Where does the good go?
August 11, 2010 8:03 AM Subscribe
It was good. Now it's over. What do you do with that?
Long story. I have been seeing a really awesome guy on and off for over a year now. He lives almost six hours away, which made things difficult, but we seemed to make it work out okay for awhile. This will be the third time that he has broken it off with me. After we got back together the second time, I really thought this was going to work out. We made each other happy. We were really good for each other, in a way that no other boyfriend has been for me. He helped me look at things differently, he encouraged me to stop smoking, his influence is half the reason I went back to school, etc. On his side, I think I was his sounding board, I helped encourage him to write more music, etc. I really saw this going somewhere.
Then, my best friend got drunk at a wedding, slapped my boyfriend, and told him that he needed to treat me better. This sort of made things spiral downward. What I think she was referring to is that he had not really made any sort of solid commitment to me (because otherwise, he has treated me better than pretty much all the men prior). But I knew what it felt like and how he treated me and I knew that the distance was difficult, so I wasn't 100% okay with that, but I could go with it. I knew he wasn't dating anyone else. But, anyway, that night, a lot of stuff came out about how he thought I would screw him over, that all his exes had done that, etc, etc.
And then he broke it off again. And then he came back again. During this, I was the "right girl" and "exactly the kind of girl" that someone like him needs. But then, two weeks or so ago, it's over. Again.
At first, the reason was sort of me and there was sort of this character flaw that he alluded to, but wouldn't tell me what it was (and had never actually complained about anything to do with my character/personality to me ever in the past year that I can remember). Now, it's more like it isn't about me. But, despite not asking me what I wanted out of the relationship, he has decided that he cannot give it to me. One minute, he knows what he wants and the next he says he doesn't. I 100% understand that he needs to figure a lot of stuff out for himself... but I thought we did a really good job figuring things out together and want to help him. I'm the most awesome girl he's ever met, but somehow that isn't enough. And it's even come down to us possibly not even being able to have a friendship because if we keep talking to each other, he thinks all of this will just happen again. But... doesn't that say something in itself? It's not like we live down the street and just keep falling into bed together every other day or something.
So while I've been through break-ups before, I have never broken up with someone when it was going well. Days before he broke it off again, things seemed normal except he was being really hesitant about me coming to see him. He came down to visit mutual friends this past weekend (which seemed kind of shitty since he knew he would see me and I had requested not to see him for awhile) and acted pretty normal. He kissed me on the cheek and told me how good it was to see me, even. Not fair, in my book. If things were going badly, that's one thing. But I thought we were happy? And if you asked him, I don't think that he would argue that.
So really this is tl;dr.
Basically: How do you get over breaking up with someone when the relationship had been going well? Or am I just blinded on my end? How can I take all the nice things that he said about me, about the relationship, etc and just accept them for what they are, not try to hold on based on them?
Long story. I have been seeing a really awesome guy on and off for over a year now. He lives almost six hours away, which made things difficult, but we seemed to make it work out okay for awhile. This will be the third time that he has broken it off with me. After we got back together the second time, I really thought this was going to work out. We made each other happy. We were really good for each other, in a way that no other boyfriend has been for me. He helped me look at things differently, he encouraged me to stop smoking, his influence is half the reason I went back to school, etc. On his side, I think I was his sounding board, I helped encourage him to write more music, etc. I really saw this going somewhere.
Then, my best friend got drunk at a wedding, slapped my boyfriend, and told him that he needed to treat me better. This sort of made things spiral downward. What I think she was referring to is that he had not really made any sort of solid commitment to me (because otherwise, he has treated me better than pretty much all the men prior). But I knew what it felt like and how he treated me and I knew that the distance was difficult, so I wasn't 100% okay with that, but I could go with it. I knew he wasn't dating anyone else. But, anyway, that night, a lot of stuff came out about how he thought I would screw him over, that all his exes had done that, etc, etc.
And then he broke it off again. And then he came back again. During this, I was the "right girl" and "exactly the kind of girl" that someone like him needs. But then, two weeks or so ago, it's over. Again.
At first, the reason was sort of me and there was sort of this character flaw that he alluded to, but wouldn't tell me what it was (and had never actually complained about anything to do with my character/personality to me ever in the past year that I can remember). Now, it's more like it isn't about me. But, despite not asking me what I wanted out of the relationship, he has decided that he cannot give it to me. One minute, he knows what he wants and the next he says he doesn't. I 100% understand that he needs to figure a lot of stuff out for himself... but I thought we did a really good job figuring things out together and want to help him. I'm the most awesome girl he's ever met, but somehow that isn't enough. And it's even come down to us possibly not even being able to have a friendship because if we keep talking to each other, he thinks all of this will just happen again. But... doesn't that say something in itself? It's not like we live down the street and just keep falling into bed together every other day or something.
So while I've been through break-ups before, I have never broken up with someone when it was going well. Days before he broke it off again, things seemed normal except he was being really hesitant about me coming to see him. He came down to visit mutual friends this past weekend (which seemed kind of shitty since he knew he would see me and I had requested not to see him for awhile) and acted pretty normal. He kissed me on the cheek and told me how good it was to see me, even. Not fair, in my book. If things were going badly, that's one thing. But I thought we were happy? And if you asked him, I don't think that he would argue that.
So really this is tl;dr.
Basically: How do you get over breaking up with someone when the relationship had been going well? Or am I just blinded on my end? How can I take all the nice things that he said about me, about the relationship, etc and just accept them for what they are, not try to hold on based on them?
This post was deleted for the following reason: poster's request -- jessamyn
And it's even come down to us possibly not even being able to have a friendship because if we keep talking to each other, he thinks all of this will just happen again. But... doesn't that say something in itself?No, not really. A clean break can be the best for both people emotionally. What your slap-happy best friend was probably alluding to is that your boy needed to figure out what he wanted to do with you, in his emotional world, because he was probably leading you on quite a bit. If he wasn't emotionally 100% into you -- if he thought that you have character flaws, for instance -- then you probably don't need to be together, because you deserve to find someone who will be 100% into you.
I think you were a bit blinded on your end. It really can be better. While it looks like a lot of work on the surface -- this is a huge sign that you should go forth and find someone who it will be better with.
posted by SpecialK at 8:10 AM on August 11, 2010
Um, okay I don't really agree that things were going well if he lived six hours away and broke up with you three times. But to answer your question I leaned heavily on my friends and kept busy and I made a point of not seeing him. It sucks and there's no real magic to it. You just have to keep going until one day you get up and you go a whole day wo thinking about the ex or the break up.
posted by bananafish at 8:15 AM on August 11, 2010
posted by bananafish at 8:15 AM on August 11, 2010
I think you are blinded on your end. Your best friend got drunk and slapped him over the way he treats you. Think about that. No, it's not mature or acceptable behavior on your friend's part, but if he's upsetting someone who loves you to that degree, there is something going on here that you need to try to let yourself see.
posted by something something at 8:16 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by something something at 8:16 AM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]
He's not who you think he is.
Why do I say that?
Because the person you think he is would not break off with you when its going so well. So he is not who you think he is, and therefore you were dating someone else. In time you will be grateful that its over, as you come to see who he really was in the relationship.
But just keep saying to yourself: My guy wouldnt do this to me, so he's not who I thought he was. He's someone else, whom I don't really know.
posted by zia at 8:21 AM on August 11, 2010
Why do I say that?
Because the person you think he is would not break off with you when its going so well. So he is not who you think he is, and therefore you were dating someone else. In time you will be grateful that its over, as you come to see who he really was in the relationship.
But just keep saying to yourself: My guy wouldnt do this to me, so he's not who I thought he was. He's someone else, whom I don't really know.
posted by zia at 8:21 AM on August 11, 2010
This thread is closed to new comments.
Let him go and stop seeing as much of him. Realize that it takes two people to hold a relationship together. Stop seeing or contacting him so much, develop some other hobbies to deal with your time and feelings and move forward.
Good luck!
posted by nomadicink at 8:10 AM on August 11, 2010