Fantasizing about other men - help!
August 6, 2010 8:12 PM Subscribe
How can I stop being hypersexual, get my therapist to see that it's threatening my marriage, and start focusing on my husband again?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (35 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I've been married for seven years to the best guy in the world. I love him like crazy and I know I could live a thousand years and never find another man like him. I really really really don't want to mess up my marriage, and the thought of doing anything that would hurt my hubby makes me feel sick. But I've already done it.
I had a make-out session with a guy about eight months ago, and simply can't forget it. Worse -- if it could be any worse -- he's married. We met at a summer camp decades ago when we were both teens. He treated me coldly then and we never got together. Apparently he's been searching for me ever since (so he says)! I had no idea about any of this until he started emailing me. He lives in another country. He emailed me flirtatiously for months, and when we got together it was VERY emotional. We hugged and kissed -- a bit too much. He gave me the impression that he wants to get together with me physically whenever he can (he travels here but only infrequently, on business).
I've been feeling like complete drek about this ever since it happened. And what's worse -- the experience has unleashed just a torrent of sexual desire in me. I fantasize sexually about almost every man I meet -- mostly sexually, but I sometimes realize I'm veering into emotional territory on occasion. It's like a light's been turned on. I'm aware of sex. I care about it. I want it with different men. I can't stop thinking about it. I'm surfing for porn online, I'm pleasuring myself like crazy (doesn't really do anything other than provide some tension relief), and I occasionally even fantasize about domestic bliss with a new man of my choice.
Meantime I'm still crazy about my husband and feel sick at the thought that I could act on my nutty new desires and totally torpedo everything I've tried to build with him.
Another thing -- I seem to be giving off new vibes that attract inappropriate guys. I'm suddenly in a very dangerous place. I've always had low self-esteem around men, so this new flirtatious attention I'm getting from them has REALLY turned my head. I suddenly feel hot. I've never felt hot before. I feel like I have to DO SOMETHING about all of these feelings.
I'm wondering if it's partly hormonal? Can you get a sudden surge of intense physical desire later in life? (I'm in my forties)
I'm worried because these feelings won't go away.
I have a therapist. He's nice and a great listener. His style is a bit passive because he's all about not judging me, but I'm in a pickle and could really use some moral guidance right now. That's the ironic thing about therapy. I go to my therapist for help -- should I do this? -- and I just get: "Watch your feelings like they're floating above you. It's okay to fantasize. It's normal." And I'm all, WTF? This zen cant isn't EVEN addressing the seriousness of what's happening to me. I'm feeling like I'm THIS close to shutting down my marriage and ruining the only thing I'm living for. I could get very despondent over this (I have suicidal tendencies that have been dormant for some time, but I'm always afraid they could return with especial force at a time when I'm feeling very weak).
My sex life with hubby has always been affectionate, but never explosive or fireworksy. I never cared about sex before. I'd been hurt by sexy guys in the past, and I think with my husband I was attracted to him precisely because he felt safe -- not super sexual but very solid. And he's my best friend. And that's what I wanted at the time! And I still love him!
But I CAN'T STOP THINKING about what it would be like to have sex with other men. I make myself sick and feel like a slut. I really need to start to have some hope or something. I'm so depressed, I've lost interest in absolutely everything. I don't know what to do.
We don't have kids. I love his mother like she's my own mother.
I can't tell my husband this. I can't stand the thought of what his eyes would look like. I can't hurt him.
I would appreciate any input! Thanks.