Can I make new close friendships as I get older?

August 9, 2010 6:56 AM

As I get older, will it be harder to make close friends?

I'm 31 and have had a pretty easy go of making friends up to this point. I had a large social circle in university, but I moved away after graduation and kept only a couple close friendships. Then I went overseas and that same thing happened. Likewise having gone back to school and moved to new cities for work. So I move around a lot and I've managed to maintain four or five key, close friendships from my school/work/travels, none of whom live in the same city as me. This isn't really a problem since I can see them a couple times a year and we manage to all get together at least once.

I have no problem being alone. I consider myself to be pretty confident and can entertain myself with ease. I enjoy my own company and if I need some social interaction I can get together with some people from work. But I moved to a new city a year ago and have yet to meet anyone here yet who would qualify as a potential close friend. I mean someone whom I could call on the phone and talk with effortlessly for an hour, just to catch up and shoot the shit, just grab a beer with, or just drop in on. I have good acquaintances at work who are all fantastic. But there's no spark, you know? Friday comes and I don't see them again until Monday, nor do I really want to.

I'm wondering if this is a function of aging. Do a lot of us make our close friends in our 20s and then just stop? I'm not worried about this, I'm just trying to adjust my expectations for the future. I moved for work and I'm not about to give up my career because I miss my friends. But if, in ten or fifteen years, I'm still in the same job and having the same trouble forging new close friendships, it might make me reconsider.

Anyone older than me, have you encountered this? And did it ever feel like you were making a trade-off between career, family, and friends? I hope this isn't too vague or rambling.

posted by fso to Human Relations (26 answers total)

The last truly close friend I made, other than girlfriends/spouses, was back when I was a teenager. I'm 40 now, and rarely meet and/or spend enough time with new people to develop close friendships. Don't know if that's typical or just a data-point, but I have a feeling it's true for many people as they get older.
posted by eas98 at 7:05 AM on August 9, 2010

Yes. By the time you reach even your mid-30s, many of your "age cohort" (possibly including yourself) has become enmeshed in a busy world of relationships, jobs, preexisting friendships, family obligations, and often children. They have less free time and fewer "available relationship attachment points." It is possible to make friends with people younger than yourself, who are more open to new friendships, but this also becomes more difficult as the age gap (along with its attendant perspective changes, needs, resources, etc) widens.

It is by no means impossible to make friends at all stages of your life, but I do believe it becomes more difficult as you age.
posted by GenjiandProust at 7:08 AM on August 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

I'm 33 and I've found it harder, yes. It's not impossible, but it does require more effort than when I was younger, presumably because once we're through with school, we're not thrown in with a bunch of our peers all day long. Sure, there are people around at work, but it seems a lot harder to find people with whom I have a lot in common. People are also less likely to go out at this age due to marriages and family, etc.

That said, it being harder doesn't mean it can't happen. I've made my closest friends in my current city through a book club organized mostly via craigslist. They're great and I enjoy spending time with them, but the people I consider my "best" friends are still the ones I met when I was growing up.
posted by something something at 7:09 AM on August 9, 2010

I've also been thinking about this a lot.

I'm 30 and haven't had close friendships in years.
Although, I do consider myself socially retarded and introverted.

Around the age of 23-26, I had a lot of acquaintances at the bars/clubs/parties I would attend and a few close friends.

I'm guessing a lot of people around our age have started having kids - that may have something to do with it.

I also move around a lot - three states last year. And I kind of dislike talking on the phone.
It really confuses me - but I kind of don't want any. It takes too much energy from me.

I kind of feel like my boyfriend is enough. We do a lot of things together - that's who I talk to about everything. I also have a large open family that I talk to as well.

I still have a lot of old best friends that live out of state that I talk to occasionally via text message. And if I'm in town, i'll try to hang out with old friends... but other than that. I don't know.
posted by KogeLiz at 7:21 AM on August 9, 2010

This has not been my experience. I do regularly parcipiate in structured activites that expose me to a rotation of new people with similar interests, and my newer friends have been made that way. Friendships change over time, morph, slide, and return.

I do consider myself an introvert, I don't have children, and while I am married, we pursue independent interests and my friends tend to be sinlge. I am 41.

If you have a passion to pursue, it's going to help. Maybe you can develop one. Book club, volunteer, go to a meet-up - that sort of advice that gets trotted out for dating applies even easier to finding friends.
posted by rainbaby at 7:23 AM on August 9, 2010

Also, this is the ultimate self-fulfilling prophecy. Other people believe the self-fulfilling prophecy too, so you will have to try harder in order to push back against their assumptions.

When I look at my friends who are married, friends with several children, etc, many of whom I made in my 30s, there's really no correlation between numbers of kids, marriedness, etcetera, and willingness to socialize with new people. Some people declare social defeat at that point and many others don't; you just need to put out enough feelers often enough to connect with the ones who don't.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 7:27 AM on August 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

Up 'til now, you've found others incidentally because of the environments they had in common with you. Now that you aren't in the same kinds of environments, you have to be more intentional about finding them. Add a new environment to your life. Maybe a church, a local sports league, a Toastmasters group, a Rotary club, whatever. Find something you're interested in and don't make excuses; you can find like-minded people but you have to be deliberate about it. Maybe take some more classes at the local art center, dance studio, or vo-tech institute.
posted by The Winsome Parker Lewis at 7:29 AM on August 9, 2010 [2 favorites]

Completely depends on the person. An acquaintance of mine is in her fifties with a wide circle of friends that grows every year. Another friend of mine has about ten friends. She's 38. Me? I have two good friends at the age of 42 - one from high school and one from these past few years at college. I'm an introvert though.

Those are just three samples. Everyone has their own social circle. If someone has enough energy and time in their life to keep up with multiple friendships then they'll have a wide circle of friends. I lack the energy.
posted by patheral at 7:29 AM on August 9, 2010

Maybe. I do think you have to put more effort into it as you get older, because there are just more obstacles to overcome, as mentioned above.
But I make a couple of new friends a year, probably, and I am 35, married, with a kid. I have found that you just have to pursue people a bit more; for me, friendships don't just happen the way they did in my teens and 20s.
posted by gaspode at 7:33 AM on August 9, 2010

At 41, I feel like there's a trade-off: making new friends isn't the effortless thing that happened when I was 15 or 20 or 25, when most of my social circle had the same general interests, schedule, and pastimes. It's incredibly easy to make friends when you're thrown together consistently with a group of people in class or in dorms.

(A bright spot from the other end of the age spectrum: my mother found a similar phenomenon when she moved to a retirement community. Because she was thrown together with a large group day after day, it became very easy to identify the people within that group with whom she could foster a deeper connection.)

But I do still find it reasonably easy to meet new people, and to socialize with them... and because we aren't thrown together daily by classes or dormitory living, we do have to make a small effort to get to know each other better and to spend time together. The good news: I find that the friendships that do arise out of these connections seem to be more deeply-rooted, more a product of shared interests and affection than many of my younger friendships, which were often based in part on proximity and frequency of contact.

One of the best things my friends and I have done to foster these connections: once we're confident that we really enjoy spending time together, we make a standing date. That could be a biweekly coffee date or a monthly lunch or a book club or a recurring movie night or just a habit of going grocery shopping together, whatever suits you and your new friends.

Once this is established, it's not a question of whether you're going to get together, but only of when. That makes a big difference in scheduling.
posted by Elsa at 7:33 AM on August 9, 2010 [4 favorites]

I beg to differ, although I agree with the fact that there are less instances where we are thrown in with a bunch of people who are the same sorts of ages, it doesn't mean that you can't make the best friend you'll ever have after you hit 30.

Use your confidence to your advantage. You sound like a pretty cool guy, confident but also chilled. Those are great qualities to find new friends with. Go out to a club (e.g film club or sports club) that looks vaguely interesting or for a beer at a bar or something. I've found in the past that the simpleness of sitting down on the bench with someone sitting on it rather than the other empty bench can be a great way of talking to someone new.

Also, because there are several people who feel this way, there should also be more people willing to try and makes freinds as they get older. I would personally love to make new friends with the possability of becoming close friends with a couple of them even when i reach my late years.
posted by sockpim at 7:35 AM on August 9, 2010

I've had the best experiences making friends since my late thirties. It's more intentional, but that also means deeper and more reliable friendships. Honestly, my social life has never been better, wider, or more rewarding. (I'm an introvert, FWIW.)
posted by catlet at 8:19 AM on August 9, 2010

I'm 35 and met most of my close friends when I moved to a new city at the age of 30. I didn't have many friends in my 20s and it really bothered me, so I just made it a personal goal to meet more people in my 30s and hopefully end up with some friends. It's worked out pretty well!

I did have the advantage of living in a city that people around my age -- many without any sort of social network -- move to in droves. Still, I definitely had to get out of my nice, comfortable introvert shell and make a serious effort to make friends. Basically I flocked toward groups that were doing things that I already really liked to do or things that I wanted to learn more about/become more involved with. Online dating also led to several friendships.
posted by medeine at 10:07 AM on August 9, 2010

I don't think there is one true answer one way or the other. I'm 45, and while I have close friendships that date back to my late teens and early twenties, I have had a recent experience in which I met new people who became good friends almost from the start.

I will note that throughout my thirties I did not make many new friends, at least not of a similar age to myself. As others have noted, that is often a period of obligations such as marriage, children, family, homeownership, etc that take precedence over socializing. During this time I drifted away from a few friends of a similar age as they were preoccupied with those things, but I was not. I did form a few friendships with people about 10 years younger than myself - and, now that I'm in my forties and they are in their thirties, I'm seeing marriage, children, family, homeownership, etc. becoming the focus of their lives and again, as that is not a part of my life, those friends are becoming more distant.
posted by chez shoes at 11:10 AM on August 9, 2010

I'm a fairly introverted 30 year old, but I've made more friends over the last couple years than I can handle. The primary factor is the demographics of the town I moved to. The number of outgoing single child-free individuals over the age 30 is quite high where I live. Before I moved to my current city, I lived in another city for five years and only made a few acquaintances. I actually began wondering if there was something socially wrong with me. So in a nut shell, location location location.
posted by Beardsley Klamm at 12:02 PM on August 9, 2010

I think the answer is that for many people it takes more effort to make friends as you age. When in college you have a thousand people right ther who are ready to become your friend. Not so when you enter the workforce, so you have to go to the effort of joining groups and pursuing hobbies to make friend. My father at 63 has more close friends than anyone I know, but he met them all through his hobby of poetry and writing. So I think it is possible to have close friend as you age but you kinda have to work at it. I'm 35 and I've made some good friends through a volunteer group.
posted by bananafish at 12:06 PM on August 9, 2010

My mom is a fairly extroverted person with a lot of acquaintances, but not many really close friends other than her siblings. She had a handful of really close friendships from high school that fizzled out, now she has one best friend. She met the woman in church when she was in her late 30s/early 40s. They were just acquaintances at first and became best friends over the years.

I think that is an example of what other people are saying. That it's not necessarily age per se, but being in situations that allow you to grow together with a diverse, somewhat changing group of people over a period of a few years. You won't be a fit with everyone, and you also won't know who will become a good friend right off the bat, because I think a lot of the time good friendships for from that growing-together thing rather than an instantaneous clicking, platonic love at first sight type of thing. So I think you need a place that's stable and you can get to know people over a long time, but also has somewhat of a regular flow of new people in and out. The workplace is kind of stagnant in that way because it's just the same small group of people, unless you have high turnover in your workplace.
posted by Ashley801 at 12:19 PM on August 9, 2010

Everyone above is talking about finding people to hang out with as you get older (harder but it can be done), not making close friends. The real answer to your question is this: it is all but impossible to make new close friends as you get older.

When you are born you have no defenses, and throughout a normal childhood you aren't hurt overly much or badly and so you develop few. Then you go to school and are thrown together with a bunch of other mushy pink defenseless blobs and you make close friendships and really break each others' hearts and spirits because you can touch each other. However, every time you are hurt you create a plate of armor in that spot. The worse the hurt the thicker the armor. By the time you reach college most people have a pretty full suit of armor, but with enough chinks to still be touched by other people. But as you enter adulthood those gaps are covered over and you are fully ensconced in a suit of armor that allows no one to hurt you and consequently no one to really touch you. A thirty-something can meet people at a book club or at work or wherever and have interests in common and do things with the people they meet, but they can almost never develop a truly close friendship with new acquaintances any more than two people in full suits of armor could have sex. So yes it will be harder and harder for you to make new acquaintances as you age because you and your peer group will have less and less free time, but as for making new close friends, you can pretty much forget it. You have closed yourself off completely at this point and so has everyone else your age. The people you meet cannot hurt you, but they also can't really know you. Adulthood is a profoundly lonely place.
posted by ND¢ at 1:48 PM on August 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

I agree with NDcent
posted by patnok at 1:54 PM on August 9, 2010

I'm twice as old as many of you, and I don't think I've made a new, true friend in a couple of decades. Somehow, even trying to do so seems very difficult and daunting: all those confidences to share, all those shared experiences you just don't and won't have. Moving around a lot doesn't help, either; you get more accustomed to not having such a rich social life, especially if you lean toward introversion anyway. In addition, if you're a certain kind of introvert, and you're part of a couple who share a lot of interests, you may not be motivated to seek many other friends.
On the other hand, if you split up, you can end up not just alone but somewhat shy, perhaps, and with somewhat atrophied friend-making skills.
On the other-other hand, I've got many friends from my 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, etc, with whom I'm in touch by phone and email, even though we've all moved all over the country and don't live close to one another anymore. Lately, I've consciously sought to make friends in the city where I've lived, part of the time alone, for a couple of years. I'm volunteering, returning smiles, and generally being a more congenial old fart than I've been recently. Mostly because now I have to. And I'm recently in touch with friends I haven't seen in many many years.
Advice? Make as many friends as you can right now, and keep on making them as you age so you don't lose the skill. At some point you'll probably unconsciously "decide" you've got enough friends, it's too much trouble to keep adding more. But do. Some you'll lose, some you'll lose touch with and some--remember this--will die.
posted by fivesavagepalms at 1:56 PM on August 9, 2010

I disagree with NDcent. It becomes much harder to form really close attachments as you get older, but you can do it. Most of my "inner circle" of friends are people I have known for 20+ years, but I have a few in the 10-15 year range, and one I met only about 3 years ago, and I am in my mid-40s. These are people who I care enough about (and who care enough about me) to stay in contact fairly regularly despite distance, and who I make a regular effort to see in person, making the relationships "attrition resistant." By contrast, I am in regular contact with only one person I knew in grade school, and no one I met between the ages of 20 and about 25. Of course, that is all anecdote, and is probably affected by my tendency to move fairly often.
posted by GenjiandProust at 4:18 PM on August 9, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think it is harder to make friends when you're older because the frequency of your interactions with people becomes less. It takes face time with people to become friends. When your younger, your in the same classes, dorms, teams, etc. You see each other all the time and this frequency builds bonds. As you get older, you are bouncing around from city to city, job to job, project to project, etc. etc. You don't get the face time to build friendships. Sure it happens, and sometime you meet people you just click with, but for the most part, it takes a whole lot of interaction for people to let down their guards and say 'Dude, want to bring your wife and come over for dinner and play Catan on Friday night with my wife'.

I would love to have a lot more friends, and I don't have any trouble making friends. I just don't get the opportunity to meet new people AND interact with them enough to form a bond. I meet new people every week, and I might see them again, like 3 months later. That's isn't frequent enough to become close friends.

This is why I have metafilter. Everyone here is awesome and I can talk to them everyday. I just wish we all lived in the same neighborhood. That would rock!
posted by jasondigitized at 5:27 PM on August 9, 2010

As I approach 30, I find that, if I'm going to initiate new friendships, it's probably going to be through people who are already connected to my social circle. For instance a friend's sister moves to town, and she becomes one of the gang. Somebody gets a serious girlfriend or boyfriend, somebody's old college friend resurfaces, stuff like that. Often someone like that will gradually float around in our group, and months later I discover that this person has become a close friend.

It also used to be that I made friends via hobbies and group activities, but I find that it doesn't happen as much as it used to. Maybe I'm just not as intense about my hobbies these days?
posted by Sara C. at 2:31 PM on August 10, 2010

Everyone above is talking about finding people to hang out with as you get older (harder but it can be done), not making close friends. The real answer to your question is this: it is all but impossible to make new close friends as you get older.

I realize that everyone's experience is different, but just to be clear: I was absolutely talking about making close friendships, loved and intimate friendships, establishing deep connections with friends I expect and hope to keep in my life for decades to come. I have established many friendships like that in the decade between 30 and 40.

Though it's sadly true for some that adulthood is (as ND¢ says) a profoundly lonely place, that doesn't mean it's profoundly lonely for everyone. If you hope to make good, lasting friendships, don't despair and think it's overwhelmingly difficult. I can testify that, for some people, it is reasonably easy.
posted by Elsa at 3:33 PM on August 10, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think it depends where you live. I've been an east coaster all my life and recently moved to California. I can seem to get anywhere with people here because they are so damn noncommittal, flaky, and sometimes cancel plans at the last minute. It's rude and I don't know how people deal with it. I thought I was crazy but several of my east coast friends who have lived in Cali for years confirm the same thing. So yeah it makes it hard to find friends when you can't even get anyone to commit to doing anything fun.
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 4:30 PM on August 11, 2010 [1 favorite]

I meant that I CAN'T seem to get anywhere with people here... (damn iPhone)
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 4:32 PM on August 11, 2010