My boyfriend may have fathered a child...
August 11, 2010 12:17 PM Subscribe
Just found out the boyfriend probably has an 8 year old son. Why am I so jealous? How do I let it go instead of ruminating on it?
An ex-girlfriend contacted my boyfriend through facebook the day before yesterday and told him he has a son (he would have been ~20 when the kid was conceived). He hasn't taken a paternity test, but he seems to think the kid looks a lot like him. The ex-girlfriend is in the middle of a divorce and decided that her son needed to see his "real" father. She is apparently not seeking child support or anything.
He and I live together. We've talked about marriage and how we're going to have kids. He called me as soon as he knew and made sure to let me know that he didn't want it to affect our relationship, that he still felt the same, etc.
Problem is, I can't seem to let go of my anger and jealousy. I'm jealous that this woman, a stranger to me, has one of his kids. I'm angry that she's bringing it up now, and suspicious that she's bringing it up in the middle of a divorce.
I keep trying to tell myself that thinking about it won't change anything, that it's not a bad thing by any means, that he's still "mine" so to speak and they're not going to get back together, that the kid, if it is his, won't be anything more than a very peripheral part of our lives. But my emotions aren't dissipating.
What I'd like to do is yell at the other woman, and tell her how irresponsible it was to choose to raise a child by herself, how irresponsible it is to get divorced after 5 years or so with young children. And there's an irrational part of me that's angry because I've been waiting to have children, for the right person and the right life circumstances. I'm jealous of her kids and that she didn't wait.
But then this woman is going to be a single mother of three, she's slogging through a divorce and having to move in with her parents. She hasn't asked for money, and I'm the one with the solid job, the boyfriend, the future...I personally feel that she was a bad actor for not saying anything, but then I feel like it's probable that she's not fabulous at making good life choices given her circumstances. My last relationship lasted longer than her marriage, and there were no children involved.
I am angry, but there's no point in being angry and there's nobody terrible to be angry with. But I still am. Please help.
An ex-girlfriend contacted my boyfriend through facebook the day before yesterday and told him he has a son (he would have been ~20 when the kid was conceived). He hasn't taken a paternity test, but he seems to think the kid looks a lot like him. The ex-girlfriend is in the middle of a divorce and decided that her son needed to see his "real" father. She is apparently not seeking child support or anything.
He and I live together. We've talked about marriage and how we're going to have kids. He called me as soon as he knew and made sure to let me know that he didn't want it to affect our relationship, that he still felt the same, etc.
Problem is, I can't seem to let go of my anger and jealousy. I'm jealous that this woman, a stranger to me, has one of his kids. I'm angry that she's bringing it up now, and suspicious that she's bringing it up in the middle of a divorce.
I keep trying to tell myself that thinking about it won't change anything, that it's not a bad thing by any means, that he's still "mine" so to speak and they're not going to get back together, that the kid, if it is his, won't be anything more than a very peripheral part of our lives. But my emotions aren't dissipating.
What I'd like to do is yell at the other woman, and tell her how irresponsible it was to choose to raise a child by herself, how irresponsible it is to get divorced after 5 years or so with young children. And there's an irrational part of me that's angry because I've been waiting to have children, for the right person and the right life circumstances. I'm jealous of her kids and that she didn't wait.
But then this woman is going to be a single mother of three, she's slogging through a divorce and having to move in with her parents. She hasn't asked for money, and I'm the one with the solid job, the boyfriend, the future...I personally feel that she was a bad actor for not saying anything, but then I feel like it's probable that she's not fabulous at making good life choices given her circumstances. My last relationship lasted longer than her marriage, and there were no children involved.
I am angry, but there's no point in being angry and there's nobody terrible to be angry with. But I still am. Please help.
My first thought is that you're ruminating about it because there are a lot of unanswered questions and it's completely unknown how this will affect you, your relationship(s), your finances, etc. And the answers to those questions are going to change over time; you will now always be living with unknowns.
Heck yea! You're angry! I'd be angry and scared and disappointed (and curious and judgmental)
I'll leave the recommendations (legal, therapy, etc) to others.
I just want to say that this IS life changing for everyone involved. And if it isn't, then his son isn't getting the considerations he deserves.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:26 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Heck yea! You're angry! I'd be angry and scared and disappointed (and curious and judgmental)
I'll leave the recommendations (legal, therapy, etc) to others.
I just want to say that this IS life changing for everyone involved. And if it isn't, then his son isn't getting the considerations he deserves.
posted by vitabellosi at 12:26 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just because she isn't currently seeking child support doesn't mean your boyfriend isn't legally obligated to pay it, depending on the jurisdiction. But first he needs to get that paternity test.
As for you, this is a HUGE thing that just happened that might throw a wrench in your life plans. You can let yourself be angry, confused, etc. for a while.
posted by chiababe at 12:28 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
As for you, this is a HUGE thing that just happened that might throw a wrench in your life plans. You can let yourself be angry, confused, etc. for a while.
posted by chiababe at 12:28 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
If we got that phone call/email, I would need at least two weeks before I started to shake off the shock and think rationally. You're going to be thinking all kinds of stuff right now, and that is absolutely 100% OK as long as you keep it to yourself and (when applicable) your partner. Clearly, there's no actual hurry - if it could wait 8 years, it can wait a while longer - to decide how to feel and what to do and what your next steps will be.
Bombshells are not neat and tidy. It's okay to be completely floored by this, and it's also okay to get to a therapist to help you sort your thoughts and work through the shock. Also, you can consult a lawyer to sort out that end of things.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:31 PM on August 11, 2010
Bombshells are not neat and tidy. It's okay to be completely floored by this, and it's also okay to get to a therapist to help you sort your thoughts and work through the shock. Also, you can consult a lawyer to sort out that end of things.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:31 PM on August 11, 2010
Ah ... don't get too not-angry!
I think all the feelings you've described are thoroughly understandable. This is a huge deal that could dramatically affect your life, and you have every right to have strong feelings about the situation. You may be asking the wrong question.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:31 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think all the feelings you've described are thoroughly understandable. This is a huge deal that could dramatically affect your life, and you have every right to have strong feelings about the situation. You may be asking the wrong question.
posted by Jaltcoh at 12:31 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I can completely understand why this would make you angry and disappointed. An unexpected child (and his mother) in the mix drastically changes the future you envisioned with your boyfriend. I think it's ok to feel angry about the circumstances you've been put in. What's important, and what you seem to realize, is that there's nobody to be angry with. You can only assume until you have evidence otherwise that everyone in the situation is doing the best that they can. And that includes you in trying to cope with this. So don't beat yourself up too much for feeling what you're feeling.
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 12:33 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by Colonel_Chappy at 12:33 PM on August 11, 2010
Best answer: So, I can speak from a couple different angles with my experience. Firstly, I'm not sure what the ex girlfriend's life is like, but I know that more than once mine has looked similar from the outside looking in, and getting divorced with a young child was the best decision I ever made. Absolutely be angry, and feel free to be judgmental right now, but remember that there's a possibility that this person will be on the periphery of your life.
My partner has a daughter from a previous marriage. Even after years of being together and his daughter being a part of our life, I still occasionally have moments where I get ravaged by jealousy that his daughter isn't mine and he has a kid with someone else, and he has told me he's eaten up by the fact that my kids aren't with him. It's irrational, and it's okay to feel that way.
My ex had a daughter who was given up for adoption. He didn't feel a need to tell me about this until a year into our relationship. I lived in fear that this child would contact us and I'd be forced to try to deal with this and that my whole life would change.
Have your boyfriend take a paternity test, and let yourself grieve for the specific future you might have lost.
posted by Zophi at 12:38 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
My partner has a daughter from a previous marriage. Even after years of being together and his daughter being a part of our life, I still occasionally have moments where I get ravaged by jealousy that his daughter isn't mine and he has a kid with someone else, and he has told me he's eaten up by the fact that my kids aren't with him. It's irrational, and it's okay to feel that way.
My ex had a daughter who was given up for adoption. He didn't feel a need to tell me about this until a year into our relationship. I lived in fear that this child would contact us and I'd be forced to try to deal with this and that my whole life would change.
Have your boyfriend take a paternity test, and let yourself grieve for the specific future you might have lost.
posted by Zophi at 12:38 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
Let go of the idea that this won't change anything. It might not change your boyfriend's feelings towards you, but if he does have a son, this could will change his life a ton.
Please try not to take your anger out on the child.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:38 PM on August 11, 2010
Please try not to take your anger out on the child.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 12:38 PM on August 11, 2010
Best answer: You and your plans just got blindsided by life - anger seems a reasonable response within the spectrum of reasonable responses.
I think it's okay to be angry at the situation, along with whatever else you're feeling until you and he figure out this new life change together. Find a lawyer, get some advice, ask your partner how he wants his possible child in his life, and just let your feelings be your feelings for a least a couple of months.
I don't know if 'how can I not be angry' questions are as helpful as 'I'm angry. How can I be okay with the feeling of anger that seems to be burning me up inside, when I really wish I didn't feel this way" questions. Because the second one lets you feel how you feel but focuses on making sure you don't act out of the anger you feel, while the first just makes you try to squelch a really understandable emotion. Don't do that to yourself. Give your conscious and unconscious self some time and space to sort it out. If you don't on your own in a month or so, you can try therapy, but for now, if you were my friend, I'd just tell you to just give yourself some time to feel what you feel. It may be unpleasant, but it's normal.
posted by anitanita at 12:43 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I think it's okay to be angry at the situation, along with whatever else you're feeling until you and he figure out this new life change together. Find a lawyer, get some advice, ask your partner how he wants his possible child in his life, and just let your feelings be your feelings for a least a couple of months.
I don't know if 'how can I not be angry' questions are as helpful as 'I'm angry. How can I be okay with the feeling of anger that seems to be burning me up inside, when I really wish I didn't feel this way" questions. Because the second one lets you feel how you feel but focuses on making sure you don't act out of the anger you feel, while the first just makes you try to squelch a really understandable emotion. Don't do that to yourself. Give your conscious and unconscious self some time and space to sort it out. If you don't on your own in a month or so, you can try therapy, but for now, if you were my friend, I'd just tell you to just give yourself some time to feel what you feel. It may be unpleasant, but it's normal.
posted by anitanita at 12:43 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It's okay to be angry, even if there is no one to blame. You'll cool off soon, especially if your boyfriend continues to do the right thing. In the meantime, why not go for a cardio workout or hot yoga or something to blow off steam.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:47 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by KokuRyu at 12:47 PM on August 11, 2010
He hasn't taken a paternity test, but he seems to think the kid looks a lot like him.
After years ofepisodes of Maury diligent study, I have determined that eyeballing a kid's parentage is a crapshoot at best.
That paternity test is not an option at this junction. Not his kid? Done, over and out. You have nothing to worry about. You never had anything to worry about. His kid? Well, then he needs to do the right thing as mandated by his conscience and/or the state. This little crisis is going to being out the true the color of his character, if anything. Ducking child support is a big ole red flag.
posted by griphus at 12:53 PM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
After years of
That paternity test is not an option at this junction. Not his kid? Done, over and out. You have nothing to worry about. You never had anything to worry about. His kid? Well, then he needs to do the right thing as mandated by his conscience and/or the state. This little crisis is going to being out the true the color of his character, if anything. Ducking child support is a big ole red flag.
posted by griphus at 12:53 PM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
...that the kid, if it is his, won't be anything more than a very peripheral part of our lives.
You sure about that? Have you talked to him about that? Don't close off that too soon, lest you set yourself up for disappointment later.
Nthing "paternity test, now" as promises not to come for child support are worth as much as a lead life preserver.
Your anger seems justified. Definitely be open to talking with a less-involved third party (therapist just fine, trusted friend/relative if you don't want to take that route). You're right that there's nobody to be angry with--neither your boyfriend nor the kid are the cause of this anger, and really, the ex is only so much to blame--most of it is just best laid plans blowing up, and that's a (sucky) part of life. Sometimes it's ok to be angry at the universe for a while. Never changes the circumstances, but it beats denying your actual mental state.
posted by stevis23 at 1:03 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
You sure about that? Have you talked to him about that? Don't close off that too soon, lest you set yourself up for disappointment later.
Nthing "paternity test, now" as promises not to come for child support are worth as much as a lead life preserver.
Your anger seems justified. Definitely be open to talking with a less-involved third party (therapist just fine, trusted friend/relative if you don't want to take that route). You're right that there's nobody to be angry with--neither your boyfriend nor the kid are the cause of this anger, and really, the ex is only so much to blame--most of it is just best laid plans blowing up, and that's a (sucky) part of life. Sometimes it's ok to be angry at the universe for a while. Never changes the circumstances, but it beats denying your actual mental state.
posted by stevis23 at 1:03 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
I'm jealous that this woman, a stranger to me, has one of his kids.
Well, try thinking of the kid as a human being deserving of love and protection, not a pawn or a piece of valuable status-conferring property. I know that jealousy is typically an acknowledgedly irrational response, but what does her "having one of his kids" have to do with your life with him? There is not some finite pool of, say, three or four fully-formed kids out there in the aethyr, just waiting to manifest, one of whom has been plucked out of your grasp by this other woman.
This kid is just a kid. Fathered when your boyfriend was little more than a kid himself. Think compassionately about the kid(s) in this equation and there should be little room to worry about this other woman, or yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 1:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Well, try thinking of the kid as a human being deserving of love and protection, not a pawn or a piece of valuable status-conferring property. I know that jealousy is typically an acknowledgedly irrational response, but what does her "having one of his kids" have to do with your life with him? There is not some finite pool of, say, three or four fully-formed kids out there in the aethyr, just waiting to manifest, one of whom has been plucked out of your grasp by this other woman.
This kid is just a kid. Fathered when your boyfriend was little more than a kid himself. Think compassionately about the kid(s) in this equation and there should be little room to worry about this other woman, or yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 1:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [9 favorites]
Response by poster: As an aside, and I'm not sure if this is clear or not, my boyfriend kept in contact with his ex's family and could have been contacted by her at any point in time the last 9 years for child support and other purposes. This woman kept her child's ostensible parentage a secret from her family and from my boyfriend for that entire time.
And griphus - I agree. I saw the pics. The child also looks a lot like my boyfriend's best friend, or possibly Matthew McConaughy...coincidence? They're all vaguely light haired white people who would have pale blond children.
At this point in time, what I really want to do is confront this woman face to face, or at least start sending passive-aggressive facebook messages. I guess this post is more about the frustration of knowing that I really can't do that than actually getting over my anger.
posted by thebeagle at 1:04 PM on August 11, 2010
And griphus - I agree. I saw the pics. The child also looks a lot like my boyfriend's best friend, or possibly Matthew McConaughy...coincidence? They're all vaguely light haired white people who would have pale blond children.
At this point in time, what I really want to do is confront this woman face to face, or at least start sending passive-aggressive facebook messages. I guess this post is more about the frustration of knowing that I really can't do that than actually getting over my anger.
posted by thebeagle at 1:04 PM on August 11, 2010
It's okay to be angry/confused. I would be too! Just let yourself feel your feelings and don't let anyone make you feel guilty for them.
Just remember that your boyfriend is also blindsided by this too. And PATERNITY TEST ASAP.
Try not to be too judgemental of the mother... you can be pissed, but I wouldn't judge too much...it's crappy that her kid is just finding out (supposedly) who his real dad is, but she must have had some reason for not telling him, and I bet the guilt has been eating her alive.
posted by radioamy at 1:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Just remember that your boyfriend is also blindsided by this too. And PATERNITY TEST ASAP.
Try not to be too judgemental of the mother... you can be pissed, but I wouldn't judge too much...it's crappy that her kid is just finding out (supposedly) who his real dad is, but she must have had some reason for not telling him, and I bet the guilt has been eating her alive.
posted by radioamy at 1:04 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Oh and the reason I said I thought the child would be a peripheral part of our lives is because he grew up with a dad - the man the ex married and is now divorcing. I think it would be pretty offensive to try and displace that person.
posted by thebeagle at 1:07 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by thebeagle at 1:07 PM on August 11, 2010
Best answer: I suspect one of the reasons your feelings are so confusing and bothersome right now is that it's both a big, bombshell piece of news that has the potential to upend your life a bit and simultaneously a thing where there isn't a concrete event/person/thing to direct your anger toward. At this stage, it doesn't seem like the ex is trying to hurt your boyfriend or ruin his life. She's making decisions, some are painful, but they aren't really malicious.
So you've had your knees swept out from under you, you've got this big ball of understandable grar, and nothing in particular to aim it at. It's so much easier to be angry at someone or something than at a nebulous ball of choices and circumstances and weird luck. Don't try to make yourself not feel upset. It's rational to be upset about upsetting things. Resist the urge to fixate the anger ball on something and get bitter; in the long run that will only make you feel worse.
In the short term, empower yourself by getting a lawyer and a paternity test and covering your legal/logistical bases. Really communicate your feelings with your boyfriend. If you hide things or let things fester, this could hurt the relationship. If you share your feelings and support each other, the relationship will probably come out stronger and more focused. If you decide to get married and have your own children, you will have already made it through a hard, scary time together. That's a good foundation to build a future on.
Just feel your feelings, try not to judge them, and don't let them ferment into something worse. Sometimes you just have to surf a wave of unpleasant emotions and know that you won't feel them forever.
posted by mostlymartha at 1:18 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
So you've had your knees swept out from under you, you've got this big ball of understandable grar, and nothing in particular to aim it at. It's so much easier to be angry at someone or something than at a nebulous ball of choices and circumstances and weird luck. Don't try to make yourself not feel upset. It's rational to be upset about upsetting things. Resist the urge to fixate the anger ball on something and get bitter; in the long run that will only make you feel worse.
In the short term, empower yourself by getting a lawyer and a paternity test and covering your legal/logistical bases. Really communicate your feelings with your boyfriend. If you hide things or let things fester, this could hurt the relationship. If you share your feelings and support each other, the relationship will probably come out stronger and more focused. If you decide to get married and have your own children, you will have already made it through a hard, scary time together. That's a good foundation to build a future on.
Just feel your feelings, try not to judge them, and don't let them ferment into something worse. Sometimes you just have to surf a wave of unpleasant emotions and know that you won't feel them forever.
posted by mostlymartha at 1:18 PM on August 11, 2010 [3 favorites]
I am angry, but there's no point in being angry and there's nobody terrible to be angry with. But I still am.
There's nothing wrong with being angry with a situation. In fact, it's usually the best angle if you can. You can't always make an emotion go away, so if you can accept that this is just life throwing you a curveball rather than making it about the people involved, it's going to make your relationship (and your bf's relationship with his son and his son's mother) a lot easier.
Sure, you can rationalize why the blame should be with this woman. But actually, her choices have only had inadvertent effect on your life; she's done nothing to you but let a man you love know about his son. Knowing what you know now, aren't you glad that he knows? Okay, you might well wish the situation never happened, but what if you somehow found out and he hadn't been told. Wouldn't you want the man you love to have a child he knows nothing about? If your answer, when you really think about it (not just your gut 'I wish this wasn't the case'), then you should really think about whether or not you can continue this relationship.
But I think you totally can. Would you have dated him if you'd known he had a child with another woman? Maybe not. And if not, the fact that he didn't know is now a benefit to you. (See, you can rationalize anything if you want.)
Some -- if not most -- people are always somewhat jealous of the shared experience their partner has with exes. And people either deal with it or don't let it bother them. Now you have a physical reminder of that past and you have to deal with it. But you shouldn't treat it like anything else -- not a reflection on your boyfriend's past choices nor in what your relationship with you can be.
One thing I recommend for people who are jealous about something their ex has in their past is to remind them that every thing that happened to him prior to meeting you is what made you meet and love him.
Reminding yourself of that might help you realize that though your world may be shaken, it could be for the best. If your ex does end up having a relationship with his son, and you do end up continuing your relationship with him, and the man who has raised him with his mother continues to have a role in his life (lots of 'if', I realize) this kid may end up with four adults who are looking out for him in a parental role and with the love that this should involve. Sounds good to me.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:19 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with being angry with a situation. In fact, it's usually the best angle if you can. You can't always make an emotion go away, so if you can accept that this is just life throwing you a curveball rather than making it about the people involved, it's going to make your relationship (and your bf's relationship with his son and his son's mother) a lot easier.
Sure, you can rationalize why the blame should be with this woman. But actually, her choices have only had inadvertent effect on your life; she's done nothing to you but let a man you love know about his son. Knowing what you know now, aren't you glad that he knows? Okay, you might well wish the situation never happened, but what if you somehow found out and he hadn't been told. Wouldn't you want the man you love to have a child he knows nothing about? If your answer, when you really think about it (not just your gut 'I wish this wasn't the case'), then you should really think about whether or not you can continue this relationship.
But I think you totally can. Would you have dated him if you'd known he had a child with another woman? Maybe not. And if not, the fact that he didn't know is now a benefit to you. (See, you can rationalize anything if you want.)
Some -- if not most -- people are always somewhat jealous of the shared experience their partner has with exes. And people either deal with it or don't let it bother them. Now you have a physical reminder of that past and you have to deal with it. But you shouldn't treat it like anything else -- not a reflection on your boyfriend's past choices nor in what your relationship with you can be.
One thing I recommend for people who are jealous about something their ex has in their past is to remind them that every thing that happened to him prior to meeting you is what made you meet and love him.
Reminding yourself of that might help you realize that though your world may be shaken, it could be for the best. If your ex does end up having a relationship with his son, and you do end up continuing your relationship with him, and the man who has raised him with his mother continues to have a role in his life (lots of 'if', I realize) this kid may end up with four adults who are looking out for him in a parental role and with the love that this should involve. Sounds good to me.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:19 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
If you boy-friend is the father, he needs to be involved in this kids life on some level.
It is not displacing anyone, and I am not saying creating any form of intimate relationship. But knowledge of each other, contact info for each.
posted by Flood at 1:21 PM on August 11, 2010
It is not displacing anyone, and I am not saying creating any form of intimate relationship. But knowledge of each other, contact info for each.
posted by Flood at 1:21 PM on August 11, 2010
If this is his kid, it will be front and center in your life, not just on the periphery. Seeing as how this single mother is moving back in with her family, it means she isn't independently wealthy so if this is your boyfriend's kid, he will probably--sooner or later--be paying child support--money that will be taken from you and your future kids with him to (rightly) support his first kid. If the mother were to die, he would be at the head of the line for custody, and if he knows that he is the father, he may feel--sooner or later--the need to have a relationship with the kid. So yeah, you should be freaking out about right now.
posted by MsKim at 1:29 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by MsKim at 1:29 PM on August 11, 2010
If this is indeed your bf's child, then get ready for some serious life changes. If he does the right thing and starts a relationship with his child (financially and emotionally), then you will have to accept this child into your life and all that entails. If you can't handle this, you might have to consider moving on. If he doesn't want anything to do with this kid, then you have some serious red flags to consider. I'd be afraid to have children with somebody like that since it's unnatural and likely to haunt your future anyways. It sounds to me like your only option is to find some way to reconcile that this kid is going to mean huge changes, and you have to decide if YOU can handle them.
It sounds like you're resentful that you chose to not live this woman's life, when maybe you should feel some pity that she has to.
posted by Raichle at 1:43 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you're resentful that you chose to not live this woman's life, when maybe you should feel some pity that she has to.
posted by Raichle at 1:43 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There's a real chance the father of this unfortunate and innocent child is legally obligated (or soon will be) to pay child support. In my state, if a mother asks for any kind of aid for her children, the agency goes after the father for support. This then generally gets sticky - I know of one prosecutor who is trying to locate and test six or seven putative fathers right now. This is separate from any moral or emotional imperative, which I would hope my boyfriend would feel in this kind of situation. Incidentally, the father also has rights, which can be given away but I kind of doubt your boyfriend would want to, from the tone of your post.
You have a right to feel the way you feel, and that includes feeling obligated to stop being angry. I agree with everyone above who recommended giving yourself space and a safe outlet. My stepparents were very good to me even when I was terrible to them and even when my existence caused all manner of discomfort (most notable: my stepmom lived in my grandma's house for two years and put off having kids till my mom took custody of me in junior high;) being that person can be really good for the kid, and I suspect it must have some kind of payoff for the person, because dang. Try to remember that you were going to lose that future in your head no matter what - life is like that.
Please cut everyone lots of slack, anyway. Especially yourself. And maybe defer anger and confusion as much as you can till after the test? Right now you have an email or something, and it can help to tell yourself that those are silly things to get upset over (I use that line on myself all the time, and it makes me feel better, so.)
posted by SMPA at 2:02 PM on August 11, 2010
You have a right to feel the way you feel, and that includes feeling obligated to stop being angry. I agree with everyone above who recommended giving yourself space and a safe outlet. My stepparents were very good to me even when I was terrible to them and even when my existence caused all manner of discomfort (most notable: my stepmom lived in my grandma's house for two years and put off having kids till my mom took custody of me in junior high;) being that person can be really good for the kid, and I suspect it must have some kind of payoff for the person, because dang. Try to remember that you were going to lose that future in your head no matter what - life is like that.
Please cut everyone lots of slack, anyway. Especially yourself. And maybe defer anger and confusion as much as you can till after the test? Right now you have an email or something, and it can help to tell yourself that those are silly things to get upset over (I use that line on myself all the time, and it makes me feel better, so.)
posted by SMPA at 2:02 PM on August 11, 2010
I'd be angry. The woman had plenty of years to reveal the "real" dad, and only does it now when she's getting divorced? Even I'm thinking, "man, she's looking for retroactive child support." She also sounds like a jerk for cheating your ex out of 9 years of his kid (and it's not like one of them dropped off the face of the planet!), assuming that he is actually the father and she knew all along. Hell, I'm feeling pretty snitty at her behavior myself and I don't know her.
Nthing the "paternity test" right now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:14 PM on August 11, 2010
Nthing the "paternity test" right now.
posted by jenfullmoon at 2:14 PM on August 11, 2010
that the kid, if it is his, won't be anything more than a very peripheral part of our lives.
Wait wait wait wait wait. IT?. No. I can totally understand anger and jealousy in this situation. But it is not okay to direct nastiness towards the kid, who has not done anything wrong. Frankly, if this child is your boyfriend's, keeping the child as nothing more than a merely peripheral, unimportant, unvalued, pushed-to-the-side part of his life would be an extremely assholish thing to do.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:22 PM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Wait wait wait wait wait. IT?. No. I can totally understand anger and jealousy in this situation. But it is not okay to direct nastiness towards the kid, who has not done anything wrong. Frankly, if this child is your boyfriend's, keeping the child as nothing more than a merely peripheral, unimportant, unvalued, pushed-to-the-side part of his life would be an extremely assholish thing to do.
posted by Ashley801 at 2:22 PM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
You are justified in being scared, angry, jealous, upset. However, assuming that this kid is his (and that's a big assumption at the moment, no matter how much he "looks like him"), please try and remember that this is not the child's fault, and that your boyfriend has some personal responsibility for the situation (if the child is his, that is), although if he was never told about him until now, it's not his fault for it coming out of nowhere.
The very first thing to do is have a paternity test done. Stat. Since this other woman is the one claiming the child is his, she should pay for it at least initially and he can reimburse her for half if he is the child's father. Of course, that is assuming she's even willing to pay let alone have the paternity test done. Keep copies of her correspondence making the "announcement" to him, in case she retracts it later so that your BF can request a court-ordered paternity test to verify, should it be necessary.
Regardless of what the mother says her intentions are, there will probably be issues with child support and perhaps even custody if the child is his; this child will forever be in your life, if you end up marrying your BF, and so will the child's mother. It's up to you to decide if that's something you can deal with. But definitely start the ball rolling on paternity testing, and get a hold of a lawyer, like yesterday.
posted by 1000monkeys at 2:38 PM on August 11, 2010
The very first thing to do is have a paternity test done. Stat. Since this other woman is the one claiming the child is his, she should pay for it at least initially and he can reimburse her for half if he is the child's father. Of course, that is assuming she's even willing to pay let alone have the paternity test done. Keep copies of her correspondence making the "announcement" to him, in case she retracts it later so that your BF can request a court-ordered paternity test to verify, should it be necessary.
Regardless of what the mother says her intentions are, there will probably be issues with child support and perhaps even custody if the child is his; this child will forever be in your life, if you end up marrying your BF, and so will the child's mother. It's up to you to decide if that's something you can deal with. But definitely start the ball rolling on paternity testing, and get a hold of a lawyer, like yesterday.
posted by 1000monkeys at 2:38 PM on August 11, 2010
Also: DO NOT MAKE ANY CONTACT WITH THIS WOMAN OR HER FAMILY. You will only end up causing drama, and possible legal implications in the future. STAY AWAY! It's in your own best interest.
posted by 1000monkeys at 2:39 PM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
posted by 1000monkeys at 2:39 PM on August 11, 2010 [6 favorites]
So, I understand you feel terrible right now. That is normal, understandable, etc. Talking to your friends, therapist, or family about how angry, jealous, scared, or bitter you feel is appropriate.
Having said that, this woman is not in the legal wrong here. Whether she is in the moral wrong depends on your world view, but clearly this is an ambiguous situation. She certainly did not get pregnant all on her own. And you do not know the circumstances of her current divorce. While you may feel judgment about her choices, I would think very carefully about how you express that judgment if you ever encounter her, and even with your partner.
Assuming your partner is the father, he now has an obligation to that child. The courts could rule that to be a financial obligation, or depending on how you look at it, he could look at it as a moral obligation. If you want to stay with your partner, I'd think about how to support your partner doing the right thing.
posted by serazin at 3:00 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
Having said that, this woman is not in the legal wrong here. Whether she is in the moral wrong depends on your world view, but clearly this is an ambiguous situation. She certainly did not get pregnant all on her own. And you do not know the circumstances of her current divorce. While you may feel judgment about her choices, I would think very carefully about how you express that judgment if you ever encounter her, and even with your partner.
Assuming your partner is the father, he now has an obligation to that child. The courts could rule that to be a financial obligation, or depending on how you look at it, he could look at it as a moral obligation. If you want to stay with your partner, I'd think about how to support your partner doing the right thing.
posted by serazin at 3:00 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
that the kid, if it is his, won't be anything more than a very peripheral part of our lives.
Wait wait wait wait wait. IT?. No.
Commonly used as a gender-neutral reference for children in my experience; nothing to see here IMHO.
posted by Mike1024 at 3:07 PM on August 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
Wait wait wait wait wait. IT?. No.
Commonly used as a gender-neutral reference for children in my experience; nothing to see here IMHO.
posted by Mike1024 at 3:07 PM on August 11, 2010 [7 favorites]
50/50 on whether or not your bf is the dad of this poor kid. Paternity test ASAP, as everyone here recommends (and, likely, as your fella is probably already planning). If he's the dad, he's still appropriately on the line for child support and could choose to be involved in the little guy's life, which there is nothing wrong with and everything right with. I hope if that ends up being the case that you can find the tools and strength to achieve acceptance and serenity with the situation.
If he is the dad, reasons she could have kept this secret:
Ashamed.
Your bf could have been a different person then, and she very likely was.
Not wanting to rock the boats of other relationships.
Scared.
If he is the dad, reasons she could be coming clean about it now:
No longer needs to protect relationship between ex & son at all costs (believe me, you can get treated way differently when your parent's partner knows you don't belong to them, and it may have seemed to her as if she was protecting the little guy).
Realises the truth is a better way for people to live.
Wants money (which the son has a right to, regardless of the secret kept so long).
Isn't as worried about rocking relationship boats.
Wants to rock relationship boats.
Just got tired of lying.
If he's not the dad, reasons she could be claiming he is are all flattering yet completely irrelevant, as the paternity test will make it a moot point. Oh, well, hands washed, b'bye.
I get why you're mad (most of the reasons she could reveal this now are negative, after all) and even why you're jealous. And you're going to need some time to come to grips with this. But don't assume that this won't have any impact on your lives together. It may change things utterly. Your boyfriend made a decision years ago that may have led to the production of an entire human being. No matter how fleeting that decision was, no matter how little it may have meant to him at the time, this person exists because of that decision and he'll need to own up to the responsibilities inherent in making that decision even with these years in between, because it's the right thing to do.
You're right to talk yourself out of those revenge fantasies. I know that's hard. Good on you for recognising the importance of picturing getting your anger on spectacularly but keeping it just in your head. Not everyone can do that. Next, congratulate yourself for working so hard to keep your life on a smooth path and even give yourself a hearty pat on the back for waiting to produce your very own progeny in order to be responsible and create the best situation for a family. You're fortunate and have been wise.
Would you consider, though, not making such harsh judgment against the woman who is facing that hard road? Maybe seeing if there's an opening in your heart to feel fortunate without making it at the cost of whatever dignity she may have left as a human being? Because a lot of the words you used about her are dehumanising, and she's still a human. She's clearly made different choices from you, but it doesn't make her garbage. It makes her a person who is going to be living a harsher life for a long time and apparently has done for a while already. As unnatural as it may feel while your anger is so fresh, it'll make dealing with whatever fallout occurs much easier in the long run, because you can see this woman as flawed but still human and it will make every decision easier. No one is perfect, after all, and some suffer more from their choices than others. It looks like a new layer of suffering has just started for her, and she's going to be learning even more hard lessons very quickly.
I don't mean to sound overly sympathetic to an unsympathetic character, but, then, I know she's a whole human and not just a character and I'm sure you do, too. She's just a person who messed up, like so many of us do, and it seems like she's trying to come to grips with some of those messes right now. If the paternity test doesn't bear out, just picture the fallout she'll be dealing with - calming your heart now will mean the remainders of vitriol will ease away even more quickly in that scenario. And, if it does, then you will have prepared a place of patience and acceptance for what may come next, which I'm thinking will be a real balm in that situation.
posted by batmonkey at 3:13 PM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
If he is the dad, reasons she could have kept this secret:
Ashamed.
Your bf could have been a different person then, and she very likely was.
Not wanting to rock the boats of other relationships.
Scared.
If he is the dad, reasons she could be coming clean about it now:
No longer needs to protect relationship between ex & son at all costs (believe me, you can get treated way differently when your parent's partner knows you don't belong to them, and it may have seemed to her as if she was protecting the little guy).
Realises the truth is a better way for people to live.
Wants money (which the son has a right to, regardless of the secret kept so long).
Isn't as worried about rocking relationship boats.
Wants to rock relationship boats.
Just got tired of lying.
If he's not the dad, reasons she could be claiming he is are all flattering yet completely irrelevant, as the paternity test will make it a moot point. Oh, well, hands washed, b'bye.
I get why you're mad (most of the reasons she could reveal this now are negative, after all) and even why you're jealous. And you're going to need some time to come to grips with this. But don't assume that this won't have any impact on your lives together. It may change things utterly. Your boyfriend made a decision years ago that may have led to the production of an entire human being. No matter how fleeting that decision was, no matter how little it may have meant to him at the time, this person exists because of that decision and he'll need to own up to the responsibilities inherent in making that decision even with these years in between, because it's the right thing to do.
You're right to talk yourself out of those revenge fantasies. I know that's hard. Good on you for recognising the importance of picturing getting your anger on spectacularly but keeping it just in your head. Not everyone can do that. Next, congratulate yourself for working so hard to keep your life on a smooth path and even give yourself a hearty pat on the back for waiting to produce your very own progeny in order to be responsible and create the best situation for a family. You're fortunate and have been wise.
Would you consider, though, not making such harsh judgment against the woman who is facing that hard road? Maybe seeing if there's an opening in your heart to feel fortunate without making it at the cost of whatever dignity she may have left as a human being? Because a lot of the words you used about her are dehumanising, and she's still a human. She's clearly made different choices from you, but it doesn't make her garbage. It makes her a person who is going to be living a harsher life for a long time and apparently has done for a while already. As unnatural as it may feel while your anger is so fresh, it'll make dealing with whatever fallout occurs much easier in the long run, because you can see this woman as flawed but still human and it will make every decision easier. No one is perfect, after all, and some suffer more from their choices than others. It looks like a new layer of suffering has just started for her, and she's going to be learning even more hard lessons very quickly.
I don't mean to sound overly sympathetic to an unsympathetic character, but, then, I know she's a whole human and not just a character and I'm sure you do, too. She's just a person who messed up, like so many of us do, and it seems like she's trying to come to grips with some of those messes right now. If the paternity test doesn't bear out, just picture the fallout she'll be dealing with - calming your heart now will mean the remainders of vitriol will ease away even more quickly in that scenario. And, if it does, then you will have prepared a place of patience and acceptance for what may come next, which I'm thinking will be a real balm in that situation.
posted by batmonkey at 3:13 PM on August 11, 2010 [5 favorites]
Wait wait wait wait wait. IT?. No. I can totally understand anger and jealousy in this situation. But it is not okay to direct nastiness towards the kid, who has not done anything wrong.
I almost always refer to children as "it" and intend no nastiness. I don't think that's the OP's intention. She seems to be angry at the mother--as she should be--not at the child itself.
posted by Lobster Garden at 4:44 PM on August 11, 2010
I almost always refer to children as "it" and intend no nastiness. I don't think that's the OP's intention. She seems to be angry at the mother--as she should be--not at the child itself.
posted by Lobster Garden at 4:44 PM on August 11, 2010
1) Get him to get a paternity test.
2) Be angry if you want, but realize that the level of angry you have is probably just because of shock right now. It'll probably subside by itself while you get used to the idea. This woman's life doesn't sound pleasant, as you yourself pointed out. Probably at no point did she do anything maliciously, she was just trying to do what was best for her baby when she was 19/20/21 and not even with the baby's dad any more. It was a scary situation and you don't have all the details. You say it's irresponsible to have a child by yourself or get divorced with young children, ever, but those are both very judgmental responses and possibly not even factually true for her. You don't know the intimate details of these men and her relationships.
Choosing not to tell your boyfriend about the kid, so he missed a whole lot of important years in the kid's life, that was, as far as I can tell, her big (and possibly only) mistake, and it's possible she didn't even know who the dad was until the kid started to look like him. Even if she's fixing it for the wrong reasons now (which we don't know), it's still getting fixed.
3) Do not contact her in any way. In fact, you might not want to talk too meanly about her to common acquaintances or his family members. Since her life is going to suck so much in the short term and yours won't, you will not come out of that looking good. (Or, in the grandparents' view, like a good stepmom-figure.)
I think the reason OP said the child will not be a large part of their life is because it sounds like the mom/kid might not live near the boyfriend. So while it's possible he could get summer visitation or something, the way things stand they will probably rarely ever see the child. I dated someone like that, and he loved his kid dearly and paid child support, but only saw the kid once every year or two.
posted by wending my way at 5:18 PM on August 11, 2010
2) Be angry if you want, but realize that the level of angry you have is probably just because of shock right now. It'll probably subside by itself while you get used to the idea. This woman's life doesn't sound pleasant, as you yourself pointed out. Probably at no point did she do anything maliciously, she was just trying to do what was best for her baby when she was 19/20/21 and not even with the baby's dad any more. It was a scary situation and you don't have all the details. You say it's irresponsible to have a child by yourself or get divorced with young children, ever, but those are both very judgmental responses and possibly not even factually true for her. You don't know the intimate details of these men and her relationships.
Choosing not to tell your boyfriend about the kid, so he missed a whole lot of important years in the kid's life, that was, as far as I can tell, her big (and possibly only) mistake, and it's possible she didn't even know who the dad was until the kid started to look like him. Even if she's fixing it for the wrong reasons now (which we don't know), it's still getting fixed.
3) Do not contact her in any way. In fact, you might not want to talk too meanly about her to common acquaintances or his family members. Since her life is going to suck so much in the short term and yours won't, you will not come out of that looking good. (Or, in the grandparents' view, like a good stepmom-figure.)
I think the reason OP said the child will not be a large part of their life is because it sounds like the mom/kid might not live near the boyfriend. So while it's possible he could get summer visitation or something, the way things stand they will probably rarely ever see the child. I dated someone like that, and he loved his kid dearly and paid child support, but only saw the kid once every year or two.
posted by wending my way at 5:18 PM on August 11, 2010
By "these men," I included your boyfriend at 20. Not your boyfriend now, obviously.
posted by wending my way at 5:18 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by wending my way at 5:18 PM on August 11, 2010
Nthing "do not contact her." I can see the twisted-by-emotions logic that may make it seem like a good idea for closure and all that but nothing good will come of it.
posted by griphus at 5:41 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by griphus at 5:41 PM on August 11, 2010
Response by poster: For what it's worth, I'd never contact the ex without my boyfriend's cooperation. I am not resentful of the child; I went through a divorce as a child, and it was terrible and painful and destructive without the introduction of a possible other parent. It was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and it hurt my parents even more. And I know if I ever met the lady, I'm certain that I'd like her and *agony* empathize with her. She seems quite lovely, actually. So all I can do is insult her choices now.
But, there's too much empathy. I am hurt and angry no matter how much I know these things. And that is quite frustrating.
posted by thebeagle at 5:44 PM on August 11, 2010
But, there's too much empathy. I am hurt and angry no matter how much I know these things. And that is quite frustrating.
posted by thebeagle at 5:44 PM on August 11, 2010
There was a very relevant New York Times article about this situation last year, detailing some of the legalities of the situation, and how the court rulings often seem unintuitive and unfair. IIRC, among the possible outcomes is that your boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's soon-to-be-ex may be declared the father and forced to pay child support in spite of DNA testing saying otherwise.
link
Does your boyfriend want to be involved in this child's life?
posted by Metasyntactic at 5:52 PM on August 11, 2010
link
Does your boyfriend want to be involved in this child's life?
posted by Metasyntactic at 5:52 PM on August 11, 2010
Everybody is telling you "lawyer lawyer lawyer". Please listen to them.
In some places, the mother's husband at the time of the child's birth is the legal father, and would be the one paying child support, regardless of the actual paternity. However, if your boyfriend is the father and wants to be involved, this complicates things.
To illustrate an extreme example see this: a case in Michigan where a man ruled by the court to be the father was forced to pay child support for a time to the actual biological father, who had full custody of the child after divorcing the mother.
You say the mother is not looking for child support. If this is because it will be paid by someone else, that's one thing. If no-one is paying child support, that's completely different. Child support is not a right that the mother can abdicate. She can neglect to go after it, but it is a right belonging to the child, not her. If he ever goes into state care (including but not limited to foster care) or if the mother applies for welfare benefits, a professional advocate for the child's rights will be tracking down the person who should be paying, regardless of anyone's friendly intentions.
Even if none of that is applicable to your particular situation, how about this -- the kid is graduating from high school and has no money for university, and during a funding brainstorm, he realizes he is owed a lifetime of child support. Your boyfriend will look like a nice wallet, and if this child hasn't been a part of his life, he'll be a nice wallet without any emotional entanglement. In some places, as long as a ruling is made before the child reaches the age of majority (or variable post-secondary educational milestones) the parent will still owe every penny.
posted by Sallyfur at 6:25 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
In some places, the mother's husband at the time of the child's birth is the legal father, and would be the one paying child support, regardless of the actual paternity. However, if your boyfriend is the father and wants to be involved, this complicates things.
To illustrate an extreme example see this: a case in Michigan where a man ruled by the court to be the father was forced to pay child support for a time to the actual biological father, who had full custody of the child after divorcing the mother.
You say the mother is not looking for child support. If this is because it will be paid by someone else, that's one thing. If no-one is paying child support, that's completely different. Child support is not a right that the mother can abdicate. She can neglect to go after it, but it is a right belonging to the child, not her. If he ever goes into state care (including but not limited to foster care) or if the mother applies for welfare benefits, a professional advocate for the child's rights will be tracking down the person who should be paying, regardless of anyone's friendly intentions.
Even if none of that is applicable to your particular situation, how about this -- the kid is graduating from high school and has no money for university, and during a funding brainstorm, he realizes he is owed a lifetime of child support. Your boyfriend will look like a nice wallet, and if this child hasn't been a part of his life, he'll be a nice wallet without any emotional entanglement. In some places, as long as a ruling is made before the child reaches the age of majority (or variable post-secondary educational milestones) the parent will still owe every penny.
posted by Sallyfur at 6:25 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]
I know you didn't ask about those specific things, but I offer them in the hope that you can use the information to protect future-you from more bad feelings. Especially if you are going to be supplying part of the household income that helps to support this boy.
posted by Sallyfur at 6:30 PM on August 11, 2010
posted by Sallyfur at 6:30 PM on August 11, 2010
(Assuming this kid is your boyfriend's son...)
First, let's look at whose needs should be considered first. First, the kid, no questions asked. Second, probably your boyfriend, this is a huge life change, he's a father. Maybe some other people come third (boyfriend's parents, boyfriend's ex, etc). Then at the bottom of this list is you. Remember no matter how angry you get, you're not the one that matters. If that makes you jealous or upset, then you need to bail on this relationship now. Would that make you a shitty girlfriend for not sticking by your boyfriend during probably one of the hardest parts of his life? Sure, but at least he'll know where your needs and priorities are.
Let's see who you are angry at. You can't be angry at the kid, it's not his fault. You can't be angry at your boyfriend, after all, getting pregnant is a known side effect of having sex and unless you and your boyfriend both claims to be virgins, it seems you must be OK with people having sex. So you must be mad at the ex, and not for having sex with your boyfriend and this baby, but for not telling your boyfriend until now.
Maybe when your boyfriend was 20, he was an irresponsible jackass and the mom thought it best that he wasn't around anyhow?
But in the end, she did not tell him for years. If she did tell him right away and still didn't take any part in raising the kid, you would not ever consider dating your boyfriend, right? He would still have a kid that didn't have 50% of your DNA. And that's the problem, right? You want kids with some awesome guy you find and the fact that someone else had a kid with him makes you less special? Well then it sounds like the only problem here is you found out too late he has a kid, as opposed to on the first date. So why don't you just tell your boyfriend that had you known at any time that he already had a kid, that you wouldn't have wanted a relationship because it's a deal breaker.
I will never understand why some people think their DNA is so amazing that they need to reproduce. There's enough people in this world and I doubt that you plus the guy you held out for for so many years and had pined for your entire life are going to come up with the next Mozart or Einstein. Maybe you (or your boyfriend) are sterile anyhow and the entire issue is moot.
posted by Brian Puccio at 6:36 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
First, let's look at whose needs should be considered first. First, the kid, no questions asked. Second, probably your boyfriend, this is a huge life change, he's a father. Maybe some other people come third (boyfriend's parents, boyfriend's ex, etc). Then at the bottom of this list is you. Remember no matter how angry you get, you're not the one that matters. If that makes you jealous or upset, then you need to bail on this relationship now. Would that make you a shitty girlfriend for not sticking by your boyfriend during probably one of the hardest parts of his life? Sure, but at least he'll know where your needs and priorities are.
Let's see who you are angry at. You can't be angry at the kid, it's not his fault. You can't be angry at your boyfriend, after all, getting pregnant is a known side effect of having sex and unless you and your boyfriend both claims to be virgins, it seems you must be OK with people having sex. So you must be mad at the ex, and not for having sex with your boyfriend and this baby, but for not telling your boyfriend until now.
Maybe when your boyfriend was 20, he was an irresponsible jackass and the mom thought it best that he wasn't around anyhow?
But in the end, she did not tell him for years. If she did tell him right away and still didn't take any part in raising the kid, you would not ever consider dating your boyfriend, right? He would still have a kid that didn't have 50% of your DNA. And that's the problem, right? You want kids with some awesome guy you find and the fact that someone else had a kid with him makes you less special? Well then it sounds like the only problem here is you found out too late he has a kid, as opposed to on the first date. So why don't you just tell your boyfriend that had you known at any time that he already had a kid, that you wouldn't have wanted a relationship because it's a deal breaker.
I will never understand why some people think their DNA is so amazing that they need to reproduce. There's enough people in this world and I doubt that you plus the guy you held out for for so many years and had pined for your entire life are going to come up with the next Mozart or Einstein. Maybe you (or your boyfriend) are sterile anyhow and the entire issue is moot.
posted by Brian Puccio at 6:36 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As I would probably react the same way (maybe worse because we both don't have any interest in having children), my only advice is to make sure he gets the paternity test.
She may not be looking for money now - but she may later if she's not able to dump one of the kids off on you guys.
posted by KogeLiz at 12:22 PM on August 11, 2010 [2 favorites]