Ex-gf of last month is getting married. Why has this upset me?
August 7, 2010 11:25 PM Subscribe
I just found out the exgf - of 3-4 weeks - is engaged. Help me sort out of my feelings and make me realize this has nothing to do with me?
I posted a week ago here about the end of a relationship that was very stifling and where I was practically being forced to either get married or move on (after only 6 months).
Tonight on my Facebook News Feed I saw that she's now engaged and all her friends congratulating her. I have never been so flabbergasted/upset/surprised/shocked by something.
I don't know who it is she's getting married, and I don't think she was seeing him while we were together, but I could be wrong who knows. I figure it has to be some sort of arranged marriage as it's not uncommon on our backgrounds.
During the masochistic minutes while I was reading her wall, I could tell that she's very happy and excited and the date has been set. I then deleted her from my FB which is something I should've done before anyway.
I feel so upset by this, and I don't know why. We broke up because I didn't want to get married because I just moved to this new country, struggling to find a steady job, savings are getting low, and we never even said I love you to each other and she wanted to get married. She was also pretty possessive, and other things I don't feel like repeating here, they're mentioned in the other thread.
She's now happy so I'm glad for her. But why has this news shocked me so bad? It really upset me when I read it, I absolutely could not believe it. It's been less than a month.
I now feel that because I'm 27 and am unmarried I'm some sort of failure. Like if I lost the opportunity and should've gotten married to her (even though I know in my head that would not have made me happy). Or maybe I would've been?
Please help me realize this has nothing to do with me, and I should just put this out of my mind and carry on with my life.
I am sorry if this is rambling, I am in such a daze and confused.
I posted a week ago here about the end of a relationship that was very stifling and where I was practically being forced to either get married or move on (after only 6 months).
Tonight on my Facebook News Feed I saw that she's now engaged and all her friends congratulating her. I have never been so flabbergasted/upset/surprised/shocked by something.
I don't know who it is she's getting married, and I don't think she was seeing him while we were together, but I could be wrong who knows. I figure it has to be some sort of arranged marriage as it's not uncommon on our backgrounds.
During the masochistic minutes while I was reading her wall, I could tell that she's very happy and excited and the date has been set. I then deleted her from my FB which is something I should've done before anyway.
I feel so upset by this, and I don't know why. We broke up because I didn't want to get married because I just moved to this new country, struggling to find a steady job, savings are getting low, and we never even said I love you to each other and she wanted to get married. She was also pretty possessive, and other things I don't feel like repeating here, they're mentioned in the other thread.
She's now happy so I'm glad for her. But why has this news shocked me so bad? It really upset me when I read it, I absolutely could not believe it. It's been less than a month.
I now feel that because I'm 27 and am unmarried I'm some sort of failure. Like if I lost the opportunity and should've gotten married to her (even though I know in my head that would not have made me happy). Or maybe I would've been?
Please help me realize this has nothing to do with me, and I should just put this out of my mind and carry on with my life.
I am sorry if this is rambling, I am in such a daze and confused.
Best answer: She wanted to get married. Not to anybody in particular. Just married. This is what she wanted before she met you and it's what she wanted after you broke up. Nothing you did seems to have affected this core desire in any way.
Now she's getting what she wants. Be glad you're not the person giving it to her. I don't imagine it will be a particularly successful road to happiness for anyone involved.
It sounds like you have your shoulders on straight. Something better will come along.
posted by 256 at 11:30 PM on August 7, 2010 [35 favorites]
Now she's getting what she wants. Be glad you're not the person giving it to her. I don't imagine it will be a particularly successful road to happiness for anyone involved.
It sounds like you have your shoulders on straight. Something better will come along.
posted by 256 at 11:30 PM on August 7, 2010 [35 favorites]
Best answer: When I left my last girlfriend, my mom said something along the lines of "better alone than poorly accompanied." This will probably ache for a little bit, but you'll probably look at it as a good decision in retrospect.
posted by Gilbert at 11:59 PM on August 7, 2010 [20 favorites]
posted by Gilbert at 11:59 PM on August 7, 2010 [20 favorites]
You're perhaps subconsciously taking it as a rebuke, and it's natural in the immediate aftermath of a breakup to think that every other potential partner is going to be like yourself and view the person in exactly the same way. You might be taking her FB friends' congratulations as rebukes, too, though you're likely just seeing boilerplate congratulations.
There's also the nagging what did I miss? hinted in your "Or maybe I would've been?" -- the creeping thought that you just didn't find the switch that turned your relationship into till death do us part. You may also be thinking "how the heck can she find someone to marry in that time?" but you also have the inkling that she's called in the backup of an arranged marriage.
Another conjecture: you dated for a number of months, and you still have the equivalent of screen burn on your social life.
While I don't buy into the astrological explanation, I'm inclined towards the idea that the late 20s mark new beginnings and endings. Assessing who you are and what you want at this point in your life isn't a bad thing, but marriage only factors into that assessment if it extends from the decisions you make about yourself.
posted by holgate at 12:02 AM on August 8, 2010
There's also the nagging what did I miss? hinted in your "Or maybe I would've been?" -- the creeping thought that you just didn't find the switch that turned your relationship into till death do us part. You may also be thinking "how the heck can she find someone to marry in that time?" but you also have the inkling that she's called in the backup of an arranged marriage.
Another conjecture: you dated for a number of months, and you still have the equivalent of screen burn on your social life.
While I don't buy into the astrological explanation, I'm inclined towards the idea that the late 20s mark new beginnings and endings. Assessing who you are and what you want at this point in your life isn't a bad thing, but marriage only factors into that assessment if it extends from the decisions you make about yourself.
posted by holgate at 12:02 AM on August 8, 2010
Best answer: She's marrying a guy after breaking up with you 3 or 4 weeks ago? Dude. You lucked out. You escaped by the hair on your chinny chin chin. Clearly, while some in your culture are interested in arranged marriages, you're looking for something different. She wasn't that something different. Keep looking.
Also: go back and reread your question about breaking up with her. This question and your earlier one sounds like you're just going through the normal doubts and considerations and blues that accompany Great Life Changes, like break-ups and busted carburators. Don't forget, you're still new in town, and it takes awhile to acclimate.
After browsing through some of your old questions, it seems you're a careful and considerate person who tends towards long-winded self-examination. That's a good thing, but it means in situations like these, you fall down the rabbit hole. Time will be your best prescription here. Well -- time and whiskey.
posted by incessant at 12:04 AM on August 8, 2010 [9 favorites]
Also: go back and reread your question about breaking up with her. This question and your earlier one sounds like you're just going through the normal doubts and considerations and blues that accompany Great Life Changes, like break-ups and busted carburators. Don't forget, you're still new in town, and it takes awhile to acclimate.
After browsing through some of your old questions, it seems you're a careful and considerate person who tends towards long-winded self-examination. That's a good thing, but it means in situations like these, you fall down the rabbit hole. Time will be your best prescription here. Well -- time and whiskey.
posted by incessant at 12:04 AM on August 8, 2010 [9 favorites]
Play the tape through. Imagine the horror of marrying someone who tried to force you into it and is willing to get engaged to someone else 3 weeks later. Imagine the horror. You have strong feelings and are unsure and attached and that's understandable. You need time. But don't get carried away with your negative thinking. "Hey I look happy on Facebook!" means jack shit. And 27 is really young. Pray every day for a new experience.
posted by phaedon at 12:36 AM on August 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
posted by phaedon at 12:36 AM on August 8, 2010 [3 favorites]
Best answer: It's not your fault if your ex makes shitty decisions.
posted by inturnaround at 12:54 AM on August 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
posted by inturnaround at 12:54 AM on August 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
Just because you're 27 does not automatically equal failure. I'm 28 and single. I've a dear friend who is 46 and recently divorced for the 3rd time. Doesn't mean we're failures, just that we're still learning.
posted by mollymayhem at 1:10 AM on August 8, 2010
posted by mollymayhem at 1:10 AM on August 8, 2010
Best answer: Nthing everyone above who advises you thus: "You got lucky. You are the better, and ultimately happier, person for having refused to sacrifice your life (your life!!) to someone else's idea of what she wanted"
You seem pretty confident that she wasn't seeing this guy while you were dating, and none of us have any reason to believe otherwise. That leaves us with this fact to ponder: She's going to marry (MARRY) someone that she's known for, at most, a month.
I realize that you had genuine feelings for this woman, and are now feeling pretty shitty that your time together meant so little to her that she's now going to marry another guy. But what 256 said above is totally spot-on: "She wanted to get married. Not to anyone in particular. Just married." Do you want to be "not anyone in particular?" Trust me, you do not. It seems as though you are going through some completely understandable feelings of rejection and regrets, but it's temporary, I promise.
You know what? It might work with this guy she's engaged to - they might get married and live happily together till the end of time. And that's fine - honestly, we should all be hoping that IS what happens. If it does, that in no way means that you are not going to have a great rest-of-your-life as well. You will. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are still quite young and have a whole world in front of you. Two years from now, you won't believe you were ever upset enough about this to post this question.
In the immediate future, I suggest you do the following: 1) Download some awesome breakup songs. "Eyes Without a Face" comes to mind, as does "Sit Down By The Fire" by The Veils. 2) Have some beers 3) Call a good friend, and then when you've talked their ear off, you may cry alone. 4) get up at a decent hour tomorrow, go do something physical outside, and then resume life. It's not the easiest thing, but it's also not the hardest. You will be fine.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:12 AM on August 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
You seem pretty confident that she wasn't seeing this guy while you were dating, and none of us have any reason to believe otherwise. That leaves us with this fact to ponder: She's going to marry (MARRY) someone that she's known for, at most, a month.
I realize that you had genuine feelings for this woman, and are now feeling pretty shitty that your time together meant so little to her that she's now going to marry another guy. But what 256 said above is totally spot-on: "She wanted to get married. Not to anyone in particular. Just married." Do you want to be "not anyone in particular?" Trust me, you do not. It seems as though you are going through some completely understandable feelings of rejection and regrets, but it's temporary, I promise.
You know what? It might work with this guy she's engaged to - they might get married and live happily together till the end of time. And that's fine - honestly, we should all be hoping that IS what happens. If it does, that in no way means that you are not going to have a great rest-of-your-life as well. You will. I know it doesn't seem like it, but you are still quite young and have a whole world in front of you. Two years from now, you won't believe you were ever upset enough about this to post this question.
In the immediate future, I suggest you do the following: 1) Download some awesome breakup songs. "Eyes Without a Face" comes to mind, as does "Sit Down By The Fire" by The Veils. 2) Have some beers 3) Call a good friend, and then when you've talked their ear off, you may cry alone. 4) get up at a decent hour tomorrow, go do something physical outside, and then resume life. It's not the easiest thing, but it's also not the hardest. You will be fine.
posted by deep thought sunstar at 1:12 AM on August 8, 2010 [4 favorites]
There's an old saying, "She wants to be married so bad, she doesn't care to whom" (it's also a line in the movie "The Wedding Singer," but the genders are reversed).
It sounds like your ex-girlfriend was enamored with the idea of being married, but without the trouble of actually having a healthy, mature relationship first. Consider yourself lucky; you dodged a bullet. It may work out for her, or it may not, but it definitely sounds like that kind of "Wheee! Let's play wedding fantasy!" wasn't the right kind of relationship for you. Move on and know that the right person is out there for you somewhere.
posted by amyms at 1:27 AM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
It sounds like your ex-girlfriend was enamored with the idea of being married, but without the trouble of actually having a healthy, mature relationship first. Consider yourself lucky; you dodged a bullet. It may work out for her, or it may not, but it definitely sounds like that kind of "Wheee! Let's play wedding fantasy!" wasn't the right kind of relationship for you. Move on and know that the right person is out there for you somewhere.
posted by amyms at 1:27 AM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Exact same thing happened to me but my reaction was to laugh with relief at my lucky escape. This girl was obviously not the one for me. If it's of any consolation they were divorced within three years.
posted by R.Stornoway at 1:54 AM on August 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by R.Stornoway at 1:54 AM on August 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
Time will heal this. In years to come she won't be 'the ex g/f who got married just after we broke up'. She will be the 'near miss'.
posted by tim_in_oz at 2:11 AM on August 8, 2010
posted by tim_in_oz at 2:11 AM on August 8, 2010
Best answer: While it can be comforting in the short term to expound on the sourness of those grapes, there is not much potential for self-awareness and personal growth there. Rather, consider yourselves as two blameless individuals who just weren't a good fit for each other and didn't know how to communicate with each other effectively.
Since you seem to be the analytical type-- I think Love and Limerance would be a good read for you. It seems that this girl was limerent towards you but you weren't towards her. You enjoyed some of the things that came with her having a crush on you (the ego boost, the special things she did for you) but not the others (wanting to be together all the time, wanting a commitment).
Perhaps she fell hard for you, suffered tremendously from being rejected, and realized that the other guy has always been there for her. Why does her happiness have to be a blemish on yours?
There are deep, powerful truths to be wrought from this crucible. Don't turn away from the pain just yet. Why does it hurt? What are the losses you are experiencing? A certain self-image? A loss of "face" in front of friends? What are the premises and assumptions that link her life choices to your self-esteem?
With each new loss, we re-experience all of our previous losses. What previous losses does this bring up, that haven't been dealt with?
Things end. Alternatives exclude. And as the saying goes:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
posted by metaseeker at 2:20 AM on August 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
Since you seem to be the analytical type-- I think Love and Limerance would be a good read for you. It seems that this girl was limerent towards you but you weren't towards her. You enjoyed some of the things that came with her having a crush on you (the ego boost, the special things she did for you) but not the others (wanting to be together all the time, wanting a commitment).
Perhaps she fell hard for you, suffered tremendously from being rejected, and realized that the other guy has always been there for her. Why does her happiness have to be a blemish on yours?
There are deep, powerful truths to be wrought from this crucible. Don't turn away from the pain just yet. Why does it hurt? What are the losses you are experiencing? A certain self-image? A loss of "face" in front of friends? What are the premises and assumptions that link her life choices to your self-esteem?
With each new loss, we re-experience all of our previous losses. What previous losses does this bring up, that haven't been dealt with?
Things end. Alternatives exclude. And as the saying goes:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
posted by metaseeker at 2:20 AM on August 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
I posted a week ago here about the end of a relationship that was very stifling and where I was practically being forced to either get married or move on (after only 6 months).
Okay, first of all, this is wrong. No woman can force a man to marry her. She did not exploit you in any way or stifle you in any way. You could have moved on at any time. She did not owe you 6 months of "great girlfriendhood" without the hassle of thinking about marriage. She did not owe you anything. Look, she wanted to get married. You can think she's wrong all you want, but the fact is, she knew what she wanted, and she wanted it more than you. That's her right. If a woman wants to get married, and a man wants to date her but not marry her, she has the right to revoke the "have your cake and eat it too option" where you get the girlfriend but no marriage. This is tough for you, but that's life. That was a dealbreaker for her. Accept it.
During the masochistic minutes while I was reading her wall, I could tell that she's very happy and excited and the date has been set. I then deleted her from my FB which is something I should've done before anyway.
Why are your feelings hurt over her? Did you actually want to marry her but wanted her to wait a few more years until you made up your mind? Because it sounds to me like you had this idea that she should just sort of stick it out with you for a while until you got your stuff together and then at your leisure you would marry her or not. Here's the other thing: She didn't just want to get married. She wanted to get married NOW. She didn't want to wait around for you.
Let's consider differences between men and women that might make this so. Imagine you have a very limited window in which to bear children, and you desperately want children. Would you wait around for a guy indefinitely when he wasn't really even that into you? Didn't think so. That's kind of unfortunately just a fact of biology; women can't wait forever. If you learn this about women, it will help you out a lot with understanding relationships.
I now feel that because I'm 27 and am unmarried I'm some sort of failure. Like if I lost the opportunity and should've gotten married to her (even though I know in my head that would not have made me happy). Or maybe I would've been?
It may be that women your age are not as willing to wait around as you may have thought. There are lots of ways around this; you can fasttrack your career even more than you are now, you can date younger women, you can date older women, you can date women who genuinely do not want children, etc, etc. But if you just become consciously aware of why you feel the way you do, it should settle you down considerably. There will be other women, you did not actually want to marry her, and you did the right thing. It would have been selfish to marry someone out of fear.
By the way, the man she's marrying also wasn't forced into anything. He also wanted to be married. Sounds like they might work it out. No reason to judge her, especially considering varying cultural standards. That does not mean he's better or worse than you, just that he wanted to get married quickly as she did.
posted by Nixy at 5:24 AM on August 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
Okay, first of all, this is wrong. No woman can force a man to marry her. She did not exploit you in any way or stifle you in any way. You could have moved on at any time. She did not owe you 6 months of "great girlfriendhood" without the hassle of thinking about marriage. She did not owe you anything. Look, she wanted to get married. You can think she's wrong all you want, but the fact is, she knew what she wanted, and she wanted it more than you. That's her right. If a woman wants to get married, and a man wants to date her but not marry her, she has the right to revoke the "have your cake and eat it too option" where you get the girlfriend but no marriage. This is tough for you, but that's life. That was a dealbreaker for her. Accept it.
During the masochistic minutes while I was reading her wall, I could tell that she's very happy and excited and the date has been set. I then deleted her from my FB which is something I should've done before anyway.
Why are your feelings hurt over her? Did you actually want to marry her but wanted her to wait a few more years until you made up your mind? Because it sounds to me like you had this idea that she should just sort of stick it out with you for a while until you got your stuff together and then at your leisure you would marry her or not. Here's the other thing: She didn't just want to get married. She wanted to get married NOW. She didn't want to wait around for you.
Let's consider differences between men and women that might make this so. Imagine you have a very limited window in which to bear children, and you desperately want children. Would you wait around for a guy indefinitely when he wasn't really even that into you? Didn't think so. That's kind of unfortunately just a fact of biology; women can't wait forever. If you learn this about women, it will help you out a lot with understanding relationships.
I now feel that because I'm 27 and am unmarried I'm some sort of failure. Like if I lost the opportunity and should've gotten married to her (even though I know in my head that would not have made me happy). Or maybe I would've been?
It may be that women your age are not as willing to wait around as you may have thought. There are lots of ways around this; you can fasttrack your career even more than you are now, you can date younger women, you can date older women, you can date women who genuinely do not want children, etc, etc. But if you just become consciously aware of why you feel the way you do, it should settle you down considerably. There will be other women, you did not actually want to marry her, and you did the right thing. It would have been selfish to marry someone out of fear.
By the way, the man she's marrying also wasn't forced into anything. He also wanted to be married. Sounds like they might work it out. No reason to judge her, especially considering varying cultural standards. That does not mean he's better or worse than you, just that he wanted to get married quickly as she did.
posted by Nixy at 5:24 AM on August 8, 2010 [6 favorites]
Learning that an ex is getting married or having kids can be a shock even months or years down the road. I think it's because we tell ourselves a little fantasy about how if we move on first, we've "won". Your feelings aren't unusual, even if your ex's timeline is. (Also, people are usually publicly congratulatory even when they think the engagement is a bad idea. Don't worry about what other people are saying on Facebook. Stay off her wall, get busy, and this will all fade soon enough.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:01 AM on August 8, 2010
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 6:01 AM on August 8, 2010
You know those picture things at carnivals? A painting of say, Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dee romping, but their faces are cut out in order that you and your friend push your faces through so someone can take your picture? Voila! You and your friend are now the Tweedles!
Well, this chica had a mental cut-out of a bride and groom. When you pulled your face out of the groom hole, she had to fill it. It never mattered who filled it, the goal was to get the picture.
Go live your life knowing you only lost a few months to this bridezilla. She's a walking, waking nightmare. If you feel angry, likely it's because you realize how easily she fooled you for a short time. Be glad you wised up.
posted by kidelo at 6:05 AM on August 8, 2010
Well, this chica had a mental cut-out of a bride and groom. When you pulled your face out of the groom hole, she had to fill it. It never mattered who filled it, the goal was to get the picture.
Go live your life knowing you only lost a few months to this bridezilla. She's a walking, waking nightmare. If you feel angry, likely it's because you realize how easily she fooled you for a short time. Be glad you wised up.
posted by kidelo at 6:05 AM on August 8, 2010
Best answer: It may be that women your age are not as willing to wait around as you may have thought. There are lots of ways around this; you can fasttrack your career even more than you are now, you can date younger women, you can date older women, you can date women who genuinely do not want children, etc, etc.
Not every woman who wants children will expect you to commit to marriage within 1-6 months just because they're 27. That's crazy talk. It would be crazy talk if the woman in question was 40. Outside of a carefully-planned arranged marriage, any woman who is prepared to marry and have babies with someone she met 3 weeks ago may need therapy or an intervention. Bringing children into a relationship with someone who is essentially a stranger is dangerous and stupid. Who's going to get hurt when it turns out that the relationship is based on nothing, and is in fact full of bitterness, indifference, lukewarm commitment, rage, or violence? At 3 weeks in, you have no idea what you're signed up for. It's irresponsible to bring children into a completely unknown environment like that.
Generally, even women who wants babies consider dating more than "waiting around" to get married. No one wants to marry the wrong person.
By the way, the man she's marrying also wasn't forced into anything. He also wanted to be married. Sounds like they might work it out.
Nixy may actually be your ex-girlfriend here to defend herself, because otherwise this statement is nonsense. We don't know anything about all about the man she's supposedly marrying. We don't eve know if he exists; perhaps she'd had a psychotic break and he doesn't exist at all. There is not enough information in the question as posted above, and I'm really surprised that Nixy thinks there is.
I understand why you're upset, I think. You passed up an opportunity that had at least some vague appeal to you; getting married and having babies is something you hope to some day. This girl wasn't the right one for you. If you'd married her, within the year you'd probably already be posting to askmefi about how to cope, change or leave. You're still really young, you're not a failure, and you'll definitely have the opportunity to get married. When you're ready! You just need to find someone on the same wavelength as you are. This one certainly is not.
posted by Hildegarde at 6:05 AM on August 8, 2010 [7 favorites]
Not every woman who wants children will expect you to commit to marriage within 1-6 months just because they're 27. That's crazy talk. It would be crazy talk if the woman in question was 40. Outside of a carefully-planned arranged marriage, any woman who is prepared to marry and have babies with someone she met 3 weeks ago may need therapy or an intervention. Bringing children into a relationship with someone who is essentially a stranger is dangerous and stupid. Who's going to get hurt when it turns out that the relationship is based on nothing, and is in fact full of bitterness, indifference, lukewarm commitment, rage, or violence? At 3 weeks in, you have no idea what you're signed up for. It's irresponsible to bring children into a completely unknown environment like that.
Generally, even women who wants babies consider dating more than "waiting around" to get married. No one wants to marry the wrong person.
By the way, the man she's marrying also wasn't forced into anything. He also wanted to be married. Sounds like they might work it out.
Nixy may actually be your ex-girlfriend here to defend herself, because otherwise this statement is nonsense. We don't know anything about all about the man she's supposedly marrying. We don't eve know if he exists; perhaps she'd had a psychotic break and he doesn't exist at all. There is not enough information in the question as posted above, and I'm really surprised that Nixy thinks there is.
I understand why you're upset, I think. You passed up an opportunity that had at least some vague appeal to you; getting married and having babies is something you hope to some day. This girl wasn't the right one for you. If you'd married her, within the year you'd probably already be posting to askmefi about how to cope, change or leave. You're still really young, you're not a failure, and you'll definitely have the opportunity to get married. When you're ready! You just need to find someone on the same wavelength as you are. This one certainly is not.
posted by Hildegarde at 6:05 AM on August 8, 2010 [7 favorites]
What you're feeling is "relief".
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 6:35 AM on August 8, 2010
posted by These Premises Are Alarmed at 6:35 AM on August 8, 2010
Don't write her this kind of letter, whatever else you do.
It's almost always upsetting when an ex (especially a recent ex) moves on. And, for me at least, when I find out that an ex is getting engaged/married/pregnant, it's like a big kick in the nuts for a few minutes. I mean, I can be happy for that person, but there's first a rush of feelings including jealousy and exclusion. She's happy now -- and I am totally, 100% not included.
The key is to cut yourself off from the news (like you did on Facebook) and to do things that make you feel better, especially things that are good for you (being social, getting exercise, etc). Don't wallow and obsess, don't keep picking at the scab by following the minutia of news about her new life, and if you have to communicate with her, don't say anything other than "congratulations." Let her enjoy her happiness, and concentrate on making yourself feel better. It will take time -- I wish it was instant, but it's not. It's like you were injured and now you need the time to heal.
posted by Forktine at 6:37 AM on August 8, 2010
It's almost always upsetting when an ex (especially a recent ex) moves on. And, for me at least, when I find out that an ex is getting engaged/married/pregnant, it's like a big kick in the nuts for a few minutes. I mean, I can be happy for that person, but there's first a rush of feelings including jealousy and exclusion. She's happy now -- and I am totally, 100% not included.
The key is to cut yourself off from the news (like you did on Facebook) and to do things that make you feel better, especially things that are good for you (being social, getting exercise, etc). Don't wallow and obsess, don't keep picking at the scab by following the minutia of news about her new life, and if you have to communicate with her, don't say anything other than "congratulations." Let her enjoy her happiness, and concentrate on making yourself feel better. It will take time -- I wish it was instant, but it's not. It's like you were injured and now you need the time to heal.
posted by Forktine at 6:37 AM on August 8, 2010
Dude, "She wanted to get married. Not to anybody in particular. Just married." a million times that, and you dodged. a. bullet.
27 is not old to be single, especially not for men.
I don't blame you for being thrown for a loop; exes moving on this fast is always a little startling, but double especially when they go right to marriage.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:40 AM on August 8, 2010
27 is not old to be single, especially not for men.
I don't blame you for being thrown for a loop; exes moving on this fast is always a little startling, but double especially when they go right to marriage.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:40 AM on August 8, 2010
Best answer: Being 27 and unmarried is not a failure. Being 27 and married to someone you don't want to be married to is a failure.
Really. Being 27 and unmarried: Not a failure. I was 27 and unmarried. I am not a failure. I am also 28 and unmarried. I would rather be unmarried than married to someone I do not want to be married to. You decided that as well. Own it. Win.
posted by millipede at 6:59 AM on August 8, 2010 [7 favorites]
Really. Being 27 and unmarried: Not a failure. I was 27 and unmarried. I am not a failure. I am also 28 and unmarried. I would rather be unmarried than married to someone I do not want to be married to. You decided that as well. Own it. Win.
posted by millipede at 6:59 AM on August 8, 2010 [7 favorites]
You dodged a bullet. I had a friend like this. Just wanted to be married, didn't matter to whom. Found a guy, got married quickly, they were both miserable until they got the divorce.
Some people are just like this. It doesn't matter who it is they are with, as long as it's a warm body that they can call their husband (or wife). They need the feeling of security that a marriage gives them, that's all.
Luckily for you, you don't seem to be one of these people.
Being single at 27 is the norm where I live (NYC). I think that most people I know would raise their eyebrows at being married at 27, at least in the neighborhoods I hang out in.
posted by newpotato at 7:03 AM on August 8, 2010
Some people are just like this. It doesn't matter who it is they are with, as long as it's a warm body that they can call their husband (or wife). They need the feeling of security that a marriage gives them, that's all.
Luckily for you, you don't seem to be one of these people.
Being single at 27 is the norm where I live (NYC). I think that most people I know would raise their eyebrows at being married at 27, at least in the neighborhoods I hang out in.
posted by newpotato at 7:03 AM on August 8, 2010
Three people have already said this; let me be the fourth: you dodged a bullet.
posted by mcwetboy at 7:39 AM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
posted by mcwetboy at 7:39 AM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
I'll second Nixy -- maybe she knew him long before she knew you, and he was there to pick up the pieces after your breakup. You never know. Let's not impute (possibly false) motives to someone we don't even know.
posted by metametababe at 7:52 AM on August 8, 2010
posted by metametababe at 7:52 AM on August 8, 2010
First off: Unspoken marriage ultimatum at six months? Engaged a few weeks after breakup? Yeah, you're Neo in that rooftop scene in The Matrix, my friend.
What I want to address is this: I now feel that because I'm 27 and am unmarried I'm some sort of failure.
Out of all the married couples I know who are in my peer group (mid twenties to mid thirties,) only one person got married before she was 25 or so. She was 19 and he's our age. They're very, very happy together, but even she admits she married young. Everyone else? They're slowly getting their shit together. I doubt half of my friends will be married before they're 30, mainly because everyone is taking their sweet-ass time even if they're in relationships. Why? There's no rush. Forget about the emotional stuff: "I didn't want to get married because I just moved to this new country, struggling to find a steady job, savings are getting low." You are a smart, modern person who has his priorities in line over outdated, cargo cultish social conventions. If you want to get your adult life together first, there's no reason to get married beforehand. Some people don't wait, and if it works for them, mazel tov. You're doing the right thing simply because you're doing what you need to do, rather than what you think you're supposed to. There's honor in that. Take pride in yourself.
posted by griphus at 8:21 AM on August 8, 2010
What I want to address is this: I now feel that because I'm 27 and am unmarried I'm some sort of failure.
Out of all the married couples I know who are in my peer group (mid twenties to mid thirties,) only one person got married before she was 25 or so. She was 19 and he's our age. They're very, very happy together, but even she admits she married young. Everyone else? They're slowly getting their shit together. I doubt half of my friends will be married before they're 30, mainly because everyone is taking their sweet-ass time even if they're in relationships. Why? There's no rush. Forget about the emotional stuff: "I didn't want to get married because I just moved to this new country, struggling to find a steady job, savings are getting low." You are a smart, modern person who has his priorities in line over outdated, cargo cultish social conventions. If you want to get your adult life together first, there's no reason to get married beforehand. Some people don't wait, and if it works for them, mazel tov. You're doing the right thing simply because you're doing what you need to do, rather than what you think you're supposed to. There's honor in that. Take pride in yourself.
posted by griphus at 8:21 AM on August 8, 2010
Dude! She was pressuring you to marry her after only a few months! And now, she got engaged to the next guy after only a few weeks.
You, sir, dodged a bullet. Congratulations are in order (congrats for you, not for her). Her upcoming divorce could have also been yours. It's some other guy's future divorce now.
Congrats!
posted by 2oh1 at 2:19 PM on August 8, 2010
You, sir, dodged a bullet. Congratulations are in order (congrats for you, not for her). Her upcoming divorce could have also been yours. It's some other guy's future divorce now.
Congrats!
posted by 2oh1 at 2:19 PM on August 8, 2010
You feel so upset because she moved on so quickly. And before you did. This feeling will pass with time.
posted by kookaburra at 2:58 PM on August 8, 2010
posted by kookaburra at 2:58 PM on August 8, 2010
I was in a similar situation once before -- although the ex of six years didn't get engaged right away, but six months after we broke up -- I still had hopes we might get back together. It was really hard. I was going to move anyways, but moving to a new town helped to jump start my moving on. I also found it helpful to think about the loss and my feelings of depression and anxiety as a really bad cold or flu -- one that would take a few months to recover from. I'm not sure why, but instead of spending lots of time ruminating over the details of what had occurred and what was depressing me, trying to think of the whole situation as a physical illness -- one that my brain needed to heal from over a period of months -- really really helped me. They say time heals all wounds and I guess that's how I started thinking about this particular loss as a wound to my brain -- one that my brain needed to work around and heal from. I'm not suggesting you avoid learning from the relationship, but there comes a time for some people, myself included, when the injury takes on a life of its own. Doesn't sound like you're a wallower, but I guess I sort of was. Anyways, best of luck. Be good to your body. Exercise. Eat right. Broaden your horizons. Travel if you can. Read. Spend time with good friends. Let time work its magic.
posted by pallen123 at 3:40 PM on August 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
posted by pallen123 at 3:40 PM on August 8, 2010 [1 favorite]
I know a few people who have broken up after being given a marriage ultimatum, and seen the person get engaged to someone else almost immediately. It seems like they found it disconcerting, as you describe. It's kind of jarring to think about having someone replace you so soon-- like, what? Am I that expendable or interchangeable with someone else? I think that in relationships, most of us hope to be seen and valued for who we are; this sort of experience flies in the face of that idea. That is my best guess at why it feels bad at the moment, even though you know you made the right decision. You'll be fine with time.
posted by BibiRose at 3:50 PM on August 8, 2010
posted by BibiRose at 3:50 PM on August 8, 2010
Hildegard:
Not every woman who wants children will expect you to commit to marriage within 1-6 months just because they're 27. Outside of a carefully-planned arranged marriage, any woman who is prepared to marry and have babies with someone she met 3 weeks ago may need therapy or an intervention.
I agree, not every woman wants that. Just this one. I just don't see the need to judge her as psychotic for it. That seems nonsensical to me. Lots of people get married quickly; when they know, they know. It's not really fair to automatically make her the "crazy one" here. And it very well may be a carefully planned arranged marriage.
Generally, even women who wants babies consider dating more than "waiting around" to get married. No one wants to marry the wrong person.
The right person for her would have been looking to settle down and been more sure about her in 6 months than he was. Let's not turn this into an arbitrary and pointless argument about how long people should date before getting married and what's normal and what's psychotic.
Nixy may actually be your ex-girlfriend here to defend herself, because otherwise this statement is nonsense. We don't know anything about all about the man she's supposedly marrying. We don't eve know if he exists; perhaps she'd had a psychotic break and he doesn't exist at all. There is not enough information in the question as posted above, and I'm really surprised that Nixy thinks there is.
I think it's more reasonable to assume he exists than to assume she's psychotic and has invented an imaginary husband. I'm 22 and am certainly not the girlfriend in question.
posted by Nixy at 5:15 PM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Not every woman who wants children will expect you to commit to marriage within 1-6 months just because they're 27. Outside of a carefully-planned arranged marriage, any woman who is prepared to marry and have babies with someone she met 3 weeks ago may need therapy or an intervention.
I agree, not every woman wants that. Just this one. I just don't see the need to judge her as psychotic for it. That seems nonsensical to me. Lots of people get married quickly; when they know, they know. It's not really fair to automatically make her the "crazy one" here. And it very well may be a carefully planned arranged marriage.
Generally, even women who wants babies consider dating more than "waiting around" to get married. No one wants to marry the wrong person.
The right person for her would have been looking to settle down and been more sure about her in 6 months than he was. Let's not turn this into an arbitrary and pointless argument about how long people should date before getting married and what's normal and what's psychotic.
Nixy may actually be your ex-girlfriend here to defend herself, because otherwise this statement is nonsense. We don't know anything about all about the man she's supposedly marrying. We don't eve know if he exists; perhaps she'd had a psychotic break and he doesn't exist at all. There is not enough information in the question as posted above, and I'm really surprised that Nixy thinks there is.
I think it's more reasonable to assume he exists than to assume she's psychotic and has invented an imaginary husband. I'm 22 and am certainly not the girlfriend in question.
posted by Nixy at 5:15 PM on August 8, 2010 [2 favorites]
Nixy: getting engaged three weeks after ending a long term relationship with someone else is shaved-head Brittany Spears level breakdown. Sounds like a terror of being single, or single-minded obsessiveness for something that's not going to be as fantastic as you think it will be. Breakdown approacheth, one way or another.
Althanis: you have a really good attitude toward all this. You can see these comments as demonstrating the general feeling of the larger North American public on this one: there are some doe-eyed girls out there who think getting married is going to solve all their problems and make them feel grown up, whole, complete, etc., with cultural pressure to get the deed done quickly, so perhaps that's why your ex is rushing to the altar. Unfortunately these girls are in for a shock.
There are lots of girls out there who would like to have kids one day but aren't crazy-set on getting married this instant. Those girls will probably have more going on in their lives, with career goals, hobbies, and an active social life. You'll probably have a longer-lasting, more fun relationship with one of them.
posted by Hildegarde at 5:31 AM on August 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Althanis: you have a really good attitude toward all this. You can see these comments as demonstrating the general feeling of the larger North American public on this one: there are some doe-eyed girls out there who think getting married is going to solve all their problems and make them feel grown up, whole, complete, etc., with cultural pressure to get the deed done quickly, so perhaps that's why your ex is rushing to the altar. Unfortunately these girls are in for a shock.
There are lots of girls out there who would like to have kids one day but aren't crazy-set on getting married this instant. Those girls will probably have more going on in their lives, with career goals, hobbies, and an active social life. You'll probably have a longer-lasting, more fun relationship with one of them.
posted by Hildegarde at 5:31 AM on August 9, 2010 [1 favorite]
Okay, so. I have had, let's see, five serious boyfriends in my entire life.
Four of them married the next woman they dated after me.
The third one married someone I introduced him to. He was my high school boyfriend, and she was my high school best friend.
As far as I know, they're all terrifically happy. They all have kids. The kids are cute.
Did I mention only four of them married the next woman? The other one married me. When we were both 29. That's eleven years ago. We're terrifically happy. Our kids are way cuter than those other kids.
My husband, who among his many other awesomenesses is one of the smartest people I know, once pointed out to me that people are different people in different relationships. I mean that the relationships themselves bring out entirely different facets of people's personalities; in other words, you can never know quite what other people see in each other. (A logical consequence of this is that you can never really understand other peoples' marriages.)
So while, when younger, I occasionally indulged the temptation to see myself as World's Most Awful Person, Next To Whom Anyone Whatsoever Is Excellent Marriage Material, these days I am just so very happy to be with my delightful spouse, that I have plenty of leftover goodwill and cheer for all those other boyfriends, and their wives, and their moderately cute children.
This is a longwinded way of saying When You Meet The Right Person You'll Know, and Just Give It Time; but also, don't judge her too harshly. You don't know what their relationship is, or what their marriage will be. Maybe they'll be happy, which is nice for them; maybe they won't, in which case they deserve your compassion.
Either way, the most sexyawesome thing you can do is wish them well. It's absolutely, by definition, not about you. Hold onto the idea that one day, her happiness with someone else will enhance your own, also with someone else.
posted by rdc at 10:35 AM on August 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
Four of them married the next woman they dated after me.
The third one married someone I introduced him to. He was my high school boyfriend, and she was my high school best friend.
As far as I know, they're all terrifically happy. They all have kids. The kids are cute.
Did I mention only four of them married the next woman? The other one married me. When we were both 29. That's eleven years ago. We're terrifically happy. Our kids are way cuter than those other kids.
My husband, who among his many other awesomenesses is one of the smartest people I know, once pointed out to me that people are different people in different relationships. I mean that the relationships themselves bring out entirely different facets of people's personalities; in other words, you can never know quite what other people see in each other. (A logical consequence of this is that you can never really understand other peoples' marriages.)
So while, when younger, I occasionally indulged the temptation to see myself as World's Most Awful Person, Next To Whom Anyone Whatsoever Is Excellent Marriage Material, these days I am just so very happy to be with my delightful spouse, that I have plenty of leftover goodwill and cheer for all those other boyfriends, and their wives, and their moderately cute children.
This is a longwinded way of saying When You Meet The Right Person You'll Know, and Just Give It Time; but also, don't judge her too harshly. You don't know what their relationship is, or what their marriage will be. Maybe they'll be happy, which is nice for them; maybe they won't, in which case they deserve your compassion.
Either way, the most sexyawesome thing you can do is wish them well. It's absolutely, by definition, not about you. Hold onto the idea that one day, her happiness with someone else will enhance your own, also with someone else.
posted by rdc at 10:35 AM on August 10, 2010 [5 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I guess you just chalk it up to experience and move on in the river of life.
posted by sanka at 11:28 PM on August 7, 2010 [5 favorites]