emotionally and physically affectionate, with lots of cuddling and handholding and smooches, but beyond that we don't even to go first base. When I brought up the issue he explained that he can't get an erection and so is uninterested in sex. I know that ED is a potential minefield of bad feelings for men, so I didn't press the issue aside from (truthfully) saying that he is much more to me than just a wang.
However, more and more I wish we had a sexual element in our relationship. I really do have a low sex drive, but in my opinion a relationship can benefit from the intimacy that the occasional sweaty snugglebunnies provides. And I don't just mean Tab A in Slot B sex -- I'm open minded, I'm kinky (which he knows) and I would be totally happy with even the odd hot petting session.
So I guess my question is for people who have first-hand experience with ED in a relationship. Is it fair for me to ask for sexual stimuli occasionally, even if I know he can't have an erection? If so, do you think I can bring it up without making him feel like less of a man (which I would HATE to do)? Is it possible for someone with ED to still enjoy sexual activities, or is it just an exercise in frustration?
My boyfriend has erectile dysfunction. He is in his late 20s (I am in my mid-30s) and my understanding is that he's fairly young to be having this issue. I suspect it is related to his somewhat poor health.
My impression is that even without the ED he is not the most libidinous type, although he has had previous sexual partners. I'm not terribly libidinous either, however currently there is absolutely no sexual activity in our relationship. We are emotionally and physically affectionate, with lots of cuddling and handholding and smooches, but beyond that we don't even to go first base. When I brought up the issue he explained that he can't get an erection and so is uninterested in sex. I know that ED is a potential minefield of bad feelings for men, so I didn't press the issue aside from (truthfully) saying that he is much more to me than just a wang.
However, more and more I wish we had a sexual element in our relationship. I really do have a low sex drive, but in my opinion a relationship can benefit from the intimacy that the occasional sweaty snugglebunnies provides. And I don't just mean Tab A in Slot B sex -- I'm open minded, I'm kinky (which he knows) and I would be totally happy with even the odd hot petting session.
So I guess my question is for people who have first-hand experience with ED in a relationship. Is it fair for me to ask for sexual stimuli occasionally, even if I know he can't have an erection? If so, do you think I can bring it up without making him feel like less of a man (which I would HATE to do)? Is it possible for someone with ED to still enjoy sexual activities, or is it just an exercise in frustration?
When I've had this problem with partners we've tried cock rings and/or Viagra with mild success. They were able to enjoy sex even if they weren't always able to orgasm. The men that I was involved with, however, wanted to do something about it and were interested in pleasing me in other ways when they were unable to get an erection. Your boyfriend seems like he has just given up, which is not fair to you.
You deserve to be sexually stimulated. That's part of what makes this a romantic relationship instead of a friendship. I hope a man who has experienced this problem could tell you better how he would like to be approached (I'm a hetero woman in my mid-20s). But please don't give up on finding some satisfaction for yourself. Again, you deserve it.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 7:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You deserve to be sexually stimulated. That's part of what makes this a romantic relationship instead of a friendship. I hope a man who has experienced this problem could tell you better how he would like to be approached (I'm a hetero woman in my mid-20s). But please don't give up on finding some satisfaction for yourself. Again, you deserve it.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 7:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
The men that I was involved with, however, wanted to do something about it and were interested in pleasing me in other ways when they were unable to get an erection.
Quoted for truth. Speaking personally, even if my pud was gone completely I'd still be interested in helping my partner along with whatever she needed. My orgasm isn't all I get out of sex—there's a lot of satisfaction resulting from the joy of my partner too.
Anyway, maybe framing the issue away from his problem and focussing on your needs will help him come around. Telling him that you've got a 'problem' and he can help you 'solve it' (even, yes, without the use of his wang) might open up some alternatives to tab-A/slot-B sex. Like tabs C through L→slot B or, heavens! tabs M-V even.
Another suggestion, but one that might be 'threatening' to his masculinity, would be to incorporate a dildo or vibrator into your relations.
posted by carsonb at 7:54 PM on August 11, 2010
Quoted for truth. Speaking personally, even if my pud was gone completely I'd still be interested in helping my partner along with whatever she needed. My orgasm isn't all I get out of sex—there's a lot of satisfaction resulting from the joy of my partner too.
Anyway, maybe framing the issue away from his problem and focussing on your needs will help him come around. Telling him that you've got a 'problem' and he can help you 'solve it' (even, yes, without the use of his wang) might open up some alternatives to tab-A/slot-B sex. Like tabs C through L→slot B or, heavens! tabs M-V even.
Another suggestion, but one that might be 'threatening' to his masculinity, would be to incorporate a dildo or vibrator into your relations.
posted by carsonb at 7:54 PM on August 11, 2010
No dude wants to hear negative shit about his gear, you're right. But, if you want something from him, you're going to have to ask.
But, you don't have to be like, "Your dick's broken, so you'd better please me some other way." Just tell him what you want him to do. And ask if he wouldn't, please, for your ladybits' sake, give it an honest go?
It doesn't have to be about his dick.
But, have you considered opening up the relationship? If he's not into sex, and you are, why not? I mean, if you were into tennis, and he wasn't at all, would he forbid you from finding a tennis partner? Fucking is basically messier tennis, where hiring a pro is illegal.
It's certainly not a panacea, and comes with its own emotional and logistical minefields, but it could allow you to have your wonderful, cuddly, loving relationship with your boyfriend and also get a deep dicking now and again.
This doesn't have to be about your boyfriend at all.
posted by Netzapper at 8:12 PM on August 11, 2010
But, you don't have to be like, "Your dick's broken, so you'd better please me some other way." Just tell him what you want him to do. And ask if he wouldn't, please, for your ladybits' sake, give it an honest go?
It doesn't have to be about his dick.
But, have you considered opening up the relationship? If he's not into sex, and you are, why not? I mean, if you were into tennis, and he wasn't at all, would he forbid you from finding a tennis partner? Fucking is basically messier tennis, where hiring a pro is illegal.
It's certainly not a panacea, and comes with its own emotional and logistical minefields, but it could allow you to have your wonderful, cuddly, loving relationship with your boyfriend and also get a deep dicking now and again.
This doesn't have to be about your boyfriend at all.
posted by Netzapper at 8:12 PM on August 11, 2010
I would say it is absolutely fair for you to discuss this facet of your relationship which is not particularly satisfying to you. However, to answer your second question, it may be tricky to bring it up in a fashion that does not feel threatening or painful to him. It's certainly possible for men with erectile dysfunction to have satisfying sex lives. There might be other things behind his lack of interest in sex that, if addressed, might make him more willing to work on satisfying you (and might end up helping his ED).
Good luck with this. People deserve to have satisfying sex lives, and to not feel bad about pursuing them.
posted by Nabubrush at 8:37 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Good luck with this. People deserve to have satisfying sex lives, and to not feel bad about pursuing them.
posted by Nabubrush at 8:37 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If he has underlying health conditions that are affecting his erections, they may also be affecting his general mood and outlook. Is his somewhat poor health something he can actively work to address, or is he chronically ill and in about as good shape as his medical team can get him? Don't answer that unless you want to, but I think it's probably the underlying issue.
If he's physically as good as he's going to get, he might need to consider therapy for the psychological aspects of being unwell and/or a consult with his doctors about the feasibility of medication for his ED. If he's not taking care of his conditions, he needs to commit to doing so for his own good, and his junk, his interest, and your pleasure will hopefully follow.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:53 PM on August 11, 2010
If he's physically as good as he's going to get, he might need to consider therapy for the psychological aspects of being unwell and/or a consult with his doctors about the feasibility of medication for his ED. If he's not taking care of his conditions, he needs to commit to doing so for his own good, and his junk, his interest, and your pleasure will hopefully follow.
posted by fairytale of los angeles at 10:53 PM on August 11, 2010
Is there any medication involved in these health issues? Certain drugs can cause a severe decrease in sex drive which would naturally lead to ED.
Him having a discussion with his doctor would be a good start, however if he does not wish to pursue this, you will honestly need to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for your needs.
posted by Elminster24 at 12:11 AM on August 12, 2010
Him having a discussion with his doctor would be a good start, however if he does not wish to pursue this, you will honestly need to reevaluate whether this is the right relationship for your needs.
posted by Elminster24 at 12:11 AM on August 12, 2010
You may have inadvertently given him the impression that your low libido meant you really weren't that pushed about sex in order to make him feel more comfortable. You really sound that nice.
If that is indeed the case you will have to explain to him in a pretty neautral place (park, out for a walk) that you have certain needs and you'd like to try some snuggling with a view to you achieveing orgasm. Now you can do that yourself with him holding you, with or without toys, but you'd much prefer is he got involved to whatever extent he felt comfortable.
If you are unlucky enough to have found someone with ED +Low Libido+ NO INTEREST in getting you off or doing anything to make you physically feel you two are bonding then I'm afraid I would DTMFA.
If you still want to stay with him when that is the case then I agree opening up the relationship is the next best thing but be warned:- ED +Low libido often does not = equanimity about someone else making you scream.
posted by Wilder at 3:51 AM on August 12, 2010
If that is indeed the case you will have to explain to him in a pretty neautral place (park, out for a walk) that you have certain needs and you'd like to try some snuggling with a view to you achieveing orgasm. Now you can do that yourself with him holding you, with or without toys, but you'd much prefer is he got involved to whatever extent he felt comfortable.
If you are unlucky enough to have found someone with ED +Low Libido+ NO INTEREST in getting you off or doing anything to make you physically feel you two are bonding then I'm afraid I would DTMFA.
If you still want to stay with him when that is the case then I agree opening up the relationship is the next best thing but be warned:- ED +Low libido often does not = equanimity about someone else making you scream.
posted by Wilder at 3:51 AM on August 12, 2010
It is not only fair of you to ask for sexual stimulation from a monogamous partner, the long-term health of your relationship depends on it. Sexless relationships are fine if both partners are content, but you obviously have some needs and desires that are not being attended to.
From some of the wording in your question, it sounds like you have not discussed the topic of sex very much at all. To get the ball rolling on discussing your sexual needs with him, you could say something like:
Boyfriend, you know I love and care for you very much, and overall I'm really happy with our relationship. But I'm starting to feel unsatisfied with our not having a sexual element to our relationship. I don't have a high libido but I do have some needs for sex and passion, and I'd like it if we could figure out a way that we could incorporate some sexual play into our together time on occasion.
If he responds with "but I can't get an erection!", ask him if he's ever been to a doctor to find out why, and would he be interested in doing so?
Whether he's interested in getting treatment for himself or not, tell him that there are plently of things he could do to make you sexually happy even without an erection, and have a few options ready to discuss. Let him know you'd like to start with some making out, followed by some form of satisfaction for you. Maybe he could go down on you, or give you an orgasm manually. Or he could kiss and fondle you while you get yourself off with toys. Maybe he could just give you a good spanking (or whatever sort of kink you like) followed by hugs and snuggles, if orgasm isn't the primary objective all the time.
Also, I'd give him some idea of how often you want to do this. "Occasionally" is way too vague. To you occasionally may mean once a month or once a week; to him, with his low level of interest, it may mean twice a year.
Discuss whether he'd prefer to be "on call" for you to initiate when you feel sexy, or whether he'd be more comfortable having set date nights so he knows ahead of time when sexy times are going to happen. Some people are more flexible than others about sudden changes of plan... if he was looking forward to spending his evening relaxing with a good book he might be less than enthused about being coaxed into the bedroom, whereas if he knows that Tuesday night at 8 is playtime, he has time to get himself into the right frame of mind.
Of course you'll be generally kind and reassuring as you discuss this, but don't worry too much about wounding his sense of masculinity. His comfort and happiness needs are not more important that yours. If he wants a long-term romantic relationship he's going to have to confront this issue sometime, even if only to resign himself to finding a partner who is equally uninterested.
He may be uncomfortable being sexual, but you are unhappy NOT being sexual. For him to have 100% comfort it means that you are 100% not getting anything you need. Does that seem fair to you?
You are not insisting he get an erection or else. You are willing to compromise by adjusting your expectations as to what sort of sexual attention he can reasonably provide, considering his issues with ED. Now he needs to compromise by moving out of his comfort zone to some extent and doing something for you, purely for the reason that it makes you happy. If he's not willing to do that, even after some discussion and perhaps counseling, then you are just not right for each other and ultimately you will be better off looking for someone who is more compatible.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:58 AM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
From some of the wording in your question, it sounds like you have not discussed the topic of sex very much at all. To get the ball rolling on discussing your sexual needs with him, you could say something like:
Boyfriend, you know I love and care for you very much, and overall I'm really happy with our relationship. But I'm starting to feel unsatisfied with our not having a sexual element to our relationship. I don't have a high libido but I do have some needs for sex and passion, and I'd like it if we could figure out a way that we could incorporate some sexual play into our together time on occasion.
If he responds with "but I can't get an erection!", ask him if he's ever been to a doctor to find out why, and would he be interested in doing so?
Whether he's interested in getting treatment for himself or not, tell him that there are plently of things he could do to make you sexually happy even without an erection, and have a few options ready to discuss. Let him know you'd like to start with some making out, followed by some form of satisfaction for you. Maybe he could go down on you, or give you an orgasm manually. Or he could kiss and fondle you while you get yourself off with toys. Maybe he could just give you a good spanking (or whatever sort of kink you like) followed by hugs and snuggles, if orgasm isn't the primary objective all the time.
Also, I'd give him some idea of how often you want to do this. "Occasionally" is way too vague. To you occasionally may mean once a month or once a week; to him, with his low level of interest, it may mean twice a year.
Discuss whether he'd prefer to be "on call" for you to initiate when you feel sexy, or whether he'd be more comfortable having set date nights so he knows ahead of time when sexy times are going to happen. Some people are more flexible than others about sudden changes of plan... if he was looking forward to spending his evening relaxing with a good book he might be less than enthused about being coaxed into the bedroom, whereas if he knows that Tuesday night at 8 is playtime, he has time to get himself into the right frame of mind.
Of course you'll be generally kind and reassuring as you discuss this, but don't worry too much about wounding his sense of masculinity. His comfort and happiness needs are not more important that yours. If he wants a long-term romantic relationship he's going to have to confront this issue sometime, even if only to resign himself to finding a partner who is equally uninterested.
He may be uncomfortable being sexual, but you are unhappy NOT being sexual. For him to have 100% comfort it means that you are 100% not getting anything you need. Does that seem fair to you?
You are not insisting he get an erection or else. You are willing to compromise by adjusting your expectations as to what sort of sexual attention he can reasonably provide, considering his issues with ED. Now he needs to compromise by moving out of his comfort zone to some extent and doing something for you, purely for the reason that it makes you happy. If he's not willing to do that, even after some discussion and perhaps counseling, then you are just not right for each other and ultimately you will be better off looking for someone who is more compatible.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 4:58 AM on August 12, 2010 [2 favorites]
Tell him you want to get off. Ask him to do that for you, one way or the other. Make it clear that whether or not it is with his equipment is unimportant. If he says he won't, then tell him you have to break up.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:26 AM on August 12, 2010
posted by Ironmouth at 10:26 AM on August 12, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
If it's physiological he needs to see a urologist.
If it's psychological, he needs to see a psychiatrist and/or sex therapist.
This assumes, of course, that he is interested in figuring this out.
posted by dfriedman at 6:55 PM on August 11, 2010